Saturday, July 21, 2012

Day 96 - Me as Arrogance - Childhood/Early Teenage Years

For context see Yesterday's Post - Childhood years

Like the point of being a Tiger Tamer and  Defender of The Oppressed, none of which was true, during my primary/secondary school, according to the Italian system, which means around 13 years of age, I was the Math teacher's pet and considered a Math Genius.
My math teacher was a nun, as I spent many years with the Catholic private education, 4 at kindergarten as they took me in at 2 because my mum was busy working, 5 for primary and 3 for the primary/secondary, all private schooling.
While I was in primary school my mum worked in the building facing our school courtyard, she was the only parent that was so close and she would look for me in the courtyard from the window shout at me 'little muse' smiling and waved at me, this became annoying as I grew up as I felt 'watched' and not free to move.
Generally I had a few reasons to feel like the odd kid at kindergarten and primary school, my mum would be the last to come and pick me up due to work, so I was always the last to leave school and had to sit trough the Latin praying time, I had a black doll given to me by my flower child father - as a bridge to non-racism- for whom the nuns would knit woolen  clothes, I had access to secret money and I was always told 'I could do more'.
This 'could do more' was a trait in my life, I knew I could, I just did not want to, I always did the minimum to survive, yet the message was that I was more intelligent than my results at school, a secret weapon that I could decide to use or not, this was about how much freedom I believe I had, only the freedom to 'not do too well at school'.
In primary secondary, when we were introduced to more complicated math, I used to actually see the numbers playing up in my head, this happened in primary as well, I could see the results developing in my mind, I can't explain how or why it happened but Math was the easiest thing for me once I got the hang of the abstract point of it all, an ability I lost with growing up, when math was no longer as magical and as self resolving in my mind the more I tried to understand why and how I was able to do what I did.
So in secondary school, while I diligently flew under the Merit radar, one day I replied too fast to a 'what's the root number' question. It had seemed just so obvious since we were authorized to use the tables, it meant running my finger on a line to the root number, a very underwhelming feat, yet as I was the first one I got to reply a very high score AND the label as a Math Genius. I tried to explain that it really was nothing to everyone, even my mum, yet when everybody seemed so proud of me I hang on to the title for good.
During primary/secondary I was not too arrogant, I was the class clown, I spent my days high on sugar from the candies I bought at the school shop run by the nuns, one girl wrote a poem for me titled the clown that ended with, 'in the evening the clown cries and melts his mask', I was very disturbed about this as I wondered where did she pick up the clue of my existential sadness, was I not a good clown ?
Primary/secondary went by with no major events, apart from one point that stands out, which is how bad my lunch boxes were compared to the ones of the other kids. My mum worked full time, in the evening she kept and balanced  the books for the coffee Company my grandma worked for or she had typing assignments that she took home to make extra money, she did not have the time to cook delicious meals for me to pack in my lunch box, instead she would send me to school with packed cheese or salami and a fruit or something similar, in my eyes this was a point of diminishment as I related the good delicious hand made food of the other kids when lunch time came and all of us opened our lunch boxes, to the love of their mums and used this point to not feel loved or cared for properly..
So, as I was already angry as a kid for comparing myself to my mum, judging her as 'good and caring' and myself as 'bad and selfish' I added this point to balance things out 'you don't care for me properly' and kept compounding anger that I would suppress because I wanted to be 'good' and not 'bad'.
Meanwhile I moved up to high school, my mum decided that since I was a Math Genius because this resulted from the attitudinal tests as well, I should have a chance to enter the scientific private high school system, which cost an enormous amount of money for which she was willing to sacrifice.
When I entered school I was back at primary, among rich kids who displayed rich kids clothes and attitudes, while I felt like a pariah, not up to the task of even being there.
The teachers changed for every topic, no longer in the cocooned Catholic world where Math and Science were taught together, or English, Italian and History by the same teacher resulting in not having to face many different personalities, here every hour a new teacher would step in with a new subject.
Technical Drawing I could not even understand it, Greek and Latin were hard, Math went to a level that I could not comprehend while I was going through all these emotions and feelings of inadequacy, that later built up into more arrogance so I could believe I was MORE and not LESS than others, until I stopped going to school altogether and went to the neighboring park instead with a rich girlfriend that I knew from years back from my holidays at the sea where she had a villa.
Her mother would allow us to stay at their home when we missed school, considering it was winter, every day I pretended to go to school and did not, until my mum found out 3 months later.
That's when she told me to go and stay with my grandmother or she would have killed me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the odd kid at kindergarden and primary because my mum came to pick me up later than any other parents and for believing I was not loved like the other kids, even though the point that my mum had to work was clear to me, so I believed this as a choice, to victimize myself and build my Self Pity Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to sit through the Latin prayers, because I could not understand what they were saying and I was afraid to repeat them in case it was something I should not be saying at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel special because my mum would call me 'little mouse' and wave to me from the window, only to resent it years later when I was around 11 and 12 and I wanted to run around the courtyard with the boys who were pulling up our skirts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated when one day one of the nuns punished me for the 'pulling up the skirt game' by asking me to lie on her knees and then spanking me in front of the whole class and I associated playing with men as something bad that one could be punished for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel too guilty to tell my mother because I believed that it was my fault as noone else got punished but me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sexuality and punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body with sugar and candies as a way to suppress the emotions and feelings I felt in the classroom we shared with boys that I could not explain or make sense of and I did not want to talk about it in fear of being punished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my mother to a conservative, self righteous stance and for assuming she could not be told certain things that I ended up keeping as suppressed secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was special because the nuns knitted woolen clothes for my doll and I thought they did it out of pity because I was always the last kid to leave the school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was always the last kid leaving school and even the nuns took pity on me, I was a victim and my mum was an abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never do all that I could do and for using my secret weapon of flying below the Merit Line as my way to rebel, feel free and spite my mum

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since not doing all I could at school was my priviledge and my only choice at that age, I should take full advantage of it and drag my feet through the education system so I would show them all who was boss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I did not enjoy school, when in fact I did not enjoy how I experienced myself at school and it had nothing to do with the school but with me and what was going on inside of me as what I believed to be Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear when my mum would go for the 'Teacher's Chats' to see how I was doing because I knew I was just shuffling my feet and never doing my best as my own way to spite them all from my mum to the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was spiting the system instead of seeing and realizing I was only spiting myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to spite others in my perceived lack of power and control over my experience, making them responsible for how I perceived myself, failing to see that it was me experiencing myself and noone else and that I was the one responsible for my experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to damage my body with sugar binges, seeking for ways to pacify myself within my beliefs that I was a victim, to be pitied and conforted for the harsh life I had of bad lunch boxes that I could not compare with other kids and feel proud about, as a point showing my mother's love, as I read other kids lunchboxes, translated them in time required to prepare them and then compared to the time my mother was not putting in for me, instead of seeing and realizing that my mum was working like a dog putting in all the time she did just so I could have a private education with higher standard, on which I pissed on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly feel guilty because I knew my mother was working like a dog for my education and I was NOT putting in my part as the best I could do, instead finding reasons why I shouldn't as the point that I was loved less for my lunch boxes, so I could be angry at her and feel that what I did not do was justified

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my mum and judge her as "good and generous" and myself as "bad and selfish", failing to see we were both embodying Characters for maximum friction and she just happened to be the one in the middle with the positive Character while I was with my grandmother on the fringes with a negative Character, guaranteeing for all of us friction as our Energy supply so we could kep up the Characters game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I never wanted to be as hard working as my mum, as I judged her as a loser for not having achieved Money Value knowing that by comparison I was making far more money than she was by just being 'nice ' to my grandparents and associating being nice and supporting other Characters as a way to make a living that I kept on as years went by

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that since I could never be as good and generous as my mum, who was herself driven by the desire for acceptance, I would be the opposite, I would excel in selfishness and just thinking about me, would never have kids, would never make the effort of engaging in long term relationships, because she proved that all these things are useless as they do not lead to the Money/value/Worth point and I would never be like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire acceptance and for suppressing this desire because I saw where it led with my mum, who was the doormat of the whole family

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself when I entered scientific high school, to feel lost, inadequate, as I had already placed value on Money as the Value system instead than on Life and I could not successfully compete with the other kids, I simply gave up within my sense of diminishment and inability to play 'the special one' as I had nothing special going for me as I had no money, no expensive clothes or shoes, no mum waving at me from the window and nobody knitting woolen clothes for my doll PLUS my secret money seemed ridiculous within that context, in which I imagined rich kids being able to buy anything that they wanted, to give themselves value, while I was worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was worthless and useless because I compared myself to other rich kids and did not find anything of value within me as me, failing to realize I could never find anything of value outside of me to prove the value of me in separation from myself as Self Worth/Self Value, Characters have no Value/Worth because they are Not Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself at the private scientific high school and for spending days at the park, keeping my life a secret with my mum, not speaking up and telling her what I was going through and ask for assistance as I judged what I felt as stupid and shallow and myself as stupid and shallow and not deserving of any assistance but to just give up on myself as a stupid and shallow girl, and within this I forgive myself for judging myself as a stupid and shallow girl

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty everyday, when my mum asked me about school and I lied, pretending I had attended while I did not, wishing that the lying could end that everything would come out in the open, instead I suppressed it, as I had tried to kill myself with heart tablets and laxatives with no success a few months earlier and when my stepfather found me while I lay on the couch hoping to die and pretending I was falling asleep like in the movies, to get simpathy from him, he told me this would be our secret, adding secrets to secrets in my life until I felt just so dishonest that giving up on myself was the next small step to take

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to die, because I could no longer face my own self judgements of what I had accepted and allowed myself to become, believing that everything that was going on in my head was me, instead of seeing and realizing it was me because I accepted it and allowed it but I can rewrite myself, writing all the garbage of my life out onto paper, owning it and letting it go to rebuild a decent self responsible human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother when I went how one day and she told me she had gone to pick me up, and surprise, I was not there nor I had been there for months and I saw the anger in her face and the delusion of having had to face this in such a way, of all the lies that she realized I had told while I was not going to school and for how I felt I let her down too and was glad to actually go to my grandparents so I wouldn't have to face her wrath for months to come

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I enjoyed staying at my grandparents, as I had more freedom and they would let me do everything my mum did not let me do, yet I believed I deserved a punishment that did not come, because going to my gradparents was a reward for me and so I was left with a sense of lack of closure of having got away with murder and  from murder literally and that maybe a life like this was possible, cruising aimlessly through my responsabilities and getting away with it all, which added to the arrogance as the flip side of the guilt I suppressed and did not want to look at, so I made myself Right in the face of my wrongs and just kept moving believing I had found new ways to never be responsible for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my grandparents loved me because they put new furniture in my room to be and allowed me to smoke (my grandfaher in secret from my grandmother), instead of seeing that there is no love in this world and each of us is just trailing their own Character agenda, which in their case was to get closer to me to both spite my mum and get to feel like they had a daughter, neverminding that they were taking away this perceived privilege of parenthood from my mother because just like me, we are all in it just for ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, although I was aware of all the secret dynamics of my family, look for ways to make them work for me, careless of my mother and what she was going through and what this was doing to her, as long as I got to get away with murder and closer to securing my future in my grandparents home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was this Character as the Unsettled teenager on the way to full blown -suppressed- Arrogance, and for giving life to this Character, no matter how damaging my thoughts, words and deeds were in the great picture of the responsibilities I should have stood up for as What is best for All, as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop all comparison games that I play with others as a way to make myself feel more when I fear being less, to breathe when I see the desire to state something or assume a posture of superiority while I investigate which is the trigger so I can release it through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop my acceptance and allowances of myself feeling inferior with regards to things I have mis-placed my Value on, such as Money or Beauty or Intelligence and to investigate where are my triggers that move or attempt to move me into automated behaviour of arrogance as superiority while I can see realize and understand that every time I attempt to play that game  am in fact feeling or fearing that I will soon be feeling inferior and move into the opposite polarity as self defence

I commit myself to stop regurgitating the past as emotions and feelings and memories of everything that I have done wrong, as a way to diminish myself so I won't even have to wait for the comparison game but I can self compare within my mind and bring myself to the desire for arrogance, having beaten myself down into uselessness and worthlessness without anybody's help

I commit myself to stop any form of self abuse, toward myself or others as I realize all abuse is self abuse, as we are One, One Body, One Life, harming itself within Enegy games until we Stop

I commit myself to Stop and stand for myself and What is Best for All for myself and all of Existence Equal and One

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