Sunday, October 28, 2012

Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away

Scared child

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest

Imagination Dimension

Me having Money to be able to leave
Me already grown up and living alone
Emotion and Feelings Reactions
Emotions of Anger/Rage
Overwhelming Sadness, Pain
Suppression of the sadness and rage so as to not give her 'the satisfaction' of having made me suffer like I perceived she wanted to
Fear I would not be able to suppress with 'dignity' and would expose myself as the hurt longing kid that I really was
Feelings of Relief when playing out the plot of myself 'leaving'
Feelings of Joy connected to the Imagination Dimension of 'living alone'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself having Money and being Able to leave, connecting Money to what I believed Freedom was and the Freedom I perceived I lack to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being Free as having Money, because as I accepted and allowed such definition in and as me, when I have no Money I perceive myself as Not Free and for tying myself down and constricting myself in and as an idea I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through Imagination to design an alternate reality in which I was already grown up and out of my mother's claws and within this Imagined Reality I had the Life I wanted which at the time was simply 'away from my mother'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my Imagination as a form of Spite, during which I would create Imaginary circumstances that I used to hold against my mother with thoughts such as 'You'll see, You'll miss me one day', not seeing realizing and understanding I was creating a Character of Spite that would always enact the same script when I would feel challenged or when I would take something someone said about me personally and then, unable to live with what I believed to be the reflection of me for real and not a projection of who made up ideas and beliefs about me and then voiced them as 'You are', and for my believing that I either was that or that I myself feared to be that, perceiving my space now contaminated by those words that had been spoken about me and desired to leave, erase my steps and leave everything behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel rage and sadness when I feared that I was not wanted, not appreciated and in fear of showing this rage and sadness in a moment when my "stock" was already at its lowest, to suppress myself and decide that I would never show this as further ammunition to be shot with, I would suppress, failing to see I was the one making up judgements about myself as unwanted and unappreciated through taking things people spoke about me personally, seeking what was 'the real meaning' behind the words they used, since I got it early, that words never meant what they appeared to mean, and in this seeking, I would look for the negative slant, as this was a family heirloom we passed on to each other, seeking the Achilles heel in any speech, building up ammo for when the wars will break out without notice, staying alert, awake, and through the perception that my mother shot me in the heart several times already, blaming the hurt I felt on her, I resolved to never trust anybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never trust anybody because I did not trust myself and what I was willing to do to not lose out, to come out on top so I wouldn't have to experience myself 'negatively' but have someone else the loser of the verbal wars and have to experience themselves negatively while I could experience myself positively as in 'I am/was right'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own expression of sadness and rage, judging myself as unlikeable, trying to align to what was the likable side everyone seemed to be after, the monkey jumping number I was required to do every day that would ensure my survival within the system and everyone around me to be just happy with the circumstances and with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of myself on a bus with my stepgrandma, in which I saw myself deliberately use the 'baby talk' because that's about when she stopped liking children, when they spoke normally, like adults, and since I noticed how she preferred children who were still children in their talk -to me- while my mother taught me to speak proper Italian as a child and not gluglu for water, I instead decided that her approval and acceptance of me was more important than me being me and not resulting into diminishing myself into the garbled idiotic language we teach to children to amuse ourselves, and in that moment I felt sorrow, for myself, for my unauthenticity failing to realize that the more I complied to what I perceived were the system, relatives requirements 'to like me' the further I moved away from myself and my own self acceptance and self expression until I believed that the acceptance of others was more important than the unconditional acceptance of me, Here in every moment of Breath, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in fear of exposing myself as a hurt kid, fearing that if anyone understood exactly how to hurt me, they would do so deliberately, as this was a family pattern in which we sought WHAT would really annoy someone and then go for it and so the trick was to not let ANYONE know what bothered me or what really hurt me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could be hurt just because I believed I read the intention to hurt and harm into the words of people around me, when in fact what I read was my own desire to hurt and harm others through words spoken aloud or in my secret mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word dignity to suppression, meaning that I could only access my own dignity if no one EVER knew what was going on inside of me, which was less than dignified, such as thoughts, emotions and feelings and as such, move into suppression seeking dignity for myself instead of stopping my participation in and as the Mind which was in fact the Undignified part of my existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would find relief from myself and from how I experienced myself once I moved away from home and my mother's claws, based on my imagination of that moment in which I would be alone and as such not stimulated into reactions of any sort and as such FINE, instead of questioning why I had reactions within me that I blamed on others just because they blamed their reactions on me and within that failing to see that I would take me and my own reactions and triggers wherever I went in the world and that Imagination never delivered and as such I should have defined it as non trustworthy nor real and stopped my participation in it as a source of distraction from what was going on within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the joy of being free through my Imagination, away from home and my mother, having connected the word freedom to not being prompted into Characters to please or to hide or to suppress, blaming the experience of myself on others as I lacked the tools to see that it was me doing what I ended up experiencing and that the freedom I sought was the freedom from the Mind, the cage I perceived myself living in that I could not understand how it came about and how to manage until I started using the Desteni Tools.

I commit myself to stop using my Imagination to distract myself from an experience of myself, because it is in moments of discomfort that I can see a point of polarity coming up that is causing friction inside of me and release myself from it for good through writing, Sf and SC

I commit myself to remind myself that even though I have accepted and allowed myself to become what I have become through engaging in the Mind and believing the Mind to be me as who I really am, that this is not all I am and that I can move out of my own accepted and allowed definitions of myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings and walk myself to stability as I can redesign myself in every moment of Breath through a process of accumulation, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, One Breath at the time.

Enhanced by Zemanta

No comments:

Post a Comment