Day 293: People Pleaser - Character

I have skipped writing for a few days. I have missed it.

I had a guest and then my mother came.

I have noticed that when there is people around I give up writing, I give up me basically.

The guest was my ex, I had a lot of time during the day to write but I didn't because I was busy keeping myself stable, haha, meaning walking a tightrope that ended feeling like walking inside a narrow corridor where on both sides there were doors that if opened would swallow me.

Did it work? No.

Because I could have sat down to write about what I was experiencing instead of  trying to wrestle it all inside my mind, which did not work and ended in accumulation that eventually blew into resorting to my usual behaviors, just because it was easier to walk a Character than to explore being Here Character-less in the face of having to relate to others, in the specific my top 2 entries in my world of misunderstandings and suppression.

Another reason I saw about why I did not want to write is because I took writing as a 'therapy' that proves I am not so  'normal' because 'normal' people don't need therapy, they just manage their lives effectively, lots of beliefs that have to do with how I relate to others, fear of judgements and my definition of writing as 'therapy' vs writing as an expression of who I am.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting down and writing when people are around because I fear their judgement of me as a 'nutcase' instead of pushing myself through my resistance because I have created amazing support for myself so far through writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when people are around, consider their potential reactions/comments before the support I can give myself through writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchats about writing, giving writing a meaning as 'therapy' and within this accepting that I am a nutcase that needs writing as a way to defuse my potential blow ups instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the 'nutcase' is just a character I give in to please others, so I could offer a definition that would show that I accepted all the blame for everything that did not work in my communication and my way of relating to them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with others in self honesty and instead of pushing through the resistance, to accept my limitation as fear of expressing myself and what is going on with me and what I see could support me - such as writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not important because my interactions with others define me and are themselves  defined by their positive feedback for which I change and adapt to make sure I please them when they are around me, so I can be pleased in return through their approval of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not give to myself time to write as a way of caring for myself and taking responsibility for myself 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define writing as a task, as something that is on my 'to do' list of things I have to accomplish during the day as I see, realize and understand that when I define writing as an obligation, when I feel under pressure for other obligations I will let it go, drop it as I attempt to make space between my perceived obligations for myself instead of seeing and realizing that writing is not my obligation but my self support and that all the more when I perceive myself under stress or pressure that would be the time to sit down and write to avoid accumulation of energetic reactions and their unavoidable consequences

I commit myself to, when people are around, to make the time to write and push through my resistances to do so until writing is one and equal with who I am and not something separate

I commit myself to stop defining writing as a task I have to do, an obligation, a therapy as any definition separates me from writing as who I am as a tool for self support to stop my participation in and as the Mind and return myself Here to the physical, in and as Breath.

Related articles

• 142- Learning How to be Self Directive as the Journey to Life
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Day 266: Anxiety - Byproduct of Expecting the Worse

Anxiety plagued my family.

All of us apparently resolved it in 'their own way' which is of course the same way, just through different means: food, alcohol or pot - or fighting with each other, as a release outlet.

For a few days I did not hear from my mother, this in itself for me is an anxiety trigger because when I was a kid I would be kept deliberately in this 'suspended animated' state to build up anxiety until I apologized either for something I did or for something someone imagined I did.

If I go back to those moments I can still find that specific anger and hatred that I felt as a result of either the confinement and ostracizing or my own admissions of failure to just keep the peace, find the peace in the family again.

So, yesterday I took the excuse of Valentine's day to call my mother and 'check her mood' to see if I was supposed to move into the anxiety state further or if I could release myself from it.

Within this particular relationship I have not deeply resolved the hatred, it's there, I can still blame my mum for holding me prisoner of her moods, when in fact I just feel hatred for myself and for never having stepped out of this self created control as 'the mood of another' in relation to myself or how I imagine it related to myself.

So as I watched myself yesterday I saw how this experience of myself has steps and they are

anxiety

suppression

pretending I am not suppressing it

distracting myself -this in the past would be the moment of smoking pot-

back to anxiety

into my mind to seek solutions to see how I can tackle whatever reason my mother has to hold me accountable for her mood

deliberately not noticing how I hold her accountable for my mood of anxiety

lookig at all sides of the problem through my Imagination to establish what is it that someone will say so I can prepare my defence and not be taken by surprise

build myself up into a state

hatred

self hatred

bigger hatred directed outward because I hate myself and this is someone else doing, why did they start this bullshit at all?

suppression

denial

distraction -now manifested with calling a friend and downplaying the event as 'silly' as me 'above it'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of constant anxiety when something seems 'wrong' with my mother



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of moments in which I perceived an injustice was done to me that I took personally and not as the symptom of a problem with someone else when I was a kid, for which I accepted the blame and then felt hatred and believed that hatred to be real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for the hatred I believed I felt for my mother as I blamed her for the experience of anxiety within me, without seeing realizing and understanding that this experience was the sum of my energetic participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions that I believed to be me as I took on my family patterns of how to respond to external prompting and accepted and allowed myself to be triggered onto an emotional roller coaster as it was expected of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to feel bad when my mother went into one of her moods, because when I didn't and laughed about it, the punishment either physical or emotional would be harsher and I feared having to face punishment more than inflicting self harm on myself as a way to show that I understood my wrong doing and that I had to repent through feeling bad, anxious and disconnected from the family

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my mother because I interpreted her behavior as cruel and deliberate instead of seeing and realizing she was not in control of herself and she was passing on what she herself had been subjected to within my family that she blamed for her experience of anxiety and of herself, just as I did once I started to grow up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into 'expecting the worse' as a way to be prepared, ready, to know how I was supposed to respond not to be caught by surprise as I experienced 'surprise' as a moment of vulnerability in which it was easier for me to feel destabilized and for developing a desire to always control every possible outcome so I could control how I reacted and perceived myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the anxiety raised, look for ways to suppress it and then deny it because I no longer have what I associated to be 'my anxiety solving tools' such as pot and hence I now fear anxiety even more than before and instead of writing myself out to address this anxiety and my fear of anxiety I have sought new ways to suppress it and belittle it by talking to a friend in an attempt to deny and diminish the experience I am living as myself and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worse and all possible outcomes in terms of words, tracing back every word I spoke, everything I did that could justify a possible attack from another for which I must ready myself,as a consequence of believing that, since those things happened in my family, they will happen always, everywhere and I must be ready at all time, ending up living in a constant fight or flight response mode

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the topic of anxiety for me is too big to address and to allow myself to stop writing and get distracted by something else, instead of pushing through what is it that I experience in detail, so I can see how this way of living has become me, how my chest is always constricted, how I always hold my breath unless I come back to the physical and I don't want to live this way anymore and for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of anxiety as who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe everyone experiences anxiety just because it was the trademark of my family and I saw my mother on medications for it, instead of seeing and realizing that while behavioral information are passed on from generation to generation, I had to accept and allow myself to believe that this was who I am to activate the whole program of anxiety as who I am and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anxiety is who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I perceive myself escalating into anxiety due to a standstill with my mother, to move into blame and rage, believing it's all her fault 'if I turned out this way' because if she was not so fucked up I wouldn't be either, instead of seeing and realizing that it is in this blame that I give up my power to change, because if it is her fault, then there is nothing 'I' Can do while if it is my response -ability I can change, no matter what programming was passed on to me I can decide to no longer subject myself to it through breathing and consistently bringing myself back here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was nothing I could do and for fearing that what my mother was as an anxiety machine I was destined to become and for the fear I lived believing there was no escape for me from madness and instability, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it was my duty as a 'loving daughter' to worry about my mother's moods, as she did about her mother's moods, always weighting words for their potential of disapproval, instead of seeing and realizing that this was part of the preprogramming families inprint on their children to make sure they will follow in their footsteps, using Love as the propeller that justifies abuse and designs how children will handle and deal with the abuse to make the family always right, never questioned so we learn how to then step into the system with the same defied attitude and just accept everything as 'the way things are''

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could never change this point of anxiety, because it is just the way things are, it is who I am, failing to see that my acceptance and allowance of myself 'just the way I am' is the same acceptance of this system just the way it is, which is in fact unacceptable and so is accepting to live a life of anxiety as a way to always expect the worse and for living always expecting the worse and preparing for 'imaginary battles', I forgive myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself starting to constrict in the chest, to stop and breathe, check where is my anxiety and how did I activate it and then walk backward out of it breath by breath

I commit myself to investigate this point of anxiety until I no longer live anxiety one and equal to me, as I consistently do not accept anxiety as who I am a the way things are

I commit myself to not fear letting go of anxiety as if I was losing something just because I lives AS anxiety most of my life and instead breathe myself back to life, one breathe at the time until I am consistently here, stable in and as breath

Related articles

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Day 238: Concerned about what I share

This is a new one, sort of.

Since a month ago someone from my past came back into my life -not really- but came back into my head.

And now everything I post gets first screened for approval to see if it's acceptable or not, if it will rock the boat too much and even to send 'subliminal messages' hoping some hints are taken, so that I don't have to speak up or say what is it that I am really going through.

This clearly showed me that I still very much care about what others think of me, I was just idle for a year or so since there was nobody left around me whose opinion I cared for, everyone had just upped and left where I had not been the one to do that first.

Of all the people that can read my Facebook page, for a while I was concerned with my ex husband, I feared the label of 'nutcase' for the Annunaki Reptilians stuff I posted, which is CRAZY -not even remotely as the things we believe at the moment about our creation important to note-, because I fear the association with anything connected to the Reptilians due to my own judgements of the Reptilians story the first time I heard it, when I bent in two in hysterics thinking THAT was the stupidest thing I ever heard, a race that created us as slaves to mine gold, come on people, a race so advanced to be able to fly around and land on planets at leisure, couldn't they come up with some sorts of robots to do that work, who would take a race and try to change their DNA (and how??) and then make them mine gold for them, and couldn't they get an alternate source of energy than gold, so many holes in that story, they just compounded to make the Russian yoga teacher that shared it with me seem more like a Space Cadet than she ever did before.

When I met Desteni therefore I had to drag myself through my own self created and then self inflicted sense of ridicule for quite some time and never really sorted it out.

I know the Annunaki Reptilians piece is one I find the most embarrassing to be associated with, even today, not because what they share doesn't make sense, far from it, Anu's interviews are on top of my list of Amazing things I learned in this Lifetime, but just because of what I have not cleared within me yet, this became painfully clear when I wanted to share a piece on Capitalism with a guy on the Economics thread and I went all the way to posting it into another of my blogs which is more anonymous, in fear that if the page opened on the Reptilians interview, EMC, EMS and myself would be dismissed as foolish and plain insane, that the point of the Reptilians would be abused to Not Hear and not even consider what was shared.

I even redid my blog removing all their interviews, I posted the other 'acceptable' interviews on Eqafe, the ones people can relate to more easily and there they can find the Reptilians as well.

Of course this added an extra layer of friction, as this point has moved through me in different phases:

Phase 1: the Ridicule phase - secretly laughing about myself

Phase 2: The Fear phase, what will people think

Phase 3: The "In Your Face" phase, I have got balls I'll share ALL the Reptilians stuff, watch me

Phase 4: Ex boyfriend on radar - what will he think of me, can I stand being a nutcase again, what if he doesn't like me/want me anymore, what if he wants to disassociate from me

Phase 5: Monitoring my posts, activate secret policeman to watch each post and 'imagine' my 2 new/old FB friends reactions, seek "meaning loaded" posts to share to shape ex boyfriend into new potential boyfriend I can hook up with

Phase 6: Shame

Phase 7: Suppression

Phase 8: Fear that sharing EMS and EMC on a page with Reptilians interviews will be scuffed and derided

Phase 9: Revamping my Blogger site to delete All traces of 'weirdness'

Phase 10: Self Disgust

Phase 11: Writing it all out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the Russian yoga teacher told me the Reptilian story based on a group trying to reactivate our lost DNA, to laugh and laugh and secretly ridicule her for her beliefs, because I thought' how convenient, to blame this fucked up world and our existence on imaginary brain damaged reptilians that couldn't come up with a better solution to dig out their gold than twist our DNA that resulted in the fuck ups we are today

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when considering the Reptilian story tell myself that such an evolved race would have come up with something smarter, something like robots to do their dirty gold job, failing to even consider that we may be the robotic creations of such a plan

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, whenever the word robot, robotic, automaton comes up relative to Humanity, to move into resistance as I don't want to be associated to a robot, robotic Creation or automaton because that makes me perceive myself as diminished, "less than" what I liked to believe about myself and humanity and our inherent -although invisible - greatness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in the Taliban phase of Desteni, moving to obsess everyone around me with my 'discovery' of the Matrix, to share this information with my ex husband and when he replied to me 'The Matrix is NOT real, get a grip on yourself', to feel ridiculed and diminished and unable to explain HOW it was in fact real because I had spent evenings chatting with him after we watched 'The Matrix' movie to prove that it was In fact impossible to be living inside an engineered reality due to technical limitations, such as data storage, failing to see we were addressing this point from our own limited understanding of reality and how it all worked without considering the Creators' ability to manage the points we saw and deemed unmanageable without us 'sniffing out the truth of it all'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, first seek approval and support from those around me about this incredible story that made so much sense to me I had to share it and when that didn't happen and I perceived people shying away from me, to isolate myself and push away everyone else that may be a source of ridicule for myself as I sat imagining the kind of conversations my ex friends would have about me, just as I had about the Russian yoga teacher and the reptilians story and for gossiping about my Russian friend and ridiculing her about 'her' reptilian's theory, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand, that the reason why I ridiculed my Russian friend was because I feared knowing anything about this reality that may contradict my belief in the Benevolence of it all that I had managed to hold on to in the face of Reality as the evidence that there could be no benevolence in this creation of Inequality and Suffering and a God/Universe/ White Light that expected anyone to go through unspeakable life experiences for the Glory of....., and for submitting myself to fear as a way to not take responsibility for this creation as mySelf, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I met Desteni, fear that I would be forever changed by the information they shared and fear what I may come to learn about ourselves and this reality and within this fear to build up resistances to some information about the evident robotic nature of ourselves to the point of moving into reactions that I would suppress every time the words robot, robotic, automaton were written somewhere because I feared the experience of myself as diminished, belittled, dwarfed in the face of the truth that I never lived and that everything of me that I came to believe to be true was in fact a lie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others of me as a nutcase because I had been travelling and embracing many belief systems that I had successfully sold to others such as Law of Attraction, but I could not see how was I going to sell THIS ONE, as I projected on others my own fear of learning about this reality and the true nature of ourselves, even though I had already come to some obvious realizations about Humanity, such as the one that we are having Personality Disorders as the foundation of our interactions, and for believing that it is important that I sell a Theory to someone else to make it valid and true, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of going to the root of my Fears relatively to these information, suppress it and create another Personality to handle it all, The" Bold In-Your-face- Personality, through which I mustered the courage to share the amazing Reptilians interviews, not from the starting point of sharing what I had found supportive, but from a 'screw you' starting point, to prove to myself that I could do it, that I had the balls to share what I came to learn was true and that other should learn as well so I could have their support and approval and feel good about myself again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when B and T contacted me and I felt the past showing up, to move into fear about what I shared, fearing that what I shared was not acceptable to be considered 'normal' or 'worthy of attention' and that if I did continue I would be labelled a nutcase or someone belonging to a cult, and instead of unraveling what was going on within me, I activated the policeman in my head to whom I would first ask approval before I posted to make sure what I posted was acceptable and I wouldn't have to face consequences from my posting, such as being ridiculed or being dropped for 'no longer being interesting -or sane' and for accepting and allowing myself to be driven by fear and the desire to be accepted, valued and considered sane in what I have been sharing now for a month, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was monitoring my posts through a policeman in my head, to move into shame and instead of addressing the shame to proceed to suppress it, pretending it wasn't there, just like the policeman in my head, because I feared the judgement of myself as weak and a man's puppet seeking for approval in the hope that I may get a relationship going for me if I didn't seem too insane or 'too out there'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when debating Equal Money Capitalism and Equal Money System on the Economics thread on Facebook and when wanting to share some writing about why we are not considering the system we live in, to realize I had fears of associating the information on EMC and EMS to Reptilians and for considering changing my whole Blog format before addressing the fears driving me to this point, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a wimp for changing my Blog format instead of seeing that it may make sense to not create additional friction in those who are attempting to consider a new system of Governance and that instead of judging myself as a wimp, I could have looked at this point practically putting myself in the shoes of another, asking myself if I could have handled both the information about a new system and the truth of who we are at the same time and that if I came to the understanding that it may be more beneficial to lead others as mySelf to Eqafe and allow them to work out the information at their own pace, I could have done so, not as a wimp but as a self directed decision about what is best for all and not what is best for me to either cover up or pacify my fears and that this is the point why we are pushing to move beyond Reactions, emotions and feelings, so that we can CLEARLY see what needs to be done and just move to do it, beyond self judgements and beyond energetic as positive/negative/neutral driven actions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not clear myself over this point for almost a month and for allow it to build up until I could no longer trust that what I was doing was in alignment with what is best for all because I did not take the time to clear myself enough to stand stable and move as self direction in the most effective and supportive way for all and for this, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into checking in my mind through a Secret Policeman what I am about to do, I stop, breathe, bring myself back here, do not allow my decisions to be driven by secret energetics within me in fear of judgement, self judgement or desires to be liked and accepted, instead I make sure that I am clear before I post what I want to share with others in alignment with what is best for all

When and as I see myself having doubts about what I have decided to do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I am having doubts I am not Here, because when I have been here in and as Breath I have just done what seemed common sense to me and if I am having doubts I first need to bring myself back here in and as Breath and if the doubts persist, I shall sit down and write down what is going on within me that stands in the way of my clarity before I act in and as Self directive Principle

When and as I see myself fearing that what I am about to do may have undesired consequences, I stop, breathe, assess if the undesired consequences I am fearing are real or just imagined through one of my personalities and when I am clear and stable I act in and as Self directive principle

I commit myself to no longer be concerned about what I share as I see realize and understand that when I am here in and as Breath, stable, not driven by any reaction, emotion or feeling, I am able to assess the outflows of what I am doing and evaluate the benefit of sharing vs the benefit of not sharing and to breathe before I act to make sure nothing drives me that is not mySelf as Self directive principle in alignment of Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

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Day 216: The Gangster's Moll Character - Self Correction

This is a follow up to my yesterday's post 'The Gangster's Moll'.

I will walk the Fear, Thought, Imagination, Backchat/internal conversation/ Reactions (Emotions/Feelings)/ Physical Behaviour and Consequences of this Character I have created

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment when I was growing up and to separate myself from it within my mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear boys that gathered together in a pack because I had experienced that when boys were in a group, they were worse than when they were alone and you never knew what was coming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to be less than boys as a result of a 'I show you mine if you show me yours moment' when I was laughed at and was not shown theirs and that left me feeling duped, stupid and inferior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if anything I desired, such as physical contact with boys, should happen, they would tell and I would have to be ashamed of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my own desires for boys and the physical contact with them due to how that contact/touch made me feel and fearing I was not allowed to feel the thrill of the touch of another because that made me "bad"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' for enjoying the touch of another in the physical and for separating myself into suppressed desires in fear of my own judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the boys in a group within an underlining desire that they would gather and take me, so if they did touch me I could skip the shame as it was their responsibility and fault and I had just been overpowered to do what they 'ordered' me to do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that boys were dangerous in a pack and for filing memories with a danger label just so I could cover up my own desires to spend time with them and exploring each other physically

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a whole imaginary world around boys being BAD and dangerous, as I projected outside of myself my own self judgements of myself as being 'bad and dangerous'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, due to the imaginary world of projections I created around boys and how they were to blame for what I experienced and the desires I suppressed to spend time with them without being scolded or called a whore, to create an experience within myself of Fearing Men, when in fact what I always feared was just myself and my own self judgements

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize comments about women and what a 'good woman is all about' which did not include mingling with men even though I enjoyed the presence of men around me, which led me to always be suspicious and on the defensive when I found myself around them, fearing my own reactions I believed I had no control over

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I wanted to be 'a good woman' whatever that meant, because I thought that good women had more value in the eyes of society than bad women, when in fact within this division and labeling there was just a game of blame and judgement going on, within which all women hid their own desires for the company of men but due to their own self judgement they refrained from doing what they really wanted and spent time pointing fingers at those who were more free and went for the experiences they wanted to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I didn't like men and their behaviour, simply because men were out to get what they really wanted, which was sex, which was what I also wanted but I couldn't allow myself to say so because if I did I would be a 'bad woman' and I feared I would no longer like myself then

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I kept this charade up to hide my own desires, create internal conversations to justify my view regarding the 'badness of men and their dangerous behaviour', to the point that I created fears within me regarding the men world as a result of my own dishonesty and then, as a result to the rising fears, I had to seek protection for myself against Them, and that led me to creating a Character seeking protection that developed into the full blown 'Gangster's Moll'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions of inferiority toward men as, while I was obsessed with them and their presence and I perceived myself changing around men, they seemed more relaxed as they went for what they wanted, or tried to and if they did not get it, they would leave it and go to play football, while I would be left behind within my obsessions and no one to blame them on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in feelings of superiority as I played my Character of the woman in need of protection, as by that stage I had gotten all clues in place about how the game was played, which was to NOT give in to what I wanted and boys wanted ,which was the physical contact, but to keep them hanging, for as long as it took until the game turned into an obsession for them too, so at least while none of us had what we wanted, we both shared the shitty state of unfulfilled obsession and I was the one in charge of the game, which made me feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when around a man because I would immediately move into evaluating him as a potential sex partner, checking if it was in any way possible that with some pleats here and there, sex could happen and within this for never giving myself a chance to get to know somebody and who they were as I allowed my desires to take over while I allowed myself to go on a merry go round in my Mind instead of being here in and as breath, sharing space with another being as one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of Men, change as I busied myself trying to embody the perfect woman they had in their mind, so I could get their attention and once I had that, move into a position of superiority by playing the game of not giving in to the desires I myself put in their mind so I could feel strong and in charge for the sake of my Ego

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of men, as a result of my thoughts and backchat, feel excited, wondering which kind of feelings I could milk out for myself that would make me feel good about myself, without regard for the other being and what it would take for them to get off the imaginary creation I set up for them to engage in their mind for my own benefit and satisfaction

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of my projected fears and desires, create a Character as the 'Gangster's Moll' in which all my dreams came together, as  I would get to have the attention and recognition I craved in exchange for playing the 'Moll', the Doll, the Babe, the Baby, abdicating the responsibility of myself to another, my expression to another in exchange for a positive feedback that would make me feel valued and appreciated, instead of seeing where and how I had separated myself from Self Value and Self appreciation and correcting that point as me, so I could stand on my own two feet as a self responsible human being

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence to living these suppressed desires into a Character that was in fact allowed to have them and live them, separate myself from myself into a play, into a shadow of who I was and wanted to be but did not accept in the face of my self judgements and the fear of the judgements of others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create for myself the consequence of needing protection as that was what I craved as a result of accepting that I was powerless in the face of my desires for men, and then blamed these desires on them until I feared them and from this fear I birthed the need for protection, which seems like a convoluted loop but as I write it it makes much sense, and for living a life in which I projected my need of protection as a consequence of my separation from myself, I forgive myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself desiring to move into 'protection mode', to stop and breathe, see which desires I am not willing to take responsibility for and breathe through them until I release myself so to not walk into this Character of the 'helpless woman in need of protection'

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself blasted into the past, where the easiest thing to do would be to revert back to Characters that I created and I am familiar with, to stop and breathe, as I see realize and understand, I don't need anyone's protection, I need to stand in self honesty regarding what goes on inside of me so I can face it and own it as me and if it is not aligned with what is best for all, correct myself to bring myself back into alignment as I stand by my decision that whatever I desire, want or believe I need that is not what is best for me and best for all, must go, as I change myself to change this world to a place where my desires don't come before the needs of all and my needs don't come after the desires of none.