Day 357: I am not 'The Fonz'

When I was a kid there was a show on TV called 'Happy Days'.

I liked The Fonz, he was the cool guy of the group and while I liked everything about the most famous show ever to introduce both 'The American Way of Life' and 'The American Dream', I liked him best because everyone was impressed by him and everyone feared him.

It is amazing to look back at the models that shaped who we have become as we have picked and mixed people's characteristics to come up with personalities decent enough to walk on the stage of this world without feeling lessened by our own presence and how much Hollywood worked hard to churn out more and more characters that we could copycat, finding our own 'originality' by piecing together the things that stood out as 'valuable' -to create value for ourselves, never realizing how unoriginal in fact we have all become nor that the people we worshiped where characters too, that outside of the screen they had troubled lives more often than not, lives of which we knew nothing nor cared to know about because we were always and only looking for 'accessories' to add to our 'projected images' so that we may be more than others as we accepted that life is nothing but a competition for survival.

One of the most famous of Fonz quirks was his inability to say 'I'm sorry', understandably so, he was the coolest guy who was always right and when not he could make others so afraid they would be the ones conceding to him that they were wrong infact.

So I associated the word cool with 'never say sorry' and this is one point that came up the other day when I did something I could have avoided, someone around me reacted and said what I said was hurtful and made him feel exposed as if there was no safety in our relationship and then because I couldn't in the moment say I was sorry I went on to list what He had done wrong which was more serious, had more weight, was more reproachable than my joke, all the while entertaining the nagging feeling that I could have just said 'I'm sorry' and stop myself from participating in needless retaliation seeking to be right at all costs when I was not at all.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that saying 'I'm sorry' within intimate relationships is Not Cool and for defining coolness within the behavior of 'never say I am sorry'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cool because being cool meant an extra buffer between me and the rest of the world which I believed I needed for extra safety instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was just afraid of others because I feared myself and what was going on in my mind about others and I assumed they may have the same stuff going on about me in their mind -and that was frightening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking the words 'I am sorry' within an intimate relationship, to perceive a loss of power, a diminishment in the admission that I was wrong and had made a mistake instead of seeing and realizing that by my saying 'I am sorry' I was in fact correcting the mistake I had realized I made and not in any way diminishing or belittling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'I am sorry' within my intimate relationships in case the other was keeping a black book about me, as I did about them, where they noted all my mistakes so they could call me out any time like my mother did and like I did to others as I copied the pattern of behavior that my mother showed me within a 'close relationship'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in case they would be held against me for the natural duration of my life because I never seemed to do good enough to delete my mistakes from the black book my mother held against me and for believing that it was appropriate and convenient to hold a black book of others' mistakes so I could use them to put them back in their place whenever I saw fit or whenever I felt myself threatened into having to admit I had made a mistake myself but theirs was graver, more serious, they were in fact wrong-er than I ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have to participate in this score keeping about others and our own mistakes, never letting go and within this supporting the construct of the unforgiving nature of this world because what is acceptable for me, what I allow in the small manifests in the big and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that there is no value in score keeping regarding miss-takes of myself or others but only in the practical application of my correction as I show myself that I am taking response-ability for my words, thoughts and deeds all the way into self correction and as I keep walking my self corrections I accumulate the self trust about my ability to change, my ability to not repeat what has not worked in the past for myself and others equally and within this self trust I can trust others, I can give others the benefit of the doubt so that they too may walk their self correction instead of being held down by my ledger of wrong doings that defines them and me equally as unforgiving and unforgiven

When and as I see myself feeling resistance when I see that I should apologize for something I said or did, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen clearly this point as a desire for value above another and that I no longer want to support my mind's desire to be more than another through my unforgiveness and that I want a forgiving world for myself and others so that we may realign to Life, let go of all our past mistakes and move together to find solutions that work for all

When and as I see myself desiring to take out my little black book where I mark other people's mistakes, I stop, breathe, tell myself that those little black books are the holes that we dig for ourselves individually and collectively and I no longer wish to be part of this system of blackmail of each other through our past mistakes, instead I breathe to let go and make sure I don't file anything about myself or another for later use

When and as I see myself fearing to lose value within a moment in which I can clearly see I should apologize, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no value in being right and making someone else wrong, that this values are only values of me as The Mind ans as such not valuable at all, instead I move for the value of supporting another as myself, as Life, within a movement of forgiveness of myself to end the desire of wanting to be right making someone else wrong as I see realize and understand that a forgiving world requires my forgiveness, the absolute forgiveness of myself first so I can extend it to others one and equal

I commit myself to, whenever I see myself being wrong, before I move into the Mind to look for excuses and justifications about why I am entitled to do so, be so, act so, to stop, breathe and ask another the forgiveness that I grant myself in the breathe I take, before I speak to take my responsibility for an interaction that did not work out to what is best for all.

Related articles

• Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia
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Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest

This is a Follow up to my Previous Posts
links at the bottom

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I Don't Need Anybody
Don't you Dare Hitting Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what my mother said to me in moments of anger personally and to believe that if she said those things to me about me, than THAT must be who I was, instead of seeing and realizing she was just venting her bottled up energy on me because I was the only one around with whom she felt 'comfortable' 'letting it all out'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when those moments of anger and frustration built up with my mother, believe that she did not love me such as the mothers from fairy tales books who seemed all so loving and nice and not bitchy and wild like my mother was, failing to see that the fairy tales mothers are just that, fairy tales, designed to make us feel victimized and 'not good enough' while the truth of this world is that most mothers are maladjusted as they juggle many roles with no clue about raising children and how they are in fact impacting their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, after the blow up episodes with my mother, retreat into my mind, thinking up ALL the ways she should have/could have behaved if she DID love me, confirming to myself that I was not in fact loved and using this information to build up Spitefulness in and as me, together with a Character that has Imaginary lists of "Requirements' to be fulfilled as a proof of rock solid Love, according to fairy tales and storytelling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a result of my beliefs that there is 'a right way to love' set Con-ditions to my relationships that had to be fulfilled, because I could not do anything for the 'non loving' attitude of my mother, which was my own definition of her as unfulfilling the 'imaginary requirements' I had set for a 'Loving Mother', but I could for sure set conditions to my relationships and every time they would not be fulfilled I would just walk away, because by then, I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself about the point that my mum did not care about me because I deliberately defined 'caring' as in 'doing something for me' to fulfill ideas and opinions I had already built up about mothers who had to 'sacrifice' for their children and since she wasn't doing enough sacrificing for me to prove her worthy motherhood, I felt entitled to my belief that she was not caring about me so I would build up credits to cash in later by making her feel bad about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, entertain the thought that 'as soon as I could I would leave', because this secret though became a foundation of my personality and how I lived out my relationships, always with a foot in and a foot out, collecting credits until I felt entitled to start my 'I'm leaving' plots first inside of myself and then speak them out loud, leaving the other person in the relationship always insecure, forcing them to then do the things I wanted them to do or say the things I wanted to hear to confirm my value as a Character, a value from which I separated myself seeking for value and Worth outside instead of standing and living as Self Value and self Worth as mySelf, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the crap that I had to do things, attain landmarks, make something of me, failing to see that in the making I separated myself from me as who I am, wanting to be something else, desiring to be more, accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was Not Good enough, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, define my mother as Evil and Cruel, projecting on her my own Self Judgement of myself as Evil and Cruel because I did not seem to have the filters everyone had about themselves and the workings of my devious Mind were quite blatant and easily visible and since I could not deal or handle, or that was what I believed at the time, the Evil workings of my secret Mind, I projected my own self judgement of myself on others, making them the bad ones and myself, at worse, the retaliat-or, a retaliation to which I told myself I was entitled because 'I was NOT the one who started this"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred, become hatred as I built up my reasons why my hatred was in fact justified, instead of seeing and realizing I lived my own Self Hatred as Who I am and then looked for reasons and people I could discharge it on so I wouldn't have to look at how and why I was experiencing myself in and as self hatred, because that would have been the admission that there was in fact something wrong and faulty with me as The Mind but I suppressed it because I did not have the tools to deal with such experience of myself and for believing I was the Hatred I felt and for projecting it on others I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reason why I believed I hated my mum was because, due to taking things she said and did personally, I experienced self hatred as my own unworthiness and uselessness and I experienced myself as 'not being enough/not good enough' to bring balance to this family and my mum, not being a good enough reason for joy or the gratefulness that books about mothers said that mothers experienced in the presence of their children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to this experience of self hatred that I harbored inside of myself as myself and for abusing myself with emotions and feelings, living on a swing from which I did not know how to get off, wishing for a 'happy life' while I lived a miserable one, preparing the road for myself to seek solutions for this perceived encagement onto a swing that ended up in later on abusing myself with mind altering substances, seeking the relief from my own self created experience as I did not know how to support myself effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the starting point of Fear that I was useless in bringing on the 'hahpy Family' of 'Happy days' and I was in fact a burden, to think within my secret mind that I did not need my mum or anyone for that matter, as I feared rejection and the moment in which I would be told 'you are useless, look, you did not help at all to turn this into a happy/Happy days family, go away, go to the boarding house, we return you to the sender' and as such I would build this armour affirming that it was ME not needing HER and then THEM later on, which was not an affirmation of stability as in 'I am enough to myself' but based in fear and terror that they would get rid of me and unless I was prepared I would just break in pieces and would never be able to put myself back together again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up Spitefulness as me, as a result of my own self inflicted suffering that I blamed on others, desiring to inflict the same suffering I experienced, hoping that removing myself from a relationship would cause the same fear and suffering that I experienced in and as myself, justifying my spitefulness as 'natural' because it was natural and human nature to desire to retort and retaliate, as I saw my family do to each other and the justifications we lived in and as such as 'she did this because he/she did that', meaning that it was OK and perfectly normal to 'get back at someone' instead of seeing that this was our sick nature we accepted and allowed and turned into 'the way things are, the normality of our insanity', failing to see that whatever we do we do to ourselves, both the experience we create and the retaliation, which in fact qualifies us for doubly insane, and yet within all the signs of our insanity I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ' this is the way things are' and within the way things are, seek for my place in the world using whatever I learnt to position myself, no matter how damaging or the price I or others would have to pay for it, and for this I forgive myself 

to be continued...

Related articles

• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 165: On the take
• Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful?
• Day 112: Delving Into Acceptance Issues
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Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers

A prime number is a lonely thing.

It can only be divided by itself or by one, and it never truly fits with another. Paolo Giordano

This is from an Italian book whose title immediately resonated with me, I have not read it bar from this excerpt which just made me react as much as the title.

Solitude is a theme in my life, I guess that when we define ourselves as loners it is to just bring up 'the good side of it' and the inherent understanding of the choice, a loner chooses to be alone is not a left over or left behind or unwanted, no, it's deciding to not socialize, to not have relationships, to not cultivate friendships any longer, but is this true?

I was born an only child, due to circumstances I spent a lot of time alone apart from the imposed social activities such as kindergarten and school. My mum used to say to me to go down and play with the other kids either in the courtyard or in church, where there was some space for kids to get together and do social stuff, like playing or sitting together chatting and telling stories

My experience of my mum wanting me to go out and play was not something I enjoyed, it always had a bitter taste as I believed she desired to cut some space for herself, it was not about me, reinforcing the point that I had not been a wanted child and that she enjoyed herself more when I was not around.

So the point of being 'pushed ' to go and mingle left me with the experience of reject and not with the sense that there was in fact anything interesting for me to do out there, I had the sense that I was asked to socialize to prove that I was 'normal' such as in 'like the other kids' so that my mum would feel good about herself and what she was doing 'right' to raise me a dependent human being just like everyone else.

I started to briefly enjoy socializing when I realized I was a natural leader, even when I did not try to be one, I would soon or later have followers, for sure as a kid this could have been due to being the wealthiest family in a poor neighborhood but it happened in school as well, where no one knew how wealthy the other was so as we all wore the same uniforms, there was this point of enjoying leadership and then fearing it, I was pretty clear that I did not know what the fuck was I doing or where I was going with my life, having followers to nowhere was scary and risky as well, once we would all fail to arrive at the imaginary destination they had believed I could lead them to, what would happen then, major loss of face for sure.

In time as I developed my main relationship with Pot as a friend, lover, and the centre of my life, this desire for loneliness increased. Every time I was faced with a chance for a relationship I would get almost sick with worry about how I was going to share the space, what would I have to give up of my insane unstructured life, how did a 'normal 'life looked like? My idea of normality ended with 'Happy Days' that would be how I imagined normality to be, a loving family, nothing to be desired, friends and a structure that was set up by parents that I would have copied and made mine, which was not my case.

This desire for structure and non structure was the result of feeling oppressed in my family, all eyes on me as the only child, the prime number, everyone wanted to put in their 2 cents about life and how to best succeed in it, obviously, on principle, since they all seemed raving mad, I discarded any advise or perception of structure for myself, from education to living arrangements.

Interestingly I have always functioned better within a structure, I even thought maybe I should enroll in the Army at one point, be FORCED to structure up, not that I was not able to, because in fact when I set my mind to it I could make my time and life easier and more rewarding for myself and my management and organization skills were pretty exceptional, I just didn't want to, I didn't want to join in the madness and I was not sure how everyone had gotten themselves there, so, just in case, I would draw for myself an unstructured rebellious lifestyle, I would do anything I wanted whenever I wanted, bar the time I had to put into the system for money.

Hence relationships became a burden, a moment of facing the unstructuredness of myself as shame as not being effective as having not designed for myself a life that would draw from my potential what would have been best for me and best for all, but a fuzzy living, with fuzzy focuses and the desire to never be confronted about it.

There is an issue about Fear of Loss as well, people fight and they are no longer friends, couples divorce and the love story ends, people die, dogs die, everything ends, it is a big commitment t put anything into something so uncertain that is bound to finish/end and leave a great huge unmendable hole, honestly what for?

And the extensive effort to make it work, much ado about nothing, what a great idea, let's NEVER do that, let's prevent this business of forming relationships, I don't need to, I don't need anyone, I don't care if I miss out on a few fleeting moments of joy, that too shall pass and with each relationship I become less, there is less of me as I mold myself to fit in, to make it work, to round the corners of myself so as to not bump into each other and create harm, I knew I had internalized some of the moments in which I saw my mum going for the words or the slapping that would hurt or harm me, or desiring to, I saw the demonic face of humanity in my family, in my own mother, those memories existed within me, laced with fear and hatred, I was not sure where they were stored or if they were no longer there, if that was NOT who I was, what if I was THAT? Because for sure my mum did not WANT to be like that, no one wants to be BAD and unleash their Demons on themselves and others, what if we could NOT prevent it, how to stop that, how to change that, what if I was the apple of the Demonic Tree?

And so the solitude and the desire for solitude began. And the Loner Character took shape.

I will apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on the Loner Character tomorrow



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