Day 421: Virtual Relationships

I have just finished watching the movie 'HER', which I highly recommend.

I found it both sad and enlightening about how I have lived my own relationships and still tend to do - in my head and not applied in the physical world.

What's worse is that I did not improve with time, yet, I got worse, more distracted, more withdrawn, always resenting having to give up my 'me' time to put it into creating something real.

So sad memories about my marriage and my last relationship popped up and I am now writing to release them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to sad memories of my marriage as a way to punish myself and within this for making my memories instrumental to support specific emotions of sadness I want to feel entitled to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel unbalanced by the potential 'return' of A. because I believe I cannot contextualize this specific relationship in this moment in my life and within this for feeling already burdened, weighed down, heavy at the idea of having to walk a real relationship in the physical world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush my emotions under the carpet and not look at them because they seem to have roots everywhere in my life and within this for feeling overwhelmed by the task of having to address the point of relationships to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing better than suppression because I still hold on to the memory of the alternative I witnessed while growing up, which was to go crazy and be all over the place like my mother did, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am already unstable and all over the place and that my suppression leads to the exact behavior I did not want to repeat which is to blow up when I can't contain it all anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time thinking about what will I say to A. if he calls, what will I reply, what will I do, instead of stopping, breathing and go on with my life trusting that I can address anything in self honesty in the moment when a point comes up and I need to direct it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry at the idea that I might cave in to have a relationship or deny myself a relationship in fear and within this for seeking good reason as in faulty points in another as a deterrent to not do that instead of assessing the situation when the time will come and direct it to a solution that is best for all - which I don't yet know what it will be and if it will be and so it is useless spending my time this way instead of keep on walking my life and my process

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not prepare all my speeches, all my possible replies to every possible input I may be taken by surprise and end up acting out automatically one of my relationship's pattern and within this for believing that I am unable to change and overcome my weaknesses and limitation even though I proved to myself that I was able to do that in other aspects of my life and relationships are nothing different, just another point of patterning that I can release and rewrite to a solution that works for all, even if it may require a longer, more specific application

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety and to store anxiety in my solar plexus regarding my process and its incompatibility with relationships and within this for fearing that I may call him just because I want some company creating further unnecessary confusion for both

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to live out virtual relationships vs real ones because I don't want to be bothered by having to face all the triggers/reactions/annoyances that I perceive exist within a real relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that if I stick to my commitment to be a self responsible human being I can take responsibility for everything that happens inside of myself and not project it outside on another or onto something like a relationship and I can instead seize the opportunity to correct myself to create myself as a being that can live anywhere with anyone within the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I would rather have virtual relationships than real ones is because I do not like what I see of myself when I am in a relationship and within this for fearing to face myself in the mirror of a real relationship instead of stopping all self judgement which is the cause of the fear I have to face myself and the self judgement that will follow and just work to change what I can't live with into what I can live with and be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I make a change within a relationship immediately doubt myself, immediately tell myself 'you are fake, you are faking' so that I make sure I never develop self trust and trust myself that my change may feel awkward because it's just a new behavior and I do not yet stand as it completely and within this for accepting and allowing myself as the mind to tell me I am fake and I cannot be trusted as a way to create further friction within myself that leads to my desire to give it all up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that 'giving up, is just another design, it's a fail safe system to make sure I do not stray from my preprogrammed reality and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that I could instead use the rising desire to give up as a flag for a point of transcendence that I can walk through by applying myself in writing and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop entertaining relationships in my mind, to instead breathe, walk, live and when a relationship of any kind presents itself in my physical reality to be fully present in the moment to honor, respect and consider another as would like to be considered myself.

Related articles

• Day 419: Relationships - Bread and Butter of My Existence
• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 137: Trusting Myself To Deal With It
• day 507: self-judgement
• Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character
• Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

Day 419: Relationships - Bread and Butter of My Existence

I am still looking at the point of relationships, what they meant in my life and how I ended up building up very (ineffective) protection walls and pre-eventive resentment towards men who enter my life.

When I looked at this point in my life, my grandfather popped up, how his focus for me was on 'getting a good man' and most advises of him revolved around this point, yes studying was important, the job was important but the real juicy part of my life would be 'a man', so on one side I had grandfather who was all 'go for it' and my grandmother who was all 'check what you can get out of it' which could sum up my stance with men in a quite schizophrenic one, the wanting and then the resentment because it seems there is never 'enough for me' in a relationship.

In time of course as these 2 urges added up what was left of my relationship with men was a desire to dominate to make sure I don't get sucked into the first part of the equation making them all important and then the desire to get rid of them when the first part failed and I blame them for 'having tampered with my life AGAIN with little or nothing in return'.

My ex boyfriend came around a couple of nights ago and as he talked, calmly, centered about relationships in general I realized that I lived all my relationships as doomed from the start and in the process worked hard to accelerate the ending so I can get over the pull and push I feel within myself and return to 'my life'.

The point of living for 'the ending' is very strong within myself and manifests in different ways, even living is something I do for the ending, I yearned for the ending as a teenager, married my mind into beliefs that 'you pay death with life' and made anything that doesn't end properly a problem, even movies, nothing could be more disappointing that a movie that ends with 'we'll deal with it tomorrow', because that's not an ending, that's an half ass ending.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry within me my grandfather and grandmother as a model of living because I associated their being 'succesful' with money and having a nice house and comfortable living as knowledge about 'how to live' and imprinted myself with all sorts of beliefs that revolved around relationships and how to have a successful one, up-holding teachings coming from people who didn't have a successful relationship themselves but one made of make beliefs, lies and suppression

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that for a relationship to work which I measure in 'time' units I have to work on make beliefs, lies and suppression and within this process for going the opposite way, bringing out in the open what was going on in my mind without first taking responsibility for it and not working to blame another for how 'I felt' or how 'I perceived myself' and within this for blaming another for how I experienced myself instead of stopping, breathing, taking time to assess what was happening within me and commit to not speak until I was clear of any reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a relationship is not  'the cherry on a cake' but the cake itself, accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing else of value in life but a good relationship and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that, if there is nothing else of value, that includes me and it is not possible to have a good relationship unless the two parties value themselves and the relationship equally and not one or the other more

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a man comes into my life, resent him already at the thought of how this will screw with my life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was never a man screwing with my life but myself by going into my mind in all sorts of memories, projections, emotions and feelings until I felt overwhelmed and made the man the cause and object of my frustration because 'I did not feel that way' or 'was not that way' before he came around so it must be his fault

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I connected men and problems in my life was not because they brought the problems in my life but because when a man came around I activated everything that already existed in me in relationship to men which is distrust, a sense of oppression and a desire to move swiftly to the end so we can spare each other some of the most unpleasant passages to get there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value 'the ending' more than the journey, making my life unnecessarily hard by devaluing walking through it, the process of building myself and within this for believing that Life is hard and unfulfilling which is why we have to pay death with Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe Death/The ending of something must be payed for with some token like struggle, identifying in death, the end of something a moment of relief instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my perception that endings were bringing 'relief' to myself as my mind because I removed myself from the active triggering of things that were existent within me and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the problem and the solution to my instability and perceived struggles

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the sense of oppression I felt every time a man was around was determined by how my mind would become activated with personalities, past experiences and memories that I then projected on the man at hand to make him the cause and within this for making myself unable to see that a man would come and bring an opportunity for self awareness to me about what I need to correct, let go and rewrite about myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex boyfriend came around and he gave such a great -full of common sense speech to immediately feel a sense of loss and think 'I cannot reverse this, I have already told my mum it's over' which then skyrocketed inside of me in a sense of wanting to blame my mother for how much I still care about what she thinks and if she approves about my life or not and within this for feeling appalled at myself that I would even have such a thought at my age

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking my mother as the point of blame for me wanting her approval is the same as taking the men in my life and wanting to blame them for how I feel about myself when I am in a relationship and within this for wanting to resist my own responsibility to myself about my choices, words, thoughts, feelings and emotions because it just seems too much to deal with and within this for giving up my power to change and release myself from my past once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have used my mother and the men in my life to project on them the cause of my internal experiences instead of seeing where I was with clarity and make the necessary corrections as I go 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest with myself about my relationships and for having put myself through the 'I don't care, I didn't care' frame of mind to show myself that I didn't lose anything of importance, that there was no damage done for real because I didn't care in the first place, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do care, I did care and that I have done damage with my words, thoughts and deeds and within this I forgive myself for acting in an inconsiderate way toward another in a relationship, be it intimate or otherwise

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a man comes along in my life, to allow myself to be fully absorbed by thoughts, ideas and plans of what we could do together, how much fun we could have and within this for accepting and allowing myself to push myself off my point of balance, my hard worked for stability just to follow a dream, an idea, my imagination, until I lose myself into the 'what it could be' vs working for what it can be as am consistent application of myself in the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the underlying resentment I feel for men that I would potentially enjoy spending time with is the hidden blame of what I am preparing to blame them (and then resent them for 'putting me in the situation of having to blame them'!) for in the future while I think, speak and act irresponsibly following ideas, memories and past programming about relationships with men and their outcome and within this for blaming others in advance for what I will think, say and do in relationship to them as time goes by instead of stopping supporting myself with breathing and correcting myself as things come up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only two ways to have a relationship, either full on or full off and for not seeing realizing and understanding that the only reason why I have never considered what is best for all is because this point is not present in my programming and I will have to create it as myself using the tools of self forgiveness to let the past go and self corrective application to rewrite who I want to be in a relationship/agreement next time around

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when one of my buddies said 'You must dominate the relationship not let the man do that' to have a reaction and think 'I have always done that' without seeing, realizing and understanding that this was not what that sentence implied nor what I have done so far as so far I have tried to dominate men for my self interest and not to dominate as in its original meaning 'to master' the relationship for myself and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the point of relationships is one of my transcendence point and one that I have used as the mind to keep throwing myself off balance and that investing time in building myself up into the strong independent woman I can be is not required only if I have a relationship but on the contrary it is required because relationships have showed me that I can be thrown off by a man or a relationship easily, an indicator that my stance is not yet absolute and this is where I need to work on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I committed to stand in process with one back door - relationships and that I have been using others as relationships to sway and prove to myself that I can go back to old patterns in one moment instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can delete this back door inside me, not to not allow myself to live a relationship/agreement but to not allow myself to be changed/defined by a man/relationship/agreement because I have worked diligently to define myself first and to walk the definitions of myself for myself and all of existence, equal and one

I commit myself to keep investigating this point within the realization that 'relationships with men' is one of my weaknesses I have not yet fully addressed

I commit myself to walking this process and keep recommitting myself no matter how hard I believe I have fallen out of it or what my mind tells me when I fall, about how much easier it would be to not stand up anymore

I commit myself to realize that this process is the most important thing I have ever done and I am doing for myself and all of existence Equal and One and to not let anything interfere with what I know I have to do to change myself -and the world as my reflection with me

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Related articles

• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character
• Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

Day 222: You are Nobody Till Somebody Loves You - Character

With this blog I am going to investigate the point of 'romantic relationships' what they meant to me, how I built my life around them and how I felt justified to suppres it all when I boarded the Desteni Process, just because I started process from the point of 'renouncing' what I had understood so far 'living' was. Hence since relationships were one of my big fuck ups, I would give them up for good.
This decision came with consequences, some of which I have already written about and some that I will explore in the following days because this point is quite large which is another reason why I did not want to take it on, plus of course, to leave for myself another chance at the "experience of relationship" when I would decide I wanted one.

'Renunciation' as a point came up as I was chatting with a friend who is walking process like me and while I had become aware of my fear of being attractive, I have not dug into the why as "Fear of relationships", as feeling exposed to the possibility that someone, somewhere would come along and tell me 'I love you' and then off I would go back on the Merry go Round of Feelings and Emotions, spinning out of control, sabotaging everything I Have walked so far.

So, as I have been wobbling walking process for a week now as I fought like Luke Skywalker to push down everything that was coming up after my first love came back on the scene, and as I said to myself for a few days, gotta write it all out, I kept postponing in fear that I might lose my last chance at a 'high' so to speak, when in fact for the first time I have created enough 'space' inside myself to be able to realize what I was doing and that my fears are unjustified and they need to be released.
Many points came up about why I told myself 'never again' with regard to relationships and I will walk them all, but as I prepared to gather all these points inside of me to see more clearly, this song by Dean Martin popped up.

At the time when I praised and practiced "Romance", this song used to make me cry. Few days ago when the theme popped up again I felt angry, and I started to look at all the songs I have memorized about love which have more or less the same take, how insignificant we are without Love, minuscule, Nobodies, scum of the earth.

Interesting that within that perception of ourselves we then WALK into relationships, in my case looking for a fix to everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not, a sure recipe for disaster, because once the ride of the emotions and feelings ends, we fall on our asses, we fall to start with, as we board the Love delusion, that's why is called "Falling in Love", instead of staying firmly with our feet on the ground beyond emotions and feelings to see how supportive a relationship can truly be, if there is a chance to expand and grow together, if we can make a commitment that will last because we'll put in the work to make it last.

So, as an Italian, as a representative of the CULTure of Love, I was exposed since I was little to Love Songs, which are nothing more than Codes, codes that we write within ourselves and then accept and allow to set standards and guidelines about 'what relationships should be about'.

Many of the Love songs I listened to were about tragic Loves, she left, he left, she died, he died, she was unfaithful -he killed her (this is possibly only in our Culture :)) but then he went to jail and spent his life thinking about her, she was betrayed but then She Survived, She Was Strong Enough etc.

Tragedy apparently is the best ingredient for lyrics, we make movies with happy endings and songs with tragic endings, as a living example of our bipolar existence of desires and fears as The Mind, plus artists seem to need that kind of kick in the face to get moving, to 'express' themselves as their sorrows.

So it is no wonder that since an early age my life revolved around the idea of romance and great love, I was Nobody until somebody loved me, never in a million years can mothers who don't love and accept themselves unconditionally teach their children otherwise.

My mum was not very romantic, but she was man-dependant, it is really weird because she always ended up in poor relationships that led nowhere, my father left telling her he was going to buy cigarettes after 3 years of marriage, the second long relationship she had was with a gambler she ended up supporting financially as well and that would belittle her at every possible chance and what I saw was always a very capable woman who went into a wobble around men, her behaviour was kind of disgusting to me, the fact that she would lock herself in her bedroom on Sundays and wail and then come out all bothered with red eyes, led me to think that living relationships with men from the starting point of 'need' was demeaning and embarrassing.

This is how and why I developed a relationship personality specifically for men which backfired big time Sooo many times one would think I would have revisited and corrected myself. But NO, I did not, instead I created layer upon layer of justification about why I had a right to exist in such a spiteful way, always trying to be in control so I wouldn't have to live as my mother lived, as a woman diminishing herself day by day, seeking the 'love' of a man just so she could be somebody, ending up exactly like my mother in a suppressed denied version, and by the time I ended my relationship with my ex h., there was little of me left at all.

Tomorrow I will start to walk my Self Forgiveness about 'Who I have been within relationships with men' to return myself to me, to stop this diminishment that creates cravings and creates backdoors for self manipulation into emotion and feelings, as it has happened to me this past week, so I can just "feel" alive, one last time.

Related articles

• Day 213: The Loop Designer - Character
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