Day 103: 'Don't Call me Cheap' Character

Back to the 'apparently menial'.

My mum spent two days here, she has predictably moved into the 'You are about to go away again ' Character, 'Let's spend more time together' Character and I moved into the ''OK' Character, as a way to just go with the flow while she is here.

So tonight I was not going to write, I am tired, yet after reading the Giving Up Character Chat, I saw the whole movement, nice inviting picture presentation of an alternative to writing, desire to comply and then putting my foot down for writing because I am the One that decides.

In these 2 days an event took place twice, the same event, menial, about me feeling embarrassed when my mum checks the bill at the supermarket, it's cheap, I used to never check the bill, I was above checking the bill, but yesterday within my 'OK ' Character when she found out a mistake I went and told the lady at the cashier that there was in fact a 1 euro mistake, it felt embarrassing, I kinda hated it, just for 1 euro, the losing face point.

Today I went to buy water alone at the little Chinese supermarket, when she gave me the bill there was 2 euros discrepancy (:) better stop the exponentiality of the pattern at 2 euro, considering I am evaluating going back to business and this pattern will fuck with me royally), she made a mistake, it was clear to me without looking at the bill and so I told her, walked through the embarrassment and she corrected the bill.

The point is menial both about 1 euro and then 2 euro, it is not about the money I saved, it is about how I perceived this experience and myself within it and why I hate to speak up about a bill being wrong when it's just not been added right, it is because I fear coming out as cheap, 'all this trouble for 1/2 euros', I get my 'life read for 1/2 euros', so I went back in time within my mind and I saw that this fear is one of the product of my schizophrenia as the 'poor daughter' and the 'rich granddaughter's' Characters, as I wanted and desired to be the rich granddaughter and not the poor daughter, I wanted to copy and be like grandma who would not have checked the bills because 'she was not cheap', while in truth she just feared to be called cheap as she herself was NOT born rich, where cheapness can be shamelessly displayed because there is Money to back up someone's value/Character, only the poor, the ones that have made money just enough to get out of the survival game, no longer want to be associated with 'cheap', as in 'cheap' lie less chances to survive, to be able to care for oneself, and because 'cheap' means less valuable, someone cheap is less valuable that someone who is not.

So I fear to be cheap, to be judged as cheap, to judge myself as cheap, because if I am Cheap, if I do care about the 1/2 euro here and there it means I don't have enough money to play in the big league, that I am restrained and contained in my movements by my 'Money/Worth' and it shows the extent to which We have not only abdicated our power to Money, but Our Worth, Each Other's Worth, while we look for signs of who is Worthy within the world through the Money/Worth display of Wealth/Worth and discard every one else that can not and won't be a good investment for ourselves as the potential for Money lending, for an access to Money, for a slice of that worth that I/we covet through Money and that I would not, could not give up until I give up my Money/Value/worth perception.

Money is what we have become, we must get it, because when we do, when we see the extent in which everything we do and involve ourselves with is Money tied, than the point of Giving to everyone Equally will be the consequential step, as no one should be defined by Money as Value/Worth, and no one should live in fear of being Worthless because they are Cheap out of the condition they find themselves in.

I judged my mum as cheap when she did what I did not dare to do, coming out in the open to say that I see and realize that Money moves the world, and I will look after that 1/2 euro because it is my responsibility to take care of me and not others' responsibility to take care of me, and that I am not defined by the fact that I check a bill to see if it was added right or because I speak up to say 'you are overcharging me' as I see this world keeps running this way because when we the poor are afraid to look poor, to say I am poor, I don't have access to the Money Game, because if we do we are 'Cheap' and less valuable than others and so we fall for the fear of our own self judgement of our worthlessness instead of disengaging from the Money System as a System of Worth/Value once and for all.

None of us should ever be defined by Money, we made a mistake, took about a million wrong turns, let's out the fear to stand up and speak up, No Life is Cheap, Money makes it cheap when we accept and allow Money to become the Value Tool of existence in the name of Profit and Self Interest, yet we can return Money to its place, as a Tool for Equal Support and make Life the Value of the Earth that we abdicated when we believed that some Lives are worthier than others and some are cheaper, in fact so cheap, that we can trash them on our way out of the perceived Cheapness of Ourselves.

Will follow up tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.

Day 102: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Self Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stop my existence as the 'Italian beauty Judge' Character, to stop believing that due to my Nationality I have special rights and exclusivity on Beauty ideas, opinions and con-cepts that I have a duty to pass on to others, spreading my own enslavement like a disease onto the new generations as beliefs and con-cepts for which I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to take back my own Value as the investments I have made into Beauty and the Beauty Industry while looking for my own Value/ Worth, in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth

I commit myself to give up the belief that Beauty is a Value and to dig into this Character as The Beauty Supporter to see where and how I started to believe in the Value of Beauty so I can delete my energetic attachments through self forgiveness and correct myself as the Directive Principle of me, to stand as Self Correction here in and as Breath to no longer be run in automatic by Beauty Constructs

I commit myself to forgive myself for my judgements about Beauty and what is beautiful and what is not, as I see realize and understand, that Beauty is a Desire and a Trap, that Beauty has not added anything of value to this world except for testimonials of the price/prize we have been willing to pay for Beauty, all the way to Human Lives as in all the ones that died in building symbols of a Beauty that we were taught to appreciate and value disregarding the Lives that disappeared into such ludicrous pompous efforts to build what would outlast us as the worship of nothingness.

I commit myself to stop my participation in unexpressed comparison Beauty contests in which I use Beauty to make myself more than others, using Beauty as the wedge that divides the world in Beautiful and Ugly, denying each other the Equal Right to Life as we uphold beliefs in and as separation from each other as Images of ourselves and not ourselves as Life as All of Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop my energetic reactions to comments about Beauty and Ugliness, to anything that is Picture related and supports the Image of ourselves vs the Substance of Ourselves

I commit myself to no longer invest in Beauty as a Value System and when and if I have to walk the Character of 'system acceptability' I won't invest anything of me and remind myself it is just a Character that I play as an Image Acceptable Character, until we bring on a system that dignifies Life and not the Image of Life that supports All Equally from Birth to Death

I commit myself to stop feeling guilty for the Image of me, as I did not choose how to look or the lenght of my legs as I was genetically engineered to play as a Character in which I stepped in and accepted and allowed myself to believe this Character as the Image of me to be me, and to abandon any idea of Beauty as Merit, that we have deserved it and some did not, that we have earned our physical appearance due to previous past lives in which we were good, while some were bad, as I see this is all nonsense to justify why some have a right to have more than others within a Value system as the Beauty System, and that any system of Value I support above Life, gives my implicit permission for the Value system of Money to exist One and Equal as a system of Value in separation from me/ourselves to abuse Life

I commit myself to see through all the layers of self deception as beauty, as something that I have used to cover up what I believed was too ugly to look at, which was this world as our Creation, where we allow other beings to suffer and deliberately make some beings such as animals the preys of our experiments for our ultimate pursuit of Happiness as Beauty as Value

I commit myself to stop believing that the ones that are considered system Ugly have less value than the ones considered system Beautiful/Pretty, as I see realize and understand we have created just another way to play the comparison and moreness game, while we lost ourselves into a Character game that we now have to walk backward to return to Life Here in and as Breath for ourselves and What is Best for All, Equal and One

Day 101: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Character

The point of Beauty as Cruelty came up a few days ago within our group. I resisted it extensively to the point that I struggled with seeing Why is Beauty Cruelty, even though it was laid out quite clearly in the Creation's Journey to Life Blog.

The reasons behind this point is that I have invested a lot in Beauty, ideas of Beauty, opinions of what is beautiful and what is -clearly- not.

When I lived in Hong Kong we had a French girlfriend, when she separated after 22 years of marriage and she came into our "Italian group' we felt compelled to 'help her' to beautify herself, tell her that she had to go for manicure and pedicures, pluck her eyebrows, wax herself, make up and finally she turned out acceptable according to 'Italian Standards', we complimented ourselves on our 'Creation'.

A few weeks ago I took my mum to the gym with me, my mum and fashion are the furthest thing on the planet, yet, when one lady we were chatting with stripped off, my mum took notice of how unattractive she was and told me 'If I were a man I would never be interested in her, did you see her dropping boobs, scarred belly etc etc, and then women complain that men do now want to have sex with them '.

Yet this lady that I often see is a fitness teacher, she works out 3 hours a day, her genetics though do not allow her to reach any standard of what we consider beautiful, her face is not attractive, she is short, her legs are muscular but not straight, there is nothing else she can do to attain that standard, she already does manicure, pedicure, plucks her eyebrows, waxing, she would need a total body and face makeover to reach what would be 'acceptable' within our beauty culture

Because we are raised to appreciate Beauty, our historical buildings are beautiful, our cities are beautiful, our food is beautiful, our fabrics are beautiful, the way we match colors is beautiful, our fashion industry is all about Beauty, our cars are beautiful and so are the women and men, in our imagination, according to illusory ideas and beliefs that we were taught and we complied to pass on, turning us into the biggest hoax on the planet of which we are not even aware.

We failed to see how everything we have given to the world is just crap, we are the ringleaders of standard setting for humanity, when we design jeans with holes, they become trends, when we design cars noone can afford and they become a sign of exclusivity and so do our clothes which we see in shops at price tags that match the monthly income of an ordinary family and only the Haves can afford, the Have Nots are left with plenty unfulfilled desires and a deep seated sense of inadequacy.

We create exclusivity so we can exclude each other, we can stand as both the unfulfilled desires and the accomplishment of a system of injustice, everything we do is excellent, we have the highest corruption on the planet and how can we be surprised ?

If what we are writing as 'the way things should be' is only attainable through Big Money, everyone is desiring to get the Money to make themselves into what We ourselves have decided to be good, Beauty, get the Money to beautify yourself, your car, your house, your children, get bigger boobs, lips, yachts, holidays, live big, eat well, discard anything in your way that stands between you and your Beautiful Life.

And please, do fail to see that we sold you the Beauty system so you won't have to look at the ugliness of a world that we created in pursuit of our desires, transforming our Humanity in the Ugliness of the cruelty of the exclusivity of an Imaginary Beauty, that some, no matter how hard they try, will just never achieve or be a part of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest value in Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'Life is Beautiful', meaning the Lifestyles we have subscribed to and hoped to, one day, if we work hard enough, be able to embody and live out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify Beauty as an ideal because we are trapped into the Beauty System and instead of looking at the whys and hows we ended up here, look for reasons why it made sense, like the Monastery of nuns that pursue Enlightenment through Beauty, because enlightenment and spirituality are beautiful and for the beautiful ones

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud and happy if and when someone told me you are beautiful' as if it was a merit, an achievement that made me fit into my Life better with more chances to take on the world and so everything that resonates to that original idea makes me positively react, including the 'Ciao bella' that we tell to each other, even to the  'ugly ones' as we go pretending that we do not see that they are ugly and we give value instead to all indiscriminately

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the world in beautiful and ugly and for defining beautiful the things that I have accepted and allowed as associated to Beauty and ugly everything else that doesn't, including asymmetry and fat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that saying to a woman 'bella' or 'Ciao bella' is a pick me up' because no matter how down you are, if you are bella/beautiful, life is rosy and things look bright

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the Beauty Crap/Trap that was set for us in front of our eyes and sold us and to which we sold out, just to become loyal consumers in the pursuit of unattainable standards of imaginary Happiness as Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anyone can become beautiful, their best, if they follow the Beauty code of manicure, pedicure, plucking eyebrows and stray facial hairs, wax, go to the hairdresser, get the right clothes and match them according to the color matches they have taught us as 'how colors should be matched' to live the Beautiful Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud about Italy and its Beauty, failing to see that anything we praise as beautiful comes from the labour of slaves, who built palaces for the rich -and beautiful- while they hoped to get a piece of the beautiful life for themselves without realizing that Beauty is designed to NOT be for everybody, because if it were it would NOT be special and exclusive and thus would Not Be Beautiful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the point of Beauty as Exclusive, as something that we have designed in such a way that not everyone will be able to live it and be it, so we can have Beauty to add to our other Value points that we accumulate as we walk through Life searching for the Value of ourselves in separation from ourselves as Self Value/Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disturbed at the idea that Beauty is cruelty, because I do not want to admit having participated in Beauty as I did to fit the beauty model of my country and I wanted to hold on to my perceived beauty as specialness and exclusivity and so I accepted and allowed myself to backchat that all the ones complaining are the ugly ones which is what I think about myself about the money system that I am only 'complaining' about it because I do not have Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to put myself back in place about the Money System as I accuse myself that 'I'm just 'complaining' because I don't have money now and that when I did have money I was nowhere to be heard', without seeing and realizing that I had to lose it all before I could experience for myself the hold that Money has on our lives and that I cannot take back the fact that when I had money I did not stand up for a solution and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for the past and my non participation as a solution when I had money in my pocket

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in beautiful and ugly, wanting beauty for myself, seeking beautiful places to go and visit, praising the idea that enlightenment is beauty and that beautiful people are better than the ugly ones, marrying the idea that we must have done something right, in other lives, seeking for reasons within cultures to justify Beauty, believing all the 'good reasons' in support for beauty and the beautiful life as a prize, something we won and earned  to live in this life as a sign of our specialness that made us not Equals, which is a despisable concept within the world of Beauty, but special and unique, unlike anyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the inequality of the world with regards to Beauty, as the desire for Beauty and what is Beautiful became a point of Value for me and more important than seeing the Equality of us All Here, sharing One planet and the Life we Breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give Beauty value over Life One and Equal for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, since I am Italian, I have the right and ultimate knowledge about Beauty and what is beautiful, and that because of my birthright as an expert on Beauty, I get to have a say in expressing my useless Opinion to others about what they should wear and how is the color matching done properly as I know better and they should listen to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see and realize the point of Beauty as Cruelty, because that would make me cruel for my participation in and within the Beauty System, and I don't want to be cruel because being cruel is bad and I want to be good, instead of just seeing realizing and understanding that I participated in what I was taught as a value system, and that I struggle to let go because parts of me are invested in this value system in separation of myself as knowledge and information, instead of recognizing All Life as Beauty and what is against Life as unacceptable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to beautify everything according to my Beauty Value System, so I can feel good about myself having complied to what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is in fact Beauty as Value, failing to see that wherever I define value of me outside of me I am just limiting myself and others and condemning the world to the Ugly life we are all living in our pursuit of Happiness as Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I set a beautiful table, match my clothes, have color matching fabrics and pillows I am more valuable than if I did not, and that I have to seek money to be able to accomplish this feat as in beautifying myself and my surrounding as that is where I believed some of my value is, instead of seeing and realizing I just turned out as the Beauty Slave the system has designed for me to embody so I could go and BUY my Beauty props, keeping the system going and my hopes to reach the ultimate beauty status secretly hidden within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that Beauty is a discriminatory tool, that defining people and things and nature according to my own accepted and allowed imprinted ideals of beauty is just insane and is damaging the whole planet as while we seek beauty and our own accepted ideals of beauty, we destroy anything and anyone that doesn't fit the bill, making some things less and some people less valuable just because they are not fitting the beauty ideals of the world, who has set them just to sell stuff as Happiness as Beauty and keep the system going

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the women I see at the gym according to my beauty standards, defining boobs, legs, faces, hands, feet, hair as beautiful or not beautiful, justifying myself that what I see is a fact, that they indeed are either beautiful or ugly, failing to see that these judgements can only come up according to beliefs, ideas and opinions I have accepted and allowed as 'beauty standards' through reading magazines, watching movies, hearing my family and family's friends comments about it as I was growing up and ultimately made this repertoire mine, believing this to be true, undebatable as beauty is not in the eyes of the beholder since strangely we all see beauty equally apparently, never wondering how this came about, blindly accepting that this is the way things are and not just a program that runs in our heads and tells us what beauty is and how to attain it, so we can strive to get there and get the fucking value of beauty that it's a market value like anything that can be exchanged for money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ugly, as when my mum cut my hair like a boy when I was a kid, and I got negative reviews and people asking if I was a girl or a boy, discounting after that anything that was practical in favor of everything that was beautiful and this included uncomfortable clothes and shoes that fit the picture image of myself that I was trying to go for, regardless of what I put my body through in the attainment of Beauty as Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that women who have their feet all ruined and crooked, with bunions and bones twisted and corns and have to attend the podiatrist care monthly is normal, is part of being a woman as I overheard women say at the gym the other day, instead of seeing and realizing that THIS IS NOT NORMAL, that we have found ridiculous the binding of the feet of Chinese women in the attainment of Beauty according to Men's ideas about what made women's feet attractive, yet we are just doing the same to ourselves, binding our feet in shoes that are designed for mannequins and not for women who have to walk in them, have a life, go to work, attend to their children and that us failing to see what we are putting ourselves through for fashion and beauty is a sign of our insanity and not of a world that supports Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when my mum made a demeaning comment on a lady at the gym, without seeing and realizing that I am the one making the comments even though I now suppress them into my backchat because I judge these comments as bad, yet I have not taken the time to look at why and how such comments come up especially in relation to 'if I were a man I would never want to fuck her' as a Value point, comparing my fuckability to other women's unfuckability so I can gain value for myself as the value is in how much men want to fuck a woman after she has done everything she can to be and become attractive so that a man will finally desire to fuck her and give her the value we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe lies in that one point of being desirable and fuckable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my value in separation from myself into my ability to attract and inspire the desire to fuck me in a man, having defined the value of a woman by how much she is desirable on the sex market and The Sex Game we all play through the Beauty system as a hook to get the next energetic feed through positive feedback from men that underline our successful level of desirability and fuckability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to give up beauty as a value system, because I have lots of Knowledge and information about it and of myself invested in it, because no one wants to give up anything that works for them and beauty works for me, yet I want a World that is best for All and this means dropping all things that stand in the way of our Equality and our ideas of beauty are just that, ideas, opinions and beliefs, which are not Real, and stand in the way of me seeing others as Equals, of seeing a being for who they really are and not their Image Presentation that must fit a specific 'system taught standard' that has no clue about Life and who we really are and what we could become if we dropped everything that is in the way of Equality and Oneness and is therefore not a standard to uphold or consider any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define great constructions as beauty, feeling proud when such feats were done by Italians as anything that is Made in Italy, like me, sticks together as a symbol of what humanity can achieve as Beauty as Happiness, deliberately not taking into account the lives destroyed in the pursuit of beauty as happiness as a positive recognition of value, discarding anything and anyone that doesn't fit an imaginary make belief ideal and standard, reducing humanity to a stereotype of desires to be achieved in the pursuit of happiness and value we have separated ourselves from as we embraced the crap of this system of Abuse where we can't even see Beauty as Cruelty

Self Commitment Statement to follow tomorrow.

Day 58: I am not my Dreams

“I am not my memories. I am my dreams.” ~ Terry Hostetler

In my previous Post I have looked at Memories as One point of this Statement, I am not My Memories, meaning I am not My Past.

So while there is one point of agreement with the above sentence, I am not My Dreams either.

First, let's look at why I Dream. 

The starting point of dreaming is that what I live and who I am, is not enough, if it were, I would not need to do the Dreaming.

Dreaming is a future projection of a possible outcome, it's a moment in which I am not Here, I am There, projected in a Life that is better than the Life I live, more satisfying, more successful, richer, fuller, better.

Within all these statements what I am saying is that Life and Myself are in fact Not Enough, I need more to be more, the simplicity of my being Here in and as Breath doesn't satisfy my fantasies, who and what I have come to believe I should be and should have, to have a Life, while I am in fact Not Living.

Within dreaming I am stating that I will be satisfied only when I will get or be what I dream about, so not only I project myself into future outcomes, I am accepting that life without those fulfilled dreams, basically, just sucks, I suck as a Life that doesn't fit my own accepted and allowed expectation of what a 'good life' should be.

So Dreaming is the acceptance and allowance of a life that sucks within the Hope that it may get better, that if I focus hard enough on my Dreams, I'll get there, be that, have that, and I will finally be Happy.

Dreams are therefore the delusion of our eternal search for happiness, having failed to realize that happiness is a feeling, a product of the polarities of the Mind, and that if I board the swing, I'll be Happy and Sad and Happy and Sad, because I have to balance out whatever it is that I accept and allow myself  to live One and Equal to, so if I accept and allow myself to believe that I am my emotions and feelings, then I am and I board the swing, which is not Real, it is The Dream on both sides as the Past and the Future, a diversion from Here, a moment in which I am asleep, because without being asleep I can't Dream.

As far as swings go, I have not been much of a Dreamer, more than in Dreams I have indulged in Hopes, Hoping that things would get better, hoping that someone somewhere would come and sort it all out, hoping that life one day would make sense, because a life stuck between the Past as Memories and Dreams as the Future is not a Life, it's an Energy rehearsal, where we go on stage and pretend to be whoever we need to be to fit a specific outcome, looking for the good feelings of life while fearing the bad emotions of life, life as in 'experience' and while we swing for the joys of Energy, we forget to be Here and what Life is, Here as Breath, with no Past and no Future to look forward to, because I am enough and Life is Enough and the value I have been seeking has always been Here in and as Breath, where Life is enough because the Value of Life is Life itself, and all searches end, returning the end to the beginning and the Value where it was always supposed to be, on Life Here in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Dream about a better Life because I did not like the Life I lived and believed I could change it through hoping for a better life or dreaming about it, without realizing it was up to me to stop my existence in and as Energy and start Living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Dreams and Hopes as a way to not be Here facing myself and what I accepted and allowed myself to live One and Equal to so I could stand in Self Honesty and Self Responsibility to forgive myself and walk the self correction of myself as Life as What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with desires and images that turned into dreams about what a perfect Life was about, without realizing I was accepting and allowing myself to turn myself into a Consumer of Life for the purpose of boarding the energy swing that I believed was what being alive was and meant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that if Dreams were the way to create a reality and that they were the blueprint of what is to come that I was laying out, than the starving people would be fed because for sure they dream about eating every day, even though their dreams are not coming true

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with songs and movies about dreaming and hoping and the power of dreaming and hoping and what it can do to change lives, even though I lived in a physical existence that was proof that not all dreams are coming true for everybody and thus dreaming was NOT a solution that is real or that can help to create What is Best for All

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'dream' with a positive feeling, because in the dreaming I get to be asleep and I don't have to face reality and what are the manifested consequences of a creation in which I have allowed myself to participate and the outflows of my existence as Energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage 'dreaming in others' saying between the lines that all our lives suck and we have a right to dream/fall asleep so we don't have to live or watch what this reality has become  through our acceptances and allowances and our self interested participation 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to dream as a way to not be Here because I believed I was not enough and Life was not enough and I'd rather be away in my Past, Hopes and Dreams than be Here anytime

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be More because I believed who I was as Life was not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that any desire I held in my life was a search for a value that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I did not have and I had to search for outside of myself, in something that would give me a good feeling and through the feeling good I would know that I had found something of value, instead of seeing I was chasing dragons while I was giving up my Value as Life Here as Breath in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more through Dreams and Hopes in fear of being Less, engaging in the Games of Comparison and competition as a way to Give myself Value as Energy as feeling good as a proof that I was in fact Alive and on the right path, accepting and allowing myself to be led by Energy, a Blind leading a Blind through Life as experiences instead of Life here in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to stop all dreaming and Hopes that take me away from Here and Life in and as every moment of Breath and to look into the nature of my dreams and hopes to see where I am not satisfied with my Life and how, so I can deconstruct these points of Desires and beliefs about who and what I should be and have to be Alive, until nothing remains but me as Life Here, in every moment of Breath for what is best for Me and What is Best for All, One and Equal.

Day 44: For-Giving The Seductress in/as Me

I realized that within me be-lieving to be a 'Seductress' there is a point of value and a belief that men are indeed stupid and not Equal, that women can seduce them while they are foolishly following the lead, the hook, instead of recognizing the Equality of the games we play where I enjoy thinking I seduce them as a point of power/worth while they enjoy thinking that they seduced me as a point of power/worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was all my doing what happened between me and men instead of seeing they are equally participating in the seduction game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to carry the fault/blame for myself as a point of value because within that blame/fault I make myself more powerful than men and turn them into fools at my mercy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for the personality play of the seductress because within that blame there was 'my power to seduce', making myself more than men within the seduction game and finding value/worth for myself within being more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see the Equality of the Games we play because then I would have to feel as duped as the super duper I like to believe I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and judge myself as the sole participant of the seduction game, in which I found my power and value, being 'more evil' than men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and the games they play as much as I feared myself and the games I played

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if a man plays his game well I will be duped and won't be able to say NO, because within the games men play there is the game of giving me value and 'making me feel special' since I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm worthless, I fear I cannot resist the value game 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when someone 'makes me feel special' I can't resist their attention as I have accepted and allowed to build myself into a value/worth seeking machine while I separated myself from Self as Self Worth and Self Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men instead of seeing I was fearing myself and what I was willing to do in my search for worth and value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my fear of men, which was the fear of myself,  into a desire to belittle them so I can feel in charge and in control and less vulnerable to the value/worth game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since my worth lies into being attractive for men I have to fear my not being attractive to them and it's better to fatten myself up and put myself aside of the game instead of seeing I am facing the fear of aging and not having the same pulling power and feedback from men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear aging as a point in which I will lose my ability to pull and manipulate men to me, instead of seeing I was never the one who pulled men but I was a loser in the moment I stepped into the worth/value games as seduction, we both play equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'I could have any man I wanted' without realizing that within the current system pretty much any woman can, as SEX is the name of the Game and it's not personal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special, because within that specialness I found my worth and value given that if I am special I am above and beyond other women and I have won the game of comparison and competition for the prize which is sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make SEX into the Price/prize I have to pay for playing the seduction game as a way to give myself worth/value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that SEX is something I have to give in return for the 'devotion' men show to me which is nothing more than their desire to have sex, because Sex was The Design and The Price/prize we were both after

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for the sex I have had as a way to payback and lever the expectations I built in men through my seduction games because I turned seduction into a promise that would have to be paid back when the games I participated in were creating 'too much credits'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the seduction games in which I participated instead of seeing I have designed myself to be seductive as a way to survive within this world in fear that if I couldn't 'promise' sex as a way of life as who I am, my life would not be safe, and I would not have access to the world system in which the name of the game is Sex/Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'the promise of sex' as a compensation for the money I lacked, because since I did not have enough money/debts to consider myself 'safe' in the world I could accumulate sex/debts, without seeing that both money and sex debts are called to be paid back and I ended up feeling and seeing myself as the eternal debtor inside the world system of money/sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in and as the Debt System of this world, hoping to create Credits through my seduction and promises for Sex, instead of seeing I was accumulating debts, through my own Self Judgements and Fears, supporting and allowing the existence of a system of Debts One and Equal to Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and exist as Debt/Debts, I now For-Give my debts and the debts of the Ones around me regarding Sex and the Seduction games I/We played, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of the current Money System of Debts because I myself existed in and as Debt, instead of giving what I would like to receive to myself and others, The For-Giveness of All Debts for a world that is What is Best for me and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the Seductress Personality, I stop, Breathe, look at why I am fearing that moment as a moment that needs my leverage as 'Seduction', Breathe, remind myself that I am Worth as Self Worth Here in Breath and that there is nothing I can gain from playing Energy/power/value games but Debts, because the Energy system is designed in and as a Debt System, and I can only STOP playing or accumulate Debts as there is no way to Win within a system of Debts, so I stop my participation in and as Debt to stop the creation of and as Debts of this world, One and Equal to Me

I commit myself to bring myself back Here with consistency, through Breath, leading myself out of my Mind consistently with patience as my Mind has been my only abode for my whole Life and I see that I fear leaving me as the Mind behind, yet I see that Fear is Not Real and just the way my Mind is resisting to be left behind, so I commit myself to become familiar with Life not in and as The Mind but Here in and as The Physical, where No debts are Created, but Breaths of and as Life are accumulated for myself and all of existence Equal and One

Day 37: Do Not EVER Trust Men

When I was growing up my grandmother had been very clear talking to me about Men and what they are All About.

She told me that no matter what they said, they just wanted Sex, so it was a pretty easy Game to play, we would have to sit through all the bullshit, the compliments and later, when they did not score immediately, the promises, the stories, until they told us 'what they were willing to do for us'.

This was a theme of Fairy Tales as well, Men had to prove their Worth to a Woman, so Princes would walk for years, slay the Dragons, bring back the witch broom, they had to prove their interest for a woman with impossible tasks that were not taken on by just 'any man', only the special ones would do such things and most of all, They Would Wait.

If they wanted sex immediately they did not care, they would have to build up to sex, get there on their string of lies and the lies had to be backed up by presents, presents showed that a man cared, the more costly the presents the more he cared, because let's face it, they would put the Money where their Mouth was, the Money was The key to assess their Real Interest (funny, another Money word 'Interest-ing).

I have met many players in my life, I preferred the more honest types, the ones that in fact showed you they wanted sex right away, but this came later in life, I was tired of the bullshit, soothsayers were never convincing, except a guy I met, the second last, who built up such a convoluted story that I had to believe it, because I never met anyone like him who would go THAT far just for a fuck, he even told me he wanted a child and to get married and that he was a virgin.

It took me some time to wisen up, mainly because I was lost in my Pot smoking world and because I lacked references to why a man would say he is a virgin when he is not, being virginity something shameful to talk about for an Italian or a Latin man in general, as virginity meant 'nobody wanted you' until the, which brought down someone's value, because women want to have sex with the ones that other women's want, as a cross  checking of value/worth they were about to engage with.

When I think about my relationships with men I see I have been pathetic to say the least, I have never valued a man for who he was as a human being, but just for the value I could get from him, value expressed in either His Value on the Seduction Market Place or His value as Money, Men with Money represented security, a life that was secured and not one that one had to fend for, plus it was the role of a Man to take care of a Woman, Gallantry basically meant Inequality all over but it was an Inequality that worked for me, I got to be the Woman, they would open doors, light my cigarette, move my chair for me to sit down and in all these little gestures I would accumulate value and worth, plus if they had Money that meant I was more worthy, because Men with Money had More Choices than Men without Money, and when they chose Me, by the simple comparison with the Offer they Had Available, I gained worth.

It's weird how I have held such judgement against men all my life and used it to justify my own behaviour of manipulation and games, I mistook relationships for a game, in which someone would win and someone would lose, grandma had told me as well that in a relationship one must be the one running and the other will be the one running after, I was mostly the one running, being run after gave me Value, plus men themselves had told me they liked 'difficult prizes', not the easy ones, grandma had told me that too, she said 'the one you really like will have to wait, for your sexual needs get someone else just as a lover', so a couple of times in my life I had multiple stories going at the same time, but this advice did not work for me, it made me lose value in my own eyes due to my own self judgement of being a two timer and that was not cool.

I have not had many rich men, nor I have profited from rich men, I just didn't get a chance to do so without being able to notice myself doing that, it would have been too much of a sell out for my own judgements of myself and my relationship with Men, but I extensively profited in the Value Game, where I used their interest to give myself Value and I used them extensively, never ever opening up and always ready to move on, because you never know, as anyway I never trusted them for a second about their hidden reasons and motives, grandma had been clear, they ONLY want sex, and I never forgot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was more clever than men because whatever they said I translated it with 'I want to fuck you' and I felt I was ahead of the game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relationships between men and women are just about 'who is ahead of the game' and who is winning or losing the Value Game instead of seeing it as a chance to come to know someone else for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished the times I run and a man did not run after me because 'the running after me' was part of my value system and when they did not I accepted and allowed myself to feel devalued and not worthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to win in this game with Men because than I could prove to myself I was more clever than them and that they couldn't 'fuck around with me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my grandmother teachings of  value and manipulation because she was old and therefore wise, instead of seeing that she was just old and passing on her crippling programs to me so I would become a carbon copy of herself and her manipulation techniques and validate her as an effective player in the Man vs Woman game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relating to others was a game that I had to win to give value to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support and create a system in which both men and women are devalued by their own participation in Games of the Mind, while I was never here to Self Express myself in Self Honesty stopping all games starting with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt and shameful for my behaviour with men and for how I would automatically move into the seducer hard to get personality as a way to validate myself and my existence as a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of virginity as a sign that nobody had yet wanted me enough 'to take me' and therefore I had less value than the women who had already 'been taken'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe lies about someone's virginity because I judged virginity as shameful and so I decided that no one could or would pretend to be 'a virgin' because the loss of value would be too extensive to advertise it and by holding on to this belief and assumption I prevented my self from seeing reality for what it was, that I was simply being lied to and that there may be an ulterior motive that had nothing to do with me or my value that I feared I would lose if I looked at reality for what it was and I admitted to being scammed by a man half my age because he needed a way out of his shitty life due to his birth in a country with no choices or opportunities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up a strong 'you don't fuck with me' front while I suppressed my vulnerability in fear of being hurt or harmed by Men and their games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women were 'better than men' because at least we were looking for 'love' as a feeling good energy movement' while they were looking for sex 'as a feeling good energy movement' making us not different at all, but equal in our slavery to energy as energy beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt men with words of love and feelings I did not feel because I wanted to keep up the facade of being a romantic and passionate woman, while I too, many times, was only looking for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I saw myself moving into manipulation of men through feelings and emotions, and for not stopping because what I got out of it was more important to me than the point that I was harming them deliberately as long as I got my energy fixes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have hurt men not realizing I have only and always hurt and harmed only myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a heartless bitch because I believed I could see what I was doing but they could not, making myself more clever than them in the Value, Winner and Losers Game of Relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always engage with men that were less than what would have been best for me, because the ones that would have been best for me I feared to lose and become dependent on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have manipulated my ex husband all the way into our marriage and for them building on this guilt of my perceived manipulation a rocky marriage that could never work because I did not trust myself for my own self judgement of me as the manipulator and I ended up believing he did not want me and made our life together hell because he had to prove to me in so many ways he did, to stop my fears deriving by my own self judgement of me as having fooled him into our marriage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being wanted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my ex husband's choices, because I liked to think I was more clever than him in this game of manipulation just to give myself value even though it was the value of a better manipulator over a worse manipulator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my ex husband that he wanted to be with me, because I didn't trust any man to want a specific woman but just a hole and a little quiet company and that was about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base a life of relationships with men on the teachings of an old woman, because when I was growing up and feared men I believed I needed guidance to understand how to handle them and how they operate, having separated myself from my own guidance and my own self honesty and self responsibility for myself to be able to walk this life in self expression as self worth as Life One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear Men because I gave them the power to give or take value from me in separation from me as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stupid when I worked out that the Nigerian guy told me he was a virgin because he just wanted to have sex without a condom to make me pregnant, marry me and get a European passport, because I felt used, duped and devalued

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stupid when my friends in HK asked me how could I believe that a Nigerian man of that age was a virgin when everyone seems to know that Nigerians are into scams and abuse of any sorts due to the poverty and lack of opportunities in their country of birth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be informed about what is going on in the world because for a long time I embraced the belief that I only had to follow what made me feel good, and disheartening news and information about the world we live in did not fit my idea of the benevolent world we live in and so I had to create for myself some meetings to face the reality and the truth of this world as a place where many are forced to make all sorts of choices to survive and guarantee their survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devalued when I discovered a man 'wanting something from me' that was beyond what I was willing to give, which was sex and the pretense of a relationship, because I felt I sucked at everything including the manipulation game in which I had been heavily outdone by a boy half my age with a story that if I had heard from the Pied Piper I would not have believed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is more innocence in the younger ones, when I could always see that as Slaves of/as the Mind we are all equally fucked and both gender or age don't make any difference

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I did not give in to Sex to men after I engaged them for some time, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that that was the only point they ever started a relationship with me and soon or later I would have to fulfill the sex promise and the longer time passed the more urgent this fulfilment became as a point of pressure I would put on myself declaring myself as a 'teaser' if I would not deliver sex having accepted and allowed that sex was always the unspoken promise of any relationship between a man and a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of manipulation and value seeking with Men as the opponents and potential Value Givers, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in everyone and stopping myself from doing to others what I did not want done unto me, releasing myself and others Equal and One from the teachings I received about relationship that led me to live out a life of dishonesty in seeking the Value of Me from which I have accepted to separate from as Self as Self Worth/Value as Life, as One and Equal to everything that exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never trust men because I never trusted myself to be self honest and self responsible for my thoughts , words and deeds and so I keep walking this self correction as Self Honesty and self corrective application to build myself as Self trust so that I may trust others One and Equal o the Self trust I build for and as myself to always be able to face anything Here in and as Self Expression in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into manipulative value seeking Games with Men, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate as part of the problem but want to be and become part of the solution of a world of Equals, in which all games of abuse stop so we may come together as One and live a dignified Life as Self as Life, One and Equal

When and as I see myself desiring to have the upper hand with men as a way to validate my existence as the personality of a woman who wins at the game of Seduction and Manipulation, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am in and as the Mind or I would not be seeking value and Worth outside of myself as Self as Life One and Equal and Breathe myself back Here  where all games stop by me being the Directive principle of My Self  for what is best for me and What is Best for All

When and As I see myself looking at men to assess their value on the Value Game, based on Money or how much other women find them attractive to establish how much value I can get for myself if I engage with them, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in assessing people's Value based on beliefs and ideas of separation but I want to learn to see others as me, as Self One and Equal and Give as I would like to Receive in every aspect of my Life

I commit myself to stop my distrust for men based on what I have learnt and used in the Games we play while seeking for Self Value and Self Worth to stand as an Equal in and as Self Trust as Life One and Equal

Day 35: Friends as Self Abuse

My friend left today, the first thing I want to write is I'm GLAD.

During her stay I have realized how friendship is just another value system in which we either project an idea about ourselves and look for an energetic feedback or we look for points to devalue in the other in our mind as to feel better about ourselves. 

I have not been very reactive during her stay, but I had backchat, most of it revolving around the world of love and light and how could she be preaching that when she lives as a total self centered universe believing only her life is in fact important, of course it's not about her, she is just a mirror of myself and my own life lived as a self centred egotistical bitch, for whom how I felt was the leading light of my life, looking to feel good in any possible way, through the feedback of others or my own feedback, one thing that bugs me is that I could never really believe myself and so this is a point I project on others, a question I have asked several time to my friend A. here in Italy who has walked this process for some time, on and off, and he told me once 'yes, everyone knows Ele, everyone is aware of their own bullshit, of their not feeling good, of the lies they tell to themselves and others', he told me as well that I have asked this question within different words already several times and he wondered why.

The why is due to the point that I don't want to believe this, because if and when I do, all my world of relationships will crumble in a pile of dust, if I was not real I can live with that, but if everyone else is not real too, what is this Relationships bullshit really all about if not an excuse, a distraction, a point to play with while we pass time, and we pass air, we are farting more than breathing and I don't want to admit to this.

When my friend left I went to the toilet, immediately, I had been constipated for days, so busy holding up my new Desteni image, not wanting to make any faux pas that will lead her to find excuses about the process and what we are doing, so I withheld a few 'fuckoffs' on the way to prove that we are in fact the ones right, if I can take all the abuse with a flair, and THEY, the non Desteni are the ones who are wrong, and once when I saw her poorly hiding her laughing in mockery an at one of my reply to what she asked me about Heaven, as if I'm just too stupid to believe all of this, I did not say anything, how can I ?

It's ultimately all knowledge and information, I have not seen Heaven before nor I saw it disappear, but if I could believe the Catholics first, with their long shot about a virgin giving birth and all their Dogmas, and then I could believe in a Benevolent Universe that allows me to live and lets half of the world struggle in misery as an obvious point of a dysfunctional parenthood, if I accept the Universe or God or the Light as 'Creator', it's obvious nothing can stop me from believing something that makes sense, which is that we are One and Equal, and that the story ultimately doesn't matter, our origins are not the point of our resolution, the resolution is Here and Desteni offers a path to walk, to correct ourselves, to stop being the assholes we have been so far in our secret minds, so that once we stop the bullshit we can recreate ourselves into what is Best for All, because when we look inside in self honesty, is who we are as the egotistical maniac and psychopaths we have become what is best for All ?

Are we using then the Light and the Love to blind others hoping that they will stop at the Love and Light label and not go further into seeing who we are or are we genuine about the Beliefs we decide to hold just because they serve our Life as Self Interest and Abuse of others while we walk the planet never considering anyone else but ourselves.

A. would say 'I told you Ele, we All know what we are doing, really'. Really ? Really Really ??

Then it's time to stop and self correct, so one day we may become the friends we wish to have to All as One and Equal and we will be able to re-create ourselves into What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a 'fuck off' as bad and the pretense of harmony as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in an attempt to show that now that I am walking a path of self correction, I have become a better Human Being by displaying what I judge as being good vs being bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my behaviour as  good/bad so I move myself through a fake morality maze to comply to my value system and desire to be good instead of being self expression Here in the moment in Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am an Energy Construct and for supporting such existence by my own participation in Energetic Tools instead of living Here as Breath in and as the Physical but existing as a react-or to manufacture my own energy through friction to satisfy my life of self interest validating it with good feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a self centred bitch and for being angry at myself for what I have allowed and accepted myself to become in my quest for value and appreciation, in separation from Self and all of existence as Self Trust as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes to what I would in self honestly wanted to say NO, because yes makes me look better than saying no in relation to the idea and personality of myself I want to project as easy going and easy to get along with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for abuse when in fact it's always and only been my own self abuse of not standing up for myself in self honesty and drawing the lines of what is acceptable and how one should contribute within a household as an equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be the one who pays for everything because I have judgements about stingy people who are attached to money and so I don't want to show I am attached to money believing the other one will see when it is their time to step in and pay instead of settling Common Sense rules about Money and how we are going to share the costs of a visit I could not afford in the first place not having a job at the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ones attached to money as stingy and to believe that the ones attached to money are stingy with their 'loving' as well because love is just like money, a point in and through which I have accepted and allowed myself to see value in and as a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to con-stipate myself with self judgement about how to live practically about someone else and so just in case I play the doormat which should be the most endearing position to get me the approval and love of my friends, no matter the discomfort my body shows me about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a doormat and for feeling shameful about being a doormat/having been a doormat in my life in my search for approval

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for overtaking instead of seeing it is me overgiving in a compensation act for not being good enough as a friend at the moment because I no longer play the 'makeme feelgood' game and I have to make up for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that how my friends and family feel around me is my responsibility and that when I don't 'make them feel good' I have to pay for it, in money or negative emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I no longer want to host anyone instead of seeing where I can correct myself to have an enjoyable equal experience next time someone comes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to project myself as a Desteni success, meaning someone to emulate because I am working on my fuck ups when others are not and that makes me more than them who are still lost in delusions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the parts of Self still lost in delusions as less than me in separation from me as All There Is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those in Process are more than those of us who are not as a point of Value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to smack my friend gently when she hid the mocking laughter about Heaven's story and for then looking in the following days for points in our conversations in which I could mock her about in my secret mind or outwardly, to get even

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as Spite and the desire to get even that I play out in my secret mind -and out- and to which I try to not pay attention because I believe I am entitled to some paybacks and I do no harm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do no harm in my mind, even though I believed a lot of invisible stuff could be life changing in the positive sense, like reiki or energy, but I don't want to face the nasty thoughts, who are made of energy too, and what they do to the collective and what they manifest in and as this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use friends as a form of self abuse and as a point of separation in which I compare myself to see if I am 'better' or 'worse' in any given point that can be physical or mental  so I can gain value for myself taking it from them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a dishonorable life in and as the Mind, refusing to face my own dishonesty ad the way I participate in the world because I fear changing and not knowing what I will become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to write out this point because I fear my friend reading this blog and feeling bad about it, instead of realizing, I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions, and thoughts, words and deeds, but I'm in no way powerful enough to make anyone FEEL anything and that everything another feels I cannot be responsible for as I am not the cause of it as they are never the cause of what I think, feel and say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my personalities as if they were real and something I should just correct instead of something to delete and let go, because they exist as a Mind Construction, in and as Self Interest and Separation and living in and as the Mind will never allow me to change as change will have to come from the nothingness I reach into the Life I rebuild, Equal and One for myself and all of existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself To Fear Change

When and if another friend will ask me to come over, I will see if it is OK with me and not just say Yes to build on a 'good image' of myself, and if it is OK and I see we can both benefit I will open my home and make my rules clear as to what is required to live together given that the workload doubles and should therefore be shared and if costs are involved I will let them know how we should go about sharing in common sense, so noone of us is abused or unclear about how to move and what is expected and there will be less backchat for both

When and as I see myself tempted to blame a friend for how I ended up feeling 'abused' I remind myself that abuse doesn't exist, but only the self abuse of me as the mind, and so I breathe and stop abusing myself or blaming my self abuse on others when I see myself lost in thoughts, feelings and emotions of and as the Mind

I commit myself to learn to build self honest relationships with other Human beings based on effective communication to Honour myself and others as One and Equal as Life