Saturday, July 14, 2012

Day 89: Hold the Ladder Mum, time to go back on the Cross

Since I started DIP, i have had a secret desire to see the relationship with my mum work, so I could have a point of stability given that I perceive and believe I no longer have anything else to lean on and if can I stand on my own absolutely alone in the world.
So I kind of enjoyed the delusory point that we were not fighting that there was 'harmony', yet I saw that the reason there was harmony was because I played the supporting role to her Character and accepted to stay in my own role, The Daughter.
Two days ago she called me to complain about friends who did not show the proper respect, I have walked this respect point myself, the dynamics were clear even to her, when I pointed out that the reason why I was not ooohiing and ahhhing about the story was that it was clearly all her doing and I knew she could see that too as it was a repeat pattern of investments in people who did not pay back.
I have seen this pattern in myself , The Investor, yet I was not very longhsighted to see that this obviously included me, who has received benefits, like housing almost for free since I came back and my paying back IS in fact required, at least by being absolutely supportive (within our Characters play).
This was a fear as well that I secretly held about process, that I would come to a point where even famiLie would blow up and that I would feel naked, losing my Daughter Character within the famiLie and not knowing how to walk back into it, even for the sake of peace.
So yesterday when she called to pay me a surprise visit, I was 'happy', in my mind I read it that she was over Her Character and we could now have the Peaceful New relationship (based on New Characters, less evil and demonic). It really shows how the Mind is a very poor Consigliere that makes up stories that is in fact better to never believe.
So when she came, I missed the signs, having worked on myself consistently I am just starting to understand the difference between standing up and fighting nail and tooth, I used to 'think' they were the same, but they are NOT.
The differece is that when you stand up and bring yourself Here, much of the outside play is not activating you as Characters with the same frequency and deft change of costumes, you get some Air Time yourself in between, and you start to see more clearly what is really going on.
The reason was I missed the signs of belligerance when she came in was becase I was NOT in Character, not in the usual Daughter Character in which I would be looking out for signs of wars to come, so when she went to war I could SEE what she tried to do, she tried to nail me to the cross of memories, she switched into the memory keeper and when she saw that the recent stuff was not affecting me she dug back in time, for further away memories, she offered me A Range of My Characters on a Silver Plate to choose from, as long as I picked one we coud go on playing because 'she was having none of it of me staying out of Character'
In this I felt a slight anger, not the all consuming anger I use to feel in the past, I felt pity as well, and shame for us as Humanity at what we have become and what we do to each other.
Due to this twist of events, the play unfolded 'out of Character' to the point that she laid out all the game up to the Money bit, because let's face it folks, it's always about Money, if I stop being the supplier of energy I must pay with another energy currency, Money.
She started with 'I fear for your future' mirroring back to me my own fears and when this did not work as planned she had nothing left but to say 'I fear that you will spend the money of the house, be left with nothing and then I will have to give you some of the Half of my money, which instead I desire to spend because yes, I always said I don't like Armani clothes or to go on holiday, but who kows, maybe I do, so you are free to do whatever you decide as a business as long as you don't 'think' to come to me for help if your business turns sour because I won't give you anything else than the half of the house we decided on', and so the fear for me, for my future, the motherly love, the daughterly love comes back to this, an exchange of energy either in the form of energy as Characters support or Energy as Money.
We created this world, where nothing is Real and everything is just an excuse for self interest within a system of survival, we better get down to fix it because we might be born again into it and have to face the same shit as to what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while we pretend that we are not really in truth doing 'that thing we do' to ourselves and each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to built a Character that hoped that I could change the relationship with my mother if I changed myself and that we could live happily ever after, because I did not want to face the point that we turn nasty when we stop playing and supporting each others' Characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that this last relationship of my world would have to crumble and I would have to face the point that I have never loved my parents and they have never loved me and that love is just a lie and a cover up for energy games and Character manipulation and within this I forgive myself for believing I am the fear of being alone in this world with no one to 'lean on' in case of need

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Fear of Aloneness and of being uutterly Alone in the World is Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'Everybody needs somebody sometime' like Dean Martin sang, and for believing that 'you are nobody until somebody Loves you'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I lose the relationship with my mum I will crumble because she was the only real point of Unconditional Love in my Life, when I always knew that there was nothing unconditional between us, but we had created Characters to pretend there was so we could feel good about being a loving mother and a doting daughter, none of which were Real and within this I forgive myself for fearing losing the relationship with my mum

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn nasty when someone did not stay within the Character we had agreed on and desired to move on, and I used memories to nail them on the cross of Time to put them back in the Character I wished to interact with, switching from one memory of defeat to another to bring them down so they would not be so cocky in the future in stepping out of Character without my permission and agreement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand there while my mother tried to drag me down memory lane and for feeling surprised because I was not reacting even though she gave me plenty reasons to and I wondered if I was still alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Stepping out of Character and be the cause of the commotion that I saw my mum go through yesterday in the desperate attempt to nail me to the cross of the past memory that should have activated me into what she wished to interact to, but did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the bait from my mind today when thoughts about yesterday and my NON reactions kept popping up as something I should consider and maybe feel guilty about because my mum brought up so many points from the past that before would have upset me,  and in the not getting upset and stepping out of Character I did not only bother her but myself as my own Mind who today looked for ways to nail me on the cross of Time and memory to put me back in my place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I can only become upset when in Character, taking things personally and that if I do not, I am not being 'insensitive', I am just not taking personally what she says about me even if it is 'about me' as I realize the Me she is talking about is just a Character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I did not react as in 'this is not healthy, you are suppressing' while I knew I was NOT suppressing because I would have felt the reaction and go for it, if a reaction had taken place because the reaction would have driven me Back into a Character, and that I judged myself simply because I am not used to not reacting and seeing in the physical the difference between standing and reacting, and how standing in fact forces others out of Character because it is the energy of the reactions that keeps the Characters in place and not the reaction that forces Characters to step out of Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself today to 'think' about what happened yesterday, as if it was My Duty to have a review, when in fact nothing happened inside of me and this is the point I then desired 'to think' about, having registered the non reacting as an anomaly, as out of Character and trying to put myself back into my own reactive Character because I am still not familiar with having such a huge blow up and not spending days 'thinking and tormenting ' myself about what I could have done differently or said differently to prevent such a blow up, which I failed to notice is The Clever Thinking Character that came up and I just walked straight into it for some solace in my own familiar thoughts and thinking patterns

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I felt shame FOR my mother and what she was trying to do when I saw the memories that she dug out for me to embody in the Character play that she laid out for me to walk, instead of realizing I felt shame about myself and what I have always done to others, pinning others to the Cross of their Characters through digging up memories of their past mistakes or failures according to my own definition of miss-takes and failures, living a Life of crucifixions, which I have never noticed before contains the word fiction, as in fact all these play outs, including the crucifixions are only imaginary of myself as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing the point that famiLie are not what we want to believe they are, a place of solace and unconditional acceptance, they are instead the first training ground for the Ruthless Character game, in which your Death is my Life, as Characters live to outplay each other to the last drop of blood, and that Love is the biggest Lie ever told to cover up what is Really going on within the family system as a way to hold everyone in place within the Imaginary Character Game of Memories of the Past, where the Past is Never Over, because we are and have become The Past in the Flesh and dontyouthink you are gonna get away dear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as The Past, as Memories and for forcing others into The Past as Memories, chaining All of Us into this Character game, instead of letting go of the Past, because The Past is Over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad today when I took the bait to replay everything that went on, yet I could strangely not bring up word for word of what my mother said, which I was always able to do in the past as a way of filing ammo for the next fight, which gave me both a sense of relief and a sense of loss as I see my own Characters losing the grip on reality and fearing myself having to step in as the Directive Principle of Myself to stand in and as Breath for What is best for All as Life and All of existence Equal and One

I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear for my future and in the fear of aloneness as I see, realize and understand that Fear is never Real but something I make up as Me as The Mind to keep myself in place and in Character

I commit myself to let go inside of me for good, the desire and the Hope for a good relationship with my mum, as that may come at the price of me having to live in Character and so this is the last choice I have to make about what I am willing to give up for Life that I believed was important, yet I am willing to give it up absolutely for Life and What is Best for All, even if it means having to accept that I am after that alone in the world, yet I am not Alone as I stand for and as Life and the ALLOness of All.

I commit myself to no longer take things personally, even when things are about Me, as I see realize and understand any Me that holds an opinion about Me to defend, is just a Character

I commit myself to stop the crucifixion of myself and Humanity, by holding myself and others within a limited Character play, using memories, words and moving my body specifically in ways to evoke emotions and feelings to move others in and out of Characters so that I won't have to fear standing Here in and as Breath out of the Character play

I commit myself to stop my existence as the Thinking Character as I see, realize and understand, that there is never a good reason 'to think about it' or 'go and review what happened' because The Past is what the word says PAST and I won't find ANY solution ever within me as the Thinking Character because ALL of my Characters are flawed, and Flawed Characters do not hold any solution that is best for Me and best for All, as they just hold what is best for them as Characters are just like the Money System and do not care about Life, and when I am in Character I do not care/I cannot care about Life as I can only care for myself as a Character in Fear for its own survival

I commit myself to stop the awkwardness I have embodied as 'what do I do now that I have no reactions? Am I normal? Am I alive', as I see realize and understand that I had defined being Alive as Energy and Energy movements within me but I am not in fact Energy and that it is OK that I will take some time to get used to move myself as Self Directive principle and not have Energy as Characters Moving Me, because I have seen, realized and understood that Energy is Not Life and has gone nuts and when I allow Me to be driven by Energy I am nuts too, and this has to Stop

I commit myself to stop my existence as an Energy System to birth myself as Life Here in and as Breath for myself and What is Best for All as Existence Equal and One

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