Sunday, December 16, 2012

Day 222: You are Nobody Till Somebody Loves You - Character

With this blog I am going to investigate the point of 'romantic relationships' what they meant to me, how I built my life around them and how I felt justified to suppres it all when I boarded the Desteni Process, just because I started process from the point of 'renouncing' what I had understood so far 'living' was. Hence since relationships were one of my big fuck ups, I would give them up for good.
This decision came with consequences, some of which I have already written about and some that I will explore in the following days because this point is quite large which is another reason why I did not want to take it on, plus of course, to leave for myself another chance at the "experience of relationship" when I would decide I wanted one.

'Renunciation' as a point came up as I was chatting with a friend who is walking process like me and while I had become aware of my fear of being attractive, I have not dug into the why as "Fear of relationships", as feeling exposed to the possibility that someone, somewhere would come along and tell me 'I love you' and then off I would go back on the Merry go Round of Feelings and Emotions, spinning out of control, sabotaging everything I Have walked so far.

So, as I have been wobbling walking process for a week now as I fought like Luke Skywalker to push down everything that was coming up after my first love came back on the scene, and as I said to myself for a few days, gotta write it all out, I kept postponing in fear that I might lose my last chance at a 'high' so to speak, when in fact for the first time I have created enough 'space' inside myself to be able to realize what I was doing and that my fears are unjustified and they need to be released.
Many points came up about why I told myself 'never again' with regard to relationships and I will walk them all, but as I prepared to gather all these points inside of me to see more clearly, this song by Dean Martin popped up.

At the time when I praised and practiced "Romance", this song used to make me cry. Few days ago when the theme popped up again I felt angry, and I started to look at all the songs I have memorized about love which have more or less the same take, how insignificant we are without Love, minuscule, Nobodies, scum of the earth.

Interesting that within that perception of ourselves we then WALK into relationships, in my case looking for a fix to everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not, a sure recipe for disaster, because once the ride of the emotions and feelings ends, we fall on our asses, we fall to start with, as we board the Love delusion, that's why is called "Falling in Love", instead of staying firmly with our feet on the ground beyond emotions and feelings to see how supportive a relationship can truly be, if there is a chance to expand and grow together, if we can make a commitment that will last because we'll put in the work to make it last.

So, as an Italian, as a representative of the CULTure of Love, I was exposed since I was little to Love Songs, which are nothing more than Codes, codes that we write within ourselves and then accept and allow to set standards and guidelines about 'what relationships should be about'.

Many of the Love songs I listened to were about tragic Loves, she left, he left, she died, he died, she was unfaithful -he killed her (this is possibly only in our Culture :)) but then he went to jail and spent his life thinking about her, she was betrayed but then She Survived, She Was Strong Enough etc.

Tragedy apparently is the best ingredient for lyrics, we make movies with happy endings and songs with tragic endings, as a living example of our bipolar existence of desires and fears as The Mind, plus artists seem to need that kind of kick in the face to get moving, to 'express' themselves as their sorrows.

So it is no wonder that since an early age my life revolved around the idea of romance and great love, I was Nobody until somebody loved me, never in a million years can mothers who don't love and accept themselves unconditionally teach their children otherwise.

My mum was not very romantic, but she was man-dependant, it is really weird because she always ended up in poor relationships that led nowhere, my father left telling her he was going to buy cigarettes after 3 years of marriage, the second long relationship she had was with a gambler she ended up supporting financially as well and that would belittle her at every possible chance and what I saw was always a very capable woman who went into a wobble around men, her behaviour was kind of disgusting to me, the fact that she would lock herself in her bedroom on Sundays and wail and then come out all bothered with red eyes, led me to think that living relationships with men from the starting point of 'need' was demeaning and embarrassing.

This is how and why I developed a relationship personality specifically for men which backfired big time Sooo many times one would think I would have revisited and corrected myself. But NO, I did not, instead I created layer upon layer of justification about why I had a right to exist in such a spiteful way, always trying to be in control so I wouldn't have to live as my mother lived, as a woman diminishing herself day by day, seeking the 'love' of a man just so she could be somebody, ending up exactly like my mother in a suppressed denied version, and by the time I ended my relationship with my ex h., there was little of me left at all.

Tomorrow I will start to walk my Self Forgiveness about 'Who I have been within relationships with men' to return myself to me, to stop this diminishment that creates cravings and creates backdoors for self manipulation into emotion and feelings, as it has happened to me this past week, so I can just "feel" alive, one last time.

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