Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest



Imagination Dimension

Me having Money to be able to leave
Me already grown up and living alone

Emotion and Feelings Reactions

Emotions of Anger/Rage

Overwhelming Sadness, Pain

Suppression of the sadness and rage so as to not give her 'the satisfaction' of having made me suffer like I perceived she wanted to

Fear I would not be able to suppress with 'dignity' and would expose myself as the hurt longing kid that I really was
Feelings of Relief when playing out the plot of myself 'leaving'
Feelings of Joy connected to the Imagination Dimension of 'living alone'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself having Money and being Able to leave, connecting Money to what I believed Freedom was and the Freedom I perceived I lack to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being Free as having Money, because as I accepted and allowed such definition in and as me, when I have no Money I perceive myself as Not Free and for tying myself down and constricting myself in and as an idea I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through Imagination to design an alternate reality in which I was already grown up and out of my mother's claws and within this Imagined Reality I had the Life I wanted which at the time was simply 'away from my mother'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my Imagination as a form of Spite, during which I would create Imaginary circumstances that I used to hold against my mother with thoughts such as 'You'll see, You'll miss me one day', not seeing realizing and understanding I was creating a Character of Spite that would always enact the same script when I would feel challenged or when I would take something someone said about me personally and then, unable to live with what I believed to be the reflection of me for real and not a projection of who made up ideas and beliefs about me and then voiced them as 'You are', and for my believing that I either was that or that I myself feared to be that, perceiving my space now contaminated by those words that had been spoken about me and desired to leave, erase my steps and leave everything behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel rage and sadness when I feared that I was not wanted, not appreciated and in fear of showing this rage and sadness in a moment when my "stock" was already at its lowest, to suppress myself and decide that I would never show this as further ammunition to be shot with, I would suppress, failing to see I was the one making up judgements about myself as unwanted and unappreciated through taking things people spoke about me personally, seeking what was 'the real meaning' behind the words they used, since I got it early, that words never meant what they appeared to mean, and in this seeking, I would look for the negative slant, as this was a family heirloom we passed on to each other, seeking the Achilles heel in any speech, building up ammo for when the wars will break out without notice, staying alert, awake, and through the perception that my mother shot me in the heart several times already, blaming the hurt I felt on her, I resolved to never trust anybody


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never trust anybody because I did not trust myself and what I was willing to do to not lose out, to come out on top so I wouldn't have to experience myself 'negatively' but have someone else the loser of the verbal wars and have to experience themselves negatively while I could experience myself positively as in 'I am/was right'


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own expression of sadness and rage, judging myself as unlikeable, trying to align to what was the likable side everyone seemed to be after, the monkey jumping number I was required to do every day that would ensure my survival within the system and everyone around me to be just happy with the circumstances and with me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of myself on a bus with my stepgrandma, in which I saw myself deliberately use the 'baby talk' because that's about when she stopped liking children, when they spoke normally, like adults, and since I noticed how she preferred children who were still children in their talk -to me- while my mother taught me to speak proper Italian as a child and not gluglu for water, I instead decided that her approval and acceptance of me was more important than me being me and not resulting into diminishing myself into the garbled idiotic language we teach to children to amuse ourselves, and in that moment I felt sorrow, for myself, for my unauthenticity failing to realize that the more I complied to what I perceived were the system, relatives requirements 'to like me' the further I moved away from myself and my own self acceptance and self expression until I believed that the acceptance of others was more important than the unconditional acceptance of me, Here in every moment of Breath, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in fear of exposing myself as a hurt kid, fearing that if anyone understood exactly how to hurt me, they would do so deliberately, as this was a family pattern in which we sought WHAT would really annoy someone and then go for it and so the trick was to not let ANYONE know what bothered me or what really hurt me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could be hurt just because I believed I read the intention to hurt and harm into the words of people around me, when in fact what I read was my own desire to hurt and harm others through words spoken aloud or in my secret mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word dignity to suppression, meaning that I could only access my own dignity if no one EVER knew what was going on inside of me, which was less than dignified, such as thoughts, emotions and feelings and as such, move into suppression seeking dignity for myself instead of stopping my participation in and as the Mind which was in fact the Undignified part of my existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would find relief from myself and from how I experienced myself once I moved away from home and my mother's claws, based on my imagination of that moment in which I would be alone and as such not stimulated into reactions of any sort and as such FINE, instead of questioning why I had reactions within me that I blamed on others just because they blamed their reactions on me and within that failing to see that I would take me and my own reactions and triggers wherever I went in the world and that Imagination never delivered and as such I should have defined it as non trustworthy nor real and stopped my participation in it as a source of distraction from what was going on within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the joy of being free through my Imagination, away from home and my mother, having connected the word freedom to not being prompted into Characters to please or to hide or to suppress, blaming the experience of myself on others as I lacked the tools to see that it was me doing what I ended up experiencing and that the freedom I sought was the freedom from the Mind, the cage I perceived myself living in that I could not understand how it came about and how to manage until I started using the Desteni Tools.


I commit myself to stop using my Imagination to distract myself from an experience of myself, because it is in moments of discomfort that I can see a point of polarity coming up that is causing friction inside of me and release myself from it for good through writing, Sf and SC

I commit myself to remind myself that even though I have accepted and allowed myself to become what I have become through engaging in the Mind and believing the Mind to be me as who I really am, that this is not all I am and that I can move out of my own accepted and allowed definitions of myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings and walk myself to stability as I can redesign myself in every moment of Breath through a process of accumulation, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, One Breath at the time.

Related articles

• Day 149: You hurt my feelings character
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 105: Human Liberties

Day 112: 'I love you This Much' Character, SF and SCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel FEAR every time someone asked me 'how much do you love XXXX(Me), Dear?', and for feeling bad because I was not yet able to generate the 'Love' feeling as in something that felt good and safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Love questions in relation to Quantity, as when I was asked to specify How Much and show it in a visual manner, as clearly I could not show the World or the Universe with my hands and arms outstretched, I feared that the Quantity I was about to display would Not Be Enough to secure my livelihood and a 'loving environment' which translated in a place where I was allowed to stay, sleep, be clothed and be fed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disloyal when I told the same things to 2 different grandparents, as it was clear that I was supposed to prefer one/love one above the other, and so my display of love should be This Much for One and a Little Less for the Other and Not The Same, because if I made them the Same within the Love Visual display of my affection I was for sure disloyal and a liar to both, where instead of standing and saying I love the other grandma more, first because she is a blood relative and you are not and blood is thicker than water, second because I get more stuff off of her than off of you, yet I pretended to love them all Equally because it would have been unbecoming to come out and speak such truth in relation to LOVE as a Reward System as the first layout of Capitalism (with Love as Value/Worth being the Capital) within the Family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Blood is thicker than water, as that is the Foundation of our Con-cept of Inequality, where the Family guarantees its specialness with the children and that the System won't Change because there is Us vs Them, Us meaning the FamiLie and then The Rest of the World, instead of realizing we are All Equals and that Blood is just another way to justify why we are not and why we have to Stick to this Bloody System as It IS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the moments of intimacy and Aloneness with my blood grandmother as I knew she could use those moments to ask me the Love questions that would make me feel disloyal to my mother as well, because I related loving to stuff I got and the permission to do everything I wanted, which I did not have from my mother, and then I would say I love you more than I love mum, because THAT was for sure ENOUGH to secure I could have access to her 'unconditional' support which was conditional ONLY to How Much I told her that I loved her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disloyal to my mother instead of seeing and realizing I felt disloyal because I embraced some as more important than others and started to divide myself from my family which is LIFE for my FamiLie which was just where I was born

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this Love business within the FamiLie, as the word Love became more and more layered within me with conditions and so I could not understand the Unconditional Love my family was always talking about when I had been imprinted clearly with all the conditions that would make me really lovable vs dutifully loved as a job that they overtook for themselves and that had nothing to do with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about the way I learnt to use the word Love as a word in separation from myself meant to generate good feelings around me, so I could live in peace while everyone got what they wanted as in the declaration of Love vs The declaration of War that we all Fear within the FamiLie structure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated as soon as someone would start a sentence with 'you see, what I am about to tell you is just because I love You' as I knew from experience that there was never anything 'good ' following the 'I love you sentence', and that it was the most vile way to communicate to each other in fact because not only a blow was coming but I was asked to lay down my defences as I braced myself for whatever was to come that for sure would not be pleasant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word Love within experiences and memories of perceived unpleasatness that was just FEAR that I was unable to decode and name because the Love Word stood in the way of me seeing clearly what we were really taking about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Love to a desire to be approved and to get away with anything I could say or do, as I grew up brandishing this word against others, as a passe-partout that could open every door, subjecting others as me to the same routine of asking them to put down their weapons and accept the blow that I was about to strike, all in the name of Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that LOVE that is expressed in 2 different ways in Italian as in TI AMO, to a lover, or Ti Voglio bene, to a family member, is fishy, since everyone wrote and spoke abut the Universal Concept of Love as a Feeling, yet within my own language we made a difference even between the feeling for the ones you Love to Fuck and the Ones you Fuck for Love, yet the Fucking part was always involved with Love but kept hidden from any conversation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be loved by my family and to love my family, not because the loving felt good, but because in loving I could for a moment Not Fear them, I could pretend that everything was FINE and we were COOL and that no surprises were around the corner to confuse me into 'why the fuck did she/they say/do that for?' as after the Loving Play Out there would be a Break and for some time the hateful spitefulness that was running as the invisible force behind all games was suspended and we could breathe, even briefly and feel some peace

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Love to Peace, as in something I aspired to within my family where I perceived WAR all the time, failing to see I was at WAR with myself, with all the parts of me that I had already learnt to suppress to participate in the 'Loving Game' where I could beLieve that it was in fact Normal to interact within the Guidelines that were set stricter and stricter as I grew up, that it was normal to lie to each other's face and gossip behind each other's back and that was what a family was and that in fact we were the lucky ones that were not tied to the legs of a table or had the face smashed against a wall to leave the sacred Sindone on the wall paint, because we were the loved kids and the other kids were the not loved ones, and so I made myself connect Love with the lesser violence displayed in my family in comparison to the families of some of my friends, who funnily enough, believed themselves to be loved to, and connected the word Love to Violence just to go on and move into abusive relationships seeking for the definition of Love they imprinted themselves with as Love=brutality=Passion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Violence of the families around me that said that they Loved their Children so much and whatever they did was for their own good, and for living in HOPE that my family would never Love me THAT Much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I did not display enough Lovability, I would be dumped because as my mother told me, a dog was better than me because the dog wagged his tail, and so somewhere in my mind I connected Love to wagging my tail and to showing lovability as a trait that would guarantee my family and then my partners would keep me and not just give me up for adoption like any bastard that is not lovable enough ends up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory of when my mum said that a dog was better than me, so I could blackmail her every time she would trump the Love/Fear card as I now had a 'get out of Jail Free Card' that I filed away against her, to show her that I may not always meet the lovability standard but you don't too Bitch, and so we are even and my place within the support system  is safe and secured

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with thoughts and beliefs that I was not lovable for this one sentence that my mum said one evening when she was tired and I was throwing some tantrum and for not letting this moment go as something that was NOT personal, instead I personalized it on purpose as I feared my family and I believed I would have to start weaponizing myself against them, because they would always fuck me with the Love card and I would have to have a 'come back' line for when the fucking with my head would just cross the line, instead of seeing and realizing that I was in fact in charge of how I experienced myself and that I did not need to fear them and that I had no real reasons to fear them but that I was taking on  their Fear through their 'LOVE' and THEN looking for reasons to explain to myself why the fuck did I fear them and so I looked for reasons to make sense of my fears within their actions and words, not realizing that this was NOT how they were passing on the load to me and that 'looking for reasons' was just an additional fuck up that I was inflicting on myself as I layered myself with both Their fears and My Reasons to justify them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that the fears were piling up through the LOVE they were giving me and that the reason why I Feared the word Love was because the word LOVE was for themselves FEAR as well, and that I was reading the History of the Word within them as a child and not hearing the word from which they themselves had separated themselves from, and so no matter how many 'good words' they would speak after the word Love, I would hear FEAR FEAR FEAR, while both would have never been able to explain what the fuck was going on as no one of us was aware of the Truth of Ourselves as The Mind and as The Fear of Ourselves and Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to let go of my memories of the Fear of Love that I felt as a Child and to let go of the memories that I have filed as an explanation of my fears in connection to Love, as I commit myself to purify my words to stop my separation from myself as Words to return HERE to Life in and as Breath, in and as The Physical for What is best for All, for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Day 106: Patterning/Parenting/Patenting Rights ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is the right of a parent to pattern a child in his/her image and likeness, even though the actual parenting/patterning is not considering what is best for the Child as Life or What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was lucky as I believed I got a mild parenting/patterning in comparison to some of my girlfriends who got hit and battered by their parents, believing that they deserved it because they themselves said so, and for justifying 'some' patterning compared to others as long as it did not involve 'too much violence'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometime a child deserves a good harding, for their own good and that a good harding or a slap here and there, 'never hurt anyone' since they all survived them and grew into 'decent human beings', when in fact if the world was full of 'decent human beings' as a result of violent upbringing we would have changed the world already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to laugh at the representation of abusive parents by the survivor children, believing that since we survived the abuses and we could laugh about it, we were all right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that it is the right of a parent to do with the child what they want because they created the child and they can unmake it as they made 'it' in the first place, as my mother and many other mothers used to say when they got angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a good harding for some children because they were unruly and rude, instead of seeing and realizing they were just playing out family patterns out loud and that we need an overall education reform to re-teach what effective parenting is since none of us knows anything about it, or we would have created children that would have changed the world already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometimes children 'just take them out of your hands' meaning slaps and physical punishment, just because I heard parents say so, instead of seeing and realizing that there is something wrong in a world where we believe that violence is sometime necessary to teach children about a world where they have to get along with each other and love their neighbor like themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that some children would be punished more harshly because I have been punished harshly for minor things and I hated seeing other kids getting away with murder and I wished they at least got what i got so everything would make sense as 'the way things are' for everybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse poor parenting because 'everyone is doing their best' when in fact nobody has been doing their best but just what we have learnt and repeated from our parents giving it a minor twist here and there, so we would not notice how much we passed on just the same parenting traits to the children of this world, as what we had received

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse the poor parenting of my friends, because they were my friends and parenting is a secret we have agreed to never challenge as others could say ' YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE A MOTHER' even though this should not be an excuse to stand up and say that passing on one's fears, ideas and opinions of a religious nature, or lies about Santa Claus and the Wonderful World we Live in, is a Lie, damaging and abusive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support different parenting for girls and boys in which boys are praised for being strong/brave and girls are praised for being beautiful, while we define and limit children to  specific expressions just because this is what we were taught was important within gender definitions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my friend that the reason why her daughter wants to choose her father who has a driver over her mother who has fuck all, is because she is playing out what we adults taught her about the Value of Life vs the value of Money and since she is clever and can be imprinted with any bullshit from the parents and the parents' friends, she did, and now she believes that Money defines her and everyone, just like we do,  and we cannot in self honesty act surprised like 'gosh, where did she get THAT from ?" because WE KNOW where the kids get the shit they spit in our faces from, from us, yet when we see them playing it out we want to disown them and not be associated with such thinking as they play out in the Open for everyone to see Our Secret Minds that we deny and suppress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when I occasionally cared for children, to imprint them with the same bullshit I was imprinted with, with stories of morality about good and bad that stood in the way of their own development of common sense as an expression of themselves as Life, as Breath that they could have relied on for the rest of their life, if the adults that came before them, including myself, would not have interfered with the imprinting of their own bullshit as ideas, Opinions and believes and Multiple Characters as Personalities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that parking children in Church or in the hands of priests/nuns for their education is better than leaving them on the streets, even though in the streets they would see what is really going on in the world, while nuns and priests just veil them from reality while they screw with their heads with stories of martyrs and virgins all based in fear, pretending that there is a benevolent Creator sorting things out, and this is the good side of life with the Catholics, when they are not busy abusing the children physically

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'there is nothing wrong' with parking children in Church, where they sit and listen to the bullshit thousands of apparent adults have subscribed to, and having already gone through the point that adults know better, have to question their sanity vs the sanity of the believers and conclude the adults must know better, which opens the gates for all the religious shit to come in and be imprinted in their Minds, losing generation upon generations of people who no longer believe in Santa but believe in Gods, Saviours, Love and Fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that any religious teaching is in fact child abuse as the fears of the Parents are passed on to the children to create fearful useless Human beings that will never stand up for What is best for All since religion, together with their parents, stripped them of their common sense and their ability to see that there is no God's plan for this world that is not out accepted and allowed plan and that as we accepted and allowed it once, we can NO longer accept it and allow it and stand up for and as Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I stood up against teaching religion to children, because the group in support of the 'harmless teachings' was larger than just myself standing up and saying stop, and because I feared their judgement and then I believed that I was making a mountain out of a mole, when there is CLEARLY nothing wrong with passing on the teachings of Good and Bad, while I could see that there was because innocence was always lost with religious teaching to never return

I commit myself to expose the point that parents must be accountable and that having kids is not something that everyone should do just because we don't need a licence, even though we need one for fishing, and that if humanity is insane we need to see this and stop reproducing like broken records, always paying the same music again and again until we work out HOW is it that we are doing what we are doing so we can correct ourselves and THEN have children who won't have to walk long paths of self corrections because they will not be broken at birth like we were

I commit myself to no longer support a world where we make parenting skills a taboo, in fear that all will be called out for their responsibilities to be/become accountable parents, because we need responsible and accountable parents to create a World that is not based on Fears but based on what is best for Life and What is best for ALL

Day 97: The Arrogance Character taking full Shape

After surviving the wrath of my mother regarding school, I moved on to a boarding house, run by nuns again, 1 hour away from my city of Birth.

I went there because my mum would no longer allow me to stay at my grandparents, having worked out that I liked it and believing it was not good for me and our relationship.

As a last resort to NOT be sent to boarding school I asked to go and live with my father, my mum contacted him, he allowed me to go for a weekend and then told me he was not able to keep me, that it would have been inconvenient for him to host me now that I was 15 and he lived in a small village with no access to school. My conclusion was that he just didn't want me.

This was a point that marked a big change between me and my mum, by her own admission she started to hate me for having expressed the desire 'to leave her', on my side the anger grew as I saw myself rejected by my mother having decided to pack me off to boarding school and by my father, and my grandparents just kept silent and watch this great injustice done onto me.

As a result I gave up on the permission to go home once a week and staid within the boarding school instead, to spite my mother.

This was the time when she started to show some crazy behaviour, meaning while before there was a sort of logic I could follow whenever we were having an argument, which was often, after this episode things became blurred in her mind and she went on medication for 'mood disorders'. She saw me going to boarding house as well as a safer alternative as she could feel 'she was not well' and saw me out of the way as the best for everybody involved.

At the nuns place, the anger compounded with defiance, I wanted to show myself that I was more clever than they were with their strict rules, washing our hair twice a week vs the once a week they allowed, threw away our food to rush up after dinner to smoke in hiding, and walked around the corridors holding Bertrand Russel book 'Why I am not a Christian', me and Sophia were the ringleaders with no followers as everyone stepped in line with the prayers and all the shenanigans, yet we were piling up 'respect' for our Characters who were fearless -on the surface- defiant, and did not give a shit.

I started to wear only dark colors and held on to this Character of fearlessness for dear life, this is where I started to consolidate arrogance as well as I saw I was more able to portray an image of myself than others and I saw how my being special held others mesmerized and in a state of submission.

Of course as I grew up I became more devious about it all as I realized that arrogance was NOT socially praised, I moved my arrogance inside, into My Secret Mind, in which I was always better and more than others one way or another, fearing to be called out anytime for NOT being that special, pairing only with the 'special' ones like me, snubbing the ones I perceived as 'boring and not exciting' not blatantly but secretly, looking for excitement and fear-full situation in which I could experience the thrill of being alive, seeking experiences for myself at the cost of others, while walking a balancing act, making sure to never appear arrogant as that was NOT rewarded, but spiting them inside my mind when I saw something at which they were better than me, diminishing them, until there was no competition in my mind and I could stand as the Undisputed Unchallenged Alpha Female.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished as I was sent to a Catholic boarding school because I was told as a kid that only if I were bad I would be sent to boarding school and there I was, off to boarding school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished as I held on to the belief that my mother 'did not want me around' and for feeling less than the girls whose mothers held them close to the family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished and worthless when my father said NO to me staying with him and I felt such rejection that I felt ashamed of myself as a worthless piece of crap

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress all these emotions and hide them, turning these emotions and feelings of worthlessness into a festering wound that I perceived and believed I had, believing that I was damaged as only really unworthy kids are sent away from their families in Italy and I must be really unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that only the unworthy kids are not allowed to have a family when in reality many kids have no family and it has nothing to do with their worth but just out of the circumstances of life and having accepted and allowed ourselves to participate in a world where no one is fully supported in any way, financially or mentally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior and unworthy because I wanted to perceive my mother as not wanting me, while I was perfectly capable to see that she was not spiting me but sending me away to a place where she believed I would be less damaged by her own self hatred, that she believed she felt for me for having 'rejected ' her and could not contain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated myself because I believed I was rejected by my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a 'Rebel Character' as a way to get even with all the injustices I perceived and wanted to believe I had gone through in my life as a way to justify my behaviour and why it was that I only wanted to think about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others and on this fear build a Character of Arrogance that displayed intellectual tastes, such as for books I did not care to read but carried around to show my superiority as the choice of books I made, which I used to define myself as I chose titles that were defined and considered 'Intellectual', meaning that were read by Intelligent people who were more than stupid people, as I feared to be considered and judged stupid for having walked away from scientific studies just because I could not match the 'image status' of the students that attended the expensive private school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on Intelligence and Intellect above myself as Life, making the Intelligent/ Intellectual people -in my eyes- more than the ones who were not Intelligent/Intellectual, hoping that by association I would be considered Intelligent/Intellectual and not Stupid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid for the choices I made out of fear in my life, as I was unable to stand the pressure of anything New and did not have the Patience to give myself a little time to adjust as I am a product of a Consumerist society, that teaches that if you fail once or on one topic YOU are a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/am a Failure, I am Not a Failure just because I have failed something in my Life and I no longer accept the ALL ROUND definition of myself as a Failure for what I have not done right, that I can stand and self correct by applying myself again and learning from the first miss-takes I made

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was right to feel superior to everyone because they were inferior as a FACT, while I was the one making up the facts, manipulating memories and reality to suit the idea I wished to have of myself as being better and more than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame for not being wanted by my family according to my own manipulated perception that allowed me to be spiteful inside, by thinking that through my behavior I was just giving back what I got, which was rejection and diminishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others if they knew I went to boarding school which I translated as "Not having been wanted by my family", not having had anyone step up and say 'I'll take her' believing that I was unworthy and undesired and that I had to build up some Character to 'show them' what they missed out by not wanting me, which led me to build the Arrogant Character, wanting to believe I was more than what I believed and perceived my family had defined me as, unworthy to be kept and cared for, as I used these memories to weaponize myself against the world, establishing that if my family was my enemy so was all the world and that whatever I wanted I would have to get for myself because nobody cared for me but it was just because they failed to see how special I was 'inside'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be 'special' as a way to get the love that seemed to go to the 'special ones', that I allowed myself to believe I had not got from my family which meant I was NOT special and this justifid my existence as the 'Character that Desires to be Special'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, out of my perceived rejection and unworthiness to build a Character that 'knows better' than anyone, that is better than anyone, so I would never have to be challenged again by outside forces trying to make me feel inferior, as I failed to see that there was only me playing this demented game within my mind and that only I could make myself feel inferior, because noone can 'make me feel or experience ' anything as I am the one who decides how I experience myself either through standing up and directing myself or by being trashed around by my Memory and Characters, each one fighting for a space and the limelight while I disappear in the background, too fearful to stand up to this majestic war happening inside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the War that happens inside of me is too Majestic for me to stand up, STOP my participation in It and redirect myself to What is Best for All, failing to remind myself that at all times I am the One that Decides

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become Arrogant in a perceived self defense for which I myself created the need for, in fear of being attacked or 'made to feel something or experience something' and so I used arrogance within my Mind to make myself more, above, superior, so I could counter attack the imaginary strikes of others against me as a Character that I myself allowed myself to design and embody, believing this to be me, allowing Characters to become Me to use Me as living Flesh to sustain themselves, while I accepted myself to live the lies that I had to BeLieve to allow my Characters as me to have a 'Life' of their own, even though their existence is/was against Life and myself as Life and What is Best for All

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this story of my Life is me as who I really am, and that these experiences that I have filed and stored in support of my Characters are in fact Me and define Me, within a limited set of Characters that limit Me as Self Expression, Here, in every moment of Breath, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Characters are not Real and I can either spend my Life in support of What is not real, or STOP and support myself as the physical to walk away from anything that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories of myself as experiences to define who I was and who I will be, in a consistent time loop of stupidity, failing to see that it is me that decides and that when I let go the memories that held the Characters in place I can set myself free and learn what Self expression as Me is, Here in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to stop my existence as a Character that is generated by and through memories of me failing as a reason for the existence of such Character in the first place, in this game of Hide and Seek that I am playing with myself, stopping using distractions and excuses to Not be Here, while I live in fear of What is Here, instead of seeing and realizing that there is One place to fear where fear exists and that is within My Mind as I play competing Characters that do not get along, that do not share the same Opinions and that end up driving me crazy, if I accept it and allow it, which I commit myself to NOT accept and allow anymore

I commit myself to become consistent in breathing, in bringing me back to earth, earthing myself every time I catch myself flying off after a thought, no matter how clever the though or how interesting the path laid out in front of me might seem, as I see realize and understand, that I have never been led anywhere that was worth the trip and that when I am following a thought I am in Character already, and I want to Stop this Character Play and I am the One that decides, so remind myself that I do have a choice and that I have already made my choice as The Decision to stand for Life

I commit myself to be patient, to not get upset or judgemental when I catch myself following a thought, as I see that I have layered my life as Characters that now have their own thoughts within me as me, and that it will take some time to repossess my dispossessed body as the physical and stop this take over, but that I can do it, step by step, breath by breath, until I stand Clear of the Monstrosity I myself have created within and as me as the Mind Consciousness System that is now fighting for its own survival vs its End as the Emergence of Life on Earth, One and Equal for everyone

I commit myself to forgive myself for my participation in and as the Mind Consciousness System absolutely, as I see realize and understand that only absolute self forgiveness will give myself and this World the Absolute Absolution for what we have done as Crimes against Life, and I want this Absolution for myself and I give it to myself absolutely so that All of existence may receive it too Equal and One.

Day 59: A Wedding, an Addiction and Other Crimes Against Life

On My wedding day we were just 12, yet there was a lot of commotion.

We did not get married in Church being both non Catholics, we had a Civil Wedding at the Royal Villa in Milan, this is actually a real picture of the Gardens of this Villa that is now called City Hall, as if it belonged to the City since the Citizens pay for its maintenance, instead we are allowed in just once (or more) in our Life, when we get married. I actually had pictures of myself and my husband taken on this bridge just after the wedding, in the exact same Sepia Colour.

I had them, because like everything I did in my life, when I walked away from it, I tried desperately to not keep any picture, to let everything go, and I identified more or less everything in and as my life with pictures.

Little did I know at the time that pictures end up embedded as memories in our Flesh, into the very fabric of who we are, "What the Bleep" talked blandly about it, then when I met Desteni finally I started to understand how and why everything seemed burnt into me and why I perceived myself as scarred for and by Life, first by my Family Life and then by my Marriage.

Many other relationships with men came and went, I did not allow any of them to scar me as much as my marriage did, not my husband Fault, this is very clear now, just all my doing, in my movement that started from a fucked up beginning that run all throughout my marriage.

After the wedding we left and moved to Singapore, we left the day after, I had to pack all my stuff which at the time came up to just less than 20 boxes, sold my car, had 17 days from the beginning of January to make it all happen,

At the time I had a severe Pot addiction, I knew I was supposed to pack but every day I would get up and smoke myself silly, I was anxious about leaving Italy with a man I barely knew that I met on a business trip in Las Vegas one year before the day of my marriage and that I had seen on weekends only and on one week of holiday that we spent together, and I couldn't handle the pressure, so smoking was my only way to assist myself to get 'apparent' breaks from my extensive backchats about my fears and how I feared he would leave me for another woman when he would realize I was just a fuck up with a bad pot addiction. 

I had not hidden this from him, just the extent of my addiction, when he was around during the weekends I would control myself, when he arrived in Italy one day before the wedding and saw I had almost packed nothing he told me 'it doesn't matter, we do it together' which meant he almost packed everything for me and told me 'you'll give up your addiction in Singapore, simply because there is the death penalty there and we won't risk ever to just have a smoke, right?' which was another huge point of anxiety for me, I would HAVE to give up Pot, imagine that, I had lived until then trying to reconcile that this was WHO I was, an addict, better accept this and design my life around this addiction that I would just never give up.

So my marriage started on guilt and shame, I got pregnant from the "one night stand" we spent together in Las Vegas and aborted, because I did not have money to support a kid if I had to leave my job, I didn't even think about it twice, it was obvious, my ex husband who had got in touch again after the one night stand and to whom I told I was pregnant but would not keep it, after we had seen each other for a few weeks in a row, told me 'we'll keep the next one' and hugged me all night when he came to visit just after the surgery. It was my second, the second was easier, it's amazing how we get used to everything and accept that our lives are choices that we have to make within our limited resources, I live you die, or we both die.

Basically he embodied everything I wanted in a man, he was good looking, tall, intelligent, kind, we had great interesting conversations and a future ahead of him, he would surely grow in his position at work and I could tag along.

The things that were not right was all the backchat that manifested from when he asked me to marry him, then the Marriage Holy Ghost possessed me, everything he did I compared to movies, I got no ring, no going on his knees he did not say he couldn't live without me, in fact he said that it would be 'most practical, that his boss told him it would be easier if we were married' which of course led to me holding this one point against him forever, believing that he did not want me, he was just being practical, and on this I built a castle of bitterness and anguish with which I abused myself and him, seeking that certainty that in fact he did want me and loved me and he had not married me just to get me to Singapore, because I had told him, Icannot leave everything just for a fling, so marriage was the collateral that was put up for my Life, and I accepted it.

When we exchanged vows we were asked if we wanted common property of assets, at the time we did not have much assets, I had a tiny apartment in Milan, my husband waited for me to decide since I was the only asset owner among us and I said YES, he saw this as a gesture of good will, I saw this as an investment into sharing what he would make in the future.

On my wedding day my father reappeared from nowhere, he lived the flower child life unsuccessfully and when he aged he ended up going to work for his ex flower child friends who now all run successful businesses. His appearance created tension, my grandfather lost his chance to take me to the 'Altar', my mother got to review her lost chances at marriage in memory lane and cried throughout the wedding, my mother in law cried as she felt lonely, her ex husband not being there because my husband invited him too late. My grandmother pushed my mother out of the way to sit next to us at the wedding table, my mother sat sad and grieving throughout the lunch.

We had lunch at the Brazilian restaurant and ordered cahipirinas for everyone, a spirit mixed with sugar and lime, instead of wine, this is how we got to take a breath in all the emotional turmoil, when everyone was finally drunk, we started 'having fun', or better we started no longer giving a fuck about anyone else and whatever it was that was eating them all, and as the spirit grew in theirs and our blood, so our Spirits rose, from the Graves to the Stars, finally, all able to embody the lie that our lives have become, the Happy relatives at the Happy Happy Wedding Day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not good enough for my husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because my marriage was born out of a cndition that I had set, that I would not go to Singapore just for a 'fling' pushing my husband to propose, or so I believed, and for this judgement of myself I spent my marriage looking for clues that he did in fact not want me and that he just married me because 'I manipulated him into it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my ex husband did not want me and I maniuplated him into marriage when in fact each one of us is responsible for what we do and my manipulation doesn't affect him but myself as I end up in guilt, shame, remourse and then self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting andd allowing myself to hold myself hostage to my own self judgement of how I have manipulated others instead of seeing I have only and always manipulated myself only and created more separation inside myself while I created layers of screen to not face my own self judgements because at least I judged myself which allowed me to feel right and righteous

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself so I would get to feel right and righteous and more than others that were wrong and less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I had a pot addiction the extent of which I kept hidden in fear that I would lose value in his eyes, because I had already lost value in my own eyes for living the life of an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for having lived the life of an addict and for defining myself as an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my husband came to Milan and found out I had packed fuck all because I was too busy smoking myself silly so I would not have to face all the fears I felt regarding moving abroad and getting married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear marriage, getting married and my wedding day and for leaving behind all my pictures hoping that I could delete what happened without taking responsibility for my participation within and as it and the outflow and consequences I had to live due to my participation in and as The MIND

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that because my husband saw me like that, overtaken by my addiction, he had lost respect for me and I walked into my marriage feeling that I had a debt and was flawed and I was not of Equal value to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress shame and guilt for my inability to walk away from Pot to start a new life, even when I had an opportunity because by then I had made Pot my God and I  feared living without it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel numb when I aborted for the second time, not devastated like the first time, because I saw myself has having failed and having embraced the Money system so completely that it had become who I was and all my decision were based on money and my ability to support myself and a child did not fit into the picture at any time in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself up to the Money system in fear for my survival and what I would not be able to do to make money if I had children at 23 and then 29, when my life had finally just settled into some sort of financial stability that I could not give up because I feared for my future within this world and how I would face life with children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my abortions as if I were bad and unworthy because the Catholics condemned abortion, instead of seeing that it is the world we live in that is a crime against Humanity and Life and that I just accepted it and allowed it by admitting that my survival was more important than the survival of anyone else and that I would do anything to secure my position within the system to be able to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the sadness of my abortions because I judged myself as the fault and the cause for them and since I was the cause I had given up my right to grieve and see that I was just scared and that I have to stop judging myself for what I have done to survive and instead stand as the Solution so other women won't have to base their choices in life on surviving but on Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my mum came to pick me up at the first abortion and she brought me flowers as it is customary for surgeries, and I saw all the other girls there alone and no one knew they were there and their mothers would have never supported them and I felt guilty for having the support of my mother who had to make the same choice before me for the same reasons as me, because the system is so fucked up that support is not there for women unless they work to support themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the flowers my mum brought to me to a celebration and for feeling guilty and shameful associating flowers and celebration to an event like an abortion for which I was required to be sad and grieving and remorseful instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my first abortion as something that it should never be spoken about ever again, because I had not forgiven myself for my own self judgement of myself as being a careless slut and how could have that happened to someone like me who was on the pill since I was 17, preaching that abortion is just a sign of careless stupidity until I had to face mine and had to feel carelessly stupid through my own judgement of others as myself, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not worthy to bring a child into this world because I was too fucked up and I would have passed it on to my child, like my grandma did to my mother and then she did to me and I was not good enough to procreate because I saw myself as useless and unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my husband to be hugged me all night after my abortion, because inside of me I believed I did not deserve it, that I was BAD and that there was no redemption for me having made the same miss-take twice, just for a fuck and look where it led

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in debt toward my husband to be because he had been so understanding and nice through that post abortion time and he called me every night and I feared losing him so much that after my marriage I did everything in my power to lose him but I just embittered him and he would not leave me until I had to leave, leaving behind grief and sorrow, hoping it would not catch up with me and that he would handle it because he was better than me at handling 'emotions' (or suppressing them) and I could just move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store and suppress so much grief inside of me regarding my marriage and everything that I did wrong that when I saw Andrea's pictures I felt like crying as all this stuff bubbled up inside of me again, instead I suppressed it down again and kept walking to give myself some more time before unraveling Me, the wedding and my abortions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my wedding day in a state of constant tension, looking forward to smoking Pot and drinking the next cahipirinha, so I could keep everything suppressed and under control and not have to see my mother crying and my grandfather sad, and my mother in law lonely and face that I was witnessing the microcosm of Humanity in a room, where all the pettiness and the grievances of a lifetime where exposed and raw and what really goes on inside each one of us was there for everyone to see and could no longer be hidden but by alcohol or drugs, legal or illegal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately arrange spirit drinks for everyone, so they too would suppress everything that was going on and we could spend a fake quiet happy day, pretending that all was fine and the future in front of us was bright and that we were living the perfect fairy tale wedding day, on our way to our honeymoon and Happily Ever After

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sign for joint ownership of assets as an investment in my future, investing in my husband future life and his future assets so I would be guaranteed a survival within the system, because I felt like a fraud and I feared the day I would be called out for what I was, my survival would no longer be certain and I would not probably make it in the world by myself and it was better to have a man next to me to 'support' me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be supported both emotionally and financially because then I would not have to participate in this world of fights and struggles and face the system as myself, but I would be someone else's responsibility and I could just drift through life unscathed by this system of self interest and survival, while I was my own system of self interest and survival inside the walls of my own home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not communicate to my husband what was going on with me and for keeping up the suppression game that increased my back chats and made me feel dishonest within my relationship for what I projected on him about me and how I felt because I did not know how to take responsibility for myself and how to correct myself until I met Desteni and applied the tools they taught me and within this I stop all judgements for who I have been and what I did and think, understanding that now is just a matter to walk backwards, own up to the life I have lived and correct my relationships of thoughts words and deeds back into alignment with what is best for Life as What is Best for All, which is what is best for me as in stopping the self abuse of me as judgements and recriminations about what would have been if I were different, as I walk  the manifested consequences of what I laid out for myself and breathe until all of me stands corrected in alignment with Life and What is best for All

I commit myself to dig into this relationship until I feel clear that when my ex husband name is spoken I have no movements and no reactions and I stand clear as one relationship that has finally aligned to what is best for me and what is best for All, as Life, One and Equal.

Day 27 : The 'I must have done something wrong" Pattern

Yesterday I tried to pin something on one of my Pinterest Board and for the first time the log in page opened, so I tried to log in and got a message that said "Your account has been suspended, please contact support".

This was a very minor thing, yet I saw myself first moving into anxiety thinking that if it was as they said on the Support pages that my account could take a few days to restore, I would have a backlog of things I missed out on posting to catch up with, plus a pattern of thought emerged as in "I must have done something wrong".

I am very familiar with this pattern, when my mum suffered from instability often she would be angry at me for something I could not pinpoint specifically as the source of her anger and she used to tell me 'think about it', in this habit of thinking about it I became used to precede people and make assumptions about what 'did I do wrong' to cause a change in their mood or a personality switch, I started to assume that when people around me change, it's something I have done, I must have upset them, I must have done something 'wrong'. This became quite a trait in my Relationships fuck ups.

It was interesting for me yesterday to watch myself play out a list of possible 'wrong' things I may have done on Pinterest

maybe I have posted something 'objectable'

possibly, you cannot post the same Pin on 2 boards

maybe I cannot post on other's boards even when invited, because I put a post there that was already posted and I did not notice

It was a long list, as long as the list they posted on Pinterest to say what you are not authorized to do, in fact it was longer, I out thought them on a list of forbidden things to do, until I forbade myself from going on as I realized I was ranting on assumptions and since I have never been banned before (here goes another assumption, that I was in fact banned) I may just as well, wait and follow the required steps for reactivation and take it from there.

It is by now obvious to me that I lack some of Anu's traits, patience is not me yet, I see myself more as an Atlantean as make up and design, a loser that has been conned into this reality, which could be one of the reasons why I resisted listening to their story as I was sure I would end up having to face the Inconvenient Truth about who are the winners and the losers, just to find out, yet again, we are all losers in this Polarity Game of which we better get a grasp on to move into an inversion of direction, from Self Destruction into realigning ourselves to Oneness and Equality as Life, because really, is this what we call a life ? Lost in the Mind of assumptions, ideas, beliefs, memories, where is the Space to live our Lives as Life ?

Today Pinterest contacted me to let me know my account was reactivated, I was in fact never banned, it was a glitch, so I have wasted time and Breaths lost in my mind, assuming things that were not True and not even Real. 

So applying Self Forgiveness now to delete this particular Energetic Pattern

 

I  forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone's mood or behaviour changes around me 'I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that other people's moods and behaviors, thoughts and words are my responsibility and that when something goes awry with them 'I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when B. and S. asked to have a chat with me, I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mum's bad moods were my fault as it was obvious to her and just not to me 'that I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear doing something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy this blame pattern for what went on inside of me to make other's responsible for my own reactions generated by My thoughts, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when my ex husband or my partners were in a bad mood 'I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when my friends don't reply to me or contact me, I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that  when a stranger approaches me aggressively or replies to me harshly, I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the sentence 'we need to talk' with the thought 'I must have done something wrong' and with the emotion of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scare myself with the thought "I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing something wrong and diminishing myself by making a mistake or doing something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself and others one and equal through the idea of 'doing something wrong' or making a mistake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be diminished by making a mistake or by doing something 'wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace the rights and wrongs of others instead of trusting myself as Self Honesty to know what is best for All and thus Best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy this blame pattern for what went on inside of me to make other's responsible for my own reactions generated by My thoughts, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others could be responsible for me through doing 'something wrong' that upset me, instead of realizing I am the only one that can upset myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to upset myself with assumptions and ideas of what I might have done wrong in situations I know nothing about just because I play out in automatic the pattern of 'I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the thought of 'I must have done something wrong' and for using it with others as in 'you must have done something wrong to upset me/someone', spreading this dis-ease I had not taken the time to address and let go instead of inflicting it on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate wrongdoing, mistakes and guilt and for using my projected self judgement on others to manipulate them into guilt to my own selfish benefit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into and as guilt when I think "I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to me as the Mind of Self Abuse and Abuse of others instead of breathing myself back Here, One and Equal to Life and everything that exists

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the assumption of 'I must have done something wrong', I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of guilt of 'I must have done something wrong', I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the guilt arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the guilt and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in guilt as an automated response to a pattern of self Abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about wrongdoing and from judging myself and others as 'having done something wrong', through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every Living Being.