So, in my Pursuit of Happiness, one of the Main Roles has been played by Food.
Since I was a kid Food has been given to me as a Reward, as a bribe, as a prize as something to look forward to, so Food has lost its place as Nutrition in my Mind quite early, to be replaced with a 'feeling' first of anticipation and then the 'happy feeling', the achievement of a promise, only to be followed by the down, proportional to the high which in the case of Sugar would be a ride up into Euphoria and a sliding down into Depression.
When I was a kid I had access to unsupervised Money, which I regularly, daily, turned into Sweets at the little Shop run by the Nuns in my School, the Nuns being the second pushers I met in my Life, first being my Family, and wouldn't that be appropriate, they sold us Hell and the bitterness of Life and then the 'Happy Pills', the Pacifiers, the Hope that everything will be fine after All.
The topic of Food as a mean to Happiness is quite extensive for me and I will unfold it in a few Blogs as this is a point I have wished to Not Correct, because I feel there is nothing left for me to live for most of the time and I fear letting go of food as my Source of Happiness.
As I researched for a picture to place here regarding "Happy Foods" I was overwhelmed by images of Happy Food Pictures, the "Happy" labeling of Food is extensive, we have Happy Candies, Happy Treats, Happy Cotton Candy, Happy Halloween Sweets, Happy Mc Meals and when we tried to correct the fuck up we had become about foods how did we do that? With Happy Healthy Foods.
At some level we understand that we won't be able to let go the Happy Foods if not for others Happy Foods, who wants to eat 'sad' healthy carrots and greens, 'depressed' proteins, 'sorrowful' potatoes, so the association of Food with the experience of Happiness, with the Dream of Happiness is so common we don't even see it anymore, all our foods are now 'Happy', now in Italy we have Happy Yogurts, Happy Salads, Happy organic Food, there is so much freaking Happiness in our Foods, it's no wonder there is none left for Humans, we have to eat it, drink it, but most importantly BUY IT.
I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to buy into the Happy Foods idea as a kid because I was sad and I was looking for ways to self medicate
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited about sweet food, because it was given to me as a treat for which I should get excited and I just complied
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look forward to sweet happy foods when spending time with my grandparents as a way to spite my mum who was stricter on food both for health and because we did not have money to waste on nonsense food, and for developing a spiteful relationship with food as my way to 'go against the system'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stuff myself with sugar to experience the rush of 'well being' as an energetic fix because I did not feel alive as a kid and I sought for ways to 'come alive' no matter at what cost for my physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sugar was giving me life and liveliness instead of realizing sugar turned me spastic and damaged my brain to the point that I had to go on medications for brain inflammation due to overuse/abuse of sugar
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even when sugar gave me terrible crampings and pain, not be willing to let it go because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the if I had given up that little liveliness that I felt, I would no longer exist and would become catatonic like the people of the movies when on Thorazine
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is Bitter and needs to be sweetened up, corrected with Sugar to be acceptable, instead of seeing and realizing it was my participation in and as the Mind and my belief that THAT was all I was that gave me the experience of bitterness, embitterment that I believed to be me as Who I was, from which I tried to escape with copious amounts of sugar
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my extensive use of sugar out of shame because I judged this little secret habit as unbecoming, unladylike and something to hide because if I did come clean about it they would take it from me, forbid me to access it and then I would have to face the embittered reality of me I was participating in and as
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that eating sweets/sugar would make me happy/happier, even though I had eaten a ton of it with no results if not the desire for more, helping out to keep me floating on the sugar high and never have to land on the miserable reality of this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself addicted to sugar and to the belief that if I kept at it maybe the cumulative effect would one day deliver that elusive 'Happy' experience that was shown in the Sugar Pushing Ads, always seeking, chasing that unreachable experience of Happiness, moving from one disappointment to another about Foods that I bought after watching TV and the experiences they promised that were never delivered
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when going for my sugar binges, do it in secret, hiding the fact that as an adult I would still buy 'Happy Colas' by the truckloads, associating every 'Happy' Sugar/Candy name to a chance, a possibility that I may get Happy if I kept going, maybe another pack will do, maybe this time it will work, maybe if I eat them slower, faster, in a whole fistful, bite them in half, don't bite them in half, trying all possible combinations BAR facing the point that there is NO HAPPINESS in Sugar or in any other Food and that the seeking of Happiness as my Right to be Happy as the Self Interest of an experience that would only take place in my head first and then in my body through insulin and adrenaline release that I identified as a Life worth living, because I could not see any other worth or value in Life except the artificial one I managed to inject into it through whatever 'promised' the happiness I sought
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Life was sad and not worth living because I did not see myself having access to everything that was available in this world but only to a limited amount of it, defined by Money, within a system that we created for Exclusivity, to make sure some would get it All and some would be 'excluded' from the good experiences of Life that could then be prompted to BUY for themselves having accepted and allowed the belief that UnHappy lives were not worth living
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hoard candies and hide them because I could not share my medications with other kids, as I wanted to have more, to be more, to be More Happy and as such, More Worthy, More valuable, with a Life More MeaningFull, Sweeter and if the other kids would have to be sad and bitter, better them than me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be more than other kids, happier, with a sweeter life, more meaningFull, which is what we do all the way into AdultHood, changing sweets for gadgets, homes, cars, food, to separate ourselves from the rest of the world, hoping to leave the embittered reality of this Existence behind, to someone else, instead of standing for a Solution that would benefit All equally, to erase this bitterness from existence once and for All, creating a system where Life is Equally Sweet for All Living beings and no one needs any Happy Pills to make the medicine, as the truth of what this World has turned into, go down
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and desire Happiness only for myself because it seemed there was not Enough Happiness in this world to go around, to share Equally and so we would have to embrace each individual Pursuit of happiness stepping on the heads of the ones lower on this World Ladder to make sure we got where we wanted to be, to the Happy Places of existence, without considering how to build Existence into a Happy Place for All, Equal and One.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is not enough of anything to go around and be shared Equally, having realized that some were born Poor, with less access than me to the Goodies of the World, being glad about it because until there is someone standing below us, we can call ourselves Lucky and feel good about ourselves and for not standing up for a Solution that would embrace All and Create a Dignified Life for All, Equal and One, I For-Give myself.