Day 150: Heaven Can't Wait

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a resistance to the truth of Our Creation because I don't want to hear or read something that doesn't make me feel good about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good/positive about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a resistance within me regarding the word 'robot' because I have judged robot to be less than humans

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am less than a robot because I have not been able to program myself for what is best for all but just for what is best for me within self interest in fear and separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the word 'robot' applied to humans because robots are not alive and I want to hold on to the illusion that I am alive and not ali(v)e

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, whenever I sit down to read Heaven's Journey to Life, to desire to fiddle, get up and do something else, without wanting to notice the discomfort I feel every time I push myself to read, hoping that the discomfort would go away by itself and not having to face that I in fact hate facing the reality of what we have become which in my Mind is diminished to a machine like existence and not even a good one at that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach Heaven's Blogs as everything else I do, hoping that the discomfort will go away, denying that I feel discomfort and ultimately Suppressing the discomfort, because I don't see a common sense reason for my discomfort as I judge it as 'not logical' and I don't want to put in the time to look what is it that I have created that now has me kicking and screaming through the process of reading, but instead push for the kicking and screaming in the face of my discomfort just so as to not address how I experience myself in diminishment and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I read Heaven's blogs regarding the utter cruelty of this creation and for feeling angry that no one else shows the same resistance but gratitude, which seems to me as the Mind so fucking misplaced  because being led out of this mess is the very fucking least that the Creator should do for us, given that we have not come with an instruction manual or any sort of awareness of what it was that we were creating and how

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this Creation and the Creators and for not caring that it was the Atlanteans or the Reptilians or the Blueberry Muffins that got us where we are, and that I find disgusting that there was no awareness to start with regarding where this path was going to lead us in such a world and I want to blame them for where we are and hold on to my righteousness of 'you got us here now you get us out of here'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame the creators of this existence and for wishing that they were forced into it to experience what is it like to be stuck into a Mind Consciousness System and if they would be so cool and dandy then about being willing to swap places from where they have an overview of everything and how everything works, to the encaging of ourselves into thoughts, feelings and emotions that we are just starting to grasp that we can decide if we want to participate with or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'they have it sweet' from up there in the clouds giving interviews on the hows and whys and for wanting them to pay for what they did, because we are not toys that could be created, wound up and set about a world just to produce energy for Heaven and there should not be any gratitude for this process because it is owed to us as part of each one taking responsibility for the fuck ups and getting us out of here and out of the delusion of separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that those that do something that I judge as 'wrong' should 'pay' for it, which is what plays out at the moment into our imaginary Justice System, where through opinions that we call Laws some get to pay for their imaginary wrongdoings and we all get to feel safer and happier about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to kick Anu through the Heavens until I won't feel this rage anymore but that we have proficiently squared the books

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to use logic to overcome my feelings and thoughts about this Creation, without seeing and realizing that my logic is not common sensical at the moment but a product of my mind, in which I will always desire to find the wrongs and right them, because as a Mind I live in and as polarity, and that until I live within the box of my own mind regarding this Creation point I won't be able to see the solution as me but only me as the problem and someone else as the solution to me as the problem

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that if I kept pushing all this would go away and I would not have to face this existential rage for this creation and the disgust for what it turned out to be, instead of facing my rage and take responsibility for it so I can clear it and move on through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at this/my creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame another for this creation and within this I forgive myself that, through this simple act of blaming, I give my power away for myself as this Creation as I state that I am not response-able for it because it's someone else's mess and They should be the ones doing the cleaning up and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my power to the desire to not be responsible just because I no longer remember how I got here, and yet when I can walk myself through the 'how I got here' I don't want to, I resist it, because when I do walk the hows and I am then faced with the Truth of me and my responsibility for this creation I will no longer be able to blame it on another and I will have to stand absolute as a point that needs to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I don't remember how I got here, this is enough to not make me responsible as I associate responsibility with knowledge and then with blame and then guilt and shame, instead of seeing self response -ability for what it is, not an emotion but a standing as a piece of this puzzle that decided to realign to oneness and equality and what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I did not have the same 'yeah, Heaven's Blogs' of the rest of the group as I compared my participation to the participation of others and judged myself as less and bad, because of my resistances and stubborn unwillingness to look at them, instead of just facing the point and realigning myself to the benefits that this information is giving us to clear the fog and support our process of equalization to existence as One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up ideas about what I can expose as something that I as the Mind criticize and what I cannot criticize within the group because I fear that some things are not up for being questioned and so my feelings and thoughts are not valid and have to be suppressed, instead of seeing and realizing my thoughts and feelings are showing me who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and there cannot be anything that is off limits as I walk my path to realignment or, like in this case, I postpone taking on a topic because of my own judgements about it, and then I have to drag myself through a task that I have seen as important just because I was unwilling to clear myself through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I am unable to grasp Heaven's blog because my mind wanders many times through it, instead of seeing and realizing, my mind wandered because I allowed myself to pile up thoughts and emotions that distracted me that I did not clear up and that stood between me and the understanding of what was written in very clear terms for everyone to grasp, including myself

I commit myself to stop my existence as existential rage for this Creation as I see, realize and understand Rage comes up when I believe I am not in charge and therefore I "charge", instead I see realize and understand I am in charge of how I experience myself and the world around me and this includes Heaven's blogs

I commit myself to breathe through Heaven's blogs and be consistent in my readings so as to not pile up material that I then want to rush through to catch up and be up to date

I commit myself to, if and  as I see my mind start to wander, offering thoughts as diversion, to stop and breathe, keep reading without accepting the diversion so that I can read it once effectively and not 10 times to manage to align myself to the content which I could have gotten the first time without distractions

I commit myself to stop my fear of knowing the truth about me/Us and this Creation, because when I fear I am not Here and when I am not Here I cannot Hear what I read effectively.

Related articles

• Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven
• Thoughts: Pixels of the Screen of the Mind - Part 1: DAY 145
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 2: DAY 148
• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• The Mind System's Unconscious/Subconscious Mind Relationship - Part 1: DAY 159
• Day 148: Swopping Places
• Day 79: Blame Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 119: Suppression Character Self forgiveness statements
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF
• Day 96: Individual Above Group?

Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven

As we write our Journey to Life Blogs, Creation, Earth and Heaven are writing their as well.

How do I experience myself within reading those Blogs?

When I read Earth's Journey to Life blogs, I just see common sense, sometimes I react, mainly when I want to say things like 'come on, this is not important, with the kind of mess we are in, this is menial' but I can work those feelings and emotion out and go back to the Blog consistently as I have seen how supportive it has been to open up Characters for myself.

When I read Creation's Journey to Life, I have ups and downs, basically like when I read Earth's but more accentuated, and I experience myself as on a continuous ride as what I believed I had grasped the day before I have to question again today in relation to another point, so I would say destabilizing but again, like when I get a painful massage, that kind of sour pain that I know 'it's good for me'

Then comes Heaven, I definitely don't want to go to Heaven!

So I decided to look at why when I sit down to read Heaven's Blogs I have so much resistance coming up, even though I find them very interesting, the ones I can understand and where I don't lose myself in word loops, I have tried talking to myself about it and reminding myself how much I enjoy them once I start reading, and yet, when I sit down, I fiddle, then I want to read the news first, then have a glass of water and spend 1 hour in the kitchen and some evenings I do so much that I manage to successfully forget to read them just to pile them up, with the anxiety that goes with 'being behind' to then have a marathon to bring myself up to date.

So what is it that I resist about Heaven's Blogs?

One point that I have seen clearly with Eqafe Material as well is that I resist anything that spells out that I am a robot and tries to explain the in depth mechanics of how we function.

I find this news to be the hardest I had to swallow since joining Desteni, not because I have in any way a doubt that I am not, just because there is a part of this Creation story that I find horrifying, terrible, scary and if possible I don't want to know about it, I don't want the gory details of how machine-like we have become because I secretly treasure all my other beliefs about how 'special we are' and that we were created by a loving and benevolent God and the gap between my previous knowledge and this information is so wide that when I attempt to close it I fear to fall into the crack to just never come back.

I have done the traditional cracking at the beginning, the shock and the trauma and then I began to be scared of being traumatised again, not knowing how much more trauma can I take in one life about myself and who I am as looking at myself as a machine is Not Cool and doesn't make me feel good about myself, in fact it makes me feel like shit, even though I came to this path by logic in a way, having seen humanity on an automated path and patterns of self destruction, automated like in automaton such as robotic, without tools for Self correction that I only found trough Desteni.

So basically, I don't want to go to Heaven, because Hell as where I am and what I know seems better, seems safer, and because every time I read one of these blogs the first thoughts that come up is the utter cruelty of this creation and the utter disrespect for Humanity as I see the suffering that yes, may be self inflicted, but we did not come here with an instruction manual and so what I don't want to face in Heaven's blog is the anger that I feel, the desire to kick down walls and shake the Creators while I shout 'how the fuck comes you could not see where all this was leading, you omnipotent, omniscient God of my Ass?' and guess what? Back to square one and the Righteousness of the Atlanteans, still holding the fucking grudge for having ended up here at the bottle neck of creation, the ''I' of the Needle to just have to walk back the whole Creation up to point Zero and face the truth, Creator, Creation and Created as One and Equal.

Tomorrow I Will walk my self forgiveness for the existential rage and the desire to not face the point that we are walking the consequences of what we set in motion while we were not self responsible Creators from the starting point of Oneness and Equality as What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103
• Sub-Personality Backchat Creation - Part 2: DAY 122
• Character Resonance Evolution - Part 2: DAY 126
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 2: DAY 148
• The Science of Thought - Introduction: DAY 149
• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• Day 131: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part1)
• Day 154: After Death Communication - Part 4

Day 55: Some Reactions are 'Normal'' ?

I have been accumulating reactions, and then done what I have done most of my Life, denied them, normalized them and ultimately, suppressed them.

Two that seem linked are related to Heaven's Blogs and the Atlanteans series, yet they are linked in a point that I saw last night after chatting with my Buddy.

Both are outlining my responsibility for Creation, which I don't want to take, because it seems too big and I wasn't even there or can't remember and I don't know if I were an Atlantean, was I ?

Not to mention the Heaven's Blogs,  they fly over my head, I can't even keep the sentences together as they are too long, too convoluted, I am up to date with the Essence of the story, but that's about it.

Yet within all these justifications there is one point in common, if I see that All is One and that Existence exists in Each One of Us, One and Equal, what do I need to take on My Responsibility for Creation ?

The Log of my previous Life participation to see what I did in each Life so I can take just My Share of Responsibility and wait for everyone else to take theirs ?

Because it's Unfair that I should 'Blame' myself for it all, which raises another point of how I still criss cross Blame and Responsibility in my Mind, isn't 'responsibility' the politically correct word through which we communicate to each other 'Who's to Blame"?

Is this what this resistance is all about ?

The point that in fact I don't want to be responsible for It All, Equally with everyone else, I want to be Less responsible, not Equally, so I justify myself with the point that I just can't take responsibility for what I cannot remember, yet we are Here, within an existence of Abuse that makes no sense at all, going nowhere, repeating tasks in automated fashions day after day, after day. What is the purpose of such a Life Experience?

Many unanswered questions, which means there is a truckload of shit I do not remember, and last night when I pushed myself to go on with the Series 'The Soul of Money', some things unfolded in a much less fearful way than what I felt when I listen to the first recording of the Series called 'The Infinity Secret', which I had to drag myself through, because I could not bring myself to see Humanity just as that, a bunch of rods and plaques as I fear I won't be able to put the life I am living in any context if I take on board all these information, I fear how will I relate to people, if at all, I fear I will be unable to reconcile the 'get to know a being for who he really is' with those images, of the Horror and what we ended up doing to ourselves within our separation and fear of no longer existing, and wouldn't that have been a better outcome for all ?

So the common thread uniting these three sources of information is Fear, I Fear seeing what went on from the start, fear having to let go of any shred of ideas that there was somewhere at some point in time, some benevolence within us/me, fear that I will exist forever and I won't be able to escape the Truth of Creation and fear of no longer existing as the Mind, because what worth would there be in a Mind that created such things, such lives that we then had to live out as the Manifested Consequence of our own separation from Life as Equality and Oneness.

But I managed, I pushed all those things on the side and went on in absolute suppression, suppression always did wonders for me.

SO I saw myself telling myself, that some reactions are 'normal'. But are they ?

And how can I not take self responsibility for my reactions whatever is the stirring factor, does the point that the Easter Bunny is NOT Real relevant if I react to it ? NO, because it means it is in fact Relevant TO ME, that I hold something linked to the Easter Bunny that will aways make me react, that I will try to push away, that I allow me to trigger me into doing/being/thinking and ultimately reacting again and again, until I STOP.

So, I stop believing that I am Special and that some reactions I am allowed to keep, because they are 'normal', there is nothing 'normal' in what we have become and the system we have created within and without, and that when I react I am in fact enslaved and that when I resist stopping reacting just because this is what I have done all my life and how I have come to identify myself, I remind myself, that when I react I am in fact Not real, Not Here, I am just allowing the Mind Consciousness System to run the show for me as me, while existence struggles and suffers so I can hold on to my right to feel 'normal' in the crazy evil world I want to be apart from and not a part of, instead of standing in Self Correction and Stop the Self Abuse of me as reactions and self manipulation and learn what Life without being puppettered by reactions, emotions and feelings, would be like, and start Living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to associate Blame and Responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I take responsibility for Existence as a Whole, I am to Blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being Blamed and blaming myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my fear of Self Blame and Blame that I have associated with responsibility and self Responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which words have changed their original meaning while I tried to build a complete separate vocabulary from the real meaning of words, using words to manipulate myself and others into reactions as I did with the word 'responsbility = Blame'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and want to be special and be allowed to justify some of my reactions as 'normal' telling myself anyone would have reacted TO THAT, instead of seeing that any justification I use to allow myself to live as a reactive Robot just keeps me embedded into the experience of a reactive Robot

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what applies to the group I am walking with doesn't apply to me, because I am special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish to be special and more than others instead of seeing I fear feeling that I am less than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to walk the manifested consequences of this existence of which I see no end in sight, and for believing that I won't make it because there is just too much to take on if I consider the existential aspect of existence as well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do it my way as a way to prove to myself that I'm still 'thinking for myself' instead of seeing that it was the thinking for myself, the individualized experience of life in separation that took us here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it's NOT FAIR that I have to take responsibility for ALL of Existence while the Elite drinks champagne and plays golf, instead of seeing that having a thought that I can justify as 'normal' regarding the Elite and the Unfair situation of this world just shows that I have not been willing to see Me as Existence yet, but that I am still looking for acceptable/socially recognized points of Blame outside of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick and choose among the material we are all equalizing with, because some is more interesting and some is boring according to my own judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge boring the stuff in which my responsibility as existence would be exposed and I would no longer have excuses to Blame it on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight for my own limitations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the whole existential thing is too big for me to take on and that I need to walk my individual process instead of seeing the opportunity to walk my process AND the existential process together so as to add capacity to myself through the use of self forgiveness and self corrective application and keep walking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to suppress the emotions I judge as bad because I still blame them on what is happening outside of me as bad and I fear the evil without less than the evil within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be willing to dig into points until I have NO MORE reactions at all, instead of skimming and hopping through topics that I can see still trigger reactions within me because I tell myself I have exhausted my possibilities to look into a point into which I have looked again and again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the change of me in fear that I don't know in what I will change into, instead of seeing I am re scripting myself so I will change into what I script and walk into correction and there is no mystery or something happening from the outside that will take place, but my consistent application and will to self correct and keep walking

I commit myself to stop my existence of thoughts, feelings and emotions, and to keep correcting myself through Breath, no longer suppressing just because 'this is what I am used to', because anything I was used to is of me as The Mind and I have proved to myself that I as the Mind exist in separation and self interest and self abuse, and it's time to stop and walk out of the Mind into Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Day 27 : The 'I must have done something wrong" Pattern

Yesterday I tried to pin something on one of my Pinterest Board and for the first time the log in page opened, so I tried to log in and got a message that said "Your account has been suspended, please contact support".

This was a very minor thing, yet I saw myself first moving into anxiety thinking that if it was as they said on the Support pages that my account could take a few days to restore, I would have a backlog of things I missed out on posting to catch up with, plus a pattern of thought emerged as in "I must have done something wrong".

I am very familiar with this pattern, when my mum suffered from instability often she would be angry at me for something I could not pinpoint specifically as the source of her anger and she used to tell me 'think about it', in this habit of thinking about it I became used to precede people and make assumptions about what 'did I do wrong' to cause a change in their mood or a personality switch, I started to assume that when people around me change, it's something I have done, I must have upset them, I must have done something 'wrong'. This became quite a trait in my Relationships fuck ups.

It was interesting for me yesterday to watch myself play out a list of possible 'wrong' things I may have done on Pinterest

maybe I have posted something 'objectable'

possibly, you cannot post the same Pin on 2 boards

maybe I cannot post on other's boards even when invited, because I put a post there that was already posted and I did not notice

It was a long list, as long as the list they posted on Pinterest to say what you are not authorized to do, in fact it was longer, I out thought them on a list of forbidden things to do, until I forbade myself from going on as I realized I was ranting on assumptions and since I have never been banned before (here goes another assumption, that I was in fact banned) I may just as well, wait and follow the required steps for reactivation and take it from there.

It is by now obvious to me that I lack some of Anu's traits, patience is not me yet, I see myself more as an Atlantean as make up and design, a loser that has been conned into this reality, which could be one of the reasons why I resisted listening to their story as I was sure I would end up having to face the Inconvenient Truth about who are the winners and the losers, just to find out, yet again, we are all losers in this Polarity Game of which we better get a grasp on to move into an inversion of direction, from Self Destruction into realigning ourselves to Oneness and Equality as Life, because really, is this what we call a life ? Lost in the Mind of assumptions, ideas, beliefs, memories, where is the Space to live our Lives as Life ?

Today Pinterest contacted me to let me know my account was reactivated, I was in fact never banned, it was a glitch, so I have wasted time and Breaths lost in my mind, assuming things that were not True and not even Real. 

So applying Self Forgiveness now to delete this particular Energetic Pattern

 

I  forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone's mood or behaviour changes around me 'I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that other people's moods and behaviors, thoughts and words are my responsibility and that when something goes awry with them 'I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when B. and S. asked to have a chat with me, I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mum's bad moods were my fault as it was obvious to her and just not to me 'that I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear doing something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy this blame pattern for what went on inside of me to make other's responsible for my own reactions generated by My thoughts, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when my ex husband or my partners were in a bad mood 'I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when my friends don't reply to me or contact me, I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that  when a stranger approaches me aggressively or replies to me harshly, I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the sentence 'we need to talk' with the thought 'I must have done something wrong' and with the emotion of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scare myself with the thought "I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing something wrong and diminishing myself by making a mistake or doing something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself and others one and equal through the idea of 'doing something wrong' or making a mistake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be diminished by making a mistake or by doing something 'wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace the rights and wrongs of others instead of trusting myself as Self Honesty to know what is best for All and thus Best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy this blame pattern for what went on inside of me to make other's responsible for my own reactions generated by My thoughts, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others could be responsible for me through doing 'something wrong' that upset me, instead of realizing I am the only one that can upset myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to upset myself with assumptions and ideas of what I might have done wrong in situations I know nothing about just because I play out in automatic the pattern of 'I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the thought of 'I must have done something wrong' and for using it with others as in 'you must have done something wrong to upset me/someone', spreading this dis-ease I had not taken the time to address and let go instead of inflicting it on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate wrongdoing, mistakes and guilt and for using my projected self judgement on others to manipulate them into guilt to my own selfish benefit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into and as guilt when I think "I must have done something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to me as the Mind of Self Abuse and Abuse of others instead of breathing myself back Here, One and Equal to Life and everything that exists

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the assumption of 'I must have done something wrong', I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of guilt of 'I must have done something wrong', I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the guilt arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the guilt and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in guilt as an automated response to a pattern of self Abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about wrongdoing and from judging myself and others as 'having done something wrong', through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every Living Being.