Yesterday through something that happened with my mum, plus my chat with one of my Buddies today, I saw a point I have been circlying around that I touched on in my yesterday Blog but somehow missed completely.
I should take the freaking 'somehow' out, because I know' how' the 'some how' in fact happened, as it is a point I don't want to face, in fact I loathe facing this point, which is why I am anticipating the writing of my Blog and tomorrow I will dedicate it to my assignment, because I am sure I will come up with some clever dream or some diversion to not in fact write about this.
The point of the Character that Hates Self Responsibility.
This is one big Character of mine, I know because it has a cover up, a clever one, the Character who loves Responsibilities.
In my job I have always excelled in talking responsibility, for everything, for my staff, for external events, for not foreseeing what could happen to a cargo, to the production at the factory, to the health of one of my staff, I am a 360 degrees responsibility freak, I thrive on it and feel good about it.
Everyone can always rely on me at work because I get things done, I am VERY responsible.
But my private secret life has always been the opposite of this, a life of self abuse and absolute lack of self responsibility, when I smoked pot as a way of life, I would have to force myself to not blaze as first thing in the morning on Saturday or I would miss the market and would not shop for the week, I would not go to bed to get enough sleep even when I had an important day ahead of me if I was into one of my self destructive spyrals, it was like myself and my Life was in fact someone else responsibility, not clear whose in the specific, especially when I lived abroad, I tried to make my ex husband responsible for me, then when he did not give in we hired a helper, and I made her responsible for 'taking care of me'.
I took on the Money responsibility, I would bring home the bread and butter, she took on the household responsibility and the responsibility for me, for my diet, for my washing, ironing, basically, I got myself a wife., which I have always perceived inside the relationship I have seen as the 'responsible one' as well as in the one that gets 'the blame', having equated responsibility with blame.
One point that I see that paid out in my NOT wanting to take responsibility for myself that I have glazed over, is the point of Blame, the confusion and miss-take I made to connect Blame and responsibility and since Blame made me feel Guilty, I did not want to participate in Blame OR Responsibility.
Never mind being responsible for the World as Me, that was not even close to Home until recently, but the point of my job and my resistences showed this Character again, I wanted my mum to be responsible for me, somehow. I know because yesterday when the Money point was unleashed I felt tired and aggravated , and not lightened up by suddenly seeing I had the power to move that I connected to Money, NO, suddenly I felt the responsibility of no longer having any excuse to not get going with my Life and become Self Directive regarding the job/work point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself To create a Character that enjoys responsibility of the Outer Business World as a way to prove to myself that I am in fact a Responsible Human Being and not question my absolute past lack of Self Responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself about being Responsible when my private/secret life showed me I was anything but, and regardless of the abuses that went on in my Life after office Hours, I still mantained myself as Responsible just because I was Responsible at work and making good Money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that making Money makes me Responsible even when I have not stood up to stop my existence as Self Abuse and as an Abuser of Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT make Money now so that I could NOT engage this Character of Responsibility and I would have to notice the underlining One that Loathes Self Responsibility without his partner in crimes as Cover Up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I only learn 'the hard way' because through this belief that I myself have created to give value to my 'hard lived experiences as lessons' then I have to live out 'the hard way' as I create it for myself to live through my own beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see The Responsibility of My Words and for desiring to Not Take responsibility for my Words given the utter bullshit I have spoken and thought in my Life and for never seeing any connection between my words and beliefs and the Characters I lived out and then lived me out while I stood as the NON Responsibility for My Words
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good and proud because I believed I was responsible because I brought Home Money that I could then give to someone who I made responsible for myself and taking care of me because I believed I was not good at taking care of myself as a way to justify why I did not want to become a Self Responsible Human Being and start taking care of Myself in and as Self Response-Ability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I could trick anyone into believing I was Responsible because I took on every flying Responsibility during my office hours, then I could trick myself into the delusion that I was Self Responsible and nothing else was required of me having done my 10 to 12 hours of work in absolute Responsibility disregarding absolutely my Self Responsibility toward myself and what went on inside of me and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become while standing in and as a Not Self Responsible Human Being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the way I felt, thought and spoke on 'someone else' so I would not have to feel the responsibility of My Words as a weight and something I would have to do something about through becoming Self responsible in stopping my existence as Words that did not support Life from which I separated myself while I did not take Self Responsibility for them as Me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my Self Responsibility because I feared that Self Responsibility would lead me to have to become Self Responsible about myself and my participation in the world as part of the problem and I did not want such responsibility for sure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend years looking for external reasons and causes regarding my inability to become Self Responsible and the Care Taker of myself and within this accepting and allowing myself to blame 'something out there' for having turned out the way I did as a non Self Responsible Human Being, instead of seeking inside of myself what I had accepted and allowed myself to become through my irresponsible participation in the World as part of the problem and not part of the solution
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated as soon as I perceived someone trying to "make me responsible" for something that was not work related and for entering this defensive mode that would turn into retaliation to show them that I was right and they were wrong and They were in fact the cause of what it was going on and not me as I would fight nail and tooth to NOT take responsibility for myself, my thoughts, words and deeds
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word responsibility to Failure, meaning that when someone said or implied according to my interpretation that it was my responsibility/fault about something and I would see the opportunity for Guilt opening up, I would shut down from even hearing what another had to say to try and avoid entering the Guilty state of Mind for which I blamed the other having used the word Responsibility=Blame toward me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a way to communicate to each other in which all words have become distorted and loaded with personal charges, meanings and interpretations, so that I have reduced myself to never ever having had a real conversation with anyone, but a series of gulps and gasps intermitted with my own reactions that I would become too busy trying to suppress to even hear what another was saying, always blaming the other inside of myself for the way 'they made me feel' failing to take responsibility=power for my own reactions and movements so I could stop them and self correct and put an end to the Blame/Guilt/Shame game
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loathe self responsibility because within this point of Responsibility=Blame=Guilt Shame arises, in which I feel like I have failed to deliver an acceptable performance for whatever was required of me, to the point that I ended up isolating myself so I would not have to be challenged and would not have to face reactions and what goes on inside of me while I interact with another, for which I would have to take responsibility/blame/guilt/shame I did not want or wanted to participate in, failing to see I was giving up my power to stand one and equal to my reactions and as the change required to stop my existence as reactions of thoughts, emotions and feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Self responsibility=Blame/Guilt and Shame, failing to see that this was MY OWN Self Created association within me as The Mind, that I have never cleared out before by forgiving myself for having participated in blame, guilt and shame and believing these feelings to be who I really am, instead of seeing and realizing I am NOT the Blame/Guilt and Shame I felt and believed to be me in connection with Self Responsibility and that emotions and feelings are NOT real and I do not define myself or limit myself any longer through and as emotions and feelings for which I FOR-GIVE MYSELF
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty yesterday when it became clear to me that once I sold the house I would no longer have ties to Italy and immediately considered how could I survive not becoming self responsible but finding ways to live off the money not considering that when I would have the money, I would have nothing left, meaning not a place to stay that is paid for nor a house for my old age and that I was not thinking in terms of becoming self responsible but within the Character "I Loathe Self Responsibility' which always comes up with stupid short term solutions that I have followed in self delusion, including the one that I could manifest Money from thin air like Abraham Hicks said, which proved to be total utter bullshit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loathe this Character that is linked with my Entitlement Character, that believes that I am special and therefore I don't have to work for a living because Grandma told me so when I was a kid and I believed she would be the one taking responsibility for my life and me until she died, and I saw that I did not have enough to stop working so I set off to manifest Money and prove that Law of Attraction worked, which it did not, and I ended up where I started which was, having to face the point of becoming Self Responsible for my Life and Myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had a right to be entitled to an easy life just by the birth lottery I had participated in while others would have to suck it up, because they had not chosen or deserved what I had in terms of the chances I had which I wasted while I embodied my Entitlement Character and my Self Irresponsible Character, believing that my future was assured and I would not have to worry about it as long as I sucked up to my grandparents which I did, only to discover that they too like the Catholics did not pay off their promises to uplift me out of the Misery all of us have to face as the World Systems we have accepted and allowed to manifest as a consequence of our Desire to experience ourselves as More than Me and More than Here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money is the tool to shift Self responsibility because I bought into this System where the Rich never face any con-sequence for their actions and so I resolved 'I want to be rich and not face the con-sequences of my thoughts/words and deeds', failing to see that within this desire and belief I lived as support to the World system where noone is taking responsibility for their thoughts, words and deeds if they have enough Money to buy their way out of the reality they have created but do not wish to experience, just like myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not experience the reality I have created and molded for myself and for which I wish to blame others/external circumstances, instead of seeing and realizing that unless I stand in self responsibility I give up my power to matter and whatever I do becomes immaterial and unsubstantial, because I myself have decided to not matter when I abdicated my Self Responsibility toward what matters and the matters at hand to follow my self designed delusions of my mind about walking away from it all and never having to experience this Creation as me and what was the outflow of our separation from Oneness and Equality and Everything that Matters in and as The Physical World
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my Character that doesn't want to be Self Responsible with a cover up as the Character that is always responsible so as to never question why I was leading a soap opera life of my own creation, in which I had become aware that people and events were on a repeat mode just with different clothes and scenarios, yet I willed myself to not see the repetitiveness of my Life or I would have to question, is this happening for real, again, Am I Real, and would have to answer that yes I was looping and yes I was NOT Real so I must be looping into my own delusions of my own Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I feel emptied by Self Forgiveness and I have no energy charges moving me, I have to experience a sense of Loss, for what I no longer experience that I believed and lived as if it was Real and since I have not yet applied myself consistently to become accustomed to how Life "feels like' without feelings and emotions and reactions that move me into action, I perceive the loss of myself as parts of myself that were automated and self governing are no longer around to tell me what to do and how to do it and I am forced to learn to stand as a Self Directive principle of myself which is something I have not given myself the time to become accustomed to but I have seen for now as weird and puzzling, not realizing it's a process and I will have to walk myself diligently into and as Self Directive Principle before being Self Directive becomes something that accumulates into the new reality of me as Self Directive Principle of and as My Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not know what to do unless my Mind guides me, even though as a task manager I should have fired My mind long ago given the outcome of my Life and all the messy situations I have found myself in while I lived on demented autopilot, yet I have a desire to still be guided and coached into action as a way to not have to take full self responsibility for how I experience myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to suppress and hide and deny the desire for autopilot living, just because this is what I have become used to and have accepted and believed to be Life, instead of seeing and realizing that I have not done well as part of the problem of this autopiloted existence and that standing in and self responsibility is my chance to take my Power Back and Matter, and that I am not losing or giving up something by releasing myself from autopilot existence but an illusion and delusion that I was cared about and for by something greater than Me, which had proved to not have my best interest or the best interest of All at heart and so should NOT be leading this dance into utter destruction and to stop this point I HAVE to become Self Responsible and commit myself to do so and walk as the Directive Principle for myself and What is Best for All as Life and all of existence, Equal and One
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the Character of Loathing Self Responsibility in an attempt to lead and sway myself out of facing myself and how I am experiencing myself, I stop, Breathe, bring myself back Here and look in self honesty at what it is that I am trying to avoid and address it through Self Forgiveness and Self corrective statements
When and as I see myself moving into the Responsible Character as a way to not see the underlining movement of me as the One that Loathes Self Responsibility, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to use the diversion of perceived external responsibilities to not look at what it is that is moving inside of me and why and investigate what is going on with me to address it in and as Self Correction in Self Responsibility
I commit myself to stop my perceived loathing for Self Responsibility, as I realize it's only a Mind projection of the Fear of the emotions that may arise for feeling responsible/blameful/gulty/shame-full, I see and realize that I have applied self forgiveness for having connected self responsibility to the emotions of blame/guilt/shame and that being self responsible doesn't mean to move into an emotional reaction but to be Self Response-Able, owning up to any reaction that I have inside of me and clearing it/them through self forgiveness and self corrective application and then moving in and as Self Direction for and as What Needs to Be Done
I commit myself to become Self Responsible for every movement inside of me and to stop my participation in and as reactions related to Self Responsibility, which is NOT Blame, but a movement of empowerment through my own equalization with a moment in which I was about to abdicate my responsibility, as power to self direct, to me as the Mind, instead of standing as Self Responsibility as Life as What is best for All for myself and All of existence Equal and One
I commit myself to stand as Self Directive principle in Absolute Self Responsibility through walking this path of Self Correction in Self Honesty, until Self responsibility as Self Directive Principle is WHO I AM in every moment of Breath