Day 331: I am Not No-Thing, yet.

As a group we are walking a Journey to Nothingness that will last 7 years, that would be about the time it took to create ourselves in the first 7 years of our existence.

It is quite scary to realize that we are basically living out all our choices, ideas and beliefs starting as a misaligned system, we have been mis-in-formed about Life and now everything we do is  robotic, having automated the choices, beliefs and opinions of all those that came before us, no wonder this world is the kindergarden of idiocy, we repeat ad nauseam the same choices of our ancestors, history proves it, if only we could see between the lines -the 'head'lines- we are in fact successful regurgitators of lives lived before our own, at most we find new ways to fuck up, we have been quite consistent in that, as it shows from the world that resulted.

Today during a conversation with B. I realized Why we are walking to Nothingness; in a way I have been wondering why we were not in fact walking to Awareness as that would be my assumption of who and what we are, 'we are 'something', right?, but are we? What and who creates this Reality?

We do, not with our Minds though, if we could manifest instantaneously the world would probably be an even scarier place, the Mind instead uses the body, which is The Creator, to establish itself as Ego, and then it provides thoughts, they are not our thoughts until we engage them, until we feed them, until they become Us, we live out the thoughts of our memory banks, we have stored Memories in the body passed on by the generations that came before, either through DNA or direct imprinting, Science has proven that our Memories, our Ill-In-Formed lives, and those of the ones that came before, are stored in the body and those are the generators of thoughts as characters and personalities. That's the only awareness that exists within us so far, the one of our memories and they are set out to survive - no matter what.

What I had  not realized is that I do create my reality, just not as I thought I did, Faith doesn't create Reality, nor the thoughts I believe I can pick and choose from what I have designed myself as, I am the programmer, the writer of the whole story, of course this story is based on my memories, I am just not aware of the details of how I do it all, yet, because as I em-body the memories that become thoughts that mine the physical for energy (you did not think that thoughts could run without energy since everything in the macro world does, so what generates that energy - the physical, we are in fact everyday busy mining our bodies for energy to keep up all the crap with which we entertain ourselves in our Minds, talk about Abusers and we don't have to look very far), I BeCome them and I am not Here but up in and as The Mind, creating alternate realities between which I switch as Characters and Personalities, anything will do as long as I don't have to be Here where I may stop searching for Me -and then what?, quite a conundrum.

There is nothing original about us as systems, we better get that into our little heads, we are so predictable that they could create a GPS software that can tell you where you will be in 4 years time - that should blow your mind, but unfortunately it won't, you will have to dissect your mind by yourself, check out how you designed yourself and fix the broken system that we are living out in and as the World.

On the other hand, Here is everything that ever existed that exists and will ever exist, the only ones missing Here so far is Us, because we don't exist yet, there is a tragic and comic point to this Self Realization, which is that the Ego, which exists solely in Self Interest -check out your thoughts for confirmation and see if they don't just come up to suggest which moves to make, which words to speak, which attitude to show so we can win, be the best, have an advantage-, the Ego believes to be SomeThing, usually something Inflated that has no connection with Physical reality - we may believe in our Minds that we are innumerable things and then when Real Physical Life happens we fail to deliver into the Physical the SomeThing that we BeLieve we are, simply because we are not any of that, we are just  unsubstantiated claims about Ourselves, the Substance of Life which was the Gift we were born with was squandered, we wasted it to fuel our addiction to our imaginary life-styles and imaginary characters and personas.

Any 'awareness' we have at the moment is an outflow of the delusions of ourselves as our own creation, at the best at this stage I can only be aware of what I Think I am or BeLieve I am or Remember I am, and not even that in full, we see only the tip of the iceberg and everything that we think or believe to be was created within a faulty starting point, the point that we had to go and look for ourselves, which took us away from Here, and as I spent my resources, as the seed of Life, seeking and aggrandizing the idea of myself and did not grow into a Tree of Life -yet- but into a Tree of Good and Evil, living Duality as Me, always in conflict with myself, Life as Me as substance  was being con-sumed. 

I am the very Creator of Consumerism by default.

So far I am just a system, I must accept this and stop the fight to try and be SomeThing else, there is nothing wrong or bad about being a system, I am a system simply because I exist in relation to everything else I ever created a relationship with, this is why my existence after so many years on earth has become robotic -did anyone else notice this about themselves, how we keep repeating the same patterns, how we keep destroying ourselves one way or another -look at how we age, it's really nothing to be proud of, many have seen parents or grandparents age and die, didn't you notice how old people shrink and look like dry raisins...mmhh, why would that be?- as we try and prove that there is something more than Here that I must look for, that there must be something more than Me, because I am just, simply, not enough.

And how do I know I am not Enough? Well, I said so, sometime, somewhere, by saying that there should be more than Here and there should be More than Me - and Now, there it is.
What now? I have created it, I have to undo it, we start by stopping to return to No-Thing, it's best that way, there isn't much to save Here, if we return to a blank slate we can treasure what we have learnt, that in Separation without consideration for everything that exists as MySelf nothing works and we'll end up into Abuse. Of a heavy duty kind.

So we first have to walk back to Nothingness, No-Thing-ness and when we stop believing or desiring to be Somethingness or HighNess or Worthlessness or anything that we have used to justify why I was in fact incapable to stand up and embrace existence as me and change me as existence, at that point we'll have done 1 leg of the journey and from there, from No-Thing-ness we can rewrite who we are going to be, better get our Information right this time, so that we can all fly in the same direction, In-formation as Life, for Life, because any SomeThing that stands between ourselves and the Whole as Oneness in Equality, must go and in No-Thingness we may see that we were always Here, that there was  No-thing to look for, because only NoThing can move out of the confinements and definitions we cast on it as an evil spell, that resulted in our separation from each other and our abdication of Life for Energy/Money inward and outward.

So, let's make peace with it, we are not something, or somebody, there isn't anything waiting at the end of our Journey, Life is not there waiting for us, because we are Nothing and always were and unless we create ourselves as Life, we can never be Life or be Alive, we are the Author of this Journey, it will be quite a trip to return to the Nothingness that we were as we remove the shackles of our own The-finitions, our Endings, can we write Life, can we be Life, can we for-Give Life to ourselves and to All Existence as One? Because we can't have what we aren't willing to give to All, as Equals, to have/be Life for me All must have it, all relationships will have to be rewritten within the understanding of what Life is, Life is For-Giving everything to ourselves and All the Rest of Existence, Equally, starting from No-Thing-Ness.

There is a Journey to No-Thing-ness, anyone can join, unless you want to be Some-Thing, make Something out of yourself, prove that you are Some-Thing more than others, then you will never be No-Thing, you will be Some-thing else, just never Life, because Life is No-Thing, its Every-Thing -that is Best for All, got it?

 Related articles

• Day 327: I think, therefore I am Not Here yet.
• Day 444: Can you find 'Your own Way'?

Day 234: Who is Screwing with my Memories?

I have been on this planet for almost half a century.

But I have only about 1 month worth of memories under my belt, meaning, if I had to sit down and bring up my whole life in as many details as possible, it would take me 1 month, IF I could stretch it that far.

Would that be a Life Not worth remembering?

This point of my faulty memory bank always bothered me, where did my memories go, why can't I recall the totality of my Life in detail, my interactions with others in detail, was there something valuable in that iper-giga-byte package that I dumped somewhere that I should be able to recall, what if there was and if there was why would I let it go. How can I learn from a past I can't recall in detail?

I guess those questions just bothered me up to a certain point in my life, together with others like 'where do I come from' and 'why am I here', my culture didn't offer much support in answering those question, we had God and he had a plan, not that he cared to share it, it was like being employed for a job for which no one received instructions weird to say the least, but everyone seemed to think it was normal and as it was designed, kids soon or later cave in. I did.

I moved easily onto the 'we live multiple lives' vs the one life offered by the Catholics, come on, if I were to live just 1 life I would have great memories to treasure of this 1 unique experience, plus it must take multiple lives to learn a lesson that you don't know what it is, it wold be like going to school and always waiting to be tested on something that everyone was careful to not talk about.

As I picked and chose beliefs to align with, I went with the 'we are here to learn lessons' theory, I read somewhere that the world is divided in just so many types of beliefs to explain our Earthly experience:

The Lesson Theory - this includes reincarnation

The Love of God Theory - this was pretty unbelievable

The 3d Playground- this came later as I embraced the New age beliefs of Love and Light

There was a great list I read and can no longer find, as I asked Google 'Why are we here' I saw that there are 669.000.000 results, do we have as many opinions about 'Why are we here' or has the question been asked so many times, like 10% of the world population or almost everyone who has access to Internet asked this question, I don't know. This number surpasses everything else I have ever searched for, it must be something that bothers us deeply.

For myself, I chose the first theory, the lesson theory and when I used to try and push it on my ex -very scientifical minded- husband, he would argue that noone could be here to learn a lesson from a previous life they could not remember. hard to argue with that, not that I wouldn't try and then conclude with 'you just always look for evidence, why can't you just believe we are all part of a bigger plan?' he would not answer but the reply that always lingered between us was 'because this fucking alleged plan makes no sense at all'.

Today I listened to Anu's Interview no 119 "Memory and the Soul as The Creator Intended", which basically answered all of the above questions -the one of the Why has been explained in many other of his interviews- and 2 main points came up, a first point just plain old fashioned visceral Anger, because it seemed unfair to come here without an Instruction Manual, living on a Planet where everyone was separated from their Mind and the extensive lack of responsibility for it, just to learn from those that went before, making it the perfect closet in which one ass-umed could go and rant and rave and store there all kind of shit, understanding that the line between Good and Evil was just to Not do the things one thought about, looking at the world, wasn't  that fucking good enough?

This was a big point, the point of wanting to just get to some desolated lanes and kick the walls and scream and shake my fists up to Heaven, and it did not go away and I will deal with it through Self Forgiveness here below, but the next point that came up as I suppressed this anger -because it was just not appropriate to display it on public transport and no desolated isolated lanes were in sight-, a second point emerged and was just disheartening and overwhelming and triggered a lot of Shame, the point was that we don't remember because we just can't handle what we have done and how we have, deliberately or by default, impacted each other lives and the consequences we created through the way we lived.

Anu said as well that he thought about allowing humans to see the future to see the consequences of their behaviour so they could change and that humans would respond in 3 ways, one of which was My Way, which was to isolate myself and reduce to a minimum my interactions with others, not because I saw the future, I just saw the looping of my behaviors and simply because didn't know how to stop creating consequences and by a certain point in time forward  I became clear about the point that I was only living consequences and the consequences my interactions with others had, and I feared that I was only able to do that, to move like an elephant in a porcelain shop, damaging everything I came in touch with, even when not intending it, a movement of my tail would do and something would be broken irreparably forever.

In an attempt to release myself from the responsibility of the words I have carelessly spoken or even worse, intentionally, deliberately spoken, to harm, to damage, to hurt, I tried to disown and take a distance from the power, from the substance of my words, I denied that words had any meaning at all, I said and argued that words were just empty vessels that everyone filled with Their Own Crap, and in this I tried to remove any MEAN-ing from the words I spoke, to make them in-substantial hoping that since I could not stop shooting, at least I would, by my own choice, force myself to just shoot blanks and limit the damages that I seemed devoted to pursue.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself trying to remember a specific point, moment, dialogue, interaction and when failing being puzzled and confused about it until I accepted that this happens to all, we just don't remember the details of our lives because it's MEANt to be this way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself being asked by my mother, my grandparents, my friends, my partners 'don't you remember?' and for feeling ashamed and bad about not remembering in full what I had said or done, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was a reason and a bigger plan about why we were here and were supposed to learn lessons suppressing the questions about why if I was supposed to learn a lesson I could not remember which points I was supposed to correct about myself and wasn't that weird

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this was a 3d playground, denying the physical and embracing ideas and beliefs and opinions about it, so I could stop asking myself why there was so much suffering in the world and embrace the idea that we chose our lives, even when this point was clearly not sustainable because I wouldn't choose some of the lives the 'less fortunate' are living on this planet EVER

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to believe in the benevolence of this creation because I believed I could not live with the truth that a world such as this cannot be benevolent and that if I existed in the image and likeness of God I should be as non benevolent as he was and I feared seeing myself as Evil

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there must be a reason for our life on earth and that the reason must be benevolent, even in the face of the majority having a negative experience, just because I could not face the point that there is nothing benevolent either in this creation or in ourselves and that we were living the consequences of something that had gone terribly wrong and that I could not remember and I feared this point of not being able to either remember or work out 'why am I here'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's interview about memory and how it was used and how we were used just like stupid dumb puppets, to feel an extensive all consuming visceral existential anger and then look for reasons to validate it because what was done was unfair and NOT the best way to support us to change at all and for believing I had a RIGHT to my anger I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's explanation of the hows and why and then feel the existential all encompassing visceral anger, to desire to dwell in it because it was a rightful anger regardless of the fact that I am aware that emotions and feelings as reactions mean that I am in fact the very prisoner of the Mind for the creation of which I would still like to blame Anu as I fear I won't be able to face myself as this creation and for this fear I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this Creation because I rather blame than take self responsibility, draw a line on everything that happened and forgive myself and all involved equally and start from here to rebuild a world that I am proud to live in and for having chosen once again blame over self responsibility I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that some anger is just too rightful to not participate in, that if I did not participate in such a righful anger I would be abnormal, subnormal, because anger is the normal response pattern to something that I myself judge as outrageous and unforgivable instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is one of the moments where I choose who do I want to be, a rightfully angry person, which means I am not real as I participate in mind construct which have no relation to the physical world if not for sucking out the life of myself and everyone else, or stop and decide I will not give into this anger because it's just a disempowering failsafe to prevent myself from moving consistently out of the Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to set triggers for anger for myself such as my own judgements of something as 'outrageous and unforgivable' and for judging what Anu did as outrageous and unforgivable so I could move into my 'rightful anger' I forgive myself 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this creation, when in fact The Mind is nothing but a filing cabinet in which everything about my Being-ness has been neatly organized and that I can only stop fighting with my Mind and align with it as we together as a partnership walk out of this mess we created while living life in separation from each other and everything that exists

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the moment of visceral anger take over my body instead of breathing and stopping immediately, go with it, because it was a chance to ride an energy rocket of too much of a magnitude to just be discarded for Breath, and for making my visceral anger more importand and de-light-full than Breath, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I felt the moment of visceral anger coming up, instead of taking responsibility for it and realizing this existed in and as me, to look for an external point I could rightfully project it on, because I could, and within this perpetrating this behaviour of rightful blame because I could I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I listened to the following interview about how we all have to give up what we treasure for this 1 life, to still stand as a point of conflict in my Mind with Anu seeking WHAT did He give up that was important to see if we were giving up things of Same Value, and for -upon hearing he had accepted to do these interviews and walk this process, to think 'NOT ENOUGH' and for thinking 'Do you even realize what fuck up you created down on earth, it is your Duty to fix it' and for not wanting to equally take the same responsibiity and thinking he should give up more than me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw that I was lost into a pattern of anger and rightfulness and retaliation, instead of stopping and breathing myself out of it, to keep going because All those emotions combined felt better than the shame that I felt when I realized the point of memory and why I can't remember the whole details of my life, and for feeling an existential visceral shame that I tried to cover up and blur with all the crap I participated in today and for believing all these emotions to be real, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was creating a life of consequences for myself and all the ones that came in touch with me, to move into guilt, shame and self blame and to attempt to remove myself from existence by embracing isolation, hoping that if I didn't interact with others I could limit the damages that I saw I was doing through My reckless irresponsible participation in and as The Mind in separation from existence and everything that is Here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dwell into the guilt and shame of the life of consequences I created for myself and others, instead of, when I found the tools to correct myself, get on with the self correction letting go of the past that I lived when I did not have the tools to take responsibility for myself and even less for mySelf as the whole, and for believing that I have not suffered enough for what I have done I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace a life of suffering in the hope to even out the books, even now that I see that I can correct myself and for believing that this is not enough and that suffering should be the way to go, and for imposing this suffering on myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard the reason why most of our memories are not available to us, to feel a surge of shame and for realizing that it was true and that even though I had no access to the memories, I accessed the shame of my own behaviour and held on to it in fear that if I let go of the shame, nothing of me as what I have done and what I have existed as would remain, and for fearing to lose myself even in the face of a life unworthy to be lived I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I had access to all the minute details of my interactions with others I would be in such state of dismay that I wouldn't have been able to function and that there was a point of mercy in not making our memories available to us, within the malevolent plan of this creation, but that the point of not remembering the details doesn't exempt me from the responsibility to change, because I don't need the gory details of what I have done so far, I have a pretty clear picture of the overall ad that is good enough to walk my change consistently out of the Mind to stop this separation of mySelf from Self as All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself seeking to retrieve a specific memory, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I need to walk my process is Here as me  and that I have clear access to my reactions as thoughts emotions and feelings and in self honesty I can address them one by one until I stand stable in and as Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into existential anger I stop and Breathe, see realize and understand that when I access anger I have blamed or I am about to blame someone else for where I find myself now and that if I do, I abdicate my ability to respond Here not as a product of my Past but as the Directive Principle of Myself in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to suffer as a way to even out the books, through thoughts, memories, emotions and feelings, one way or another, I stop and breathe, see realize ad understand this is a Character I made up so I could feel good about myself for imposing on me the same suffering I believed I had been responsible for and that a Character has no power to change because it's  just one of my Powerless Creations to distract myself from the consistency required to walk myself into stability and an honorable life that works for mySelf as Self as a whole, once and for All

I commit myself to let go of the past and to stop looking for my missing memories as the reason why I can't change, I see realize and understand that what I need to walk as change is Here as me and that memories are not the support I need to change nor are they the key to change, I Am the Key to Self change and I can walk this change one breath at the time back into realignment to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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Day 193: Be Nice! - The Patron-izing of Reality

Reality is in the grips of Positive Thinkers and is being manipulated for 'feeling good", I know how it works to the T, I was one of them, I lived it, preached it and wouldn't have had it any other way. I was Sold, a Sould-Dear to 'sticking my head up my butt', it was warm and comfy up there, I really liked it.

To 'feel good' about this world we have to Not Look at It, there is No other way if we are looking to regulate our Life on Feelings and Emotions as a Guideline, it takes some practice, blindfolders and a dedication to Role Playing, it is the Fifty Shades of Grey of Humanity, Reality is sold out for a sadomaso kit of cuffs and gags.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my mum that ended in this 'ah today is your complaining day, let me take out some popcorn so you can have a go at it' -laugh/laugh-, I was not complaining, I just asked if this World seems All Right following the 'Education incident' she asked me about.

I was aware that I must have started somewhere to brush off reality, I am aware as well that it starts with the Family but I liked to see my mother 'not like other mothers', due to the fact that I suppressed much guilt and shame for our Relationship I have made her a Martyr in my Mind, better than most.

I don't like to think that everything She did was for herself, every bit of "Good' she chased was not for the Good of others, but was for 'feeling better' about this World, that is just sad, the truth of this World is Sad, isn't it?

There is a commmon thread we all seem to follow when we are born in this world, a thread that is woven with the horrors of Reality and our relationship with each other that ultimately ends in denial, not the longest River in Egypt, the other one, the one that says NO to reality, that shouts that the Physical is not Real, that tries to 'HarryPotter' existence into something else.

When she laughed last night and I did not join in I felt a huge Gap taking place between us, I saw clearly in detail as well how it isthat Children are moved out of Reality by Parents, it starts with the 'Be Nice, you know how lucky you are, think of those Poor children in Africa, what do you lack?", which shows as well how we use the Poor and Derelict for a 'Pick me up' they are the 'Tiramisu' of Existence, they make our Life sweeter by Comparison, it could have been me, and yet, it isn't.

This proves that there isn't One of us that is Not Aware of what goes on in the World, we are so aware in fact that we use 'reality' to threaten each other with and to push each other to build up a Nest in our Minds to escape reality, a 'Safe Place' haha, boy did we get this one wrong.

Poverty is in place as a reminder of our Better Place in Society, as the Wand and Bat we use to cast the 'Be Nice" spell on each other which contains the unspoken wide ranging 'or else', that goes anywhere from 'boarding house' to 'out in the street' ragged and starving in the Big Bad World.

You want my support? BE NICE

You want my unconditional Love? BE NICE

You want to live? BE NICE

You want to talk reality? Fuck Off, Be Nice, stop the Negativity -no of course I don't mean 'the One out there', I just mean yours, stop bringing up this subject that makes me feel bad for which I will have to patronize you until you STOP, get it, reality is Not the Problem, YOU ARE , so you better change your attitude Missy and align with the way things are, because the system won't change, cant' change, I won't support you wanting to Change this system, if I did it would stand as a testament about My Fuck Up and WHY didn't I, and I won't have any of that. Get that Clear, Missy.'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when my mother told me as a kid to 'be Nice' she was being a good person trying to teach me about Good Manners and how to respect others, instead of seeing she was asking me to shut up and never raise subjects that were moving emotions of unconfortability and inadequacy first within her and then within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'being Nice' is better than 'being Not Nice', instead of really seeing what both these statements meant and what they implied as the blind Acceptance of this System and how Acceptance and Allowance is the very thing that is keeping this system in place the way it is, and how the System has turned everyone into the jailers that keep others in place, no longer requiring any force because the jailing has become an Inside Job that we took on from our Parents when we grew up

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to believe that my mum was 'good at heart' because I wanted something 'Good' in my life to hag on to and I feared letting go al delusions that are Family related and stand alone in this World having to face the Ugliness of what we have accepted and allowed in the name of Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my mum 'Good' in my eyes out of the Guilt and Shame I felt for how I handled my relationship with her, not seeing, realizing and understanding that if we are on this Planet, we can't be Good and no one can be trusted until All of Us walk out of our Mind Consciousness system that seeks only self interest, to stand for what is Best for All, as Life, as One and Equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that kids are patronized into existence, which means owned as Patron is the Master of the Colonies and Plantation, where the seeds as children never had a chance to grow up to be the best they could be because the System through the Parents told them to 'Be Nice' and not make waves of any kind that could upset the Status Quo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that we never grow out of our education and the proof is in the British Etiquette for when we share a table and agree that we won't talk about Religion, Politics or Money, which is not so as to not have anyone upset, but so as to not have the System upset by people getting together discussing their Mind Control and how did we end up believing that the World the way it is makes any sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'Be Nice' and pass on this desease to other kids I interacted with when Being Nice meant that we had to be something else, do something else and mainly accept things the way they are without making a 'fuss' about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my mu last night said 'no, it's not that I don't see this World, I just accept it' feel a void inside of me and then when I saw THAT sentence as how I myself moved into acceptance of the World as it is to feel annoyed and patronizing toward her, wanting to say 'you don't know shit' just because I felt patronized by her speech that said 'I don't stand in your way to wanting to change the world, I hope YOU do, I am here waiting for you to do it' but regardless of her words what I heard was 'go on little system, go and face the truth of this unchangeable world then YOU'll see WHo has lost touch with Reality'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel patronized, because this word means owned, which means I have accepted and allowed myself to be owned by ideas and beliefs and the gicing up of others, aligning myself to 'giving up' and Being Nice and Positive because this is what will keep this system in place, the Happy Slaves we have become under the Imaginary banner of Freedom, when in fact we have never been Free and as far as Happy goes, we have managed to be biochemically Happy and that would be about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when I see that I don't want to see my mother this week end but then 'I think' maybe is because I want to retaliate, it's because I want to patronize HER now and cast her aside for Being Nice and for having become a convoluted bundle of emotions and feelings that I am not discerning clearly and for not trusting myself and my self honesty I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, to always have to think things over before I make a decision, because I believe that I don't know what I want and now I believe that everything I want could be tainted with an agenda that I am not yet able to see in full and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it makes any difference if I se my mum or not this week end, instead of seeing and realizing nothing that happens outside has any power over us, unless we decide it does and for gicing my power away to outside events, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be moved by external event, by someone outside of myself into thinking or feeling something, when in fact no one exists outside of me, but the World as a Mirror, to point out where I am still holding on to Ideas and Beliefs that keep me in Place, being Nice against All Odds and for asking others to Be Nice to me as a way to secure for myself 'Good Feelings vs negative Emotions' I forgive myself

I commit myself to stop my existence as a brick of the being 'Nice' movement as I see, realize and understand that being 'Nice' is a way to support this system and not make waves, it is a way to separate myself from this system in fear of rejection,  in fear that the system can't be changes and I better align myself through niceness to not rock any boat

I commit myself to stand for a Change as the Change that is required in this World, owning the point that we are the bricks  that needs changing and we need to turn our existence from a flimsy make belief into Matter, because only Matter Matters and each one's change into a substantial existence is required to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, for a real Change to take place for All.

Related articles

• Day 191: Mind Control - The Dark Side of "Hope"
• Day 64 - Facing the Reality
• Day 91 - What Moves Me?
• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion
• Day 193: Punishment Fits The Crime
• Day 200: After Death Communication - Part 49

Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers

A prime number is a lonely thing.

It can only be divided by itself or by one, and it never truly fits with another. Paolo Giordano

This is from an Italian book whose title immediately resonated with me, I have not read it bar from this excerpt which just made me react as much as the title.

Solitude is a theme in my life, I guess that when we define ourselves as loners it is to just bring up 'the good side of it' and the inherent understanding of the choice, a loner chooses to be alone is not a left over or left behind or unwanted, no, it's deciding to not socialize, to not have relationships, to not cultivate friendships any longer, but is this true?

I was born an only child, due to circumstances I spent a lot of time alone apart from the imposed social activities such as kindergarten and school. My mum used to say to me to go down and play with the other kids either in the courtyard or in church, where there was some space for kids to get together and do social stuff, like playing or sitting together chatting and telling stories

My experience of my mum wanting me to go out and play was not something I enjoyed, it always had a bitter taste as I believed she desired to cut some space for herself, it was not about me, reinforcing the point that I had not been a wanted child and that she enjoyed herself more when I was not around.

So the point of being 'pushed ' to go and mingle left me with the experience of reject and not with the sense that there was in fact anything interesting for me to do out there, I had the sense that I was asked to socialize to prove that I was 'normal' such as in 'like the other kids' so that my mum would feel good about herself and what she was doing 'right' to raise me a dependent human being just like everyone else.

I started to briefly enjoy socializing when I realized I was a natural leader, even when I did not try to be one, I would soon or later have followers, for sure as a kid this could have been due to being the wealthiest family in a poor neighborhood but it happened in school as well, where no one knew how wealthy the other was so as we all wore the same uniforms, there was this point of enjoying leadership and then fearing it, I was pretty clear that I did not know what the fuck was I doing or where I was going with my life, having followers to nowhere was scary and risky as well, once we would all fail to arrive at the imaginary destination they had believed I could lead them to, what would happen then, major loss of face for sure.

In time as I developed my main relationship with Pot as a friend, lover, and the centre of my life, this desire for loneliness increased. Every time I was faced with a chance for a relationship I would get almost sick with worry about how I was going to share the space, what would I have to give up of my insane unstructured life, how did a 'normal 'life looked like? My idea of normality ended with 'Happy Days' that would be how I imagined normality to be, a loving family, nothing to be desired, friends and a structure that was set up by parents that I would have copied and made mine, which was not my case.

This desire for structure and non structure was the result of feeling oppressed in my family, all eyes on me as the only child, the prime number, everyone wanted to put in their 2 cents about life and how to best succeed in it, obviously, on principle, since they all seemed raving mad, I discarded any advise or perception of structure for myself, from education to living arrangements.

Interestingly I have always functioned better within a structure, I even thought maybe I should enroll in the Army at one point, be FORCED to structure up, not that I was not able to, because in fact when I set my mind to it I could make my time and life easier and more rewarding for myself and my management and organization skills were pretty exceptional, I just didn't want to, I didn't want to join in the madness and I was not sure how everyone had gotten themselves there, so, just in case, I would draw for myself an unstructured rebellious lifestyle, I would do anything I wanted whenever I wanted, bar the time I had to put into the system for money.

Hence relationships became a burden, a moment of facing the unstructuredness of myself as shame as not being effective as having not designed for myself a life that would draw from my potential what would have been best for me and best for all, but a fuzzy living, with fuzzy focuses and the desire to never be confronted about it.

There is an issue about Fear of Loss as well, people fight and they are no longer friends, couples divorce and the love story ends, people die, dogs die, everything ends, it is a big commitment t put anything into something so uncertain that is bound to finish/end and leave a great huge unmendable hole, honestly what for?

And the extensive effort to make it work, much ado about nothing, what a great idea, let's NEVER do that, let's prevent this business of forming relationships, I don't need to, I don't need anyone, I don't care if I miss out on a few fleeting moments of joy, that too shall pass and with each relationship I become less, there is less of me as I mold myself to fit in, to make it work, to round the corners of myself so as to not bump into each other and create harm, I knew I had internalized some of the moments in which I saw my mum going for the words or the slapping that would hurt or harm me, or desiring to, I saw the demonic face of humanity in my family, in my own mother, those memories existed within me, laced with fear and hatred, I was not sure where they were stored or if they were no longer there, if that was NOT who I was, what if I was THAT? Because for sure my mum did not WANT to be like that, no one wants to be BAD and unleash their Demons on themselves and others, what if we could NOT prevent it, how to stop that, how to change that, what if I was the apple of the Demonic Tree?

And so the solitude and the desire for solitude began. And the Loner Character took shape.

I will apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on the Loner Character tomorrow



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