Day 106: Patterning/Parenting/Patenting Rights ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is the right of a parent to pattern a child in his/her image and likeness, even though the actual parenting/patterning is not considering what is best for the Child as Life or What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was lucky as I believed I got a mild parenting/patterning in comparison to some of my girlfriends who got hit and battered by their parents, believing that they deserved it because they themselves said so, and for justifying 'some' patterning compared to others as long as it did not involve 'too much violence'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometime a child deserves a good harding, for their own good and that a good harding or a slap here and there, 'never hurt anyone' since they all survived them and grew into 'decent human beings', when in fact if the world was full of 'decent human beings' as a result of violent upbringing we would have changed the world already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to laugh at the representation of abusive parents by the survivor children, believing that since we survived the abuses and we could laugh about it, we were all right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that it is the right of a parent to do with the child what they want because they created the child and they can unmake it as they made 'it' in the first place, as my mother and many other mothers used to say when they got angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a good harding for some children because they were unruly and rude, instead of seeing and realizing they were just playing out family patterns out loud and that we need an overall education reform to re-teach what effective parenting is since none of us knows anything about it, or we would have created children that would have changed the world already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometimes children 'just take them out of your hands' meaning slaps and physical punishment, just because I heard parents say so, instead of seeing and realizing that there is something wrong in a world where we believe that violence is sometime necessary to teach children about a world where they have to get along with each other and love their neighbor like themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that some children would be punished more harshly because I have been punished harshly for minor things and I hated seeing other kids getting away with murder and I wished they at least got what i got so everything would make sense as 'the way things are' for everybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse poor parenting because 'everyone is doing their best' when in fact nobody has been doing their best but just what we have learnt and repeated from our parents giving it a minor twist here and there, so we would not notice how much we passed on just the same parenting traits to the children of this world, as what we had received

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse the poor parenting of my friends, because they were my friends and parenting is a secret we have agreed to never challenge as others could say ' YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE A MOTHER' even though this should not be an excuse to stand up and say that passing on one's fears, ideas and opinions of a religious nature, or lies about Santa Claus and the Wonderful World we Live in, is a Lie, damaging and abusive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support different parenting for girls and boys in which boys are praised for being strong/brave and girls are praised for being beautiful, while we define and limit children to  specific expressions just because this is what we were taught was important within gender definitions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my friend that the reason why her daughter wants to choose her father who has a driver over her mother who has fuck all, is because she is playing out what we adults taught her about the Value of Life vs the value of Money and since she is clever and can be imprinted with any bullshit from the parents and the parents' friends, she did, and now she believes that Money defines her and everyone, just like we do,  and we cannot in self honesty act surprised like 'gosh, where did she get THAT from ?" because WE KNOW where the kids get the shit they spit in our faces from, from us, yet when we see them playing it out we want to disown them and not be associated with such thinking as they play out in the Open for everyone to see Our Secret Minds that we deny and suppress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when I occasionally cared for children, to imprint them with the same bullshit I was imprinted with, with stories of morality about good and bad that stood in the way of their own development of common sense as an expression of themselves as Life, as Breath that they could have relied on for the rest of their life, if the adults that came before them, including myself, would not have interfered with the imprinting of their own bullshit as ideas, Opinions and believes and Multiple Characters as Personalities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that parking children in Church or in the hands of priests/nuns for their education is better than leaving them on the streets, even though in the streets they would see what is really going on in the world, while nuns and priests just veil them from reality while they screw with their heads with stories of martyrs and virgins all based in fear, pretending that there is a benevolent Creator sorting things out, and this is the good side of life with the Catholics, when they are not busy abusing the children physically

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'there is nothing wrong' with parking children in Church, where they sit and listen to the bullshit thousands of apparent adults have subscribed to, and having already gone through the point that adults know better, have to question their sanity vs the sanity of the believers and conclude the adults must know better, which opens the gates for all the religious shit to come in and be imprinted in their Minds, losing generation upon generations of people who no longer believe in Santa but believe in Gods, Saviours, Love and Fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that any religious teaching is in fact child abuse as the fears of the Parents are passed on to the children to create fearful useless Human beings that will never stand up for What is best for All since religion, together with their parents, stripped them of their common sense and their ability to see that there is no God's plan for this world that is not out accepted and allowed plan and that as we accepted and allowed it once, we can NO longer accept it and allow it and stand up for and as Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I stood up against teaching religion to children, because the group in support of the 'harmless teachings' was larger than just myself standing up and saying stop, and because I feared their judgement and then I believed that I was making a mountain out of a mole, when there is CLEARLY nothing wrong with passing on the teachings of Good and Bad, while I could see that there was because innocence was always lost with religious teaching to never return

I commit myself to expose the point that parents must be accountable and that having kids is not something that everyone should do just because we don't need a licence, even though we need one for fishing, and that if humanity is insane we need to see this and stop reproducing like broken records, always paying the same music again and again until we work out HOW is it that we are doing what we are doing so we can correct ourselves and THEN have children who won't have to walk long paths of self corrections because they will not be broken at birth like we were

I commit myself to no longer support a world where we make parenting skills a taboo, in fear that all will be called out for their responsibilities to be/become accountable parents, because we need responsible and accountable parents to create a World that is not based on Fears but based on what is best for Life and What is best for ALL

Day 105: Parenting/Patterning - Just One Cross of Separation

P A R E N T I N G

P A T E R N I N G

with one 'T' left over . The Tau, as it's named in the Greek Alphabet, or the Cross.

In Italy we are familiar with this symbol, it is the Cross chosen by saint Francis of Assisi, the monk that started the Franciscan order of renunciation, renouncing possessions, any possessions to go back to Jesus Teachings of Equality and Oneness.

So we could say that the Tau is The Choice, the Choice to Pattern our Children as Ourselves, regardless of how poorly we can in self honesty see we came out, or renouncing that Choice, giving up our Possessions as Parents to allow Life to live, to stop the Patterning of Life into infinity, creating the same broken patterns of Characters Interpretation from one generation to the next.

Two days ago I was sitting with my mum, as I said she is now 'fearing' my going away, she is aware of this fear, yet what she was 'jocking about' is that when I will be far away again, nobody will help me clean the oven burnt peppers like she was doing.   Imagine that.. and tremble :)

It was a weird moment because I saw both, the potential to laugh, which I took regardless of what she was really saying, or the potential to depattern myself from what she has passed on to me, as a joke or as something serious, menacing, the Fear of Aloneness, that she herself lives and that she can do nothing about, according to her, but pass on to me. 

In fact in her mind, she means and has always meant well, Her Intent was Good, to prepare me for the ugliness of the world, for everything I will have to face, the untrustworthy Humanity, the sadness, the pain an the abuse and the Aloneness, that Hole that sucks All of us in, for which no one has found resolution if not to warn the new ones coming into the World, beware my Child, Aloneness will haunt you until you Die.

So, FamiLies, hold their children not through Love, but through Fear, the most 'successful' relationships are the ones in which the children are so fucked up by fears that they don't go away from their parents, in Italy we have a phenomenon called "Mammismo", meaning Mama's Boys, we blame the Boys for not having made the jump out of the nest, but where lies the accountability of Parents, of their Patterning Fears into their children, so BIG and scary that staying close to them remains the Only Choice, The Cross, The Choice, The Cross, how many choices are we making as Free Human Beings ?

If All Our Choices are still driven by fears, how can we stand up for one another if Survival of the Fittest has been driven into the Flesh of each Child as The Cross to Bear, that Equality is just no longer considered as Equality implies that everyone gets to survive, that we give up the Winner/Loser Game for What is Best for All, why are parents passing on their diseases to their Children and call their dis-eases LOVE ?

Why are Parents not seeing that in order to Change this World and allow each One to face the Only Choice there is, Life or Illusion, they have to rid themselves of their dis-eased Minds of Patterns so as to NOT pass them on, because what we call genetics is in fact just the shuffling around of what WAS into what IS, to never allow what IS to just BE, but tampering with every new Life that comes to this planet to cripple them in our own image and likeness, until they too participate as we do in this system without asking too many questions or having the 'preposterous' idea that things CAN CHANGE, because we'll teach YOU, THEY CAN'T, STOP THIS NONSENSE DEAR.

Today I have listened to 2 Eqafe Interviews, One was called "Compromising Dreams for Money", in this interview someone who belonged to an Elite family shares how his Life Path was predesigned for him to follow into the footsteps of the ones that came before. he had the privilege of Money, meaning he did not have to fear for his survival every day of his Life, yet he could not just live his Expression or what he would have liked to be and express because 'there was a Life ready for him to be lived out', footsteps had been left for him to walk into, there was no Choice, just THAT Choice his family had designed for him. In our 'Money smaller' lives, we have all gone through the same points, the difference between me and him is that he knew he loved to paint, I don't know what I love to do, I love organizing, is this Me or a Pattern I live out ? A Parent I live out ? Because when I look at my mum she loves organizing too, she gets great satisfaction from organizing, me I just do it, enjoy the feeling of 'task completed' but was this my dream, my self expression ?

Hardly, the oldest memory I have of expressing what I would have loved to do was to be a veterinary, then since I did not enjoy schooling and my family could not support me until I was old at University I had to find something else I 'enjoyed' within the Money bracket in which we were confined by the World System. My mum said I would have to work to live, she did, my grandma did, she told me that unless I was born lucky into a rich family I would have to work to live, to pay to live. She never actually questioned if it is normal to PAY for YOUR LIFE, BUT she passed on the knowledge, this is what we do, within our Caste we work for a living, please get it and tag along.

The second interview I listened to was How Addiction to Suffering and Pain Killed Me, this too is a pattern I have lived, not dead yet, but the pattern of suffering and pain existed within my family, in my teenage years I would almost look for it, as a way to feel alive, because for certain having been patterned into a Caste that has to PAY to stay alive is not something to look forward to for the rest of your Life and slipping into self Pity and Victimization as a Family Pattern is a cool choice, if the Pattern has been passed on and provided by Loving Family members as the best 'thrills' I can get for FREE.

So, really, where is the LOVE, why do we keep kidding ourselves instead of just looking at Reality in the Face, moving out from the polarity of good and bad, accept to see the World AS IT IS, so we can stop and Change ourselves to realign to the Only Choice we Have ever Had, Will I live for me in my Alone-ness or for ALL in my ALL-Oneness  to guarantee that I start to be the Creator of new patterns that will leave footsteps in which future generations can step into, until this Horror Show that we have put on comes to an end and Heaven will be manifested on Earth, as Life Equal and One for everybody and All of Existence.

Join the Journey to Life, De-pattern/De-parent Yourself to birth yourself as Life and to leave behind a better world than the One we found.

Day 104: Cheap/Worthy Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Divide the world in Cheap and Worthy based on Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the Worthy than to the Cheap, according to my own perception and judgement of what is worthy and what is cheap, and to not see that my own self judgement of myself as both worthy as the rich granddaughter and cheap as the poor daughter were The filters through which I saw and divided the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the label 'cheap' since when I used it it was to diminish the other to my own diminishment of myself as my own perception of Cheap as the Poor Daughter, due to where we lived and the lives we led that to me were poor and cheap in comparison to my grandparents who in my perception lived rich and fulfilling lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money/rich with 'fulfilling life' failing to see that through this association I defined my life fulfilling ONLY when money was present, and unfulfilling when Money was not present, reducing myself to a Money Slave for my own fulfilment in separation from myself here as Breath as Life where nothing is needed for Self Expression as Self Worth 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my own embodiment of two Characters in polarity ensured maximum friction within me that I perceived as aliveness as much energy was generated through my own Characterization within polarities of opposing Characters, which is what Bipolarism is when we take this point to its max

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mum as bipolar, failing to see that I was the bipolar one living within polarity personalities as Characters for which I did not want to take responsibility and instead suppressed, trying to play just One Character at the time to keep myself from going mad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going mad as I felt the friction of existing within polarities that I did not know how to address and let go through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be Worthy in fear of being Cheap, without seeing and realizing I was fearing my own self judgement as Cheap in relation to my acceptance and allowance of the World System of Money as the ultimate Value/Worth assessment tool

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that unless I let go of Money as the Worth and Value Tool of existence I not only keep/kept myself enslaved but all others as well, while I insisted on seeking my own worth/value outside of myself to confirm I am worthy and valuable through the Money System, in separation from myself as Self Worth and Self Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that when I moved onto Spirituality I did so within the belief that I did not have the access I wanted into the Money System and so an alternative point of Value and Worth had to be sought to replace the Money System, so I could grow inside the Spirituality/Consciousness Movement and make myself More than others having failed at making myself MORE through the Money System and within this I forgive myself for desiring to make myself MORE than other while seeking for value through Comparison Games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow Money to judge myself and others as Worthy/Cheap, through giving up my own self responsibility of myself as self directive principle that decides that All have the same Worth and Value as Life and that Money MUST become a Tool to support the Equal Life we All Share

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since Money is too big a topic, I cannot take the Money system on but I have to lie down and accept that the only way to get my Value/Worth is through Money as the Ultimate Judge of Us All, failing to see I gave up my self responsibility so I would not have to stand up in and as The Money System and face my own self judgements and judgements of Money as the bestower of Value but I could blame Money for having taken this role while I just obeyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Creation to the point that I am still unable to see how it is that I have originally manifested Money as the Tool that decides over and above Life and that I now see that I will have to walk myself backward into my own acceptances and allowances of Money as the Worth/Cheapening Tool of existence to undo what was done through first equalizing myself to Money and no longer have Money be more than me/others, One and Equal, and then walk as Money as the Correction to Equality for All, where Life returns to be the Only real Value and Capital of this World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the points that came up in my life to show me how deep the Money entanglement went within me, moving through all my relationships within one form or another, deciding which jobs I should do or go for, and who I should be to get those jobs who were designed for specific Characters, and not seeing or realizing that each Character Impersonation was a trade off on the Money Stock Exchange, where the stock is live stock as Us as the Flesh we all Share Equally and have given up to the Money System for Survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money is the ultimate goal that we must all shoot for to prove who we are and who we have been and what we have done with our lives of Value/Worth, failing to see that believing that Worth and Value lies in the Money we have piled up is one of the silent acceptances of this Money System as the Worth/Value bestower on Life that has ended up putting Money above Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if one has Money, then everything is fine, accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money can buy my way out of trouble, out of my responsibilities, out of my humanity that I sell out so I can build the fake safety net of Money, that anyway lets me down at death since Money or No Money we all DIE the same

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the beliefs of this Consumerist/Capitalistic system, that teaches that we are just NOT born all the same and that some are more valuable by Birth and their lives are MORE precious, which we should be able to see by the fact that we allow almost 1 bil people to starve every day, accepting and allowing the opinion that their lives are LESS important than ours or we would be taking to the streets screaming murder, while instead we make sure to toe the line because the starvers stand as the example of what could happen to us if we were in fact cut out of the Money making world and it would then be our turn to become the invisible worthless lives that the rest won't mind to waste

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pacify myself with the point that 'The poor have always existed and always will', failing to see that this reply is not in any way common sensical, because if they have always existed for sure, we would at one point in time addressed the issue of WHY they always existed and what and where was the problem of this system of Inequality, and not just pass on the knowledge and information about their existence as 'the way things are' and that failing to look for a solution for the common good of humanity spells out clearly WHO WE ARE, and what we have always been as the de-humanized humanity that went Spiritual because going Physical in addressing the Physical points that need resolution always seemed harder than flying off in our heads, where we could pretend to be busy building solutions based on Love to cover up our FEAR of this existence and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if I felt diminished by the word 'CHEAP' without living a cheap life in the sense that I always had a roof over my head and food in my plate, what would others who in fact are living the CHEAP life as in homeless and starving be going through, and still make my experience of a word and what I charged it with, in terms of energy and fears, be more important than looking for a solution to erase the cheapness of this world as in suffering and starvation returning to each Life the dignity of Equality as in Equal Worth and Equal Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my own self hatred for 'turning the other cheek', for looking for ways to justify why it is OK to accept such a world just because everyone is and no one seems bothered about solutions but just about studying and measuring the problem, such as Economists, while people die and live in suffering in and as The Physical and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated myself for not standing up for Life as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word cheap with a negative charge and the word worthy/valuable/value with a positive charge, borrowing this imaginary charge from the Money System, that defines worth and value as good and unworthy and cheap as BAD, so we will keep striving to get MORE to finally access our value as positive, as GOOD, and keep participating in this senseless game called Capitalism, failing to see we have fucked each other Royally just so we could believe to be more as some were kept in and as 'the less' within an Imaginary Value/Worth system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement day, which is everyday, as I hold myself hostage of beliefs, ideas and Opinions about Money and the Money System, so as to not have to Change as I see Change implies some parts of me will have to die, infact all of me has to go, as my perception of 'ME' in separation from everything and everyone in my search for 'Happiness'/Money as value/worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this Money point has to change externally before Humanity can change, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am One of the Money Points Holder and that when I let go the Hold there is One point less holding the Money system in place and that the More of us let go of Money as the Money Holders the less points Money as the entity it has become will have to suck energy from us as Life for its own sustainance as a system with a life of its own, because it never in fact had a life of its own, it had OUR lives tied in and entangled around its fingers through our own choice that we have not been aware of how we made, having taken it on from knowledge and information passed on from generation to generation as the ONLY choice without seeing and realizing it was NOT the only choice, but the accepted and allowed choice to keep this system running as it is and never challenge it's soundness or common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen if we all let go of the Money point as clearly that means we will have to become self responsible for this world and that we will no longer be able to give up our self responsibility to Money for what goes on, which is one of the reasons WHY we let Money take the driving seat in the first place as our excuse to abdicate our self responsibility to each other and The World as Us in the first place

I commit myself to stop my existence as one of the Money Holder as in One that Keeps the Money system in place, by investigating ALL my Money related reactions, fears and attachments until no words that are Money related as Value/Valuable Cheap/Cheapened Worth/Worthy Price/Prize have holds on me through my own assigned energetic charges within a polarity system

I commit myself to stop investing value as positive charges in words that are resonantly positively Money related and to stop investing of a negative charge words that are negatively Money related, within the polarity of lack, as I see realize and understand it was always me deciding and assigning charges to words and that words carry the burdens of my investments until I stop and take all investments back to myself ,stopping the separation from myself and words and from myself as words

I commit myself to stop dividing the world in Money/Not Money whatever name I give to define these 2 polarity points, as it is in the giving the Have MONEY polarity more value then the Have NOT  MONEY polarity that I give and cast my vote to have some Lives be more important than others Within the Characters that we play, and this is how we end up with some Characters living the MORE life, through our own individual votes within the Mind Consciousness System as More and Worthier than Other Lives, that become LESS, in relation to Money and the voted in place Money-God

I commit myself to stop my fears of lack of Money as this is at the root of any Money desire, the fear of worth-less-ness within an internally accepted and allowed Money System of Worth and Value and to disengage myself consistently from Money as Worth/Value until I no longer stand as the self surrendered captive to the Money World but I can stand as what is best for me a What is Best for All for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Day 103: 'Don't Call me Cheap' Character

Back to the 'apparently menial'.

My mum spent two days here, she has predictably moved into the 'You are about to go away again ' Character, 'Let's spend more time together' Character and I moved into the ''OK' Character, as a way to just go with the flow while she is here.

So tonight I was not going to write, I am tired, yet after reading the Giving Up Character Chat, I saw the whole movement, nice inviting picture presentation of an alternative to writing, desire to comply and then putting my foot down for writing because I am the One that decides.

In these 2 days an event took place twice, the same event, menial, about me feeling embarrassed when my mum checks the bill at the supermarket, it's cheap, I used to never check the bill, I was above checking the bill, but yesterday within my 'OK ' Character when she found out a mistake I went and told the lady at the cashier that there was in fact a 1 euro mistake, it felt embarrassing, I kinda hated it, just for 1 euro, the losing face point.

Today I went to buy water alone at the little Chinese supermarket, when she gave me the bill there was 2 euros discrepancy (:) better stop the exponentiality of the pattern at 2 euro, considering I am evaluating going back to business and this pattern will fuck with me royally), she made a mistake, it was clear to me without looking at the bill and so I told her, walked through the embarrassment and she corrected the bill.

The point is menial both about 1 euro and then 2 euro, it is not about the money I saved, it is about how I perceived this experience and myself within it and why I hate to speak up about a bill being wrong when it's just not been added right, it is because I fear coming out as cheap, 'all this trouble for 1/2 euros', I get my 'life read for 1/2 euros', so I went back in time within my mind and I saw that this fear is one of the product of my schizophrenia as the 'poor daughter' and the 'rich granddaughter's' Characters, as I wanted and desired to be the rich granddaughter and not the poor daughter, I wanted to copy and be like grandma who would not have checked the bills because 'she was not cheap', while in truth she just feared to be called cheap as she herself was NOT born rich, where cheapness can be shamelessly displayed because there is Money to back up someone's value/Character, only the poor, the ones that have made money just enough to get out of the survival game, no longer want to be associated with 'cheap', as in 'cheap' lie less chances to survive, to be able to care for oneself, and because 'cheap' means less valuable, someone cheap is less valuable that someone who is not.

So I fear to be cheap, to be judged as cheap, to judge myself as cheap, because if I am Cheap, if I do care about the 1/2 euro here and there it means I don't have enough money to play in the big league, that I am restrained and contained in my movements by my 'Money/Worth' and it shows the extent to which We have not only abdicated our power to Money, but Our Worth, Each Other's Worth, while we look for signs of who is Worthy within the world through the Money/Worth display of Wealth/Worth and discard every one else that can not and won't be a good investment for ourselves as the potential for Money lending, for an access to Money, for a slice of that worth that I/we covet through Money and that I would not, could not give up until I give up my Money/Value/worth perception.

Money is what we have become, we must get it, because when we do, when we see the extent in which everything we do and involve ourselves with is Money tied, than the point of Giving to everyone Equally will be the consequential step, as no one should be defined by Money as Value/Worth, and no one should live in fear of being Worthless because they are Cheap out of the condition they find themselves in.

I judged my mum as cheap when she did what I did not dare to do, coming out in the open to say that I see and realize that Money moves the world, and I will look after that 1/2 euro because it is my responsibility to take care of me and not others' responsibility to take care of me, and that I am not defined by the fact that I check a bill to see if it was added right or because I speak up to say 'you are overcharging me' as I see this world keeps running this way because when we the poor are afraid to look poor, to say I am poor, I don't have access to the Money Game, because if we do we are 'Cheap' and less valuable than others and so we fall for the fear of our own self judgement of our worthlessness instead of disengaging from the Money System as a System of Worth/Value once and for all.

None of us should ever be defined by Money, we made a mistake, took about a million wrong turns, let's out the fear to stand up and speak up, No Life is Cheap, Money makes it cheap when we accept and allow Money to become the Value Tool of existence in the name of Profit and Self Interest, yet we can return Money to its place, as a Tool for Equal Support and make Life the Value of the Earth that we abdicated when we believed that some Lives are worthier than others and some are cheaper, in fact so cheap, that we can trash them on our way out of the perceived Cheapness of Ourselves.

Will follow up tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.

Day 102: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Self Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stop my existence as the 'Italian beauty Judge' Character, to stop believing that due to my Nationality I have special rights and exclusivity on Beauty ideas, opinions and con-cepts that I have a duty to pass on to others, spreading my own enslavement like a disease onto the new generations as beliefs and con-cepts for which I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to take back my own Value as the investments I have made into Beauty and the Beauty Industry while looking for my own Value/ Worth, in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth

I commit myself to give up the belief that Beauty is a Value and to dig into this Character as The Beauty Supporter to see where and how I started to believe in the Value of Beauty so I can delete my energetic attachments through self forgiveness and correct myself as the Directive Principle of me, to stand as Self Correction here in and as Breath to no longer be run in automatic by Beauty Constructs

I commit myself to forgive myself for my judgements about Beauty and what is beautiful and what is not, as I see realize and understand, that Beauty is a Desire and a Trap, that Beauty has not added anything of value to this world except for testimonials of the price/prize we have been willing to pay for Beauty, all the way to Human Lives as in all the ones that died in building symbols of a Beauty that we were taught to appreciate and value disregarding the Lives that disappeared into such ludicrous pompous efforts to build what would outlast us as the worship of nothingness.

I commit myself to stop my participation in unexpressed comparison Beauty contests in which I use Beauty to make myself more than others, using Beauty as the wedge that divides the world in Beautiful and Ugly, denying each other the Equal Right to Life as we uphold beliefs in and as separation from each other as Images of ourselves and not ourselves as Life as All of Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop my energetic reactions to comments about Beauty and Ugliness, to anything that is Picture related and supports the Image of ourselves vs the Substance of Ourselves

I commit myself to no longer invest in Beauty as a Value System and when and if I have to walk the Character of 'system acceptability' I won't invest anything of me and remind myself it is just a Character that I play as an Image Acceptable Character, until we bring on a system that dignifies Life and not the Image of Life that supports All Equally from Birth to Death

I commit myself to stop feeling guilty for the Image of me, as I did not choose how to look or the lenght of my legs as I was genetically engineered to play as a Character in which I stepped in and accepted and allowed myself to believe this Character as the Image of me to be me, and to abandon any idea of Beauty as Merit, that we have deserved it and some did not, that we have earned our physical appearance due to previous past lives in which we were good, while some were bad, as I see this is all nonsense to justify why some have a right to have more than others within a Value system as the Beauty System, and that any system of Value I support above Life, gives my implicit permission for the Value system of Money to exist One and Equal as a system of Value in separation from me/ourselves to abuse Life

I commit myself to see through all the layers of self deception as beauty, as something that I have used to cover up what I believed was too ugly to look at, which was this world as our Creation, where we allow other beings to suffer and deliberately make some beings such as animals the preys of our experiments for our ultimate pursuit of Happiness as Beauty as Value

I commit myself to stop believing that the ones that are considered system Ugly have less value than the ones considered system Beautiful/Pretty, as I see realize and understand we have created just another way to play the comparison and moreness game, while we lost ourselves into a Character game that we now have to walk backward to return to Life Here in and as Breath for ourselves and What is Best for All, Equal and One

Day 101: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Character

The point of Beauty as Cruelty came up a few days ago within our group. I resisted it extensively to the point that I struggled with seeing Why is Beauty Cruelty, even though it was laid out quite clearly in the Creation's Journey to Life Blog.

The reasons behind this point is that I have invested a lot in Beauty, ideas of Beauty, opinions of what is beautiful and what is -clearly- not.

When I lived in Hong Kong we had a French girlfriend, when she separated after 22 years of marriage and she came into our "Italian group' we felt compelled to 'help her' to beautify herself, tell her that she had to go for manicure and pedicures, pluck her eyebrows, wax herself, make up and finally she turned out acceptable according to 'Italian Standards', we complimented ourselves on our 'Creation'.

A few weeks ago I took my mum to the gym with me, my mum and fashion are the furthest thing on the planet, yet, when one lady we were chatting with stripped off, my mum took notice of how unattractive she was and told me 'If I were a man I would never be interested in her, did you see her dropping boobs, scarred belly etc etc, and then women complain that men do now want to have sex with them '.

Yet this lady that I often see is a fitness teacher, she works out 3 hours a day, her genetics though do not allow her to reach any standard of what we consider beautiful, her face is not attractive, she is short, her legs are muscular but not straight, there is nothing else she can do to attain that standard, she already does manicure, pedicure, plucks her eyebrows, waxing, she would need a total body and face makeover to reach what would be 'acceptable' within our beauty culture

Because we are raised to appreciate Beauty, our historical buildings are beautiful, our cities are beautiful, our food is beautiful, our fabrics are beautiful, the way we match colors is beautiful, our fashion industry is all about Beauty, our cars are beautiful and so are the women and men, in our imagination, according to illusory ideas and beliefs that we were taught and we complied to pass on, turning us into the biggest hoax on the planet of which we are not even aware.

We failed to see how everything we have given to the world is just crap, we are the ringleaders of standard setting for humanity, when we design jeans with holes, they become trends, when we design cars noone can afford and they become a sign of exclusivity and so do our clothes which we see in shops at price tags that match the monthly income of an ordinary family and only the Haves can afford, the Have Nots are left with plenty unfulfilled desires and a deep seated sense of inadequacy.

We create exclusivity so we can exclude each other, we can stand as both the unfulfilled desires and the accomplishment of a system of injustice, everything we do is excellent, we have the highest corruption on the planet and how can we be surprised ?

If what we are writing as 'the way things should be' is only attainable through Big Money, everyone is desiring to get the Money to make themselves into what We ourselves have decided to be good, Beauty, get the Money to beautify yourself, your car, your house, your children, get bigger boobs, lips, yachts, holidays, live big, eat well, discard anything in your way that stands between you and your Beautiful Life.

And please, do fail to see that we sold you the Beauty system so you won't have to look at the ugliness of a world that we created in pursuit of our desires, transforming our Humanity in the Ugliness of the cruelty of the exclusivity of an Imaginary Beauty, that some, no matter how hard they try, will just never achieve or be a part of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest value in Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'Life is Beautiful', meaning the Lifestyles we have subscribed to and hoped to, one day, if we work hard enough, be able to embody and live out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify Beauty as an ideal because we are trapped into the Beauty System and instead of looking at the whys and hows we ended up here, look for reasons why it made sense, like the Monastery of nuns that pursue Enlightenment through Beauty, because enlightenment and spirituality are beautiful and for the beautiful ones

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud and happy if and when someone told me you are beautiful' as if it was a merit, an achievement that made me fit into my Life better with more chances to take on the world and so everything that resonates to that original idea makes me positively react, including the 'Ciao bella' that we tell to each other, even to the  'ugly ones' as we go pretending that we do not see that they are ugly and we give value instead to all indiscriminately

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the world in beautiful and ugly and for defining beautiful the things that I have accepted and allowed as associated to Beauty and ugly everything else that doesn't, including asymmetry and fat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that saying to a woman 'bella' or 'Ciao bella' is a pick me up' because no matter how down you are, if you are bella/beautiful, life is rosy and things look bright

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the Beauty Crap/Trap that was set for us in front of our eyes and sold us and to which we sold out, just to become loyal consumers in the pursuit of unattainable standards of imaginary Happiness as Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anyone can become beautiful, their best, if they follow the Beauty code of manicure, pedicure, plucking eyebrows and stray facial hairs, wax, go to the hairdresser, get the right clothes and match them according to the color matches they have taught us as 'how colors should be matched' to live the Beautiful Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud about Italy and its Beauty, failing to see that anything we praise as beautiful comes from the labour of slaves, who built palaces for the rich -and beautiful- while they hoped to get a piece of the beautiful life for themselves without realizing that Beauty is designed to NOT be for everybody, because if it were it would NOT be special and exclusive and thus would Not Be Beautiful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the point of Beauty as Exclusive, as something that we have designed in such a way that not everyone will be able to live it and be it, so we can have Beauty to add to our other Value points that we accumulate as we walk through Life searching for the Value of ourselves in separation from ourselves as Self Value/Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disturbed at the idea that Beauty is cruelty, because I do not want to admit having participated in Beauty as I did to fit the beauty model of my country and I wanted to hold on to my perceived beauty as specialness and exclusivity and so I accepted and allowed myself to backchat that all the ones complaining are the ugly ones which is what I think about myself about the money system that I am only 'complaining' about it because I do not have Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to put myself back in place about the Money System as I accuse myself that 'I'm just 'complaining' because I don't have money now and that when I did have money I was nowhere to be heard', without seeing and realizing that I had to lose it all before I could experience for myself the hold that Money has on our lives and that I cannot take back the fact that when I had money I did not stand up for a solution and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for the past and my non participation as a solution when I had money in my pocket

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in beautiful and ugly, wanting beauty for myself, seeking beautiful places to go and visit, praising the idea that enlightenment is beauty and that beautiful people are better than the ugly ones, marrying the idea that we must have done something right, in other lives, seeking for reasons within cultures to justify Beauty, believing all the 'good reasons' in support for beauty and the beautiful life as a prize, something we won and earned  to live in this life as a sign of our specialness that made us not Equals, which is a despisable concept within the world of Beauty, but special and unique, unlike anyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the inequality of the world with regards to Beauty, as the desire for Beauty and what is Beautiful became a point of Value for me and more important than seeing the Equality of us All Here, sharing One planet and the Life we Breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give Beauty value over Life One and Equal for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, since I am Italian, I have the right and ultimate knowledge about Beauty and what is beautiful, and that because of my birthright as an expert on Beauty, I get to have a say in expressing my useless Opinion to others about what they should wear and how is the color matching done properly as I know better and they should listen to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see and realize the point of Beauty as Cruelty, because that would make me cruel for my participation in and within the Beauty System, and I don't want to be cruel because being cruel is bad and I want to be good, instead of just seeing realizing and understanding that I participated in what I was taught as a value system, and that I struggle to let go because parts of me are invested in this value system in separation of myself as knowledge and information, instead of recognizing All Life as Beauty and what is against Life as unacceptable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to beautify everything according to my Beauty Value System, so I can feel good about myself having complied to what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is in fact Beauty as Value, failing to see that wherever I define value of me outside of me I am just limiting myself and others and condemning the world to the Ugly life we are all living in our pursuit of Happiness as Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I set a beautiful table, match my clothes, have color matching fabrics and pillows I am more valuable than if I did not, and that I have to seek money to be able to accomplish this feat as in beautifying myself and my surrounding as that is where I believed some of my value is, instead of seeing and realizing I just turned out as the Beauty Slave the system has designed for me to embody so I could go and BUY my Beauty props, keeping the system going and my hopes to reach the ultimate beauty status secretly hidden within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that Beauty is a discriminatory tool, that defining people and things and nature according to my own accepted and allowed imprinted ideals of beauty is just insane and is damaging the whole planet as while we seek beauty and our own accepted ideals of beauty, we destroy anything and anyone that doesn't fit the bill, making some things less and some people less valuable just because they are not fitting the beauty ideals of the world, who has set them just to sell stuff as Happiness as Beauty and keep the system going

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the women I see at the gym according to my beauty standards, defining boobs, legs, faces, hands, feet, hair as beautiful or not beautiful, justifying myself that what I see is a fact, that they indeed are either beautiful or ugly, failing to see that these judgements can only come up according to beliefs, ideas and opinions I have accepted and allowed as 'beauty standards' through reading magazines, watching movies, hearing my family and family's friends comments about it as I was growing up and ultimately made this repertoire mine, believing this to be true, undebatable as beauty is not in the eyes of the beholder since strangely we all see beauty equally apparently, never wondering how this came about, blindly accepting that this is the way things are and not just a program that runs in our heads and tells us what beauty is and how to attain it, so we can strive to get there and get the fucking value of beauty that it's a market value like anything that can be exchanged for money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ugly, as when my mum cut my hair like a boy when I was a kid, and I got negative reviews and people asking if I was a girl or a boy, discounting after that anything that was practical in favor of everything that was beautiful and this included uncomfortable clothes and shoes that fit the picture image of myself that I was trying to go for, regardless of what I put my body through in the attainment of Beauty as Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that women who have their feet all ruined and crooked, with bunions and bones twisted and corns and have to attend the podiatrist care monthly is normal, is part of being a woman as I overheard women say at the gym the other day, instead of seeing and realizing that THIS IS NOT NORMAL, that we have found ridiculous the binding of the feet of Chinese women in the attainment of Beauty according to Men's ideas about what made women's feet attractive, yet we are just doing the same to ourselves, binding our feet in shoes that are designed for mannequins and not for women who have to walk in them, have a life, go to work, attend to their children and that us failing to see what we are putting ourselves through for fashion and beauty is a sign of our insanity and not of a world that supports Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when my mum made a demeaning comment on a lady at the gym, without seeing and realizing that I am the one making the comments even though I now suppress them into my backchat because I judge these comments as bad, yet I have not taken the time to look at why and how such comments come up especially in relation to 'if I were a man I would never want to fuck her' as a Value point, comparing my fuckability to other women's unfuckability so I can gain value for myself as the value is in how much men want to fuck a woman after she has done everything she can to be and become attractive so that a man will finally desire to fuck her and give her the value we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe lies in that one point of being desirable and fuckable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my value in separation from myself into my ability to attract and inspire the desire to fuck me in a man, having defined the value of a woman by how much she is desirable on the sex market and The Sex Game we all play through the Beauty system as a hook to get the next energetic feed through positive feedback from men that underline our successful level of desirability and fuckability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to give up beauty as a value system, because I have lots of Knowledge and information about it and of myself invested in it, because no one wants to give up anything that works for them and beauty works for me, yet I want a World that is best for All and this means dropping all things that stand in the way of our Equality and our ideas of beauty are just that, ideas, opinions and beliefs, which are not Real, and stand in the way of me seeing others as Equals, of seeing a being for who they really are and not their Image Presentation that must fit a specific 'system taught standard' that has no clue about Life and who we really are and what we could become if we dropped everything that is in the way of Equality and Oneness and is therefore not a standard to uphold or consider any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define great constructions as beauty, feeling proud when such feats were done by Italians as anything that is Made in Italy, like me, sticks together as a symbol of what humanity can achieve as Beauty as Happiness, deliberately not taking into account the lives destroyed in the pursuit of beauty as happiness as a positive recognition of value, discarding anything and anyone that doesn't fit an imaginary make belief ideal and standard, reducing humanity to a stereotype of desires to be achieved in the pursuit of happiness and value we have separated ourselves from as we embraced the crap of this system of Abuse where we can't even see Beauty as Cruelty

Self Commitment Statement to follow tomorrow.

Day 100: Journey to Life Review and Why to Join.

So it's been 100 days of writing myself out consistently, with 3 days interruption when my computer broke down, 3 days during which I could not wait to get my computer back.

For me it has been extraordinary, it has given me much more stability, less noise in my head, solutions for my life that I could not see before, because the cluttering chatter was deafening, have started to emerge, as I walk to become the Solution as mySelf inward and outward.

Today I had a moment of relapse into the downs (cause the ups are only up to delivery time, in the expectation and anticipation of the 'reward') of the reward system, since a few days ago we said 'let's write something about our day 100' I went into 'thinking' that day 100 would 'feel 'special', like an achievement' like something would ding and dong this morning to signal this mark, like I would feel rewarded.

None of these things happened, it's just another day of writing to get to know myself better, to tell myself that I did write for 100 days even though I doubted myself and I had backchat telling me I wouldn't because I could always step into the Failure Character and remind myself of all the times I took on something I did not see to the end.

So, for those considering to write themselves out, do give yourself this gift, this opportunity to spend time with yourself, look a the nitty-gritty of your behavior, at what goes on inside of you as The Mind, why we became what we became, how, what judgements, fears, ideas and opinions do we hold about ourselves and others that keep us separate, that stand in the way of us seeing our Equality and Oneness, in the way of us standing together for a project of Change that starts inward to manifest outward, for ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One.

To sum it up, writing is not rewarding, that is a concept of the Capitalistic system we have grown used to, where we believe that everything we do has a 'reward', a prize, a price, instead writing is an act of self commitment, it's the commitment to do something without a reward, without being given anything, not even a star for good behaviour, it's the consistent application of a new behaviour so that we may step out of our re-ward-ing, in which we keep ourselves caged to the Idea of 'what can we get out of this', 'what's in it for me'. And isn't this what is going on in this World ? Isn't the problem just this, that each one of us is 'in it' just for the 'what's in it for me' point? And The world doesn't have enough for the self interest and greed of All of Us, this should be clear by now.

Out of writing there is nothing in it for me, there is ME, all of ME that goes on paper, for me to see what I have made mine of this world and then believed to be me, what have I possessed that ended up possessing me, what have I not wanted to see of me that I have projected onto the world around me to turn this world into a giant mirror of myself in which, for a long time, I have been refusing to see ME, because really, how could this world be Me, with all it's flaws and shortcoming, was I not perfect as I was ?

Actually, NO, I was not and I am not, so we walk as a group with this intent, Self Perfection, to root out of ourselves what we see and realize is Not the World we would like to have and live, to make an inward correction to realign the mirror first to what is best for All, for Self, as Self is Me and You, and to return to nothingness as the point in which we can rewrite ourselves as what we were always supposed to be, caring Human beings, who see in another Ourselves and no longer the plaguing despair of our separation that has led to all sorts of atrocities that we can see outside of us, as Us.

SO, do consider to start walking for yourself as yourself, no reward, no prize, no price, it's free, it's what you freely give to yourself to build yourself into for-giveness, because let's face it, a lot of forgiveness will be required for the world to let go what we have done to each other in our demented pursuit of Happiness, a Happiness that we came to believe was to be bought and sold and ultimately stolen from each other as we turned Money into the weapon we used to be 'happier' than the ones who would have to go with nothing, just to guarantee that we could have more and be more and maybe ultimately be happier than anyone else.

Instead we see, realize and understand, how all this search has been a delusion, the idea we bought into that something 'out there' could complete us and resolve us and finally bestow on us that elusive 'happiness' for which we have gone to war, starved and killed each other, it's just Not Real.

It is really time for a Reality Check, time to stop the wars we live inside to stop the wars outside, time to stop playing Characters and become Real, Pinocchio could become flesh, will We ?

Journey to Life Blogs

2012: Nothingness -- the 7 Year Process to Birthing Self as Life

Changing the Character of the World

2012 - Finding your purpose in the Journey to Life

Desteni

Equal Money

Eqafe

Day 99: Gossip and Back Chat Self Commitment

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the commentary in my head relative to someone I have seen, spoken to, thought about, imagined, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that a commentary in my head is not supportive to others or myself, it's not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All and it is in fact an act of self abuse and abuse, as I participate within judgement, ideas and Opinions that stand in the way of me seeing another as myself, and of stopping the separation of myself from others as an idea I have grown used to, that is not Real

When and as I see myself desiring to comment out loud., wanting to express what is going on in my Secret Mind as a way to prove that I am honest and not hiding stuff, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no way to be honest if my starting point is what has been going on in me as the Mind, that I am just desiring to move into the Gossip Character to offload my backchat and that I do not need to do so in fact, I can instead breathe until the commentary stops, apply SF in my mind if I am in no position to speak it out loud until the energetic desire to participate in gossip, under whatever name I am attempting to give it, has subsided and when I speak I make sure I am clear and only share what concerns me

When and as I see myself desiring to bond, to get close to someone, I remind myself that this is the situation in which I will move into gossiping and 'sharing secrets' and that the desire to get close to someone 'out there' is just a sign that I am not yet close to myself that in fact I desire the self honest relationship with myself that I have denied myself while I busied myself with others and their 'businesses' as a distraction in fear of what I would find if I did take the time to look into myself in self honesty and that I can reassure myself that it is only FEAR and not Real and in fact standing in the way between me and finally getting to know me, getting close to me and stopping the desire to get close to someone else 'out there' 

When and as I see myself getting lost or about to engage the commentary in my head regarding another being, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that there is no honesty in my commentary as it has been built by Characters I have been interpreting that are not Real and have nothing of value to contribute but words to make myself as a Character more than others in fear of feeling less/diminished, instead I look at my desire to engage in this behavior, look for the cause and apply self forgiveness for having accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another, which resulted in my desire to participate in the commentary that I was about to use to prove my superiority and the inferiority of another

When and as I see myself about to compare myself or inside the comparison game already, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that comparison and competition can only happen among Characters that live in Me as The Mind, as a database of experiences, ideas, beliefs and judgements is needed to be able to compare myself, instead I stop my comparison so I won't go into competition and then engage myself as the Gossip Backchat Character in the Hope to level the imaginary field I myself am creating and participating within

I commit myself to stop my existence as The Arrogant Character, to stop my participation in backchat and gossip, inward an outward, as I see realize and understand that every judgement is Self judgement and I no longer want to judge myself or others

I commit myself to consistently stop my backchats about others and when a thought arises that seems innocent, I stop, breathe, forgive my participation in such thought, keep breathing and walking until I accumulate breaths of Self correction to stop the existence of me as the Character of Arrogance, that fears diminishment while it seeks comparison just to win, fearing that the comparison is anyway going on in the minds of others, not seeing realizing and understanding that I only fear Myself as the creator of comparison and that I can stop and within this I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is useless and that it only leads to feelings of inadequacy and diminishment and to abuse as self abuse, and that a habit won't go away just because I wish it away, and so I commit myself to be diligent about keeping up the stopping, not feeding energy to this Character of Arrogance, so I may stand as the Self Directive principle of me as self correction to change myself inward and outward Equal and One

I commit myself to be patient with myself, to not judge myself to avoid denial of my Mind activities in fear of my own self judgement, instead I take myself by hand and commit to just keeping up the stopping, until the backchat and internal gossip about others stops, so I can stand clear and be an example of self honesty for myself, Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

Day 98: The Arrogant Character goes Underground as Backchat and Gossip

Having come to the conclusion that Arrogance is NOT Socially rewarded, nor was rewarded within my family unless it was called something else, like 'being the best, the most beautiful, the best dressed, the most stilish' as attributes of value, the Arrogance Character moved underground, and set up shop within The Secret Mind.

This by no means shows that it was gone, it was just hidden, entertained within the secrecy of my own Mind or with 'close' friends, other people who would have Gossips of Value to share, because like in everything there is a market Value to Gossips and Secrets, the more outrageous, the more they wished to stay Secret, the Highest their market Value.

As a result of this another Character developed, which was the 'I share All of Myself Character' which was/is as devious as all the others because by no means everything is shared, as that would put me in an undesired position of vulnerability, but the things to share would be weighted on the 'Secret Market', given a value, and used for exchanges of secrets, hopefully fishing out more interesting secrets than the Ones given up in the Trade.

The amount of backchats and comments that were and still are running in my mind about everybody is quite relevant as the Arrogant Character is always seeking for points of value in another to diminish, to level the playfield so that it would never have to feel 'less than another' while failing to see that it is because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own diminishment relative to experiences and relationships that did not come out 'Picture Perfect' as they have been defined and filed in my Mind as the desirable Standard, that this Character exists in the first place, seeking to be more in fear of being less, desiring to be special in fear of NOT being special, not wanting to be Equal because Equal stands in the way of my specialness, and then where would I get my Value from?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and deny my Arrogant Character, because I did not want to face the shame and the embarrassment I feel for what I get up to when I accept and allow myself to embody this Character, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for embodying my Arrogant Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when someone says 'you are arrogant' feeling as if I have been called out, ineffective in covering up what really goes on in My Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that it is because I fear losing my cover and being exposed that I react and not because of what someone says about me being Arrogant, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called out and exposed as 'Arrogant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disclosing this Character because, if I do, then I have to Change and lose my right to diminish others in my mind and I will then have to face all the points where I have diminished myself, made myself less, put value on things outside of myself searching for value in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Change and the loss of my privilege to secretly gossip about others in my mind and my chance to allow the commentary about everyone I approach to run unchecked, while I pretend it's not happening

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about others as a way to feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gossip and secrets as something that I could trade on the Market of Gossip and Secrets, using them as a currency to gain trust and open doors that I perceived and believed would be otherwise locked unless a trade of secrets and gossip would take place to cement a partnership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some friends are closer than others and with them it's normal and allowed to gossip, because this is what close friends do, to let each other know how special they are to each other, pretending to share everything while the only sharing that takes place is about others and their secrets and what one wants to share to uphold the Character through which the interaction is taking place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that having secrets is weird in the first place, as secrets imply that they must be stored somewhere, away from public eyes, away from my own eyes as well, sometimes, without considering that wherever I stored secrets that I loaded with guilt and shame they would be bound to fester and rot and create a Secret Mind with a life of its own, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge secrets within my secret Mind with guilt and shame and for feeling guilt and shame relative to secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that having secrets that cannot be shared means that we will never be able to trust one another, as each one will be too busy trying to work out what is the other one keeping secret and why, and that to build a different world we will have to give up all our secrets to show each other who we really are and what have accepted and allowed ourselves to become so we can stand in and as Self Correction as the Self Directive principle of Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing this point because what if someone I know will read and judge me and think 'ah, so this is what you have done the whole time, you bitch', failing to see I fear my own judgement of myself and this is why I keep this Character secret just like I keep other Characters secrets because Characters are a sign of Mental disorders I do not want to share with the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I did to others in my secret mind and with friends, they would do to me, accepting and allowing myself to live a life of paranoia, thinking 'what do they think, what will they say' allowing my fear of the judgement of others about my life to run my choices or the choices I pretended to make so I could get a favorable review for my Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why and how I started to run an internal commentary about every person I met or had an exchange with, even though the commentary was offering opinions and thoughts I was not in agreement with or I saw they were not benevolent in nature, yet I allowed and accepted myself to participate in them anyway, blaming the others for the commentary that was obviously born because they were THAT way and not as something born out of my sick mind that needs to be rooted out and rewritten to be realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than people that said 'I can keep a secret,' because I could not as I saw that secrets were currency within my Secret Mind, keys to favors and good feelings to share with others while I exposed friends and family just for the energetic charge that I would get by painting them as the vile and wrong ones while I painted myself as the good and right one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I exposed this point, it would be another layer of known 'communication skills' that I would have to give up and then I would not know what to talk about if not about others and gossips and secrets, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not giving up anything of value and this is not a SKILL but a rotting point within me that I want to let go and change as I realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other people's lives as comparison with mine to see who was living the best life, the most righteous, looking for points in which I could prove their unworthiness to cover up my own feelings of unworthiness and unrighteousness and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was unworthy and wrong/bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that gossiping is normal, that it happens behind all closed doors as I saw my grandparents do it, waiting for 'a friend' to leave their presence and then cutting them down to shreds, deluding myself that I was better than that because I would not so OBVIOUSLY do such a thing, but would go about it in a more refined way, choosing my words carefully as to not be exposed as a gossiper but as a caring worried friend that had their best outcome at heart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my words irresponsibly, carelessly, just for my own energetic rushes that would always leave me with mixed feelings as I failed to realize that every judgement is just Self judgement and that whatever I could see in another I could only see, and assume because it existed in me, as me and I preferred to point it out in them as them than facing Me, standing up in Self responsibility to Change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and events in my mind of facts that happened so I could tell 'my side of the story' which was just that, a story that I made up in alignment with the Characters I tried to protect and defend, whose existence I believed to be my own existence as me, as who I really am and for fearing losing my identity as a personality, a Character that I failed to see was never Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the gossips I spread would come up and that I would have to face my absolute lack of respect for other human beings, One and Equal to me, just to protect my own identity as The Non Gossiper, the One Above Gossiping so I could keep on Gossiping and get away with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my gossiping, the damages I created in other people's lives as in the gossiping I was exposing their Characters that I had sworn to support and uphold through the game of friendship as they swore to support and uphold mine so we could keep on pretending to be separate, and not One and Equal and stand to stop this Self destructive game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't know how to stop the gossiping because I don't know what is the right thing to say to not engage in gossip as a way to get close to someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no right thing to say, unless it is a Character looking for its script that is posing the question, and that when I will be faced with the chance, opportunity, desire to gossip I can stop, breathe and speak in the Here moment according to my Self Directive Principle of no longer participating in Gossiping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn onto the worldwide gossiping scene, through magazine and gossip news, when I tried to kick the habit, moving into gossiping about movie stars and public figures, believing that there is no harm in that since I do not know them and they do not know me, failing to see that it is not about them in any way, or about people that I do not know as in the direct damage I can cause, it is about me and who I accept and allow myself to be within the desire to diminish others and be happy about their failures just so that I can feel better about myself and my poor excuse for a life, as I switch from One Character to another while I fail to be Here in and as Breath and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to be Here in and as Breath and for not consistently remind myself to Breathe and earth myself instead of getting lost in and as The Mind and the Characters I play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself within gossiping, accepting and allowing myself to believe that some gossips are better and less harmful than others, instead of just stopping my internal commentary, breathing, reminding myself every time I see any movement or reaction or judgement about another being that it is Self in front of me and that I no longer allow myself to participate in thinking or speaking or moving in self judgement and externalized self judgement toward another as I stand in Self Correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

Tomorrow will follow with Self Corrective and Self Commitment Statements