This Blog is a Follow up to: The Solitude of Prime Numbers & I Don't Need Anybody - Character
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OK, so just starting with this structure of Characters deconstruction and my buddy and a friend reminded me that Thoughts are in fact images, which when I looked again it did bring up an image of my mother hitting me which made me fear that she did not want me anymore, which made me want to not want her anymore and extend this rejection in fear of being rejected to everyone else, which in fact created a suppressed denied desire for relationships, what a fuck up.
So today looking at the though dimension as a picture I have imprinted myself with and which I have layered into one picture seemingly even though it's not the first one because we were already living in our second apartment but it's the representation of those moments of utter fear I felt when I had the perception of being too small to do anything to protect myself and that I lacked both resources and knowledge to walk away, considering I did not even know where to go or how to survive.
Picture (could be a composite)
My mother screaming at me and her face going evil, her hands trembling, her eyes changed while she raised her right hand to hit me, me covering my face while she hit me where I did not protect myself with my hands and the contact of her hand with my face, the physical pain and the physical shame (don't know how to express this because I don't remember this as an emotion but as a physical being ashamed for her to hit me that way)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the picture of myself sitting on a chair while my mother shouted to not respond, to just shut my big mouth or there would be consequences, but because I could not shut up my mouth without feeling defeated and diminished I had to speak up for myself becoming the trigger that would unleash my mother bottled up anger and turn it physical
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the experience of humiliation without realizing it was a self created experience but instead allowing myself to feel defeated and diminished and disempowered as a consequence of my own self created experience, for which I forgive myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this picture of myself as disempowered, not knowing what to do, having to sit and wait for this woman to just walk toward me and hurt me, fearing the physical impact and what I would experience if she did hit me, having the memory of the palpitation of the negative expectation of troubles to come, that could not be avoided because I did not consider the moment and how much my mother was under stress, instead I saw that moment as her condemnation, as the moment in which IF she did hit me, I don't know what I wold have done, I would no longer hold myself back (HAHA) and for fearing in fact the emotional experience I would have to go through, as hatred and desire to retaliate that I had experienced before when she hit me or abruptly touched me physically in a way that I defined and then felt trespassing and abusive
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this picture of the moment in which her hand landed on my face, feeling her fingers even when she had already lifted her hand from my face, feeling utterly humiliated that she would even dare do such a thing, wanted to say 'how do you dare' but not having the vocabulary to put my feelings into words to express my endless indignation and for believing that now that she DID hit me I was entitled to hate her and desire to retaliate, because she brought this on herself, not realizing that we all lived out on friction in this reality, and as I stood as the point of friction, so did she, as the lives of those that have nothing to look forward to seem to become 'lively' and meaningful only in such outburst of energies, which it doesn't matter if they give rise to good feelings or negative emotions, as long as we get to experience that moment of aliveness that seems missing from our lives at all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the moment in which I was physically hit, and then dragged myself through the experience of humiliation for having caused such moment to even take place and then since I could not stand both the abuse and the responsibility for it, I blamed my mum for being the cause of my misery, wanting to hold on to such a moment as proof of my future entitlements as the pay back of her fuck ups, never giving up on my perceived credits because I had the PROOF within me that she did in fact fuck up when she hit me and she shouldn't think she would be left off the hook so easily because now I got her and as I held on to this retaliatory excuse I bound myself to that moment which caused me to create experiences of further cycles of abuse and entitlement as I kept playing out the same loops until now
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I felt fear for what was coming, imprint myself with the image of my mothers movement, her eyes darkening, how she threateningly moved toward me, so I could be sure that I could always read the signs of something negative to come from anyone as I stored away the images of 'how it is done' what comes before a blow, and within this image stored in fear allowing myself to fear my mother whenever one of these signs would come up, such as trembling hands, which then led to extensive situations of tension as I lived in anticipation of being harmed, until she would, out of the desperation of perceiving me on the defensive for no apparent reason, locking her out of any possible communication as I waited for the blow - even when later in life it was unreasonable to expect such a blow up I would still live out my automated robotic reactions - live out her frustration as I confirmed that 'you see, this is what you do' instead of seeing myself as the cause unnecessary un-required friction for which I did not take self responsibility to change myself from the cause to the solution
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support my mum as an Equal, by letting go of the Past, because in my Self Interest it was a credit I could always cash in on, no matter how long a time I kept this woman jailed to her past, jailing myself one and equal, standing in the way of my ability to respond as self responsibility and preventing myself to grow and expand into everything I could have been and become, so that I could make a point, again and again, of how wrong she was when I was so very right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, due to this image and the fear and humiliation associated to it, build up such a point of resistance to my mum that for years I felt physically repulsed by the vicinity of my mother, a point for which I felt ashamed, trying to look for faults to blame in her to justify this repulsion, such as that she was sloppy and did not take good care of herself, lining up with my grandmother and using her reasons to justify what was in fact my own behavior for which I was not willing to take responsibility and for this I forgive myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject my mum in fear of being rejected as this was one of the point of this moment that I defined as a possibility as I took this moment personally, as if there was something wrong and faulty with me and she may decide to return me or that she may just have secretly hoped to have another kid and not me, which in this point of my imaginary self created rejection would lead me to backchat and creating a Character that rejects All, such as the "I don't need anybody' Character, condemning myself to solitude for years in fear of rejection, and for this I forgive myself.