Day 188: Social Engineering - Happy Foods - Sugar As Spice

So, in my Pursuit of Happiness, one of the Main Roles has been played by Food.

Since I was a kid Food has been given to me as a Reward, as a bribe, as a prize as something to look forward to, so Food has lost its place as Nutrition in my Mind quite early, to be replaced with a 'feeling' first of anticipation and then the 'happy feeling', the achievement of a promise, only to be followed by the down, proportional to the high which in the case of Sugar would be a ride up into Euphoria and a sliding down into Depression.

When I was a kid I had access to unsupervised Money, which I regularly, daily, turned into Sweets at the little Shop run by the Nuns in my School, the Nuns being the second pushers I met in my Life, first being my Family, and wouldn't that be appropriate, they sold us Hell and the bitterness of Life and then the 'Happy Pills', the Pacifiers, the Hope that everything will be fine after All.

The topic of Food as a mean to Happiness is quite extensive for me and I will unfold it in a few Blogs as this is a point I have wished to Not Correct, because I feel there is nothing left for me to live for most of the time and I fear letting go of food as my Source of Happiness.

As I researched for a picture to place here regarding "Happy Foods" I was overwhelmed by images of Happy Food Pictures, the "Happy" labeling of Food is extensive, we have Happy Candies, Happy Treats, Happy Cotton Candy, Happy Halloween Sweets, Happy Mc Meals and when we tried to correct the fuck up we had become about foods how did we do that? With Happy Healthy Foods.

At some level we understand that we won't be able to let go the Happy Foods if not for others Happy Foods, who wants to eat 'sad' healthy carrots and greens, 'depressed' proteins, 'sorrowful' potatoes, so the association of Food with the experience of Happiness, with the Dream of Happiness is so common we don't even see it anymore, all our foods are now 'Happy', now in Italy we have Happy Yogurts, Happy Salads, Happy organic Food, there is so much freaking Happiness in our Foods, it's no wonder there is none left for Humans, we have to eat it, drink it, but most importantly BUY IT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to buy into the Happy Foods idea as a kid because I was sad and I was looking for ways to self medicate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited about sweet food, because it was given to me as a treat for which I should get excited and I just complied

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look forward to sweet happy foods when spending time with my grandparents as a way to spite my mum who was stricter on food both for health and because we did not have money to waste on nonsense food, and for developing a spiteful relationship with food as my way to 'go against the system'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stuff myself with sugar to experience the rush of 'well being' as an energetic fix because I did not feel alive as a kid and I sought for ways to 'come alive' no matter at what cost for my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sugar was giving me life and liveliness instead of realizing sugar turned me spastic and damaged my brain to the point that I had to go on medications for brain inflammation due to overuse/abuse of sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even when sugar gave me terrible crampings and pain, not be willing to let it go because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the if I had given up that little liveliness that I felt, I would no longer exist and would become catatonic like the people of the movies when on Thorazine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is Bitter and needs to be sweetened up, corrected with Sugar to be acceptable, instead of seeing and realizing it was my participation in and as the Mind and my belief that THAT was all I was that gave me the experience of bitterness, embitterment that I believed to be me as Who I was, from which I tried to escape with copious amounts of sugar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my extensive use of sugar out of shame because I judged this little secret habit as unbecoming, unladylike and something to hide because if I did come clean about it they would take it from me, forbid me to access it and then I would have to face the embittered reality of me I was participating in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that eating sweets/sugar would make me happy/happier, even though I had eaten a ton of it with no results if not the desire for more, helping out to keep me floating on the sugar high and never have to land on the miserable reality of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself addicted to sugar and to the belief that if I kept at it maybe the cumulative effect would one day deliver that elusive 'Happy' experience that was shown in the Sugar Pushing Ads, always seeking, chasing that unreachable experience of Happiness, moving from one disappointment to another about Foods that I bought after watching TV and the experiences they promised that were never delivered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when going for my sugar binges, do it in secret, hiding the fact that as an adult I would still buy 'Happy Colas' by the truckloads, associating every 'Happy' Sugar/Candy name to a chance, a possibility that I may get Happy if I kept going, maybe another pack will do, maybe this time it will work, maybe if I eat them slower, faster, in a whole fistful, bite them in half, don't bite them in half, trying all possible combinations BAR facing the point that there is NO HAPPINESS in Sugar or in any other Food and that the seeking of Happiness as my Right to be Happy as the Self Interest of an experience that would only take place in my head first and then in my body through insulin and adrenaline release that I identified as a Life worth living, because I could not see any other worth or value in Life except the artificial one I managed to inject into it through whatever 'promised' the happiness I sought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Life was sad and not worth living because I did not see myself having access to everything that was available in this world but only to a limited amount of it, defined by Money, within a system that we created for Exclusivity, to make sure some would get it All and some would be 'excluded' from the good experiences of Life that could then be prompted to BUY for themselves having accepted and allowed the belief that UnHappy lives were not worth living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hoard candies and hide them because I could not share my medications with other kids, as I wanted to have more, to be more, to be More Happy and as such, More Worthy, More valuable, with a Life More MeaningFull, Sweeter and if the other kids would have to be sad and bitter, better them than me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be more than other kids, happier, with a sweeter life, more meaningFull, which is what we do all the way into AdultHood, changing sweets for gadgets, homes, cars, food, to separate ourselves from the rest of the world, hoping to leave the embittered reality of this Existence behind, to someone else, instead of standing for a Solution that would benefit All equally, to erase this bitterness from existence once and for All, creating a system where Life is Equally Sweet for All Living beings and no one needs any Happy Pills to make the medicine, as the truth of what this World has turned into, go down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and desire Happiness only for myself because it seemed there was not Enough Happiness in this world to go around, to share Equally and so we would have to embrace each individual Pursuit of happiness stepping on the heads of the ones lower on this World Ladder to make sure we got where we wanted to be, to the Happy Places of existence, without considering how to build Existence into a Happy Place for All, Equal and One. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is not enough of anything to go around and be shared Equally, having realized that some were born Poor, with less access than me to the Goodies of the World, being glad about it because until there is someone standing below us, we can call ourselves Lucky and feel good about ourselves and for not standing up for a Solution that would embrace All and Create a Dignified Life for All, Equal and One, I For-Give myself.

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Day 187: Social Engineering - My Constitutional Right to Happiness

This is a follow up to my Post 'The Downfall of Happiness', link at the bottom

So, since Happiness seems to be the thread that hooks me left and right in many seemingly unrelated ways, I will take a look at the origin of my Idea of Happiness.

It's quite sad to realize how we are sold our drugs and fixes by our parents first, but not surprising. The Mess of Humanity is quite extensive, they did not have tools to disentangle themselves such as we have found nowadays through the Portal and the dedication of some to What is best for All Life, and so there is no reason to blame anyone, but just a commitment to walk back to see where and how such points were sown and watered and ultimately accepted by us as ourselves.

My mum suffered from depression, which sucks, it would be quite normal to not wish depression on your Children if it did not work for you, so All Parents in the World mostly unite under One Common Banner 'the wishing of Happiness for their Children', did they all suffer from depression? This I don't know, but seeing this world and what it has become it's more surprising the happy side of our make belief lives that not the depressing/sad side.

It is interesting as well to see how we have not ever questioned Reality in any way, just the point of wishing Happiness on someone as the better of the two polarities within 'feeling bad and feeling good' should have raised a flag toward the point that mostly everyone must have experienced the 'feeling bad' of living. We mainly blame this on external sources, such as poor health, lack of Money, broken relationships, some kind of loss, and yet all of us learnt at some point in life that rich, healthy people who are in a relationship have been unhappy too, some to the point of taking their own lives.

Happiness is not a given in this world, it's an achievement, we have to 'do something' to be happy, and that depends on how each one has branded and defined Happiness, but Happiness is a 'to do' thing, 'do what makes you happy' 'what do you like doing, what makes you happy?'. In this parents play a pivotal role in the selling of the 'Happiness Product', it is a product, it's marketed and sold and ultimately bought by each and everyone of us -if and when we can afford it.

Happiness sells, there isn't one commercial showing 'sad' people, sadness doesn't sell, we have invented medications to restore the biochemical Happiness we seek and have become accustomed to identify Happiness with 'succesful lives', only happy people are really successful, of course living in a Consumerist system where Happiness is for Sale, Money has to play a big role in it.
The Poor are naturally, acceptably sad.

But what about if this elusive Happiness was elusive because it is NOT a natural state, what if our Natural State of being was beyond emotions and feelings and we were trapped in this make belief world chasing good feelings while fleeing bad/negative emotions?

Wouldn't the question then be, where are the negative/bad emotions we experience coming from, why is the starting point of our existence negative/bad, so much so that the system found ways to make Happiness into a sure Sale, why is Happiness not lasting, elusive, why is everyone rooting for Happiness in a rotting world?

So, I will apply Self Forgiveness to release myself from this Idea of Happiness as an experience, as an achievement, as an aspiration I must hold on to, as my secret suppressed Desire, because it is in the seeking of what is not Real that we have signed away our Right to live outside of our self created boxes that we designed & then accepted and allowed to stay in place, until Happiness became the driving force of existence and a Constitutional Right, the best stroke of genius, because if the Pursuit of Happiness is my Right, by God I'm gonna get me some.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to seek Happiness in separation from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Happiness is worth dying for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is an Happiness out there that I must seek and then achieve and then hold on to as a proof that my Life is worthy of something because at least 'I'm Happy'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I was letting my mum down when I couldn't generate the "Happy' feeling that I was supposes to feel so 'she could be happy too'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'the important thing in life' is to 'be Happy' failing to realize that every time I failed to 'be Happy' I would then judge my life and myself as Not Important, dispensable and ultimately a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be Happy as a feeling of Happiness, without realizing that the 'feeling of Happiness' is a biochemical creation, a shot, a fix I seek to validate my life and my existence because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'the important thing in Life is to be Happy' and when I am not, I failed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum as a failure because she could not keep herself happy all the time even though she said that being happy is 'the only important thing in life' and for fearing that I may become like her, unable to sustain the Happy Feeling long enough to be likable and someone others would like to spend time with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure because I could not hold on to the Happy feeling in a sustainable way and I had to come up with new things and props to make myself happy and those led me to live a self destructive life in the 'Pursuit of Happiness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave in self destructive ways toward my body in my pursuit/fix for the experience of Happiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when someone said 'nothing makes you happy' feel guilty and ashamed because I was not good at generating and holding on to this 'happy feeling' and for this I judged myself as a failure and someone who was not right but wrong and flawed


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was wrong and flawed unless I could generate and hold on to the Happy Feeling that I was supposed to feel because I had a home, food and was luckier than most and yet, it was not enough


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the point of 'Happiness' as a dis-ease and not something that I felt at ease with due to its volatile nature and the things I had to do to reach that 'feeling' and then make it last as long as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be Happy, seeking the acceptance of those around me that I knew treasured 'the Happy people with the Happy feelings' and for fearing that if I was Not Happy I would be rejected and for living with and as fear of rejection for Not Being Happy I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be surrounded only by Happy people so it would be easier for me to keep up the Happy facade and not have to face the point that I was deeply sad and that this experience of living vs Life was less than satisfactory in any possible way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn into a Positive Thinker, hoping that if I focused on the 'Good' long enough I would be able to make myself Happy and live an acceptable Happy Life, making my Life conditioned to the level of 'happiness' I could generate and hold on to, never questioning WHY we created philosophies such as 'Positive Thinking' which would not make sense unless we were 'negatively thinking/experiencing' ourselves to start with, and yet suppressing the unacceptable negativity to cover it up with the sugar coating of positivity while I allowed the negativity of me to run havoc in separation and denial of it, instead of standing up within myself and correcting my participation with and as negativity that I believed to be me until I became it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fear of experiencing myself negatively within the belief that it was out of my power to change such experience of me and that That was who I was and that such belief was the key that run my Life blindly into the Pursuit of Happiness as I escaped the negativity and the negative experience of myself jumping right into the arms of the Consumerist system that made it its business to sell Happiness in so many disguises for a price and within this, for giving up myself in The Pursuit of Happiness I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist giving up the Quest for Happiness, because I feared that if I took Happiness out of the Equation, there would be nothing left since Happiness is the Most important thing in Life and when you have THAT you have everything and so I feared having nothing left and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated and judgemental when I see Happy People on Tv ads, because I secretly held on to the desire to be Happy, but I won't allow myself to be Happy now because I no longer want to participate in emotions and feelings, so I am sad instead, because sad seems a more justified emotions for the times we live in, at least it's real, when in fact none of them is real, nor the Happiness or the more "dignified" version of its polarity as Sadness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to Sadness because it's still an emotion, it's still something I can define myself by because what If I am not happy nor sad, do I even exist then?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as one with my experience of emotions and feelings, without ever asking myself how could I be my emotions and feelings if there was no stability but a swing I would board ad nausea and from which I just feared to get off, and for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting off my emotional roller coaster I forgive myself as I see, realize and understand that I have subjected myself as my physical body to much strain and pain within my pursuit of happiness and fear of sadness and that I am not self realizing anything just because I condemn myself to the other polarity of the Happiness swing, out of an imaginary 'decency' for which I felt the need when I understood who we are and what it is we are really doing here and for not realizing that sadness is not ennobling me in any way, it's not making me more than the 'Happy people' out there and so within this I commit myself to keep investigating how and why I am still swinging on the happiness/sadness swing instead of getting off for good once and for all, until I do, for myself and All of existence, Equal and One.

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Day 186: Social Engineering - The Downfall of Happiness

Just back from a week of idleness.

This morning I got up and I was just aware  that I had paralyzed myself into a place of nothingness, it's familiar, it's quite amazing as well how willing I am to return to the familiarity of a life that I created and sucked rather than push through to move into self discipline for Real Change, Self Discipline a total alien concept before I met Desteni, that reeked of constriction.

When I move into the nothingness of me and the desire to not exist, I look for things to distract myself, this week was TV nonsense and Dr. Phil's shows, the American psychologist that brings up 'current cases' of dysfunction and lives that don't work and are quite fucked up.

I used to read magazines for this purpose, reading the gossips about the rich and famous, looking for lives that obviously did not work, like mine, so I could say 'see, all your money and fame and look, you are not less fucked up than I am', this is why we enjoy magazines, it is not to dream about lives that seem out of reach, it is to look for lives that fail to attain the holy grail of happiness, the ever eluding feeling that shows us that we made it, we got how it all works and now nothing can push us out of balance, we are It.

I am not sure how I slid into this state either, it was an accumulation of 'bad news' from the newspapers we read, watching Obama on his way to reelection with an oblivious forgetful world missing out on all the promises he had made he had not stuck to, from Guantanamo to Afghanistan, to Healthcare and pipe dreams of social changes to come, watching the pantomime of Romney not making it regardless of the Money he put into the race, the celebration of The Illusion of Choice, the President of the derelicts getting his seat back because look, it's not Money that counts, not Romney that counts, it's Change, Freedom, a Black Man to show we can all make it up there not once, twice, stay tuned people, don't blow the bubble of the American Dream or you may just Wake Up.

As far as depressing news and reads we don't seem to joke either as a group, some of our Blogs are just like the News, just a tad too much Reality to not get occasionally buried in a pile of shit, I don't feel good doing what we have set out to do, reading what we write about, I look everywhere and I can't find the 'good feelings' anymore, this world is essentially cruel and sad, it's quite amazing the effort we have to go through to deny it, must be tiring as well to keep up with the Joneses of the Feeling Good Movement, I was tired of it, consumed by it, funny though, because this week I was still consumed, just on the other side of the swing, no wonder that between these 2 choices 'feeling good or feeling bad' it's a no brainer what we'll choose, and it's a no brainer how to move us 'en masse' towards desired outcomes, it's called 'Social Engineering'.

Obama stands as the example, it would have felt 'too bad' to put RMoney in Power, what about the poor, the ones that still have only the Dream of a good Life? The world is -apparently- rising against Inequality, we'll keep it down with the Illusion that the Poor Won -again-, there is nowhere else to aspire to, You Poor Ones are already sitting at the Highest Public Office in the World, now feel good about it, celebrate and go back to sleep.

What moved me out of this pitiful useless state were a few points mentioned in the reads I have done these past days, in between Dr. Phil's shows glorifying the 'Happy State' we can all reach if we just make a few adjustments.

One was a sentence Cerise mentioned in one of her Blogs, "I see your Point but I still don't Care"

"Sure, we may want to keep our word. We may want to honour our commitments. We may want to change the world. But we don't. In order for us to develop self discipline, we need to start by actually forcing ourselves to walk that which we have committed to walk - there is no other way."

It's the forcing that stroke a cord inside me, because there is no other way to say this, it won't happen unless we FORCE ourselves past our resistances to stick to our commitments, it is not something we seek or look forward to because 'it doesn't feel good', which proves the point that we are driven by a make belief internal reward system for quick biochemical fixes, basically we are drug addicts unwilling to give up our drug of choice 'happiness', we don't even realize what goes on inside of us that generates the 'happy feeling', well most of us don't, Big Pharma does, this is why they have concocted chemical cocktails to 'regulate the happiness output', they call them 'mood re-balancing', they move us from sad and hopeless into happy and chirpy, at least we function, we can get back into out slot in the system and stop the questioning.

What if we realized what is really happening to us, the manipulation, the Mind Control on the swing from Fear to Happy, that would be quite horrifying, imagine waking up to the truth of this reality of what we made out of it, of being forced to being born into the consequences of an existence that is deteriorating as we write, where nothing is Real, from Human relationships to Politics, to Food to the Healthcare System, we do see what is going on, but Happiness is such a drive, it is more, it's a Driver, the one that runs the choices we make, the directions we take, the desires we have and are being sold in our elusive search for Happiness, having equated Happiness with a satisfying life and being rewarded with the accomplishment of a good job.

Hence Desteni stands as the perfect example of how to push oneself, as there is no reward or happiness to be had in walking a process of Self Correction, both points that I am still accepting and allowing to drive me and my choices, as when I don't have access to Happiness I wish to at least be rewarded, at least see that we are reaching more people, and yet this setup is just perfect, it is a space in which each one of us will grow out of our addiction, it is 'La Hacienda' for the drug addicts we have become, in which we have group support and yet we stand alone, in which each one of us is required to become Self responsible about seeking the support others are writing because, as amazing as it seems, as I live through my own shit, someone writes about it and I see MySelf in their writings, not necessarily as they intended, which is the example of a few of Marlen's Blogs this week, in which each title was a thud on my head even when she only spoke about herself and in fact what 'I read' in the Title had nothing to do with what she wrote, but I read what I needed to read to get back up and moving again, because Self Interest is an Obstacle to real Change, as I seek happiness for myself alone and Self Sabotage is Self Interest, because the Sabotage allows me to just keep doing 'That thing I do' which will have the same outcome that led me here, unless I stop and let go of my delusion and desire fr a 'Happy Life' so I can start living and discover what the Hell Life is All about when I get off the Junkie Train of Emotions and Feelings.

Tomorrow will write out my Self Forgiveness for my Right to my own Pursuit of Happiness 

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