Friday, July 6, 2012

Day 81: Experiencing My Mother stepping Out of Character, Now What ?

What we are doing with this new Character perspective has opened up many new perspectives, one that I saw clearly yesterday and that gave me a feeing of sadness was that if I have just moved from one Character to another within my Life, when was I alive for real ? And the answer is Never.
This became clear as I looked for when was the last time I was authentic, and as it should be, I cannot remember that time, because if and when I was ever authentic as a child, I have no memory of it, because if I were Here in and as Breath, I was not in Character and hence I cannot have filed a memory of that moment, which means everything I can infact remember and place within a memory contest happened while I was in Character, NOT Here, therefore NOT Real.
Yesterday my mum came to visit, she was very upset because she spoke to a friend and the friend told her that Her daughter just out of Uni found a job, so my mum admitted that while she was happy for her (Character) she was envious about it too (Character) because she went into the desire that it should have been me getting the job and why didn't I ? (Character)
The speech came as a bit of a surprise because I thought (Character) that we were fine and that we had agreed that I would focus on my health first (Character) and THEN focus on the job.
Yet we both had been playing this 'job game' unspoken because none of us wanted to get to the root of the matter.
And the roots seem to be several.
One root that she exposed and was quite obvious, is that I have done nothing to 'root' myself back in Italy, I have been hovering above this country, trying to not get infected by my judgements that this country is just something I am doing because I did not know what else to do and that I am in fact absolutey unrelated to it and don't want to create a relationship with it either, as this is my way to rebel against what I see as a system where everyone is razzled-dazzled by brands and money and status and I am NOT.
Then another point has been my regression, I have looked into it and thought that it was due to my return to Italy having made nothing with myself in the 17 years I have spent abroad, I have not come back rich and with a 'position in the world system I can be proud of', so I am fying low as to not have to expose why and how this happened and how I wasted all my 'potential' coming back with and as 'nothing'.
And this point exists, but the regression happened for something that yesterday became clearer as my mum talked, she had originally told me 'ok rent this house out if you don't want to stay here and with the money you can decide what to do and where to go and live', this gave me two feelings, one of relief, because I saw I could again move out of Italy and go to a cheap country and live off this rent, plus I would still have the house for my old age, so there was relief and guilt at the same time, because it seemed that this point would be working only for me, while my mum had to never benefit from some more money that she could get from this house as she sacrificed to protect 'my old age', yet it was 'her duty' (?).
While we talked she re-thought the point out and said, "or we could just sell it as was the original plan, you get half of the money, I get half of the money so I breathe a little, and then what you do with the money it's your business'.
At this prospect I felt a huge relief, because the money from rent was like being under controlled administration, the way you would put someone who had bankrupt and could no longer be 'trusted' with having a lump sum of money, because they would just do a repeat number, but then I saw the point of self responsibility, which I have skipped and hopped along in the past year since I came back, because THIS was the original plan and I had a plan to set up a business with the Money, but when my mum changed her mind, I went both into a sulking "I have ben trapped here against my will' and a spiteful stance of 'if I am handicapped according to you, then you take care of me', because this point is there for sure.
Plus yesterday my mum told me 'see I have stepped out of character' (how interesting), because if I had to behave like grandma I would NOT give you the Money of the house but I would tell you that you fucked up your money and now it's up to you how to get out of it'.
So I had a flood of feelings of gratefulness for the 'stepping out of Character that she did' but then today I saw that she actually had to step out of character, because somehow she had become aware that we were keeping each other stuck into a mother/daughter play and that something had to give or I would be the daughter for eternity and she could only have it two ways, either the power to manage my life through holding the money purse or let go and benefit herself from the letting go by getting half of it.
Yet, after out talk I started looking for a job, but I no longer felt like before, a loser, because now I had an imaginary sum of Money in my pocket and so I became an investor in my own Life and not someone on the dole and I faced for the first time the question, how would it be best for me to move back into the system ?
Of course with the imaginary money in my pocket, everything changed, I changed, so my perceived value went up and many jobs I would not consider became appealing and my choices widened, when you have imaginary money (because let's set this straight, all money circulating at the moment is Imaginary anyway) in your pocket choices expand, so how is it that we cannot get the point of how entangled we have become to the Money System and why we have to pass through the Money System, correct ourselves, Give Money as Life as Choices to everyone Equally, restore everyone's Dignity and then move on to a moneyless world, what is it that we cannot grasp about this Money Point and how much of ourselves has ended up invested and divested in it ? 
I will try and unravel some of the things that seem interlinked with a lot of past stuff now through Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without Money I am paralyzed and handicapped and that I am not as valuable as when I have Money/Imaginary Money in my pocket

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the existence of a world in which our choices are determined/limited by how much Imaginary Money we have in our pockets/Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to look at the job point inside of me in fear that I would have to uncover the point that much of me is divested into Money as value and that without Money/Imaginary Money I am not as effective at playing a Character that takes on the system with Equal Power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mother and her stance about this house as my excuse for not facing the job point inside of me and what is going on that has prevented me from being as effective as I know I can be since I came back to Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was stuck into a paralyzing construct of something that was going on between me and my mother instead of seeing I have paralyzed myself out of spitefulness to prove that since what was promised and owed to me had not been given to me, I now did not know what to do with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray/prey at my Grandma's Church, where she promised me Heaven on Earth by telling me that I would not have to work once she died as I would inherit everything and that would be enough to spare me from the Hell of this world as work and a Life of responsibility, failing to see that I turned Grandma into a religion that I worshipped because she promised me Heaven when she died which was better that Heaven when I died

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was better/superior to the Catholics that go to Church and pray for a better Life and Heaven after death, because I did not go to Church as I would not be duped into a promise of something to be delivered after my death, failing to see that I just had a better deal going with my Grandmother who promised me Heaven on earth when She died and that I was never better or superior to the Catholics but I just had access to a better, more consistent reward for my Prayers at Grandma's Church

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that for me to access Heaven as in having everything grandma left behind, my mum would have to go to hell, as in not having been recognized as valuable/worthy in life or Death, through Money and possessions, and that I skipped this detail because I did not care that everyone would equally benefit from the equation but that I could benefit more and have my promised Heaven to which I was by now entitled having accepted the worship of Grandma's Church while she was alive at the price of my own compromise of myself and so I had paid what was due, now give me what is Mine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Worth and value were determined by the Money/Possessions one could pile up in a lifetime, because through this belief I perceived my grandma more valuable than my mum in my eyes and ultimately I made myself NOT valuable when I cut myself off Money and Possessions so I could see and realize where I had invested myself and my value/worth in separation from me as Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character of Entitlement out of my relationship within my family as I perceived myself paying the required worship to the Church of Grandma, while my mum just didn't get what Grandma was after, which was unconditional support for Her Character which tied me into a Character of my own that developed a Life of its own as Entitlement that I play and embody every time I perceive myself as having paid the due worship to the Character Church of anybody in terms of unconditional support for their Character, no matter if I believe or not that their Character is real, I will pretend as long as they pretend that my Character of Entitlement is real and give me my dues as in worship and unconditional support for the Character I play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself at a loss yesterday when in fact I had been given everything I believed I was entitled to, but since my mum stepped out of a Character I was having a converrsation with and moved deflty into another one that I could not immediately identify and align to, I felt naked like in the story of the Emperor's clothes, in which she could see my nakedness and I could not see hers and I felt inferior and diminished and moved back into the daughter character and became grateful for having been granted what I believed was always mine and I was entitled to, yet I suppressed my Entitlement Character in fear that my mother's Character whatever that was would NOT respond well to my Entitlement Character and I might lose out in the Equation in which I was already giving up half of what I believed was Mine just for the sake of secuing the half I was no longer sure I could get out of entitlement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divest myself into Money as Value, as a point that I have accepted and allowed myself to receive and perceive receiving strenght from, meaning that when I do not have Money or access to Money I am weak and not in charge of my Life because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is Money that decided the fate of our Lives and yet even though this realization was clear inside of me I never stood up for Money as Life to be equally shared but focused on how could I become entitled to Money to secure my future and that I would never have to participate in and as the system of making Money in fear of my own compromises, faling to see I had already compromised myself through my investement in Money as Life and that what I feared to see was the extent of my own compromise and what I withheld from the World as me while seeking for my own security as Entitlement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother was superior to me yesterday when I believed she stepped out of Character, failing to see she just switched Character and she just did it too fast for me to align to the proper Character that could outline somehow my point of view so I could come out of this chat feeling right and having the right and entitlement to what she was giving up, and for feeling inferior because I did not manage to uphold my point of view through a Character play but sat there at a loss for where the talk was going that I could not relate to as a Character and feared to face Here in and as Breath in and as Self Honesty because I fear that Here as Breath not moving in and as a Character I have nothing rehearsed and I will be at a loss for words and ultimately at a loss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the fear of Loss I experience regarding stepping out of a Character is real, instead of seeing and realizing it is me as the Mind fearing the deletion of Characters as the source of the Energy supply I generate in and as Characters of and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I knew what was going through my mother's mind because I wish to feel safe that I can at least trust her to do what is best for me, failing to see that no one is doing what is best for another because within our Mind as Characters we have designed ourselves for self interest in terms of securing resources, such as Money, and that I cannot expect from another what I have not been willing to give, even if the other is my Mother, because as my Mother she is just 'in Character' and so she herself will try and manipulate the situation to her favor to get something from me, in terms of positive feedback for her own Character or Money for herself, just as I would do when I am in and as a Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent myself for looking into my mother's words and actions to see where is she trying to fuck me, because as a Character I don't trust myself, and rightly so and so I don't trust others either that they would do what is Best for All as I would NOT do what is best for All when I accept and allow myself to lose myself into and as Character plays

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my Mother be above the Character Play, because if I accept and allow myself to believe that she is a Character as I am a Character, then NOTHING I have lived or experienced or trusted has ever been real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stepping out of my Characters Play because since I have never been Real except the times that I do not remember as a Child and since every memory I try to bring up as help as experience I can relate to before speaking or taking a stance is not real either, I fear not having ground to stand on if and when I step out of Character and that I won't be as articulate as my Characters who I have developed to maximum efficiency to automatically take care of any situation I may face, failing to see that unless I DO step out of All Characters and trust myself that I won't be dumb when it's time to speak but Here in and as Breath and that the more I do and practice being Here the less I will feel the pull and need to step ''in Character' to face something out of fear of being ineffective and that it is a process of building Self trust and that I have nothing to lose as I prove to myself everyday that no Character of Mine has ever been Life but a self interest program I have scripted and lived out pretending to be alive/living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear admitting I have never lived and fear to be flooded by emotions and feelings about what I missed out, yet this is another Character that I can choose to not embody by being Here in and as Breath instead than in and as Regret as a Character of my life not lived, while I keep on NOT living as I stand in Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this creation as me, as I realize we are on stage playing Characters we do not remember how we have scripted or created and I fear that we won't be able to get out of this stupidity loop that we started in our Search for More of Me and More of me Here, instead of realizing the stopping starts with me as I stop the fear of stopping and step out of All Characters to bring myself back here In and as Breath

I commit myself to dig into all my Characters to see where and how they originated and what is the original memory keeping them alive so I can dismantle them one by one to bring myself back Here in and as Breath, for myself and What is best for All, as Life and All of existence, Equal and One


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