Friday, October 26, 2012

Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest

illustration from a book of fairy tales, the t...

This is a Follow up to my Previous Posts
links at the bottom

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I Don't Need Anybody
Don't you Dare Hitting Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what my mother said to me in moments of anger personally and to believe that if she said those things to me about me, than THAT must be who I was, instead of seeing and realizing she was just venting her bottled up energy on me because I was the only one around with whom she felt 'comfortable' 'letting it all out'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when those moments of anger and frustration built up with my mother, believe that she did not love me such as the mothers from fairy tales books who seemed all so loving and nice and not bitchy and wild like my mother was, failing to see that the fairy tales mothers are just that, fairy tales, designed to make us feel victimized and 'not good enough' while the truth of this world is that most mothers are maladjusted as they juggle many roles with no clue about raising children and how they are in fact impacting their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, after the blow up episodes with my mother, retreat into my mind, thinking up ALL the ways she should have/could have behaved if she DID love me, confirming to myself that I was not in fact loved and using this information to build up Spitefulness in and as me, together with a Character that has Imaginary lists of "Requirements' to be fulfilled as a proof of rock solid Love, according to fairy tales and storytelling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a result of my beliefs that there is 'a right way to love' set Con-ditions to my relationships that had to be fulfilled, because I could not do anything for the 'non loving' attitude of my mother, which was my own definition of her as unfulfilling the 'imaginary requirements' I had set for a 'Loving Mother', but I could for sure set conditions to my relationships and every time they would not be fulfilled I would just walk away, because by then, I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself about the point that my mum did not care about me because I deliberately defined 'caring' as in 'doing something for me' to fulfill ideas and opinions I had already built up about mothers who had to 'sacrifice' for their children and since she wasn't doing enough sacrificing for me to prove her worthy motherhood, I felt entitled to my belief that she was not caring about me so I would build up credits to cash in later by making her feel bad about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, entertain the thought that 'as soon as I could I would leave', because this secret though became a foundation of my personality and how I lived out my relationships, always with a foot in and a foot out, collecting credits until I felt entitled to start my 'I'm leaving' plots first inside of myself and then speak them out loud, leaving the other person in the relationship always insecure, forcing them to then do the things I wanted them to do or say the things I wanted to hear to confirm my value as a Character, a value from which I separated myself seeking for value and Worth outside instead of standing and living as Self Value and self Worth as mySelf, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the crap that I had to do things, attain landmarks, make something of me, failing to see that in the making I separated myself from me as who I am, wanting to be something else, desiring to be more, accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was Not Good enough, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, define my mother as Evil and Cruel, projecting on her my own Self Judgement of myself as Evil and Cruel because I did not seem to have the filters everyone had about themselves and the workings of my devious Mind were quite blatant and easily visible and since I could not deal or handle, or that was what I believed at the time, the Evil workings of my secret Mind, I projected my own self judgement of myself on others, making them the bad ones and myself, at worse, the retaliat-or, a retaliation to which I told myself I was entitled because 'I was NOT the one who started this"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred, become hatred as I built up my reasons why my hatred was in fact justified, instead of seeing and realizing I lived my own Self Hatred as Who I am and then looked for reasons and people I could discharge it on so I wouldn't have to look at how and why I was experiencing myself in and as self hatred, because that would have been the admission that there was in fact something wrong and faulty with me as The Mind but I suppressed it because I did not have the tools to deal with such experience of myself and for believing I was the Hatred I felt and for projecting it on others I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reason why I believed I hated my mum was because, due to taking things she said and did personally, I experienced self hatred as my own unworthiness and uselessness and I experienced myself as 'not being enough/not good enough' to bring balance to this family and my mum, not being a good enough reason for joy or the gratefulness that books about mothers said that mothers experienced in the presence of their children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to this experience of self hatred that I harbored inside of myself as myself and for abusing myself with emotions and feelings, living on a swing from which I did not know how to get off, wishing for a 'happy life' while I lived a miserable one, preparing the road for myself to seek solutions for this perceived encagement onto a swing that ended up in later on abusing myself with mind altering substances, seeking the relief from my own self created experience as I did not know how to support myself effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the starting point of Fear that I was useless in bringing on the 'hahpy Family' of 'Happy days' and I was in fact a burden, to think within my secret mind that I did not need my mum or anyone for that matter, as I feared rejection and the moment in which I would be told 'you are useless, look, you did not help at all to turn this into a happy/Happy days family, go away, go to the boarding house, we return you to the sender' and as such I would build this armour affirming that it was ME not needing HER and then THEM later on, which was not an affirmation of stability as in 'I am enough to myself' but based in fear and terror that they would get rid of me and unless I was prepared I would just break in pieces and would never be able to put myself back together again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up Spitefulness as me, as a result of my own self inflicted suffering that I blamed on others, desiring to inflict the same suffering I experienced, hoping that removing myself from a relationship would cause the same fear and suffering that I experienced in and as myself, justifying my spitefulness as 'natural' because it was natural and human nature to desire to retort and retaliate, as I saw my family do to each other and the justifications we lived in and as such as 'she did this because he/she did that', meaning that it was OK and perfectly normal to 'get back at someone' instead of seeing that this was our sick nature we accepted and allowed and turned into 'the way things are, the normality of our insanity', failing to see that whatever we do we do to ourselves, both the experience we create and the retaliation, which in fact qualifies us for doubly insane, and yet within all the signs of our insanity I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ' this is the way things are' and within the way things are, seek for my place in the world using whatever I learnt to position myself, no matter how damaging or the price I or others would have to pay for it, and for this I forgive myself 

to be continued...

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