I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel FEAR every time someone asked me 'how much do you love XXXX(Me), Dear?', and for feeling bad because I was not yet able to generate the 'Love' feeling as in something that felt good and safe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Love questions in relation to Quantity, as when I was asked to specify How Much and show it in a visual manner, as clearly I could not show the World or the Universe with my hands and arms outstretched, I feared that the Quantity I was about to display would Not Be Enough to secure my livelihood and a 'loving environment' which translated in a place where I was allowed to stay, sleep, be clothed and be fed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disloyal when I told the same things to 2 different grandparents, as it was clear that I was supposed to prefer one/love one above the other, and so my display of love should be This Much for One and a Little Less for the Other and Not The Same, because if I made them the Same within the Love Visual display of my affection I was for sure disloyal and a liar to both, where instead of standing and saying I love the other grandma more, first because she is a blood relative and you are not and blood is thicker than water, second because I get more stuff off of her than off of you, yet I pretended to love them all Equally because it would have been unbecoming to come out and speak such truth in relation to LOVE as a Reward System as the first layout of Capitalism (with Love as Value/Worth being the Capital) within the Family
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Blood is thicker than water, as that is the Foundation of our Con-cept of Inequality, where the Family guarantees its specialness with the children and that the System won't Change because there is Us vs Them, Us meaning the FamiLie and then The Rest of the World, instead of realizing we are All Equals and that Blood is just another way to justify why we are not and why we have to Stick to this Bloody System as It IS
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the moments of intimacy and Aloneness with my blood grandmother as I knew she could use those moments to ask me the Love questions that would make me feel disloyal to my mother as well, because I related loving to stuff I got and the permission to do everything I wanted, which I did not have from my mother, and then I would say I love you more than I love mum, because THAT was for sure ENOUGH to secure I could have access to her 'unconditional' support which was conditional ONLY to How Much I told her that I loved her
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disloyal to my mother instead of seeing and realizing I felt disloyal because I embraced some as more important than others and started to divide myself from my family which is LIFE for my FamiLie which was just where I was born
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this Love business within the FamiLie, as the word Love became more and more layered within me with conditions and so I could not understand the Unconditional Love my family was always talking about when I had been imprinted clearly with all the conditions that would make me really lovable vs dutifully loved as a job that they overtook for themselves and that had nothing to do with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about the way I learnt to use the word Love as a word in separation from myself meant to generate good feelings around me, so I could live in peace while everyone got what they wanted as in the declaration of Love vs The declaration of War that we all Fear within the FamiLie structure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated as soon as someone would start a sentence with 'you see, what I am about to tell you is just because I love You' as I knew from experience that there was never anything 'good ' following the 'I love you sentence', and that it was the most vile way to communicate to each other in fact because not only a blow was coming but I was asked to lay down my defences as I braced myself for whatever was to come that for sure would not be pleasant
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word Love within experiences and memories of perceived unpleasatness that was just FEAR that I was unable to decode and name because the Love Word stood in the way of me seeing clearly what we were really taking about
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Love to a desire to be approved and to get away with anything I could say or do, as I grew up brandishing this word against others, as a passe-partout that could open every door, subjecting others as me to the same routine of asking them to put down their weapons and accept the blow that I was about to strike, all in the name of Love
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that LOVE that is expressed in 2 different ways in Italian as in TI AMO, to a lover, or Ti Voglio bene, to a family member, is fishy, since everyone wrote and spoke abut the Universal Concept of Love as a Feeling, yet within my own language we made a difference even between the feeling for the ones you Love to Fuck and the Ones you Fuck for Love, yet the Fucking part was always involved with Love but kept hidden from any conversation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be loved by my family and to love my family, not because the loving felt good, but because in loving I could for a moment Not Fear them, I could pretend that everything was FINE and we were COOL and that no surprises were around the corner to confuse me into 'why the fuck did she/they say/do that for?' as after the Loving Play Out there would be a Break and for some time the hateful spitefulness that was running as the invisible force behind all games was suspended and we could breathe, even briefly and feel some peace
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Love to Peace, as in something I aspired to within my family where I perceived WAR all the time, failing to see I was at WAR with myself, with all the parts of me that I had already learnt to suppress to participate in the 'Loving Game' where I could beLieve that it was in fact Normal to interact within the Guidelines that were set stricter and stricter as I grew up, that it was normal to lie to each other's face and gossip behind each other's back and that was what a family was and that in fact we were the lucky ones that were not tied to the legs of a table or had the face smashed against a wall to leave the sacred Sindone on the wall paint, because we were the loved kids and the other kids were the not loved ones, and so I made myself connect Love with the lesser violence displayed in my family in comparison to the families of some of my friends, who funnily enough, believed themselves to be loved to, and connected the word Love to Violence just to go on and move into abusive relationships seeking for the definition of Love they imprinted themselves with as Love=brutality=Passion
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Violence of the families around me that said that they Loved their Children so much and whatever they did was for their own good, and for living in HOPE that my family would never Love me THAT Much
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I did not display enough Lovability, I would be dumped because as my mother told me, a dog was better than me because the dog wagged his tail, and so somewhere in my mind I connected Love to wagging my tail and to showing lovability as a trait that would guarantee my family and then my partners would keep me and not just give me up for adoption like any bastard that is not lovable enough ends up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory of when my mum said that a dog was better than me, so I could blackmail her every time she would trump the Love/Fear card as I now had a 'get out of Jail Free Card' that I filed away against her, to show her that I may not always meet the lovability standard but you don't too Bitch, and so we are even and my place within the support system is safe and secured
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with thoughts and beliefs that I was not lovable for this one sentence that my mum said one evening when she was tired and I was throwing some tantrum and for not letting this moment go as something that was NOT personal, instead I personalized it on purpose as I feared my family and I believed I would have to start weaponizing myself against them, because they would always fuck me with the Love card and I would have to have a 'come back' line for when the fucking with my head would just cross the line, instead of seeing and realizing that I was in fact in charge of how I experienced myself and that I did not need to fear them and that I had no real reasons to fear them but that I was taking on their Fear through their 'LOVE' and THEN looking for reasons to explain to myself why the fuck did I fear them and so I looked for reasons to make sense of my fears within their actions and words, not realizing that this was NOT how they were passing on the load to me and that 'looking for reasons' was just an additional fuck up that I was inflicting on myself as I layered myself with both Their fears and My Reasons to justify them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that the fears were piling up through the LOVE they were giving me and that the reason why I Feared the word Love was because the word LOVE was for themselves FEAR as well, and that I was reading the History of the Word within them as a child and not hearing the word from which they themselves had separated themselves from, and so no matter how many 'good words' they would speak after the word Love, I would hear FEAR FEAR FEAR, while both would have never been able to explain what the fuck was going on as no one of us was aware of the Truth of Ourselves as The Mind and as The Fear of Ourselves and Existence, Equal and One
I commit myself to let go of my memories of the Fear of Love that I felt as a Child and to let go of the memories that I have filed as an explanation of my fears in connection to Love, as I commit myself to purify my words to stop my separation from myself as Words to return HERE to Life in and as Breath, in and as The Physical for What is best for All, for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.
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