Monday, August 13, 2012

Day 117: It Could/Should Have Been Me - Character

Yesterday I went onto Linkdln to catch up with some requests for Connections. As I did that I took the Option to check who was on it of the people "I used to Know". The Past tense applies because I have not kept in touch with anybody from my past Life in Hong Kong after my big dream to move to Thailand and get rich with LOA and accumulating knowledge and information about Energy Healing deflated into the realization that oopsie, there is something really weird going on with the world  which then led me to Desteni.
On the page of people that I used to know I found 2 of my girlfriends, One when she first moved to Hong Kong from Italy wrote to me at my office asking for a job, which I could not give her because we were a tiny Rep Office but told her to not give up and keep looking, the second was one of my students of Italian, a very dedicated Chinese student that almost mastered the language within 6 months. Both of these women are hard working dedicated professionals, yet when I saw them now covering the position of Managing Director One and Regional Manager (which would be the equivalent but extended to a whole region such as Asia Pacific) I had a reaction, the first reaction was jealousy as I see them living the life I wanted to live and gave up for nothing, the second was looking for reasons why I was in truth better than them and "it should have been Me" covering those positions, regardless to the point that when I did cover that position I threw it away as I went following the delusions of my Mind achieving the total disconnection from reality..and that was about All I achieved. This is NOT the first time that I have seen myself embody this Character, which is spiteful and hateful and will do anything to take others down just about to the level where I experience myself within a comparison that is something I am doing all by myself and that doesn't even want to recognize that my friends have put in the time and the consistency to build themselves where they are now, and that being efficient within the system requires the time and consistency that I never wanted to put in because I was too arrogant to abide by the rules of the system that I have participated in creating through my ow acceptances and allowances of such a world where positions of responsibility are given to those that are willing to play by the rules and not to those who scuff and snubb the rules believing to be above them only to regret the lightness and delusion awith which they lead their lives as the One that is Above it All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable when I saw 2 of my friends on Linkdn covering position of responsibility and for thinking 'it could have been me, it should have been me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous as I projected within my mind the lives they were living in Hong Kong, comparing them to mine having to start again from scratch, when "It could have been me/should have been me" having the easy life that I pictured they are having now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny to myself that I felt jealous because I don't want to admit to jealousy as something I participate in but something I am above to, as I don't want to see what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in as comparison and competition with other women for position of responsibility within the working world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into the nasty character looking for the 'imaginary faults of my friends' so I could take them down to the level of inferiority I was allowing myself to experience myself as, wishing to no longer feel inferior to them through fault finding, instead than addressing my own experience of inferiority through my own comparison and competition and stopping myself through breathing, self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stew for some time within the feelings of inferiority that then led me to desire to compete and take my friends down within the nasty character, instead of addressing immediately what I saw clearly that was going on with me and stopping myself with breath to not allow myself to move into comparison and competition as I know that when I allow myself to play the comparison and competition game I will be nastily looking for other's faults that can give me an edge and a reason to believe that it could have been me/should have been me and the do not deserve what they got

I forgive myself for accepting and alowing myself to create this character of 'It could have been me/it should have been m' when I started to compete for the love and attention of my mother, who was displaying affection and gentlenes to the friends I invited at home and not to me, and while she explained to me that she did it because their mum was not around to do it for them, she would refrain it from doing it to me, to not make my friends feel bad for not having their mum around and so I would retreat inside myself thinking that 'it should have been me/it could have been me' if I just could have done more, or something different that would have to be praisd regardless of my friend's mums not being around and so I would inside myself feel like a failure that I could not do enough, good enough. well enough, to make my mum's praise and gentle touch impossible to not be given regardless of my friends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop this competition side with women for attention and praise, because all the friends I would take home were girls with which I competed for the attention and the love of my mum, fearing that she loved them more than me and that she would rather have them as her child than me, always comparing me to them just to come out the loser everytime my mum would give or do for them what should have been given to me, what could have been given to me if I just could have been more, nicer, more loveble, more special than my girlfriends and with this fear of not being enough, not good enough I imprinted my life and created a Character that always seek to be good enough, more than good, better than to secure my position as someone who deserves to be praised and loved and accepted in fear that I would have to experience myself again as the second choice, B class, pity it was you my daughter and not this one or that one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was never good enough as I perceived myself to not be my mum's favorite but just the daughter she had and had to accept, and within this belief I accepted as real I believed that I had to do more, be more special, original, unique to conquer that elusive Love that I wanted just for myself without having to compete with other kids for it, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this thought that became a belief and turned into a Character that I ended up automating every time I participate in the thought 'it could have been me/it should have been me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not Love and accept myself unconditionally at all times while I separated myself within an existence as Characters and missed out on myself Here as Breath as Life as my unconditional unrelenting Self support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my mum was passing on to me her history, as a child that had not been wanted by her mother, and so she would not do to other children what it was done to her, as being left as second choice within someone's home by their mother and have them Fear that they were not wanted, and that noone has been aware or has been instructed on what it means to have children and NOT passing on to them our history, Fears and unresolved feelings and emotions and that we need proper education for parents to give their children the proper instructions on how to grow up as effective human beings that can in fact love one another and not compete for imaginary good feelings in fear of negative emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because of what I did when I had made myself sick through my own participation within and as the mind and the subsequent suppression through Pot abuse, instead of telling myself that the Past is Over and I can only correct myself now by stopping the Self Abuse of taking myself again and again through everything I believe I have done wrong in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed as a way to square the books of my self defined bad behavior, instead of stopping all definitions of my behavior as good or bad and just moving as the correction of myself that I am rewriting and walking in every breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the choices I have made because I have thought and told myself that if I had not made those choices now I would be financially stable and able to help and support more the cause of Equality, instead of seeing and realizing I am using the cause of Equality as the rightful reason to just bash and abuse myself which means I am NOT in fact stopping the self abuse for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the abuse of myself as the judgements and regrets of my past decision instead of standing as the decision that The Past is Over and that the 'if onlys' of my Life have to go for me to be able to stand Here in and as Breath and stop all self loathing for who and what I have been and have done in the past within my Character Play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play nasty toward women when competing with them, because while I have somehow accepted that I cannot compete with men in the workplace, because they are men and they get to always have the bigger slice of the cake, I have turned into competing with women where I see more chances to win and make it to the podium where I can show that 'I am better then them', instead of being supportive of other women as myself as we walk together out of our accepted and alloweed Inequality of the workplace

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with the ones that I perceive to be the weakest because I want to maximize my chances to win and be more and the best and so I would not go into competition where I believe I would lose and therefore I define myself as not competitive, while I secretly compete where the opportunity to make another less than me is clear and non debatable, because my fear to lose is so great as I fear the diminishment of myself that I would only take on the ones that I perceive and believe I can win against so I can feel more than them and find some value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that value is found within the winning and losing competition, wherein I have accepted that some have to lose for some to win, and within this I have supported the whole system of control of winning and losing within the desire to always be the winner and the one on top

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that whatever competition I am participating with I must be in Character and not in Breath, as I need the Data of a Character to be able to compare and compete with other Characters, instead of stopping myself with and as Breath and consistently bring myself Here, out of all comparison and competition for myself and all of existence as What is best for All

I commit myself to stop my existence as the 'it should have been me/it could have been me ' Character as I see realize and understand it is a Character that I have played out of a frozen memory that was charged with sorrow and jealousy that I perceived to be real and Who I really am, while I see realize and understand that as I accepted this thought One and equal as me, I accepted the whole truckload of emotions and feelings that came with it and then layered them inside of me into a Character that is Not who I really Am as Life but just a Role I played within this Game of Characters

I commit myself to expose to myself how as the thought 'it could have been me/it should have been me' comes up inside of me or is about to come up, I can stop, breathe, no longer accept myself as this thought and the emotions and feelings relative to this thought as I consistently stand to correct myself to walk out of this character once and for all until I stand corrected

I commit myself to not follow this thought as I know that it leads into the desire for comparison and competition to uphold the point that I am more deserving, better and that it should in fact have been me and could have been me..if only, instead I expose to myself the worthlessness of such train of thoughts to support myself to stop my existence in and as the Character of 'It could have been me/it should have been me' once and for all

I commit myself to stop myself from existing as the nastiness of comparison and competition and to stop justifying WHY I should compare myself to others just to make this 'one small point' as I see realize and understand that comparison is always about winning and the desire to win, belittling others to minimize my own experience of myself as diminished, worthless, not good enough and that this point shows me that it is the stopping of my own accepted and allowed self judgements that must take place through consistent breathing and NOT the comparison as the belittlement of others in any way shape or form, which is unacceptable

I commit myself to show myself that every time I engage within and as this thought and its derivatives, I am in fact not Here, because this thought lives in and off the Past, and when I am Here in and as Breath, there is nothing to compare myself to as I do not exist of the Past within the past but of Breath Here in and as the potential of Birthing myself as Life for myself and All of existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to remind myself consistently that The Past is Over, until I really get it, by consistently remind myself to come back HERE, to breathe as Life is HERE and The Past is Really, Really OVER.
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