A Director's Journey to Life: Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody

Follow up to the Blog: The Solitude of Prime Numbers (link at the bottom of page)

When I bring this Character Here, images of my mother and myself as a Child pop up.

Fear Dimension

To be put in a boarding house

Fear of Loss

To no longer 'be liked'

To be a burden

What will I do if I can't stay here

Thought dimension:

Picture (could be a composite)

My mother screaming at me and her face going evil, her hands trembling, her eyes changed while she raised her right hand to hit me, me covering my face while she hit me where I did not protect myself with my hands and the contact of her hand with my face, the physical pain and the physical shame (don't know how to express this because I don't remember this as an emotion but as a physical being ashamed for her to hit me that way)

The Backchat dimension

Why is she saying this?

She doesn't love me

If she loved me she would....

She doesn't care about me

As soon as I can I will leave and never look back

You are Evil and Cruel

I hate you

I don't need you

I don't need anybody

I'll show you

You'll see, one day I will just leave with no notice

Imagination Dimension

Me having Money to be able to leave
Me already grown up and living alone

Emotional Reactions

Emotions of Anger/Rage

Overwhelming Sadness, Pain

Suppression of the sadness and rage so as to not give her 'the satisfaction' of having made me suffer like I perceived she wanted to

Removing myself physically from the event fearing I would not be able to suppress with 'dignity'

Physical Reactions

Stomach tightening
Chest tightening
Feeling constricted in breath
Heat in my face and ears

Consequences

Emotional build up

Toxic relationship build up that as it became heavier I no longer knew how to address

Overactive Mind activity

No trust in others as I didn't trust myself for my extensive back chat against my mother even though on the outside I 'looked normal'

Not wanting to get close to anyone for real because if my mother had a desire to hurt and harm me, what about strangers, how could I ever trust anybody for real?

Fear of relationships and commitments

Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be put in a boarding house and for fearing that I wouldn't be able to get over having to separate from my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of my relationship with my mother and for fearing 'losing my mother'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my mother would stop liking me because I could not compute getting so angry at me and the things she said that I took personally, with going back to 'business as usual afterward'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy and paste this aspect of 'letting hell lose' and then pretending that it was all 'business as usual' because I have not taught myself how to resolve and address conflicts and I feared my emotions and my internal experiences that I did not understand how to manage and release

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do to others what was done onto me, even if I know it was not done with the intention to hurt and harm but just as an outflow of emotional/energetic build up, because this is what I have done myself as and when I allowed myself to be possessed by energetic builds up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed and let go of the steering wheel of myself allowing thoughts, backchats, emotions and feelings to drive me instead of me being the self directive principle of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was a burden, because soon or later anyone gets rid of their burdens which ties in with the fear that they would get rid of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own survival because if things had turned too bad I would have had to leave and I did not know where to go and what to do because I was a kid and I had no access to money or my independence or my right to survive and I feared having my life depending on a woman that was not stable and I did not know what would do next as I had not yet worked out all the triggers, until I did and used them in spitefulness and retaliation and for this I forgive myself