Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Day 184: Don't Call My Name In Vain

So, looking at my name and what my Name carries in terms of energetics, memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When I was a kid I didn't like my name it was too long and people would end up cutting it, which I was pleased about, half of it seemes useless anyway, why so many vowels, why a name that is longer than my surname, it didn't seem right.

There were other things 'wrong' with my name that I noticed.

I am not sure that I was born this way, wih a sense of simmetry and of 'where things belong' in a space, because things don't belong just anywhere, they belong in a specific place in space, we just need to find it, put them there and never move them again, the fact that others didn't see the 'place of things' as almost marked with dotted lines seemes very strange to me, why were they not paying attention??

The same was for my name, it had 2 vowels, one next to the other


this was not right, every consonant should have just a vowel next to it, that would be balance in my imaginary rules of the world of sound.

2 vowels next to each other have a name, they are called diphthongs, but it's not the case of the ones in my name, as in "a gliding monosyllabic speech sound as the sounds of “ou” in “out” and of “oy” in “boy”, my 2 vowels did not 'glide into each other, you could hear them both "e+o".

When I was in primary school and the teacher explained gender, she told us that masculine words ended with 'o' in the singular and 'i' in the plural. I sat there in shock, I  had 2 masculine vowels in my name, how was THAT possible? I checked out all the other girls names: Anna, Valentina, Maria, Cinzia, Carmen..ah there, Roberta, but she had only 1 'o', she was less masculine than me, is it?

Why was I not given a feminine name, a more common name not a "Special One', I felt I did not fit my name, I was too small for this name long, full of vowels name, for the expectations this name carried, I had to literally grow into it to fit it to myself and stop feeling awkward about it

When I went home and complained and asked for explanations, my mum said I didn't understand anything, it was a regal name, a Noble name, there had been Princesses and Queen with my name. Were there?

I went and checked it out, nope, the Queen and Noble ones were called Eleanor, only one 'o' check it up dear mum, the Italian ones were less known, I discovered them later (like 5 minutes ago when I looked it up, because at my times we did not have Internet but just access to libraries and school books) so basically I created this Fear of having been given an 'unfeminine' name' which could explain why I balanced out the act for the rest of my life with a very very feminine personality.

The peple who called me by my full name were only my grandparents, on all sides, teachers, anyone in a position of authority that would read my documents and my mother when she was angry.

She would stress the middle "o" EleOnora and that intonation alone would catapult me in a self created state of anxiety in which I would immediately move into my Mind walking back the time from when I last saw her, checking for what could I have possibly done that prompted the EleOnora call hoping that if I could find the incriminating bit I could make up a story in my defence, come on, THINK THINK!!

So, within me my name exists in 2 versions, the full version, linked to Authority and Authoritarian moments in my life and as soon as it is spoken that way I move into defence mode and then the short version, Ele, Ellie, Ely, whatever, just take the freaking scary Os out of it, so I can relax and breathe.

In next blog I will walk the self forgiveness and self corrective Script to release all the energetic ties that link me to it into automatic reaction Mode to my Birth name.

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