Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Day 92: The Addict

I started to smoke marijuana when I was 17, as I said many times I went on and off -with the "on" part very predominant- for over 30 years, 2/3 of my Life I was a Pot smoker. 
Only after I was 30 I faced the point 'I am an Addict', with some resistance, leaving behind the Character "I enjoy this lifestyle' since it became clear I had no life, only the 'style' as an habit of smoking.

Since we started this Character revealing Game, I had to come to term with a disturbing reality, All My Characters share one trait, the desire to NOT take responsibility and to NOT be Self Honest, no wonder that through Characters we have created such a world.

The point of the Addict Character still flashes occasionally as a memory, the distorted offering of images of the alleged 'good times' conveniently fading over the times when I would faint from over smoking or would just throw up when mixing with alcohol, my memory has left the good bits on the file label and content, the Addict File is tempting to revisit, when the memorie flash I see I could in fact step back in, given the chance, or better, I feel I have left the door ajar just in case I want to step back in and justify myself with the point that 30 years add-dick-tion cannot be just let go like that. No, better to keep the self abuse going as a form of respect for all the past self abuse, a History like this cannot be just trashed for good.

But in truth, this and my other Creation as his partner in crime ' I enjoy this Lifestyle' Character were never what they seemed to be, the one about making this Lifestyle choice was not Real because I was long gone down into automation by when I was 30, it was just my way to 'not lose face' to not have to come out and say , I've kind of lost control here and I don't know how to get out', and the other one was the Character that says 'ok, I admit, I lost control and I do not know how to get out'.
Yet, both Characters are just Liars, because I always knew how to get out, it was a pretty brainless path to walk, I would have to quit and go through the withdrawal and then come out of it and Stop.
I just didn't want to.

Because these 2 characters allowed me to not have to take responsibility for myself, either by a 'choice' as in a Lifestyle choice, where in fact what I was saying was, yes it's true, I enjoy isolating myself and smoking dope way more than living or having a functional Relationships, real interactions with other human beings, because all that is hard work as I have to confront and face all my reactions, self judgements, emotions and feelings and when this did not work out anymore for me, I apparently let go of my 'saving face' point to embrace the 'I'm an addict Character", which was the ultimate surrender and admission, 'I'm not in charge here guys, I am an Addict, some things are out of my ability to manage', like this one, so just leave me Alone.

SO, when now I see someone smoking Pot, rolling, posting on Facebook how they would like to get stoned I am not in fact reacting to the smoking pot idea, I am reacting to myself, to the door left ajar that makes me feel always on the edge of a precipice and then I busy myself to never get close to the edge, instead of shutting the fucking door once and for All and not leave the option for me to take, because I have designed myself to be irresponsible and with plenty Characters to justify my actions as if they were not in fact my choices and decisions, of energy/experience over Life as Breath, when under pressure the chances I will take it are high, that's why I left it ajar! Avoiding the situation where pot goes around is not enough, it must be an absolute self commitment to no longer give in to the desire to not be Here and go off somewhere else in my mind, because the leaving the door ajar is in itself a decision, it is the decision to allow myself to fall, just once, just for the sake of 'living' that feeling again, of carelessness, the imaginary Lightness of Being, as the decision is made in the small things, in the one that seem unimportant as I look at myself and see I have given up Pot, yet I see the door ajar as well, so how is it going to be ?
Because I make no mistake now about it, I know that I am the One that Decides.

Self forgiveness and self Commitment statements to Follow tomorrow

1 comment:

  1. Cool post Eleonora. Stopping pot was a hard nut for me to crack. It also allowed me to finally start walking points that otherwise would have remained hidden in the fog of addictions. Stopping pot and smoking was very effective in assisting me to finally confront myself and start walking.