Day 271: Facing sharing the Tool of Self Forgiveness

I have not been able to share Self Forgiveness in Italian comfortably so far. I imagine people laughing and then gossiping about me as someone who belongs in the nut house.

Self forgiveness is linked to Forgiveness for me in Italian, a religious tool, Images of nuns and priests come up, of hell and crucifixion, of wrongdoings and fanatic stances of the religious people like Savonarola.

Religion never seemed sane, preaching one thing and doing another, so fear of inconsistency, of myself not being an example 'good enough' to even talk about it.

And it brings up a fear, like it is something not to be shared, even though I benefited a lot from using it to release my energetic ties, it's best left 'unspoken' so I will unfold this point both in English and in Italian in this post.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist sharing self forgiveness out of the fear of being judged as a nutcase


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that self forgiveness could be preached only by Holy People and since I am unholy I can't talk about it


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link self forgiveness and preaching into one word

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that self forgiveness should be taught by those who live a life of renunciation like St. Francis of Assisi and not by common humans who have no business in 'religious practices'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link 'self forgiveness' to religion because forgiveness is a religious practice and only religious people do it and I am not religious

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the contamination of the word -for-giveness was deliberate to make sure we would not be able to find the way out of the energetic loops we weaved for ourselves and for not pushing myself to break this conditioning and release myself from this religious baggage relative to the word 'forgiveness' -I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced today with a point where clearly a lady needed to learn this tool to stop herself from running wild within her mind, to react, and blame her for repeating the same old same old patterns that lead her to depression, instead of breathing and realizing she has no tool to stop herself, unless I share what I myself realized about how to stop a pattern of behavior/energy


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare this lady today about what kind of future is waiting for her if she doesn't stop 'that thing she does' which brings hell to herself and those around her, instead of breathing and seeing that there is never a good reason to scare someone into doing/not doing something, whatever points I can find to defend, I am in fact adding up to their own fears which constitute the building blocks of their mind loops and not supporting in any way



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be part of the problem by projecting fears of possible future events vs being part of the solution by sharing self forgiveness and supporting another as myself to stop energetic patterns as their imprisonment and the hellish life they are currently experiencing

Mi perdono per avere accettato e consentito a me stessa di avere paura di condividere 'il perdono di se stessi' perche' ho accettato e consentito a me stessa di credere che solo le persone religiose possono parlare di perdono e che non e' una cosa da condividere con altri

Mi perdono di avere accettato e consentito a me stessa di reagire con A. e di dirle tutto quello che ho detto partendo da una reazione, invece di respirare, rendere me stessa stabile e presente e poi scegliere le parole che avrei potuto dire che lei avrebbe potuto sentire, senza spaventarla

Mi perdono di avere accettato e consentito a me stessa di credere che ci sono buone ragioni per spaventare qualcuno per farlo uscire da un pattern, quando infatti e' la somma delle sue paure che la/lo tiene bloccata/o all'interno di un cerchio che continua a ripetersi senza uscita

Mi perdono per avere accettato e consentito a me stessa di resistere la condivisione del 'perdono di se' stessi' con la scusa che non avrebbe sentito/capito quello che volevo dire e che avrebbe potuto pensare che sono matta invece di realizzare che avevo paura di condividere questo strumento perche' ho permesso e consentito a me stessa di legare la parola 'perdono' alla religione, agli errori, all'inferno, alla crocefissione, a Suor Chiarina in piedi sulla cattedra che spiegava come hanno crocefisso Gesu', invece di realizzare che la parola perdono e' stata deliberatamente imbastardita dalla religione che l'ha strumentalizzata per se' e i propri scopi

Mi perdono per avere accettato e consentito a me stessa di non realizzare che la parola 'perdono' e' stata deliberatemente investita di un bagaglio religioso per allontanarla dall'uso della persona comune, per creare un senso di disagio che assicurasse che nessuno trovasse la strada fuori da questa esistenza delirante di pensieri, emozioni e sentimenti = energia

Mi perdono per avere accettato e consentito a me stessa di, quando ho condiviso questo strumento a supporto di qualcuno che non e' parte della mia famiglia, di sentire una gran paura e di credere che questa paura fosse giustificata perche' proietto sugli altri dei buoni motivi quale causa delle mie paure, invece di realizzare che le mie paure sono una mia creazione e che gli altri non hanno nulla a che vedere con come io percepisco me stessa

Mi perdono di avere accettato e consentito a me stessa di credere che la parola perdono non possa esistere fuori da club/associazioni religiosi, e che usare una parola come perdono mi rende uguale ai gruppi come CL, ai boy scout, al catechismo, a gruppi che in passato ho giudicato come noiosi e non interessanti e che ora temo possano essere associati a me insieme al giudizio che ho espresso su di loro, per il quale mi perdono

Desteni - Learn about Self Forgiveness here - Impara a perdonare te Stesso Qui.

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Day 255: Fear & Desire of Attention from Men

A few weeks ago as I was walking to school in my neighborhood I passed by a man and he looked at me straight in the eyes and said 'wow, you are so beautiful', he was on the phone, I was early and he put his call on hold to ask me why he had never seen me before and if I was from the area. Since he was a foreigner close to the school that was still closed I said I was going to school and I asked him if he was going to school too, he said yes and I said 'I'll see you there then' and walked away.

When I met him on my second walking round of the neighborhood while waiting for the school to open he stopped me to ask me more information, my heart jumped in my throat and I didn't know what to say when 'out of character' and ended up saying the stupidest thing which was basically 'look I am the teacher and you are a student so keep your place' to which he looked at me widening his eyes and said 'I didn't say anything offensive, just that you are beautiful' but by then I had picked up speed in my nonsense reply and held my ground with 'whatever, it's a matter of roles', a point I myself couldn't even comment on because I was too ashamed and walked away pretending it didn't even happen.

I reacted with pleasure the first round when everything was 'still under control' and fear on the second meeting, I breathed through them both flagging the point to write about it later and then I didn't.

So far I have not received any attention from my students to trigger this Character into action, but last night during class, I noticed a guy -that a couple of weeks ago kept looking at my ass every time I went to write on the board but it didn't make me react-, his interest became more palpable and he made efforts to follow the lesson without disturbing, out of character for him as he was written on the registry as 'a disturbing element', which he most certainly was as he played with his phone and smsed most of the -past- class.

When I go to school I wear make up, I have not yet overcome completely the habit of believing that I am unpresentable and 'out of order' without it, I just make up my eyes not a theatre kind of make up, just a city kind of make up, as I said 'to be presentable' and a bit less weird than I feel for not being aligned to fashion and what is required of an 'Italian woman in public', make up is taught as part of 'personal hygiene' for the brain damaged women of the West, it seems like we have not washed without it and we would be exposed to the public reproach if we didn't comply.


So last night when he was looking to lock my eyes, I went through the reaction first for having made up and then I skipped the pleasurable part altogether and moved straight into fear when he started to make flirty jokes.

I am not 100% sure of the reason for this fear and if I always had it but did not notice because I used to wear my flirty character and always had a clever come back to put men back in their place or to encourage them elegantly if I was interested, and since I joined Desteni and I set aside all relationships with males, specifically because I was a relationship danger to myself and others, this new fear has emerged.



Last night when I said to my class 'ok I will come 1/2 an hour earlier but don't leave me alone here' everyone said fine, sure while he replied "I would never leave you alone', then in these sequence I felt a feeling of fear the fight to suppress it and hide it and then embarrassment, ending in a total loss of control of my emotional experience.


So, how did last night evolve to that point? I don't know, I was very careful to not give anyone any special attention even when he stood up and came to clean the drawing board for me, I did not look at him in any particular misleading way, but as he turned his back I looked at his body from behind and made a mental assessment, I actually saw myself doing that, which I didn't like, I didn't like the result of the assessment either, which was that he had a cool body and he was doable, so maybe I went into embarrassment due to my own internal backchat about him, having taken his cleaning the board for me personally as an 'act of interest' and then feeling obliged to reciprocate the assessment and check where I stood.


I have found myself in some pretty unpleasant consequences in my life due to how I let slide considering all points of a possible physical interaction with men, some consequences I didn't even face, I left them behind for the men to face, in this case I know I would not want to have a fling with a student, another point is how once a man is interested in me, even when I was not interested to start with, his interest in me makes him immediately interesting. Weird.



So I will walk my self forgiveness for my play out with men considering these 2 events.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react with pleasure and a feeling of being 'more' than before the compliment was Paid when I am told 'you are beautiful, sei bella' spoken by a man


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my reaction in self judgement because I am no longer supposed to react, I am above reacting to the compliment of a man and for feeling disappointed at myself I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel at a loss for words when I could not step into the flirty character because I have always and only interacted with men either through disinterest/dismissing them as not attractive or just plain stupid or flirted and I don't know how to interact with a man without wearing a Character/Personality trusting that I can just Self Express without needing to know 'what would be the appropriate thing to say now that I am walking with Desteni in reply to a compliment' which was what I was trying to assess, because when I check in my mind for this feedback, I have only moved away from some of my usual Characters into the Desteni Character which is not fully automatized and as such I saw realized and understood how I desired to play a Character, just the Right kind of Character and not the ones I have judged as bad and abusive, instead of self Expressing beyond ANY Character in the moment in Self trust in and as Breath


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear compliments from men as I fear that I will react with interest, because this is what I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am supposed to do, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I just accepted the belief of those that came before me about relationships between men and women instead of investigating for myself the reason why I should react in any way when someone pays me a compliment and why immediately my interest for them changes as they fulfilled through complimenting me some imaginary requirement for the 'beginning of a potential relationship, be it sexual or emotional' and for accepting compliments as a trigger to my relationship characters/personalities, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire compliments from men as a form of validation of myself as a woman, because a woman should be beautiful to be a woman at all and for then suppressing this desire because I judged it as inappropriate and based on self interest as I wished to be beautiful even if that meant someone had to be ugly by comparison, and for polarizing myself about desire for beauty and fear of ugliness I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the fear rise the first time I met a student in the street, to, instead of breathing thoroughly through the fear and give myself a chance to see what was underneath, to take a self righteous position all the way into 'the teacher role' so I ended up feeling fearful AND ridiculous as I saw what I was doing to try and put this man into a position of inferiority as I feared his compliment may harm me in some ways as in trigger some character/personalities I am aware I have not taken self directive principle over, and for judging myself as ridiculous and then suppressing this whole incident without releasing myself from it, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to diminish another to diminish my own self created fear, instead of addressing the fear at its roots so I would stop fearing another and triggering the desire to diminish him/her in a futile attempt to diminish my fear


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I first discovered that men saying 'nice things' about me would give me a feeling of value and pride, to believe that my value and pride lay in the words I could elicit from a man due to my appearance and for seeking value and pride through the words of another in separation from myself as self worth and self pride, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must wear make up to align with the ideal of beauty of my culture, because I fear being ugly and for believing women with no make up are ugly just because I bought into i-deals I was sold and models of beauty to fit consumerism and the purchase of make up products I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when last night I perceived the interest of one of my student that went out of his way to find the right product to clean the whiteboard for me, to then evaluate him on my mental meat market to see if he was usable, and for seeing myself doing that all the way through assessing his body and how he was moving and not stopping myself with breath to not do to another what I don't want to be done to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he made a joke that 'he would never leave me alone' to feel the activation of my relationship Character and the fear coming up with it as I exposed to myself how much I would like to have a relationship, no matter how deep I have buried this desire and denied its existence so I would not have to face the point that I desire to not be alone even though I fear someone coming into my life and the havoc that a relationship would bring to my still fragile stability and my process of self correction and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a friction inside myself between the desire for the attention of men and the fear of the attention from men and what this could lead to, such as a relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame on men and their being around me, my sense of discomfort as fear that I may be triggered into some personalities I have not yet acquired self directive principle over and that I will be just back at square one, disappointed at myself and perceiving I have not changed, while I in fact have changed and I just have to acknowledge I have not yet come to my 'relationships with men' personalities/characters but step by step, breath by breath I will address those as well until I no longer exists as the fear/desire of being complimented by a man and the fear/desire for a relationship to pacify the fear of being alone for good



I commit myself to use those chances I have now that I am returning to the world to interact with others, to see where and how I need to correct myself regarding 'relationships with men' so I can stand stable in and as breath and not allow myself to be swayed by external event on which I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had no control over

I commit myself to no longer believe that I have no control over my relationship with men and to see realize and understand I can stand in and as self responsibility to change those points as they arise one by one, until I learn to express myself naturally without the need to embody relationships characters or personalities

I commit myself to see realize and understand that everything I am doing to change myself is a process of accumulation and each correction I make to move beyond my self interest to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All accumulates in the kind of person I want to be, standing for what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self

This is a follow up to my Post "You are nobody till somebody loves you", I will walk through Self For-Giveness my return to self from my accepted and allowed beliefs, idea, opinions and experiences that I allowed myself to exist within and that shaped me into the woman I have become:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, when asked if I had a sympathy at school, if there was a boy I liked, if I was interested in anyone, to under-stand and to believe that I was supposed to feel sympathy, like or be interest in someone because it seemed to matter more than who I was and that I would gain worth and value for myself only by following that path

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself as a child to look around for that boy that I could feel sympathy for, like, be interested in, not from the perspective of me but to find that one missing piece that I was supposed to bring to the chats with my grandparents so that I could find that missing worth and fill my not enough-ness with the information they seemed to look for when talking to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, since this topic of boys vs girls grew exasperated by the Catholic environment I was raised in, where we were in mixed classes but were discouraged to play together, to create a desire to cross the line over the forbidden side of the courtyard, ending up being punished for being too adventurous, while I now see and realize I was not being adventurous, I was seeking attention and recognition from the boys because I had already internalized this point of worthlessness as a woman without the attention of a man as myself, and so I was not seeking to spend time with boys to get to know them, but for the value of me, the worth of me as I accepted and allowed myself to believe in this cultural and then family imprinting of women as worthless

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a boy was present, immediately move into a state of agitation, anxiety, as I would stand to wait for signs to decode about him being interested in me, in him finding me someone he wished to spend time with, as those signs were already becoming vital to a 'positive experience of myself' as worthy and for mistaking the shame I felt as shame for desiring the attention of boys, instead of seeing and realizing I was feeling the shame of my compromise for value and worth to be given to me as I had separated from myself as Self value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Self Value and Self Worth and for feeling ashamed about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I grew up, encode inside of myself all the crappy Love songs of my culture as guidelines of what to look for as value within a relationship with a man, without realizing the songs were full of expressions of instability and mental problems such as jealousy, possessiveness, ownership, longing and I turned this codes into who I became and then sought to find those things that I told myself were signs of love within the relationships I built up, and when I couldn't I would move on, not questioning my starting point but believing 'the other' had not given to me the 'right signs' of love and as such his love could not be trusted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when listening to a song, always try to fit into it, to see myself within it and the experiences I could have if it was me the main character of the song, the woman longed for, never forgotten, the source of jealousy and possessiveness and how I would 'feel' about it and deciding that it would feel good, set out to seek the same dramas that my culture defined as 'Love' to live in my own life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would feel if it was me the centre of so much attention, discarding along the way potential partners that did not live up to such great loves imprinted in and as my Mind, when in fact I myself did not live up to them but in my picking and choosing I would always seek songs that when men sang where about the longing, the love, the craving and when women sang were always about the sorrow, the intensity, the regret and then I went looking for partners that would resonate within my same cultural imprinting so we could play out those scripts together until they turned to the sorrow, the intensity and the regret of the roles I had chosen and scripted for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with jealousy about a partner, to not take responsibility for what I felt and investigate the point to see that I would feel jealous as a comparison with other women from which I came out short in my own self judgement of myself, and since jealousy for me to feel was not part of my scripts because the men were the ones supposed to play the jealous part, I would find excuses and justifications to just move on, fearing that I would have to go through the jealousy experience again if I stuck with a particular partner and overlooking the point if there was a connection that was worth holding on to and learn to grow together in mutual support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of my unstable behavior with men which I could not figure out if it was because I was too interested or not interested enough, to end up walking away at all times as a result of accumulations of backchats and self dishonesty that I ended up blaming on them and that I allowed to become so overwhelming to the point of just giving up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was important and for feeling dishonest because I could not work out in detail what this feeling of 'love' was all about except translate it into jealousy, possessiveness, ownership instead of standing as a stable point of support next to my partners without seeking the illusory world of emotions and feelings as Proof that 'something was really there' because I was not there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be there for my myself or my partners as I busied myself blaming them for not being there for me, when in fact the point was that I was nowhere to be seen and I never considered building a self honest relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, twice in my life, drop my life and move to another country after a man, creating a credit in my mind for which a payback was due and corrupting my starting point both with myself as I took off without ever considering my own life but just the experience I would gain that would give me having a man next to me to me and equally with them, starting with a debt to be repaid, just like the current Monetary System, where nothing is done for nothing and a payback is always due

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my partners responsible for my life, through the justification that 'I gave up my life for you' so I could go on playing the extra romantic woman in love, while in fact I was just creating excuses to not be responsible for myself and the choices I made

I commit myself to establish a self honest relationship with myself, wherein I stand on my own two feet, no matter where I am or where I decide to move to, and to no longer make others responsible for myself or the experience of myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself trying to take off into some mind delusions about Love and memories and the past, to stop, Breathe, realize that I am not giving up anything of value as my memories are behavioural microchips that lead always in the same place where I have been many times before, to failure , and I no longer want to experience failure in relationships as a definition of who I am

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself move into the desire to compare my relationships as a way to feel safer, to stop and breathe through the fear, as the fear I have is the fear of me and I instead look at what am I fearing so I can release myself from it once and for all

I commit myself to, when and as I speak to a man, a partner or a potential partner to make sure I am not reactive, if I am to Breathe through my reactions before I speak or write and then only express myself so I can stop existing as a tornado of disasters because Prevention is the Best Cure.

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Day 198: Evil in Childhood - Hoarding for Value

So, as a consequence of Money and my Under-standing of it as a Child, I learned to monetize everything.

A few days ago at the supermarket a kid was running around his mum pointing out all the offers 'look mum this is only 2.75, muuuumm this is 2.50', seeking for his mother's approval, learning that food has a value, a prize and we have to go for the cheapest one, mum's job is to make ends meet so lives are spent looking for offers, sales, what's cheap this week, what can we afford.

In turn we sustain the 'Economy of Cheap', unaware of the real Costs in terms of Human Lives in the world, because as I tried to explain many times to my idiotic/greedy Italian boss who had set in mind to purchase Metal goods from China at a price lower that the published going rate for Metal, you simply can't. There is a bottom line to cheapness and we have crossed it quite some time ago. When we look for things we don't need at prices that are lower than the cost of the raw material, even if we are ignorant, if we stop to ask some questions we must be able to see that someone must be working 'for free' to manufacture them, just to feed this system that we ourselves have created and become of seeking out bargains, the lower, the lowest price we are willing/able to pay for something and instead of demanding that everything is reconsidered to stop the abusive system we have created, we look for other suppliers, people willing to pay their workers less, give them less benefits, less coverage, less to them so we can have more. But this is digressing from my childhood, so back on track.

When I was a kid I did not take this route, I felt ashamed for my mum always counting money, it was not 'elegant', plus my grandparents who splurged made remarks about people who 'always talk about money' were vulgar, this word in Italian means 'common' in its original root, being common was Not Good, being Above the Common was the desirable condition, so I became the kid that would roll her eyes when questioned about money by my mum and when constantly prodded to realize its value and not the kid like the one above helping out and running from shelf to shelf to contribute to 'money saving' in the understanding of the family situation.

I did that because I could, I lived in between the Third World and the First World, Third Class and First Class, the only thing I had to do was to endure the week, then the weekend would come and I would be lifted out of the Misery of our lives into the riches of my grandparents' boundless lifestyle.

What I did not see at the time, was that my grandparents rich lifestyle and apparent Money 'snobbery' was just another form of Money Fear, they just did not want to talk about it because Italy is Not America, rag to riches stories here underline the RAG and not the Riches, and every Rag-ger wants to forget where they came from, it's important for the Act they are now playing, Old Money and New Money is not the same and doesn't have the Same Value. So everyone likes to forget their roots in favour of the Higher Value they can get for themselves if they can have everyone believe 'they are Old Money' which means REALLY entitled to Wealth and Luxury, they did not have to Earn it, only New Money is Earned, Old Money is given, Old Money it's a State of Mind we all wish to belong to, the certainty that one can NEVER revert back to Not having because there was Never a Not Having apparently within Old Money FamiLies.

So in the attempt to exorcise their fear of Ragging back to where they came from, Money became a Taboo, a thing for the vulgar, the commoners like my mother who did not have a choice but to rag it out because she couldn't work any more than she did, we already lived in the Government Housing, shopped only once a week and had one meager fridge that was plenty for the food we had to put inside, while at my grandparents food was hoarded in 2 fridges, at the time I saw it as a result of the war and having lived hunger, but it was not, it was the pleasure of hoarding what you don't need, they did that with things, plates, glasses, silver, clothes, shoes, jewellery, things that were stored in cabinets and not used, just for the pleasure of hoarding as Value, everything in their house had a mental -and spoken out loud within the family- price tag.

They were worth the sum of their things.

SO naturally, within my possibilities, I became a hoarder too, as a kid I collected water tattoos, I kept them in a pile held by an elastic and showed them to my friends. They were bought at the news stall in small packets of 5, each of my friend could only maybe buy one packet weekly, but me, due to my hidden secret money could buy tens at the time, I would sort out the doubles for exchange and keep the best for myself. Then I would show them to my courtyard friends, I did not use them, I did not like to stick these plasticky things on my skin, I just enjoyed their jealousy and envy, they gave me value, until one day, one of them couldn't contain it anymore the 'negative emotions', broke into my house while we were out and took half of them, my best ones.

I was gutted.

It took some time before she came clean about it and apologized, she even gave me back some of them but they had lost their magic power, they had been contaminated out of my hoarding hands and the 'feeling' I was able to gain from them was forever gone.

The lesson I learned from this as a Child: hoarding must be done in secret to not move too much envy and jealousy -something I have seen later in life is shared by the Chinese Culture for example, not the Italian one- as that leads to consequences such as theft and the 'contamination ' of private property.

Did I question Why I had more rights than other kids to what I had? No. Because it worked for me.

In fact my mum who pushed for me to see the inequality and the point that I had to share was just a loser in my eyes and her behavior was the reason why she had not made it up there where my grandparents were, with 2 fridges and a big house, all her stupid sharing ideas and look where they got her.

And so I made myself into a successful hoarder with a twist, if I lost something or had something stolen I would push to let it go, just so I would not have to re-live the feelings of violation and abuse for having been made to see that Inequality will lead to some not being happy about it that will keep what you lost or steal what you have in an attempt to leverage the play field. because if I did take that into consideration I would have to question if this is a possible way to live, if the thieves are the ones that are committing the crime or if the hoarders are the criminals piling up what they don't need, taking from what should belong to all, just to add value to themselves, a value from which they separated when they bought into the idea that things and money have value and not Life, and by accepting this belief condemned themselves to seek to pile up the value for themselves leaving some out in the cold fending for their lives. Which was what I did.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value lies in what I have and what I can accumulate as a sign that I am not common and as such not 'vulgar'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define 'vulgarity' as being Money aware, instead of seeing and realizing that vulgar means Common and that not having Money or not having enough is Common and therefore there is a system problem in the way we are managing this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I didn't copy my grandparents behavior I would be left with my mother's behavior that led her to a life of financial misery always trying to make ends meet, which was something I feared

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear having to make ends meet and not having enough for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define pleasure through hoarding in the hope to make others jealous and envious because those emotions showed me I had more, was more and therefore worth more than others in my search for value above others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek value for myself above others through hoarding what I did not need

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, collect things that I did not necessarily want or use, such as water tattoos, just because others wanted them and within me having what other wanted I was buying value for myself and leaving them value/worth-less

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel resentment for my friend that broke in and came and took from me what was the source of the ill feelings she felt, so she could stop feeling the way she did, which I wished for her to feel, because in her feeling less through jealousy and envy I got to feel more about myself and for wishing others to feel less so I could feel more I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the resentment I felt was for myself, for having created such a situation of inequality, of hoarding beyond my needs something I did not care for, just so someone else could feel bad about it so I could feel good, and for desiring to make others feel bad so I would get to feel good about myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make my grandparents 'more' than my mother in my eyes, just based on what they owned and possessed, instead of seeing and realizing it was because they felt less that they hoarded stuff to feel more about themselves by showing off and making others uncomfortable about what they possessed, that others did not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my attempts to diminish my mother in my eyes and make it her fault that she did not have access to the same things my grandparents had, so I wouldn't have to make it my responsibility to stop the crap of diminishing others through possessions but I could instead join in with my grandparents who had more and with whom I felt less afraid that I could be out in the cold any moment if I did not have Money to take care of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to change my Hoarder Personality into a Discreet Hoarder personality in fear that what I hoarded would be taken from me, instead of stopping the hoarding altogether so that I am one less leech on this planet that goes for what is not needed in a planet where some can't meet their needs so that some can have all their wants fulfilled

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I let go of my ability to accumulate something, which is just food at the moment, then I would be in danger for my life, I would have to fear what would happen to me if I did not have 'more than enough' stored away and I didn't want to face this fear and come to terms with it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my life as my ability to earn and produce money and then spend it on things that I don't need or even want, instead of stopping and realizing that if I am driven by the desire to own things I don't care for, who and what is driving me if not myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have been driven into owning, possessing and hoarding by and through a system that needs my "desires to be more" activated and then maneuvered into an answer that is Money and Stuff that I need Money to access, so that I can become a faithful servant to this system of consumerism, playing my part in the game of purr-chasing substance for my own energetic experiences, instead of stopping my desire for my energetic experiences so that I can no longer be moved or used as a pawn to keep this system in place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the next thing I get will make me happy, even though so far no 'thing' I got has had any lasting 'happy' effect on me, including food

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be run by the fear of not having enough, of not being enough, of the future of what can happen to me within a system that clearly doesn't support anyone that doesn't have money in their pockets, instead of standing for a solution that can in fact stop this fear for all so we may start to rebuild a world that is not driven by desires to be more but by the Equality and Oneness of the Life we all share

I commit myself to stop buying and hoarding what I don't need and this includes food, as I see realize and understand that there is no reason but Fear driving this behavior and my desire to be more, which has now manifested in me being more, fatter in fact, so I can show myself that no one needs more than what is required to live and that pretending to give up hoarding, turning my hoarding to food is not working and is no longer an invisible hoarding and is just a visual reminder of what I have to let go to stop my self created brainwashing and mind control

I commit myself to myself, to support myself unconditionally through this transition from a hoarder to a common sense being, stopping the judgements of myself for what I have done and what I have been, which stand in the way of my change which is best for me and best for all

I commit myself to embrace myself during this transition, giving myself the support I want to see in this world for myself and every living being, Equal and One

I commit myself to support an Equal Money System and to explain to all those ready and willing to hear, why and how we need to change individually to become the bricks that can sustain a New World, where fear will no longer exist for anyone and Life will be born from the physical to reclaim this World once and for all.

Related articles

• Day 197: Evil in Childhood - Under-Standing Money
• Day 90 - Parents Suffocating Life
• Day 189: Social Engineering - The Illusion of Choice
• Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa
• 198: After Death Communication - Part 47
• Day 195: The Evil in Childhood

Day 190: Mind Control - Emotions and Feelings

I have been working for a while on these point of Emotions and Feelings, not effectively obviously as there is so much coming up all the time some days I want to throw in the towel. 

Through reading the blog of a friend about the Apocalypse Show of Derren Brown I was intrigued and watched it, and then watched another couple of his shows.

The fact that we miss our Mind Control and how easily we can be manipulated and led around just by words impulsed, flashed symbols, suggested scenarios, it's disheartening, it is not the Mind Control from the outside mind you, those are just triggers, it is what goes on inside.

The show that disturbed me the most among the couple I watched was 'The Guilt Trip' in which through creating first the emotion of Guilt in the participant, associating it with specific triggers, then at will, without a specific "Guilt triggering situation" but just by using the 2 triggers, one kinestetic and one auditive, the guy could be led so far as to admit a murder he did not commit.

This tied in with my afternoon, in which a friend came to visit me and raised the subject of job seeking and supporting myself and what I will do if I sell the house, asking for my plans and I felt this irritation mounting for all the wise advices and suggestions, which was NOT in fact an irritation at my friend but just at the subject she raised, a trigger, the point of jobless=shame=worthless. This is especially paramount in my life at the moment because I used to cover positions of responsibility and the shuffling around with a couple of students is not 'meaningful' enough' but that is not true either, is just not remunerative enough, because Money holds my Value, no Money=No Value=Worthless= Shame.

So I had my own little Derren Brown show today, in my own Home, all self created and when I reached the peak of the irritation I was glad my friend switched to talk about something else, about one of my ex partners, so I could make comments about him, take the heat off of me, participate in Gossip for the purpose of self relief, of getting myself off the hook of how I felt because if I didn't I would have to write about it and face this point, again, of how I have allowed Money to define me through the self manipulation of emotions such as worthlessness when I don't have it and Happiness when I have it.

And then we insist that we can move to a Money Free World when Money has become Who we are, the fibre of our very constitution, what occupies our Minds when we don't have it and even when we have it, as we then have to find ways to not lose it, to make sure we always have enough, and in all this we lose sight of the point that we could stop, reassess our World and turn it into a place that would support All Equally, so that the Fear and Shame connected to Not Having Money would no longer be there for anybody, because returning the Value and Worth of this World to Life would guarantee no one would ever have to experience themselves as 'less than' Worthy because of Money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my emotions and feelings are important and what defines me as a Human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disturbed when I watched Derren Brown at the obvious realization of How Predictable we are, which means we are in no way Free or even ever making a Free Choice but are constantly and consistently impulsed to make choices that serve this system, until we STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated when M. brought up again the question of 'what will you do?" which implies job wise, because that triggers me into thoughts of my worthlessness as a non productive part of a system that says that you are worthy when you stand as a happy Bee and produce Money in the Equal measure to your Worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into worthlessness and shame because I don't have a job at the moment and for associating working to worth and pride just because I bought into the belief that that is How a Life is measured instead of seeing the Equal Value in every Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to justify myself about being jobless because if I don't then I move into worthlessness and shame and I don't like this experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the backchat 'why don't you mind your fucking business' because I wanted to blame my friend for how I was experiencing myself due to having given in to a trigger of my own creation regarding a job and being jobless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to happily move the conversation onto somebody else so by exposing the faults I perceive in another I could take off some of the heat I was experiencing and feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a puppet of emotions and feelings through which I keep putting myself into an experience of diminishment that then seeks upliftment through bringing others down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as if 'my life is over' because I don't have a job and all my previous identity landmarks have fallen to pieces and I don't know how to function yet without all the props I had created for myself to navigate this physical experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will do with my life and my future due to all the negative 'what if' I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with and that I allowed to accumulate into an apparent insurmountable mountain of energy that now has control over me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional body on this topic of job/work and for then wanting to just walk away from it without taking the time to dissect where and how I have misplaced my value so I can take it back and move on in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotions and feelings, believing that I am my emotions and feelings and that I will never be able to move on because I don't know who I am if I don't 'feel' something and that due to the importance I have granted to my emotional life I fear not existing if I should stop to feel, including stopping to feel like crap most of the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to check how I feel not to make sure that I a stopping my participation in emotions and feelings, but to check 'how I am doing' because I have invested value in feeling good and now that I feel guilty about feeling good, I make do with feeling bad, but what if I stopped feeling bad as well, would that qualify as alive?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that flimsy energies such as emotions and feelings ruling my Life and myself, standing in the way of me becoming the Directive Principle of myself are not acceptable and that I have to let go this way of existing for good to know what is on the other side of the swing that keeps me too occupied to see reality for what it is

When and as I see myself moving into energetic experiences of emotions and feelings or seeking to move into energetic experiences of emotions and feelings to 'feel alive' I stop, breathe, remind myself that that is NOT what being Alive is about, that is in fact aLie, it is my own Mind Control kicking in and that when I am feeling anything, good or bad, I am for sure Not Breathing and I push to return myself to slow down and breathe

When and as I see myself desiring to 'feel something' as a meter of my aliveness, I stop, breathe, and see realize and understand that moving along in this process will have to be through My own directive will, that I will develop by pushing through this resistance to let go who I have been and how I have measured the effectiveness of my participation in this existence

Related articles

• Day 102: Mind Control is Everywhere!
• Day 90 - Resistances are Feelings Influencing Me
• Day 182 Facing emotions and feelings,
• Day 134 Not Taking Things Personally

Day 186: Social Engineering - The Downfall of Happiness

Just back from a week of idleness.

This morning I got up and I was just aware  that I had paralyzed myself into a place of nothingness, it's familiar, it's quite amazing as well how willing I am to return to the familiarity of a life that I created and sucked rather than push through to move into self discipline for Real Change, Self Discipline a total alien concept before I met Desteni, that reeked of constriction.

When I move into the nothingness of me and the desire to not exist, I look for things to distract myself, this week was TV nonsense and Dr. Phil's shows, the American psychologist that brings up 'current cases' of dysfunction and lives that don't work and are quite fucked up.

I used to read magazines for this purpose, reading the gossips about the rich and famous, looking for lives that obviously did not work, like mine, so I could say 'see, all your money and fame and look, you are not less fucked up than I am', this is why we enjoy magazines, it is not to dream about lives that seem out of reach, it is to look for lives that fail to attain the holy grail of happiness, the ever eluding feeling that shows us that we made it, we got how it all works and now nothing can push us out of balance, we are It.

I am not sure how I slid into this state either, it was an accumulation of 'bad news' from the newspapers we read, watching Obama on his way to reelection with an oblivious forgetful world missing out on all the promises he had made he had not stuck to, from Guantanamo to Afghanistan, to Healthcare and pipe dreams of social changes to come, watching the pantomime of Romney not making it regardless of the Money he put into the race, the celebration of The Illusion of Choice, the President of the derelicts getting his seat back because look, it's not Money that counts, not Romney that counts, it's Change, Freedom, a Black Man to show we can all make it up there not once, twice, stay tuned people, don't blow the bubble of the American Dream or you may just Wake Up.

As far as depressing news and reads we don't seem to joke either as a group, some of our Blogs are just like the News, just a tad too much Reality to not get occasionally buried in a pile of shit, I don't feel good doing what we have set out to do, reading what we write about, I look everywhere and I can't find the 'good feelings' anymore, this world is essentially cruel and sad, it's quite amazing the effort we have to go through to deny it, must be tiring as well to keep up with the Joneses of the Feeling Good Movement, I was tired of it, consumed by it, funny though, because this week I was still consumed, just on the other side of the swing, no wonder that between these 2 choices 'feeling good or feeling bad' it's a no brainer what we'll choose, and it's a no brainer how to move us 'en masse' towards desired outcomes, it's called 'Social Engineering'.

Obama stands as the example, it would have felt 'too bad' to put RMoney in Power, what about the poor, the ones that still have only the Dream of a good Life? The world is -apparently- rising against Inequality, we'll keep it down with the Illusion that the Poor Won -again-, there is nowhere else to aspire to, You Poor Ones are already sitting at the Highest Public Office in the World, now feel good about it, celebrate and go back to sleep.

What moved me out of this pitiful useless state were a few points mentioned in the reads I have done these past days, in between Dr. Phil's shows glorifying the 'Happy State' we can all reach if we just make a few adjustments.

One was a sentence Cerise mentioned in one of her Blogs, "I see your Point but I still don't Care"

"Sure, we may want to keep our word. We may want to honour our commitments. We may want to change the world. But we don't. In order for us to develop self discipline, we need to start by actually forcing ourselves to walk that which we have committed to walk - there is no other way."

It's the forcing that stroke a cord inside me, because there is no other way to say this, it won't happen unless we FORCE ourselves past our resistances to stick to our commitments, it is not something we seek or look forward to because 'it doesn't feel good', which proves the point that we are driven by a make belief internal reward system for quick biochemical fixes, basically we are drug addicts unwilling to give up our drug of choice 'happiness', we don't even realize what goes on inside of us that generates the 'happy feeling', well most of us don't, Big Pharma does, this is why they have concocted chemical cocktails to 'regulate the happiness output', they call them 'mood re-balancing', they move us from sad and hopeless into happy and chirpy, at least we function, we can get back into out slot in the system and stop the questioning.

What if we realized what is really happening to us, the manipulation, the Mind Control on the swing from Fear to Happy, that would be quite horrifying, imagine waking up to the truth of this reality of what we made out of it, of being forced to being born into the consequences of an existence that is deteriorating as we write, where nothing is Real, from Human relationships to Politics, to Food to the Healthcare System, we do see what is going on, but Happiness is such a drive, it is more, it's a Driver, the one that runs the choices we make, the directions we take, the desires we have and are being sold in our elusive search for Happiness, having equated Happiness with a satisfying life and being rewarded with the accomplishment of a good job.

Hence Desteni stands as the perfect example of how to push oneself, as there is no reward or happiness to be had in walking a process of Self Correction, both points that I am still accepting and allowing to drive me and my choices, as when I don't have access to Happiness I wish to at least be rewarded, at least see that we are reaching more people, and yet this setup is just perfect, it is a space in which each one of us will grow out of our addiction, it is 'La Hacienda' for the drug addicts we have become, in which we have group support and yet we stand alone, in which each one of us is required to become Self responsible about seeking the support others are writing because, as amazing as it seems, as I live through my own shit, someone writes about it and I see MySelf in their writings, not necessarily as they intended, which is the example of a few of Marlen's Blogs this week, in which each title was a thud on my head even when she only spoke about herself and in fact what 'I read' in the Title had nothing to do with what she wrote, but I read what I needed to read to get back up and moving again, because Self Interest is an Obstacle to real Change, as I seek happiness for myself alone and Self Sabotage is Self Interest, because the Sabotage allows me to just keep doing 'That thing I do' which will have the same outcome that led me here, unless I stop and let go of my delusion and desire fr a 'Happy Life' so I can start living and discover what the Hell Life is All about when I get off the Junkie Train of Emotions and Feelings.

Tomorrow will write out my Self Forgiveness for my Right to my own Pursuit of Happiness 

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