Thursday, July 12, 2012

Day 87: 'The Rejected' Character

Yesterday I received my first official rejection letter for a job I have applied for.
There could have been many reasons, no longer the age because I have removed the date of birth from my CV, could have been the money I asked, could have been that they had another person that was coming from their specific sector, many many reasons.
Instead I took it personally, I felt 'rejected'.
My mum called today to tell me a story of fights going on with her friends, they were all stories about rejection, how could they not be ?
I failed in the Supporting Character Role and was told to 'go and fuck off', I said 'you too mum'. There was no reactions on my side, just the disappointment that I failed to support the Character just to step into Character at the end, it was a fun relaxed mocking 'fuck off', yet I was back in Character.
The Rejection Character is a second hand Character (maybe a 10000 hand down, still fresh as New), it was passed on to me as a family memory, a memento of a Life that my mum lived as 'The Rejected' by her own mum, and then by her own dad and she ended up living with her grandmother, so To validate this memory and be able to live out this Character I sought my own rejection experiences to charge the memory, validate it and bring this Character alive as me.
I breathed life into it, as the God of my existence.
My first memory of rejection is the story that I was not loved immediately when I was born, this story did not match the story of the loving mothers who would give their life for their children, my mum did not, possibly she suffered post partum depression of which nothing was known at the time, yet, when I heard her the first time share this story with some of her friends I felt a wave of shame, then sadness and I wanted to go to my room and hide to hide the tears, I was not wanted, not loved as soon as she looked into my face, Rejected.
Since this memory was linked to a Character that had to live in and as me as part of my preprogramming, I still remember the memory of that moment, the shame and the anger as well that she would share this with her nothing friends, make them more them me, share this just to entertain them, to show how honest she was about herself, I felt hatred as well for my mum, a rightful hatred.
Interesting because when she would through the years bring up again and again the story of when she was a child and one day she run to her father to show him affection and love and he pushed her away and how much this damaged her, I would think 'Enough already, get over it, you were5 years old, 65 now, we are still talking about it'
Now I see that my irritation was at myself as I knew I myself treasured my own memories of Rejection as the fuel and lifeforce of my 'Rejected Character'.
My mum was always outspoken about her fear to be rejected she would ask 'let me in, I'm not the dog's daughter' when she would catch me and grandma in conversation.
I did not manifest this Character in the same way, my Fear of rejection was too big to be exposed, exposing this point would give others a weapon against me, they could always reject me if they knew what I felt and how damaged I perceived myself at every new rejection incident, so this Character is one of my Secret Characters, never spoken about and when spoken about would be to be denied, I had no fear of rejection, anyone could leave me any time, good riddance to them.
Everytime I would perceive a rejection I would physically tighten up and feel tearful, bringing back to me as me the memory of my First rejection and the emotions and feelings I filed with it.

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character
My mum saying she did not love me at first sight
My mum standing up for other kids against me
My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me
My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days
My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me
My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

One of my boyfriend that told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend
When I was the mistress of a guy and he told me he was going back to his wife
When I had a fling with a guy who forgot to tell me he had two children with a girl and he went back to her after telling me he wanted to be with me
My ex husband that I feared regretted to have married me
My ex husband who did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage
My ex husband who told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself
My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize but she told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I see I have actually fared pretty well in my loopholes of the Rejection Game :)

The Secret Thoughts of this Character

Fuck off
I don't need YOU
I will show YOU
You will see
You will regret it
You will miss me (this now comes up as the most pathetic)
You'll never have another woman like me

The words I would speak while in the Rejection Character

That's It
I'm tired of this shit
I don't have to take this shit
I don't give a shit
See if I care
I won't look back

Facial expression

Body stance
Ready to leave
Taking my things, packing up

Emotions & Feelings
Embarrassment, Anger -suppressed-, feelings of inferiority/superiority, Righteousness, Self Pity, Fear

Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements to Follow Tomorrow

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