Sunday, August 26, 2012

Day 130: For-Giving the (Self) Molestation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I could not express myself as sexuality as a Child, I hoped and desired that men would come along who seemed to have the key to my sexuality as 'men were in charge of sex' according to the images of sex I saw and imprinted myself with, so I could experience myself sexually with them, through them, without having to carry the guilt and shame for giving in to sex to satisfy my curiosity, and for then suppressing this desire because the desire to experience myself sexually was 'bad", ending up turning these desires into suppressed and hidden thoughts, images and memories that were charged with self judgement, shame and guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful within the desire to experience myself sexually as a child because I accepted and allowed myself o be imprinted with my mother's view on sex and how it was that sex is done with a man, which then created the thought and desire, 'bring a man here then'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to interact with an 'unknown' man would give birth to molestation as I made myself the target for 'unknown men' to approach me as the answer to my suppressed thoughts of which I was not aware of consciously where they were themselves drawn to me as a match to me and my secret hidden thoughts/desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was 'bad' for holding such secret desires, without being able to see realize or understand HOW those desires were formed through suppression, I deserved all the molestation that I got

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to molest myself with pictures and images of sex that I would look for and file within and as me to prove to myself that 'others did it' and I was not so bad after all, without seeing realizing and understanding that those pictures through which I would experience myself in shame and guilt would build up and turn into self molestation of myself as my Mind and give birth to the molested Character who in turn would attract Molesters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex in my early years of sexual expression to shame and guilt which made me enraged which in turn sought for targets which became men as The Molesters, for which I ended up perceiving I felt a deep hatred that I pushed down and hid as I did not want to be bad for hating someone and not 'forgiving' the weaknesses of men because 'all men are like that, they just want to get in your pants', while in fact I didn't and just accumulated hatred and contempt for their inability to keep their hands to themselves not seeing or realizing the part that I played in our interactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I had so much hatred for men and the continuous consistent abuse that I perceived they were inflicting on me when I walked down the streets as a Child, or when I ate a banana, or when I was just on a bus going to school, in a movie theatre watching a movie, within a friend's circle when suddenly one would behave in a way that I perceived as a trespassing, and for looking at them as Inferior Creature who were led by their Dicks, without seeing realizing and understanding that if they are led by their dicks, they must be led TO something/someone who matched their desires, and that it was me leading them on because a Victim must have an Abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self hatred, for having given up Life for The Mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, onto men, making them responsible and blaming them for everything that went on within me as self Abuse, so I would not have to be responsible of how I experienced myself and stand to correct myself to stop the experience of me as bad, shameful, guilty, regarding sexuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and angry when my mum said 'there must be something wrong with you if it keeps happening to you' as I took that as a judgement as a reflection of my own self judgement regarding myself and my hidden sexuality, missing out on the opportunity to in fact NOT take it personally which would have allowed me to see that there was something wrong with me in fact and that was what I had stored in me as me and then went and lived out in the Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to speak up, in fear of losing the privilege of being liked and desired by men who represented the key and the door to my sexuality and so never wanting to close any door, just in case, just wording excuses such as, you are like a brother ' there is nothing wrong with you, it's me' and the list goes on, without seeing realizing and understanding that to NOT be Self Honest and tell myself What is the Freaking Pay back of all this Molestation, which of course was the point of being desired, an Ogre would do, I ended up blaming myself even when I had been trying to be as clear as possible, within the limitation of seductress character that I secretly played at all times around men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the con-clusion, that since it did not seem possible to have men keep their hands to themselves, their nasty comments, wolf whistles and generally any demeaning act they could come up with, I should capitalize on it and get on the command deck, where I would stir and move the manipulation of the Dickheads into the Direction that best served me as in, if you can't beat them, manipulate them and get something out for yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such a world as 'normality' even when as a kid the suppressed sexual tension between all interactions physically scared me as I could see it weaved into every and any conversation, topic, attitude and yet no one else seemed to notice that there were 2 things leading the world and none of them were in the Hands of Women as Money and Sex, and I concluded we better get smart about it and in fact turn things around, either through Money to be able to stop the sexual favours we engage in at all times, given or promised or paraded and not delivered, or through Sex to get to the Money, because this world is a freaking fearful place to be without Money and Women were left with sex to get to the upper crust where the Money is, and so be it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce my sexual expression to a stock market, in which I was always trading something as it was driven into me that men wanted this thing I had to offer MORE than we did, or they would not offer to buy it, which tilted the market value of sex in my favour as the seller and that I should take full advantage of my position of being the owner of a stock which was so sought after and for which men were willing to give in, either the dough or something I could trade for a better, safer future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that we were built this way as sex and as the way we would interact with each other, but we do not have to accept this as who we are, we can stop and stand and say, I no longer trade for sex or money as a first individual step that we take to Change the World as Ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that, due to the extent of self judgement, shame and blame that I held toward myself when I saw that I crossed the line from Perceived Abused to Abuser, anything that came from men seemed in some way legitimized, not for the How I Carry Myself Without as in the excuse that I am not Making Up, wearing Heels or behaving in a seductive way, but for how I carry myself within, as the Abused Abuser, having molested myself to no end with sexuality issues stemming from suppression and judgement and so I have turned myself into a Light House for Molesters and Abusers as they see Me as I see/experience Me and then they see themselves as authorized to step into their Abuser Role as I move back into the Abused/Molested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, due to the way I perceived myself and my hidden secret participation in the Molester and Molested Game, I had no right to speak up and say NO, turning myself into the door mat of the Abusers Molesters as I ended up believing it was always my fault and that if I had not done this or that, said this or that, until it became a habit to look for what I did wrong while the Molester got away without notice, instead of standing up and voicing 'this is NOT what I want' because this issue has two sides, yet this is no Justification or a clean bill for Men who molest Children, as we are all the products of a very disturbed society and we have to STOP on both sides of the Coin and while I stop my participation as the Abused/Abuser I will voice what is acceptable and what is Not in My world and the world I want to live in as A World that is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man stands in self justification for molesting a Child by saying things like 'You Crazy Bitch' or 'You are Dreaming' or "I don't know what you are talking about', it is not for me to feel ashamed as if I were all these things he said and if I don't know what I am talking about to the point that I no longer talk at all, because heavy breathing on your neck, a hard dick against your ass and fondling your behind or doctors who are supposed to look at your foot and pull down your panties, do not need to be told what they are doing, as THEY KNOW what they are doing, which is abusing their position of power either as an Adult vs a Child or as a Representative of some Organization/Institution such as the Medical/Educational/Religious and that standing up and saying NO I do not accept this is important for me and them too to realize that whatever fantasy they are playing out, it's just that, Their fantasy, which has nothing to do with the physical reality and as we all come to terms with the fact that we are psychopaths within our own Minds abusing each other we can stop and stand to change the world for Life and what is best for All

I commit myself to speak up against Abuses as I correct myself as the Self Abuser I have become so that Inward and Outward the World can Change, which is what we are doing with the proposal of an Equal Money System, in which all Mental Illnesses and dis-eases will be addresses and supported for correction so everyone can be equally supported to live behind their life of Abuse for LIFE to build a World where we are in fact proud to live and not ashamed and terrified for what we have created that we now have to walk as a ConSequence into Self Correction

I commit myself to delete my past as it comes up in pictures/thoughts and memories as I see realize and understand that the Past is Over and that I can only change My Past by not repeating it into time/stupidity loops to show myself that I saw where and how I was participating within a specific point and that I took responsibility for it, so as to not leave behind myself a trail of distorted/diseased relationships as the ones I made up in my mind based on abuse as the abused/abuser and One + One as we correct ourselves it will reflect into our World outside and what becomes possible as we walk away from our limitations, one + one.

Enhanced by Zemanta

No comments:

Post a Comment