Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers

A prime number is a lonely thing.

It can only be divided by itself or by one, and it never truly fits with another. Paolo Giordano

This is from an Italian book whose title immediately resonated with me, I have not read it bar from this excerpt which just made me react as much as the title.

Solitude is a theme in my life, I guess that when we define ourselves as loners it is to just bring up 'the good side of it' and the inherent understanding of the choice, a loner chooses to be alone is not a left over or left behind or unwanted, no, it's deciding to not socialize, to not have relationships, to not cultivate friendships any longer, but is this true?

I was born an only child, due to circumstances I spent a lot of time alone apart from the imposed social activities such as kindergarten and school. My mum used to say to me to go down and play with the other kids either in the courtyard or in church, where there was some space for kids to get together and do social stuff, like playing or sitting together chatting and telling stories

My experience of my mum wanting me to go out and play was not something I enjoyed, it always had a bitter taste as I believed she desired to cut some space for herself, it was not about me, reinforcing the point that I had not been a wanted child and that she enjoyed herself more when I was not around.

So the point of being 'pushed ' to go and mingle left me with the experience of reject and not with the sense that there was in fact anything interesting for me to do out there, I had the sense that I was asked to socialize to prove that I was 'normal' such as in 'like the other kids' so that my mum would feel good about herself and what she was doing 'right' to raise me a dependent human being just like everyone else.

I started to briefly enjoy socializing when I realized I was a natural leader, even when I did not try to be one, I would soon or later have followers, for sure as a kid this could have been due to being the wealthiest family in a poor neighborhood but it happened in school as well, where no one knew how wealthy the other was so as we all wore the same uniforms, there was this point of enjoying leadership and then fearing it, I was pretty clear that I did not know what the fuck was I doing or where I was going with my life, having followers to nowhere was scary and risky as well, once we would all fail to arrive at the imaginary destination they had believed I could lead them to, what would happen then, major loss of face for sure.

In time as I developed my main relationship with Pot as a friend, lover, and the centre of my life, this desire for loneliness increased. Every time I was faced with a chance for a relationship I would get almost sick with worry about how I was going to share the space, what would I have to give up of my insane unstructured life, how did a 'normal 'life looked like? My idea of normality ended with 'Happy Days' that would be how I imagined normality to be, a loving family, nothing to be desired, friends and a structure that was set up by parents that I would have copied and made mine, which was not my case.

This desire for structure and non structure was the result of feeling oppressed in my family, all eyes on me as the only child, the prime number, everyone wanted to put in their 2 cents about life and how to best succeed in it, obviously, on principle, since they all seemed raving mad, I discarded any advise or perception of structure for myself, from education to living arrangements.

Interestingly I have always functioned better within a structure, I even thought maybe I should enroll in the Army at one point, be FORCED to structure up, not that I was not able to, because in fact when I set my mind to it I could make my time and life easier and more rewarding for myself and my management and organization skills were pretty exceptional, I just didn't want to, I didn't want to join in the madness and I was not sure how everyone had gotten themselves there, so, just in case, I would draw for myself an unstructured rebellious lifestyle, I would do anything I wanted whenever I wanted, bar the time I had to put into the system for money.

Hence relationships became a burden, a moment of facing the unstructuredness of myself as shame as not being effective as having not designed for myself a life that would draw from my potential what would have been best for me and best for all, but a fuzzy living, with fuzzy focuses and the desire to never be confronted about it.

There is an issue about Fear of Loss as well, people fight and they are no longer friends, couples divorce and the love story ends, people die, dogs die, everything ends, it is a big commitment t put anything into something so uncertain that is bound to finish/end and leave a great huge unmendable hole, honestly what for?

And the extensive effort to make it work, much ado about nothing, what a great idea, let's NEVER do that, let's prevent this business of forming relationships, I don't need to, I don't need anyone, I don't care if I miss out on a few fleeting moments of joy, that too shall pass and with each relationship I become less, there is less of me as I mold myself to fit in, to make it work, to round the corners of myself so as to not bump into each other and create harm, I knew I had internalized some of the moments in which I saw my mum going for the words or the slapping that would hurt or harm me, or desiring to, I saw the demonic face of humanity in my family, in my own mother, those memories existed within me, laced with fear and hatred, I was not sure where they were stored or if they were no longer there, if that was NOT who I was, what if I was THAT? Because for sure my mum did not WANT to be like that, no one wants to be BAD and unleash their Demons on themselves and others, what if we could NOT prevent it, how to stop that, how to change that, what if I was the apple of the Demonic Tree?

And so the solitude and the desire for solitude began. And the Loner Character took shape.

I will apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on the Loner Character tomorrow

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