This is a follow up to my yesterday's post 'The Gangster's Moll'.
I will walk the Fear, Thought, Imagination, Backchat/internal conversation/ Reactions (Emotions/Feelings)/ Physical Behaviour and Consequences of this Character I have created
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment when I was growing up and to separate myself from it within my mind
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear boys that gathered together in a pack because I had experienced that when boys were in a group, they were worse than when they were alone and you never knew what was coming
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to be less than boys as a result of a 'I show you mine if you show me yours moment' when I was laughed at and was not shown theirs and that left me feeling duped, stupid and inferior
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if anything I desired, such as physical contact with boys, should happen, they would tell and I would have to be ashamed of myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my own desires for boys and the physical contact with them due to how that contact/touch made me feel and fearing I was not allowed to feel the thrill of the touch of another because that made me "bad"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' for enjoying the touch of another in the physical and for separating myself into suppressed desires in fear of my own judgement
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the boys in a group within an underlining desire that they would gather and take me, so if they did touch me I could skip the shame as it was their responsibility and fault and I had just been overpowered to do what they 'ordered' me to do
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that boys were dangerous in a pack and for filing memories with a danger label just so I could cover up my own desires to spend time with them and exploring each other physically
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a whole imaginary world around boys being BAD and dangerous, as I projected outside of myself my own self judgements of myself as being 'bad and dangerous'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, due to the imaginary world of projections I created around boys and how they were to blame for what I experienced and the desires I suppressed to spend time with them without being scolded or called a whore, to create an experience within myself of Fearing Men, when in fact what I always feared was just myself and my own self judgements
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize comments about women and what a 'good woman is all about' which did not include mingling with men even though I enjoyed the presence of men around me, which led me to always be suspicious and on the defensive when I found myself around them, fearing my own reactions I believed I had no control over
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I wanted to be 'a good woman' whatever that meant, because I thought that good women had more value in the eyes of society than bad women, when in fact within this division and labeling there was just a game of blame and judgement going on, within which all women hid their own desires for the company of men but due to their own self judgement they refrained from doing what they really wanted and spent time pointing fingers at those who were more free and went for the experiences they wanted to live
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I didn't like men and their behaviour, simply because men were out to get what they really wanted, which was sex, which was what I also wanted but I couldn't allow myself to say so because if I did I would be a 'bad woman' and I feared I would no longer like myself then
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I kept this charade up to hide my own desires, create internal conversations to justify my view regarding the 'badness of men and their dangerous behaviour', to the point that I created fears within me regarding the men world as a result of my own dishonesty and then, as a result to the rising fears, I had to seek protection for myself against Them, and that led me to creating a Character seeking protection that developed into the full blown 'Gangster's Moll'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions of inferiority toward men as, while I was obsessed with them and their presence and I perceived myself changing around men, they seemed more relaxed as they went for what they wanted, or tried to and if they did not get it, they would leave it and go to play football, while I would be left behind within my obsessions and no one to blame them on
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in feelings of superiority as I played my Character of the woman in need of protection, as by that stage I had gotten all clues in place about how the game was played, which was to NOT give in to what I wanted and boys wanted ,which was the physical contact, but to keep them hanging, for as long as it took until the game turned into an obsession for them too, so at least while none of us had what we wanted, we both shared the shitty state of unfulfilled obsession and I was the one in charge of the game, which made me feel good about myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when around a man because I would immediately move into evaluating him as a potential sex partner, checking if it was in any way possible that with some pleats here and there, sex could happen and within this for never giving myself a chance to get to know somebody and who they were as I allowed my desires to take over while I allowed myself to go on a merry go round in my Mind instead of being here in and as breath, sharing space with another being as one
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of Men, change as I busied myself trying to embody the perfect woman they had in their mind, so I could get their attention and once I had that, move into a position of superiority by playing the game of not giving in to the desires I myself put in their mind so I could feel strong and in charge for the sake of my Ego
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of men, as a result of my thoughts and backchat, feel excited, wondering which kind of feelings I could milk out for myself that would make me feel good about myself, without regard for the other being and what it would take for them to get off the imaginary creation I set up for them to engage in their mind for my own benefit and satisfaction
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of my projected fears and desires, create a Character as the 'Gangster's Moll' in which all my dreams came together, as I would get to have the attention and recognition I craved in exchange for playing the 'Moll', the Doll, the Babe, the Baby, abdicating the responsibility of myself to another, my expression to another in exchange for a positive feedback that would make me feel valued and appreciated, instead of seeing where and how I had separated myself from Self Value and Self appreciation and correcting that point as me, so I could stand on my own two feet as a self responsible human being
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence to living these suppressed desires into a Character that was in fact allowed to have them and live them, separate myself from myself into a play, into a shadow of who I was and wanted to be but did not accept in the face of my self judgements and the fear of the judgements of others
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create for myself the consequence of needing protection as that was what I craved as a result of accepting that I was powerless in the face of my desires for men, and then blamed these desires on them until I feared them and from this fear I birthed the need for protection, which seems like a convoluted loop but as I write it it makes much sense, and for living a life in which I projected my need of protection as a consequence of my separation from myself, I forgive myself.
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself desiring to move into 'protection mode', to stop and breathe, see which desires I am not willing to take responsibility for and breathe through them until I release myself so to not walk into this Character of the 'helpless woman in need of protection'
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself blasted into the past, where the easiest thing to do would be to revert back to Characters that I created and I am familiar with, to stop and breathe, as I see realize and understand, I don't need anyone's protection, I need to stand in self honesty regarding what goes on inside of me so I can face it and own it as me and if it is not aligned with what is best for all, correct myself to bring myself back into alignment as I stand by my decision that whatever I desire, want or believe I need that is not what is best for me and best for all, must go, as I change myself to change this world to a place where my desires don't come before the needs of all and my needs don't come after the desires of none.