I am aware that I am not living, I still perceive my life at the moment as me sitting on a vinyl record that turns, I am the stylus that reads it, but I am an old record player, when I come to the track ends, I make a little jump and start from the beginning, I am both a loop designer and a loop liver.
Not counting the irrelevant men in my Life, I had a bunch of men that I went back and forth to, one of them is dead now, cool, he got out of the loop, one disappeared as I couldn't for the life of me play the part of the woman he loved once, one is my ex husband, still in the loop, a looser loop than when I started to walk with Desteni, one is my ex of 25 years ago, separated, with whom I am friend and we will possibly spend Christmas together with the respective families, and the last one missing at the head count was my first love, of 30 years ago.
Until last night.
Last night a guy from Ireland asked my friendship, immediately my ex came to mind but his name didn't ring a bell, I friended him anyway, on his wall there were no particular reasons not to.
Then he opened a chat and asked me if I was that E. that B. knew.
A few months ago in one of my lonely sleepless nights I searched for him, I wanted to know how his life turned out, I promised myself I would not interfere in his life, I found a video of him singing a song and just left a friendly note to say that I liked his song which had a social context and told him to check out EMS.
This chat still came as a choc, funny because just yesterday I wrote about problem solving vs prevention, I kind of skimmed the point at why I became such a great problem solver, which is basically because I fucked up so many times in my life that I was forced to develop problem solving skills. I want to underline as well that this is how every great Problem Solver is born, you've got to make a lot of problems for yourself to get the experience in solving them, only to come to realize one day that you can in fact create problems so big that they rest beyond solutions, they live as consequences alone, just what we are doing in the macro in this world.
The chat took a romantic turn almost immediately, the cousin of B said he read about me in a book B. wrote, I tried to joke about it but then things became just like if we entered into a Time travel machine, I struggled to recall the memories he said he put in the book, especially the one about how happy we had been in Italy when he came to visit me, I have had this experience a few times before with my exes, where their memories did not match mine and where I filed discomfort and fighting they filed bliss and romance, so where was I at the time? Who was I?
I saw myself wanting to slip back into the character I was at 17, pity I could not recall this Character at will, too much water went under bridges, I have impersonated too many other women to keep a clear copy of That specific character and so when he said "Don't ever Change", I felt a panic shot, because I did change and this game we will play only briefly until I will stand in who I have become, which is not even clear so far but just clear enough to know I am not THAT person anymore, for sure.
And then another load of fear came up, what if he wants to surprise me, this particular fear was gutting, suddenly I wanted to be attractive again like I know I can be, instead of giving it all up within my idea of what Equality should be, let's be all ugly for Equality, because the pretty ones can un-pretty themselves and the ugly ones can't pretty themselves up and this is a whole fuck up I am just starting to write out in my MC and then desire, what if I could go back to that time, to those feelings, to those hopes of when I was 17 and I gave up everything for this man, just to run away again when he asked me to marry him.
I have lived my life running away, basically trying to run away from myself and all the mess I created wherever I went.
Six years later with money in my pocket, a good job, I went back to visit him and asked him to marry me, I jumped into the middle of a relationship of his and he asked his girlfriend of the time 2 weeks off to spend with me but at the end he said NO and I went back to Italy to embark on 4 years of debauchery until I met my husband to be. Tonight he said he should have never let me go and that I was the big love of his life. And then he said most of the songs he wrote after were about me, and there I cried.
For what it would have been, could have been, because he was a really nice supportive man, the first and the last that threw my pot away and maybe all my life I just fucked up because I made really bad relationship choices as I looked for More in every man I met, until I successfully turned them all into Less.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always move in my life without considering the consequences of my actions as I convinced myself that I could solve any problem I created, even when I proved to myself that I was able to create problems that turned into consequences alone with no solutions
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven to do something on an impulse without seeing what that action, words or thoughts would lead to and without considering others and how my movement can impact someone Else's life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say 'no' to relationship that might have supported me because I looked for More than what I limited myself to see in every man I found, believing that out there there was better and I could have done better for myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live like the styler of a record player, without being aware that I styled for myself every single loop I walked myself into, within the desire for the comfort that I find in living the past as something known, so I don't have to adventure out there into something unknown
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, in being contacted by my 'first love' desire to be someone else, desire to delete everything I lived so I could return to be the woman he has filed as 'great' in his mind and be accepted and loved again not for who I am but for who I can pretend to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally and for making up Characters and Personas to live out in the hope that I would then accept myself, without seeing and realizing that the more Characters I made up, the further the distance I took from myself and the deeper the rejection I felt of myself by myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, on hearing from B. move into my imagination about how we could make this work, without seeing and realizing that I am engaging a fantasy that has no foundation on anything real, not even on common memories as we proved while chatting for a while when I asked myself 'where was I then', 'who was I then'?
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for how my words have impacted others throughout my life and for always forgetting what I say so that when others remind me I can't take responsibility because I don't remember, like the fact that I told him to 'write our story' surely a line I borrowed from some Hollywood Black and white drama movie, and yet the lines I speak turn into the reality of someone else, and so it is that we turn this world into the Bollywood of Existence in which we shoot off lines 'for impact' and then stand wondering how some realities come about as if I/we had nothing to do with them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a 'femme fatale' which means fatal, deadly, as wherever I walked I took life out of the people around me to feed myself and my ego, looking for subjects and never establishing relationships of equality but cancers that grew even after I walked away, without being aware that my movements in a world where I am One and Equal to everything I have created, aware or not, turned me into the same cancers I have spread around carelessly onto others
I forgive myself that I accepted and allow myself to feel moved at the idea that B. wrote most of his songs about me as that is the consequence of my desire to be "unforgettable" that drove me to mold and turn myself into the perfect woman for every man so that I could leave my sign, a scar of some sort to show my indelible passing
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to write to him implying that if we didn't have a relationship it was 'his fault' because he rejected when I went back for him 6 years after, wrecking his life just to find my space in it, hoping he would save me from my own life and give me the respect I could not give to myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not respect myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the loss of something that never was as important as I liked to play it in my mind to justify why I went back 6 years later to wreck his life, to spread some more 'fatal poison' to make sure he would forever be mine and nobody's else, because I lived to own everything, including people
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about the fact that I must make myself attractive again, thinking that I am out of this deadly pact of ugliness for Equality which I identify with bold heads in women and that I matched in fat, so I could keep my hair, and now I want my seduction tools back because I might need them and I don't want to be at a disadvantage for when the time comes
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Equality means to sacrifice everything that I valued before not by removing the value, but removing the cause, because I don't trust myself that if I have the tools I won't put value on them again and just use them at my leisure for my self interest and not for what is best for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as my physical body, to fear the fact that if I take care of my body it may go back to being attractive again and then I will have to face the whole seduction game again, and men chatting me up and I don't trust myself and how I will behave yet
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up an idea that Equality is about all of us going down to the worse we can be, because there is a lot of 'worse' in this world by design and how can I be Equal if i look 'better' or have more than others, instead of seeing and realizing I am applying the Communist view of Equality in which instead of all becoming more and expanding to the maximum of our ability, we all become less, so we can make the scarcity of this world into a shared scarcity and be equal in lack, instead f seeing and realizing my ideas about Equality come from an idea of atonement, that I have to atone for what I have done/not done so far, which is like the denying of self forgiveness and that I can in fact forgive myself and how I have lived without any consideration for others as I realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All
I commit myself to, prior to moving on 'impulse' which is nothing but a Preprogrammed design, to stop and breathe, assess the consequences of what I want to do, see how my movements may impact others and their lives and when I have aligned all point to What is Best for all and only then, make a move
I commit myself to not nurture this relationship for the sake of my Ego and to be self honest about what is possible and what is not considering equally myself and others in the equation, as what is best for all must be what is best for me too
I commit myself to stop creating loops for myself for the sake of comfort, because I fear the unknown and what I may discover out there that I am not familiar with or that I fear I don't have a Character that can step in to relieve me from the anxiety of the new, instead I breathe myself back Here as I see realize and understand I no longer want to play Characters but come to know myself, my fears and what are the limitations I have designed for myself so I can overcome them once and for all
I commit myself to stop making up ridiculous ideas about Equality based on knowledge and information that I adapt to a concept I have not yet lived out and explored in all its aspects and instead move myself to live Equality and Oneness first with myself as my Mind and then extend who I become as Equality and Oneness of my Mind and the Physical to what surrounds me as me