Day 197: Evil in Childhood - Under-Standing Money

Much of the current system and its rules has been taught to us. Deliberately.

We were not born with the understanding of how things worked, so we can say that the limitations we carry that had us believe that this system is what we have to accept (and allow) came from our FamiLies.

When I was a kid as I said before, I had access to Money that I could keep all to myself, since I did not have to 'declare' it, I did not have to share it either, in fact I had the excuse that since I was asked by my grandparents to 'not tell' I shouldn't or I would be a traitor.

When I looked into how I started to understand Money, a memory popped up of once when I was given Money to go and buy something and then by mistake I threw away a banknote of 10.000 Liras, the equivalent of 5 euros today. Over forty years ago it was a relevant sum.

My mum was very upset when I got home, she asked me to please remember where I had lost it, even though I could somehow recall making a ball with it with other papers and just throwing it away, which I couldn't bring myself to say, instead I said I lost it because if I said 'I believe I threw it away' I didn't know what I would have had to face. 

She asked me to go out and walk my path backward and look for it, money doesn't grow on trees, and to hope noone found it before me.

I remember walking out of our home and going on this errand in a frenzy and in a state of utter anxiety, I was very upset for disappointing my mum too and I feared that if I would not find this money something would change forever in my home. I had no clue where I could have possibly thrown it away -if I had done that-, so I replayed in my mind everything I did, including the trashcans where I may have put it with other papers. 

I don't even remember if I found it or not, it would be more likely Not than yes as I have not registered a change in this event but the basic raw anxiety that went with it..

When my mum talked about Money it was always in the contest of making me aware of its value 'you know how much that costs?' 'you know how much I spent for this/that ?' and the message, always loaded with FEAR, was that I should learn to respect Money, not just as a tool for exchange, but as something limited in its very nature and its access, a reality that families like mine, with a single working parent, would have to face.

On the other extreme of my family there were my grandparents, the ones who had a nice home and a wealthy lifestyle that included travelling. My grandmother was a big spender and a big tipper, she enjoyed the gratefulness and the respect she could buy with tipping, the title of 'generosity' which was only for herself and could only be given by strangers, maids, taxi drivers, the caretaker. Once when my mum asked her a loan, she said NO. My mother gratefulness was not valuable enough.

So I under-stood Money as way of/to life more than a mean for exchange, money was clearly a power tool, it was desired, desirable and who held it got respect. Who didn't had to suck it up.

Two days ago I was supposed to go to the bank to deposit some cash, I had taken the money with me inside an envelope in my gym bag, when I arrived home, in a rush, I attached the gym bag to a chair in the kitchen and threw my jacket over it and forgot about it.

Yesterday when I got up and remembered I had been unable to deposit that money the day before, I looked for my Gym bag and couldn't find it. After looking in all the obvious places and not finding it I immediately went into a state of anxiety at the thought I had lost that Money and I would not be in a position to make it up again and then went into a backward trip in my mind trying to trace my steps and whereabouts to pinpoint where I could have possibly lost it, thinking how stupid I was for going around with cash in an envelope inside a gym bag, remembering all the things I lost in my life when I was a pot smoker and always living on a cloud.

I con-vinced myself I had lost the bag and then another image came up of 'how would I tell my mother', as if this was any of her business, but it seems to be because the little money I have left in the bank she gave it to me, so it's like a loan, and not mine, it seems money is never ours unless we earned it, which is one of the reasons why as I exist within this belief I stand as well in the way of an Equal Money System, because I myself don't believe anyone is entitled to money they have not earned, funny because if this was true, what about the Elite that has never done a day of work? They seem entitled to it, I believed they were.

Many things to realign to get out of the way and stand one and equal to the Money System as myself to redirect it as me to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Money has to be respected because money holds the power of granting peace of mind or hell in its absence to anyone a will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into experiences of anxiety and fear and for existing as an experience of anxiety and fear related to Money since I was a kid because my mum feared and had anxiety over money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am separate from money and the money system when in fact everything exists made out of the same substance whatever form it took in this physical life experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself differently when I have money and when I don't have money all the way through experiencing myself differently even when I just 'think or believe' that I don't have money vs having money, such as I experienced yesterday when for 5 minutes I believed I had lost the money I was supposed to deposit at the bank

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to both having money, in fear of losing it, and not having money in fear of survival, polarizing both my experiences of myself within and as money and causing separation through my experience between money as me and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and think 'I am stupid' because I believed I had lost the money I was supposed to deposit and I immediately moved into scanning memories of the past of when I had previously judged myself as lightheaded and dumb for losing things due to the fact of not being here but away on mind trips, that I used to disconnect from the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what would happen to me if I had lost that money and to feel the dread of the loss of an amount I was counting on because I have accepted and allowed myself to move out of the world system and the money making machine and within this I forgive myself that I have been so angry at myself for the wrong money choices I made and money I wasted that I could now have used to support myself in a more dignified way and to support what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the moment in which 'I would have to tell my mum' sending myself on a time machine, back to Kid-dom and that moment in which I lost money and then I had to face the consequence of the damage I perceived I did to my family in my irresponsibility of not giving money Enough Importance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to how I have defined the moment I am living in relation to money as 'hopeless', imagine all the negative consequences of losing money as something irreplaceable in my current situation, scaring myself to the point that my body tightened up and I felt a ball of anxiety in my chest and heat and tightening and panic and for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a physical consequence and discomfort to myself as my physical body I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money cannot be owned unless it is earned, and since the money I have has been given to me by my mum, I live in a state of mental debt due to Money, accepting and allowing myself to feel indebted to my mum, to feel that the money I have is not mine, that my life that I have is owned and tied into money and the money system in separation of myself and that now it belongs to my creditor as my mother and within this I forgive myself for holding such belief that stands in the way of a world where no one will have to earn a living, or owe their living to someone else, because we are alive and the living is granted and the money system will have to realign to this truth of Equality and Oneness and a granted life to all as I realign to my own right to life beyond having to buy out or owe this right to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the political scene, giving up on it many years ago within the belief that nothing changes, nothing can be changed, when in fact the change can take place within a system as a mirror when the parts reflecting in it change and realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened by lack of money, by not having yet found a way to support myself consistently within this system, by believing that there is no support in this system, when system support starts with me supporting myself to move out of the Mind consistently, refusing to participate in the creation of further separation of myself with everything that exists and so

I commit myself to support myself to stop my existence as Standing-Under Money as the Ruler of this existence and to step by step, breath by breath, equalize myself to this system, Money and Existence as the Directive principle of how things must change and become in realignment to Oneness and Equality for a world that is Best for All

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Day 103: 'Don't Call me Cheap' Character

Back to the 'apparently menial'.

My mum spent two days here, she has predictably moved into the 'You are about to go away again ' Character, 'Let's spend more time together' Character and I moved into the ''OK' Character, as a way to just go with the flow while she is here.

So tonight I was not going to write, I am tired, yet after reading the Giving Up Character Chat, I saw the whole movement, nice inviting picture presentation of an alternative to writing, desire to comply and then putting my foot down for writing because I am the One that decides.

In these 2 days an event took place twice, the same event, menial, about me feeling embarrassed when my mum checks the bill at the supermarket, it's cheap, I used to never check the bill, I was above checking the bill, but yesterday within my 'OK ' Character when she found out a mistake I went and told the lady at the cashier that there was in fact a 1 euro mistake, it felt embarrassing, I kinda hated it, just for 1 euro, the losing face point.

Today I went to buy water alone at the little Chinese supermarket, when she gave me the bill there was 2 euros discrepancy (:) better stop the exponentiality of the pattern at 2 euro, considering I am evaluating going back to business and this pattern will fuck with me royally), she made a mistake, it was clear to me without looking at the bill and so I told her, walked through the embarrassment and she corrected the bill.

The point is menial both about 1 euro and then 2 euro, it is not about the money I saved, it is about how I perceived this experience and myself within it and why I hate to speak up about a bill being wrong when it's just not been added right, it is because I fear coming out as cheap, 'all this trouble for 1/2 euros', I get my 'life read for 1/2 euros', so I went back in time within my mind and I saw that this fear is one of the product of my schizophrenia as the 'poor daughter' and the 'rich granddaughter's' Characters, as I wanted and desired to be the rich granddaughter and not the poor daughter, I wanted to copy and be like grandma who would not have checked the bills because 'she was not cheap', while in truth she just feared to be called cheap as she herself was NOT born rich, where cheapness can be shamelessly displayed because there is Money to back up someone's value/Character, only the poor, the ones that have made money just enough to get out of the survival game, no longer want to be associated with 'cheap', as in 'cheap' lie less chances to survive, to be able to care for oneself, and because 'cheap' means less valuable, someone cheap is less valuable that someone who is not.

So I fear to be cheap, to be judged as cheap, to judge myself as cheap, because if I am Cheap, if I do care about the 1/2 euro here and there it means I don't have enough money to play in the big league, that I am restrained and contained in my movements by my 'Money/Worth' and it shows the extent to which We have not only abdicated our power to Money, but Our Worth, Each Other's Worth, while we look for signs of who is Worthy within the world through the Money/Worth display of Wealth/Worth and discard every one else that can not and won't be a good investment for ourselves as the potential for Money lending, for an access to Money, for a slice of that worth that I/we covet through Money and that I would not, could not give up until I give up my Money/Value/worth perception.

Money is what we have become, we must get it, because when we do, when we see the extent in which everything we do and involve ourselves with is Money tied, than the point of Giving to everyone Equally will be the consequential step, as no one should be defined by Money as Value/Worth, and no one should live in fear of being Worthless because they are Cheap out of the condition they find themselves in.

I judged my mum as cheap when she did what I did not dare to do, coming out in the open to say that I see and realize that Money moves the world, and I will look after that 1/2 euro because it is my responsibility to take care of me and not others' responsibility to take care of me, and that I am not defined by the fact that I check a bill to see if it was added right or because I speak up to say 'you are overcharging me' as I see this world keeps running this way because when we the poor are afraid to look poor, to say I am poor, I don't have access to the Money Game, because if we do we are 'Cheap' and less valuable than others and so we fall for the fear of our own self judgement of our worthlessness instead of disengaging from the Money System as a System of Worth/Value once and for all.

None of us should ever be defined by Money, we made a mistake, took about a million wrong turns, let's out the fear to stand up and speak up, No Life is Cheap, Money makes it cheap when we accept and allow Money to become the Value Tool of existence in the name of Profit and Self Interest, yet we can return Money to its place, as a Tool for Equal Support and make Life the Value of the Earth that we abdicated when we believed that some Lives are worthier than others and some are cheaper, in fact so cheap, that we can trash them on our way out of the perceived Cheapness of Ourselves.

Will follow up tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.

Day 62: Reacting to the System in Separation from Self

My computer crashed, it has been painful to face having to reconnect to everything because I had to reinstall the operating system, so had to crawl up from the point of I can't face starting from scratch, because in fact I can, that was just another idea/opinion and the fear of myself projected into everything that I have to do to become as efficient as I was.

Last week I had lunch with a girlfriend and the point of me finding difficulty in finding a job came up, she is retired, during our walk she stated all the reasons why finding a job is just impossible at the moment, which clashed with my desire to 'keep a positive outlook on the situation', plus the point that I started to feel angry, because if this is the world you SEE, why aren't YOU standing up for a system change ?

Is it just because you are retired and so have nothing to worry about, until the pension money will be there, or because you think you have earned your right to be supported because you did enslave yourself to the system and so you deserve having 'peace of mind' now ?

And then the obvious Desteni question came up, which can be reduced to ' WHAT ARE YOU DOING' for a system change ?

Yes, good point, what am I doing ?

And so I felt the need to justify what I am doing with what I am doing practically, meaning I am involved on social networks and exposing reality and connecting to like willed people for a system change. To which she replied so what are We supposed to do, take to the streets, start a revolution, set the Parliament on Fire? Which are all system questions, as in our separation from We The System and We The People we see everything as something that is happening outward and not an inward change that is required and that will ultimately manifest outward.

I could not bring myself to explain that I am changing myself from a system of abuse to a system that is Best for All as simply I just lack the vocabulary to deliver process in Italian to someone else, especially someone that I have already defined within my mind as a socialist that has always been busy with social causes, so I see her as someone who in fact has done way more than me in practical application, yet the point is that she did everything she did in support of this system believing that the system cannot change, just like me, while in my belief that the system cannot change I embraced Law of Attraction and Positive Thinking and basically said to the world "Fuck You", as long as I am Fine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I perceived my friend just accepting the system as it is, because now that I woke up I assume everyone should and if they don't, I have a right to blame them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated by this system because I cannot yet see how change will come in a country that is going more and more down the drain while people don't care

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not having cared before about the World as Me, and for not having cared about myself as The World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed when someone asks me 'and WHAT ARE YOU DOING?' because I feel I have nothing to show in the physical, like having an Army or  planning a revolution, all things I have accepted and allowed myself to associate with 'system change' while I projected the system needing to change outward and failed to see the system is inward as me as existence, One and Equal and that is the one required to be changed by each one of us individually

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost in my backchat while my friend was still talking trying to assess if I was the most angry and suppressed or if she was, distracting myself with the point that I no longer get angry as I used to and wondered where did all that energy go that I could not summon up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for a point within my friend in which I could belittle her, as in "she is angrier than me", so I could see myself as being more than her and get out of the feeling of being less due to my own self judgement of me as having done fuck all for the world in the past, like social causes and standing up for the needy ones

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself  for not having participated actively in social endeavours like setting up shelters for battered women, or working for the Foreign Missionaries like my friend did, instead of seeing that it's just another point of acceptance of the system as it is and that such endeavours were always meant to make US feel better about ourselves in a world of atrocities and inequality and not tackling The Root Problem which is the system and myself as the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'the Poor have always existed and they will exist even after I die' and within this belief accepting that there is nothing I can do about it but accept that the system is too big to be taken on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life is about Joy when it was clear that some people who were born in extreme conditions would never have access to the joy the LOA talked about because they were striving to survive another day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself for not paying attention to the world because when I did I felt bad and I wanted to feel good and have a good life experience for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend, projecting on her the blame that I feel for myself for not having stood up before for a system change inward and outward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my friend because 'she does that because she has no money problem', because I have not yet forgiven myself for having done that when I did not have money problems and within this I forgive myself for not standing up anyway when my life was 'working' and for believing that 'I am just doing this because my life is NOT working' or I would not care at all, just like before

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for something that I don't know, as in who I would have been if my life did work out and I had not met Desteni as I hold myself accountable for something that did not happen as my life did not work out and I met Desteni and saw the common sense of the message of Oneness and Equality, which was way easier to see from bottom up than top down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this system and what it is willing to do in the search for the ultimate gain and profit, instead of seeing I fear myself and what I am willing to do in search for my own energy and profit gains

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself as the system and for using this anger to not focus on what I need to do which is to get a job so I can re enter the system as an Equal, stopping all judgements about it and how far we took it and be the process of change within the system as the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the re entering the system will compromise me and my stance for Life, instead of seeing I can only be compromised when I exist in and as the Mind, where everything I do is just for myself and not considering What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop all judgements about this system and what has now manifested as the outflow of our participation in an existence of competition, in which only the most clever and strongest survive, instead of creating a system that supports What is Best for All as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to see where I exist in separation with the system through judgements and opinions of blame that I project outside to correct myself as the system into What is best for All as Life One and Equal

Day 54: For the Love of Money

The point of Money exists in and as each one of us. Money is not something 'happening out there', Money is happening in here, it's What and Who We have Become.

When I was growing up I slowly bought into the ideas and beliefs that everything has a price, if you keep going on that slippery slope of thoughts soon or later you'll reach the Terminal, the place where all Money and Price Tags converge = Life and from there Life too goes on Sale.

My Family was Money schizophrenic, half of it, my grandparents, had it and pretended to not care about it, which is quite easy to do when you Have It, the other half, my mother, never had enough and did not make a mystery of fearing lacking Money.

Funny to see now that I appreciated more my grandparents because they Seemed not attached to Money, something that is vulgar and preached against, only now I can see that all those that preach against Money attachments and talking about it as a "vulgar thing", have it and pile it up in truckloads.

Yet the reason why I preferred my grandparents fake approach to The Money Truth was because I did not like The Fear of Lack of Money, which is something that my mum had and that I have absorbed in absolution, absolving myself for having imprinted myself with the fear of Lack of Money of my Mother and the poorly disguised Love of Money of my grandparents.

Yet, fear of the Lack of Money will manifest lack of Money as all fears do manifest soon or later, which is why and how we busy ourselves into The Money Making machine, as The System, so as to never be overcome by this fear, because no matter how much we like to deny it, WE ALL KNOW THAT WITHOUT MONEY WE DIE, so Money is no longer a treat, it is a threat to our very own survival.

Since I have built up an elegant personality for myself in the footsteps of my grandmother, wishing to inherit her fake disinterest about Money and everything related to it, while spending her life accumulating and judging others who were doing just that, not for doing it, but for not having the decency to Hide it, I have embodied the Money carelessness that allowed me to throw away quite a substantial amount in my sabbatical 4 years during which I believed I would have been able to just manifest it, if I had followed through with Abrahams Hicks teaching on the Law Of Attraction, which I can say from having lived the positive thinker polarity to a T, it's just pure Crap.

First because the teachings are addressed to people who are more or less already positioned within the world system in places where they can in fact Make Money, and not manifest it out of thin air, second because if the teachings were true, they would not need to charge for seminars but would instead just have money pile up in the drawer as a result of their positive focus and desire, yet they charge, because like the Catholics, They Teach Us that Money is Not Important and it will ultimately flow and to just accept where we are, while they do everything they can to actively pile it up, through property ownership and investments that exclude nothing, even the porn business because let's face it, it's lucrative, and the more sinful and hidden sex is made through their teachings the more distorted and perverted forms of sexuality will be born out of it that they can capitalize on, the perfect investment in fact being in charge of the creation of the need and of the satisfaction of the same, under one big corporation.

So, Money, who am I within Money ?

I am a pawn, moved around by Money in fear for my Life, fearing that if I do not have enough I won't make it, always scheming and seeing where and how I can charge for my own survival, is this world the place we want to see, or don't we want to see the extent of the ugliness we have reached in and as the Money System of this world, where "Mors Tua Vita Mea", as the Romans said, "Your Death is My Life", and how can we be surprised if we take this inward reality and project it into our world, where the Death of Whole Nations signify the Life of some and we can't even look in Self Honesty at the length we would be willing to go to make our survival sure and safe, no Matter how many Have to Die for One to Live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with ideas and beliefs about Money and the worth of everything on the Planet in Monetary/Currency terms

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the copy of my mother's fear of Lack of Money and My Grandmother's hidden Love of Money, just into a combination of the best of the two world to turn myself into The Hidden Fear of Lack of Money and the Hidden Love of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, for many years, not want to face the Money point of this world and the fact that if Money was everything to everyone in my world, Money was everything to me as well, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Death due to lack of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being Homeless and Hungry due to Lack of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sickness and accidents within a frame of Lacking the Money to take care of myself and for hiding this to the point that I refused to have a health insurance that would force me to look at the point that even Health and Living is subject to Money or I would have had to stand and no longer accept such a world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and say that what I had was mine and the ones that did not have they must have deserved it through some debts that they were paying from another Life or their own unwillingness of becoming slaves to the system like myself and for believing They should not be supported or we would be breeding laziness, spewing out judgements and sentences that I have taken on from this system that educated me into the perfect proud slave that pulled her weight through working and paying taxes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more valuable when I had Money than when I had none proving to myself that my real Worth was measured by and through the Money System in separation from Self as self value and Self worth, that I would have to recognize to everyone Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the highs that I felt when I held Money or Credit Cards in my hands, under-standing the Power of Money as something Greater than Myself in separation from myself as Life as everything that exists, Money included

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel value when spending Money because I accepted and allowed myself to be imprinted with desires against which I could measure my worth/value within the Money System, believing and accepting that my value and worth were measured in and as me as the consumer of this consumeristic system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because in my deprogramming I no longer feel the high of purchasing as my value of and as a consumer and I fear no longer having points of value outside of myself I can reach for, instead of seeing it was due to my original mis-placement of value and worth of myself that I sought value outside of me within the belief I was worthless unless I could buy my worth and Life through and within the Monetary/Currency System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the perfect consumer of myself and Life, One and Equal, in my search for Value and Worth outside of myself, having abdicated my self to the Money System so absolutely that my life was lived as a Money Seeker within the need and addiction of accumulating value and worth for myself from which I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from believing that Money is the value and Worth of Life and not that Life doesn't need any Value because Life Is The Value/Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify this Monetary system that is consuming Life and the World, just because it worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face how much Money has become a part of who I am and what I have lived for, in fear that I will never be able to disentangle myself absolutely from my 'Money Investments' in which I exchanged myself as Life, as substance, for the illusory Power of Money as Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a Price Tag/Money Tag on everything in this existence and according to the Price/Value Tag give it more or less value, instead of seeing that it was my own existence in and as separation from Life and everything that exists and my acceptances and allowances of the belief that Money/Price Tags can define the value of things that led me to believe that Life is Worthless and that Money has more Value and Worth than Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which Life is on Sale and can be bought in One Piece or in pieces as body parts that People are now selling to but themselves the Right to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from people who were obviously attached to Money as I feared being associated with them and having to face my own Fear of Survival that was the underlining current/currency that kept the Money System alive in and as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one must make 'a living' accepting a system in which Life is not the only and absolute Worth and Value and The capital of existence, but where One's Right to Life must be bought, because I have not stood up to state that this is simply unacceptable until it worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the Shame that I felt and lived One and Equal to when I saw that if this system was still supporting me I would possibly continue to abuse, uncaring about the conditions of others as long as it worked for me and that I had to lose everything before I would consider that nothing infact has value but Life and that I could only see this from my position of no longer fearing losing something of who I have been and what I believed I had, because I was too self centered to consider others and what living as Equals would mean until the system worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to live in an alternate reality of the Mind in which I could pretend that I was not part of the problem because I was never one of the Elite, instead of seeing that this world system is built on each one of us as bricks that keep it in place and that it is essential that each brick plays its part in no longer supporting a system of abuse and inequalities that commits atrocities and crimes against Life in the Consumerist Ride we have taken with no fail safes to show us when enough was enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my friends may say 'you are taking this position just because the system is no longer working for you', instead of seeing I feared myself saying this about myself because I had not yet for-given myself my previous stance as a Slave and a system cog so I could stand up shame-less for and as this Change inward and outward

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my Money personalities, through which I have always believed I could assure my survival in Life, I stop, Breathe, bring myself back Here, remind myself I am disengaging from the Money System as a Slave to reengage the Money System as Me, One and Equal, so I may change the Money System to Oneness and Equality as and while I realign myself to Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself backchatting myself or about to backchat myself regarding what I did and who I have been in the past regarding Money, I Stop, Breathe, remind myself that I cannot be defined by my Past unless I accept it and allow it and that I am in fact redefining myself Here, in every moment of Breath to realign and walk my Self as self correction into Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my self judgements about Money and how I have related to it in the past and instead redefine myself and my relationship in and as Money to align myself and the Money System, Equal and One, to What is Best for All as Life as One and Equal to everything that exists.

I commit myself to stop my judgements of others about Money and how they relate to it because that is both a cause of separation and a lack of self responsibility in accepting that I would be no different in a position of privilege as I have been no different in a position of privilege, instead I stand in and as The Solution for a World that is Best for All, as Life as One and Equal

Day 34: When Love and Light Fail

I have been to Venice with a friend, yesterday when we were about to miss the train she said that she would ‘make the train late’ since she has already been able to change weather and weather patterns, 'heal people' and generally ‘have her way by using this Love and Light ‘ideas’ and Be Lie fs, systems.

Instead we missed the train, she said that the timing was too short for the Light to step in and do the Miracle/Work, she is into the triple numbers as well as a proof of her 'alignment to source'.

It was a walk into memory lane for me, I have done all of the above, alignment of numbers inclusive, my favourite was 111 just because Abraham talked about it and I loved Abraham Teachings, they made Me Feel So Good, I have also extensively pestered my ex husband about the Light and the Love that could 'change the world' telling him he just lacked the Faith, even mocked Him as a man with no BeLief in anything, a shallow creature that could not see beyond his nose, while I could, as I was better than Him, I could see beyond my nose even when my nose grew longer, like Pinocchio’s, for all the bullshit I spread about things I knew fuck all about, pretty much like anyone else since they are invisible, relying on ‘feelings’ which are just biochemical reactions of my de-mented brain to accuse and crucify others for not seeing ‘The Light’, not wanting to accept that “Money is the Light of God on Earth”, that only Money gives or takes Life as a form of given or withheld support in this world that we have collectivey created and manifested into existence through our acceptances and allowances and our direct participation in it as it.

Yet, no matter how clear it all is once we wake up, we must WANT to wake up, because the Dream is Self Built and Only Each One of us Individually can Awaken from the Sleeping Beautiness that we use as the lid for this existence of Abuse, to be able to BeLieve that we are in fact good while we zoom in our Minds and shoot light and love darts/rays to all of Humanity to uplift them to other dimension, deluding ourselves that we have done enough, that we are good enough, while we can watch them starve and have no access to clean water or a roof over their head, justifying this existence as an illusion in the face of the people that suffer that cross our paths daily, but we are too blinded by the Light to see them, notice them, extend to them what in Truth we know is The Solution to Human Suffering which is Equal Access to the Resources of the Earth, giving to each Human Being the chance we would want to have, a dignified life for All, and no longer justifying why I can change weather patterns (which I practiced as well in the past) but not care for my neighbours enough to stand up for and as a solution for All as One and Equal, in fear of losing the image and idea of myself, which was never real to start with.

I would have stood up for the Light just a few years ago, yet last night we proved that the Light can let you down in any moment, that the Light is in fact NOT the giver of Life on this planet at the Moment, as that would  be Money;  if we were left with only the Love and the Light and no cash or credit cards we would have slept outside in the freezing night of Venice, freezing wind blowing, humidity into the bones, no food, no shelter, no mercy, left to experience what we bestow on others who are far and remote and from which we escape into and as our Minds, anything will do, from meditation to chanting, to giving a few pennies to uplift ourselves from Guilt, whatever it takes for the next 'feel good' experience, energy fix, while Life is wasted through each and every wasted Breath of ours.

The ‘healers of the love and light’ will have a harder time than I did to let delusions go and land back on the planet, the Light is their Employer, it’s the hand that feeds them while they busy themselves pretending to be unconcerned with money, above it, having been granted special Status by the Light itself, but living as Fear, with many rituals to live by to make sure that the granted 'specialness' lasts, that the Voices in the Head as Guidance won't leave them to the harsh truth of this reality, having to always make sure to check the right side of the earth axes to be on the right side of the polarity equation, willing to do anything to guarantee their own survival, whatever it takes, jump three times around a pole, hold the lucky flower, the lucky stone/crystal, the lucky perspective and the BeLief that everything is fine, because if and when we stop, the visible world looks just as it is, a place full of fears, our very own, that we are in fact in no way in control, being the controlled ones through an infinite numbers of rules and loops we have set up for ourselves to live by and through to guarantee our safe delivery from Evil and the truth of the world, which is not Love and Light/Energy, but a shithole of suffering that we live in fear may reach us too and drag us down into the Planet where we will no longer be able to escape, delivered into what we have been trying to escape since Birth we would have to face what we have created through our abdication of Life, and the fear that Love and Light may not be real is just too big, until they both Fail Us, when the Love and the Light 'belief system' collapsed for me, the fall from my Self Imagined Grace was hard to swallow.

I did want to heal, to the contrary of what many healers told me as a justification about why nothing worked to uplift me from my existential misery, it was not a lesson, it was not that I was not ready, not willing, not good enough, aligned enough, believed enough in the healing or the Light that failed me, there was only one point that was never discussed in fear it would make the healers useless, obsolete, and in the worst cases, just frauds, and that was instead the key to my problem, it was me not accepting that I was in fact the one that would have to do the work to put myself back together and no one else would ever be able to Self Realize Me on my behalf.

Dropping the Light Idea and Belief System was not easy for me, yet as one that lives with numbers and statistics accumulating in my head, even without an active participation, when I looked at the Light Performance Balance Sheet the success rate was equivalent to what I would have obtained rubbing the Rabbit Foot, to saying 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' as Mary Poppins did or to praying, chanting, dropping a coin in the Wish Fountain, and for a long time I would try and count only the successes, quickly and deliberately attempting to delete All failures or to find good excuses, blaming my Light or Law of Attractions Failures on others, who did not BeLieve in it enough to make it happen so I could still BeLieve that it worked for me and that was the only thing that counted, basically honestly, fuck everyone else.

We have just changed the Power Source/God/Divine/Universe/Emperor clothes, but we have not given up our  need for it, yet if we want this world to change, we better get back at the Helm, because the Light just sucks as a reliable provider of goodness for everyone equally and  the Love is even worse, with the Love Idea and BeLief we deceive and abuse, let’s give them  up for good to build a world that is Best for All and to grant to everyone what we would like to receive, if I were hungry I would not want a chanting session, or a guided visualization or a lift to the 4^th dimension, I would want food and practical help Here, where I live and where I would hope to see everyone landing soon so we may sort out this planet and make it work for Everyone to stop all Abuses against Life in all its expressions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is possible for me to upset someone else instead of seeing it is their own doing as it is my doing whatever happens inside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I create an upset in someone I have to pay for it and I associate paying for it to paying with money to uplift myself out of the feelings I have accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be the cause of someone’s being upset instead of seeing it must be their own doing and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must pay other’s upsets I have caused and for accepting that some ‘faults’ can be levered with money which turned me into a generous personality to build credits in case I fuck up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any fuck up can be settled by Money and for desiring Money as a Fuck Up insurance because I did not trust myself due to my own judgements of myself and others one and equal as untrustworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others based on my/their past behaviours condemning myself and others to live into this looping past due to my inability to stop the judgement of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the White Light and Energy constructs as a way to not have to take responsibility for my Life and deciding who I want to be and what I want to do, but hoping and trusting that someone else will make decisions for me and then show me the way through ‘signs’ of any kind I could make up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice that by ritualizing myself into things to do in specific ways I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorders and the need to control everything and everyone grew in fear I may no be able to ‘make everything work’ and look successful with and as my alignment with the light

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and say ‘give me a sign/dammi un segno’ as a way to be guided and led on ‘the right path’ which now seems almost ridiculous to write as the right path has always been my preprogrammed path for which I would be re-warded with good feelings instead than bad emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the benevolence of the white light, even though the sign that at the least it was ‘an elitist’ club to belong to that was NOT providing for everyone equally but I did not care, because I was "in" and the rest of the world could fuck itself while I enjoyed my specialness and uniqueness as a white light puppet/muppet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that someone bigger than me could protect me because I feared this existence and this world, one and equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the Light and Love and the bullshit I believed to ‘make myself feel better’ to walk alone and as ALLONE out of the Mind and the bullshit I believed to ‘make myself feel better’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the white light/god construct as a way to feel better about this reality that I judged as unfit for life and yet I did not stand up as the solution that would benefit All Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my Light Failures and for mocking my ex husband as a non believer because he lacked the Faith to believe in the invisible that I could not see but I could swear existed because ' felt it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those that would not play with my delusions of Light and Love, because they had awakened to the truth of this world, as negative and party poopers, like my ex husband who wanted to watch the news and be informed about what was going on in the world, because I believed and told myself that they did not want to allow me to feel good about myself which was my birthright that I would pursue even if it meant switching off deliberately from reality so I could create an alternative one in my mind that I liked better and in which I felt more comfortable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel comfortable about this world in separation from my own creation that I judge as evil and in which I do not wanted to live or participate with, instead of realizing I was always and only blaming and judging myself without seeing that blaming and judging will only further separate me from the reality I exist as and will prevent me from acknowledging this world as me and stand up to change me as the world, one and equal, to manifest Heaven on Earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for what I tried to impose on my ex husband as a way to think and live by, hoping that if I could recruit people into my delusions they would grow stronger and I would have more back up for my belief system that lacked substance or common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the world as my creation in fear that I would have to take responsibility for it all and that I was too insignificant to be able to change anything, starting with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify and support my friend's delusions so they would support mine and we could all live happily in our make belief worlds while half of the world could not even have access to regular meals

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not standing up as the solution but for hiding into mind constructs of my own creations that I had to make more and more convoluted to be able to BeLieve them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dissatisfied with Reality to the point that I did not want to live into it longer than necessary, which was the time I was engaged in working or my jobs, spending the rest of my time off in my mind creations in which I pictured a world that made sense because this one didn't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this world and for believing I better believe in something that could shield me and protect me because I didn't trust myself enough to walk alone in and as this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to see that it is Money that decides who lives and who dies, because if I did I would have to face that I too had no other God but Money and that everything I did, how I lived and the choices I had access to were all because of the Money I had and never thanks to the white light or love, as I feared looking at reality and facing the point that I had turned into a Money Whore, just like everyone else, where whatever we do, think and live is possible only due to Money and what Money can do for us, and that everything else I told myself to  show I was above and beyond was just a lie, a story I told myself to 'feel good' about myself because looking at myself as a Money Whore makes me feel bad and I want to be more than those who are blatantly and obviously living with Money in their every thought and word, without seeing they are just more honest than me, by speaking their very Fears of survival through their Money talk and focus out loud, instead of suppressing and hiding it not to have to face the point that we are All equally fucked within this system and we better stand up and change it to benefit Everyone Equally so we too, money or not as our starting point, may start to live Self Honestly and Dignity as ourselves and stop all Money Value games to bring Heaven on Earth for ourselves and everyone Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was better than others who displayed obviously their Money interest instead of suppressing and hiding it in the good taste and deception we have all learnt as the acceptable way to relate to Money so we may continue to pretend that it is not important and the very root cause of everything we can or cannot do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself and be angry at myself because of my participation in and as the Money system that I tried to suppress and deny in fear of my own judgement of myself as a Money whore and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or others as money whores for whatever they did to get the money they needed to survive and I stop any and all judgements of myself and others relative to Money so I can stand in and as self correction as the Money solution as Life support Equal and One for everyone

When and as I see myself longing or about to long for an external higher help to get me out of the manifested con-sequences of my existence, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that there is no Higher Power above me, that I am All There Is and I have to keep walking to accumulate Self trust as me within Self Honesty and Self Corrective Application

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into Money judgements of myself and others, I stop, Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, until I see that I no longer stand in judgement as I remind myself that we need a system change and that judging others or myself for our Money stand at the moment is not only irrelevant but it's separation, and that I am already walking in and as the correction and that I no longer want to participate in judgements for the world as it is but just change myself as the world to bring Heaven to Earth for everyone Equally giving as I would like to receive Equal Access to Life to All, with no strings attached

I commit myself to implement a new system of support for All equal and One,  to end all abuses against Life, to stop our abdication of ourselves as Life to the current Money system of Fear and survival so we may live the abundance that is Here for everyone if we live in and as the principle of 'Give as you would like to receive', I commit myself to give as I would like to receive to All Equally and to expose the abuses of the current system until we may come to see the need for a change of the system as us, from a system of self interest to a system that considers All Equally and All Life Equally Valuable and Equally Worthy to bring Heaven on Earth for All, Equal and One.