Day 98: The Arrogant Character goes Underground as Backchat and Gossip

Having come to the conclusion that Arrogance is NOT Socially rewarded, nor was rewarded within my family unless it was called something else, like 'being the best, the most beautiful, the best dressed, the most stilish' as attributes of value, the Arrogance Character moved underground, and set up shop within The Secret Mind.

This by no means shows that it was gone, it was just hidden, entertained within the secrecy of my own Mind or with 'close' friends, other people who would have Gossips of Value to share, because like in everything there is a market Value to Gossips and Secrets, the more outrageous, the more they wished to stay Secret, the Highest their market Value.

As a result of this another Character developed, which was the 'I share All of Myself Character' which was/is as devious as all the others because by no means everything is shared, as that would put me in an undesired position of vulnerability, but the things to share would be weighted on the 'Secret Market', given a value, and used for exchanges of secrets, hopefully fishing out more interesting secrets than the Ones given up in the Trade.

The amount of backchats and comments that were and still are running in my mind about everybody is quite relevant as the Arrogant Character is always seeking for points of value in another to diminish, to level the playfield so that it would never have to feel 'less than another' while failing to see that it is because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own diminishment relative to experiences and relationships that did not come out 'Picture Perfect' as they have been defined and filed in my Mind as the desirable Standard, that this Character exists in the first place, seeking to be more in fear of being less, desiring to be special in fear of NOT being special, not wanting to be Equal because Equal stands in the way of my specialness, and then where would I get my Value from?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and deny my Arrogant Character, because I did not want to face the shame and the embarrassment I feel for what I get up to when I accept and allow myself to embody this Character, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for embodying my Arrogant Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when someone says 'you are arrogant' feeling as if I have been called out, ineffective in covering up what really goes on in My Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that it is because I fear losing my cover and being exposed that I react and not because of what someone says about me being Arrogant, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called out and exposed as 'Arrogant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disclosing this Character because, if I do, then I have to Change and lose my right to diminish others in my mind and I will then have to face all the points where I have diminished myself, made myself less, put value on things outside of myself searching for value in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Change and the loss of my privilege to secretly gossip about others in my mind and my chance to allow the commentary about everyone I approach to run unchecked, while I pretend it's not happening

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about others as a way to feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gossip and secrets as something that I could trade on the Market of Gossip and Secrets, using them as a currency to gain trust and open doors that I perceived and believed would be otherwise locked unless a trade of secrets and gossip would take place to cement a partnership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some friends are closer than others and with them it's normal and allowed to gossip, because this is what close friends do, to let each other know how special they are to each other, pretending to share everything while the only sharing that takes place is about others and their secrets and what one wants to share to uphold the Character through which the interaction is taking place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that having secrets is weird in the first place, as secrets imply that they must be stored somewhere, away from public eyes, away from my own eyes as well, sometimes, without considering that wherever I stored secrets that I loaded with guilt and shame they would be bound to fester and rot and create a Secret Mind with a life of its own, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge secrets within my secret Mind with guilt and shame and for feeling guilt and shame relative to secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that having secrets that cannot be shared means that we will never be able to trust one another, as each one will be too busy trying to work out what is the other one keeping secret and why, and that to build a different world we will have to give up all our secrets to show each other who we really are and what have accepted and allowed ourselves to become so we can stand in and as Self Correction as the Self Directive principle of Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing this point because what if someone I know will read and judge me and think 'ah, so this is what you have done the whole time, you bitch', failing to see I fear my own judgement of myself and this is why I keep this Character secret just like I keep other Characters secrets because Characters are a sign of Mental disorders I do not want to share with the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I did to others in my secret mind and with friends, they would do to me, accepting and allowing myself to live a life of paranoia, thinking 'what do they think, what will they say' allowing my fear of the judgement of others about my life to run my choices or the choices I pretended to make so I could get a favorable review for my Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why and how I started to run an internal commentary about every person I met or had an exchange with, even though the commentary was offering opinions and thoughts I was not in agreement with or I saw they were not benevolent in nature, yet I allowed and accepted myself to participate in them anyway, blaming the others for the commentary that was obviously born because they were THAT way and not as something born out of my sick mind that needs to be rooted out and rewritten to be realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than people that said 'I can keep a secret,' because I could not as I saw that secrets were currency within my Secret Mind, keys to favors and good feelings to share with others while I exposed friends and family just for the energetic charge that I would get by painting them as the vile and wrong ones while I painted myself as the good and right one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I exposed this point, it would be another layer of known 'communication skills' that I would have to give up and then I would not know what to talk about if not about others and gossips and secrets, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not giving up anything of value and this is not a SKILL but a rotting point within me that I want to let go and change as I realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other people's lives as comparison with mine to see who was living the best life, the most righteous, looking for points in which I could prove their unworthiness to cover up my own feelings of unworthiness and unrighteousness and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was unworthy and wrong/bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that gossiping is normal, that it happens behind all closed doors as I saw my grandparents do it, waiting for 'a friend' to leave their presence and then cutting them down to shreds, deluding myself that I was better than that because I would not so OBVIOUSLY do such a thing, but would go about it in a more refined way, choosing my words carefully as to not be exposed as a gossiper but as a caring worried friend that had their best outcome at heart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my words irresponsibly, carelessly, just for my own energetic rushes that would always leave me with mixed feelings as I failed to realize that every judgement is just Self judgement and that whatever I could see in another I could only see, and assume because it existed in me, as me and I preferred to point it out in them as them than facing Me, standing up in Self responsibility to Change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and events in my mind of facts that happened so I could tell 'my side of the story' which was just that, a story that I made up in alignment with the Characters I tried to protect and defend, whose existence I believed to be my own existence as me, as who I really am and for fearing losing my identity as a personality, a Character that I failed to see was never Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the gossips I spread would come up and that I would have to face my absolute lack of respect for other human beings, One and Equal to me, just to protect my own identity as The Non Gossiper, the One Above Gossiping so I could keep on Gossiping and get away with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my gossiping, the damages I created in other people's lives as in the gossiping I was exposing their Characters that I had sworn to support and uphold through the game of friendship as they swore to support and uphold mine so we could keep on pretending to be separate, and not One and Equal and stand to stop this Self destructive game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't know how to stop the gossiping because I don't know what is the right thing to say to not engage in gossip as a way to get close to someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no right thing to say, unless it is a Character looking for its script that is posing the question, and that when I will be faced with the chance, opportunity, desire to gossip I can stop, breathe and speak in the Here moment according to my Self Directive Principle of no longer participating in Gossiping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn onto the worldwide gossiping scene, through magazine and gossip news, when I tried to kick the habit, moving into gossiping about movie stars and public figures, believing that there is no harm in that since I do not know them and they do not know me, failing to see that it is not about them in any way, or about people that I do not know as in the direct damage I can cause, it is about me and who I accept and allow myself to be within the desire to diminish others and be happy about their failures just so that I can feel better about myself and my poor excuse for a life, as I switch from One Character to another while I fail to be Here in and as Breath and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to be Here in and as Breath and for not consistently remind myself to Breathe and earth myself instead of getting lost in and as The Mind and the Characters I play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself within gossiping, accepting and allowing myself to believe that some gossips are better and less harmful than others, instead of just stopping my internal commentary, breathing, reminding myself every time I see any movement or reaction or judgement about another being that it is Self in front of me and that I no longer allow myself to participate in thinking or speaking or moving in self judgement and externalized self judgement toward another as I stand in Self Correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

Tomorrow will follow with Self Corrective and Self Commitment Statements

Day 28: Hosting Friends and Hang Ups

This is actually a real picture of me and a friend I had in Hong Kong, a good friend.

I mean good friend still in the sense of the ones 'that make you feel good', I was a 'feel good friend ' too, most of the time, I treasured the idea that having a Relationship, being friends with someone, is All about "Feeling Good" with Them, I have spent a Life investing in Good/Bad Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions, which means I have actually wasted my Life up to now and invested in what was not Real.

Feelings and Emotions are not Real, hence I was not Real, nor was anyone else involved with me in the same Investment Plan.

In this picture of myself I see the sadness of my eyes, it was a usual Sunday Brunch in HK, lots of drinking and lots of feeling good, meaning, lots of Self abuse through and through , to the Physical through alchol and to the Physical through the Mind as Feelings and Emotions.

Since I came back to Italy I have had some friends visiting, it was clear that they id not come to visit me but just because it was a place to stay, I happened to be here.

Tomorrow another friend is coming, she is coming specifically to visit me, she is not happening here nor will I, it's meant as a visit, which is the first novelty in my hosting, the first two were males, she will be the first girlfriend I host.

It's been a different to host males and females friends in my mind, when I had males as guests, I worried less, I feared less their judgements about how I keep the house, how I cook and how I organize things.

Tomorrow my first female friend comes, I have been anxious about getting organized, looking around for things to do with her, wanting to give her the 'perfect experience' of Italy, which is quite hard since I'm not even having it myself.

I have changed, and I fear I may not be able to relate or that I will fall back into patterns of behavior and personalities to be able to relate.

This is another point between hosting my male friends to whom I felt no need to relate, how could we ? I have never 'related' to a man even when I had male friends, understanding that they are just 'different', I have a belief that men are 'less demanding' based on assumptions in my mind, ideas and memories of having almost never heard men complain and criticize others as much as women, but since I joined Desteni I have realized there is no difference in fact, we all share a Secret Mind, they are just less outspoken about it, maybe they even fear the judgement of their own criticising and complaining, while women got over that as the pressure cooker that is the Mind became simply uncontainable. It was actually a relief to find out men were not better or worse than women are, we are just all equally fucked in and as the Mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire friends like I used to have to share feelings and emotions as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having friends from the past visiting because I don't know if I will be tempted to walk backward or if I will be able to stand in and as the Change I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that without feelings and emotions I won't be able to enjoy myself even though I have seen that emotions and feelings as reactions were never real enjoyment but an energy game we all play and participate in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that men are easier than women, better than women until they are worse than women, instead of seeing we are Equals as Life and temporarily just in 2 different physical expressions of gender

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot nor I need to relate to a man, because they are different, instead of seeing we are Equals and possibly share the same issues from two different sides, which doesn't make them different at all, but equally fucked up in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious about hosting a friend in fear of her judgement that I don't do everything perfectly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do everything perfectly as a way to give value and worth to myself because I have separated myself from My Self as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can and must acquire Worth for myself because I am not good enough without Externally Granted Worthiness and within this I forgive myself for believing I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to prove something to somebody in my life to uphold an image of myself of the past that I no longer fit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that we may have little to say to each other just because I relate my emotional participation in and as life to communicating instead of seeing that real communication can only happen when thoughts, emotions and feelings are not involved so that the moment can truly be a moment of Self Expression here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my past participation with friends as a reactive machine, in it for my fixes of energy and not to really be and share myself with another human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past participation with friends as BAD, due to the extende of energy maniuplation that was involved as I lived in and as the Mind and not Here in and as the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I no longer know who I am because I am shedding personalities and I lack the scripts to behave in my 'usual ways' instead of seeing that today for example a friend came to visit and we had the best chat we had in many years because I was self honest and that led her to be self honest as well and we both benefited equally from the exchange, beyond energy games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without emotions and feelings my life is empty and not Real, when I can see clearly from the picture I posted that my life was empty and not real before, because I was never real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my expression to a roller coaster of emotions and feelings that run me and my words and my life, instead of standing up for myself in Self Expression to stop the bullshit called friendship limited to energy plays to uphold ideas and beliefs about our treasured personalities as Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I miss interactions with friends as the ones I had, when it is clear to me now that I have never in fact had a real interaction with anyone because to have real interactions I should have been real, and I was not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise myself for all the fakeness and bullshit I have participated in as personalities of myself as the Mind preventing myself from living and experiencing myself beyond the limiting world of emotions and feelings as energy fixes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the dis-honesty of friendship allowing myself to live a world of gossips in my secret mind about them, proving to myself and then believing that I could not be trusted which led me to not trust anyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and for believing I was not trustworthy, while I see that when I am out of the Mind I can actually move effectively to learn to trust myself Breath by Breath to build myself into a real Human Being, stopping my Pinocchio Puppet Life, where the strings that moved me were self disegned thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have embedded into my body and that ended up creating and manifesting network of systems that Moved Me instead of Me Moving Myself as the Self Directive principle of Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others as friends, by making them special to guarantee that I could have easier access to the energy fixes I craved and needed, as me, as the Mind, as Ego, instead of making the whole world my friend and a friendly place for myself and the generations to come so we may All experience Life on Earth in Oneness and Equality and stop our existence of separation in and as the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into making someone 'special', I stop, breathe, remind myself that 'special' is a way of separating the special ones from the non special, while everyone in this world is Self and worthy of Life as me in Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself move or about to move into any kind of reaction and about to speak to a friend from such reactive place, I stop, Breathe, bring myself back Here, check that I am not reacting before I express myself and only then I allow myself to speak

When and as I see myself move into Anxiety or about to move into anxiety because I have a friend visiting, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that is the anxiety of my fear of my own judgements of me as a Hostess, as I would like to be seen as perfect and faultless, I stop, remind myself that I open my home asking and expecting nothing in return, as this is what I would like to receive and I have made the decision to give as I would like to receive and so in no expectations or desires to be fulfilled, there can be no points of conflict within or without.

I commit myself to learn effective and self honest communication by breathing always before I speak, abandoning all scripts, beliefs and ideas and memories of what a friendship should be or look like, so I may see all as equals to me and deserving of what I would like to receive, self honest relationships that are not Mind and Energy based but based on the foundation of Life as Breath and What is best for All that I myself start by giving unconditionally to others.

Day 22: Rotten Fruits - Sugar Granny and Sugar GrandDad

One way I was aware things were not right within my family were secrets. Secrets become burdens, I was burdened as a child, I was keeping everyone's secrets, the small and the big ones, I was always asked 'don't tell.....', and I wouldn't tell.

One thing I was not supposed to tell, was the amount of sugar I had access to when staying at my grandparents, we would go shopping at the supermarket and I would have free reign to fill the cart with ALL the candies and sweets I wanted, this way after lunch or dinner, I would sit quietly on the couch going through my packs of candies while my grandparents watched what they liked on TV, I would be excluded from having a say on what I would have liked to do or watched on TV because I had already been given a treat, the sugar, and I wanted ongoing access to this treat, funny I just misspelled the word treat as threat, they are just one 'H' away, when I look at the H it looks like a stair, and it looks like a bond of two 'I" joined together yet kept at a lenght, so a threat is a treat that threatens the Ego, while the treat is a treat that soothes the Ego, it only lacks the conflicting Egos, the 'I's as they have found one common ground, a compromise, a way of treating each other, a Treaty in the shared Mind Conflicts, A Treat.

So, what is the threat behind the treat ?

The treat is the undeclared threat about what not to do, you shouldn't be asking anything, you should be compliant, pleasing, in your place, appreciative of the Egos of the owners of the House and grateful, you should be keeping the secrets of what goes on inside this particular household, do not tell another that gossips is going on about them, sugar is to shut our mouth, to give us the sweetness that is taken away in the trade for sugar, the loss of Self, of the pieces we trade in suppression that leave us bitter and angry and then the sugar comes in as a compensation.

I took to the sugar extensively, I asked my mum today and she told me, we never had much sugar at home, so my sugar Highs happened mostly out of Home, with the money my other grandfather gave me and I could hide because they were 'a secret between me and him', childhoods are spoilt either by money or sugar or both as a reward system, I would see the sugar point mostly as the rubber tape on my mouth, this is the image that comes up, and while I stuffed myself with sugar, my family's secret rotted and festered inside of me and I rotted and festered with them in my own self judgement of my disloyalty and corruption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade sugar for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bribed by sugar as a treat so as to never become a threat to the family fake balance made of lies and personality play outs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep secrets suppressed about what was going on and the comments made for which I did not stand up in exchange for sugar and treats

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe life was bitter and I had to sweeten it with sugar and treats

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel dirty and heavy due to the secrets I agreed to carry to not upset anyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade my self honesty for candies and for a reward system that started with sweetening my perceived bitterness of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask my grandparents to stop the gossiping that weighted on me because I feared I would no longer have access to their treats and their love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sugar and food to loving instead of seeing the bribery and manipulation of the reward system that I have lived one and equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be accepted and for this desire accepting to give myself up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as long as I had enough everything was fine with my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare the sweetness of sugar to other foods and for preferring sugar to other more nutritional foods that were supportive for my body because I was after a high

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high on sugar trying to leave behind the conflicts of me as the Mind that made me feel Low

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of Highs and Lows, fearing the Lows while wishing for the Highs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept Life as simplicity here in and as Breath because I was always looking for the next fix to feel High

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Sugar until my body gave in under the Abuse and manifested brain problems in the form of  inflammation of the cortex for which I had to take pharmacological tablets for a year or more (while I still ate sugar in hiding)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body with sugar until I had my appendix removed due to inflammation of my guts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally and being in a constant state of anger and disapproval of myself that  I wished to sweeten up with all the sugar I could get my hands on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not control myself with sugar because I liked the way it made me feel as a compensation for a life of misery that I myself created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to binge on sugar no matter what my body tried to tell me in oh so many ways about how I as the body felt when I introduced excessive amounts of sugar in my system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because I was unable to control myself regarding my use of sugar , even when I felt sick and sickened by it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat sugar in secret in fear I would not be allowed to eat such large amounts and I would have to get to feel lousy as a result of not having access to such extensive amounts of sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when the school doctor told me I was fat and asked my mum when did I start to get fat, because I felt ugly for being fat and I stuffed myself with sugar to forget about what I felt when he said 'you are Fat'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fat and for vomiting after I overloaded with sugar in certain occasion in fear of the manifested consequences of my sugar addiction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my eating disorders on my family instead of seeing it was not the eating disorders of my family eating me away but the mental and emotional patterns they have passed on and that I have accepted and allowed as me, as who I am, that led me to the same behaviours of suppression through food and sweets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my secret eating disorders that I did not want to disclose to anyone, not even with my friends who came and told me They had eating disorders, a point I dismissed for them as 'you are just having a good time' , because I feared having to look at the truth of my own eating disorders and why I was suppressing myself with food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food and sugar as a buffer between me and men because I did not want to have to face being attractive and what I would do with that power with the kind of mindset I lived one and equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting a job, because a job will get me slim again and then I will have to face this point of suppression about men and Relationships that I was not ready to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a relationship and for suppressing this desire with food because I no longer think I am worthy of one and  do anything to prove i am not starting with making myself unattractive (which is a point of worthiness) through food and sweets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that attractiveness, meaning my ability to lure men into a sexual and emotional  trap, makes me worthy, instead of accepting me as Self Worth Here in Every Moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress me as Life with Food and Sugar, forbidding my self expression as I accepted the suppression pattern as a child when I accepted my first sugar bribe in exchange for me as Life Here in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring food as a way to escape or to suppress something I feel or think about, I stop, look in self honesty at what am I trying to suppress and address it self honestly in writing and self forgiveness and correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to justify why it would be Ok for me to eat when I am in fact not hungry, I stop, look at what pattern I am trying or planning to try to stuff down with food, sit down, write it out and if I cannot, I speak it out loud until I start to clearly see what bothers me in self honesty so I can address it when I can in writing, apply self forgiveness and correct myself

I commit myself to find ways to support my body with food as what is best for both, Mind and Body, as the Mind is not my enemy and the Body is my Support and together we can work and stand for What is Best for me, meaning in giving myself the support I would like to receive, and What is Best for All

I commit myself to investigate all my Food Patterns until I can stand clear about Food as me as Support, and no longer separate myself from Food as Support, making of Food an Enemy or a Partner in crime against me as the Body

I commit myself to no longer make anyone else responsible for the way I eat and support myself and to Stand in and as Unconditional Support of myself and others Equal and One for What is best for All.