A Director's Journey to Life: Day 119: Wake Up, Wake Up, Wake Up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear falling asleep as a Child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dread the moment in which I would close my eyes and experience the freefalling into darkness and nothingness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sleeping in the afternoon is what 'normal people' do to take a rest, instead of seeing and realizing there was an anomaly within the Sleeping World if we wanted to switch off and Not be Here at all times

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not normal because I did not want to sleep in the afternoons as it seemed like wasted time but I compared myself to all other kids who did and accepted and allowed myself to believe my teachers and caretakers without seeing and realizing that just like me when I took care of kids later in life, they wanted time for themselves and to just shut the kids off

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to shut the kids off when I later took care of them as I saw it as my right to do to them what was done to me ‘because I knew better, because I was older’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry as I lied down on the mattresses bottling up feeling of powerlessness for having to switch myself off on command

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel wrong and disturbed for feeling angry and powerless in the face of adults who told me what was best for my body instead of realizing my body knew best than the adults who didn't even know what was best for them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others know what is best for me as my physical body, including doctors, when in fact I am the one that knows best as I am the one who lives with and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint my body with Characters that now speak like my body expressing needs and desires that are Not of my body but of my Mind, and that it will take some time before I can trust my body again to not speak on behalf of my Characters but I will get there walking backward and deleting the information I published into my body that my body has now automated into behaviors, wants and needs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that until my body s no longer contaminated by what I posted into it as the Mind, I will have to rely on my common sense to check out what is supportive and what would be best for my body and that learning to step in as the self directive principle is of paramount importance as my body at the moment is not automated for self support and what is best for all, but for self abuse and self interest, and it will take consistent breathing to return myself in and as the Physical to a point of Mutual Effective Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that adults knew best, as this sickness that is age related as experience I have then passed it on to the younger ones when I was finally older and cold tell them that " I know best what it’s good for you – better than you- because I am older and have more ‘experience’ which just meant already indoctrinated and perceptually damaged' perpetuating the disempowerment and separation of ourselves from and as the physical onto the new generations and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in love with pot as I believed that it was the solution to my dislike and resistence of the falling asleep moment as pot transitioned me from awake to asleep seamlessly through passing out and shutting down the noise in my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love that moment in which I could feel I was about to pass out, accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with that one moment/that one feeling of forced shut down while I made myself powerless to enable myself to shut myself down as The Mind just through my own Self Directive principle of Not participating in and as The Mind and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless when it comes to shutting myself down as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to shut down as a way to Not be Here facing how I was experiencing myself as Fear and judgments of myself as someone who had fucked up beyond redemption and for believing that shutting down, passing out was a blessing instead of seeing and realizing the B-Lessing of myself in every moment in which I did not want to be Here in unconditional Self Support to walk myself out of the Mind as the parasite that stands between me and Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that seeks those shutting down moments of oblivion that I then manifest through desires, such the desire to sleep, or drink a glass of wine -to make myself sleepy- or anything that will bring me back to that one moment that I filed as 'Bliss' when I smoked Pot for the first times and I saw I could drift away from reality without any effort, I would just have to give up me as Life and that would be it and within this I forgive myself for giving up my Life to the desire to Not have to Take responsibility for myself and All of Existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in extensive self judgments that turned into anxiety and depression that I ended up believing was to be The Experience of me, to which I had to subject myself as I saw no choice, no way out, instead of seeing and realizing I was just lacking the tools to support myself but when I found them I started to walk my self correction and so within this I commit myself to stop the self judgments of me as they are based on memories of Characters and not on myself living and Breathing Here, walking to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of the world and the 'life' we are sold and then have to buy, and for believing I was weird as I could not find a place for myself where I felt honest and real as I switched from Character to Character, no longer knowing who I was, who I am as I gave up my power to Thoughts and their Emotions and Feelings as Energy as Having Value over Life itself, instead of seeing and realizing the value of Life Here in and as every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that this Character will not go away by itself as it is embedded in me as me through my own acceptances and allowances but I have to deliberately STOP myself from giving in, no matter what justifications are offered about WHY it would be great/cool/appropriate to just go and take a nap, when I can see it is My Mind that seeks the shut down and not My Body and so I'm looping, doing to myself what they did to me as a child, shutting myself down so I as the Mind can take a break to recharge and kick in stronger each time I give in and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within looping the abuse of the adults of me as a Child regarding sleep as shutting down

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which we have turned functions of support for the body such as sleep, into tools to just not be Here, justifying with each other WHY it is good to sleep, take sleeping pills, drink, smoke pot, just anything that will allow the switching off into oblivion so we won't have to face this world and what is has become as the manifested consequences of our Fear and Separation, instead of stopping and asking ourselves WHY have we turned everything upside down, why can't we sleep anymore but have to knock ourselves down, WHY we don't register any of the anomalies of this existence in Utter Fear that we will have to stand up and do something about it, because this is NOT the World anyone should come to and it is required for all of us to WAKE UP and stand as the correction and the Change that we wish to see in the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as a reward, accepting and allowing myself to believe that for me to move a reward is required, and since I have turned sleep into a moment of perceived Lack of responsibility, in which once I drift off I can leave this world to those that are awake, then I use it to Re-Ward myself and justify why it makes sense that after 'this and that' I should take my turn to leave the helm and Not be responsible, because hei, I was sleeping, as I fear that any other moment in which I am not in fact asleep there is responsibilities to be taken, things to do that have to be done from which I become exempted the moment I sleep, instead of realizing that my sleep/dreams are becoming worse than my waking time as I get to experience the fear of existence without my ability to stand up and direct the point and so I see and realize that sleep won't be restful until I use it as an escapism and therefore I have to disengage sleep from an idea of escape so I can return myself to be awake when I am awake and rest when I am asleep as a support for my physical body and NOT as a treat to the Mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life sucks and then finally, hopefully we Die, seeing the good bit of Life in Death, promoting the philosophical Gnostic bullshit that We Pay for Death with Life, accepting and believing that Life is in fact this shithole of experiences that The Mind offers, on a swing to nothingness from happy to sad, from brave to fearful, from loving to hateful, lost within a Character Play that makes no sense and yet instead of questioning reality we seek Escapes such as Sleeping or the Ultimate One, Death, without seeing realizing and understanding that We Have Been Here before, again and again, accepting beliefs of Imaginary Lessons and Grades to Achieve, instead of stopping and wondering, hei, how comes I have lived this before, same story, same pattern, am I looping, how, Why, Who am I, How can I stop? Seeing and realizing that death is not the solution if we are back Here drained, tired, sick and finally Dead, just to start it all over again, until WE STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace Death as the solution to Life as I died every day a little, always disappointed that I would wake up again and again, no matter what I did to blast myself out of existence, waking up in my own groundhog day just to face the same fears, judgments, emotions and feelings I did not want to participate in but I did not know how to stop, until I did, with the support of Desteni, seeing how it is that all Loops and Loopholes are My Creation, how everything I have ever lived or believed to Live I have created and how only I can undo it, my creation, my Child, correct it to realign it to Oneness and Equality to give up Death for Life once and for All, so I can Here myself and give to myself what I sought outside of myself in separation from myself and All of Existence Equal and One.