Just back from a week of idleness.
This morning I got up and I was just aware that I had paralyzed myself into a place of nothingness, it's familiar, it's quite amazing as well how willing I am to return to the familiarity of a life that I created and sucked rather than push through to move into self discipline for Real Change, Self Discipline a total alien concept before I met Desteni, that reeked of constriction.
When I move into the nothingness of me and the desire to not exist, I look for things to distract myself, this week was TV nonsense and Dr. Phil's shows, the American psychologist that brings up 'current cases' of dysfunction and lives that don't work and are quite fucked up.
I used to read magazines for this purpose, reading the gossips about the rich and famous, looking for lives that obviously did not work, like mine, so I could say 'see, all your money and fame and look, you are not less fucked up than I am', this is why we enjoy magazines, it is not to dream about lives that seem out of reach, it is to look for lives that fail to attain the holy grail of happiness, the ever eluding feeling that shows us that we made it, we got how it all works and now nothing can push us out of balance, we are It.
I am not sure how I slid into this state either, it was an accumulation of 'bad news' from the newspapers we read, watching Obama on his way to reelection with an oblivious forgetful world missing out on all the promises he had made he had not stuck to, from Guantanamo to Afghanistan, to Healthcare and pipe dreams of social changes to come, watching the pantomime of Romney not making it regardless of the Money he put into the race, the celebration of The Illusion of Choice, the President of the derelicts getting his seat back because look, it's not Money that counts, not Romney that counts, it's Change, Freedom, a Black Man to show we can all make it up there not once, twice, stay tuned people, don't blow the bubble of the American Dream or you may just Wake Up.
As far as depressing news and reads we don't seem to joke either as a group, some of our Blogs are just like the News, just a tad too much Reality to not get occasionally buried in a pile of shit, I don't feel good doing what we have set out to do, reading what we write about, I look everywhere and I can't find the 'good feelings' anymore, this world is essentially cruel and sad, it's quite amazing the effort we have to go through to deny it, must be tiring as well to keep up with the Joneses of the Feeling Good Movement, I was tired of it, consumed by it, funny though, because this week I was still consumed, just on the other side of the swing, no wonder that between these 2 choices 'feeling good or feeling bad' it's a no brainer what we'll choose, and it's a no brainer how to move us 'en masse' towards desired outcomes, it's called 'Social Engineering'.
Obama stands as the example, it would have felt 'too bad' to put RMoney in Power, what about the poor, the ones that still have only the Dream of a good Life? The world is -apparently- rising against Inequality, we'll keep it down with the Illusion that the Poor Won -again-, there is nowhere else to aspire to, You Poor Ones are already sitting at the Highest Public Office in the World, now feel good about it, celebrate and go back to sleep.
What moved me out of this pitiful useless state were a few points mentioned in the reads I have done these past days, in between Dr. Phil's shows glorifying the 'Happy State' we can all reach if we just make a few adjustments.
One was a sentence Cerise mentioned in one of her Blogs, "I see your Point but I still don't Care"
"Sure, we may want to keep our word. We may want to honour our commitments. We may want to change the world. But we don't. In order for us to develop self discipline, we need to start by actually forcing ourselves to walk that which we have committed to walk - there is no other way."
It's the forcing that stroke a cord inside me, because there is no other way to say this, it won't happen unless we FORCE ourselves past our resistances to stick to our commitments, it is not something we seek or look forward to because 'it doesn't feel good', which proves the point that we are driven by a make belief internal reward system for quick biochemical fixes, basically we are drug addicts unwilling to give up our drug of choice 'happiness', we don't even realize what goes on inside of us that generates the 'happy feeling', well most of us don't, Big Pharma does, this is why they have concocted chemical cocktails to 'regulate the happiness output', they call them 'mood re-balancing', they move us from sad and hopeless into happy and chirpy, at least we function, we can get back into out slot in the system and stop the questioning.
What if we realized what is really happening to us, the manipulation, the Mind Control on the swing from Fear to Happy, that would be quite horrifying, imagine waking up to the truth of this reality of what we made out of it, of being forced to being born into the consequences of an existence that is deteriorating as we write, where nothing is Real, from Human relationships to Politics, to Food to the Healthcare System, we do see what is going on, but Happiness is such a drive, it is more, it's a Driver, the one that runs the choices we make, the directions we take, the desires we have and are being sold in our elusive search for Happiness, having equated Happiness with a satisfying life and being rewarded with the accomplishment of a good job.
Hence Desteni stands as the perfect example of how to push oneself, as there is no reward or happiness to be had in walking a process of Self Correction, both points that I am still accepting and allowing to drive me and my choices, as when I don't have access to Happiness I wish to at least be rewarded, at least see that we are reaching more people, and yet this setup is just perfect, it is a space in which each one of us will grow out of our addiction, it is 'La Hacienda' for the drug addicts we have become, in which we have group support and yet we stand alone, in which each one of us is required to become Self responsible about seeking the support others are writing because, as amazing as it seems, as I live through my own shit, someone writes about it and I see MySelf in their writings, not necessarily as they intended, which is the example of a few of Marlen's Blogs this week, in which each title was a thud on my head even when she only spoke about herself and in fact what 'I read' in the Title had nothing to do with what she wrote, but I read what I needed to read to get back up and moving again, because Self Interest is an Obstacle to real Change, as I seek happiness for myself alone and Self Sabotage is Self Interest, because the Sabotage allows me to just keep doing 'That thing I do' which will have the same outcome that led me here, unless I stop and let go of my delusion and desire fr a 'Happy Life' so I can start living and discover what the Hell Life is All about when I get off the Junkie Train of Emotions and Feelings.
Tomorrow will write out my Self Forgiveness for my Right to my own Pursuit of Happiness