This Character originated in childhood, when I connected my mother's emotional and feeling response to my presence and my Beingness as the cause of her suffering.
I then went on using this Character because the idea and belief that I can in fact 'make others suffer' made me feel powerful, superior and above them.
This Character has a polarity, I can make people suffer or 'Grace them' both ways I am aware of the perceived potential to affect other people emotions and feelings, both ways I get to feel more than others, either by my power to make them suffer, through clever remarks and nasty comments always concealed as 'humor' or through NOT doing so, when I clearly saw an opportunity and I willingly gave it up so I could feel good about myself for Gracing them.
The interesting thing about this Character is that since it originated from guilt and self judgement it seeks guilt and self judgement in others, as if it could level the Field somehow of its own perceived inadequacies because when everyone is finally exposed for 'who and what they are' I get to re-experience both the guilt and self judgement, but I share it with someone else, or so I perceive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause and the origin of my mother emotional and feeling response when I was a child
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for how others perceived themselves as this led me to give away my own self responsibility for how I perceived myself and I made others responsible, faulty and guilty of what went on inside of me when around and interacting with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of my mother emotional and feeling response to me as a child
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the cause of my mother's emotional and feeling response as a Child, because if I were, that would mean 'she cared for me /about me' because only those that we care about can hurt/harm us and that meant I was close to her and she was close to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that one day she would no longer be hurt by my presence or what I said would lose its impact on her, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my grip on the emotional and feeling response of my mother because that would mean she no longer cared for me/about me and that we had grown apart since I have accepted and allowed myself to associate closeness to someone to the ability to make them suffer/harm them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about seeing this point within me because this point drags along a string of moments in my Life in which I sought and desired to make someone suffer/harm them to be sure that they in fact cared for me/about me because I did not know how else to be sure about their caring for me/about me, unless they suffered in my presence if and when I decided to exercise my perceived power to make them suffer
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expose and subject my partners to this game in which I sought to make them suffer/harm them through jealousy or carelessness or grudges or nasty remarks, so I could check through their emotional response if they did in fact care about me/for me, believing that I could always fix it afterward once I had my energy fix of feeling important and powerful no matter the damage or the harm I had to inflict on someone to make myself feel good and cared for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could in fact harm others by eliciting reactive responses within them as if I were the cause or the origin of their reaction, failing to see that I was only playing this game within my mind, using triggers that I had identified within them, weaknesses that were already existing as their reactive points and that did not define my ability to harm or damage someone but my ability to seek out points of reactiveness for my own self interest within their perceived diminishment of themselves
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as BAD, for having developed such a Character that sought the suffering of others for its own validation and existence as important and all powerful, failing to see that I have been Role playing with other Characters for the purpose of moving myself into emotions and feelings so I would get to feel Alive, it didn't matter on which end of the spectrum of Good or Bad as long as the Intensity as an energetic Charge was there for me to feed on
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the memory of the first time I realized my mother's reactions were dependent on me and what I did and how I behaved, which was the first time she shouted at me exiting primary school for having been told that I 'could have done more, that I was so clever but never applying myself fully' and so I connected my not applying myself fully to a display of interest in another for me, which even if it took the form of anger and shouting was better than not being noticed or validated and confirmed that I in fact existed and was alive
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this memory of my mum shouting at me for the first time, in public, outside school, in a place where I could be exposed for not having been good and having pleased my mother with all the sacrifices she did to send me to a private Catholic school, that sent me into fear and shame and a feeling of a cracking inside as if I split into two, was a Reaction that connected with that moment imprinted a memory on which I built a whole Character as the 'One that makes people suffer', even though I did not believe this to be true but I then embodied this character because together with the shame and the guilt and the fear, I felt energy moving and I felt alive and I held on to this desire for aliveness however and wherever I could get it, no matter how upset I would have to get others to get an intense energy feedback and re-experience the aliveness of fear and guilt and shame at the maximum voltage
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to that one moment in my Life, failing to realize that I had just imprinted myself with a memory of a moment during which I had not been an effective solution or stood One and Equal to myself as my physical body to see and understand what was going on within me, instead I sought to suppress this experience due to the guilt and the shame and the fear I felt and believed to be me as who I really Am and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect that one moment to fear and shame and guilt and for believing those emotions to be who I really Am, instead of realizing it was just a movement of energy and I am not defined by Energy or Energy movements unless I accept and allow myself to define myself as such
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace sentences like 'hurt people hurt people' or 'who has been damaged is dangerous because they know they can survive' as reminders and re-inforcers of that one memory of a moment in which I perceived myself as having been hurt and damaged by my mother through the emotions I felt and believed were caused by her, not seeing and realizing I was the one creating those emotions inside of me out of the fear of NOT having pleased by mother and that now I was in danger for my own survival
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not pleasing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop subCharacters of this one Main Character that expressed in demonic writings, on which I unleashed all my suppressed emotions and blamed them on others, making them responsible for how I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself within my own self created reactions, and for spending a lot of time apologizing afterward, seeking the for-giveness of others for my thoughts/Words and deeds, hoping to be Graced because I had Graced them many times when I had not leashed out on them and made them responsible before that one moment for 'everything they put me through' and I had the right to be for-given for this one time in which I lost it and went Postal on them, yet what I always sought was my own Self-Forgiveness which I would not grant to myself because I judged my thoughts, words and deeds as unforgivable once the demonic rush was over
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for ways to make myself right and justify why I was entitled to my own demonic possession which I believed and percieved were caused by imaginary harms that 'others put me through', failing to see I could never for-give myself what I would not own and take responsibility for because if I was NOT responsible I could not be for-given
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I craved and desired the for-giveness of others after I acted out this demonic energy possession and failed to see that I always desired and craved my own self forgiveness and my own standing as the Self Correction to make sure I would not give in to demonic possession ever again, no matter how righteous and Alive they made me feel while I allowed myself to be possessed and within this I FORGIVE MYSELF for who I have been as an Evil Character within the Play of Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own Survival and for accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in a world where the survival of All is not Equally guaranteed but always dependent on 'something' external such as parents first and then a job and relationships, failing to see that such a set up would be a guarantee that all of us/me would have to compromise ourselves/me as Life to make sure we/me could reduce our Fears of survival to a minimum while trampling others on our way to safety, no matter what it took
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hold on to this Character as a form of self punishment that displays that I am Noble at heart because I can see my faults and won't dismiss them so easily, and within this create a Character that is judgmental and not forgiving of myself and others because I keep tabs of what goes on, of my expression and that of others, trying to keep the books squared and when always failing short, making up stories about why and how I came to lie and compromise myself and others so I could sustain the existence of some of my Characters while embodying others as cover ups of righteousness which were not real as much as the faulty ones were not ever Real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this Character of 'having been harmed and damaged' as an excuse and justification about why I harmed and damaged others', failing to see that there were no others but Me, harming and damaging me in senseless loops of stupidity that I kept in place so as to never uncover the truth that none of my Characters were real but that in the process of creating Characters I perceived I had lost my self so much as I had con-vinced everyone including me that I was in fact those Characters and now I did not know how to go back to Authenticity or what it even meant as I had forgot to remember that there was nothing TO DO to become Authentic, or I would create another Character who was 'Authentic' in separation from myself, but to bring myself back Here in and as Breath, where I do not have to remember how to be Life because Life is Here and has always been Here while I was the one busying myself somewhere else within my Characters Creation
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the 'I harm people' Character or the precursor which is 'I have been harmed/damaged', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am none of these Characters as they live off memories and as such they are not Life, I bring myself back Here through breathing and stop my participation in and as a Character and Character Creation
I commit myself to become aware of all the Characters I embody so I may STOP the existence of me as a Character, becoming the Care taker of myself until I stop the existence of me as madness and delusions and nothing of what I have created that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is best for ALL exists anymore but Life as Breath Here, One and Equal for All