Today I had a visit from a friend of a friend, a fiscal advisor that
lives in my building and that had told me he was interested in sharing
ideas about Natural Medicine.
As I showed him my house he made a few attempts to either hold me by my
waist or over my shoulder, I simply slid out of every attempt but did
not speak up, instead I moved into a famiiar physical uncomfortability,
interesting that now the formal laguage is no longer a step men have to
cross before they try to grab you, hey I can call you Madam and molest
you, something that requires my updating in the customs of this
Country, when I left 17 years ago, the language was the first pass they would have to make to step into informality before they would touch you.
Then when I held out my hand to say bye bye, he grabbed me pulled me
toward him and planted a kiss on my cheek, a sleazy one, my body went into
rigor mortis and so he apologized and told me you are wonderful and
left. How to con one's way out with a con-pliment ? When he left I felt this rage, I was so angry at myself as I saw
myself not saying clearly 'what are you meaning with this behavior, or
something else' right, I did not say anything because I don't know what
to say. I have been molested since I was a kid, either grabbed on buses
and rubbed against, walked in
the park when an exhibitionist wanked himself looking at me and gesturing to go over there, yeah right, for one
year when I was between 13 and 14 I had more molestation than I can
recall, the bus was a place I entered fearing
that it would happen again, as soon as it would fill up someone would
come and rub against my ass, when I went and complained to my mother
she said 'isn't it strange that it only happens to you?". The year
before I was molested in my bedroom by our family friend, a monk who
used to stay overnight that told me to go to his bed for a Confession.
I don't remember even starting the Confession rite, I remember instead
him being horny and grabbing me to try to put his hands under my nightie and forcing
a kiss on my mouth until I stood up and went and locked myself into the
bathroom, sat on the bathtub to think what would be the best course of action, waking up my mother was a nono, what if she blamed me ? She didn't that time, the Monk robe was flying out of the window by the time I reached the courtyard, but that was extreme. My mother saw the other molestations as my fault, I did not wear make up or high heels, never wore a skirt, just jeans and shirts, so how was that my fault exactly. yet believed I must be doing something wrong, no matter what tried, no eye contact, standing against the bus sides, nothing worked, when we could queue to get off, here they were, I noticed that most of them had blue eyes, tried the molester profiling in my head but you would always get the surprise to throw you off, the monk had brown eyes, he was a family friend since my birth, he was really difficult to profile and to be on guard about.
Today I felt the same way, violated, a thing and not a person, when this
man later called me to tell me he did not have my mobile and how could
he send me his number I gave it to him, while my anger
at myself worsened, WHY the fuck would I give my number to this man,
isnt' there a line to draw regarding the Politeness Belief System? Apparently
NOT, I listened to his speech about how great it was to meet me,
realized he had not picked up enough on my body rigidity and pulling
back, when he said what a fantastic time he had and how I was this and that, but in fact I wasn't Hearing anything as I was seething with this feeling of 'how did you dare?' And as soon as I saw the chance I said 'and I am someone who doesn't want any story'.
What a fucking lame line? To which he said 'no, not a story that is
heavy stuff, coffee, chatting, as friends' which means no commitment
just fucking, haha my own line backfired and pushed me into a corner,
well done. Yet the point of the litanies and fairy tales of past
molester staid with me, this sense of hatred that I have suppressed for
men due to how I perceived myself everytime one of these events would
take place, feelings of powerlessness,
fear, no man is a safe place in fact, there are no borders they won't
cross, it happened with one of my mum's partners as well, twice, the
first time I did not tell, the second I did. My mum asked me to leave her house as she said that 'I was jealous of her sexuality', I was 18 and had a boyfriend and plenty chances for fucking, and No, she is Not a comedian.
That was the only time I spoke up in the moment, both the first and the second time.
So what is it about women and Molestation that makes us keep quiet, that we don't want to offend, that we fear we may be judged
as 'sour puss" or 'wooden cunts' as they say in Italy, how did we come
to this place where it is Women who have to justify everything, from
molestation to Rape, to being attacked and abused, what is it that locks us into this perverse dance with the abusers?
Today I am angry, I am angry for all the times I have not stood up to a
man and told him to keep his hands to himself, clearly, no double
entendre to sweeten the pill, just the clear communication that I don't like what you are doing, so why are these words lacking from my vocabulary?
In all my history of molestation apart from my mum's partner, but that
may have been coerced out of me due to the 'family tie', I stood up
only once for a little girl on the bus when I saw a man approaching her
and touching her, I saw it from her face, she said nothing but I told
her to come and sit next to me, I gave him the evil eye and he got off at the next stop, for the
rest I always went for the 'soft approch' when it happened on crowded
buses I would try to slide away, leaving the molester to look for
another victim, with the monk I got up and locked myself into the
bathroom, with friends, colleagues wankers anyone, I have always and
only diverted my attention and tried to 'make them understand' that I
was not interested, choose words to blame me, sorry I am going through a
difficult time, it's not about you it's about me, so I would not hurt
their feelings through a rejection, because hei, even molesters have
feeings, shouldn't we keep that into account?
Actually NO, we should stop considering their feelings AT ALL and stand
up, make it CLEAR that handling women as if they were just things there for the
handling is Not Acceptable, that molesting children
is Not Acceptable because whatever is going on in Your fucking Mind
You/We have got to deal with it, take responsibility for it, and not
go out and just play out on others The Demons that we have let loose within our Minds.
Do you have the desire to molest women, to rub on them, to grab them against their will, to rape them?
Help yourself to STOP, We don't like it, it is your fucking fantasy that
We do, reality is not a Porn movie, when you grab a woman against her
will she will not turn around and Moan to show you how much she likes it or
how long she has been waiting for you as her reason to live, she will instead feel violated,
disrespected as a Human being and then angry at Herself for not having
stood up and told you clearly that it is Not OK unless it is by mutual
agreement and that silence doesn't mean agreement in any way whatsoever,
and that what you are doing is not Sexy,
you are just a DickHead putting your desire for sex above the
understanding that unless is Mutual it's by default a NO and not, ever ever, a YES.
Self forgiveness and Self Commitment to stop this Play out in My Life to follow tomorrow
Thanks for this blog.
ReplyDeleteActually, I have been one to say, keep your fucking hands off me, and the response I get is, "you are a crazy bitch!" lol
And then there are those times, where the breathing of the man is so intense he is already on his way - so to speak- and does not even need to touch you!
It always took me a minute, that sudden sense and question, " Why is this guy breathing so hard......oh. And then I just walk away.
lol