Day 285: Anger Galore

Odd day.

It started with a phone call that made me angry, the usual lady that makes it her reason to live to try and slip her responsibility for her health on me and everyone else while we are not watching.

In the afternoon my mother, who got annoyed because I told her she was welcome to come and visit but I missed the point of "Easter' and why we had to do something special for it -when we never did. Then she said 'I thought you may be going somewhere' and I said 'how? I'm broke, where can I go?' and then she got angry because I mentioned Money when she now believe I have more than her, meaning I should accept my sacrifices happily and not mention them, because WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE THEM, It's Life.

Then I went to pick up the cable of my printer from a guy that pretended to fix it for 25 euro and turned it into a copier that no longer wants to behave like a printer.

And finally my teenager student came and she had to be dragged for 1.5 hours through her English homeworks while we negotiated every single step 'read aloud' 'I will if you don't make me do exercise 5 and 6" a point we had to negtiate because her school teacher 't forgot to ask them to complete the exercise page, we agreed she could complain about them but would have to do them anyway - she resorted to read half a page like an imbecile - just to spite me.

When she left I was tired.

I watched a day of anger go by and participated in all of the above instances a little more every time as they accumulated, I had to tie myself to the chair to not smack the book on the head of my student, that's how fare I allowed myself to accumulate in a day alone.


There was another event in the middle, I read a post on a site that does nothing but Gossip about what we do, I wrote 5 answers to it and deleted them all because I was aware I was reacting and pretending not to.


So, what can I deduce? I cannot participate in anger at all, it doesn't mater that I do not display it or engage in it outwardly, the inward movement is enough, it's plenty in fact to pile up an energetic trail to a gun powder deposit, I should know this, have had memorable anger outbursts in my life and they all started seemingly innocently, and specifically, they were never my fault :)



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for trying to do what she does all the time, failing to see it was not a personal movement she had against me, but simply an impersonation of one of her main characters that I took personally and to which I reacted in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger is real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when reading the troll website commenting on what happened on Quora and for engaging my anger into writing replies meant to knock some sense into his/her head, when in fact this was an excuse to vent my anger instead of stopping myself from reacting as a self directive principle


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I went to pick up my cable to give in to the irritation for not having been given back the original cable as I anticipated that my printer would not work - which it didn't, and within this for moving into disappointment as suppressed anger I did not want to look at, instead of stopping myself, breathing and bringing myself back here in and as breath, back from a day lost in emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I spoke to my mother and I could feel the irritation mounting up regarding Easter as a point of nonsense to reply in Character instead of hearing what she was saying beyond the Easter point, which was to come down and visit and spend some time together, and to justify why I did not want to hear I told her why was she asking 'where was I going for Easter' as she knew I had nowhere else to go, playing the victimization point which I did because I was not here or I could have seen how stepping into that character would have played out to her, being the one who has halved her income to support me and within this, for looking for a reason why I had a right to be angry, such as the point of her underlining that we are all making sacrifices, to look at that point like it was her fault, that I inherited an acceptance of life as sacrifice, which is nothing else but another shift of responsibility, blaming her for the beliefs I have accepted and allowed instead of standing to no longer accept and allow Life as sacrifice for no one, not her, not myself and not anyone else, which is why I stand as One vote for an Equal Money System for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I now feel angry, to compare how much more I used to give in to anger as a way to compliment myself that I am not that bad after all, as to say 'look, I have changed so much' failing to see that I use comparison to my worse self as a justification to why I don't have to stop and why I can't stop because My past of Anger is quite populated with outrageous acts of possession, instead of not using comparison as a justification to why it's OK for me to participate in an energetic reaction, no matter how small it seems as I forget that energy accumulates into those possessions that never came by chance but through my participation in anger one step at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student arrived and I saw she was moody, to start going into a resistance to her behavior until we went into conflict and instead of stopping myself with breath, try to harm-wrestle my position of power as a teacher and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in a situation of conflict one should always win and that should be me, instead of breathing myself back into stability from where I could look for a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I move into anger, look for reasons why my anger is justified, to look for why I could later claim that 'I didn't start it' when in fact the day ended proving that I do exactly what A. tries to do with me, try to shift on others the responsibility of my behaviour instead of taking responsibility for my participation in anger, no matter how good an excuse I can find to motivate why I am in fact entitled to it.



When and as I see myself approached by people that I interpret and define as moody, angry, irritating, annoying, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand I am looking and them through the filters of some Characters and not as myself as Life beyond judgements born out of memories and opinions and I support myself to breathe to bring myself back to stability until I can see in self honesty I am no longer participating in anger in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself looking into my anger archive to find other 'worse moments of anger' in my files to prove to myself that I am entitled to this 'little movement of anger by comparison', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to compare my energetic participation of the moment with my previous participation as an excuse and breathe to stop my participation in anger beyond any good reason I have found up to then that proves I am entitled to it

When and as I see myself moving to play back in my mind the 'anger incident' looking for how I can explain why I was entitled to get angry and how I was not 'the one starting it', I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate no matter what I have told myself about 'who started and who carries the fault therefore'

When and as I see myself trying to blame another for my anger, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to shift the blame or attempt to shift the blame on another



I commit myself to consistently stop my participation in anger and my belief that anger is real and one and equal to me and who I really am and to catch myself in the slightest beginning stages of my participation in energetic reactions to learn to effectively stop myself for good, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• 128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
• Day 341: Without a Care in the World
• Day 220 - Me as Anger/Resentment/Resistance in Relationship

Day 185: My Name as a Trigger of Fear

This is a continuation to my previous Post
Don't Call My name In Vain - Link at the Bottom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, record inside myself my name associated with Fear when a certain tone, tonality was applied to it, and for then accept and allow myself to move into automatic Fear whenever someone would use the same tone, tonality, as in stressing the 'o' in the middle of my name and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had accepted and allowed myself to turn my name into a Fear Trigger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, fear that my name would be called out by authority figures, having associated the fear I felt when my name was called in a certain way by authority figures and the power that I believed they held over me and that they would exercise by first calling my name out and then, once I would be in the grips of fear, administer their authoritarian behavior which left me feeling diminished and powerless because they held the power to call my name out and activate the experience of fear within me, and within this I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that any internal experience of myself is self created and has nothing to do with any one 'outside' of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as diminished when authority figure or adults (which were authority figure when I was a kid) would call my name out as I moved into the negative anticipations of the events to come, having associated my name being called out with emphasis on the middle 'o' as the warning of troubles to come that I would not be able to escape

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my name to the fear of people finding out that there were 2 'o's inside of it, a sign of masculinity that could not be hidden to anyone who came like me from a gender based language and for feeling I had to make up for that lack of femininity in my name, with an extra feminine personality so as to never have my femininity doubted due to my name containing two masculine vowels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear short hair and bald heads because there is just so much masculinity I can pull out without being defined a 'male' and that was invested into my name into a delicate balancing act that would not allow for any other 'male' behavior such as short hair or bald heads and for defining myself as a female within the required parameters of this society I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people mentioned my name with a specific stress on the 'o' vowels, they meant that I was not feminine, that there was something faulty and wrong with me because as a female I should have had a name with feminine vowels and so every time my name was spoken with emphasis on the 'o's I would feel mocked and move into defense mode as I had to defend my femininity against my name, which by the way, every time I moved into this state of tension, thoughts about my mother and what the fuck she was thinking would come up and I would blame her for the experience of myself within my name and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my name spoken with a certain tone/intonation as a threat and for moving automatically into a defensive stance instead of seeing and realizing I had accepted and allowed myself to associate my name to specific tones/intonations that I would then take as an attack and to which I responded as an attack in retaliation for what I experienced inside myself that was just self created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the desire that friends and family would cut my name short, to cut away the shameful part of it, so I wouldn't have to face this automatic response that I held within me, as me, as fear about my name where I perceived the 'o's were spoken as a weapon used against my femininity that would put me into a situation of distancing myself from others that insisted in speaking or writing my full name instead of one of my nicknames, with which I was comfortable in and as, and for participating in the emotion of shame in connection to my name I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions connected to my name and for failing to see that all reactions I experienced in connection to my name where in fact self created and could be self corrected through a process of writing in which I decide that I cannot be defined by my name, that it is just a name for practical living purposes on this planet and nothing more/nothing less

I commit myself to, when and as my name is spoken in full, to stop and breathe, make sure I am or have not moved into fear as an automated reaction to a tone or tonality and I commit myself to bring myself back into the physical through breathing to dispel any reaction, should they occur, before I respond in any way whatsover

I commit myself to, when and as I hear my name spoken with emphasis on the 'o', to stop, breathe, realize that if a reaction comes up that makes me feel threatened for my femininity, it just means I need to further investigate this point until no reaction as fear of not being feminine comes up in relation to my name

I commit myself to, when and as I hear or see my whole name in writing, breathe, so I won't move into an automatic reaction of distancing myself and clamping up as I perceive the other being approaching me within a frame of intentional doing on purpose what I dislike, such as using my full name, instead I remind myself that it is my responsibility to clear all energetic attachments to my name so no reaction will be triggered ever again when my name is spoken or written out in full

I commit myself to welcome the speaking and writing of my full name to check if and where there are still reactions of fear or automated behavior that I can self correct so I can stand stable and not access my Name Character in self defense and retaliation

I commit myself to accept the simplicity of the point that a name is just a name, that doesn't make me less or more than anyone else, but a practical way to be able to communicate with others and operate within this physical reality.

Related articles

• Day 184: Don't Call My Name In Vain
• Day 137 Moving Through Fear
• Day 82 - Fear of Authority
• Day 188 Reactions in fear of being judged as unworthy.
• 2012 How Deep is your Low? The Bitter ends of a merry-go-round lifestyle

Day 184: Don't Call My Name In Vain

So, looking at my name and what my Name carries in terms of energetics, memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When I was a kid I didn't like my name it was too long and people would end up cutting it, which I was pleased about, half of it seemes useless anyway, why so many vowels, why a name that is longer than my surname, it didn't seem right.

There were other things 'wrong' with my name that I noticed.

I am not sure that I was born this way, wih a sense of simmetry and of 'where things belong' in a space, because things don't belong just anywhere, they belong in a specific place in space, we just need to find it, put them there and never move them again, the fact that others didn't see the 'place of things' as almost marked with dotted lines seemes very strange to me, why were they not paying attention??

The same was for my name, it had 2 vowels, one next to the other

El-eo-no-ra

this was not right, every consonant should have just a vowel next to it, that would be balance in my imaginary rules of the world of sound.

2 vowels next to each other have a name, they are called diphthongs, but it's not the case of the ones in my name, as in "a gliding monosyllabic speech sound as the sounds of “ou” in “out” and of “oy” in “boy”, my 2 vowels did not 'glide into each other, you could hear them both "e+o".

When I was in primary school and the teacher explained gender, she told us that masculine words ended with 'o' in the singular and 'i' in the plural. I sat there in shock, I  had 2 masculine vowels in my name, how was THAT possible? I checked out all the other girls names: Anna, Valentina, Maria, Cinzia, Carmen..ah there, Roberta, but she had only 1 'o', she was less masculine than me, is it?

Why was I not given a feminine name, a more common name not a "Special One', I felt I did not fit my name, I was too small for this name long, full of vowels name, for the expectations this name carried, I had to literally grow into it to fit it to myself and stop feeling awkward about it

When I went home and complained and asked for explanations, my mum said I didn't understand anything, it was a regal name, a Noble name, there had been Princesses and Queen with my name. Were there?

I went and checked it out, nope, the Queen and Noble ones were called Eleanor, only one 'o' check it up dear mum, the Italian ones were less known, I discovered them later (like 5 minutes ago when I looked it up, because at my times we did not have Internet but just access to libraries and school books) so basically I created this Fear of having been given an 'unfeminine' name' which could explain why I balanced out the act for the rest of my life with a very very feminine personality.

The peple who called me by my full name were only my grandparents, on all sides, teachers, anyone in a position of authority that would read my documents and my mother when she was angry.

She would stress the middle "o" EleOnora and that intonation alone would catapult me in a self created state of anxiety in which I would immediately move into my Mind walking back the time from when I last saw her, checking for what could I have possibly done that prompted the EleOnora call hoping that if I could find the incriminating bit I could make up a story in my defence, come on, THINK THINK!!

So, within me my name exists in 2 versions, the full version, linked to Authority and Authoritarian moments in my life and as soon as it is spoken that way I move into defence mode and then the short version, Ele, Ellie, Ely, whatever, just take the freaking scary Os out of it, so I can relax and breathe.

In next blog I will walk the self forgiveness and self corrective Script to release all the energetic ties that link me to it into automatic reaction Mode to my Birth name.

Related articles

• Stupidity Loop - Jumping from the Bad to the Good to the Bad - Day 196
• Day 196: After Death Communication - Part 45
• 197: After Death Communication - Part 46
• 198: After Death Communication - Part 47

Day 55: Some Reactions are 'Normal'' ?

I have been accumulating reactions, and then done what I have done most of my Life, denied them, normalized them and ultimately, suppressed them.

Two that seem linked are related to Heaven's Blogs and the Atlanteans series, yet they are linked in a point that I saw last night after chatting with my Buddy.

Both are outlining my responsibility for Creation, which I don't want to take, because it seems too big and I wasn't even there or can't remember and I don't know if I were an Atlantean, was I ?

Not to mention the Heaven's Blogs,  they fly over my head, I can't even keep the sentences together as they are too long, too convoluted, I am up to date with the Essence of the story, but that's about it.

Yet within all these justifications there is one point in common, if I see that All is One and that Existence exists in Each One of Us, One and Equal, what do I need to take on My Responsibility for Creation ?

The Log of my previous Life participation to see what I did in each Life so I can take just My Share of Responsibility and wait for everyone else to take theirs ?

Because it's Unfair that I should 'Blame' myself for it all, which raises another point of how I still criss cross Blame and Responsibility in my Mind, isn't 'responsibility' the politically correct word through which we communicate to each other 'Who's to Blame"?

Is this what this resistance is all about ?

The point that in fact I don't want to be responsible for It All, Equally with everyone else, I want to be Less responsible, not Equally, so I justify myself with the point that I just can't take responsibility for what I cannot remember, yet we are Here, within an existence of Abuse that makes no sense at all, going nowhere, repeating tasks in automated fashions day after day, after day. What is the purpose of such a Life Experience?

Many unanswered questions, which means there is a truckload of shit I do not remember, and last night when I pushed myself to go on with the Series 'The Soul of Money', some things unfolded in a much less fearful way than what I felt when I listen to the first recording of the Series called 'The Infinity Secret', which I had to drag myself through, because I could not bring myself to see Humanity just as that, a bunch of rods and plaques as I fear I won't be able to put the life I am living in any context if I take on board all these information, I fear how will I relate to people, if at all, I fear I will be unable to reconcile the 'get to know a being for who he really is' with those images, of the Horror and what we ended up doing to ourselves within our separation and fear of no longer existing, and wouldn't that have been a better outcome for all ?

So the common thread uniting these three sources of information is Fear, I Fear seeing what went on from the start, fear having to let go of any shred of ideas that there was somewhere at some point in time, some benevolence within us/me, fear that I will exist forever and I won't be able to escape the Truth of Creation and fear of no longer existing as the Mind, because what worth would there be in a Mind that created such things, such lives that we then had to live out as the Manifested Consequence of our own separation from Life as Equality and Oneness.

But I managed, I pushed all those things on the side and went on in absolute suppression, suppression always did wonders for me.

SO I saw myself telling myself, that some reactions are 'normal'. But are they ?

And how can I not take self responsibility for my reactions whatever is the stirring factor, does the point that the Easter Bunny is NOT Real relevant if I react to it ? NO, because it means it is in fact Relevant TO ME, that I hold something linked to the Easter Bunny that will aways make me react, that I will try to push away, that I allow me to trigger me into doing/being/thinking and ultimately reacting again and again, until I STOP.

So, I stop believing that I am Special and that some reactions I am allowed to keep, because they are 'normal', there is nothing 'normal' in what we have become and the system we have created within and without, and that when I react I am in fact enslaved and that when I resist stopping reacting just because this is what I have done all my life and how I have come to identify myself, I remind myself, that when I react I am in fact Not real, Not Here, I am just allowing the Mind Consciousness System to run the show for me as me, while existence struggles and suffers so I can hold on to my right to feel 'normal' in the crazy evil world I want to be apart from and not a part of, instead of standing in Self Correction and Stop the Self Abuse of me as reactions and self manipulation and learn what Life without being puppettered by reactions, emotions and feelings, would be like, and start Living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to associate Blame and Responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I take responsibility for Existence as a Whole, I am to Blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being Blamed and blaming myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my fear of Self Blame and Blame that I have associated with responsibility and self Responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which words have changed their original meaning while I tried to build a complete separate vocabulary from the real meaning of words, using words to manipulate myself and others into reactions as I did with the word 'responsbility = Blame'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and want to be special and be allowed to justify some of my reactions as 'normal' telling myself anyone would have reacted TO THAT, instead of seeing that any justification I use to allow myself to live as a reactive Robot just keeps me embedded into the experience of a reactive Robot

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what applies to the group I am walking with doesn't apply to me, because I am special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish to be special and more than others instead of seeing I fear feeling that I am less than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to walk the manifested consequences of this existence of which I see no end in sight, and for believing that I won't make it because there is just too much to take on if I consider the existential aspect of existence as well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do it my way as a way to prove to myself that I'm still 'thinking for myself' instead of seeing that it was the thinking for myself, the individualized experience of life in separation that took us here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it's NOT FAIR that I have to take responsibility for ALL of Existence while the Elite drinks champagne and plays golf, instead of seeing that having a thought that I can justify as 'normal' regarding the Elite and the Unfair situation of this world just shows that I have not been willing to see Me as Existence yet, but that I am still looking for acceptable/socially recognized points of Blame outside of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick and choose among the material we are all equalizing with, because some is more interesting and some is boring according to my own judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge boring the stuff in which my responsibility as existence would be exposed and I would no longer have excuses to Blame it on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight for my own limitations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the whole existential thing is too big for me to take on and that I need to walk my individual process instead of seeing the opportunity to walk my process AND the existential process together so as to add capacity to myself through the use of self forgiveness and self corrective application and keep walking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to suppress the emotions I judge as bad because I still blame them on what is happening outside of me as bad and I fear the evil without less than the evil within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be willing to dig into points until I have NO MORE reactions at all, instead of skimming and hopping through topics that I can see still trigger reactions within me because I tell myself I have exhausted my possibilities to look into a point into which I have looked again and again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the change of me in fear that I don't know in what I will change into, instead of seeing I am re scripting myself so I will change into what I script and walk into correction and there is no mystery or something happening from the outside that will take place, but my consistent application and will to self correct and keep walking

I commit myself to stop my existence of thoughts, feelings and emotions, and to keep correcting myself through Breath, no longer suppressing just because 'this is what I am used to', because anything I was used to is of me as The Mind and I have proved to myself that I as the Mind exist in separation and self interest and self abuse, and it's time to stop and walk out of the Mind into Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Day 13: Letting go of "The Rightful Anger"

I have realized that I am responsible for my thoughts emotions and feelings, yet there is one clear point I hold on to, and that is Anger, the One I am entitled to, the "right kind", the One that if I did not have it I would not be 'normal', the One that everyone in their sound mind could see, it was not started by me, I was pushed and shoved to get angry, until I did, and this one is the hardest one to let go for me yet.

A few months ago I renovated the apartment where I live, I 'auditioned' the possible renovators I found on Internet, and chose the cheapest one even though he seemed a bit weird, in a psychotic sense, when he shook my hand his grip was slippery and he would not look at me straight in the face, but he seemed competent in what needed to be done and especially, P. was cheap.

The first 3 weeks were OK, they got on pretty much on schedule, a lot of dust was going everywhere due to the breakage of the bathrooms to dismantle the tiles and the sanitaries; since I was having troubles with my mum I decided to stay Here throughout the renovation and that made me feel like a hero, plus gave me all sorts of credits with my mum, the fact that I had to live here through that crap because she is just crazy and life with her was too abusive to stand and it gave me additional 'rights' on this house.

We gave them an advance, consistent considering the total that was still due, but by week 5 they slowed down and the leading renovator was becoming restless, week 6 went by during which they did almost nothing, but I was aware of what was going on, they felt overworked and underpaid, this has been a pattern of mine, and like him I would just bottle up and one day explode. Yet I did not direct this point by bringing it up and talking about it, I let it slide hoping it would just go away.

This was happening because even though he said at the beginning that he was available and willing to add some things along, for which we were adding the costs to the tab, he felt our advances were too slow, plus, like myself, he was a perfectionist who could not face his own mistakes, and would try to walk away from them before they blew up in his face.

Anyway, week 7 I said to my mum, let's give him another advance, and we did, a substantial one, week 8, the work is not picking up, they were fitting the kitchen lamp and I said "you put it up twisted' and I felt I had just about enough and walked out of the kitchen, this apartment looked like a war zone, I was sick and tired of the dust, had enough of being a hero and wanted to go back to some 'normality'.

This displeasure of mine triggered the follow up events, He felt he could not cope with not being complimented for his specialness and in half an hour dismantled everything, took away some of the stuff we had already bought together and left with his assistant A.

I spent the first 2 hours in a shock, this was deep shit, especially because my mother was involved and I was the one 'on the watch', plus I had no clue how to pick up from there, had no contacts in Italy yet and could not see a solution.

So, I just breathed and told myself, let's suppress all this stuff that is going on since it's evening and I cannot find a solution and I will look into it tomorrow. The same evening I wrote to him to say you must finish this work, yours is a behaviour for the psycho unit, you took the money and the stuff we bought together to finish the work, he replied that he was sorry but that was "the way he was", he insisted he was sorry to have treated me poorly as I was obviously a 'nice woman' and he apologized for that, we wrote to each other for a while, I gave up on the idea that he would come back and finish but could not give up on the anger, I was fucking entitled to it, I sent him links to the mental heath association in Milan and suggested he went there to be checked, then I wanted to put a notice up on Internet that he could not be trusted, but I could not find the way, the will was there, I justified myself that I did not want anyone else to have to go through the same experience, while it was a plain retaliation, an outlet I hoped I could find into which I could channel ALL The Anger I was entitled to.

Meanwhile I found other renovators, they finished all the work in 5 days, some things they could not fix, they told me clearly "lady, the previous renovator, P,  did a few things wrong", they had to re break the walls to fix them, plus at one point they told me that he did things to damage me on purpose, like taking pieces of taps that were half walled up and that are still there with the missing crowns.

I had told the new renovators that the previous one had an accident, as I felt ashamed of telling the Truth that I had been left in that state for no reason by someone I had chosen to do the work, which I had obviously chosen poorly regardless of the sign of 'something not right' just because he was cheaper.

A month ago his assistant A. started looking for me, he is an Egyptian guy, the second renovators were from the Middle East too, my caretaker asked him to leave his phone number, I called him and found out that he was looking for his previous boss, I did not want to talk about what happened in fear of having to dig up this humongous rage I had not dealt with, since I was entitled to it, so first I gave him all the contacts of his previous boss I had and then sent a message to the second renovators to say a guy would contact him for work and that I had told him the second renovator was a good guy and might be able to help out.

I felt damn good about myself, so forgiving, so above and beyond it all.

A few days went by, A. contacted me again, this time to ask for help write an ad, so I did, wrote him an ad in Italian, sent him all the links to the free ad places in Italy, told him to open a new GMail account, I did everything he asked bar placing the ad, which he hinted but I said, NO, you can do that by yourself, it's all manual work now, I have already set it all up, you need to fill in the specifics and PLACE THE ADS.

A week went by, Monday morning he has his new partner call me at 8 am in the morning to ask me to place the ads for them, ALL THE ANGER i had suppressed just came up and I told him 'I have been too nice and kind up to now to not tell your friend to go fuck himself, they left me in deep shit just 4 months ago, I said nothing, I understand that when you work for a psycho for a living you may have to do things you do not agree with, yet all this was NOT enough ?" Then when I put down the phone in utter anger possession, I sat down and sent him a message to say the same things plus I sent him all the pictures of HOW THEY LEFT THIS APARTMENT as a reality check and told him, go and learn Italian if you cannot understand what I wrote you and stop calling me unless it is for Italian classes and basically, go fuck yourself.

Two days later the wall next to my bathroom had a large water leakage :) When I saw it I went into an anxiety attack, images of works to be done yet again flashed through my mind but then other images all connected in a string flashed as well.

In my life, every time I have been unable to contain something, I have flooded a place, I did it a few times in Milan many years ago, twice in Hong Kong in my home, and once in Hong Kong at my ex best friend's place.

Water is my curse, and saviour, because once I do flood a place I can no longer pretend I am fine, the evidence of my suppression is there, this time I didn't flood the wall, I flooded in between walls, same as my suppression, the emotions I have swept under the carpet hoping to never have to deal with them again.

Anger as entitlement is a BIG point, because one thing is to be angry and NOT be 'entitled' to it, one thing is to be ANGRY and be entitled to it, yet none of this is true, whenever I am angry, entitled or not as I perceive it through judgements of my minds, I am just enslaving myself to reaction as polarity enslavement and I am not Here in Breath, in and as Self Expression, but lost in and as the Mind into loopholes of energies which are Not Real. 

So time to STOP and clean up my act with Self Forgiveness 

I forgive my Self  for accepting and allowing myself to Blame myself for my poor choice for a renovator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take notice of my body's reactions to my first meeting with this man P, because I am still confused about not judging and just seeing a point of practicality beyond judgement that my body is showing me, like the point 'this man is mentally unstable'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my choices based on saving money because I fear spending money as I am not working at the moment and I fear for my future and my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I had not picked P. for the job I would have to face my judgements of his obvious signs of mental instability that were clear from our first meeting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insist on seeing 'good things' in people that I have already judged as 'bad' in fear of having to look at my own judgements and what I participate in One and Equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and  allowing myself to judge mental problems as bad since my mother showed signs of mental instability and I feared having taken on those traits and feared being bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother's mental problem and instabilities as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to fear having mental problems that would lead to my instability and to my being 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring up a point for which I can see and feel tension so it can be discussed in the open and not lead to bottling up and follow up explosions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when P. left me half way through the renovating job as I felt it was my fault and it is my fault when people walk away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when people walk away from me there is something wrong with me and not just see their walking away as their choice, defining themselves and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when people walk away from me and in the specific when P. walked away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgements of others when people walk away from me, because my grandmother used to judge my mother saying 'she couldn't keep a man' which meant it is my responsibility to "keep" people and not their responsibility to stay or their right to leave and move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control my relationships because I defined myself in and as the success rate of my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when the new renovators came and said 'some things were done on purpose' as I thought if someone damages you on purpose you must have done something wrong because when I wanted to damage others in my life I believed they had done 'something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bottle up the anger I felt for P. because I was 'entitled to it' instead of realizing that I was enslaving myself to a reaction that I kept alive due to my idea of 'entitlement' to an emotion that I defined 'right' for the occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have no right to a place to stay because a right is given by ownership and since this house belongs to my mother, she has the right of ownership to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to trade suffering and anguish for a right to live because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is what life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress anger instead of facing it and releasing it through self forgiveness when I had the tools to do it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others for my and their anger, believing that anger is a form of diminishment and ending up diminishing myself and others in anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometimes 'people pull you by your hair' into anger, instead of realizing I am ALWAYS the only one responsible for what goes on inside of me and not just sometime but not the times when I judge emotions and feelings as the natural consequences of someone else's actions or words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my anger as I feared my mother's anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look down at my mother when she was having anger outbursts as I have later looked down at myself for my emotion of anger and then suppressed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be nice in an attempt to be able to judge myself as 'a good person' when I wanted to tell A. that I had done enough and they would have to do their own posts, instead I did not direct this point 'hoping' he wouldn't push it too far and when he did I allowed myself to feel 'entitled' to my anger because he pushed it too far instead of seeing it was me not addressing the point effectively when it was due

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide anger into acceptable and unacceptable instead of seeing I have just built a back door for myself for when I WANT to participate in and as anger without taking responsibility for my participation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body through my participation within and as the energy of anger and for accepting anger one and equal to who I am, while now I see anger is not who I am unless I accept and allow myself to participate in and as anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak or write from the starting point of anger, infecting others while I resisted standing up and taking responsibility for my emotions and clearing myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I suppress anger it will ultimately go away, instead of realizing I made my body a warehouse and a whorehouse for my suppressed anger selling out flesh for the energetic charge I would get through my participation in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with 'Anger' that I fear letting go as I fear letting go of anything familiar, no matter how sick it makes me and how much suffering it brings to myself and others

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into anger I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in emotional patterns of anger as this is not what is best for me and therefore not what is best for All, and I check to see if I am about to make the proposed anger path justifiable through entitlement as I have beaten this path quite consistently, and I tell myself, there is no acceptable or justifiable or any kind of anger I am entitled to as anger is Self Abuse and I am stopping the Self Abuse to stand up for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal

When and as I see myself looking or about to go through my memory database for points that would make myself entitled to the anger I am planning to participate in, I  stop, breathe, remind myself I have been down that path many times and I know where it leads and I no longer want to move into and as anger, so I breathe myself back Here until I see I have stopped this pattern consistently through self correction in and as the physical.

I commit to no longer give in to anger of any form or kind, but to instead write myself out to unravel the points until no Anger exists within and as me as I no longer want anger for this world one and Equal to me, but Life Here in every moment of Breath for everyone, One and Equal.

Day 8: The Ex that was never X

This morning I knew I wanted to write on a specific point that came up when I went to the gym yesterday, which is my connection to the word 'wet' :), even though this connection opened up the whole sex system and I was reticent to write about it in 'public', I found out as well how many topics I have to write about, seemingly innocent points that come up during the day, like 'I hate Jews" out of any apparent context or my connection or even conscious awareness of the point, to Hong Kong that I have not yet cleared in writing, especially my relationship with Michele my friend, so I'm making a list here to go back to each one of these, but when I read the mail this morning an urgent point opened up.

My ex husband sent me an email, to ask me about my travel agent in Thailand, this annoyed me greatly, because something happened on which I had built an extensive, although suppressed back chat, 10 days ago and I did not address it, instead I brushed it under the carpet believing that since we are not in contact regularly, it would go away.

The point was that 10 days ago I started to feel guilty about NOT telling him that we, as permanent residents of Hong Kong had the right to apply for a tax refund of 600 Euros, yes, Hong Kong is so rich that is giving tax money back to their citizens as a balance sheet surplus, money that they could use to improve the lives of those who are really poor in the city, like the Filipino maids, and who are a great asset to this city in which nothing could move without the Filipino workforce that amount to 300000 people, but they never had the chance to apply for permanent residenceship as they are not considered Equal worthy citizens even after  20 years of residence in the city.

Anyway, WE, the white Caucasians and a few wealthy Indians, have this right either by birth, nationality or Money when both the previous are missing, applying is very easy as everything is in Hong Kong, since the city focuses on the happiness and on the easing out the lives of the Money makers of the world that decide to take up residence there, I just had to go on my bank website and fill out a form, easy peasy, 4 weeks later I got the money credited on my account.

My ex husband has never been good with these things, he finds everything that needs reading of a bureaucratic nature tedious and he gives up before even trying, so at first I had quite some spitefulness going  on, like fuck it, why is it my responsibility to let him know, isn't he big enough to handle his own stuff, in the mixture there some resentment as well for our life together and for one particular incident I see now I should write about and I will. Anyway, these thoughts kept churning until one morning I decided to just write him a note to explain about the refund and how to do it, inclusive of links, I wrote him an email and sent him a msg on Facebook too. No Reply.

This was 2 weeks ago, so when I received his message today, I felt angry, in fact I still feel angry, because he always contacts me when he needs information, like I'm the yellow pages of his life and then he closes his messages with sentences that make me want to smack him, this one closed with 'I will see you, sometime, somewhere, somehow'.

So I replied with all the information required and just a note to say 'how is it possible to contact you unless by replying to one of your messages ?', this line was loaded, interesting because it is not at all in appearance but the most fascinating thing is that he replied with one line that said, in child transliteration in Italian 'I got scolfed'. He got the unspoken/unwritten load.

So, what are the points of all this irritation that I can address ?

First the point of my irrelevance in his life, it's obvious, I hate to be irrelevant in his life because if I still play the reaction game with him, he is not yet obviously irrelevant in mine.

Second, the point that he contacts me only when he needs something which makes me feel used but I still comply because I don't want to tell him to fuck off because this would make me doubt about my 'goodness' as a person, which is odd since I have already admitted to my non benevolence so it must be something else, yes, I fear his judgement, meaning I fear my judgement as having lost my aplomb, having fallen to the "fuck you" point so I swallow the 'fuck you' and load an innocent sentence with the same 'fuck you' charge, which he gets in full.

Third, I dislike reading between the lines that he is happy with another woman, in fact happier than he has ever been with me, because in this I find a point of devaluation as I compare myself to her subconsciously and I come out as a loser.

Fourth, I don't like to not be in control of how this relationship goes, so he can contact me whenever he wants and I cannot, so it's not fair, a point of unfairness for the unbalance of the relationship.

Fifth, I hate to be moved into reactions when interacting with him, so every time i see one of his messages I anticipate it will piss me off, even though, in self honesty, I can see there is no intention of doing so and it is all my unresolved stuff between us that brings up such feelings and emotions.

Sixth I have not let go of the what it could have been and the point of regret, there is a link as well to my being back in Italy, a question he asked and I did not reply to, which was, "Are you happy? are you in Italy to stay ?", because this brings up the point of failure for myself of having returned to Italy after 17 years abroad, having nothing 'to show' for myself, like my life never happened for 17 years, it was an intermission between the life I hated in Italy before and the life I hate in Italy after, it sucks to even write this.

Plus I have a fear of writing this as my husband will for sure be back on FB and email for a while, having been scolfed' and he may get a chance to read it and I will feel exposed and even more of a loser than I feel  when I interact with him.

So off with facing all these points with Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being irrelevant in another's life and in the specific in my ex husband's life because I have defined my relevance by the feed back I get from others/from him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about my irrelevance in my ex husband's life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more relevance on my ex husband than on myself as a feedback regarding my self worth, and for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Worth Here as Self Worth here  and not dependent on anything from the outside and separate from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for 'good' feedback from others regarding my relevance just to feed my Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to prove my relevance as an Ego system instead of accepting my Self Worth as Self Here in breath One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband life is my responsibility because this is how I understood marriage and I have never let go of this responsibility allowing myself to feel guilty if I do not do something for him as it is my responsibility to fill in where he lacks, as in organization and being on top of what goes on around him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband lacked these qualities just because I had them and I wanted to be important and useful in his life until I managed to make him lacking in my eyes so I could be the needed filler

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel used

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others and for feeling guilty regarding using others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to use others to have my desired outcome from my mental projections and fantasies about how my physical experience should be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about using others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself about using others and making of myself a 'bad person'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to tell others to 'fuck off' and in the specific to my ex husband because he doesn't fulfil my idea of how our relationship should be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my 'fuck off' for the desire to look civilized and good and not showing I'm in fact overcome with emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my ex husband judgement of me as a deranged bitch that told him to "fuck off' without any reason

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement of myself as a deranged bitch that tells people to fuck off without any reason

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are good reasons to tell people to fuck off that have to do with my ego and being right while others are wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous that my ex husband as a good life because I associate the words 'good life' with having a successful relationship and since he sounds chirpy in his message I assume he has that and I don't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life with my ex husband's life to make myself a loser according to my ideas and beliefs of what a successful life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as the comparison construct in  which someone has to lose for me to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm not in control of this relationship just because I blame my ex husband for the way I feel every time we get in touch with each other instead of taking self responsibility and accepting that what goes on inside of me has nothing to do with him but is the result of my suppressed back chat that I am not willing to face to stop it and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in this relationship because I don' t like what it brings up in me instead of seeing it as an opportunity to face myself, stop, breathe and self correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what has never been between myself and my ex husband  even though it should be clear that if it has never been the point of regret is a fantasy I made up together with what could have been but never was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories regarding my relationship with my ex husband so as to remember some  rare good times as a way to push myself into make belief regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories to highlight the bad times with my ex husband when I try to resolve the make belief point of regret by showing myself there is nothing to regret, instead of breathing, standing up to correct the delusional point of regret until I no longer exist one and equal to regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a failure because I am back in Italy without accepting it was my choice and Italy did not 'happen to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face my responsibility of in fact being back in Italy and having to do something here in regard to my participation in and as the system because I fear that if I do I close my door to leaving this country that I believe I hate as I hate my life in Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hate Italy and my life when in truth i have always only hated myself and my participation in and as this system of abuse in which I was never better or worse but Equal in the fuck up and now Equal in a process of Self Correction in which I am no longer alone as a random unit of self destruction but One and Equal through the process I walk with others to correct myself as the self abuse of thoughts, emotions and feelings I participated in and beLIEved to be me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into irritation regarding a message from my EX, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is only Self here and whatever he brings up inside of me is an inside job and as such it is my responsibility to fix it and release the bottled up energy that the irritation is pointing at, standing in self honesty and self correction until no reactions move when I interact with him

When and as I see myself reacting or about to react to anything I read into one of My ex husband's messages, I stop, breath, remind myself anything I read that is not there is a fantasy in my mind and a result of accumulated back chat, I look at it in self honesty, write myself out and apply self forgiveness until there is no longer a reaction inside of me regarding to what he writes

When and as I see myself fearing a message from my ex husband I have not yet read, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is nothing I fear in this world but me and what goes on inside of me and that in self honesty and self corrective application I can correct my past until nothing of who I was remains and on the blank slate of my Ego I can rewrite a world that is best for All

I commit myself to investigate every reaction that comes up inside of me, look at the root cause and how I have created it through a self judgement that I have not yet forgiven and to forgive myself until I am no longer a reactive being that contributes to what we have become as the Mind Consciousness System in and as separation from myself and All There Is, but a Self Directive One that can stand One and Equal for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal