Sunday, July 22, 2012

Day 97: The Arrogance Character taking full Shape

After surviving the wrath of my mother regarding school, I moved on to a boarding house, run by nuns again, 1 hour away from my city of Birth.
I went there because my mum would no longer allow me to stay at my grandparents, having worked out that I liked it and believing it was not good for me and our relationship.
As a last resort to NOT be sent to boarding school I asked to go and live with my father, my mum contacted him, he allowed me to go for a weekend and then told me he was not able to keep me, that it would have been inconvenient for him to host me now that I was 15 and he lived in a small village with no access to school. My conclusion was that he just didn't want me.
This was a point that marked a big change between me and my mum, by her own admission she started to hate me for having expressed the desire 'to leave her', on my side the anger grew as I saw myself rejected by my mother having decided to pack me off to boarding school and by my father, and my grandparents just kept silent and watch this great injustice done onto me.
As a result I gave up on the permission to go home once a week and staid within the boarding school instead, to spite my mother.
This was the time when she started to show some crazy behaviour, meaning while before there was a sort of logic I could follow whenever we were having an argument, which was often, after this episode things became blurred in her mind and she went on medication for 'mood disorders'. She saw me going to boarding house as well as a safer alternative as she could feel 'she was not well' and saw me out of the way as the best for everybody involved.
At the nuns place, the anger compounded with defiance, I wanted to show myself that I was more clever than they were with their strict rules, washing our hair twice a week vs the once a week they allowed, threw away our food to rush up after dinner to smoke in hiding, and walked around the corridors holding Bertrand Russel book 'Why I am not a Christian', me and Sophia were the ringleaders with no followers as everyone stepped in line with the prayers and all the shenanigans, yet we were piling up 'respect' for our Characters who were fearless -on the surface- defiant, and did not give a shit.
I started to wear only dark colors and held on to this Character of fearlessness for dear life, this is where I started to consolidate arrogance as well as I saw I was more able to portray an image of myself than others and I saw how my being special held others mesmerized and in a state of submission.
Of course as I grew up I became more devious about it all as I realized that arrogance was NOT socially praised, I moved my arrogance inside, into My Secret Mind, in which I was always better and more than others one way or another, fearing to be called out anytime for NOT being that special, pairing only with the 'special' ones like me, snubbing the ones I perceived as 'boring and not exciting' not blatantly but secretly, looking for excitement and fear-full situation in which I could experience the thrill of being alive, seeking experiences for myself at the cost of others, while walking a balancing act, making sure to never appear arrogant as that was NOT rewarded, but spiting them inside my mind when I saw something at which they were better than me, diminishing them, until there was no competition in my mind and I could stand as the Undisputed Unchallenged Alpha Female.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished as I was sent to a Catholic boarding school because I was told as a kid that only if I were bad I would be sent to boarding school and there I was, off to boarding school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished as I held on to the belief that my mother 'did not want me around' and for feeling less than the girls whose mothers held them close to the family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished and worthless when my father said NO to me staying with him and I felt such rejection that I felt ashamed of myself as a worthless piece of crap

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress all these emotions and hide them, turning these emotions and feelings of worthlessness into a festering wound that I perceived and believed I had, believing that I was damaged as only really unworthy kids are sent away from their families in Italy and I must be really unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that only the unworthy kids are not allowed to have a family when in reality many kids have no family and it has nothing to do with their worth but just out of the circumstances of life and having accepted and allowed ourselves to participate in a world where no one is fully supported in any way, financially or mentally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior and unworthy because I wanted to perceive my mother as not wanting me, while I was perfectly capable to see that she was not spiting me but sending me away to a place where she believed I would be less damaged by her own self hatred, that she believed she felt for me for having 'rejected ' her and could not contain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated myself because I believed I was rejected by my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a 'Rebel Character' as a way to get even with all the injustices I perceived and wanted to believe I had gone through in my life as a way to justify my behaviour and why it was that I only wanted to think about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others and on this fear build a Character of Arrogance that displayed intellectual tastes, such as for books I did not care to read but carried around to show my superiority as the choice of books I made, which I used to define myself as I chose titles that were defined and considered 'Intellectual', meaning that were read by Intelligent people who were more than stupid people, as I feared to be considered and judged stupid for having walked away from scientific studies just because I could not match the 'image status' of the students that attended the expensive private school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on Intelligence and Intellect above myself as Life, making the Intelligent/ Intellectual people -in my eyes- more than the ones who were not Intelligent/Intellectual, hoping that by association I would be considered Intelligent/Intellectual and not Stupid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid for the choices I made out of fear in my life, as I was unable to stand the pressure of anything New and did not have the Patience to give myself a little time to adjust as I am a product of a Consumerist society, that teaches that if you fail once or on one topic YOU are a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/am a Failure, I am Not a Failure just because I have failed something in my Life and I no longer accept the ALL ROUND definition of myself as a Failure for what I have not done right, that I can stand and self correct by applying myself again and learning from the first miss-takes I made

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was right to feel superior to everyone because they were inferior as a FACT, while I was the one making up the facts, manipulating memories and reality to suit the idea I wished to have of myself as being better and more than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame for not being wanted by my family according to my own manipulated perception that allowed me to be spiteful inside, by thinking that through my behavior I was just giving back what I got, which was rejection and diminishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others if they knew I went to boarding school which I translated as "Not having been wanted by my family", not having had anyone step up and say 'I'll take her' believing that I was unworthy and undesired and that I had to build up some Character to 'show them' what they missed out by not wanting me, which led me to build the Arrogant Character, wanting to believe I was more than what I believed and perceived my family had defined me as, unworthy to be kept and cared for, as I used these memories to weaponize myself against the world, establishing that if my family was my enemy so was all the world and that whatever I wanted I would have to get for myself because nobody cared for me but it was just because they failed to see how special I was 'inside'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be 'special' as a way to get the love that seemed to go to the 'special ones', that I allowed myself to believe I had not got from my family which meant I was NOT special and this justifid my existence as the 'Character that Desires to be Special'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, out of my perceived rejection and unworthiness to build a Character that 'knows better' than anyone, that is better than anyone, so I would never have to be challenged again by outside forces trying to make me feel inferior, as I failed to see that there was only me playing this demented game within my mind and that only I could make myself feel inferior, because noone can 'make me feel or experience ' anything as I am the one who decides how I experience myself either through standing up and directing myself or by being trashed around by my Memory and Characters, each one fighting for a space and the limelight while I disappear in the background, too fearful to stand up to this majestic war happening inside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the War that happens inside of me is too Majestic for me to stand up, STOP my participation in It and redirect myself to What is Best for All, failing to remind myself that at all times I am the One that Decides

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become Arrogant in a perceived self defense for which I myself created the need for, in fear of being attacked or 'made to feel something or experience something' and so I used arrogance within my Mind to make myself more, above, superior, so I could counter attack the imaginary strikes of others against me as a Character that I myself allowed myself to design and embody, believing this to be me, allowing Characters to become Me to use Me as living Flesh to sustain themselves, while I accepted myself to live the lies that I had to BeLieve to allow my Characters as me to have a 'Life' of their own, even though their existence is/was against Life and myself as Life and What is Best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this story of my Life is me as who I really am, and that these experiences that I have filed and stored in support of my Characters are in fact Me and define Me, within a limited set of Characters that limit Me as Self Expression, Here, in every moment of Breath, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Characters are not Real and I can either spend my Life in support of What is not real, or STOP and support myself as the physical to walk away from anything that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories of myself as experiences to define who I was and who I will be, in a consistent time loop of stupidity, failing to see that it is me that decides and that when I let go the memories that held the Characters in place I can set myself free and learn what Self expression as Me is, Here in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to stop my existence as a Character that is generated by and through memories of me failing as a reason for the existence of such Character in the first place, in this game of Hide and Seek that I am playing with myself, stopping using distractions and excuses to Not be Here, while I live in fear of What is Here, instead of seeing and realizing that there is One place to fear where fear exists and that is within My Mind as I play competing Characters that do not get along, that do not share the same Opinions and that end up driving me crazy, if I accept it and allow it, which I commit myself to NOT accept and allow anymore

I commit myself to become consistent in breathing, in bringing me back to earth, earthing myself every time I catch myself flying off after a thought, no matter how clever the though or how interesting the path laid out in front of me might seem, as I see realize and understand, that I have never been led anywhere that was worth the trip and that when I am following a thought I am in Character already, and I want to Stop this Character Play and I am the One that decides, so remind myself that I do have a choice and that I have already made my choice as The Decision to stand for Life

I commit myself to be patient, to not get upset or judgemental when I catch myself following a thought, as I see that I have layered my life as Characters that now have their own thoughts within me as me, and that it will take some time to repossess my dispossessed body as the physical and stop this take over, but that I can do it, step by step, breath by breath, until I stand Clear of the Monstrosity I myself have created within and as me as the Mind Consciousness System that is now fighting for its own survival vs its End as the Emergence of Life on Earth, One and Equal for everyone

I commit myself to forgive myself for my participation in and as the Mind Consciousness System absolutely, as I see realize and understand that only absolute self forgiveness will give myself and this World the Absolute Absolution for what we have done as Crimes against Life, and I want this Absolution for myself and I give it to myself absolutely so that All of existence may receive it too Equal and One.

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