Day 329: Just-ified DisAgreements as Cover Ups for Pettiness and Spitefulness

Yesterday I saw myself do something nasty.

The point developed this way:

I had a conversation that I had anticipated with someone which did not turn out the way I hoped/expected where I would be the centre of his attention and concern, hence I perceived a diminishment of myself for which I did not want to take responsibility, then I used this point of diminishment to try and diminish him on something he believes in, justifying the point by insisting with myself that he is wrong to believe that particular thing and so I am on a good mission to help wake him up, when in fact I was just passing on the negativity I experienced to another instead of dealing with it ans sorting it out.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when I am not the centre of attention, the top priority, the most important thing in a relationship because I convinced myself that this is what relationships are about after accepting and allowing myself to imprint within me the relationship of my grandparents where they both pretended to be each others' top priority, just to keep up their own idea of what a great relationship should be about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as spite to an extent that I have created ways to justify why my spite is in fact good meaning no matter how clearly I see the point that is unfolding within me instead of addressing the point of spitefulness and stopping the pattern once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and judge myself when I accepted that I had to look at why I behaved in such a way instead of seeing and realizing that both guilt and judging myself are my way of feeling better about myself because at least - I am feeling guilty and judging myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the point even when I saw what originated my crusade against another because I did not want to admit that I was petty and spiteful and that I had allowed myself to be swept off by emotions and feelings as a consequence of having invested energy in anticipation, projections and expectation of an outcome that did not manifest as I wanted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a cover up for my pettiness in which I can justify why I am upsetting another based on what I now know to be The Truth, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am dealing with someone whose religious brainwashing has priority over his common sense and for not seeing realizing and understanding that such religious brainwashing is cult-ural and very hard to break through and that if I did not want to soon or later have to face this point, I should not have accepted and allowed myself to engage in a relationship based on hopes and expectations that I would be able to make it work - because I am working on myself - which is just another expectation, projection and hope that I have not substantiated yet enough to be able to support another as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin a relationship without considering all points and if I was able to stand stable and to support another as myself in breaking through the Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have more right than another to take an axe to a whole personality construct just because 'I don't like it and it doesn't make me feel comfortable' without seeing realizing and understanding that as I exist at the moment only as a complex ensamble of characters and personalities, so do others and that I need to consider my words when I have an exchange with another, because words are real and the consequences of my words I am not yet able to assess on a timeline in real physical time in all their dimensions and as such I should refrain from speaking or writing when it is clear that I do not have a starting point of wanting what is best for all but just what is best for me as an energetic outcome

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compete with someone else's God for attention, just because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in my relationships I must be the centre of my partner's life and that not even his God can come before me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have no good reasons for what I did such as 'open his eyes' or 'make him aware' and that those were just cover ups so I could vent my frustration for having had second place, third in fact because he had to go and do something with his brother before chatting with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that if I am competing for attention with something I believe it's not real, such as God, I must not be Real either or I must hold believes as delirious as those of the other person that I have not yet uncovered which is another point that I should have realized when I accepted and allowed myself to become uppity and righteous about my indisputable position as the bringer of truth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that there is nothing benevolent in taking an axe to other people's belief systems within an energetic starting point, because they are systems and in fact systems that allow them to exist without which they would crumble and break and that it takes patience and an awareness I do not yet have -if not in my mind delusions- before being able to support another as myself and I am not there yet

When and as I see myself starting to accumulate energy as frustration for not having my way, the first place, being first, being on top of the list of priorities of another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am engaging a system and do not allow myself to step into it because I know where this system goes and the consequences I will have to face if I do engage it

When and as I see myself building up expectations and hopes on the outcome of a meeting, a phone call, a chat with whoever, I stop, breathe, remind myself that reality is not comparable to fantasy and that building up any expectation, hope or projected outcome leads to a disappointment that I am likely to blame another for, instead  do not allow myself to participate in imagination with relation to a future outcome and breathe myself back here until the desire to do so is overcome

When and as I see myself desiring to teach a lesson to another about their belief systems, I stop breathe, see realize and understand that I am just being spiteful no matter what cover up I attempt to choose to pretend I am in fact offering support, instead I see through it and do not allow myself to speak or write until I am sure that I am not reactive in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself beating up on myself for what I realize I have done, which I saw unfolding but did not take the time to stop and investigate because I had a cover up 'ready to go' to use as my excuse about why I was justified to act in such a way, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to participate in guilt or shame as I see realize and understand that guilt and shame feed the mind, instead I breathe myself back here and write myself out to make sure I do not engage the same dynamics should the point arise again

When and as I see myself desire to procrastinate writing myself out because I believe I have it all sorted out in my mind, I stop, breathe, don't listen to the excuses about why it's not required for me to write myself out and specifically if my behaviour has involved, involves another that I may risk to impact again, instead I sit down walk through my excuses and write myself out in SF and SCA to make sure I do not repeat the same patterns again

I commit myself to stop my existence as this Character personality seeking for attention and for recognition from others by writing myself out until I can walk through this point in the physical as Self Correction, standing one and equal to my mind and my physical body, for myself and all of existence Equal and One

Related articles

• Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.
• 211: ImPosing My Mess (Mind) on Others
• Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You
• Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership
• Day 313: MEAN-ing-FULL Relationships

Day 313: MEAN-ing-FULL Relationships

OK, so facing this repetitive pattern specifically with men.

In the past when I had a relationship, began one or was about to, I would always look for signs about 'how a man made me feel' to evaluate if the relationship had potential.

In this I would accumulate proof generally to show myself that the man in question was not good enough because he did not do enough to make me feel good, would not call, send messages, say the right thing, give me the right importance.

I have seen myself walk into this pattern again and feeling resentment toward myself for not being able to stop but instead justifying why it was 'the right move' to check out all of the desired variables a man was meeting or not in my mental scale of disturbed values.

I say disturbed because I have noticed how I am able to delete perfectly good moments of sincere sharing and physical intimacy based on missed expectations and on that point alone how I start to build a whole case against someone, bringing in all of the reasons why it is ME not interested and not them and this accumulates in so much backchat that at the next change to talk or share a moment I am too resentful and spiteful to be in the moment to instead live the moment for what it is and not what 'it should be' according to my Mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for participating in this pattern even when I realized I was acting out a preprogrammed well known script that has never led to anything more than grief for all participants instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can choose to not participate when I see clearly what is going on because it is up to me to decide who I am in each moment of breath

When and as I see myself triggered into this pattern of wanting to accumulate evidence against someone to prove that they are not doing what they would be doing if they really cared, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is me that must really care to stop my existence as self destructive and destructive patterns and breathe myself back here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of any relationship I meet that I enjoy instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I participate in this fear of loss I will feel justified to start to build a case against someone so that I am the one not interested and as such hoping to be able to stop my 'fear of losing' because I am the one deciding I don't want the relationship and not the other part

When and as I see myself starting to fear losing something/someone I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that that what I really fear is the feel good moment I have participated in because I am aware that if I participate in 'feel good moments' I will have to face the 'feel bad moments' instead of bringing myself back here in and as breath and the moment I live which doesn't need to be energetically defined but just a moment like any other in which I participate in and as myself as breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my participation in this specific pattern of wanting to accumulate evidence of 'wrongdoings' based on unexpressed expectations that someone should mindread and comply to is insane and that I did not like this pattern when it was done onto me by my mother and my grandmother/grandfather as I was growing up where I ended up fearing every single word I said because I was never sure I could see all the dimension of a word and of a moment and how others could use it against me and as such, having been the recipient of such behavior I stand clear about not wanting to keep perpetrating this on others by looking at their words, actions or non actions on which I can superimpose meanings that are just my MEANings and then blame them for what I have interpreted vs what they really did or not do as I now see, realize and understand that I am just replaying a behavior I never wanted to question because I feared questioning the sanity of my actions and mental processes in fear that I would have to admit that I did turn out just like my mother, even though this was the last thing I wanted to do

When and as I see myself starting to accumulate imaginary evidence of others' wrongdoings, according to what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'wrong/uncaring' I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen, realized and understood that this behavior is based on self created definition of me as the mind and not what is best for me within what is best for all and I stop participating in and as my mind, forgive myself and move on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when an expectation I have created in my mind goes unattended, to accept and allow myself to become spiteful and think how can I get back to the other person so they too may feel let down as much as I do and within this for finding always new and creative ways to try and disguise the fact that this is what I am really doing when I think 'I won't call now until...' or 'I won't send a good night message' 'I won't call him/her anymore', so they will pick up how utterly disappointed I am at them, just like my mother used to do to me, instead I stop planning and plotting my imaginary 'lighthearted' revenges as I see, realize and understand this is all my own doing, I am the one who has built up the expectations and then I am the one who has believed in the perception of being let down and then I am the one who is designing the 'proper revenge' when there is just the need to dismantle my first starting point, the expectations, so there is nothing to imagine to be let down about and I won't drive myself through the whole pattern as a copycat of what I went through as I grew up

When and as I see myself wanting to take an action or a non action based on a desired retaliation for what I perceive someone else has done/not done to me, I stop, breathe, do not accept myself to participate in this pattern of revenge and retaliation no matter what excuse I see myself come up with to justify why it is not revenge or retaliation but just ............ and bring myself back here through breathing until I am no longer possessed by thoughts, feelings and emotions before I take any action including a non action.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire specific relationships that have to manifest in a specific way according to my own specified good or bad signs/omens as I see realize and understand that I was never specific as I believed myself to be, but just brainwashed into believing that 'those' were signs of things that were funtioning properly that I piled up from movies, books, dramas and have nothing to do with reality and real relationships in the physical of which I still know nothing about and that I have to give myself a chance to live and learn to self express beyond the limitations of my own accumulated knowledge and information

When and as I see myself looking for signs in a relationship that things are working out according to my preprogrammed list of 'good signs', I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have never had a successful relationship no matter how many good signs/omens I have found to follow and as such 'good signs' cannot be what I base my decisions for a relationship on and I will have to explore instead what is really supportive in a relationship with another human being and that can only happen if I do not allow myself to limit myself by 'signs/omens' but investigate by digging into the reasons, the motives, my starting point for everything I do beyond my comfort zone, until I clear myself enough to be able to assess what and if a relationship can bring to the table that can benefit me and all the party involved and be willing to let go if the points of support for both are not yet in place, until I design myself as a point of support and a point of self support that can stand equally stable alone or within a relationship.

I commit myself to unravel what I have created and defined as 'good relationships' so I can stop existing as a clone to what others walked before me and defined and then I took on as 'the truth' as I see realize and understand this is only my self defined, accepted and allowed truth with no foundation in the physical reality and I can let go what doesn't serve what is best for me within what is best for all to stop existing as a pattern of limiting beliefs, ideas and definitions that I then have to live out instead of learning how to self express Here stable in every moment of breath.

Related articles

• 172 - Fulfilling Self Interest in Relationships
• Day 290: Understanding & Facing Consequences
• 176: Innocence Masking Blame
• Day 135 - Seeing the Reflection of Myself
• A process to Self Respect and Integrity - Day 366

Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest

One Day I'll Fly Away


Physical Reactions

• Stomach tightening
• Chest tightening
• Feeling constricted in breath
• Heat in my face and ears

Consequences

• Emotional build up
• Toxic relationship build up that as it became heavier I no longer knew how to address
• Overactive Mind activity
• No trust in others as I didn't trust myself for my extensive back chat against my mother even though on the outside I 'looked normal'
• Not wanting to get close to anyone for real because if my mother had a desire to hurt and harm me, what about strangers, how could I ever trust anybody for real?
• Fear of relationships and commitments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through accessing my 'I don't Need Anybody' Character to go into physical reactions such as stomach and chest tightening, accepting and allowing my breath to become constricted, perceiving the heat rushing up to my face and ears in rage as this Character is born out of Spitefulness and the desire to Harm and for entertaining this Character to the point of Physical discomfort of myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, through pride and the desire to be superior, in fear of being weak and inferior, embody this 'I don't Need Anybody' Character', careless of the Consequences I would have to walk by my own statement that 'I don't Need Anybody' when in fact I was a wreck always needing somebody to prove my worth and my reason and purpose for my existence and for giving up on myself as myself in favour of a Character out of Fear and the desire to retaliate, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I embodied the 'I don't need anybody Character' move into my backchat, feeling authorized by my 'not needing anybody' to build up reasons why I was right and someone else was wrong so I could sustain the point that 'I did not need to need them' as they were wrong-er than me, faulti-er than me, and through this build up of toxic backchat put myself in a position where the possibility to express myself and go back onto my steps to self correct, diminished exponentially, as I wanted because I did not want to have to look at an event, see how I had abused and take it back but wished to blame it on someone else instead, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Consequences for myself  and others to walk as a result of creating, embodying and then believing to be the 'I don't need anybody' Character and for subjecting myself to toxic build up due to my own participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I looked for justifications and excuses about 'Why I REALLY didn't need anybody' create an over active Mind, in search for reasons, faults, mistakes that I could store away for that moment when I would step into this Character and I would be searching for the toxic/dirt file on somebody so I could, apparently, rid myself of them from my mind, never seeing how unsuccessful this all movement was and insisting throughout my life, upping the toxic upload, storing poison that I hoped would one day kill them so I would not have to face the regret for the things I did wrong that I did not know how to correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own backchat, believing THAT THING could not be me, believing it was just a defence mechanism I was entitled to because I was sure everyone else was doing the same, I KNEW my family was as I had gotten slammed with the toxic/dirt files they held against me, and even though I experienced the constant crippling fear of an existence under scrutiny wondering what did I say or do during a day that had been filed up into the secret mind and toxic/dirt archives of my family for future uses, I did the same to others, believing that this game was just about WHO could store more toxic information to win the final battle, not realizing that as I wished to win the final toxic battle I had to accept and allow myself to become the most toxic of them all, and for this I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to a point of such distrust of myself due to my toxic files that I could no longer trust anybody 'out there', while in fact I simply did not trust myself in here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as I perceived her first blow up as a personal attack that mined my safety and since then associating every blow up of anyone to myself personally and to FEAR, moving into adrenaline discharges so wild that I would physically shake as I attacked back, perceiving the damage I was doing to my physical body and yet unwilling to stop because really 'I didn't need anybody' after all and I had to get even! Even at the cost of my physical body being harmed in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I did not trust myself and the inner workings of myself as the Mind, be suspicious of each and every relationship, always wondering what THEY were hiding from me, when in fact it was me hiding from myself stuff that I feared I had stored somewhere and then hid so I would not have to feel the shame of all the skeletons in the closets I filed in perceived 'self defense' turning myself into a cemetery of memories, an archive of horrors from which I feared I would never be able to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Isolation for myself as the Character that 'doesn't need anybody', fearing human interactions and ultimately what I would do as my imaginary 'Contingency Plans' whenever I had a chance, and within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lead a life in which I feared myself and others, One and Equal.



When and as I see myself interacting with someone with whom I have built or I am in the process to build a relationship with and see myself tempted to move into my inner aloofness which activates my inner evil archivist, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer wish to live like a repository of others' 'perceived' mistakes and falls instead I bring myself back here so as to make sure that I won't be filing information in and as my 'Inner Evil Archivist' Character, but instead will be present Here in breath to grow and expand myself and another with me One and Equal through Self Honest, Secret-Agenda-Free interactions

When and as I see myself moving into fear or about to move into fear that a relationship may becoming important, I stop, Breathe, see, realize and understand that I am Equalizing myself to make All relationships of my Life Equally Important as in relationships I care for, and that there is nothing to fear such as loss of the relationship or myself, but instead an opportunity to become intimate with another in Self Honest Shared Presence

When and as I see myself fearing the loss of a relationship or of myself within a relationship, I stop, Breathe, I see realize and understand that only Characters can get lost and only Characters Fear and that if I keep myself coming back to Breathe consistently I can develop the relationship with myself that I have always been seeking and that I can never lose, no matter what

When and as I see myself trying to brush off someone or a situation through my 'I don't need anybody' Character, I realize I have activated a fear as I stepped into this Character, so I breathe through the Fear,  breathe myself out of this Character and I investigate what triggered the fear so I can address the point and brick by brick, dismantle this Character and its useless existence

I commit myself to investigate this point until I no longer wish or desire to step into this Character and to see which triggers still exist so I can address them all to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character
• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 175: Last Days of Our Lives - Leaving Last Vegas

This post is Private

Published on the Desteni Forums under Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 67: Spitefulness as Me

I have had a fall out with a friend, in my mind at least, yesterday she posted something on her wall that said

Respect yourself enough to walk away

from anything that no longer serves You,

Grows You or Makes You Happy

I am not going to take on this sentence for it obvious energy based content that shows that we just use people and we do it blatantly and this is a sentence I would have wholeheartedly supported as well until some time ago, before meeting Desteni.

Instead I want to see what went on inside of me when I read this, which I obviously took personally.

First, the point that it was about ME, as this would be one of the ways I used to communicate with people, in devious transversal manners and so I project on others my same devious behavior, and since it did not carry my name tag, anything else that followed I have just made up to justify my projection, believing that since I fit this description perfectly as I am stopping myself from engaging in energy games and the belief that it is my duty to grow or Make Other's Happy, I watched as I moved into a devolving, nasty mind loop, in which I sat quietly seething at my computer looking for ways to get back, because this was one of my greatest hobby, to get to have the last word and show others that I am Right and they are Wrong, especially if I 'perceived myself as attacked'.

So first I had to wrestle with the desire to deconstruct this sentence into what it is and publish it on Facebook and get my 'revenge', I breathed through it, but in truth I did not let it go, because spitefulness is me and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, so I saw myself then looking through the Journey to Life Blogs for sentences that would give context to my retaliation, some tempting ones came from Paul's Blog and the Lightworkers, pity that on the second line Paul stated that we are One and Equal to the Love and Light-workers, so that one did not fit, then I saw another one on Maite's Blog about Meditation, that would hit the mark too, that one I published it, I told myself that I had resisted the temptation to retaliate when in fact I DID NOT, I just went about it in a more sly hidden manner, so I could have my cake and eat it too, meaning I would not have to feel guilty and shameful, pity it did not work out, I got to feel guilty and shameful because I saw what I was doing and did it anyway for that moment of 'Fuck You' and the resulting high that is really hard to let go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate myself with the definition of " anything that no longer serves You, Grows You or Makes You Happy' and to feel off-ended because I used to believe that I wanted to be such a person in other's people lives, no matter if it was all a lie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt that someone would want to ditch me, even though the feeling arose from thoughts that I accepted and allowed myself to interact with and that had no basis in the physical reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ditched and judged as dispensable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the acceptance of others defines me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the acceptance of others instead of realizing I just wanted my own unconditional acceptance from which I have separated myself into the mind of thoughts feelings and emotions while not being Here in and as Breath as Self acceptance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to retaliate in spitefulness every time I perceive myself as ditched/not accepted and for being willing to go to any length to make my point so the other will get to feel wrong about desiring to ditch me or not accept me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful about my suppressed or expressed spitefulness because I can see the harm that it does to me and others and yet I have not stopped myself from existing in and as spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up convoluted stories about my words and deeds in retaliation because I fear the judgement of others/myself about my ugly spitefulness and I cover it up with a million excuses and justifications about what I had the right to do what I did, which in self honesty I can see it was just spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to think and say things like 'you will see or I will make you pay for it' when I was a kid, having accepted and allowed that retaliation is just the appropriate giving back what I received, failing to see that within this I have so far supported and upheld the system of debts that is strangling all of us into oblivion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my perceived debts and what others 'owe' to me according to my own personal system of debts and credits be repaid and in this not being any different from the current Money System where everything one owes has to be repaid and no for-giveness is possible until I begin with my own absolute unconditional self for-giveness of my own and others perceived, make belief debts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that the Money System of Debt change into a Money System of Forgiveness when I have not yet taken care of my own absolute self forgiveness to clear all perceived/make belief debts of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry a the Money System of Debts, instead of seeing I have always and only been angry with myself for my own upheld System of Debts that I have not been willing to let go, because it is through this system of debts that I guarantee the existence of my Survival Ledger on which I hold other accountable for their Debts/Energy that they owe me and for the successful future existence of myself as a MCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself with my own spitefulness to the point that I am willing to give up getting what I don't want to give which is absolute unconditional for-giveness for everybody and myself

When and as I see myself moving or desiring to move into retaliation/spitefulness for something I believe has happened that opened up a Credit for me, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer support the ledger of Debits and Credits of this world and of myself Equal and One and STOP myself from any retaliatory or spiteful thoughts and behavior that is NOT what is best for me or What is Best for All as Life One and Equal.

I commit myself to red flag any point of spitefulness within and as me to deconstruct it into all its parts, until no spitefulness or desire for retaliation/spitefulness exists in and as me, so the world One and Equal to Me can stop its spitefulness and retaliation based on imaginary Credits and Debts to realign to What is Best for All for myself and existence as Life, One and Equal.

Day 60: Rings to Tie and Bind

When I got married I was the one getting the rings, my husband to be was already relocated in Singapore, he sent me the finger measure with a piece of iron wire, we chose them half white gold and half yellow gold and had each other's name inscribed inside.

When he arrived in Milan he tried the ring on and it was a perfect fit.

As a culture (Italian) we place much importance on the wedding rings, I always wore mine until I divorced and in the later years when I had become more lax about it, my husband took it out a few days after the wedding and told me it was just tight and uncomfortable, I felt hurt about that, because I believed it meant he did not love me and did not care for me.

Many of the things I used to believe today seem ridiculous to me, yet I believed them, I put value on two metal rings to define my relationship with my husband.

Women are brainwashed into believing that wedding rings are a sign of Love/value that a man puts in the relationship, yet when I look back, the love of my husband that was less spoken and less advertised than mine was more substantial than mine, while I used these rings to impose dos and donts according to the ringed/slave life we both had subscribed to, because rings are just for that, to define a property , an ownership, this is why slaves had rings on their noses, like bulls, so they could be pulled around and moved where they were supposed to be.

One interesting thing is that in my language the 'ring' finger is called ANUlare, couldn't make it clearer than that, wear your ring slave, now you are Mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value into 'wedding rings'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the wedding ring as a way to communicate my subordinate position in my marriage by wearing it, a sign that 'everything was fine' or to take it off to send the signal that things were rocky instead of communicating what was going on with me in fear that what was going on with me was in fact not acceptable and bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when my husband told me that he no longer wanted to wear the wedding ring and stopped wearing it because I felt he no longer wanted to be with me and that he did not want me because I already carried that fear and then I put value in rings to define my relationship to another being to state that he wanted me or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my husband did not want me and to connect this fear to the wedding ring he did not wear because it was uncomfortable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more secure when we were both wearing our rings because it meant he was Mine and I was His and within this agreement everything was fine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my husband wore his ring to show that he did want to be with me and that he was Mine so I could feel safer and not fear that he was having backchats about leaving me or regrets about having married me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a wedding ring as 'belonging to someone' as something that satisfied my desire to belong, because I believed I was not enough to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about the wedding ring to my husband because I feared he would mock me and that he would see in my desire for him to wear the wedding ring that I was in fact frail and insecure and he would not like me because he married a confident and self assured woman that was no longer around after I left my job and my country to go to Singapore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to own another human being as a way to not have to face my insecurities and my perceived worthlessness, because if I could own somebody I was not worthless and I could feel safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel safe  with myself alone and for needing someone else around in my life to feel safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt every time he made jokes about the 'fucking wedding ring' because I associated myself and self value to the wedding ring and his desire to wear it and to feel diminished by his jokes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by his jokes about wedding, marriage and the wedding ring and for taking them personally reducing myself to feeling worthless and not wanted, instead of realizing I felt worthless and not wanted in separation from myself as in me not wanting myself and not being the Self Worth as Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate men who don't want to wear wedding rings to cheaters while I was the one that ended up cheating twice, even wearing my wedding ring, proving that beliefs and traditions don't make Who We Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about cheating, because I knew he was not cheating on me but I justified my cheating with his carelessness that was not real but just made up by myself having built up images and expectation of the perfect couple, continuously comparing us to them, to the movies to fairy tales and when we came out short in perfection I blamed it on him because I was doing all the right things, like wearing my wedding ring, while he was always away to work to support us and our household

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek my own value into my husband feedback and for feeling diminished when his feedback was not good and then desiring to cheat to prove to him that other men would have in fact wanted me and treasured me, even though the value problem was always mine and he just got blamed for what I was not willing to face and take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad now that I write about this, because the first time I cheated I went home and told him  and told him I wanted to leave with this other man and I was hurt because he did not call me a whore like men of my culture do, but he told me 'that he was sorry to see me suffering' and hoped that I would make up my mind so I would no longer suffer like I was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel loved because he did not call me a whore and slapped me around to show me his passion, instead of seeing that love is not calling a woman a whore and slapping her around to show passion  and that is just insecurity and frustration, yet in him not aligning with what I understood as normal, I was unable to see that love doesn't bind and hurt, doesn't own the life of others but stands and gives what it would like to receive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel soooo bad about what I did when I discovered the other man couldn't even remember me after 2 weeks, and my husband came home from a business trip got into bed and told me 'thank you for coming back to me', that I lived in guilt and shame for the rest of my marriage, even though he never brought it up once but the diminishment of myself had been so big that instead of appreciating this man I went on to find faults with him, so I could lever the field and not feel like such a shit, because I was not even sure that I staid for him or because I had nowhere else to go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip behind my husband back, looking to build an entourage of people that saw me as right, because I felt so wrong that instead of stopping and starting to make things right,  started to make him wrong, because I lacked the tools to self correct and anything I tried from Meditation to positive affirmation never changed me or who I had accepted and allowed myself to become but just compounded my self judgements and shame and guilt that I projected on him as blame trying to take him down from the pedestal where I myself put him in comparison to me and my vile ego and self interested living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally harm another because I was damaged through my own damaging within my extensive participation in thoughts emotions and feelings and because I had not yet found ways to stop and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share my own hell with others dragging them by their hair onto my emotional rollercoasters and accusing them to being emotionally retarded, while the only one that was emotionally retarded was me, having engaged most of my life into emotional turmoil, believing that that was what life was because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that conflict was what life is about and that noone can escape friction and so if friction must be, let me be the winner of the friction competition

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as conflict and as friction, always trying to up my opponent so I would win the Energy/value competition, no matter who I would have to take down in the process to establish myself as the winner, proving that I have lived a life of competition and spitefulness, while blaming others for being spiteful and evil not wanting to own up to my own spitefulness and the evil I existed in and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with my husband for who was better and worse and that when I accepted he was better than me I moved into competing to be worse so I could win at something and not feel diminished by my relationship with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband for how I felt about myself, projecting on him my own self hatred and lack of acceptance instead of realizing it was my response-ability to stop existing as self hatred and lack of acceptance by starting to accept myself unconditionally and loving myself unconditionally so I would stop my existence as a beggar of reasons to 'feel good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good about myself, instead of seeing it was this desire that kept the feeling bad about myself alive and kicking, while I kept myself separated from me as Life Here in Breath as Self Worth One and Equal with everything that exists

I commit myself to stop looking for reasons to love myself for, as I see and realize that self love is not about what I do or how I do it, it's a decision to love myself no matter what, to accept myself no matter what so I can in self honesty build Self trust and no longer lean on others or desire to lean on others to be validated as a worthy human being, as Life Here in Breath exists as Self Worth and I am the one who has gone away in separation through Self Judgements while Life was Here stable in the physical, judgement free in every moment of Breath One and Equal to What is Best for All and everything that exists.

I commit myself to investigate in depth how I have built myself into such separation and to stop my survival in and as separation in and as the Mind to stand as Life Here in Breath, One and Equal to existence and All There IS.

Day 16: I fucked up, I leave You so you won't leave Me

I have had this as a recurring patterns in relationships, it goes all the way back to my relationship with my mum, when my great grandmother told me once that if I did not behave I would be sent to the boarding house.

This was the greatest threat of my life, I must have been younger than 6 because my great grandma passed on when I was 6 years old, the point became that my life within the family system was not assured or guaranteed and therefore nor was my survival, I had to earn it, I was told as well that affection had to be 'earned', isn't it interesting how many words link Love, Sex and Money ?

So I started to keep a mental book of credits and debts, to see how I was scoring on my way to the boarding house or if I could feel 'safe' for some time, just to go back to worrying when I moved, out of the preassigned lines of what was expected of me, good grades, polite behaviour and general submission.

I brought this fear into my relationships, it seemed obvious that if my place was not guaranteed with my mother, who by the way denied this would be the case, only to put me in a boarding house when I was 13 for one year only, because the nuns kicked me out, but yet confirming that I had not earned my place at home, that the problems we had were not worth solving, I could just be cast aside, as a rebellious teenager and someone else would have to take up the ungrateful job of sorting me out.

When I went to live with my first boyfriend it was because my mother kicked me out of her house, I was 19, on my birthday she told me she had not bought me the one thing she saw that she thought I may like, because she believed I deserved nothing, I finally left that evening and moved in with my boyfriend in a room within a family of thugs that lived in my area.

This is another reason why I always looked for men that were more into me than I was into them, as my chances of being 'kept' and not ditched would be greater than going for a man I really wanted that made it clear could live without me.

I had tried out 'the man I really liked' when I was 17 and run away from home' to go to Ireland, where I had fallen for a guy who owned an Amusement Park and was 5 years older than me, within that relationship I lived in the constant fear he would leave me for another woman, as he was attractive and popular and I struggled hugely to keep myself together, to the point that when I run away from home to go to Ireland FOR him, I did not look him up for the first 3 months, and told everyone I was NOT there for him, because that would have been a diminishment of my position of strength inside the 'Relationships Game', and when he finally cam to meet me he said "I heard from everyone you were not here for me, so I did not come to see you, pretty faultless logic.

After that, when I left Ireland and he asked me to marry him, I lost interest, went back to check on him 5 years later and asked him to marry me and he thought I had gone insane, which I had, but not in those 5 years, I was always insane as I was an avid participant in and as the Mind and Mind fuckups, only to blame everything on my mum and how and why I ended up turning out the way I did, a total mess with no hope beyond redemption.

One of my relationship patterns became to make myself  indispensable, when I was very young, through Sex, as that point was clear to me and even why men strayed, so I made sure I was always available, and then later on through taking care of men, from cooking (as my mother was a very bad cook and 'she could not keep a man' as grandma stated in many occasions, so I would not risk any of her 'performance flaws' in my relationships) and generally taking care of the house.

I took this to a completely new level within my marriage, I would fill the house with fresh flowers, come up with new recipes consistently, made up religiously, matched my clothes with my shoes, an almost perfect Stepford Wife, I brought in some of my grandmother's traits and some other traits from women I had met that were successful with men, none of my mum's traits (or so I believed, keeping those hidden and suppressed as I was aware they were borderline on the edge of insanity ) yet my marriage sucked.

I lived in the constant fear that he would not want to be with me, my ex husband was French, he had the traditional French asshole humour which he used to drive home points he was unable to talk about, I was unable to talk about these points too and so I particularly disliked this trait in him as much as I disliked it in myself, so we used to let it build up in our separate secret minds back chats until I would blow up into entitlement having my list of his wrongdoings always handy in mind and always available to replay his assholes jokes until he felt ashamed and wrong.

I was never less of an asshole, I just always felt I was an asshole by provocation.

In my previous relationships, I would at one point find a way to get rid of my men, when the energy high was no longer there and Sex started to become tired, I would move on, I left a trail of unresolved issues that turned into stalking and obsessions that fed my Ego, yet I was always able to justify why I had moved on, I was just honest, there was nothing to share anymore (in terms of energy fixes) so we better part.

With my ex husband something opposite happened, as I felt he was 'too good' for me in many ways and I felt as well that he was not as sick in his head as I was, but I did take him there in 7 years, it took me just some consistent mindfucks to screw him up but I managed all right, this is a point of grief I still live as regret.

The unspoken truth about WHY I behaved the way I did is because I believed he had woken up into this marriage and regretted having married me, but as I was stuck into the marriage in a foreign country without a job, he felt he was stuck into the responsibility of supporting me, and we ended up both resentful and angry pretending to make efforts to make work something that in our secret minds we had given up long before.

Basically, I feared not being wanted, I feared that all my own Self judgements he was now sharing and of course having never forgiven myself, I could never expect or believe he did, so even when we made up between fights, basically, I never believed he let something go, for the simple reason that I did not, I had to hand on to my credit and debts book, that was my survival, it was the proof that I was valuable and I should be kept and not trashed and forgotten like I feared he wished he could do in his secret mind.

So, the pattern 'I'm leaving' started again, 'I'm Leaving' so you cannot leave me, I'm leaving because I have fucked up beyond my ability to forgive myself so how could you, I am 'leaving' hoping you will beg me to stay, validating my existence, my purpose as a wife, a woman that you would not trash just because we fight and we have not yet found ways to talk to each other that are not harmful, I'm leaving because I fear that when I do you will in fact not come and take me back, but let me go, proving that this is what you wanted all along and you just hid it, but I knew it, I could see through you, while in truth I could only see through me and my own judgements of my own behaviour and the conclusions I had come to about myself, that in His place I would leave ME and if I could not, I would wait for me to go, to just close the door and have a party, having watched grief and sorrow walk out of the door to never ever return.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being sent to a boarding house because I was not worthy of the love of my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to work at being worthy to be loved because I accepted and allowed myself to not love and accept myself unconditionally at all times

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother for sending me to the boarding house while in truth I always only hated myself for believing I had  'deserved to be sent there'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and hate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger and hate and love are real as in an energetic expression, instead of seeing that energy is not real, but my self support and unconditional self acceptance as stability Here in every moment of Breath is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with and as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for being sent to a boarding school because I equated 'boarding school' with 'not being wanted, while I could see my mum sent me there because she realized she was not well in her mind and it was best for me to be away from home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate my worth to no worth or I would not have been sent to a boarding house, when I can see this was only a fabrication of my mind in separation of me from Self Worth and had nothing to do with the practical solution my mum looked for when she realized she was not well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about having been sent to a boarding school in fear to show my worthlessness and how I must have fucked up to be sent away from home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I fucked up because I was sent away from home and for living one and equal to the shame of 'having fucked up" and not being wanted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be sent away from all of my following homes in case I fucked up again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to feel safe anywhere as I lived a life of subordination trying to walk the line between being kept and being sent away which resulted in huge suppressions that then blew up using any excuse I could find to vent the energetic build up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for men I judged less worthy than me so I would not be sent away ever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some men as more worthy and some as less worthy by comparison to me, my looks and my house keeping, and my money making ability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had to become indispensable as a way to guarantee my survival within and as the system of Love/Sex/Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of not having been wanted according to my conclusion that if I had been sent away, 'they did not want me around'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partners may not want me around and send me away whenever a moment of tension arose between us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'nobody wanted me' and I was Useless and worthless when my mum sent me away from home a second time when she met a man that molested me and she chose him over me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive a loss of worth because of my mum's choices even though I knew my mum was not well and that what she did or said was often a source of regret as much as what I did and said in my life became a source of regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a pattern of "I'm Leaving' to test if my partner would keep me because I could not trust his secret mind as I knew I was fully participating in my own secret mind and there were many things I would not speak about, like my fear of being left or sent away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone should have 'kept me' to show me I was worthy to be 'kept'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'leave' as a way to find my self worth in and as my partner coming after me because 'he could not live without me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to precipitate myself into worthlessness because my ex husband did not come after me to bring me back home when I packed my bags and left like a thief without leaving even a note

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worthless because my ex husband did not want me back and when he made attempts months after I left and had settled down I made it clear I was not interested and even told him 'I would throw myself out of a window if I had to come back and live with you again like before' because he did not want me when I was down and now that I was up again he could just fuck off, instead of seeing it was me not accepting myself unconditionally when I was down and not my ex husband to blame and my words were just a spiteful remark to show it was ME not wanting me and not the truth of how I felt and within this I forgive myself for speaking these words to him in anger and spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bitch for leaving like a thief without even leaving a note after 7 years of marriage just because I could no longer cope with myself within this relationship that I had loaded with self judgements that I projected as blame on my ex husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause of my husband change for the worse because I blamed my mum for my change for the worse, when now I can see no one is responsible for everyone and I am responsible for myself and I cannot be responsible for others as they are responsible for themselves and what goes on inside of them that brings them to 'change'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak about this doubt and fear I had of not 'being wanted' but to suppress it in my secret mind to the point that after our separation one day my ex husband said 'if I knew how you were I would not have married you' and I took this point to validate the invalidity of my relationship and my unworthiness as a woman and a human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and think of myself as unworthy because my ex husband said he would not have married me if he knew how I was, blaming me for everything that went on inside of himself when we were around each other, as I blamed him, without each one of us taking self responsibility for what we brought up within each other in self honesty and self correct ourselves through writing, communicating and self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my ex husband's forgiveness for what I believe I have done to him, instead of seeing I desired my own self forgiveness that I would not grant myself as a way to prove that at least I don't forgive myself, which makes me good as self forgiveness is just 'too easy' and what about putting in some repentment in the form of self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with memories, thoughts and feelings about this pattern of 'I'm leaving' because I could see I was acting out but never gave myself the time to work out WHAT was I acting out and Why and how to stop myself from existing as this pattern of abandonment and withing this I forgive myself for withholding my self forgiveness as a form of self abuse and punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear abandonment to the point that I would leave first so as not have to face being abandoned, instead of seeing I always feared my own abandonment, my own not standing up and for myself unconditionally, my not accepting myself unconditionally so that from my own unconditional acceptance I could start to dig and see how and why I had designed myself in a certain way and stop my existence as patterns of memories and information to be able to rewrite my past and my future with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear relationships and who I am and become within relationships with the other sex.

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the pattern 'I am leaving' either outside or in my mind, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I have done this many times before and it has brought no solutions but the endless walking of the same play out, instead I push myself to stay and face whatever it is I would rather not look at and face by leaving while I support myself through breathing, self honesty and self forgiveness to walk away from this pattern for good for what is best for myself and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself walking or about to walk away from a person or a task in fear of having to face my sense of worthlessness, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I only exist as worthlessness in separation from me Here as Breath, so I bring myself back Here and as Here in and as Breath I see I exist as Self worth Here One and Equal to Life and everything that exists

I commit myself to work on this pattern of abandonment and fear of abandonment until I no longer play out this pattern so I can build self trust as myself as someone that will stay and stick to anything for what is best for me, as in stopping myself from existing as patterns of the past, and what is best for All which includes me and the unconditional self support I should have given to myself all along but never did, I commit myself to accept myself unconditionally and stand by myself unconditionally so it won't be necessary or required by anyone else to do this in my place.