Day 406: Owner of a Broken Heart

My boyfriend left last night, it was not as a result of a fight but of a series of events that exposed beyond any resonable doubt, to him as well, that this relationship was based on interest and, de facto, it was a relationship, not an agreement.

Some of the things he said made a lot of sense, like the fact that he doesn't feel equal in his participation and he can't live with this, he said that since the question 'why are you here' on my side was recurrent when we had a fall out he admitted that the question kept coming up because this question existed inside of him as well.

I said that an agreement is a place where both work to make it work, while I was talking I wondered if I was just robotically acting out a speech.

A few things that he said triggered a feeling of being hurt, being offended, one was when he said 'story - which story?' when I was talking about us and then the next was 'are we free now?' and the feeling he couldn't get away fast enough - that triggered a feeling of rejection and of having been used.

This happened Saturday. I spent Sunday on the sidewalk of a pity party, I didnt join it, instead I spent the day watching videos on Mind Control and MK Ultra and Satanists seeking to put my very minor problem into context, I mean there are people that do blood sacrifices and traumatize children to turn them into perfect slaves, hello, talk about mental problems, I have just had a relationship ending.

Plus, I couldn't not notice the feeling of relief, of finally having the bed all to myself, of owning my time again so within one day I was pretty much stable again, I could even look at his side and see how we got here even though I knew that I would have to address those 2 points, the feeling of having been used and the feeling of rejection.

When I felt like crying I saw that the points that would come up were related to self victimization as in 'nobody wants me', this is a residue from something that happened with my mum that created this personality plus its a construct of hers who has lived her life as the Construct of being rejected due to her history with her mum.

When he came back today to talk to my neighbors about a job, I was stable and we could sit down and have a small chat, I was glad about this because the day he left I was possessed by the feeling of 'rejection' and when he said, 'if you need anything call me' to which I replied, 'if you need anything -don't call me' and on top of that I refused to shake hands and I didn't like myself for that.

Another point that came up was how I almost immediately wanted to move into evaluating this break up through my Money Personality to establish the amount of 'my loss' in material terms, proving that I am still run and not yet running/directing myself.

Good opportunity to rewrite the script.

In my next posts I will address these points with SF and SCA to move on and release these emotions and everything that goes with them.

Related articles

• Day 406: Let your Sins be Forgiven
• Day 406: Relationship Paranoia Guidelines
• Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership
• Day 407: Tylenol, the Magic Pill to Reduce Anxiety Over 'Existential Uncertainty and Death'
• Day 408: The Internal Politics of the Mind / Consciousness - Part 1
• Day 409: The Internal Politics of the Mind / Consciousness - Part 2

Day 357: I am not 'The Fonz'

When I was a kid there was a show on TV called 'Happy Days'.

I liked The Fonz, he was the cool guy of the group and while I liked everything about the most famous show ever to introduce both 'The American Way of Life' and 'The American Dream', I liked him best because everyone was impressed by him and everyone feared him.

It is amazing to look back at the models that shaped who we have become as we have picked and mixed people's characteristics to come up with personalities decent enough to walk on the stage of this world without feeling lessened by our own presence and how much Hollywood worked hard to churn out more and more characters that we could copycat, finding our own 'originality' by piecing together the things that stood out as 'valuable' -to create value for ourselves, never realizing how unoriginal in fact we have all become nor that the people we worshiped where characters too, that outside of the screen they had troubled lives more often than not, lives of which we knew nothing nor cared to know about because we were always and only looking for 'accessories' to add to our 'projected images' so that we may be more than others as we accepted that life is nothing but a competition for survival.

One of the most famous of Fonz quirks was his inability to say 'I'm sorry', understandably so, he was the coolest guy who was always right and when not he could make others so afraid they would be the ones conceding to him that they were wrong infact.

So I associated the word cool with 'never say sorry' and this is one point that came up the other day when I did something I could have avoided, someone around me reacted and said what I said was hurtful and made him feel exposed as if there was no safety in our relationship and then because I couldn't in the moment say I was sorry I went on to list what He had done wrong which was more serious, had more weight, was more reproachable than my joke, all the while entertaining the nagging feeling that I could have just said 'I'm sorry' and stop myself from participating in needless retaliation seeking to be right at all costs when I was not at all.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that saying 'I'm sorry' within intimate relationships is Not Cool and for defining coolness within the behavior of 'never say I am sorry'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cool because being cool meant an extra buffer between me and the rest of the world which I believed I needed for extra safety instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was just afraid of others because I feared myself and what was going on in my mind about others and I assumed they may have the same stuff going on about me in their mind -and that was frightening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking the words 'I am sorry' within an intimate relationship, to perceive a loss of power, a diminishment in the admission that I was wrong and had made a mistake instead of seeing and realizing that by my saying 'I am sorry' I was in fact correcting the mistake I had realized I made and not in any way diminishing or belittling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'I am sorry' within my intimate relationships in case the other was keeping a black book about me, as I did about them, where they noted all my mistakes so they could call me out any time like my mother did and like I did to others as I copied the pattern of behavior that my mother showed me within a 'close relationship'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in case they would be held against me for the natural duration of my life because I never seemed to do good enough to delete my mistakes from the black book my mother held against me and for believing that it was appropriate and convenient to hold a black book of others' mistakes so I could use them to put them back in their place whenever I saw fit or whenever I felt myself threatened into having to admit I had made a mistake myself but theirs was graver, more serious, they were in fact wrong-er than I ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have to participate in this score keeping about others and our own mistakes, never letting go and within this supporting the construct of the unforgiving nature of this world because what is acceptable for me, what I allow in the small manifests in the big and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that there is no value in score keeping regarding miss-takes of myself or others but only in the practical application of my correction as I show myself that I am taking response-ability for my words, thoughts and deeds all the way into self correction and as I keep walking my self corrections I accumulate the self trust about my ability to change, my ability to not repeat what has not worked in the past for myself and others equally and within this self trust I can trust others, I can give others the benefit of the doubt so that they too may walk their self correction instead of being held down by my ledger of wrong doings that defines them and me equally as unforgiving and unforgiven

When and as I see myself feeling resistance when I see that I should apologize for something I said or did, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen clearly this point as a desire for value above another and that I no longer want to support my mind's desire to be more than another through my unforgiveness and that I want a forgiving world for myself and others so that we may realign to Life, let go of all our past mistakes and move together to find solutions that work for all

When and as I see myself desiring to take out my little black book where I mark other people's mistakes, I stop, breathe, tell myself that those little black books are the holes that we dig for ourselves individually and collectively and I no longer wish to be part of this system of blackmail of each other through our past mistakes, instead I breathe to let go and make sure I don't file anything about myself or another for later use

When and as I see myself fearing to lose value within a moment in which I can clearly see I should apologize, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no value in being right and making someone else wrong, that this values are only values of me as The Mind ans as such not valuable at all, instead I move for the value of supporting another as myself, as Life, within a movement of forgiveness of myself to end the desire of wanting to be right making someone else wrong as I see realize and understand that a forgiving world requires my forgiveness, the absolute forgiveness of myself first so I can extend it to others one and equal

I commit myself to, whenever I see myself being wrong, before I move into the Mind to look for excuses and justifications about why I am entitled to do so, be so, act so, to stop, breathe and ask another the forgiveness that I grant myself in the breathe I take, before I speak to take my responsibility for an interaction that did not work out to what is best for all.

Related articles

• Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia
• Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

Day 351: Intimate Relationships - The Dwelling of My Paranoia

We are reconsidering the Paranoia topic for a week.

Last night we had a look at the Paranoia Design. I wish I saw that 20 years ago because it would have saved me much grief in my personal/intimate relationships.

Basically, Paranoia is a consequence of our participation in and as the Mind, as such everything counts, the little reactions one brushes off as insignificant or even worse, as justified, the thoughts, the memories, everything that has an energetic value that is not accounted for and directed will accumulate and finally land one into an Alternate Reality, from which the story doesn't end, from the Alternate Reality as in a whole Made up World of assumptions and con-clusions one keeps feeding the design until the bubble bursts, usually in my experience, wreking absolutely uncalled-for havoc.

I was extensively paranoid when I smoked pot, that was the time when my habit of doing the above bled over into every facet of my existence and ended up into me losing the relationship with my best friend due to this specific behavioral pattern, because of accumulating things I believed she did, said, thought, which I viewed through specific intentions and I kept going until all hell broke loose.

Interestingly, even as I was doing that I had somewhat an awareness that 'I' was the problem, for me it was quite easy because having accepted myself as a pot addict, my whole life was continuosly in question, my choices were questionable, my thoughtts were questionable and then finally my memory became questionable until I could not trust my mind at all -ever and I perceived myself hostage of a creation I had no clue how I had created and how to stop, mostly it happened under my non-watch, one single step at the time further fucking myself into the depths of my delusions.

One of the things that I found really screwed me to the bone was isolation and solitude, those are places that only healthy well balanced people should go and visit and I was not one of those, I don't even know many of them either, isolation and solitude are actually the last resort of the Paranoid, the place where we go and pretend to thrive so we won't have to face the fact that we basically fucked up All our relationships, no matter how good we have become to justify the righteousness of our stand and ways.

So, for today topic I want to write about what happens to me in private/intimate relationships, specifically when 'the object of my affection' is not around, which might illustrate the design in more detail for others to see it as well.

It usually starts with everything cool, leveled comunication while some points are not disclosed just because they seem irrelevant or petty on my side, this as well comes from my experience with my mother's attempts at comunication which invariably led to lengthy moments of tension and my desire to run away and stop the river of meaningless words she would flood me with and that I had lost the ability to see for what they were, her attempt to reach out and right things between us, however she could.

It's a bit sad to write this now as even this point that led to me believing in how useless words are as effective tools to navigate the world was a point of sellf manipulation, which I used to not allow her to get close because I myself did not know how to fix all the water that had gone under our shared bridge and I didn't see how it would be possible that simple words could correct the consequences of our actions and participation as the relationship we lived, we had participated in extensive mutual diminishment and never corrected it, her clumsy attempts to straighten things out were always met by me with contempt, specifically when her speeches started with 'you know I love you very much'.

yes, right, this must be why you beat me, or threw me out of your house or told me I was a whore just because you couldn't find any other way to put me down - just keep your fucking loving to yourself all-right-y?

In this way words somehow lost credibility in my eyes and I decided I wouln't waste my time and my life in even trying to fix with words what was done with deeds, there was no way, they were no match.

I took on most of my mother's constructs, like the building up of energy in the form of anger, frustration, disappointment, I just changed the way I dealt with them because I didn't like her way, the incontinent way of leaking words continuously looking for resolutions that never came.

And so I embody the opposite, the aversion to communicating or even trying, the resistance to sitting down to elaborate a point with another beyond preconceived ideas and I am the most ineffective in my intimate relationship, where I always skip the 'what is going ons', 'where are you ats', 'what's your view on this', to make sure step by step that we understand each other, instead I leave extended period of silence go by, pretending everything is cool, trying to make everything go away by shushing away thoughts and reactions vs stopping and directing myself and them into A SOLUTION, into an agreement that doesn't leave space for backchats or doubts.

In my next blog I will write my Self forgiveness and corrective statements on this specific point.

Day 288: Looking at Taking Things Personally

Today I spoke to my ex h., he asked if he can stay at my place for Easter because one of his aunts died and he is coming to see the family.

I said 'of curse course, you are always welcome' - and of course I didn't mean it.

I wish I did, I wish I was that kind of woman that would really say 'you are welcome' and mean it, specifically to him because as we say 'much water has gone under the bridge' and yet obviously - not enough.

Anyway, there is a specific reason I am clear about regarding why I felt I was not happy to see him and I may work on it in private, but what I want to write about today is this trigger that still works between us.

It goes like this

he asks for my advice or an idea or what food we should eat - and I make a suggestion, and he then goes on to say 'NO' and explain why my suggestion is wrong.

I had almost forgotten about this because I wrote a lot of SF on my relationship, but today as I did not see the trigger coming s I basked in the delusion that I was done with our misunderstandings, he asked me an idea about a business, I gave one, he proceeded on our usual track to explain why it was NOT a good idea, I explained the whole sides of it, which he proceeded to debate and THEN, an the tenth 'NO' I saw the trigger but it was too late, because I was already reacting with the usual 'why the fuck ask me then - if you have an answer why not go with your answer instead of using me to bounce off how clever you are to see all the whys what I said will not work', this was just backchat, not shared, but from there I saw myself move into the Ironic Character, and I had to repeatedly stop myself and delete all the jokes I wrote because they were not humorous, they were 'gotcha' jokes - my way of evening out the ledger.

When we do "ideas" the trigger is not too strong - I was once given a key about him from a girlfriend that worked with NLP, she told me he is a "faulfinder by profession" and he doesn't mean anything PERSONALLY. So it is about taking something personally again, feeling diminished because my idea and hence myself was not good enough.

It gets worse with restaurants, because I have a belief that if you ask, you must sincerely not know what you want to eat, so why it only becomes clear that you don't want to eat Chinese, Japanese, Turkish, Indian, Italian - just after I say it, this is harder to believe, so I always interpret this point as the 'desire to pick a fight', today we treaded lightly the food point and I was vague because I had seen myself wearing my little fuchsia battle helmet for 'rejected ideas' and I was not stable enough to walk the food trigger.

As well there is a deep seated anger about relationships that is triggered when we talk but it's deep deep, like a blame I don't even want to admit to myself -that it is because of him that the idea of a relationship is now revolting to me, vs taking responsibility for how I end up feeling within a relationship that made me design this revolting point as a screen to cover up the fear that I may be the problem of relationships and that I should no longer chance one, least I have to face this point once more, and so, blaming him it's all too easy, so easy in fact that I deny doing it and then bury the whole story 6 feet under, never deep enough to not fear it may all raise its ugly head again and so the rage that boils up from all of that, the rage is the dragon I have put to guard that secret, the rage is the the lid, so when I see the rage potential I won't go and dig into what is really going on there and how to dig it all out to self correct.

Tomorrow I will look into this point to clear myself and see if for once I can enjoy this visit and the time we have to spend together.

 
Process Instructions @ Desteni

Related articles

• Day 288: Earth your Energy for Enlightenment
• 128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
• 129 - Part 8: Correcting the Reactions
• Day 347: What can I get out of this?