Day 234: Who is Screwing with my Memories?

I have been on this planet for almost half a century.

But I have only about 1 month worth of memories under my belt, meaning, if I had to sit down and bring up my whole life in as many details as possible, it would take me 1 month, IF I could stretch it that far.

Would that be a Life Not worth remembering?

This point of my faulty memory bank always bothered me, where did my memories go, why can't I recall the totality of my Life in detail, my interactions with others in detail, was there something valuable in that iper-giga-byte package that I dumped somewhere that I should be able to recall, what if there was and if there was why would I let it go. How can I learn from a past I can't recall in detail?

I guess those questions just bothered me up to a certain point in my life, together with others like 'where do I come from' and 'why am I here', my culture didn't offer much support in answering those question, we had God and he had a plan, not that he cared to share it, it was like being employed for a job for which no one received instructions weird to say the least, but everyone seemed to think it was normal and as it was designed, kids soon or later cave in. I did.

I moved easily onto the 'we live multiple lives' vs the one life offered by the Catholics, come on, if I were to live just 1 life I would have great memories to treasure of this 1 unique experience, plus it must take multiple lives to learn a lesson that you don't know what it is, it wold be like going to school and always waiting to be tested on something that everyone was careful to not talk about.

As I picked and chose beliefs to align with, I went with the 'we are here to learn lessons' theory, I read somewhere that the world is divided in just so many types of beliefs to explain our Earthly experience:

The Lesson Theory - this includes reincarnation

The Love of God Theory - this was pretty unbelievable

The 3d Playground- this came later as I embraced the New age beliefs of Love and Light

There was a great list I read and can no longer find, as I asked Google 'Why are we here' I saw that there are 669.000.000 results, do we have as many opinions about 'Why are we here' or has the question been asked so many times, like 10% of the world population or almost everyone who has access to Internet asked this question, I don't know. This number surpasses everything else I have ever searched for, it must be something that bothers us deeply.

For myself, I chose the first theory, the lesson theory and when I used to try and push it on my ex -very scientifical minded- husband, he would argue that noone could be here to learn a lesson from a previous life they could not remember. hard to argue with that, not that I wouldn't try and then conclude with 'you just always look for evidence, why can't you just believe we are all part of a bigger plan?' he would not answer but the reply that always lingered between us was 'because this fucking alleged plan makes no sense at all'.

Today I listened to Anu's Interview no 119 "Memory and the Soul as The Creator Intended", which basically answered all of the above questions -the one of the Why has been explained in many other of his interviews- and 2 main points came up, a first point just plain old fashioned visceral Anger, because it seemed unfair to come here without an Instruction Manual, living on a Planet where everyone was separated from their Mind and the extensive lack of responsibility for it, just to learn from those that went before, making it the perfect closet in which one ass-umed could go and rant and rave and store there all kind of shit, understanding that the line between Good and Evil was just to Not do the things one thought about, looking at the world, wasn't  that fucking good enough?

This was a big point, the point of wanting to just get to some desolated lanes and kick the walls and scream and shake my fists up to Heaven, and it did not go away and I will deal with it through Self Forgiveness here below, but the next point that came up as I suppressed this anger -because it was just not appropriate to display it on public transport and no desolated isolated lanes were in sight-, a second point emerged and was just disheartening and overwhelming and triggered a lot of Shame, the point was that we don't remember because we just can't handle what we have done and how we have, deliberately or by default, impacted each other lives and the consequences we created through the way we lived.

Anu said as well that he thought about allowing humans to see the future to see the consequences of their behaviour so they could change and that humans would respond in 3 ways, one of which was My Way, which was to isolate myself and reduce to a minimum my interactions with others, not because I saw the future, I just saw the looping of my behaviors and simply because didn't know how to stop creating consequences and by a certain point in time forward  I became clear about the point that I was only living consequences and the consequences my interactions with others had, and I feared that I was only able to do that, to move like an elephant in a porcelain shop, damaging everything I came in touch with, even when not intending it, a movement of my tail would do and something would be broken irreparably forever.

In an attempt to release myself from the responsibility of the words I have carelessly spoken or even worse, intentionally, deliberately spoken, to harm, to damage, to hurt, I tried to disown and take a distance from the power, from the substance of my words, I denied that words had any meaning at all, I said and argued that words were just empty vessels that everyone filled with Their Own Crap, and in this I tried to remove any MEAN-ing from the words I spoke, to make them in-substantial hoping that since I could not stop shooting, at least I would, by my own choice, force myself to just shoot blanks and limit the damages that I seemed devoted to pursue.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself trying to remember a specific point, moment, dialogue, interaction and when failing being puzzled and confused about it until I accepted that this happens to all, we just don't remember the details of our lives because it's MEANt to be this way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself being asked by my mother, my grandparents, my friends, my partners 'don't you remember?' and for feeling ashamed and bad about not remembering in full what I had said or done, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was a reason and a bigger plan about why we were here and were supposed to learn lessons suppressing the questions about why if I was supposed to learn a lesson I could not remember which points I was supposed to correct about myself and wasn't that weird

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this was a 3d playground, denying the physical and embracing ideas and beliefs and opinions about it, so I could stop asking myself why there was so much suffering in the world and embrace the idea that we chose our lives, even when this point was clearly not sustainable because I wouldn't choose some of the lives the 'less fortunate' are living on this planet EVER

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to believe in the benevolence of this creation because I believed I could not live with the truth that a world such as this cannot be benevolent and that if I existed in the image and likeness of God I should be as non benevolent as he was and I feared seeing myself as Evil

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there must be a reason for our life on earth and that the reason must be benevolent, even in the face of the majority having a negative experience, just because I could not face the point that there is nothing benevolent either in this creation or in ourselves and that we were living the consequences of something that had gone terribly wrong and that I could not remember and I feared this point of not being able to either remember or work out 'why am I here'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's interview about memory and how it was used and how we were used just like stupid dumb puppets, to feel an extensive all consuming visceral existential anger and then look for reasons to validate it because what was done was unfair and NOT the best way to support us to change at all and for believing I had a RIGHT to my anger I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's explanation of the hows and why and then feel the existential all encompassing visceral anger, to desire to dwell in it because it was a rightful anger regardless of the fact that I am aware that emotions and feelings as reactions mean that I am in fact the very prisoner of the Mind for the creation of which I would still like to blame Anu as I fear I won't be able to face myself as this creation and for this fear I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this Creation because I rather blame than take self responsibility, draw a line on everything that happened and forgive myself and all involved equally and start from here to rebuild a world that I am proud to live in and for having chosen once again blame over self responsibility I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that some anger is just too rightful to not participate in, that if I did not participate in such a righful anger I would be abnormal, subnormal, because anger is the normal response pattern to something that I myself judge as outrageous and unforgivable instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is one of the moments where I choose who do I want to be, a rightfully angry person, which means I am not real as I participate in mind construct which have no relation to the physical world if not for sucking out the life of myself and everyone else, or stop and decide I will not give into this anger because it's just a disempowering failsafe to prevent myself from moving consistently out of the Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to set triggers for anger for myself such as my own judgements of something as 'outrageous and unforgivable' and for judging what Anu did as outrageous and unforgivable so I could move into my 'rightful anger' I forgive myself 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this creation, when in fact The Mind is nothing but a filing cabinet in which everything about my Being-ness has been neatly organized and that I can only stop fighting with my Mind and align with it as we together as a partnership walk out of this mess we created while living life in separation from each other and everything that exists

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the moment of visceral anger take over my body instead of breathing and stopping immediately, go with it, because it was a chance to ride an energy rocket of too much of a magnitude to just be discarded for Breath, and for making my visceral anger more importand and de-light-full than Breath, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I felt the moment of visceral anger coming up, instead of taking responsibility for it and realizing this existed in and as me, to look for an external point I could rightfully project it on, because I could, and within this perpetrating this behaviour of rightful blame because I could I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I listened to the following interview about how we all have to give up what we treasure for this 1 life, to still stand as a point of conflict in my Mind with Anu seeking WHAT did He give up that was important to see if we were giving up things of Same Value, and for -upon hearing he had accepted to do these interviews and walk this process, to think 'NOT ENOUGH' and for thinking 'Do you even realize what fuck up you created down on earth, it is your Duty to fix it' and for not wanting to equally take the same responsibiity and thinking he should give up more than me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw that I was lost into a pattern of anger and rightfulness and retaliation, instead of stopping and breathing myself out of it, to keep going because All those emotions combined felt better than the shame that I felt when I realized the point of memory and why I can't remember the whole details of my life, and for feeling an existential visceral shame that I tried to cover up and blur with all the crap I participated in today and for believing all these emotions to be real, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was creating a life of consequences for myself and all the ones that came in touch with me, to move into guilt, shame and self blame and to attempt to remove myself from existence by embracing isolation, hoping that if I didn't interact with others I could limit the damages that I saw I was doing through My reckless irresponsible participation in and as The Mind in separation from existence and everything that is Here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dwell into the guilt and shame of the life of consequences I created for myself and others, instead of, when I found the tools to correct myself, get on with the self correction letting go of the past that I lived when I did not have the tools to take responsibility for myself and even less for mySelf as the whole, and for believing that I have not suffered enough for what I have done I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace a life of suffering in the hope to even out the books, even now that I see that I can correct myself and for believing that this is not enough and that suffering should be the way to go, and for imposing this suffering on myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard the reason why most of our memories are not available to us, to feel a surge of shame and for realizing that it was true and that even though I had no access to the memories, I accessed the shame of my own behaviour and held on to it in fear that if I let go of the shame, nothing of me as what I have done and what I have existed as would remain, and for fearing to lose myself even in the face of a life unworthy to be lived I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I had access to all the minute details of my interactions with others I would be in such state of dismay that I wouldn't have been able to function and that there was a point of mercy in not making our memories available to us, within the malevolent plan of this creation, but that the point of not remembering the details doesn't exempt me from the responsibility to change, because I don't need the gory details of what I have done so far, I have a pretty clear picture of the overall ad that is good enough to walk my change consistently out of the Mind to stop this separation of mySelf from Self as All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself seeking to retrieve a specific memory, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I need to walk my process is Here as me  and that I have clear access to my reactions as thoughts emotions and feelings and in self honesty I can address them one by one until I stand stable in and as Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into existential anger I stop and Breathe, see realize and understand that when I access anger I have blamed or I am about to blame someone else for where I find myself now and that if I do, I abdicate my ability to respond Here not as a product of my Past but as the Directive Principle of Myself in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to suffer as a way to even out the books, through thoughts, memories, emotions and feelings, one way or another, I stop and breathe, see realize ad understand this is a Character I made up so I could feel good about myself for imposing on me the same suffering I believed I had been responsible for and that a Character has no power to change because it's  just one of my Powerless Creations to distract myself from the consistency required to walk myself into stability and an honorable life that works for mySelf as Self as a whole, once and for All

I commit myself to let go of the past and to stop looking for my missing memories as the reason why I can't change, I see realize and understand that what I need to walk as change is Here as me and that memories are not the support I need to change nor are they the key to change, I Am the Key to Self change and I can walk this change one breath at the time back into realignment to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 145 - Embracing Change
• 102 - Relationships = Relate-to-Self
• Day 248: Learned Helplessness Character - The Driving Force of a Hidden Agenda

Day 150: Heaven Can't Wait

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a resistance to the truth of Our Creation because I don't want to hear or read something that doesn't make me feel good about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good/positive about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a resistance within me regarding the word 'robot' because I have judged robot to be less than humans

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am less than a robot because I have not been able to program myself for what is best for all but just for what is best for me within self interest in fear and separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the word 'robot' applied to humans because robots are not alive and I want to hold on to the illusion that I am alive and not ali(v)e

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, whenever I sit down to read Heaven's Journey to Life, to desire to fiddle, get up and do something else, without wanting to notice the discomfort I feel every time I push myself to read, hoping that the discomfort would go away by itself and not having to face that I in fact hate facing the reality of what we have become which in my Mind is diminished to a machine like existence and not even a good one at that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach Heaven's Blogs as everything else I do, hoping that the discomfort will go away, denying that I feel discomfort and ultimately Suppressing the discomfort, because I don't see a common sense reason for my discomfort as I judge it as 'not logical' and I don't want to put in the time to look what is it that I have created that now has me kicking and screaming through the process of reading, but instead push for the kicking and screaming in the face of my discomfort just so as to not address how I experience myself in diminishment and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I read Heaven's blogs regarding the utter cruelty of this creation and for feeling angry that no one else shows the same resistance but gratitude, which seems to me as the Mind so fucking misplaced  because being led out of this mess is the very fucking least that the Creator should do for us, given that we have not come with an instruction manual or any sort of awareness of what it was that we were creating and how

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this Creation and the Creators and for not caring that it was the Atlanteans or the Reptilians or the Blueberry Muffins that got us where we are, and that I find disgusting that there was no awareness to start with regarding where this path was going to lead us in such a world and I want to blame them for where we are and hold on to my righteousness of 'you got us here now you get us out of here'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame the creators of this existence and for wishing that they were forced into it to experience what is it like to be stuck into a Mind Consciousness System and if they would be so cool and dandy then about being willing to swap places from where they have an overview of everything and how everything works, to the encaging of ourselves into thoughts, feelings and emotions that we are just starting to grasp that we can decide if we want to participate with or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'they have it sweet' from up there in the clouds giving interviews on the hows and whys and for wanting them to pay for what they did, because we are not toys that could be created, wound up and set about a world just to produce energy for Heaven and there should not be any gratitude for this process because it is owed to us as part of each one taking responsibility for the fuck ups and getting us out of here and out of the delusion of separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that those that do something that I judge as 'wrong' should 'pay' for it, which is what plays out at the moment into our imaginary Justice System, where through opinions that we call Laws some get to pay for their imaginary wrongdoings and we all get to feel safer and happier about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to kick Anu through the Heavens until I won't feel this rage anymore but that we have proficiently squared the books

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to use logic to overcome my feelings and thoughts about this Creation, without seeing and realizing that my logic is not common sensical at the moment but a product of my mind, in which I will always desire to find the wrongs and right them, because as a Mind I live in and as polarity, and that until I live within the box of my own mind regarding this Creation point I won't be able to see the solution as me but only me as the problem and someone else as the solution to me as the problem

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that if I kept pushing all this would go away and I would not have to face this existential rage for this creation and the disgust for what it turned out to be, instead of facing my rage and take responsibility for it so I can clear it and move on through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at this/my creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame another for this creation and within this I forgive myself that, through this simple act of blaming, I give my power away for myself as this Creation as I state that I am not response-able for it because it's someone else's mess and They should be the ones doing the cleaning up and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my power to the desire to not be responsible just because I no longer remember how I got here, and yet when I can walk myself through the 'how I got here' I don't want to, I resist it, because when I do walk the hows and I am then faced with the Truth of me and my responsibility for this creation I will no longer be able to blame it on another and I will have to stand absolute as a point that needs to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I don't remember how I got here, this is enough to not make me responsible as I associate responsibility with knowledge and then with blame and then guilt and shame, instead of seeing self response -ability for what it is, not an emotion but a standing as a piece of this puzzle that decided to realign to oneness and equality and what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I did not have the same 'yeah, Heaven's Blogs' of the rest of the group as I compared my participation to the participation of others and judged myself as less and bad, because of my resistances and stubborn unwillingness to look at them, instead of just facing the point and realigning myself to the benefits that this information is giving us to clear the fog and support our process of equalization to existence as One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up ideas about what I can expose as something that I as the Mind criticize and what I cannot criticize within the group because I fear that some things are not up for being questioned and so my feelings and thoughts are not valid and have to be suppressed, instead of seeing and realizing my thoughts and feelings are showing me who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and there cannot be anything that is off limits as I walk my path to realignment or, like in this case, I postpone taking on a topic because of my own judgements about it, and then I have to drag myself through a task that I have seen as important just because I was unwilling to clear myself through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I am unable to grasp Heaven's blog because my mind wanders many times through it, instead of seeing and realizing, my mind wandered because I allowed myself to pile up thoughts and emotions that distracted me that I did not clear up and that stood between me and the understanding of what was written in very clear terms for everyone to grasp, including myself

I commit myself to stop my existence as existential rage for this Creation as I see, realize and understand Rage comes up when I believe I am not in charge and therefore I "charge", instead I see realize and understand I am in charge of how I experience myself and the world around me and this includes Heaven's blogs

I commit myself to breathe through Heaven's blogs and be consistent in my readings so as to not pile up material that I then want to rush through to catch up and be up to date

I commit myself to, if and  as I see my mind start to wander, offering thoughts as diversion, to stop and breathe, keep reading without accepting the diversion so that I can read it once effectively and not 10 times to manage to align myself to the content which I could have gotten the first time without distractions

I commit myself to stop my fear of knowing the truth about me/Us and this Creation, because when I fear I am not Here and when I am not Here I cannot Hear what I read effectively.

Related articles

• Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven
• Thoughts: Pixels of the Screen of the Mind - Part 1: DAY 145
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 2: DAY 148
• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• The Mind System's Unconscious/Subconscious Mind Relationship - Part 1: DAY 159
• Day 148: Swopping Places
• Day 79: Blame Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 119: Suppression Character Self forgiveness statements
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF
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Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven

As we write our Journey to Life Blogs, Creation, Earth and Heaven are writing their as well.

How do I experience myself within reading those Blogs?

When I read Earth's Journey to Life blogs, I just see common sense, sometimes I react, mainly when I want to say things like 'come on, this is not important, with the kind of mess we are in, this is menial' but I can work those feelings and emotion out and go back to the Blog consistently as I have seen how supportive it has been to open up Characters for myself.

When I read Creation's Journey to Life, I have ups and downs, basically like when I read Earth's but more accentuated, and I experience myself as on a continuous ride as what I believed I had grasped the day before I have to question again today in relation to another point, so I would say destabilizing but again, like when I get a painful massage, that kind of sour pain that I know 'it's good for me'

Then comes Heaven, I definitely don't want to go to Heaven!

So I decided to look at why when I sit down to read Heaven's Blogs I have so much resistance coming up, even though I find them very interesting, the ones I can understand and where I don't lose myself in word loops, I have tried talking to myself about it and reminding myself how much I enjoy them once I start reading, and yet, when I sit down, I fiddle, then I want to read the news first, then have a glass of water and spend 1 hour in the kitchen and some evenings I do so much that I manage to successfully forget to read them just to pile them up, with the anxiety that goes with 'being behind' to then have a marathon to bring myself up to date.

So what is it that I resist about Heaven's Blogs?

One point that I have seen clearly with Eqafe Material as well is that I resist anything that spells out that I am a robot and tries to explain the in depth mechanics of how we function.

I find this news to be the hardest I had to swallow since joining Desteni, not because I have in any way a doubt that I am not, just because there is a part of this Creation story that I find horrifying, terrible, scary and if possible I don't want to know about it, I don't want the gory details of how machine-like we have become because I secretly treasure all my other beliefs about how 'special we are' and that we were created by a loving and benevolent God and the gap between my previous knowledge and this information is so wide that when I attempt to close it I fear to fall into the crack to just never come back.

I have done the traditional cracking at the beginning, the shock and the trauma and then I began to be scared of being traumatised again, not knowing how much more trauma can I take in one life about myself and who I am as looking at myself as a machine is Not Cool and doesn't make me feel good about myself, in fact it makes me feel like shit, even though I came to this path by logic in a way, having seen humanity on an automated path and patterns of self destruction, automated like in automaton such as robotic, without tools for Self correction that I only found trough Desteni.

So basically, I don't want to go to Heaven, because Hell as where I am and what I know seems better, seems safer, and because every time I read one of these blogs the first thoughts that come up is the utter cruelty of this creation and the utter disrespect for Humanity as I see the suffering that yes, may be self inflicted, but we did not come here with an instruction manual and so what I don't want to face in Heaven's blog is the anger that I feel, the desire to kick down walls and shake the Creators while I shout 'how the fuck comes you could not see where all this was leading, you omnipotent, omniscient God of my Ass?' and guess what? Back to square one and the Righteousness of the Atlanteans, still holding the fucking grudge for having ended up here at the bottle neck of creation, the ''I' of the Needle to just have to walk back the whole Creation up to point Zero and face the truth, Creator, Creation and Created as One and Equal.

Tomorrow I Will walk my self forgiveness for the existential rage and the desire to not face the point that we are walking the consequences of what we set in motion while we were not self responsible Creators from the starting point of Oneness and Equality as What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103
• Sub-Personality Backchat Creation - Part 2: DAY 122
• Character Resonance Evolution - Part 2: DAY 126
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• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
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Day 102: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Self Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stop my existence as the 'Italian beauty Judge' Character, to stop believing that due to my Nationality I have special rights and exclusivity on Beauty ideas, opinions and con-cepts that I have a duty to pass on to others, spreading my own enslavement like a disease onto the new generations as beliefs and con-cepts for which I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to take back my own Value as the investments I have made into Beauty and the Beauty Industry while looking for my own Value/ Worth, in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth

I commit myself to give up the belief that Beauty is a Value and to dig into this Character as The Beauty Supporter to see where and how I started to believe in the Value of Beauty so I can delete my energetic attachments through self forgiveness and correct myself as the Directive Principle of me, to stand as Self Correction here in and as Breath to no longer be run in automatic by Beauty Constructs

I commit myself to forgive myself for my judgements about Beauty and what is beautiful and what is not, as I see realize and understand, that Beauty is a Desire and a Trap, that Beauty has not added anything of value to this world except for testimonials of the price/prize we have been willing to pay for Beauty, all the way to Human Lives as in all the ones that died in building symbols of a Beauty that we were taught to appreciate and value disregarding the Lives that disappeared into such ludicrous pompous efforts to build what would outlast us as the worship of nothingness.

I commit myself to stop my participation in unexpressed comparison Beauty contests in which I use Beauty to make myself more than others, using Beauty as the wedge that divides the world in Beautiful and Ugly, denying each other the Equal Right to Life as we uphold beliefs in and as separation from each other as Images of ourselves and not ourselves as Life as All of Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop my energetic reactions to comments about Beauty and Ugliness, to anything that is Picture related and supports the Image of ourselves vs the Substance of Ourselves

I commit myself to no longer invest in Beauty as a Value System and when and if I have to walk the Character of 'system acceptability' I won't invest anything of me and remind myself it is just a Character that I play as an Image Acceptable Character, until we bring on a system that dignifies Life and not the Image of Life that supports All Equally from Birth to Death

I commit myself to stop feeling guilty for the Image of me, as I did not choose how to look or the lenght of my legs as I was genetically engineered to play as a Character in which I stepped in and accepted and allowed myself to believe this Character as the Image of me to be me, and to abandon any idea of Beauty as Merit, that we have deserved it and some did not, that we have earned our physical appearance due to previous past lives in which we were good, while some were bad, as I see this is all nonsense to justify why some have a right to have more than others within a Value system as the Beauty System, and that any system of Value I support above Life, gives my implicit permission for the Value system of Money to exist One and Equal as a system of Value in separation from me/ourselves to abuse Life

I commit myself to see through all the layers of self deception as beauty, as something that I have used to cover up what I believed was too ugly to look at, which was this world as our Creation, where we allow other beings to suffer and deliberately make some beings such as animals the preys of our experiments for our ultimate pursuit of Happiness as Beauty as Value

I commit myself to stop believing that the ones that are considered system Ugly have less value than the ones considered system Beautiful/Pretty, as I see realize and understand we have created just another way to play the comparison and moreness game, while we lost ourselves into a Character game that we now have to walk backward to return to Life Here in and as Breath for ourselves and What is Best for All, Equal and One

Day 85: If God is my Shepard, am I a Sheep ?

Self Commitment Statement form previous post 'God is My Daddy'

I commit myself to stop my desires to be cared for as that would imply I need a caretaker and from there to God the step is small as I give away my responsibility to care for myself in and as self responsibility for myself and All, Equal and One

I commit myself to remind myself that when I desire to have someone bigger and more competent than me to care for me and my Life, such as a God/Universe, what I am actually accepting is that I am in fact NOT big enough or competent enough to care for myself as the Creator of my reality and I do not need to be Self Responsible for myself and the Whole as One, because I am just a small insignificant part of it, instead of seeing and realizing I can take care of myself standing in and as Self Honesty and Self responsibility, breathing myself back Here consistently and out of the Mind in which I am just the Creator of my own Characters and Delusions of Separation

I commit myself to stop my existence as the sheep Character that follows the lead of a Benevolent God/Universe, instead of learning to care and lead myself in Self Honesty through Self Directive principle as Life and What is Best for ALL

I commit myself to remind myself that any question or point such as 'I will be shown, get a clue, see the path' implies that I am not the Self Directive principle of myself but that I am relying on external 'signs' to tell me what to do and show me a direction, and that I am not seeking to be led by my own Self Created Characters who have shown to be the source of My Insanity leading me on Merry Go Rounds to nowhere for which I don't need to take responsibility, instead I commit myself to stand as self honesty as self directive principle for myself as Life and What is best for All

I commit myself to learn what Self Responsibility for myself and All means, facing the fact that I have never been self responsible but the opposite, following an imaginary God/Creator/Universe leading the way like an Imaginary sheep with the sole purpose to offload the responsibility for myself if something turned sour instead of living a Self responsible Life realizing my Oneness with All and the Consequences of my existence of separation

I commit myself to stop the Creation and the Support of Characters of Higher Being in and as me as the Mind, through my desires for not having to take care of myself and become a Self responsible Human being, seeing that what in fact I have always desired was for me to take responsibility for me, to stand as a self responsible human being for myself and All of existence Equal and One

I commit myself to show others what I myself realized, that we hold on to God/Higher Beings/Universe because we FEAR existence and ourselves and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become and believed that having someone bigger and More Powerful in Charge would not be such a bad idea, yet this very belief is the abdication of our power to change and care for ourselves and others as One as Equal and that if we work on letting go and healing ourselves from our own self created fears, I/we can let go God and the Universe as my/our Guardians and Shepherds as I/we become Self Directive in re-aligning myself/ourselves to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to stop being a Sheep seeing realizing and understanding that as a Sheep I am part of the problem of the misled by our own Self Created God and Universe as the escuse to fuck up and not be Self responsible and not part of the solution as a Principled living Human Being standing for and as Life while walking my own correction and realignment to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my life of Fear of the Darkness of Me as Me,  which created my eternal searching for the Light, failing to see I myself created the Light as I separated from Who I really was as Darkness, fearing myself as separation from myself as the Whole and What I was willing to do to support the existence of myself as Energy fueled Imaginary Characters of my own creation, and I now stand to stop the existence of Me as Characters as the More of Me seeking for Energy as the More of Here, to see that I am All There Is, Here beyond the Characters that I mistook for Life and Living, failing to see that I was in fact consuming myself as Life which is Real for the Illusory trips of Energy which are Not real

I commit myself to Life for All as Me and to birthing myself as Life into the physical as the Creator of myself and existence, Equal and One

Day 84: God is My Daddy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there was some Higher Being who had a plan that we could not understand, giving up my right and ability to see and realize how did we end up here from the start and creating unnecessary resistances to seeing what is really going on, since I accepted the thought and belief that some things cannot be understood and lived it out as Me as a Character that 'did not know or understand what is going on in existence'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the existence of a Higher Being so I would not have to take responsibility for this creation as My Creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if we are God’s Children that this is who we are, Children and we leave this world in the hands of Children to manage without any sense of what self responsibility means as we believe Children are not self responsible, it comes with 'age'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the past fear discarding God as my Daddy because if and when I did I would have to stand up and become a Self responsible Human being who cared for myself and the whole Equally, while it was better to leave it all up to God

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it was better to leave everything in the Hands of God, when I could see clearly that either God had washed his hands from Creation, Like Pontio Pilate or he was dead, given the state of the world, yet the belief in God was more reassuring that seeing/realizing and understanding that I was the God of this Creation together with the rest of Humanity and that we would have to stand and become the Change we wanted to see in the World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that God could see our hearts and our best intentions at all times, which meant that it did not matter what I thought and how I experienced myself and how I participated in the world as long as I could state I had good intentions and a good heart and I was safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the Last Rite as an act of Mercy from God and a cheat at the same time, but kept it in Mind as one never knows on my death Bed I may call upon that Rite of the Last Right to be forgiven for my existence on Earth and everything I have done and participated with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Wrath of God, because from the Bible stories he did not seem a very understanding Creator or a forgiving one given what he set in motion because of an Apple and Eve, and for not wanting to give up this fear because if I feared God I was sure He Existed as My Fear was The Proof of the existence of God and then He was The One responsible for This Creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be forgiven, accepting and allowing myself to believe that someone else should for-give me and then I made up the need to create someone else that could forgive me and had to create someone who was more powerful than me because I apparently was not 'good enough' to forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire mercy the Mercy that I was not willing to give to myself through self forgiveness because I was not good enough, so I created a God that was better than me and mor Merciful to take on the task to give Mercy to me for what I have done in and as separation from myself and All that exists, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was a sinner and I could not change I better have a God to keep me in line so God could tell me what was good and what was bad, because I was apparently unable to determine by myself that abusing myself and others was unacceptable, unless God told me, a God that was better than me and more powerful and All Seeing, while I used the justification of my faultiness and sinner-like nature to justify my existence of abuse, that could be later down the line be forgiven by the Good God I myself created 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not good enough to forgive myself and to give myself the same mercy that I wished for myself and others, but I would not give it to myself and others through forgiveness, which I now give unconditionally to myself and others, absolutely, as the absolution for our past that is Past and no longer what can define us Here, so we may stand as The Change that can come from our absolute Self Forgiveness and script a New World for ourselves and existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept God as my Sugar Daddy to which I could turn when things were by my own definition bitter, meaning not satisfying to one of the Characters that I was embodying, or beyond my comprehension, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that I was the one who put myself in a position of not being able to see and realize what was going on by accepting that ‘God must have a plan that we may not be able to understand sometimes’ because it was better than seeing that if there was ever a plan to this creation it was Evil in nature and I did not want to face the Evil of a Creation of Polarity in which some get it all and some go with nothing, as the Evil of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that ‘this is a Valley Of Tears and that we are born to Suffer but great rewards are waiting for us After Death’ and not question the Nature of God as Creator, desiring his children to be born to suffer for a greater reward, setting up for myself through my Creation the reward system we live by that we call Consumerism without seeing realizing or understanding that I treasured this belief because at least the suffering and the tears had an existential context I myself created for a Reward that we would get in the AfterLife and that was a good enough distraction for me from this existence and what was going on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch Character from a believer in God, when I could no longer uphold such comic beliefs to a believer in the Universe, failing to see I had just upgraded God and my Character to a more palatable and acceptable Creation/Creator, trying to remove from my head the image of a man Look alike figure sitting on the clouds somewhere watching while Humanity went to pieces

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the trashing of my memories of the beliefs in a Benevolent Universe, because a lot of me was invested into the Spiritual World where all was Good and lovy dovy and Rosy, failing to see that unless I uproot from within me all the images and memories of a ‘better time’ in which I felt the comfort of being cared for by a Higher being I won’t become an effective Self Responsible Human Being by my own choice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see the extensive dis-empowerment taught by the Law of Attraction and Abraham Hicks, in which the main belief is that I can ‘attract’ to me something that someone else as the Universe has set up to create on my behalf, through the desires of my Characters which are NOT Real and how even Law of Attraction was just a way to move and upgrade God/Creator/Universe to something that offered a better reward system, like changing my phone service provider, and failing to see that it was me all the time deciding and voting for these Characters to exist so I could join Their delusional boat, make it Mine and make Our Joint Creations more Real so I would not have to face myself as the Creator and All There Is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Aloneness of Existence without a Creator which I made up so I would not have to feel so lonely at times, failing to see that Aloneness was my creation too, in which I felt the separation from Me as All There Is into Energy and Substance and relationships that I powered with the energy from me as the substance from which I had separated to the extent that I was unaware of how I was in fact Creating everything that exists while I feared the Aloneness of Me in separation from the ALL-Oneness of Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to believe in someone/something that cared effectively for me because I was not taking proper care of myself and I wished to delegate the caring of myself and everything that I created as Creator to God/Daddy/Creator so I could go on playing and having fun while the world around me rot to pieces leaving the responsibility to Daddy as I was just a Child of God

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I realized that I created God to make him responsible for my ow Creation, failing to see that by giving up my Self Responsibility for Creation I became less than my own ideas and beliefs of a God that I myself created to be More than me, which is quite ridiculous yet as a Creator I have the power to Create whatever I want, even my Own Master to make Myself The Slave

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that unless I made a decision about Who I Am as the Creator or the Slave of Existence, I could not even move forward because Earth has been our Self responsibility training ground, in which we either become Self Responsible Creators, own up to what we did and start cleaning up the mess, or we won’t be allowed in this playground anymore because we clearly pose a risk to ourselves and others when, as our Creation, we desire to be the Slave with Masters and then create a world of Slaves and Masters, just because we don’t want to stand up and take Self Responsibility as Creators and clean up the mess to then realign to Oneness and equality and who we really are as Life and ReCreate together as One from our New starting Point What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that whatever thought I entertain about Creation and Creator as something that has nothing to do with me, which can be any God or the Universe or an external power in separation from me, that I make up to be more than me, I in fact, by my own decision and Creation, remove myself from the decision table of Creators that Matter as to saying how this world must be organized and shared, and that no one has taken away my power but that I have willingly given it up together with my Self Responsibility so I wouldn’t have to face the Shame for what I did in and separation from Self to myself and existence Equal and One

Tomorrow will follow up with Self Commitment Statements

Day 80: The "I make people suffer" Character

This Character originated in childhood, when I connected my mother's emotional and feeling response to my presence and my Beingness as the cause of her suffering.

I then went on using this Character because the idea and belief that I can in fact 'make others suffer' made me feel powerful, superior and above them.

This Character has a polarity, I can make people suffer or 'Grace them' both ways I am aware of the perceived potential to affect other people emotions and feelings, both ways I get to feel more than others, either by my power to make them suffer, through clever remarks and nasty comments always concealed as 'humor' or through NOT doing so, when I clearly saw an opportunity and I willingly gave it up so I could feel good about myself for Gracing them.

The interesting thing about this Character is that since it originated from guilt and self judgement it seeks guilt and self judgement in others, as if it could level the Field somehow of its own perceived inadequacies because when everyone is finally exposed for 'who and what they are' I get to re-experience both the guilt and self judgement, but I share it with someone else, or so I perceive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause and the origin of my mother emotional and feeling response when I was a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for how others perceived themselves as this led me to give away my own self responsibility for how I perceived myself and I made others responsible, faulty and guilty of what went on inside of me when around and interacting with them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of my mother emotional and feeling response to me as a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the cause of my mother's emotional and feeling response as a Child, because if I were, that would mean 'she cared for me /about me' because only those that we care about can hurt/harm us and that meant I was close to her and she was close to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that one day she would no longer be hurt by my presence or what I said would lose its impact on her, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my grip on the emotional and feeling response of my mother because that would mean she no longer cared for me/about me and that we had grown apart since I have accepted and allowed myself to associate closeness to someone to the ability to make them suffer/harm them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about seeing this point within me because this point drags along a string of moments in my Life in which I sought and desired to make someone suffer/harm them to be sure that they in fact cared for me/about me because I did not know how else to be sure about their caring for me/about me, unless they suffered in my presence if and when I decided to exercise my perceived power to make them suffer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expose and subject my partners to this game in which I sought to make them suffer/harm them through jealousy or carelessness or grudges or nasty remarks, so I could check through their emotional response if they did in fact care about me/for me, believing that I could always fix it afterward once I had my energy fix of feeling important and powerful no matter the damage or the harm I had to inflict on someone to make myself feel good and cared for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could in fact harm others by eliciting reactive responses within them as if I were the cause or the origin of their reaction, failing to see that I was only playing this game within my mind, using triggers that I had identified within them, weaknesses that were already existing as their reactive points and that did not define my ability to harm or damage someone but my ability to seek out points of reactiveness for my own self interest within their perceived diminishment of themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as BAD, for having developed such a Character that sought the suffering of others for its own validation and existence as important and all powerful, failing to see that I have been Role playing with other Characters for the purpose of moving myself into emotions and feelings so I would get to feel Alive, it didn't matter on which end of the spectrum of Good or Bad as long as the Intensity as an energetic Charge was there for me to feed on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the memory of the first time I realized my  mother's reactions were dependent on me and what I did and how I behaved, which was the first time she shouted at me exiting primary school for having been told that I 'could have done more, that I was so clever but never applying myself fully' and so I connected my not applying myself fully to a display of interest in another for me, which even if it took the form of anger and shouting was better than not being noticed or validated and confirmed that I in fact existed and was alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this memory of my mum shouting at me for the first time, in public, outside school, in a place where I could be exposed for not having been good and having pleased my mother with all the sacrifices she did to send me to a private Catholic school, that sent me into fear and shame and a feeling of a cracking inside as if I split into two, was a Reaction that connected with that moment imprinted a memory on which I built a whole Character as the 'One that makes people suffer', even though I did not believe this to be true but I then embodied this character because together with the shame and the guilt and the fear, I felt energy moving and I felt alive and I held on to this desire for aliveness however and wherever I could get it, no matter how upset I would have to get others to get an intense energy feedback and re-experience the aliveness of fear and guilt and shame at the maximum voltage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to that one moment in my Life, failing to realize that I had just imprinted myself with a memory of a moment during which I had not been an effective solution or stood One and Equal to myself as my physical body to see and understand what was going on within me, instead I sought to suppress this experience due to the guilt and the shame and the fear I felt and believed to be me as who I really Am and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect that one moment to fear and shame and guilt and for believing those emotions to be who I really Am, instead of realizing it was just a movement of energy and I am not defined by Energy or Energy movements unless I accept and allow myself to define myself as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace sentences like 'hurt people hurt people' or 'who has been damaged is dangerous because they know they can survive' as reminders and re-inforcers of that one memory of a moment in which I perceived myself as having been hurt and damaged by my mother through the emotions I felt and believed were caused by her, not seeing and realizing I was the one creating those emotions inside of me out of the fear of NOT having pleased by mother and that now I was in danger for my own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not pleasing my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop subCharacters of this one Main Character that expressed in demonic writings, on which I unleashed all my suppressed emotions and blamed them on others, making them responsible for how I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself within my own self created reactions, and for spending a lot of time apologizing afterward, seeking the for-giveness of others for my thoughts/Words and deeds, hoping to be Graced because I had Graced them many times when I had not leashed out on them and made them responsible before that one moment for 'everything they put me through' and I had the right to be for-given for this one time in which I lost it and went Postal on them, yet what I always sought was my own Self-Forgiveness which I would not grant to myself because I judged my thoughts, words and deeds as unforgivable once the demonic rush was over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for ways to make myself right and justify why I was entitled to my own demonic possession which I believed and percieved were caused by imaginary harms that 'others put me through', failing to see I could never for-give myself what I would not own and take responsibility for because if I was NOT responsible I could not be for-given

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I craved and desired the for-giveness of others after I acted out this demonic energy possession and failed to see that I always desired and craved my own self forgiveness and my own standing as the Self Correction to make sure I would not give in to demonic possession ever again, no matter how righteous and Alive they made me feel while I allowed myself to be possessed and within this I FORGIVE MYSELF for who I have been as an Evil Character within the Play of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own Survival and for accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in a world where the survival of All is not Equally guaranteed but always dependent on 'something' external such as parents first and then a job and relationships, failing to see that such a set up would be a guarantee that all of us/me would have to compromise ourselves/me as Life to make sure we/me could reduce our Fears of survival to a minimum while trampling others on our way to safety, no matter what it took

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hold on to this Character as a form of self punishment that displays that I am Noble at heart because I can see my faults and won't dismiss them so easily, and within this create a Character that is judgmental and not forgiving of myself and others because I keep tabs of what goes on, of my expression and that of others, trying to keep the books squared and when always failing short, making up stories about why and how I came to lie and compromise myself and others so I could sustain the existence of some of my Characters while embodying others as cover ups of righteousness which were not real as much as the faulty ones were not ever Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this Character of 'having been harmed and damaged' as an excuse and justification about why I harmed and damaged others', failing to see that there were no others but Me, harming and damaging me in senseless loops of stupidity that I kept in place so as to never uncover the truth that none of my Characters were real but that in the process of creating Characters I perceived I had lost my self so much as I had con-vinced everyone including me that I was in fact those Characters and now I did not know how to go back to Authenticity or what it even meant as I had forgot to remember that there was nothing TO DO to become Authentic, or I would create another Character who was 'Authentic' in separation from myself, but to bring myself back Here in and as Breath, where I do not have to remember how to be Life because Life is Here and has always been Here while I was the one busying myself somewhere else within my Characters Creation

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the 'I harm people' Character or the precursor which is 'I have been harmed/damaged', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am none of these Characters as they live off memories and as such they are not Life, I bring myself back Here through breathing and stop my participation in and as a Character and Character Creation

I commit myself to become aware of all the Characters I embody so I may STOP the existence of me as a Character, becoming the Care taker of myself until I stop the existence of me as madness and delusions and nothing of what I have created that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is best for ALL exists anymore but Life as Breath Here, One and Equal for All