Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Day 78: 'Fuck it', My favourite Character

It's been a bit challenging to contain the outflow of the new thoughts regarding this 'Character' perspective, it seems a bit daunting as well having to face all of the thoughts as Characters.
But then I saw that we have been given a lead with the Character perspective, a way to use Characters to pull together thoughts  under specific Character Umbrella, as Characters are the Corporations managing our Relationships and resources as Energy.
Some of this work was outlined a long time ago by Assagioli, an Italian M.D. who wrote the Theory of Psychosynthesis and of the Subpersonalities/Characters.
At the time no one had a fleeting clue about how it would be possible to delete subpersonalities/Characters, so Dr. Assaggioli offered 'Character management' Theories, designed to establish how much 'Air Time' should each Character/Personality get during the day and when, as to not mine the smooth flow of an apparently normal life.
Of course this was impossible, no matter how much one committed to become a good Orchestra Director and manage all of the instruments toward a symphony, some players would just step out of line,  sing out of tune in and at their own leisure and just do their own little number when least expected.
Assaggioli tried to get the Soul to step in for help, which did not work either as the Soul, like all the rest, was ultimately unreliable, the Origin was unreliable, the Director/Soul was ultimately just another Character.
What has been created by unreliability could never turn into something reliable, not in a million years (oh wait, we have actually PROVEN this point, since we kept coming back again and again and we have not become any better at managing ourselves and our own Corporations as Characters/Personalities), in fact if there was space for it, we have proven that the fuck ups can be endless and the looping in circles can take unexpected twists and turns and ultimately deliver us back where we started, to ourselves as the Characters we kept hoping we could fool and move away from, once we decided we no longer liked one 'of us' or agreed with one of us/Me but no matter how far we went, everything and everyone came along, it's surprising how can we ever feel lonely given the Psychotic brigade we carry along, and maybe we would stop feeling Alone if we stood Here and took a good look at how many of Us, how many Mes are always really around.
The reason why I had a bit of excitement about this Character perspective is because I like organizing, one of my favorite things, I like filing as well, so now is to apply the opposite of filing, it is to pick up a label, a definition of myself, that can even be a thought and look underneath what is there, what keeps this thought, personality alive, where did it start, it's possible that if I get the label right, everything will be filed under it, linked to it, connected through threads of relationships of memories, emotions and feelings and I can use my own filing system to undo myselves, isn't what the Mind is after all, an organizing ensemble of thoughts, emotions and feelings that we call experiences and then we define the experiences and they became 'Our Life' and Who We are, until we stop it, stop the Illusion of Separation and the desire to be More within the search for the More of me and the More than Here, and just see, We were always Here from the very beginning, until and unless we were not.

So, I want to start this deconstructing exercise with 'Fuck it', I don't have a specific name for this Character of Mine but this would be the sentence that defines it the most.
Of the many characters of mine this is one of the Most devastating, it is the one the leads the dance to the Rock Bottoms of My Life, the Pied Piper that has defined Life specifically as the Desire for More of something, anything, as long as it's toxic, numbing, exciting or destructive.
The origin of this character is in my perception of uselessness and defeat, whenever I have faced one of these 2 points in my Life 'Fuck it' steps in and takes over with my blessing and permission.
'Fuck it' is Fearless, never wonders or evaluates consequences be them on my physical body or on my mental balance, 'Fuck It' likes it hard, 'Life' to the fullest, the extra drink, the most damaging Spirit, the joint that will make me faint, the sex that won't allow me to sit straight for a couple of days, 'Fuck it' is Brave and careless, when Fuck it steps in sadness goes out of the window, it's the stepping onto the roller coaster for that extra kick, the careless life, the breeze in the hair.
I don't have one good memory of Life after ''Fuck it', today as I was looking at this point I saw that Characters exist in duality as well, 'Fuck' it has an antagonist, it's 'That's It'.
'That's It' steps in after the ravaging of 'Fuck It' is over, to pick up the pieces, 'That's It' takes me out of the rock bottoms of my life, it's a responsible Character, not self responsible, there is no Self in any of the two, One is the Law Breaker, One is the Re-Aligner, both have the system as a guideline, I am nowhere to be seen whenever One of the two is active I am just not Here and mostly not even breathing in and as awareness.
'Fuck it' has had a lot of Air Time in my Life and is a Character I have treasured, the Happy-go-Lucky (to nowhere), the uplifter (from imaginary downs) and generally my Alter Ego, the One that I could always walk after and apologize for, because I was just too ..... whatever to be self responsible for my thoughts, words and deeds, it seems like a Shame to let it go, how will I hide my lack of self responsibility when 'Fuck it' won't be around anymore ?
Today 'Fuck It' showed up for some Air Time, I gave in, together we went on a carbo break and topped it with an ice cream, none of these foods is supportive to me as the physical especially in this moment, it's time to say goodbye and let this Character go, it's an abusive relationship turned sour.
'Fuck It'.

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once
Might just as well
Who cares
Enough is enough
Sometimes you have just go to....
A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)
Forget about it
Moving on

Feelings and Emotions
Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

Will write out the relative Self Forgiveness Tomorrow on the points I have exposed to myself.

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