Day 198: Evil in Childhood - Hoarding for Value

So, as a consequence of Money and my Under-standing of it as a Child, I learned to monetize everything.

A few days ago at the supermarket a kid was running around his mum pointing out all the offers 'look mum this is only 2.75, muuuumm this is 2.50', seeking for his mother's approval, learning that food has a value, a prize and we have to go for the cheapest one, mum's job is to make ends meet so lives are spent looking for offers, sales, what's cheap this week, what can we afford.

In turn we sustain the 'Economy of Cheap', unaware of the real Costs in terms of Human Lives in the world, because as I tried to explain many times to my idiotic/greedy Italian boss who had set in mind to purchase Metal goods from China at a price lower that the published going rate for Metal, you simply can't. There is a bottom line to cheapness and we have crossed it quite some time ago. When we look for things we don't need at prices that are lower than the cost of the raw material, even if we are ignorant, if we stop to ask some questions we must be able to see that someone must be working 'for free' to manufacture them, just to feed this system that we ourselves have created and become of seeking out bargains, the lower, the lowest price we are willing/able to pay for something and instead of demanding that everything is reconsidered to stop the abusive system we have created, we look for other suppliers, people willing to pay their workers less, give them less benefits, less coverage, less to them so we can have more. But this is digressing from my childhood, so back on track.

When I was a kid I did not take this route, I felt ashamed for my mum always counting money, it was not 'elegant', plus my grandparents who splurged made remarks about people who 'always talk about money' were vulgar, this word in Italian means 'common' in its original root, being common was Not Good, being Above the Common was the desirable condition, so I became the kid that would roll her eyes when questioned about money by my mum and when constantly prodded to realize its value and not the kid like the one above helping out and running from shelf to shelf to contribute to 'money saving' in the understanding of the family situation.

I did that because I could, I lived in between the Third World and the First World, Third Class and First Class, the only thing I had to do was to endure the week, then the weekend would come and I would be lifted out of the Misery of our lives into the riches of my grandparents' boundless lifestyle.

What I did not see at the time, was that my grandparents rich lifestyle and apparent Money 'snobbery' was just another form of Money Fear, they just did not want to talk about it because Italy is Not America, rag to riches stories here underline the RAG and not the Riches, and every Rag-ger wants to forget where they came from, it's important for the Act they are now playing, Old Money and New Money is not the same and doesn't have the Same Value. So everyone likes to forget their roots in favour of the Higher Value they can get for themselves if they can have everyone believe 'they are Old Money' which means REALLY entitled to Wealth and Luxury, they did not have to Earn it, only New Money is Earned, Old Money is given, Old Money it's a State of Mind we all wish to belong to, the certainty that one can NEVER revert back to Not having because there was Never a Not Having apparently within Old Money FamiLies.

So in the attempt to exorcise their fear of Ragging back to where they came from, Money became a Taboo, a thing for the vulgar, the commoners like my mother who did not have a choice but to rag it out because she couldn't work any more than she did, we already lived in the Government Housing, shopped only once a week and had one meager fridge that was plenty for the food we had to put inside, while at my grandparents food was hoarded in 2 fridges, at the time I saw it as a result of the war and having lived hunger, but it was not, it was the pleasure of hoarding what you don't need, they did that with things, plates, glasses, silver, clothes, shoes, jewellery, things that were stored in cabinets and not used, just for the pleasure of hoarding as Value, everything in their house had a mental -and spoken out loud within the family- price tag.

They were worth the sum of their things.

SO naturally, within my possibilities, I became a hoarder too, as a kid I collected water tattoos, I kept them in a pile held by an elastic and showed them to my friends. They were bought at the news stall in small packets of 5, each of my friend could only maybe buy one packet weekly, but me, due to my hidden secret money could buy tens at the time, I would sort out the doubles for exchange and keep the best for myself. Then I would show them to my courtyard friends, I did not use them, I did not like to stick these plasticky things on my skin, I just enjoyed their jealousy and envy, they gave me value, until one day, one of them couldn't contain it anymore the 'negative emotions', broke into my house while we were out and took half of them, my best ones.

I was gutted.

It took some time before she came clean about it and apologized, she even gave me back some of them but they had lost their magic power, they had been contaminated out of my hoarding hands and the 'feeling' I was able to gain from them was forever gone.

The lesson I learned from this as a Child: hoarding must be done in secret to not move too much envy and jealousy -something I have seen later in life is shared by the Chinese Culture for example, not the Italian one- as that leads to consequences such as theft and the 'contamination ' of private property.

Did I question Why I had more rights than other kids to what I had? No. Because it worked for me.

In fact my mum who pushed for me to see the inequality and the point that I had to share was just a loser in my eyes and her behavior was the reason why she had not made it up there where my grandparents were, with 2 fridges and a big house, all her stupid sharing ideas and look where they got her.

And so I made myself into a successful hoarder with a twist, if I lost something or had something stolen I would push to let it go, just so I would not have to re-live the feelings of violation and abuse for having been made to see that Inequality will lead to some not being happy about it that will keep what you lost or steal what you have in an attempt to leverage the play field. because if I did take that into consideration I would have to question if this is a possible way to live, if the thieves are the ones that are committing the crime or if the hoarders are the criminals piling up what they don't need, taking from what should belong to all, just to add value to themselves, a value from which they separated when they bought into the idea that things and money have value and not Life, and by accepting this belief condemned themselves to seek to pile up the value for themselves leaving some out in the cold fending for their lives. Which was what I did.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value lies in what I have and what I can accumulate as a sign that I am not common and as such not 'vulgar'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define 'vulgarity' as being Money aware, instead of seeing and realizing that vulgar means Common and that not having Money or not having enough is Common and therefore there is a system problem in the way we are managing this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I didn't copy my grandparents behavior I would be left with my mother's behavior that led her to a life of financial misery always trying to make ends meet, which was something I feared

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear having to make ends meet and not having enough for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define pleasure through hoarding in the hope to make others jealous and envious because those emotions showed me I had more, was more and therefore worth more than others in my search for value above others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek value for myself above others through hoarding what I did not need

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, collect things that I did not necessarily want or use, such as water tattoos, just because others wanted them and within me having what other wanted I was buying value for myself and leaving them value/worth-less

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel resentment for my friend that broke in and came and took from me what was the source of the ill feelings she felt, so she could stop feeling the way she did, which I wished for her to feel, because in her feeling less through jealousy and envy I got to feel more about myself and for wishing others to feel less so I could feel more I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the resentment I felt was for myself, for having created such a situation of inequality, of hoarding beyond my needs something I did not care for, just so someone else could feel bad about it so I could feel good, and for desiring to make others feel bad so I would get to feel good about myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make my grandparents 'more' than my mother in my eyes, just based on what they owned and possessed, instead of seeing and realizing it was because they felt less that they hoarded stuff to feel more about themselves by showing off and making others uncomfortable about what they possessed, that others did not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my attempts to diminish my mother in my eyes and make it her fault that she did not have access to the same things my grandparents had, so I wouldn't have to make it my responsibility to stop the crap of diminishing others through possessions but I could instead join in with my grandparents who had more and with whom I felt less afraid that I could be out in the cold any moment if I did not have Money to take care of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to change my Hoarder Personality into a Discreet Hoarder personality in fear that what I hoarded would be taken from me, instead of stopping the hoarding altogether so that I am one less leech on this planet that goes for what is not needed in a planet where some can't meet their needs so that some can have all their wants fulfilled

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I let go of my ability to accumulate something, which is just food at the moment, then I would be in danger for my life, I would have to fear what would happen to me if I did not have 'more than enough' stored away and I didn't want to face this fear and come to terms with it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my life as my ability to earn and produce money and then spend it on things that I don't need or even want, instead of stopping and realizing that if I am driven by the desire to own things I don't care for, who and what is driving me if not myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have been driven into owning, possessing and hoarding by and through a system that needs my "desires to be more" activated and then maneuvered into an answer that is Money and Stuff that I need Money to access, so that I can become a faithful servant to this system of consumerism, playing my part in the game of purr-chasing substance for my own energetic experiences, instead of stopping my desire for my energetic experiences so that I can no longer be moved or used as a pawn to keep this system in place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the next thing I get will make me happy, even though so far no 'thing' I got has had any lasting 'happy' effect on me, including food

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be run by the fear of not having enough, of not being enough, of the future of what can happen to me within a system that clearly doesn't support anyone that doesn't have money in their pockets, instead of standing for a solution that can in fact stop this fear for all so we may start to rebuild a world that is not driven by desires to be more but by the Equality and Oneness of the Life we all share

I commit myself to stop buying and hoarding what I don't need and this includes food, as I see realize and understand that there is no reason but Fear driving this behavior and my desire to be more, which has now manifested in me being more, fatter in fact, so I can show myself that no one needs more than what is required to live and that pretending to give up hoarding, turning my hoarding to food is not working and is no longer an invisible hoarding and is just a visual reminder of what I have to let go to stop my self created brainwashing and mind control

I commit myself to myself, to support myself unconditionally through this transition from a hoarder to a common sense being, stopping the judgements of myself for what I have done and what I have been, which stand in the way of my change which is best for me and best for all

I commit myself to embrace myself during this transition, giving myself the support I want to see in this world for myself and every living being, Equal and One

I commit myself to support an Equal Money System and to explain to all those ready and willing to hear, why and how we need to change individually to become the bricks that can sustain a New World, where fear will no longer exist for anyone and Life will be born from the physical to reclaim this World once and for all.

Related articles

• Day 197: Evil in Childhood - Under-Standing Money
• Day 90 - Parents Suffocating Life
• Day 189: Social Engineering - The Illusion of Choice
• Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa
• 198: After Death Communication - Part 47
• Day 195: The Evil in Childhood

Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest



Imagination Dimension

Me having Money to be able to leave
Me already grown up and living alone

Emotion and Feelings Reactions

Emotions of Anger/Rage

Overwhelming Sadness, Pain

Suppression of the sadness and rage so as to not give her 'the satisfaction' of having made me suffer like I perceived she wanted to

Fear I would not be able to suppress with 'dignity' and would expose myself as the hurt longing kid that I really was
Feelings of Relief when playing out the plot of myself 'leaving'
Feelings of Joy connected to the Imagination Dimension of 'living alone'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself having Money and being Able to leave, connecting Money to what I believed Freedom was and the Freedom I perceived I lack to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being Free as having Money, because as I accepted and allowed such definition in and as me, when I have no Money I perceive myself as Not Free and for tying myself down and constricting myself in and as an idea I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through Imagination to design an alternate reality in which I was already grown up and out of my mother's claws and within this Imagined Reality I had the Life I wanted which at the time was simply 'away from my mother'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my Imagination as a form of Spite, during which I would create Imaginary circumstances that I used to hold against my mother with thoughts such as 'You'll see, You'll miss me one day', not seeing realizing and understanding I was creating a Character of Spite that would always enact the same script when I would feel challenged or when I would take something someone said about me personally and then, unable to live with what I believed to be the reflection of me for real and not a projection of who made up ideas and beliefs about me and then voiced them as 'You are', and for my believing that I either was that or that I myself feared to be that, perceiving my space now contaminated by those words that had been spoken about me and desired to leave, erase my steps and leave everything behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel rage and sadness when I feared that I was not wanted, not appreciated and in fear of showing this rage and sadness in a moment when my "stock" was already at its lowest, to suppress myself and decide that I would never show this as further ammunition to be shot with, I would suppress, failing to see I was the one making up judgements about myself as unwanted and unappreciated through taking things people spoke about me personally, seeking what was 'the real meaning' behind the words they used, since I got it early, that words never meant what they appeared to mean, and in this seeking, I would look for the negative slant, as this was a family heirloom we passed on to each other, seeking the Achilles heel in any speech, building up ammo for when the wars will break out without notice, staying alert, awake, and through the perception that my mother shot me in the heart several times already, blaming the hurt I felt on her, I resolved to never trust anybody


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never trust anybody because I did not trust myself and what I was willing to do to not lose out, to come out on top so I wouldn't have to experience myself 'negatively' but have someone else the loser of the verbal wars and have to experience themselves negatively while I could experience myself positively as in 'I am/was right'


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own expression of sadness and rage, judging myself as unlikeable, trying to align to what was the likable side everyone seemed to be after, the monkey jumping number I was required to do every day that would ensure my survival within the system and everyone around me to be just happy with the circumstances and with me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of myself on a bus with my stepgrandma, in which I saw myself deliberately use the 'baby talk' because that's about when she stopped liking children, when they spoke normally, like adults, and since I noticed how she preferred children who were still children in their talk -to me- while my mother taught me to speak proper Italian as a child and not gluglu for water, I instead decided that her approval and acceptance of me was more important than me being me and not resulting into diminishing myself into the garbled idiotic language we teach to children to amuse ourselves, and in that moment I felt sorrow, for myself, for my unauthenticity failing to realize that the more I complied to what I perceived were the system, relatives requirements 'to like me' the further I moved away from myself and my own self acceptance and self expression until I believed that the acceptance of others was more important than the unconditional acceptance of me, Here in every moment of Breath, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in fear of exposing myself as a hurt kid, fearing that if anyone understood exactly how to hurt me, they would do so deliberately, as this was a family pattern in which we sought WHAT would really annoy someone and then go for it and so the trick was to not let ANYONE know what bothered me or what really hurt me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could be hurt just because I believed I read the intention to hurt and harm into the words of people around me, when in fact what I read was my own desire to hurt and harm others through words spoken aloud or in my secret mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word dignity to suppression, meaning that I could only access my own dignity if no one EVER knew what was going on inside of me, which was less than dignified, such as thoughts, emotions and feelings and as such, move into suppression seeking dignity for myself instead of stopping my participation in and as the Mind which was in fact the Undignified part of my existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would find relief from myself and from how I experienced myself once I moved away from home and my mother's claws, based on my imagination of that moment in which I would be alone and as such not stimulated into reactions of any sort and as such FINE, instead of questioning why I had reactions within me that I blamed on others just because they blamed their reactions on me and within that failing to see that I would take me and my own reactions and triggers wherever I went in the world and that Imagination never delivered and as such I should have defined it as non trustworthy nor real and stopped my participation in it as a source of distraction from what was going on within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the joy of being free through my Imagination, away from home and my mother, having connected the word freedom to not being prompted into Characters to please or to hide or to suppress, blaming the experience of myself on others as I lacked the tools to see that it was me doing what I ended up experiencing and that the freedom I sought was the freedom from the Mind, the cage I perceived myself living in that I could not understand how it came about and how to manage until I started using the Desteni Tools.


I commit myself to stop using my Imagination to distract myself from an experience of myself, because it is in moments of discomfort that I can see a point of polarity coming up that is causing friction inside of me and release myself from it for good through writing, Sf and SC

I commit myself to remind myself that even though I have accepted and allowed myself to become what I have become through engaging in the Mind and believing the Mind to be me as who I really am, that this is not all I am and that I can move out of my own accepted and allowed definitions of myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings and walk myself to stability as I can redesign myself in every moment of Breath through a process of accumulation, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, One Breath at the time.

Related articles

• Day 149: You hurt my feelings character
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 105: Human Liberties

Day 121: Come My Child, Embrace Debt as Your Life

Scars of a whipped slave (April 2, 1863, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, USA. Original caption: "Overseer Artayou Carrier whipped me. I was two months in bed sore from the whipping. My master come after I was whipped; he discharged the overseer. The very words of poor Peter, taken as he sat for his picture." (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today I gave my first English lesson to a kid who has to repair the ‘subject’ in September, a term that means she tore the subject apart -and not in the recommended Orthodox way- and now she has to fix it ?

I went through her homework and found out that she did study and did her homework and she did not need to ‘repair the subject in September’ meaning study all summer to reach a vote that qualifies her as ‘sufficient’ to pass, she would have needed some help in sorting out the subject and An effective schooling system that we do not have.

As she brought me up to date with the New Schooling System, she told me that ‘insufficient marks’ which are unilaterally decided by mostly frustrated teachers who hate their jobs and sometimes children too, are now called ‘Debts’, they are given some Bonus/Credits as well to use as wild cards to pull out to walk away from an Interrogation or a bad ‘mark’.

As I write all the words that are now connected with an Education System strike me as simply just absurd, debits, credits, good/bad marks, Interrogation, honestly how did we set up such a system and called it “Education” without specifying into WHAT are we educating Children today, Slaves to a system that brands them mercilessly to Divide them from Day 1 into Worthy and Unworthy, getting used to a Life of Debts, A Life as a Debt System.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when S. said that she could not repay her debt, referring to some homework at school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about this Creation of Ours in which we tell kids that they have debts to repay in school so we can prepare them for their dutiful Life of Debts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into my backchat as the Indignation Character about the rights and wrongs of this freaking system that pretends to educate children while what we are making sure to pass on is our own Debt System as The Way Things Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and embody the Indignation Character as a way to feel more and better than this System and in the specific this system of Education from which I desire to separate myself from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which children are born into Debt, where we want them to pay for our own Lives of acceptances and allowances within  a system of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that we are a hopeless bunch of  fuckwits and that I cannot see how this can possibly change if the system is tightening the bolts on Education to deliver perfect slaves for the system as we speak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it’s all hopeless if 14 years old kids are starting to be indoctrinated with the Debt system within their school curricula, instead of seeing how this highlights how urgent it is that we stand and take self responsibility to NOT accept and allow new generations of Slaves to come onto the marketplace where their Lives will be on Sale for Money and Profit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry as I sat listening to how teachers abuse their positions of power to belittle children as an outlet for their frustrating lives of demeaning teaching of useless material that they have to teach because their livelihood depends on their ability to perform within their Role (Play), instead of directing this anger that I feel for this system as Abuse of Power, One and Equal to Me, to make my Change Real within a Breath by Breath commitment to make this system of Abuse STOP for All involved, which is just about everyone who is “alive” on the planet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that Slavery is in fact an Economics problem, in which we have come to the most logical conclusion after having turned Life into numbers for Profit, meaning that the cheapest I can have something as goods or labor, the best my balance sheet will look like and the highest my Profit return will be, which means Slavery is just the perfect business choice that we will  keep making until we stop turning Life into a Commodity on a Balance Sheet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a good news about Modern Slavery, and that is that it is diminishing in our World, failing to see that numbers are manipulated to show the Everyday Slaves that they are doing well compared to Modern Day Slavery of no pay, no rights, no dignity, long hours of work and being disposed once consumed to death, while apparently the NON Slaves according to the Dictionary, meaning the Ones with Free Choice, are just Free to get a job and the Money that will guarantee that they do not turn into real Modern Slaves when out of Job and out of Money, having to sell their lives because at the moment Life is For Sale and the Right to Life Must Be Bought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the World is filled with Slaves, some have Money and some do not Have Money, and this divides us just into Richer and Poorer Slaves, nevertheless on a Planet ruled by Fear and Profit those who don't have the Money live in the Fear of Not making a Profit to buy their Right to Life and those living in the Profit gained from the Fear of others, live as well in the Fear that the tables will turn and they will have to face what we have done, while desperately trying to turn human lives into numbers to pretend that it was just numbers and that it was not personal, Just Business

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that things have changed/improved, since slaves times, as we bought into the pictures of how much harder times were BEFORE, as we allow ourselves to be imprinted with the History of Slaves, as the way things were, storing images and pictures from books and movies about the unfairness of the Old Time Slavery, failing to see that we are just being presented as kids with imaginary Changes of the world and the World system, so we may buy into the bullshit that Things Have Changed and have improved and how lucky we are and how great is The World that has recognized its faults, failing to see that we have just become more cruel and more cunning, and that when we saw that open-in-your-face-slavery-Egyptian-Style was no longer accepted and allowed, we went underground and built a Magnificent system of Slavery that never existed before, which, while it shows us and praises on our behalf  Our Freedom and Free Choice, it’s in fact holding everyone within an Invisible and Absolute Economic Slavery, where Life has to be bought and therefore we ourselves have become willing to sell it out to the highest bidder, making it our job to enslave ourselves as we accept and allow that there is No Other Way and so within our Acceptance and Allowance of our State of Slaves we hold the Masters in place, enslaved to their Creation as much as we are enslaved to Our Own, as Slaves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that there is no one to blame or hate here as we see and understand we are ALL the products of a system of Abuse we have ourselves created out of our Fear and that we are walking the manifested consequences of eons of time in which we have hoped that things would change, that we could wait for the next shift, the next spaceship, the next energy change from 3d to other Dimensions, without seeing realizing and understanding that it is BeCause we lost ourselves in Alternate Dimensions that the World has developed into something we no longer seem to have control over and that our fear of Not being in control as the other side of the coin of our Desire to not be in Control and Self responsible for ourselves and Our Creation, has driven us here and from here we really have to stand and self honestly ask ourselves, how long have we heard the Hopeful salvation bullshit while the world was heading toward implosion and wouldn't it be time that we stopped believing such crap, so we could accept that, right, no one is going to come, a shift is NOT going to happen by itself and we have finished the Dimensions in which we could Hide, as we have consumed everything and are now left in/on the Earth as The Eye of The Needle and we better find our way through it, because a Camel seemed to have more chances than the Rich as The Possessed to get through, so we'll have to get smarter than a Camel, leave Our Possessions behind and really work out how the fuck did we end up here, how did we design this self destructing machine as ourselves as The Mind, so we can STOP, Stand and Be this Change that we Can see is required for this World, for What is best for All, for ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One




Self Commitment and Self Corrective Application to Follow

Related articles

• Day 65: Inflation - Part 2
• Day 53: Government Intervention - Part 2
• Day 111: INNER STRUCTURE of an Equal Money System - Part 1
• Day 112: INNER STRUCTURE of an EQUAL MONEY SYSTEM - PART 2
• Day 113: Inner Structure of an Equal Money System - Part 3
• Day 114: #TeamJesus

Day 106: Patterning/Parenting/Patenting Rights ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is the right of a parent to pattern a child in his/her image and likeness, even though the actual parenting/patterning is not considering what is best for the Child as Life or What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was lucky as I believed I got a mild parenting/patterning in comparison to some of my girlfriends who got hit and battered by their parents, believing that they deserved it because they themselves said so, and for justifying 'some' patterning compared to others as long as it did not involve 'too much violence'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometime a child deserves a good harding, for their own good and that a good harding or a slap here and there, 'never hurt anyone' since they all survived them and grew into 'decent human beings', when in fact if the world was full of 'decent human beings' as a result of violent upbringing we would have changed the world already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to laugh at the representation of abusive parents by the survivor children, believing that since we survived the abuses and we could laugh about it, we were all right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that it is the right of a parent to do with the child what they want because they created the child and they can unmake it as they made 'it' in the first place, as my mother and many other mothers used to say when they got angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a good harding for some children because they were unruly and rude, instead of seeing and realizing they were just playing out family patterns out loud and that we need an overall education reform to re-teach what effective parenting is since none of us knows anything about it, or we would have created children that would have changed the world already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometimes children 'just take them out of your hands' meaning slaps and physical punishment, just because I heard parents say so, instead of seeing and realizing that there is something wrong in a world where we believe that violence is sometime necessary to teach children about a world where they have to get along with each other and love their neighbor like themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that some children would be punished more harshly because I have been punished harshly for minor things and I hated seeing other kids getting away with murder and I wished they at least got what i got so everything would make sense as 'the way things are' for everybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse poor parenting because 'everyone is doing their best' when in fact nobody has been doing their best but just what we have learnt and repeated from our parents giving it a minor twist here and there, so we would not notice how much we passed on just the same parenting traits to the children of this world, as what we had received

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse the poor parenting of my friends, because they were my friends and parenting is a secret we have agreed to never challenge as others could say ' YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE A MOTHER' even though this should not be an excuse to stand up and say that passing on one's fears, ideas and opinions of a religious nature, or lies about Santa Claus and the Wonderful World we Live in, is a Lie, damaging and abusive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support different parenting for girls and boys in which boys are praised for being strong/brave and girls are praised for being beautiful, while we define and limit children to  specific expressions just because this is what we were taught was important within gender definitions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my friend that the reason why her daughter wants to choose her father who has a driver over her mother who has fuck all, is because she is playing out what we adults taught her about the Value of Life vs the value of Money and since she is clever and can be imprinted with any bullshit from the parents and the parents' friends, she did, and now she believes that Money defines her and everyone, just like we do,  and we cannot in self honesty act surprised like 'gosh, where did she get THAT from ?" because WE KNOW where the kids get the shit they spit in our faces from, from us, yet when we see them playing it out we want to disown them and not be associated with such thinking as they play out in the Open for everyone to see Our Secret Minds that we deny and suppress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when I occasionally cared for children, to imprint them with the same bullshit I was imprinted with, with stories of morality about good and bad that stood in the way of their own development of common sense as an expression of themselves as Life, as Breath that they could have relied on for the rest of their life, if the adults that came before them, including myself, would not have interfered with the imprinting of their own bullshit as ideas, Opinions and believes and Multiple Characters as Personalities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that parking children in Church or in the hands of priests/nuns for their education is better than leaving them on the streets, even though in the streets they would see what is really going on in the world, while nuns and priests just veil them from reality while they screw with their heads with stories of martyrs and virgins all based in fear, pretending that there is a benevolent Creator sorting things out, and this is the good side of life with the Catholics, when they are not busy abusing the children physically

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'there is nothing wrong' with parking children in Church, where they sit and listen to the bullshit thousands of apparent adults have subscribed to, and having already gone through the point that adults know better, have to question their sanity vs the sanity of the believers and conclude the adults must know better, which opens the gates for all the religious shit to come in and be imprinted in their Minds, losing generation upon generations of people who no longer believe in Santa but believe in Gods, Saviours, Love and Fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that any religious teaching is in fact child abuse as the fears of the Parents are passed on to the children to create fearful useless Human beings that will never stand up for What is best for All since religion, together with their parents, stripped them of their common sense and their ability to see that there is no God's plan for this world that is not out accepted and allowed plan and that as we accepted and allowed it once, we can NO longer accept it and allow it and stand up for and as Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I stood up against teaching religion to children, because the group in support of the 'harmless teachings' was larger than just myself standing up and saying stop, and because I feared their judgement and then I believed that I was making a mountain out of a mole, when there is CLEARLY nothing wrong with passing on the teachings of Good and Bad, while I could see that there was because innocence was always lost with religious teaching to never return

I commit myself to expose the point that parents must be accountable and that having kids is not something that everyone should do just because we don't need a licence, even though we need one for fishing, and that if humanity is insane we need to see this and stop reproducing like broken records, always paying the same music again and again until we work out HOW is it that we are doing what we are doing so we can correct ourselves and THEN have children who won't have to walk long paths of self corrections because they will not be broken at birth like we were

I commit myself to no longer support a world where we make parenting skills a taboo, in fear that all will be called out for their responsibilities to be/become accountable parents, because we need responsible and accountable parents to create a World that is not based on Fears but based on what is best for Life and What is best for ALL

Day 105: Parenting/Patterning - Just One Cross of Separation

P A R E N T I N G

P A T E R N I N G

with one 'T' left over . The Tau, as it's named in the Greek Alphabet, or the Cross.

In Italy we are familiar with this symbol, it is the Cross chosen by saint Francis of Assisi, the monk that started the Franciscan order of renunciation, renouncing possessions, any possessions to go back to Jesus Teachings of Equality and Oneness.

So we could say that the Tau is The Choice, the Choice to Pattern our Children as Ourselves, regardless of how poorly we can in self honesty see we came out, or renouncing that Choice, giving up our Possessions as Parents to allow Life to live, to stop the Patterning of Life into infinity, creating the same broken patterns of Characters Interpretation from one generation to the next.

Two days ago I was sitting with my mum, as I said she is now 'fearing' my going away, she is aware of this fear, yet what she was 'jocking about' is that when I will be far away again, nobody will help me clean the oven burnt peppers like she was doing.   Imagine that.. and tremble :)

It was a weird moment because I saw both, the potential to laugh, which I took regardless of what she was really saying, or the potential to depattern myself from what she has passed on to me, as a joke or as something serious, menacing, the Fear of Aloneness, that she herself lives and that she can do nothing about, according to her, but pass on to me. 

In fact in her mind, she means and has always meant well, Her Intent was Good, to prepare me for the ugliness of the world, for everything I will have to face, the untrustworthy Humanity, the sadness, the pain an the abuse and the Aloneness, that Hole that sucks All of us in, for which no one has found resolution if not to warn the new ones coming into the World, beware my Child, Aloneness will haunt you until you Die.

So, FamiLies, hold their children not through Love, but through Fear, the most 'successful' relationships are the ones in which the children are so fucked up by fears that they don't go away from their parents, in Italy we have a phenomenon called "Mammismo", meaning Mama's Boys, we blame the Boys for not having made the jump out of the nest, but where lies the accountability of Parents, of their Patterning Fears into their children, so BIG and scary that staying close to them remains the Only Choice, The Cross, The Choice, The Cross, how many choices are we making as Free Human Beings ?

If All Our Choices are still driven by fears, how can we stand up for one another if Survival of the Fittest has been driven into the Flesh of each Child as The Cross to Bear, that Equality is just no longer considered as Equality implies that everyone gets to survive, that we give up the Winner/Loser Game for What is Best for All, why are parents passing on their diseases to their Children and call their dis-eases LOVE ?

Why are Parents not seeing that in order to Change this World and allow each One to face the Only Choice there is, Life or Illusion, they have to rid themselves of their dis-eased Minds of Patterns so as to NOT pass them on, because what we call genetics is in fact just the shuffling around of what WAS into what IS, to never allow what IS to just BE, but tampering with every new Life that comes to this planet to cripple them in our own image and likeness, until they too participate as we do in this system without asking too many questions or having the 'preposterous' idea that things CAN CHANGE, because we'll teach YOU, THEY CAN'T, STOP THIS NONSENSE DEAR.

Today I have listened to 2 Eqafe Interviews, One was called "Compromising Dreams for Money", in this interview someone who belonged to an Elite family shares how his Life Path was predesigned for him to follow into the footsteps of the ones that came before. he had the privilege of Money, meaning he did not have to fear for his survival every day of his Life, yet he could not just live his Expression or what he would have liked to be and express because 'there was a Life ready for him to be lived out', footsteps had been left for him to walk into, there was no Choice, just THAT Choice his family had designed for him. In our 'Money smaller' lives, we have all gone through the same points, the difference between me and him is that he knew he loved to paint, I don't know what I love to do, I love organizing, is this Me or a Pattern I live out ? A Parent I live out ? Because when I look at my mum she loves organizing too, she gets great satisfaction from organizing, me I just do it, enjoy the feeling of 'task completed' but was this my dream, my self expression ?

Hardly, the oldest memory I have of expressing what I would have loved to do was to be a veterinary, then since I did not enjoy schooling and my family could not support me until I was old at University I had to find something else I 'enjoyed' within the Money bracket in which we were confined by the World System. My mum said I would have to work to live, she did, my grandma did, she told me that unless I was born lucky into a rich family I would have to work to live, to pay to live. She never actually questioned if it is normal to PAY for YOUR LIFE, BUT she passed on the knowledge, this is what we do, within our Caste we work for a living, please get it and tag along.

The second interview I listened to was How Addiction to Suffering and Pain Killed Me, this too is a pattern I have lived, not dead yet, but the pattern of suffering and pain existed within my family, in my teenage years I would almost look for it, as a way to feel alive, because for certain having been patterned into a Caste that has to PAY to stay alive is not something to look forward to for the rest of your Life and slipping into self Pity and Victimization as a Family Pattern is a cool choice, if the Pattern has been passed on and provided by Loving Family members as the best 'thrills' I can get for FREE.

So, really, where is the LOVE, why do we keep kidding ourselves instead of just looking at Reality in the Face, moving out from the polarity of good and bad, accept to see the World AS IT IS, so we can stop and Change ourselves to realign to the Only Choice we Have ever Had, Will I live for me in my Alone-ness or for ALL in my ALL-Oneness  to guarantee that I start to be the Creator of new patterns that will leave footsteps in which future generations can step into, until this Horror Show that we have put on comes to an end and Heaven will be manifested on Earth, as Life Equal and One for everybody and All of Existence.

Join the Journey to Life, De-pattern/De-parent Yourself to birth yourself as Life and to leave behind a better world than the One we found.

Day 61: My Experience with Violence, I am not Violence

My experience with Violence started when I was a kid.

When I started to disagree on what my mother set as The Rules for My behaviour, slaps started to fly.

I have the physical memory of what being slapped felt like as a child, once she slapped me so hard I felt electricity run on one side of my mouth and had the slap feeling on my face imprinted there for hours afterward, I hated to be touched when she was enraged, pushed around and even more being slapped.

I found slaps in the face humiliating and unjust, there was a huge sense of injustice rising inside of me because I could not slap her back, the first time I did when I was 17 all hell broke loose, as this was a cultural taboo, every one was expected to take them and to never return them.

I remember as well what kinds of thoughts I would immediately move to when I felt physically violated, they went from rage to murderous and the feelings matched from anger to hatred.

All of this stuff I suppressed it because I did not know what to do with it and because it was immoral and bad to have certain thoughts and feelings against one's parents, so I added the self judgement on top of the pile of shit. By the time I was 17 and I smoked my first joint that was it, I had found my Nirvana, I would just no longer think about this stuff and felt peace and love for all the world, or so I thought until I discovered that it was like the bathtub plug, every time I pulled the plug all the stuff I had suppressed came back on the surface, every time I gave up Pot my first three days off were hell and spent in tears, I learnt later from other addicts that they all went through the same experience, so Pot is just like Antidepressants, when you give them up you'll face it all, the idea that stuff had magically gone away was just a delusion.

When Violence at home began, I started to hate all Authority Figures as well and became defiant to all of them, from police, to teachers, judges, anyone in the 'authority category' I would just patronize them, or so I pretended.

Of course within this defiant personality I had all sorts of ideas of what I would have done if I had ever met a violent man in my life, I would have jumped up, hit him with an uppercut, cut his balls off and  flushed them in the toilet, I was the Brave Brigade until the day I met One Violent Man.

This was actually the point in my life when I eased out on judging others, I had all sorts of ideas on abortions and the women who undergo them, until I had 2, and all sorts of ideas on women that allow men to beat them up, until I got beaten up.

I don't suggest getting the hang of it this way, it's painful and scarring,  I should have just given up all judgements on anyone and on myself too, they are really ridiculous and usually just the result of my demented imagination that played out righteousness and personalities to just be better than others, so I would not have to feel so lousy by comparison.

When I was 23 I met a guy, he was my colleague, he flirted with me endlessly at work but I had a boyfriend, I didn't want  to cheat, I was NOT a Cheater, for that I waited to be married, so I left my perfectly nice and kind boyfriend to embark on the whirlwind romance that this other guy had to offer. Of course I moved into the relationship with plenty of guilt, I basically threw out my boyfriend of 3 years from home finding something to fault him about and then even refused to have proper communication with him to support him to find a good reason for the break up, I simply couldn't, because there was none, I just fancied the other guy more.

There was something 'dangerous' about him, he was very fit, in great shape, and he was considered our new star employee, another genius like me, but he was recognized as such by his wage, so I thought I could vicariously enjoy some of his stardom and that he was a more suitable match for me.

He took me to meet his family,  when I looked back the signs of something off were all there, the mother and his father looked at me with a mixture of pity and gratefulness, strange because this guy was an obvious good catch. One day he told me that he had slapped a woman, I told him 'you must have had your good reasons', I wanted to look cool and non impressionable and fearless, like whatever, as long as it was not me. On another occasion we were sitting having a sandwich and I physically felt his rage, and even told him, I feel so much rage in you, where do you play this rage out and he said 'at the gym'.

One morning he pushed me around because of something I said and I rolled over the couch, he was soo apologetic, he said sometimes he did not realize his strenght. All the signs were there, yet I could not ditch him after I had left my perfectly good boyfriend for him, had to try and make it work.

Slowly I realized he had infiltrated my life, he kind of moved in without ever talking about it, he wanted immediately a tight relationship, almost obsessive, would call me  continuously at work when we were already no longer working together, every evening we were supposed to be together, plus sex was lousy, for some strange reason sex was the least intimate part of our relationship, in sex he really moved away, like I became a thing and no longer a person.

Two months later I asked him to leave, I told him I did not want this relationship and I was about to list the whys and I started with 'you are crazy' which triggered something and he slapped me and I flew across the bed. I felt the humiliation rise, I started to say I would report me if he touched me again, but by then I saw the demonic look in his eyes, just a moment too late, he dragged me to the kitchen threw me on the floor, pulled me by my hair against the wall and started to kick me in my chest and in my head while he held me by the hair, I had the experience of moving out of fear into pure survival, I was not physically afraid, I was just trying to cover my face and while he kicked me and said not to worry because he knew how not to leave any marks he told me that 'it's easy to take it on the weakest one, isn't it ?" Which given the situation was odd to say the least. But it wasn't if one sees that he was in playback mode, playing out the assault at his father over and over again. When he thought he did enough damage, he stood up to leave, of course  could not let him go just like that, after such an immense Ego bruising, so I stood up and said 'men that beat women are just deepshits', he put down his bag, came back pulled me by my feet to make me fall again and then sat on my chest chocking me, while he asked me to 'say I was sorry'. That is when I felt fear again, I flashed ahead to my corpse in the living room and my mother being told I was dead and all the grief this would cause and no one ever knowing what happened to me. so I tried to say Sorry, but I couldn't because he was chocking me so hard that I could not breathe, but finally he let go just enough for me to breathe and speak the 'I'm sorry' words and I did. Then he got up took his bag and left.

The next day I went to work, put on my normal work face and pretended nothing happened but one of my close friend from the HR came  to my office and standing on top of me saw my hair were not right, chunks were missing and when she asked about it I told her the story, she said nothing, went to her room and called him, he was at home, he was too sick to go to work and she told me that if anything else happened to me she would make sure he would never work again in whole Italy. This is how we settle stuff in Italy, from one threath to another, the bigger we grow in power, the more we grow in association, we end up in the family, the Cosa Nostra, the Mafia Clan.

He had some friends left at my office, he scratched his face and then invited them for drinks and told them that WE had a fight and that I beat him up, when I spoke to one of the 2 friends he was close to, he did not believe me, they introduced him to another woman,  he sent that one to the hospital.

Two days after he beat me I thought about reporting him, he told me he had a pile of reports for abuses 'up to here', so not believing in the justice system of my country, I called his father and asked him to call me back when he could talk. The father listened to me and then confessed that he was an habitual offender but they could no longer force him into treatment because he was of age, past 18 and therefore they could no longer interfere,  he said as well that if it was any consolation, he beat only the ones he really loved, funny because this happened to me as well when I was a child and I had a vicious admirer in the courtyard. Actually no, it was of absolutely no consolation.

For 2 weeks afterward I crawled against walls when going home  in fear he would be waiting for me somewhere, one interesting point of this experience is that the physical pain was almost immediately forgotten, It was the fucking "I'm sorry' that didn't go down at all, I saw myself as a coward pitiful woman that was not willing to die for her pride, how ridiculous is that, yet this was The Point of scarring of the whole experience, two weeks later the fear of him waiting for me vanished too, until he called me one Saturday to ask me out again, I remember fearing that he was somewhere close and going to lock my door, I told him 'you know you are sick right ?' and he said 'yes, would you help me ?' and I said "I can't, I don't know how to help you plus I don't trust you. Would  you meet you again after what happened  And he said 'before or after buying a Kalashnikov?' and I said 'so you gave yourself the answer because I am not buying a gun to feel safe to meet you again, but I wish you all the best and do look for help'.

Two months ago, my same friend that told him she would make sure he would never find a job again told me, 'you now CP, he is in jail in California'. She said it was on national TV, she did not know why.

I knew why, I went on the web and researched the trial transcripts, assault, rape, kidnapping, vicious beatings. In the trial transcripts they interviewed another girlfriend, she said he was violent with her every time he drank, he chocked her, set her clothes on fire and many other things.

The one that brought him  down said many things in which I could read the evolution of him as the mind in a very logical thread, he did it for sure, was jailed for 8 years, but never admitted to doing it, not even to have his time reduced, the shame of the labels was worse  than jail term, now he is again on National TV debating his innocence, I see him, I know he did it, we started out the same, violence at home, when I slapped my mother back he broke his father arm, I had just me to protect, he had his 2 younger brothers too, when he drunk all the suppressed rage the sense of injustice, the violence and the humiliation he never dealt with rose up, and Mr. Jekyll would turn into Mr. Hide, it could have been me, he is Me, the Violence and the rage  just never attended to because I knew that being a woman would never lead me there, I would stop at self abuse and some verbal abuse, but it was just the lucky gender roulette and not by any chance me being better than him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the rage and violence that I felt when my mother hit me and I could not hit her back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the hatred that I felt for my mother when she hit me and that I desired her to die, when in fact I hated myself for my own self abuse and I desired to  die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to suppress the sense of extensive injustice at being physically violated, because it is normal and legit that an authority figure can do what they want because they had power over me because I was small and she was big, instead of seeing I was being System Indoctrinated to obedience through violence in this sick system of abuse that we have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad and disgusting for entertaining negative emotions toward my mother that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe Had Authority Over Me, instead of seeing it was me giving my authority away because I connected my mother to survival and I did not know what else to do or where to go to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because if my mother hit me and slapped me around I must have deserved it and if I deserved it I must have been worthless and unlovable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my mother job to love me when she couldn't even love herself, instead of seeing it was my job and my responsibility to love me and be there for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desert myself because I was such a BAD child that even my mother didn't love me and so I shouldn't love or care for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT care for myself and love myself when my mother had stated through the violence used to rule me that I was not to be cared for or loved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother believed that I was unlovable and bad just because she couldn't control herself and what was going on inside of her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a victim of my mother's outburst and  for emboding the victim construct as the result of my accepted and allowed beliefe in me as a victim

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear physical violence and the feeling of having been violated every time she either pushed me around or hit me in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my life and my survival as a child because I did not know how far my mother would go and how to toe the line to prevent these outbursts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to normalize physical violence inside of me by disconnecting myself more and more from my body in fear of the physical pain I would have to endure if I was one and equal to my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that passion, love and violence are one and the same and for associating rough sex with passion/love and therefore with violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage a man who was OBVIOUSLY rage-full because I missed all the signs and instead saw a familiarity between him and myself failing to see that what we had in common was years of bottled up rage and humiliation that we had covered up with 'nice personalities that toed the line in appearance'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited by his dangerous personality missing the danger part of dangerous because I have accepted and allowed myself to feel electrified by violence and for missing out the signals that what was electrifying about him was his suppressed violence, same as in my mother and myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the  signs of his worried family when they met me, because I wanted to live dangerously this relationship with him because he made me feel valued through his obsession and desire to spend all the time with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge battered women as stupid whimps and imagine what I would have done in their place, not having a clue what is it like to be thrown against a wall yet imagining myself to be better than other women until I found myself in the same situation and took a good beating just like they did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for myself the first time he pushed me around, because I had the experience to know that violence escalates but because I felt guilty over how I had dumped my boyfriend for him parts of me believed I deserved everything that was coming for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hear him when he told me he had slapped a woman and for saying 'you must have had your good reasons' because he was trying to have an honest communication but I was too busy playing out the cool cookie to pay any attention to someone that was as sick as me and that as me was desperately trying to suppress it and not show it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are 'good reasons' for violence and that sometime when 'one is needed it should be given', because I have internalized this talk from my mother justifying why she would use violence against me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move out of my body when he hit me to a degree that I realized the damage and the fear I felt only when my hair fell off in chunks because I feared for my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying in a beating and being chicked to death and having my corpse discovered in my apartment and the grief that it would cause my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mother's potential grief as the excuse to allow myself to say 'I am sorry'' instead of seeing that it was the common sense thing to do given the situation and that I did not have to feel guilty and a coward for doing what I had to do to save my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for saying 'I'm sorry' because even in that moment I wanted to keep up the apperance of the strong resiliant woman above living and I hated to say an "i'm sorry" in exchange for my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my personalities are more valuable than my Life and that I should die defending them as to say that my Mind is more important than My Life and I should die defending it, which is NOT the case

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see in this man a clear mirror of myself as a result of violence and suppressed thoughts and emotions as a child and that while I did not support myself to stop my self abuse he did not stop himself and his self abuse escalated all the way to damaging acts of violence to which I have not given in just because I suppressed myself more efficiently than him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame him  for what happened between us, instead of seeing what happened as the manifested consequences of my self abuse and my self judgement of myself as worthless and unlovable and as a victim that did not stand as the Authority Figure in and as myself and someone else around me always did in my place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate all authority figures because I blamed them for taking my power away and for having power over me, instead of seeing that it was me giving my power away believing that I was helpless and unable to stand for and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions with food because tonight when  I discovered he is actually out of jail and watched his interviews on you tube I went into  an unreasonable fear and saw myself desire to eat, simply because I could not drink or smoke pot, and so I saw clearly my pattern of suppression play out that I did not stop, because I stuffed myself before sitting down and writing all of this out, instead of sitting down and writing myself out instead of accepting to suppress myself in any way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and rage and then desire for revenge when I discovered he was out of jail after just 8 years (sic) proclaiming his innocence when I know from the transcript that he did it because the patterns were the same as what he did to me just way worse and that I wanted to see him crucified and not excused and have everyone believing he is innocent when he is a repeat offender and a pathological liar, just like me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be wiling to forgive myself for this rage and violence I have lived one and equal to and for projecting on him my own desire to crucify myself instead of stopping all self abuse and standing in  and as the correction that is required by me to own all of me in self responsibility and keep walking my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  withhold my self forgiveness and to project on others One and Equal to me the withholding of my forgiveness, even when I can clearly see the absolute mirror of myself even to the point that I too would lie about such crimes in fear of those labels and the judgements of others I should live with, reminding me I am a violent rapist and an abuser of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others and of myself about what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through and as The Mind, as an Abuser of Life, of myself and others one and equal, in search for blood, revenge, squaring books of debts and credits, so I can live that one insignificant point of righteousness and for a moment stop seeing myself as such a fuck up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a fuck up, everyone fucked up here according to our placement and life experience, so the sooner all judgements stop, the sooner we can start to heal and put all our pieces back together in alignment with Oneness and equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I should reach out to him and introduce him to Desteni because he is a computer programmer and he would get what this is all about, and I can see the next one he will kill her, but then I went into fear of the consequences I may have to face, that the next one could be me, and made myself confused about what would be the best way to support him, if any

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to save another that I did not support when I had a chance, believing that it is my responsibility to save others, instead of seeing I couldn't even if I wanted to because this is a process each one of us has to board on their own self will, but I can keep breathing and see if I find a way to let him have this material reconciling this point with what is best for me and best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in such a world where violence against children is accepted and supported and where Children Have No Consideration or guidance about how to develop into effective human beings and we turn out into monster, exponentially worse than our parents and the lineage we come from, as we keep compounding and diminishing ourselves into nothingness searching for Life in separation from ourselves as Life, here in every moment of Breath.

I commit myself to erase my existence of violence, of justifications of violence, of memories of violence and imprints of violence as I no longer support or justify violence as me, as past, present or future, or any self abuse that is rooted in violence and judgements of myself and others as violence.

I commit myself to stop the violence of me as The World, One and Equal by clearing myself of any reaction toward violence, walking my self correction of and as a violence free world into existence as Me, as Life, One and Equal.