Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a paranoia regarding flood of words and then translated that into a paranoia of communication in fear that one never knows where good words with good intentions land in the mind of another due to my relationship with my mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is a problem with words that cannot be corrected with good intentions but has to be corrected in writing as we redefine them to stand absolute as a point of stability within our communication with ourselves and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when not enough communication is going on to clear all the doubts that come up in my mind, to immediately move into a paranoid state in which I look for the 'real' reasons for the missing communication as if communication was a duty to be carried out only on the other side of the equation and not on my side as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to be led by my mind into conjectures and reasoning about lack of communication to justify why it is not up to me to do the work of communicating and why I am entitled to my mind errands as I work out the hidden reasons for the lack of communication vs asking and clarifying the points with another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no sound reason for what I do within my mind when I go and seek for reasons to explain to myself why communication is not happening as those are just excuses I seek to not have to take the responsibility of communicating with another because I accepted and allowed myself to hang on to previous experiences of 'communication gone wrong' with my mother and then turned my past experiences into my guide for all future communications and the reason why I should not engage in it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when having doubts about a point I have not communicated about, go and seek for reasons of my wrongdoing as I repeat the patterns that I learnt in my life with my mother where she would ask me to go to my room and 'think abut what I did wrong' which was mainly her own paranoia projected on me and then I took the habit to immediately move to seek for 'what did I do wrong' when communication with another is not taking place effectively because I assumed everyone must have the same behavioral glitches I saw in my family and that when communication is not taking place it's my fault because I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame another when communication is not taking place effectively, because now I am an adult and hence I have gained the right to occupy my mother's position to tell another 'go to your room and think about it' to work out why I am not effectively communicating, blaming on them why my communication is not taking place as a 'payback' for something they did wrong or did not do, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have a choice about repeating patterns as I can self correct and rewrite for myself how I will behave in-stead and not in the image and likeness of someone who did not know better than passing on their own glitches to me in a copy and paste fashion

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the words 'we have to talk' which extend to meetings, gatherings, getting together of people who 'want to talk' when the talking has not so far proven effective in my life but mostly unpleasant when not just a waste of time and within this for accepting and allowing myself to associate the need of others to communicate about a point to something boring, grievous, unpleasant and for dismissing it as unnecessary instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that it is because I have not overcome the experience of words as weapons that I rather abstain, refrain and hope that everything works out by itself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope that things can work out by themselves relative to communicating with another when in fact I have no physical experience of ever resolving anything by letting time go by, or by pretending everything was just fine instead of standing and directing the point to a solution that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of unpleasant talks that I could not escape within my family and for then labeling all potential talks as unpleasant and for believing I had the right to assert my non compliance finally as an adult with the unpleasantness of a required talk, chat, attempt at communicating, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my own labeling of communication as unpleasant that generated resistance within me every time a point relative to communication was approached and never communication per se

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern that goes from lack of communication -frustration - blame - desire for retaliation as I copied this design from my family instead of taking responsibility for the starting point of lack of communication without engaging a pattern of behavior in automation vs standing and directing the point in self responsibility

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish those that fail in their communication with me without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am perpetrating an ineffective pattern of behavior that is not best for all and that it is my responsibility to correct myself to not allow myself to do to others what was done to me and I did not like at all


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shield myself from words, my own and others, in fear that words may harm, hurt, may make a situation that was hanging on a thread precipitate beyond the possibility to fix it and within this for giving up on words in separation from myself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could correct them, I could dis-harm them and return them to be one and equal to myself as self expression


When and as I see myself starting to go off in my mind wondering why someone is not communicating with me effectively, I stop, breathe, bring this point back to myself and see how I can improve communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself looking for conspiracy theory reasons why another is not communicating effectively with me, I stop, breathe, bring this pattern back to myself and move myself physically to correct the point of communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself seeking to evade a conversation, a discussion, a meeting, a chat, an interview in fear that I will be flooded with words, with their redundancy, with their never ending loops, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is a fear I have created that I can correct by moving myself in and as breath instead than moving myself in and as the mind within justifications and excuses to why I am entitled to bail out from a chance to communicate with another/others

When and as I see myself walking the pattern of desiring isolation to stop the flooding of words into my life, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I perceive words as invasive because I have separated myself from them in an attempt to not take responsibility for all the harmful words I have spoken against another/others and within this I remind myself that I stand forgiven as I have forgiven myself for my past participation in and as words and that I have to in fact express myself and use words as me to change the pattern in the physical and leave behind who I have been within words for good


I commit myself to explore all the aspects of my resistance to communication and to words and to stand one and equal to my words to no longer create the illusion of separation between me and my words

I commit myself to let go of my past misuse of words as I see, realize and understand that I cannot move forward until I chain myself to my past with and as words and that it is my response-ability to reprogram myself into an effective communicator and a patient listener within words as me as self expression

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to indulge in the paranoia of the whys and hows but to check in the physical with another about what was the meaning of what they tried to convey or why have they not been in touch and communicating as to not allow myself to create needless backchat in my mind

I commit myself to self responsibility around the point of communication

Related articles

• Day 351: Intimate Relationships - The Dwelling of My Paranoia
• Day 427 Twisting and Turning Words
• 108 - the perception of adulthood
• Day 329: Just-ified DisAgreements as Cover Ups for Pettiness and Spitefulness

Day 236: Self Destruction is NOT Such a Pretty Little Thing

This is a follow up to my post Self Destruct Program - What if you Survive It.

When and as I see myself moving or starting to move into a sense of boredom, uselessness, impatience and any other emotion I have identified as triggers to my Self Destruct Programs, I stop, Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, bring myself back here in and as the Physical into and as stability

When and as I see myself desiring to engage triggers that I know will lead me to activate my Self destruct Character, I stop, breathe, check what is happening inside of me that makes me desire to move into Self destruction and if I can, write down what I am experiencing to release myself from the energetic movement, and if I cannot I stick to Breathe until I am able to write down my experience and apply self forgiveness

When and as I see myself imagining or moving into imagining how much better a Self destructive activity/habit would  be to anything that I am doing in the moment, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to wander off into imagining things that aren't real and that I have proved to myself only carry an imaginary 'energetic reward', instead I push myself to remain here in and as breath until I have breathed through my desire to get off on my imagination to not be Here but off in and as my Mind

When and as I see myself wandering off  or about to wander off in my Mind through Mine Fields of thoughts that I know will lead me to this experience of myself as not enough, as if something should be added to it such as food or sweets, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I know where those thoughts lead to and that I have no need to go and check them out and push myself to stabilize myself through breath instead of suppressing myself through one of my self destructive habits

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into memories of my past failures concerning changing habits, I stop, breathe as I see realize and understand that what I have lived is not who I am and that what I lived cannot define who I am unless I give my power as directive principle away to my mind and I commit myself to not give my power away to memories of my past failures no matter how specific they seem to be to the moment I am facing

When and as I see myself reacting to my friends with chronic illnesses as I pull up the belief that it should have been me, I stop, breathe, forgive myself for desiring to punish myself for how I have lived and keep doing so until I no longer resonate with this desire for suffering and self destruction

When and as I see myself  doubting my ability to change, I stop, breathe, make the self directive decision to not accept the doubt that I can change in and as me just because I participated in this doubt and then in the con-vinction that people don't change in the past, as I See, realize and understand that the past is past and cannot define me as I stand as self directive principle to change myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself attempting to move into any of the above behavior, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that, since I already know the outcome, I am attempting to find an excuse to go back to what I find familiar, as in a family legacy, see realize and understand that a legacy is a tie to myself as a Character that I no longer want to participate in, and that I have the power to step out of it through a process of accumulation of Not participating in any of the triggers leading to Self Destruction.

I commit myself to keep writing about Habits and the desire to engage them until I stand clear in and as The Change that I am scripting for myself.

Related articles

• Day 235: Self Destruct Program - What if You survive It?
• Day 234: Who is Screwing with my Memories?
• Day 127 - I Cannot Hide From Myself
• Day 81: Mind - your Weapons of Mass Destruction
• Day 252: Learned Helplessness Character - The Violent Power of Powerlessness

Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest

One Day I'll Fly Away


Physical Reactions

• Stomach tightening
• Chest tightening
• Feeling constricted in breath
• Heat in my face and ears

Consequences

• Emotional build up
• Toxic relationship build up that as it became heavier I no longer knew how to address
• Overactive Mind activity
• No trust in others as I didn't trust myself for my extensive back chat against my mother even though on the outside I 'looked normal'
• Not wanting to get close to anyone for real because if my mother had a desire to hurt and harm me, what about strangers, how could I ever trust anybody for real?
• Fear of relationships and commitments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through accessing my 'I don't Need Anybody' Character to go into physical reactions such as stomach and chest tightening, accepting and allowing my breath to become constricted, perceiving the heat rushing up to my face and ears in rage as this Character is born out of Spitefulness and the desire to Harm and for entertaining this Character to the point of Physical discomfort of myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, through pride and the desire to be superior, in fear of being weak and inferior, embody this 'I don't Need Anybody' Character', careless of the Consequences I would have to walk by my own statement that 'I don't Need Anybody' when in fact I was a wreck always needing somebody to prove my worth and my reason and purpose for my existence and for giving up on myself as myself in favour of a Character out of Fear and the desire to retaliate, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I embodied the 'I don't need anybody Character' move into my backchat, feeling authorized by my 'not needing anybody' to build up reasons why I was right and someone else was wrong so I could sustain the point that 'I did not need to need them' as they were wrong-er than me, faulti-er than me, and through this build up of toxic backchat put myself in a position where the possibility to express myself and go back onto my steps to self correct, diminished exponentially, as I wanted because I did not want to have to look at an event, see how I had abused and take it back but wished to blame it on someone else instead, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Consequences for myself  and others to walk as a result of creating, embodying and then believing to be the 'I don't need anybody' Character and for subjecting myself to toxic build up due to my own participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I looked for justifications and excuses about 'Why I REALLY didn't need anybody' create an over active Mind, in search for reasons, faults, mistakes that I could store away for that moment when I would step into this Character and I would be searching for the toxic/dirt file on somebody so I could, apparently, rid myself of them from my mind, never seeing how unsuccessful this all movement was and insisting throughout my life, upping the toxic upload, storing poison that I hoped would one day kill them so I would not have to face the regret for the things I did wrong that I did not know how to correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own backchat, believing THAT THING could not be me, believing it was just a defence mechanism I was entitled to because I was sure everyone else was doing the same, I KNEW my family was as I had gotten slammed with the toxic/dirt files they held against me, and even though I experienced the constant crippling fear of an existence under scrutiny wondering what did I say or do during a day that had been filed up into the secret mind and toxic/dirt archives of my family for future uses, I did the same to others, believing that this game was just about WHO could store more toxic information to win the final battle, not realizing that as I wished to win the final toxic battle I had to accept and allow myself to become the most toxic of them all, and for this I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to a point of such distrust of myself due to my toxic files that I could no longer trust anybody 'out there', while in fact I simply did not trust myself in here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as I perceived her first blow up as a personal attack that mined my safety and since then associating every blow up of anyone to myself personally and to FEAR, moving into adrenaline discharges so wild that I would physically shake as I attacked back, perceiving the damage I was doing to my physical body and yet unwilling to stop because really 'I didn't need anybody' after all and I had to get even! Even at the cost of my physical body being harmed in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I did not trust myself and the inner workings of myself as the Mind, be suspicious of each and every relationship, always wondering what THEY were hiding from me, when in fact it was me hiding from myself stuff that I feared I had stored somewhere and then hid so I would not have to feel the shame of all the skeletons in the closets I filed in perceived 'self defense' turning myself into a cemetery of memories, an archive of horrors from which I feared I would never be able to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Isolation for myself as the Character that 'doesn't need anybody', fearing human interactions and ultimately what I would do as my imaginary 'Contingency Plans' whenever I had a chance, and within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lead a life in which I feared myself and others, One and Equal.



When and as I see myself interacting with someone with whom I have built or I am in the process to build a relationship with and see myself tempted to move into my inner aloofness which activates my inner evil archivist, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer wish to live like a repository of others' 'perceived' mistakes and falls instead I bring myself back here so as to make sure that I won't be filing information in and as my 'Inner Evil Archivist' Character, but instead will be present Here in breath to grow and expand myself and another with me One and Equal through Self Honest, Secret-Agenda-Free interactions

When and as I see myself moving into fear or about to move into fear that a relationship may becoming important, I stop, Breathe, see, realize and understand that I am Equalizing myself to make All relationships of my Life Equally Important as in relationships I care for, and that there is nothing to fear such as loss of the relationship or myself, but instead an opportunity to become intimate with another in Self Honest Shared Presence

When and as I see myself fearing the loss of a relationship or of myself within a relationship, I stop, Breathe, I see realize and understand that only Characters can get lost and only Characters Fear and that if I keep myself coming back to Breathe consistently I can develop the relationship with myself that I have always been seeking and that I can never lose, no matter what

When and as I see myself trying to brush off someone or a situation through my 'I don't need anybody' Character, I realize I have activated a fear as I stepped into this Character, so I breathe through the Fear,  breathe myself out of this Character and I investigate what triggered the fear so I can address the point and brick by brick, dismantle this Character and its useless existence

I commit myself to investigate this point until I no longer wish or desire to step into this Character and to see which triggers still exist so I can address them all to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character
• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements