Monday, February 25, 2013

Day 274: Scare Tactics are Not Acceptable

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself as a way to make what I did Okay because 'I paid in shame'

So, having a look at this Character I can see other events in which I have done this out of fear of some outcome that I either didn't like or that I wanted to manipulate into a different outcome, let's unravel the Character History

Fear Dimension

'We wanted to talk to you' or 'I wanted to talk to you', spoken either by my mother or my grandparents, this was usually anticipating a long convoluted chat, during which I would be indoctrinated in what I was supposed to Fear, usually fears would relate to Future events, to consequences of me NOT doing what they "saw" was best for me, those words spoken in a specific 'calming' fashion would scare me shitless. 
First because since they had been 'so nice', in theory, there was no reason for me to fear what they were about to say when in fact at some level I knew I was about to sit for a Mind Control session against my will, second because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not in charge of my emotional experience and hence I had to sit and be battered by emotions and feelings as they saw fit to stir, until I would surrender in the grips of an anxiety attack.

My grandparents parading for me the worst possible future outcomes for my life and then saying 'we are saying this for your own good, trust us'
A memory of preparing to sit on the couch for 'one of our talks', fearing the talk, fearing not pleasing them because they were the strongest Money point in my family line, fearing to lose everything of my future if I didn't make myself endure 'that moment' with enough grace

Thought/Memory Dimension

The aftermath of my mother shouting and screaming coming to seek peace and harmony by saying 'please see I say this for your own good'

A memory of myself back in my room angry and anxious and my mother calmed down walking in to explain WHY she behaved that way and how she always had 'my good' at heart, I must remember this

Imagination Dimension

One day I will go away from Italy and I won't have to sit through this crap anymore.

Imagining how free I would feel away from Italy, all the things I could do without this constant brainwashing about fake morality of people who preached well and did not apply it

Imagining how soon the chat will end, skipping to the end and what I should say to pretend I was in agreement so they would leave me alone

Imagining not feeling this way anymore when I would be finally freed from the control of my family

Imagining that I would not have to worry about any of those things because my grandparents would die and I would inherit enough to live as they kept telling me -so- why are we even talking about my future.

My future is guaranteed, I have nothing to worry about

Internal conversations, backchats, voices in the head

Do I have to sit through this crap AGAIN?
What do I have to say to make you stop?
They are doing it for my own good
They know what is best for me
They don't know what is best for me

Reaction Dimensions

Feeling of Impotence - I have to sit through this
Feeling of being cheated into sitting nicely for brainwashing, Anger
Fearing the talk
Anger at myself for saying I did understand why they were doing that for 'my own good', when in fact I couldn't understand how would anyone scare people for their own good - how does that work?

Behavior Dimensions

Tightening of the chest
Stomach cramps
Ggrinding of teeth

Looking at How did I replicate this Character for myself and when and how do I activate it to manipulate others

Scaring my partners that I will leave them as a consequence of Their behavior/potential behaviour
Scaring children I was looking after to make them do what I wanted - told myself this was cool because I did not use the very scary thing some of my family used to scare me with (FOXES) , hence I was better than my family
Scaring friends by projecting for them a future they would not like so they would do what I saw was best for them now
Scaring someone I don't know by saying I will call the police as a consequence of their behavior
Writing scary letters exposing all the "nasty truth" about someone so they will come to their senses for their own good

Will follow with SF and SC application

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