Monday, July 16, 2012

Post 91: The Memory Dealer - Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

From yesterday Blog and the self realization of how I have used memories to put others and myself back into Character/into 'my/their place' according to what I meant to obtain in support and validation of myself as a Character of and within the Mind.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that memories as pictures are actually thoughts, and when I feed others the picture of a moment in time, I am feeding them a thought that will lead to emotions and feelings that together with the thought belong and define A specific Character I want them to play as I do not want to move out of my own Character from which I am not dealing the 'memories/thoughts' from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I felt ashamed of my mother and what I saw clearly that she was trying to do To Me, by offering a range of memories as thoughts that I should/could have engaged so as to not upset her Character and convene that she was in fact right, instead of seeing and realizing I was ashamed of myself for having seen and realized in that very moment of her showing me how it's done, how I have in fact done this all my life to everybody as me when I felt threatened that I could be confronted as a Character and that I would have to step out of it and Change

I forgive myself for feeling guilty the next day after having this commotion with my mum as I saw that I myself have lived a life in which I have deliberately crucified people to their past as memory/thoughts, believing that guilt will excuse my behavior and that feeling guilty is 'good enough' so I don't have to address this Character in depth and let go of my chance to pile up and use ammo against others when I feel Character threatened and as I see fit, just to preserve myself into the Character that I have chosen to embody through my own participation in memories as thoughts that activate me as a Character of the Mind for which I would fight for, even though this Character is NOT Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even though I saw that I was not always the same Character throughout my Life or with different people, still assume and believe that the Characters I played had any value because I wanted to be real and like the Characters I played, and I did not know who I was when I was not in Character/playing a Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Stepping Out of Character with Loved Ones, because I feared that I would lose the support of my Mother, in the specific, instead of realizing that unless I do step out of Character I don't give her a chance to step out of her character, and while I pretend to do this for Love, I only do it out of Fear as I fear losing myself as the Character I can see I have to step out from which is 'The Daughter for whom the Opinion of her mother is Important but she pretends it's not'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Opinions Matter, even though I have seen and realized and understood that Opinions belong to Characters that I play, and that are NOT real, and that fighting to uphold opinions, mine or of someone else, means I am in Character and not Here in and as Breath were thoughts are NOT engaged and so  I do not step into a Character that holds an array of irrelevant opinions that when I am in Character I believe are important

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see how memories are in fact the thoughts that come up in picture form, as I saw the other day when I slowed myself down enough while my mum talked, and I saw how I could have stepped into any of these pictures/memories/thoughts and into a whole Character and in that moment I saw what I have been doing to others as myself, holding them prisoners of memories as thoughts/pictures so I could keep them in Character, blaming them for not letting me go, let me break free, while all the time it was me holding myself prisoner of my mind through memories/pictures/thoughts that delivered me straight into Characters, that fought for their life and their right to be free to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was 'a Freedom Seeker' as a Character that I have made up to project outward my desire to break free from myself as the mind, yet failing to see that as a Character I can only Create other Characters, the Freedom that I sought and fought for was just another Character play of my 'Freedom Seeker Character' which I created in separation of myself as Freedom Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the Words
Do you remember...
You said...
You told me once...
Last time I saw you...
I'll never forget the time...
I never said, did, thought ...
I thought you said/thought/meant...
as introductory lines to what I will be serving next, which is a memory as a thought, to establish the placement of a Character I wish to engage that I know engages with me in specific ways I feel comfortable with, so I do not have to face my fear to Change and let go of my Character play once and for all, to allow myself to expand, breathe and finally Live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire isolation because parts of me had become too aware of this Character play and I perceived myself as lost between Characters that I did not know how to turn off or stop, as they were obviously ruling my life with my own permission and blessing, failing to see that the reason why I started All this Character Play was so as to not have to take responsibility for myself, and so every time I blamed someone/something outside of me for something I did not want to be responsible for, which was ME, I split myself into a Character to whom I myself gave power over me by stating She/Character was the one who did it, while I was not aware or looking, and since She/Character had power over me while I was not aware or looking, every time I was not aware or looking all the 'Shes/Characters' I had created would have a field day taking over me as The Mind while I felt abused and victimized and failed to see it was all my own doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life in which I pretended to be alive while I let every Character I created take over my mind by activating them deftly through the recalling of a memory/thought that could bring up a whole set of Character-istics I would not have to think about, because I had stated clearly what each character was in charge of, which was whatever was the point that originally created the Character as my way of not taking responsibility for 'that point', and in this delegation galore, I had no Air Time for myself left to breathe, while my Characters competed for Life, for me as Life, as I sat back besotted and bruised everytime I came out of a Character play just to assess the damages and the consequences I would now have to walk, hopefully through another Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Consequences are bad as they come after having made a mistake, which is bad, and so when I realized I was ONLY living the consequences of my life and nothing else I saw no reason or desire to live and I wished I could in fact die and get it over with, instead of seeing and realizing that consequences are not good or bad, as I am not good or bad, nothing is good or bad, it is what it is, and if I in Self Honesty can see that my Life needs to change and I have to change to allow this change to happen, than all the miss-takes I made have been useful as they brought me to the point of self realization and the will to take self responsibility for myself and stand as Self Directive principle for myself and What is best for All for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop dealing in memories as pictures/thoughts that I offer to others to keep them and myself in Character, when and as I see the desire to use one of my delivering sentences that I have identified will be followed by a memory/thought/ I stop, breathe, check in self honesty what it is that I feel threatened by and remind myself anything threatening is a threat to the existence of a Character and therefore Not real, so I breathe myself back Here until I am stable before I share anything with someone

I commit myself to investigate the memories that flash through my mind as thoughts that I see I was about or moving to consider to use against another to keep them and myself in Character, to check what is the Character I was wishing to embody and why, and what are the Characteristics of that Character I have separated myself from and believed I can only live through a Character and not as myself s Life Here in every moment of Breath and use that moment to gather information to dismantle that Character through which I have separated myself from until the memory/thought no longer  flashes through my mind

I commit myself to stop my belief and fear that Consequences are bad, since Consequences is all I have at the moment to walk until I get myself out of the Mind as the Con-sequence generator, instead I take the Consequences as a point I can use  to support myself to walk a path of self correction, having brought into my Life the clear result of what was the consequential path of each character I have lived and embodied and reminding myself each moment why it is necessary that we stop this excuse of an existence to embrace ourselves as Life in Oneness and Equality

I commit myself to stop all judgements about my Characters that stand in the way of my seeing clearly what is going on when I step into a Character or when I see myself desiring to Step into a Character through the flashing of memories/picture presentations of distorted moments of the past that seem so inviting yet I can clearly recall for each moment the consequential side of what they offer as alluring, so I can stop my existence in and as a Character and return myself to Life in and as Breathe for myself and All of existence Equal and One

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