Day 421: Virtual Relationships

I have just finished watching the movie 'HER', which I highly recommend.

I found it both sad and enlightening about how I have lived my own relationships and still tend to do - in my head and not applied in the physical world.

What's worse is that I did not improve with time, yet, I got worse, more distracted, more withdrawn, always resenting having to give up my 'me' time to put it into creating something real.

So sad memories about my marriage and my last relationship popped up and I am now writing to release them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to sad memories of my marriage as a way to punish myself and within this for making my memories instrumental to support specific emotions of sadness I want to feel entitled to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel unbalanced by the potential 'return' of A. because I believe I cannot contextualize this specific relationship in this moment in my life and within this for feeling already burdened, weighed down, heavy at the idea of having to walk a real relationship in the physical world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush my emotions under the carpet and not look at them because they seem to have roots everywhere in my life and within this for feeling overwhelmed by the task of having to address the point of relationships to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing better than suppression because I still hold on to the memory of the alternative I witnessed while growing up, which was to go crazy and be all over the place like my mother did, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am already unstable and all over the place and that my suppression leads to the exact behavior I did not want to repeat which is to blow up when I can't contain it all anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time thinking about what will I say to A. if he calls, what will I reply, what will I do, instead of stopping, breathing and go on with my life trusting that I can address anything in self honesty in the moment when a point comes up and I need to direct it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry at the idea that I might cave in to have a relationship or deny myself a relationship in fear and within this for seeking good reason as in faulty points in another as a deterrent to not do that instead of assessing the situation when the time will come and direct it to a solution that is best for all - which I don't yet know what it will be and if it will be and so it is useless spending my time this way instead of keep on walking my life and my process

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not prepare all my speeches, all my possible replies to every possible input I may be taken by surprise and end up acting out automatically one of my relationship's pattern and within this for believing that I am unable to change and overcome my weaknesses and limitation even though I proved to myself that I was able to do that in other aspects of my life and relationships are nothing different, just another point of patterning that I can release and rewrite to a solution that works for all, even if it may require a longer, more specific application

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety and to store anxiety in my solar plexus regarding my process and its incompatibility with relationships and within this for fearing that I may call him just because I want some company creating further unnecessary confusion for both

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to live out virtual relationships vs real ones because I don't want to be bothered by having to face all the triggers/reactions/annoyances that I perceive exist within a real relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that if I stick to my commitment to be a self responsible human being I can take responsibility for everything that happens inside of myself and not project it outside on another or onto something like a relationship and I can instead seize the opportunity to correct myself to create myself as a being that can live anywhere with anyone within the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I would rather have virtual relationships than real ones is because I do not like what I see of myself when I am in a relationship and within this for fearing to face myself in the mirror of a real relationship instead of stopping all self judgement which is the cause of the fear I have to face myself and the self judgement that will follow and just work to change what I can't live with into what I can live with and be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I make a change within a relationship immediately doubt myself, immediately tell myself 'you are fake, you are faking' so that I make sure I never develop self trust and trust myself that my change may feel awkward because it's just a new behavior and I do not yet stand as it completely and within this for accepting and allowing myself as the mind to tell me I am fake and I cannot be trusted as a way to create further friction within myself that leads to my desire to give it all up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that 'giving up, is just another design, it's a fail safe system to make sure I do not stray from my preprogrammed reality and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that I could instead use the rising desire to give up as a flag for a point of transcendence that I can walk through by applying myself in writing and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop entertaining relationships in my mind, to instead breathe, walk, live and when a relationship of any kind presents itself in my physical reality to be fully present in the moment to honor, respect and consider another as would like to be considered myself.

Related articles

• Day 419: Relationships - Bread and Butter of My Existence
• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 137: Trusting Myself To Deal With It
• day 507: self-judgement
• Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character
• Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

Day 419: Relationships - Bread and Butter of My Existence

I am still looking at the point of relationships, what they meant in my life and how I ended up building up very (ineffective) protection walls and pre-eventive resentment towards men who enter my life.

When I looked at this point in my life, my grandfather popped up, how his focus for me was on 'getting a good man' and most advises of him revolved around this point, yes studying was important, the job was important but the real juicy part of my life would be 'a man', so on one side I had grandfather who was all 'go for it' and my grandmother who was all 'check what you can get out of it' which could sum up my stance with men in a quite schizophrenic one, the wanting and then the resentment because it seems there is never 'enough for me' in a relationship.

In time of course as these 2 urges added up what was left of my relationship with men was a desire to dominate to make sure I don't get sucked into the first part of the equation making them all important and then the desire to get rid of them when the first part failed and I blame them for 'having tampered with my life AGAIN with little or nothing in return'.

My ex boyfriend came around a couple of nights ago and as he talked, calmly, centered about relationships in general I realized that I lived all my relationships as doomed from the start and in the process worked hard to accelerate the ending so I can get over the pull and push I feel within myself and return to 'my life'.

The point of living for 'the ending' is very strong within myself and manifests in different ways, even living is something I do for the ending, I yearned for the ending as a teenager, married my mind into beliefs that 'you pay death with life' and made anything that doesn't end properly a problem, even movies, nothing could be more disappointing that a movie that ends with 'we'll deal with it tomorrow', because that's not an ending, that's an half ass ending.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry within me my grandfather and grandmother as a model of living because I associated their being 'succesful' with money and having a nice house and comfortable living as knowledge about 'how to live' and imprinted myself with all sorts of beliefs that revolved around relationships and how to have a successful one, up-holding teachings coming from people who didn't have a successful relationship themselves but one made of make beliefs, lies and suppression

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that for a relationship to work which I measure in 'time' units I have to work on make beliefs, lies and suppression and within this process for going the opposite way, bringing out in the open what was going on in my mind without first taking responsibility for it and not working to blame another for how 'I felt' or how 'I perceived myself' and within this for blaming another for how I experienced myself instead of stopping, breathing, taking time to assess what was happening within me and commit to not speak until I was clear of any reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a relationship is not  'the cherry on a cake' but the cake itself, accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing else of value in life but a good relationship and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that, if there is nothing else of value, that includes me and it is not possible to have a good relationship unless the two parties value themselves and the relationship equally and not one or the other more

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a man comes into my life, resent him already at the thought of how this will screw with my life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was never a man screwing with my life but myself by going into my mind in all sorts of memories, projections, emotions and feelings until I felt overwhelmed and made the man the cause and object of my frustration because 'I did not feel that way' or 'was not that way' before he came around so it must be his fault

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I connected men and problems in my life was not because they brought the problems in my life but because when a man came around I activated everything that already existed in me in relationship to men which is distrust, a sense of oppression and a desire to move swiftly to the end so we can spare each other some of the most unpleasant passages to get there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value 'the ending' more than the journey, making my life unnecessarily hard by devaluing walking through it, the process of building myself and within this for believing that Life is hard and unfulfilling which is why we have to pay death with Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe Death/The ending of something must be payed for with some token like struggle, identifying in death, the end of something a moment of relief instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my perception that endings were bringing 'relief' to myself as my mind because I removed myself from the active triggering of things that were existent within me and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the problem and the solution to my instability and perceived struggles

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the sense of oppression I felt every time a man was around was determined by how my mind would become activated with personalities, past experiences and memories that I then projected on the man at hand to make him the cause and within this for making myself unable to see that a man would come and bring an opportunity for self awareness to me about what I need to correct, let go and rewrite about myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex boyfriend came around and he gave such a great -full of common sense speech to immediately feel a sense of loss and think 'I cannot reverse this, I have already told my mum it's over' which then skyrocketed inside of me in a sense of wanting to blame my mother for how much I still care about what she thinks and if she approves about my life or not and within this for feeling appalled at myself that I would even have such a thought at my age

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking my mother as the point of blame for me wanting her approval is the same as taking the men in my life and wanting to blame them for how I feel about myself when I am in a relationship and within this for wanting to resist my own responsibility to myself about my choices, words, thoughts, feelings and emotions because it just seems too much to deal with and within this for giving up my power to change and release myself from my past once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have used my mother and the men in my life to project on them the cause of my internal experiences instead of seeing where I was with clarity and make the necessary corrections as I go 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest with myself about my relationships and for having put myself through the 'I don't care, I didn't care' frame of mind to show myself that I didn't lose anything of importance, that there was no damage done for real because I didn't care in the first place, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do care, I did care and that I have done damage with my words, thoughts and deeds and within this I forgive myself for acting in an inconsiderate way toward another in a relationship, be it intimate or otherwise

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a man comes along in my life, to allow myself to be fully absorbed by thoughts, ideas and plans of what we could do together, how much fun we could have and within this for accepting and allowing myself to push myself off my point of balance, my hard worked for stability just to follow a dream, an idea, my imagination, until I lose myself into the 'what it could be' vs working for what it can be as am consistent application of myself in the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the underlying resentment I feel for men that I would potentially enjoy spending time with is the hidden blame of what I am preparing to blame them (and then resent them for 'putting me in the situation of having to blame them'!) for in the future while I think, speak and act irresponsibly following ideas, memories and past programming about relationships with men and their outcome and within this for blaming others in advance for what I will think, say and do in relationship to them as time goes by instead of stopping supporting myself with breathing and correcting myself as things come up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only two ways to have a relationship, either full on or full off and for not seeing realizing and understanding that the only reason why I have never considered what is best for all is because this point is not present in my programming and I will have to create it as myself using the tools of self forgiveness to let the past go and self corrective application to rewrite who I want to be in a relationship/agreement next time around

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when one of my buddies said 'You must dominate the relationship not let the man do that' to have a reaction and think 'I have always done that' without seeing, realizing and understanding that this was not what that sentence implied nor what I have done so far as so far I have tried to dominate men for my self interest and not to dominate as in its original meaning 'to master' the relationship for myself and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the point of relationships is one of my transcendence point and one that I have used as the mind to keep throwing myself off balance and that investing time in building myself up into the strong independent woman I can be is not required only if I have a relationship but on the contrary it is required because relationships have showed me that I can be thrown off by a man or a relationship easily, an indicator that my stance is not yet absolute and this is where I need to work on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I committed to stand in process with one back door - relationships and that I have been using others as relationships to sway and prove to myself that I can go back to old patterns in one moment instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can delete this back door inside me, not to not allow myself to live a relationship/agreement but to not allow myself to be changed/defined by a man/relationship/agreement because I have worked diligently to define myself first and to walk the definitions of myself for myself and all of existence, equal and one

I commit myself to keep investigating this point within the realization that 'relationships with men' is one of my weaknesses I have not yet fully addressed

I commit myself to walking this process and keep recommitting myself no matter how hard I believe I have fallen out of it or what my mind tells me when I fall, about how much easier it would be to not stand up anymore

I commit myself to realize that this process is the most important thing I have ever done and I am doing for myself and all of existence Equal and One and to not let anything interfere with what I know I have to do to change myself -and the world as my reflection with me

• Desteni
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• Destonians
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• Desteni I Process
• Agreement/Redefining Relationship Course
• Desteni Forum
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• Creation’s Journey to Life
• Heaven’s Journey To Life
• 7 Year Journey To Life Process

Related articles

• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character
• Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

I want to share my experience with my latest relationship break up.

There shouldn't be much to report because I am quite seasoned at relationship break ups, I had more of those than your average woman for sure but this is my first relationship break up within process and now I have tools to investigate myself and to stand up to my mind.

It did not seem so for a few weeks, I was aware that I felt relief when he left, I was aware that I never saw us grow old together no matter how hard I tried, I was aware that I had indulged in thoughts that I had not released and that were memory based on my previous experiences and not a good foundation for a sound relationship/agreement.

So as far as a few things I did not have to look too deep, the abnormal thing was why then I was sulking, oh yes, I found two points to beat myself on the head with about what 'he did' but even that should not have been enough for that 'feeling of lack of sense' like he went and took all the sense of my life with him.

My buddy tried everything to get me to stand up but I found many excuses about why I was not required to, I had the excuse of 'mourning' in my mind, a hard to believe one because how can one mourn a man that she felt relief watching leaving? Odd.

I allowed myself to go to the bottom of this, not as in 'investigating it to the core' no, to the bottom, sinking down and down into a black hole that I compounded with the mess outside, looking for more mess, more cruelty, more absurdity out there so I could justify why I didn't have the time to look inside, bigger things than me required my undivided attention, I even considered giving up process - 'what the fuck am I doing?' was a double edged sentence, it applied both to process and to leaving it for good,

My buddy said -push, look, write - but it seemed I did not know where to start.

I started from a dream, in which half of my face was battered black and blue, my right side, I saw it in a mirror while my best friend was there with me - my long lost best friend, someone I have allowed myself to believe that if she were in my life everything would be different - and that is true, I would have her unconditional support to not change, to remain the way I am and allow her to remain the way she is, this is how we bless each other in our 'systemic relationships' as we grant one another the right to fuck up our lives with each other's, unconditional, approval.

Anyway as I started to write again from that dream, at first my writing was convoluted, of course, words were coming out in compounded flows as I worked to free myself, strings that made not as much sense as they seemed to make in my mind took life on paper and then one writing led to another.

The point that came up for me was the point of self hatred, my relationship was the lid I had put on it, I wrote two long blogs about it and kept them between myself and my buddy, again it was sad for me to see how much of myself is still projected outside, to another, to the world systems, to the pedophiles, the elite, those bastards that hold creation in their hand and won't let it go - just like me.

So today I will write out the tail, what is left of this work that I have done to release myself and my ex partner from any blame so that I can stop feeling weird when he comes around and stop justifying why I have a right to feel weird because of what I perceived he did instead of realizing I feel weird about who I am, who I believe he thinks I am and about believing that he left as a way to reject me and say I am no good, when in fact it has been me rejecting myself and wanting to give up on myself,

The white rabbit of the Matrix is the delusion that down the road there is something better, that we can get out of this matrix through someone else leading us out when the truth of the Matter is, The Only Way Out - Is Within.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project on my ex partner blame for my experience of myself and for making him responsible for how I felt used and abused instead of seeing and realizing that I have used and abused this relationship as a lid to put on a pot of boiling self hatred hoping to get a ride on his 'love' out of the self hatred I felt for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when my ex partner comes around because I fear that his presence will trigger the point of self hatred inside of me that I have compounded with thoughts like 'see, he left me, he didn't want to be with me, he used me and abused me' thoughts that I now forgive and let go instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have just used him to access this little treasure of negative energy I held on to within myself and that he is in no way responsible for how I experience myself nor he ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize and understand that it's hard to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself no matter what she projects outside and that it was a good decision he made to leave even though he could not put into words why he wanted to remove himself from this situation because he saw himself as part of the problem, as part of my self hatred which was always and only my creation that he had nothing to do with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when he left he gave me a point of support by stating that he would not accept to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself and that I can be grateful that he allowed me the space and time to go to the bottom of this point and release myself from it without using him as an excuse to why I had a right to keep hating myself no matter what

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear what he may have thought about me, wondering if he could see all that self hatred, assuming he may have been disgusted with me, not seeing realizing and understanding those were outside projections of what was going on inside of me and of what I thought about me and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as self judgement in disgust for myself and what I accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think 'what's the sense in all of this?' about process because I wanted a way out and not have to look at those feelings and the experience of myself as self hatred because it did not seem there was 'a good reason' to hate myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these were old patterns that I have always suppressed throughout my relationships and they just surfaced now again because nothing we participate with ever goes away and I now have the tools to deal with my mind and my suppression one experience of myself at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in denial of the fact that I held feelings of self hatred within and as me because it seemed logical that I would have worked on these feelings at the very beginning of my process since one would want to give up feelings such as 'self hatred' as fast as possible due to their 'negative' charge, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that every source of energy within oneself that has been charged and fed over time will be harder to release because it's the switching off of a potential power plant one realizes will never have the chance to tap into again and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my self hatred justifying it with thinking that 'at least I hate myself' for this creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world is not created through our intention, or prayers or commitments if these do  not become 'who I am' because the world is created by the 1+1 of all the Who I ams of this world and that unless I let go of my self hatred I am contributing to the hatred of this world that gives birth to violence, wars, rape and murder in the futile attempt to resolve outside the self hatred we feel inside

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously justify my 'self hatred' as righteous, as good as I embodied Christ on the cross and the suffering of humankind by hating myself which is no solution to solve the hatred of this world and which is not a way to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that some of my self destructive behaviors were nothing else but self hatred becoming physical and within this I commit myself to stop myself  from existing in and as self hatred for myself and all of existence equal and one

When and as I see myself about to entertain a thought that may trigger feelings of self hatred later down the line, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have walked my self forgiveness and I will no longer accept and allow myself to embody hatred as me

When and as I see myself bringing up past times in which I hated myself, I stop, breathe, see if there are points I have not released myself from and if there are, flag them and get to them in writing as soon as I can to let them go for good

When and as I see myself attempting to, moving to or about to try and use this relationship with this good man to hate myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that he gave me all the support I required by walking away and give myself the same support by walking away from the desire to engage this construct ever again

I commit myself to no longer live self hatred one and equal with me, for myself and all of existence equal and one

• Desteni
• Desteni Articles
• Destonians
• Desteni Lite Process
• Desteni I Process
• Agreement/Redefining Relationship Course
• Desteni Forum
• Desteni Wiki
• Desteni Español
• Creation’s Journey to Life
• Heaven’s Journey To Life
• 7 Year Journey To Life Process

Related articles

• Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character
• Day 134: Gender Hatred - Self Forgiveness
• 403. How to Stop Living in Defense Mode
• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Daring to Stand Alone. DAY 292
• 2012 Self Forgiveness: How-To, Why, What, Where, When?
• Day 417 Keeping myself stable and self-directive in the storm of anger

Day 398: Relationship Paranoia - Ending the Spite

Continuing to dissect the Spiteful Character following my previous posts on the topic

The Normalization of Spite and Malice

Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning - links at the bottom

For what concerns how I lived Spite within my intimate relationship I can see that it started with the education I received from my grandmother on the topic of 'Men' and specifically about how, since men are dumb and basically dick-driven, women should always have the upper hand either through manipulation or spite.

Spite was the 'when all else failed' tool that women should apply to basically manoeuvre men back to their place, which was next to them in a sort of submissive fear driven way.

Of course such education came with the specific points a woman should exert her spite through, such as jealousy, I definitely see jealousy was the number 1 tool my grandmother and her generation of apparently submissive women would use to square the books, it is quite sad to see how we developed beliefs about each others, gender wise and relationship in general and easy to see why and how for many years in my life I never felt honest within a relationship and ended up blaming that perceived dishonesty on my partners and then how I would feel entitled to spite them to prove they were in fact the dishonest ones from the start.

Of course we can call all of the above a form of paranoia, it all starts with recurring thoughts about something I blame on another for which I seek a sort of revenge or pay back so I can apparently 'stop feeling the way I feel or stop experiencing myself in a specific way' for which -apparently- another is responsible - hence how the delusion of 'getting even' is just in fact very odd, it never worked and never will, those layers infact just keep accumulating in other imaginary credits for which the paranoia and then blame and then spite build up, some silly games we have been playing out there, time to stop.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question my grandmother teachings about life, men and relationship because they came from someone who would start the indoctrination session with the sentence 'you Know that I love you so much' and within this for failing to see that this is the passcode parents and relatives use to inhibit our firewalls and offload their crappy beliefs in a safe, unchecked and unprotected environment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the words 'I love you so much' to a way to enter the mind of another in a devious way where I could then try and have them believe that what I was about to say or do made sense because 'I loved them so much'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word 'love' as a pass into someone's mind where my real motives and drives would possibly go unnoticed, without seeing realizing and understanding that I was in the process of manipulating them for my own benefit and my own desired outcomes

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I did not get what I wanted, that I never asked for but tried to have through manipulation, to move into spite to get even at another for not delivering to me what I had originally set out to achieve without asking as to not create an open 'credit' if the other would concede to me what I really wanted and had asked for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my ex husband because he could see through all my mind games but instead of approaching me with the pass code 'you know I love you so much' to set my mind at ease, he would spell it out clearly to me that he was seeing what I was up to and then once I felt caught I would deny and move into the spiteful character to prove that I was not at all plotting and planning behind his back and that was why I was now entitled to my little payback having been off-ended unjustly

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of seeking solutions for my behavior, create stories and excuses about the other being wrong in the first place which would justify why I had a right to my spiteful stance and within this I forgive myself for not liking myself and separating myself into internal wars and conflicts about my behaviour that I wished to deny instead of taking responsibility for it and changing myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my behavior because I could not find effective tools to change without seeing realizing and understanding that I had missed out on the point that we play out the faulty character-istics we take on from our family and environment without questioning their validity and for not seeing realizing and understanding that we are copycatting each other in endless cycles of abusive behaviors because we have not found ways to correct ourselves yet

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a spiteful comment or moment comes up in my mind within my current relationship, to brush it off and tell myself I have changed because I don't act on it, mostly, anymore, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the popping up of those spiteful moments underlines that I have lived spite as who I am and I have to take back those moments and correct them to sort out the origin point of spite so that I can stand one and equal inside and out and no longer participate in spite as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use spiteful words and stances in my intimate relationships with the aim of diminishing another in my mind to prove that I was right from the get go and I had nothing to do with the devious behavior that some of them might suggest I was busy with and for using spite as the ultimate proof that I was in fact innocent -or I would not become spiteful as a consequence of what someone falsely said to me about me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify spite as 'so they would know what they put me through' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that no one has ever put me through anything because no one can make me feel or think something without my active participation or acceptance and allowance and that the lame excuse of having others 'feel what I felt' was never valid nor real but just an excuse to move into spite and feel righteous about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents and relatives when they were spiteful to me and their excuse of why they were being spiteful as in a lesson they were trying to teach me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no way anyone can learn anything through spite and that the 'teaching a lesson' is just another name for spite once it's charged with a spiteful stance and hence spite was always a tool that we have used to abuse ourselves and others no matter what label to justify it we placed on it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that through spite I have diminished myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my substance in spite as an attempt to not take responsibility for what was going on within me for which nobody was ever responsible but myself and for which I alone held the keys to change once I could take responsibility for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use jealousy to spite a man within a relationship, trying to make them feel jealous because my grandmother had said that if a man really loves you he will become jealous instead of seeing realizing and understanding that women in my society used jealousy to spite their men having understood that jealousy is a mind construct they could play to make another fearful and unsafe and within this for having desired to make a man fearful and unbalanced in spite of the fact that,once a man was fearful and unbalanced I would no longer see him as a man and would desire to trash him for good for his apparent weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by playing the spiteful character within my intimate relationships I have always and only spited myself and that if I want all abuse to end in this world, the point of spite and self spite must be corrected within me for good until I can stand stable and see clearly that I no longer participate in spite, no matter how small or big my spiteful stance might seem or how I try to downplay it by comparison to what I have been as in the full blown spiteful character

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spite within my personal relationship, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am about to walk a construct of the mind unless I stop and make another choice and so I breathe, keep myself stable until the enticing moment of spite wears out without my participation in anyway shape or form

When and as I see myself that I have already walked into the construct because some spiteful comment or stance is coming up within me that I see I desire to brush off, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that the mind is like an auction house putting an item up for me to buy it and participate in an energy construct that will turn me into a reactive being vs a self directed being and that I can say NO, breathe myself back to stability and will myself to choose to not participate

When and as I see myself I have fallen into the spiteful character because I had my guard down or because I feel entitled to that one tiny moment of secret spite, I stop, breathe, remind myself how I have walked in writing why I no longer want to participate and stick to my decision by forgiving myself immediately and correcting myself to not participate

When and as I see myself wanting to play the jealousy card because 'it's fun' apparently, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am just attempting to label spite with another name, remind myself that whatever the label I am attempting to move into a spiteful stance and will myself not to by directing myself to breathe instead until I can stand stable and see the desire to make someone jealous fade as I do not allow myself to participate within it

I commit myself to stop being spiteful in my personal relationships

I commit myself to investigate when and why I am triggered into a moment of desire to be spiteful to see what I need to correct for which I am still blaming another

I commit myself to not repeat the patterns of behavior of those that came before me and created this world that I see needs to change and for which I want to stand as one piece that changes back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

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Related articles

• Day 394: The Normalization of Spite and Malice
• Day 396: Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning
• Day 387: Relationships Paranoia - Criticism - How to Handle It
• Spite Is Good. Spite Works
• Day 520: Why Are we Here on Earth? - Role of Death - Part 7
• 8 houses that spite built
• Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia

Day 357: I am not 'The Fonz'

When I was a kid there was a show on TV called 'Happy Days'.

I liked The Fonz, he was the cool guy of the group and while I liked everything about the most famous show ever to introduce both 'The American Way of Life' and 'The American Dream', I liked him best because everyone was impressed by him and everyone feared him.

It is amazing to look back at the models that shaped who we have become as we have picked and mixed people's characteristics to come up with personalities decent enough to walk on the stage of this world without feeling lessened by our own presence and how much Hollywood worked hard to churn out more and more characters that we could copycat, finding our own 'originality' by piecing together the things that stood out as 'valuable' -to create value for ourselves, never realizing how unoriginal in fact we have all become nor that the people we worshiped where characters too, that outside of the screen they had troubled lives more often than not, lives of which we knew nothing nor cared to know about because we were always and only looking for 'accessories' to add to our 'projected images' so that we may be more than others as we accepted that life is nothing but a competition for survival.

One of the most famous of Fonz quirks was his inability to say 'I'm sorry', understandably so, he was the coolest guy who was always right and when not he could make others so afraid they would be the ones conceding to him that they were wrong infact.

So I associated the word cool with 'never say sorry' and this is one point that came up the other day when I did something I could have avoided, someone around me reacted and said what I said was hurtful and made him feel exposed as if there was no safety in our relationship and then because I couldn't in the moment say I was sorry I went on to list what He had done wrong which was more serious, had more weight, was more reproachable than my joke, all the while entertaining the nagging feeling that I could have just said 'I'm sorry' and stop myself from participating in needless retaliation seeking to be right at all costs when I was not at all.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that saying 'I'm sorry' within intimate relationships is Not Cool and for defining coolness within the behavior of 'never say I am sorry'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cool because being cool meant an extra buffer between me and the rest of the world which I believed I needed for extra safety instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was just afraid of others because I feared myself and what was going on in my mind about others and I assumed they may have the same stuff going on about me in their mind -and that was frightening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking the words 'I am sorry' within an intimate relationship, to perceive a loss of power, a diminishment in the admission that I was wrong and had made a mistake instead of seeing and realizing that by my saying 'I am sorry' I was in fact correcting the mistake I had realized I made and not in any way diminishing or belittling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'I am sorry' within my intimate relationships in case the other was keeping a black book about me, as I did about them, where they noted all my mistakes so they could call me out any time like my mother did and like I did to others as I copied the pattern of behavior that my mother showed me within a 'close relationship'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in case they would be held against me for the natural duration of my life because I never seemed to do good enough to delete my mistakes from the black book my mother held against me and for believing that it was appropriate and convenient to hold a black book of others' mistakes so I could use them to put them back in their place whenever I saw fit or whenever I felt myself threatened into having to admit I had made a mistake myself but theirs was graver, more serious, they were in fact wrong-er than I ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have to participate in this score keeping about others and our own mistakes, never letting go and within this supporting the construct of the unforgiving nature of this world because what is acceptable for me, what I allow in the small manifests in the big and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that there is no value in score keeping regarding miss-takes of myself or others but only in the practical application of my correction as I show myself that I am taking response-ability for my words, thoughts and deeds all the way into self correction and as I keep walking my self corrections I accumulate the self trust about my ability to change, my ability to not repeat what has not worked in the past for myself and others equally and within this self trust I can trust others, I can give others the benefit of the doubt so that they too may walk their self correction instead of being held down by my ledger of wrong doings that defines them and me equally as unforgiving and unforgiven

When and as I see myself feeling resistance when I see that I should apologize for something I said or did, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen clearly this point as a desire for value above another and that I no longer want to support my mind's desire to be more than another through my unforgiveness and that I want a forgiving world for myself and others so that we may realign to Life, let go of all our past mistakes and move together to find solutions that work for all

When and as I see myself desiring to take out my little black book where I mark other people's mistakes, I stop, breathe, tell myself that those little black books are the holes that we dig for ourselves individually and collectively and I no longer wish to be part of this system of blackmail of each other through our past mistakes, instead I breathe to let go and make sure I don't file anything about myself or another for later use

When and as I see myself fearing to lose value within a moment in which I can clearly see I should apologize, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no value in being right and making someone else wrong, that this values are only values of me as The Mind ans as such not valuable at all, instead I move for the value of supporting another as myself, as Life, within a movement of forgiveness of myself to end the desire of wanting to be right making someone else wrong as I see realize and understand that a forgiving world requires my forgiveness, the absolute forgiveness of myself first so I can extend it to others one and equal

I commit myself to, whenever I see myself being wrong, before I move into the Mind to look for excuses and justifications about why I am entitled to do so, be so, act so, to stop, breathe and ask another the forgiveness that I grant myself in the breathe I take, before I speak to take my responsibility for an interaction that did not work out to what is best for all.

Related articles

• Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia
• Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

Day 329: Just-ified DisAgreements as Cover Ups for Pettiness and Spitefulness

Yesterday I saw myself do something nasty.

The point developed this way:

I had a conversation that I had anticipated with someone which did not turn out the way I hoped/expected where I would be the centre of his attention and concern, hence I perceived a diminishment of myself for which I did not want to take responsibility, then I used this point of diminishment to try and diminish him on something he believes in, justifying the point by insisting with myself that he is wrong to believe that particular thing and so I am on a good mission to help wake him up, when in fact I was just passing on the negativity I experienced to another instead of dealing with it ans sorting it out.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when I am not the centre of attention, the top priority, the most important thing in a relationship because I convinced myself that this is what relationships are about after accepting and allowing myself to imprint within me the relationship of my grandparents where they both pretended to be each others' top priority, just to keep up their own idea of what a great relationship should be about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as spite to an extent that I have created ways to justify why my spite is in fact good meaning no matter how clearly I see the point that is unfolding within me instead of addressing the point of spitefulness and stopping the pattern once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and judge myself when I accepted that I had to look at why I behaved in such a way instead of seeing and realizing that both guilt and judging myself are my way of feeling better about myself because at least - I am feeling guilty and judging myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the point even when I saw what originated my crusade against another because I did not want to admit that I was petty and spiteful and that I had allowed myself to be swept off by emotions and feelings as a consequence of having invested energy in anticipation, projections and expectation of an outcome that did not manifest as I wanted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a cover up for my pettiness in which I can justify why I am upsetting another based on what I now know to be The Truth, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am dealing with someone whose religious brainwashing has priority over his common sense and for not seeing realizing and understanding that such religious brainwashing is cult-ural and very hard to break through and that if I did not want to soon or later have to face this point, I should not have accepted and allowed myself to engage in a relationship based on hopes and expectations that I would be able to make it work - because I am working on myself - which is just another expectation, projection and hope that I have not substantiated yet enough to be able to support another as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin a relationship without considering all points and if I was able to stand stable and to support another as myself in breaking through the Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have more right than another to take an axe to a whole personality construct just because 'I don't like it and it doesn't make me feel comfortable' without seeing realizing and understanding that as I exist at the moment only as a complex ensamble of characters and personalities, so do others and that I need to consider my words when I have an exchange with another, because words are real and the consequences of my words I am not yet able to assess on a timeline in real physical time in all their dimensions and as such I should refrain from speaking or writing when it is clear that I do not have a starting point of wanting what is best for all but just what is best for me as an energetic outcome

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compete with someone else's God for attention, just because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in my relationships I must be the centre of my partner's life and that not even his God can come before me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have no good reasons for what I did such as 'open his eyes' or 'make him aware' and that those were just cover ups so I could vent my frustration for having had second place, third in fact because he had to go and do something with his brother before chatting with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that if I am competing for attention with something I believe it's not real, such as God, I must not be Real either or I must hold believes as delirious as those of the other person that I have not yet uncovered which is another point that I should have realized when I accepted and allowed myself to become uppity and righteous about my indisputable position as the bringer of truth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that there is nothing benevolent in taking an axe to other people's belief systems within an energetic starting point, because they are systems and in fact systems that allow them to exist without which they would crumble and break and that it takes patience and an awareness I do not yet have -if not in my mind delusions- before being able to support another as myself and I am not there yet

When and as I see myself starting to accumulate energy as frustration for not having my way, the first place, being first, being on top of the list of priorities of another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am engaging a system and do not allow myself to step into it because I know where this system goes and the consequences I will have to face if I do engage it

When and as I see myself building up expectations and hopes on the outcome of a meeting, a phone call, a chat with whoever, I stop, breathe, remind myself that reality is not comparable to fantasy and that building up any expectation, hope or projected outcome leads to a disappointment that I am likely to blame another for, instead  do not allow myself to participate in imagination with relation to a future outcome and breathe myself back here until the desire to do so is overcome

When and as I see myself desiring to teach a lesson to another about their belief systems, I stop breathe, see realize and understand that I am just being spiteful no matter what cover up I attempt to choose to pretend I am in fact offering support, instead I see through it and do not allow myself to speak or write until I am sure that I am not reactive in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself beating up on myself for what I realize I have done, which I saw unfolding but did not take the time to stop and investigate because I had a cover up 'ready to go' to use as my excuse about why I was justified to act in such a way, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to participate in guilt or shame as I see realize and understand that guilt and shame feed the mind, instead I breathe myself back here and write myself out to make sure I do not engage the same dynamics should the point arise again

When and as I see myself desire to procrastinate writing myself out because I believe I have it all sorted out in my mind, I stop, breathe, don't listen to the excuses about why it's not required for me to write myself out and specifically if my behaviour has involved, involves another that I may risk to impact again, instead I sit down walk through my excuses and write myself out in SF and SCA to make sure I do not repeat the same patterns again

I commit myself to stop my existence as this Character personality seeking for attention and for recognition from others by writing myself out until I can walk through this point in the physical as Self Correction, standing one and equal to my mind and my physical body, for myself and all of existence Equal and One

Related articles

• Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.
• 211: ImPosing My Mess (Mind) on Others
• Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You
• Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership
• Day 313: MEAN-ing-FULL Relationships