Day 331: I am Not No-Thing, yet.

As a group we are walking a Journey to Nothingness that will last 7 years, that would be about the time it took to create ourselves in the first 7 years of our existence.

It is quite scary to realize that we are basically living out all our choices, ideas and beliefs starting as a misaligned system, we have been mis-in-formed about Life and now everything we do is  robotic, having automated the choices, beliefs and opinions of all those that came before us, no wonder this world is the kindergarden of idiocy, we repeat ad nauseam the same choices of our ancestors, history proves it, if only we could see between the lines -the 'head'lines- we are in fact successful regurgitators of lives lived before our own, at most we find new ways to fuck up, we have been quite consistent in that, as it shows from the world that resulted.

Today during a conversation with B. I realized Why we are walking to Nothingness; in a way I have been wondering why we were not in fact walking to Awareness as that would be my assumption of who and what we are, 'we are 'something', right?, but are we? What and who creates this Reality?

We do, not with our Minds though, if we could manifest instantaneously the world would probably be an even scarier place, the Mind instead uses the body, which is The Creator, to establish itself as Ego, and then it provides thoughts, they are not our thoughts until we engage them, until we feed them, until they become Us, we live out the thoughts of our memory banks, we have stored Memories in the body passed on by the generations that came before, either through DNA or direct imprinting, Science has proven that our Memories, our Ill-In-Formed lives, and those of the ones that came before, are stored in the body and those are the generators of thoughts as characters and personalities. That's the only awareness that exists within us so far, the one of our memories and they are set out to survive - no matter what.

What I had  not realized is that I do create my reality, just not as I thought I did, Faith doesn't create Reality, nor the thoughts I believe I can pick and choose from what I have designed myself as, I am the programmer, the writer of the whole story, of course this story is based on my memories, I am just not aware of the details of how I do it all, yet, because as I em-body the memories that become thoughts that mine the physical for energy (you did not think that thoughts could run without energy since everything in the macro world does, so what generates that energy - the physical, we are in fact everyday busy mining our bodies for energy to keep up all the crap with which we entertain ourselves in our Minds, talk about Abusers and we don't have to look very far), I BeCome them and I am not Here but up in and as The Mind, creating alternate realities between which I switch as Characters and Personalities, anything will do as long as I don't have to be Here where I may stop searching for Me -and then what?, quite a conundrum.

There is nothing original about us as systems, we better get that into our little heads, we are so predictable that they could create a GPS software that can tell you where you will be in 4 years time - that should blow your mind, but unfortunately it won't, you will have to dissect your mind by yourself, check out how you designed yourself and fix the broken system that we are living out in and as the World.

On the other hand, Here is everything that ever existed that exists and will ever exist, the only ones missing Here so far is Us, because we don't exist yet, there is a tragic and comic point to this Self Realization, which is that the Ego, which exists solely in Self Interest -check out your thoughts for confirmation and see if they don't just come up to suggest which moves to make, which words to speak, which attitude to show so we can win, be the best, have an advantage-, the Ego believes to be SomeThing, usually something Inflated that has no connection with Physical reality - we may believe in our Minds that we are innumerable things and then when Real Physical Life happens we fail to deliver into the Physical the SomeThing that we BeLieve we are, simply because we are not any of that, we are just  unsubstantiated claims about Ourselves, the Substance of Life which was the Gift we were born with was squandered, we wasted it to fuel our addiction to our imaginary life-styles and imaginary characters and personas.

Any 'awareness' we have at the moment is an outflow of the delusions of ourselves as our own creation, at the best at this stage I can only be aware of what I Think I am or BeLieve I am or Remember I am, and not even that in full, we see only the tip of the iceberg and everything that we think or believe to be was created within a faulty starting point, the point that we had to go and look for ourselves, which took us away from Here, and as I spent my resources, as the seed of Life, seeking and aggrandizing the idea of myself and did not grow into a Tree of Life -yet- but into a Tree of Good and Evil, living Duality as Me, always in conflict with myself, Life as Me as substance  was being con-sumed. 

I am the very Creator of Consumerism by default.

So far I am just a system, I must accept this and stop the fight to try and be SomeThing else, there is nothing wrong or bad about being a system, I am a system simply because I exist in relation to everything else I ever created a relationship with, this is why my existence after so many years on earth has become robotic -did anyone else notice this about themselves, how we keep repeating the same patterns, how we keep destroying ourselves one way or another -look at how we age, it's really nothing to be proud of, many have seen parents or grandparents age and die, didn't you notice how old people shrink and look like dry raisins...mmhh, why would that be?- as we try and prove that there is something more than Here that I must look for, that there must be something more than Me, because I am just, simply, not enough.

And how do I know I am not Enough? Well, I said so, sometime, somewhere, by saying that there should be more than Here and there should be More than Me - and Now, there it is.
What now? I have created it, I have to undo it, we start by stopping to return to No-Thing, it's best that way, there isn't much to save Here, if we return to a blank slate we can treasure what we have learnt, that in Separation without consideration for everything that exists as MySelf nothing works and we'll end up into Abuse. Of a heavy duty kind.

So we first have to walk back to Nothingness, No-Thing-ness and when we stop believing or desiring to be Somethingness or HighNess or Worthlessness or anything that we have used to justify why I was in fact incapable to stand up and embrace existence as me and change me as existence, at that point we'll have done 1 leg of the journey and from there, from No-Thing-ness we can rewrite who we are going to be, better get our Information right this time, so that we can all fly in the same direction, In-formation as Life, for Life, because any SomeThing that stands between ourselves and the Whole as Oneness in Equality, must go and in No-Thingness we may see that we were always Here, that there was  No-thing to look for, because only NoThing can move out of the confinements and definitions we cast on it as an evil spell, that resulted in our separation from each other and our abdication of Life for Energy/Money inward and outward.

So, let's make peace with it, we are not something, or somebody, there isn't anything waiting at the end of our Journey, Life is not there waiting for us, because we are Nothing and always were and unless we create ourselves as Life, we can never be Life or be Alive, we are the Author of this Journey, it will be quite a trip to return to the Nothingness that we were as we remove the shackles of our own The-finitions, our Endings, can we write Life, can we be Life, can we for-Give Life to ourselves and to All Existence as One? Because we can't have what we aren't willing to give to All, as Equals, to have/be Life for me All must have it, all relationships will have to be rewritten within the understanding of what Life is, Life is For-Giving everything to ourselves and All the Rest of Existence, Equally, starting from No-Thing-Ness.

There is a Journey to No-Thing-ness, anyone can join, unless you want to be Some-Thing, make Something out of yourself, prove that you are Some-Thing more than others, then you will never be No-Thing, you will be Some-thing else, just never Life, because Life is No-Thing, its Every-Thing -that is Best for All, got it?

 Related articles

• Day 327: I think, therefore I am Not Here yet.
• Day 444: Can you find 'Your own Way'?

Day 245: Telling Stories Larger than Life - Character

When I was a kid I had a step grandfather whose storytelling would keep me so enthralled that I would disregard everyone's comments at the table of 'cut it out, stop exagerating', to which he would reply, "I am only making the story more interesting, more 'beautiful'"

One of the reason why I was taken by his storytelling was the HOW he changed stories to paint himself always heroic during the war or in his relationships, everything he did would be polished up or magnified, never made less, always made more and in turn himself More than he was.

This is the first memory that I have in connection to this Character that I played extensively.

The second memory that would be linked to this is of a time in my courtyard when I was reviewing and editing a moment I had lived, I was basically 'screenwriting' but backward, making myself play it all in the right way while saying the perfect flawless gobsmacking lines, the best lines of any interaction were always mine, I would steal them from everywhere, movies in which I registered a specific emotional content/charge, books where a sentence was just too good to be read just once, which is I guess why I developed the skill of listening in such detail, it was never to listen to others, it was to grab pieces of other peple's characters and make them mine, telling myself I 'could be that' and evoke the same emotion I felt when I heard the lines that were played out by others. Storytelling was a tool to 'move' people in my favour and was mainly based on the outcome I sought in terms of how I wanted others to perceive me, as the one always 'in charge'.

In charge, this words in Italian translates as "Incaricato", it would mean "assigned a role" and never in a million years, unless I translated it into English and then back again into Italian, I would have noticed the word 'charged' -caricato, which means both charged as electrically/energetically "charged" and "loaded".

This one of my Characters was one of the most uncomfortabe to play since I caught myself in my first editing, copying and pasting sequences in speficic orders to come out the winner, like all games, when you take away the surprise point, the game doesn't hold up as well, as tightly, which is one of the reasons why I always had troubles believing people that say "I don't know ' to anything or that insist they are not aware of a part they are playing.


Since I started walking with Desteni I have wondered if something in me was wrong from the start, meaning if something was not screwed as tight as it should have, like my head, because these leaks of awareness were always disturbing and still I don't know, maybe we all just "leak awareness" and instead of using our awareness to change or stop doing what we see clearly that we are doing, we suppress awareness every day a little more, we seek drugs and alchohol, basically anything that will help sort out the feeling that something is not right, I am not right, I am not even real, am I? Best to forget about it, play the part and then, if necessary, the storyline can always be edited and rescripted as if we lived it out 'right' instead of having extensively fucked up yet again.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of storytelling being more important than Life, larger than Life and for manipulating memories for the purpose of portraying myself as 'right' and 'more' in fear of being 'wrong' and 'less', I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I started to live to create a Character that could tell the stories of my life better than I could live them by being self honest, instead of stopping and not accepting myself to live as a Character for the purpose of story telling as Larger than Life and more important than self expressing and for believing that being liked and accepted by others was key to my well being and for this attempting or maneuvering to manipulate the opinion I imagined others held of me I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having the approval of others and molding the opinions of others of me into the perfect reflection I wanted shown back to me was important and that the opinion of others of me defined who I am, and for giving up my self expression to impress myself on others as an imaginary reflection of my own creation, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my self honesty as I aspired to create the perfect reflection of me imprinted in others, failing to see that it was not the projected image of me I needed to change, but myself in and as the physical to reach the perfection I aspired to and tried to reach through storytelling, and for failing to see, realize and understand that I spent my life working on a projection of me that was not real instead of realigning the Self that is real in and as the physical, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about the opinions others have of me, accepting and allowing myself to believe that what others think of me defines me, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I thought others thought about me was MY creation and had nothing to do with others, and that I used others to project my own self judgements on them as their own creation and then make them responsible for how I experienced myself instead of correcting myself in and as the physical for real vs attempting to correct the image of myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others and then resent them for the creation of the imaginary projection of myself that I disliked and attempted to change through storytelling instead of changing my living expression to realign to the principle of 'not doing to others what I did not want done unto me' or to 'giving as I would like to receive'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed everytime I saw myself editing my life, because everytime I edited my life I lived a moment of conditional acceptance of myself and for not having accepted myself unconditionally for all that I had become so I could see clearly what I had to change instead of making up stories about having changed or about how changed I was, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough, not interesting enough to just 'tell it like it is' and that I had to make up good stories about how in fact I was enough instead of addressing the point of why I came to accept and believe I was not good enough and as such create a Character that was 'better than me/more than me/larger than me' for any circumstance I lived in which I perceived I failed, did not do my best, didn't live up to what I knew I could live up to because it was easier than real change


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about a story that involves me, instead of just 'telling it like it is' perceive myself moving into this StoryTeller Character, to embellish it, make it more fun, interesting so I can fulfill myself by having a bigger ovation, appreciation so I can feel alive and for separating myself from myself Here as Life in and as Breath seeking for myself as I missed out on Me having always been Here, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of playing this Character, not feel at ease or relaxed when I am asked to tell an event because I immediately move to turn any event into a 'story' to make reality bigger, better more interesting and within this, for making reality as the physical not good enough as I sought to enhance it in some ways, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a Character in which I feel physically constricted even in my movement as I stand into and as the Storyteller and for separating myself from the physical as me in search for more, in search for meaning, in search for a reason why I am even living, I forgive myself



When and as I see myself being asked a question and moving or about to move into the Storyteller character to find ways to enhance what I lived that didn't seem enough, good enough, interesting enough, I stop, breath, do not allow myself to step into this Character while I observe the triggers that made me desire to do so so I can at the first chance write them out and free myself from this role-playing once and for all


When and as I see myself about to tell a story and moving or about to move into my mind for screenwriting and editing, I stop, breathe, practice the tell it like it is beyond my fear that it won't be interesting enough, captivating enough, generating enough good reviews, practicing to not Role play until I can step out of this Character for good


When and as I see myself desiring to edit, screenwrite a story, even in the most apparently insignificant details, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this Character and I wrote for myself instructions about how to move beyond the fear that my life may not be enough and then I just wak the script I rewrote for myself until telling it like it is become integrated in me as who I am


When and as I see myself having the thought that life is not enough in one of the many ways I found to let myself know that, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I fear losing is not Life but my ideas and definitions of what an interesting life should look like, be like and within this see realize and understand I have lived the most interesting life and yet I was never satisfied about it, because in the seeking I was never Here and in the Not Enoughness of my experience I lived as the not Enough-ness of me in separation from myself and for this I forgive myself



I commit myself to see realize and understand that Life in and as Breath is enough, that I am enough and that there is nothing More to seek, because in the seeking for More I make myself Less, until I exist no more


I commit myself to stabilize myself in and as Breath, in and as Myself realigning to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all as that is All I have ever been seeking for, the Oneness and Equality of Me with Existence as a Whole vs my existence as a Hole.


I commit myself to no longer live the Holeness of Existence and to walk the necessary steps to return myself to the Wholeness of Myself as Existence for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• 88 - seeking empowerment through desensitization 2
• Day 234: Who is Screwing with my Memories?