Day 134: Gender Hatred - Self Forgiveness

Anaclasis – A Haunting Gospel of Malice & Hatred (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I read that another woman has been attacked with acid throwing by her former lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel entitled to hate men that violate women because I am a woman and I have to stand by my 'gender'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to say that some men should be hanged by their balls and left there to die, failing to see that I have been and still am participating and fueling the same gender hatred I blame men for, and that there is no difference in hatred just because one seems 'justified hatred' while the other doesn't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because we do not go as low as such acts of violence and abuse as men seem capable of, instead of realizing both genders are a product of a sick society of fear and hatred and there is no difference but in the expression of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aways look for the points through which I can up a man to prove that I am better than them and would never go as low as they do with their expression of violence and hatred toward women, instead of realizing that desiring to diminish another to prove that I am better is an act of hatred and violence that has just not become physical yet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the toxicity we show to each other within relationships is who we really are and that it will never change because men are just basically bastards and they would do anything they can to put a woman down, instead of realizing I have done the same within my gender wars to make sure I would come out on top

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such relationships have a future as long as we hide and sugar coat the hatred for each other well enough, instead of seeing that we have to draw a line and STOP because we have gone as far as we could with gender hatred and it's time to put down the weapons, forgive the past and redefine how we want to relate to each other in a way that is supportive for who we are as life and as Honourable as the World we wish to see manifest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'men are stupid' because women can scheme and manipulate more efficiently than men, which could in fact be one of the very sources of the hatred men feel for us and then suppress as they get the manipulation point but not how we do it in the specific, which leaves them with a sense of frustration that bottled up leads to hatred and violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because they don't throw acid on a man's face, instead of seeing and realizing that each gender hits the other through what we perceive is their assets, so as men try to take away women's beauty as their market value, women go for their money as their market value, they just go about it when possible 'the legal way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the hatred and the fear that I felt for men within my life because that would not be 'ladylike' to dig up and look at as denial for women was always recommended, instead of seeing that we are mirroring each others' hatred which is ultimately our self hatred for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while seeking for friction to keep this demented 'Energetic' creation in place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that rape is a result of a society in which sex has become a weapon just like everything else we engage with, and that we need to address everything that we have accepted and allowed because this Creation is tainted and damaged by our self Hatred that is manifesting through every possible Mean, from sexual to physical to verbal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when men blame women after they beat them or violate them seeking for excuses for the hatred that played out and they were not able to contain, instead of seeing that we blame men for the hatred that we feel for them and we do not manifest in the same ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that confining human expression to Genders leads to hatred for the expressions one believes to not have access to that belongs to the other gender and that one point we need to address is the self expression suppressed within our 'gender confinments' to allow any gender to express outside of our defined 'gender boundaries' to stop all suppressions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gender hatred because it was easy to direct my self hatred on the 'opposite sex' as the perfect way to put a space between myself and my projected hatred and because men always seemed to give us so many good reasons for it that it was hard to resist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the hatred that has been plaguing our genders in the relationship with each other because I perceived and defined men as the one having all the power, as in the Money/Survival power, instead of seeing and realizing that as I felt justified to hate them for the power I perceived they had, they felt justified to hate us for the power They perceived we have as the power to give birth to another life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that having split Us and Them into our different Perceived Powers within this World would lead to competition and comparison from which only one can come out as the Winner, and that to heal our relationships we have to stop competing and comparing what we have that they don't have and what they have that we don't have and instead accept our different expression as Life that doesn't make anyone of Us More or Less than another but just different in the Expression of Life that we Equally share

I commit myself to no longer react to news regarding this outbreak of violence against women as I work to equalize myself to men, outside of gender roles and preconceived gender based ideas, opinions and beliefs

I commit myself to stop my Gender hatred as I see realize and understand that it is not a Gender hatred but our Fears and self Hatred that we are manifesting on Each other that must be Healed and brought back to Self so we each can address the source as the thoughts that lead to the feelings and emotions that end up in expressions of violence and abuse

I commit myself to no longer support the Us and Them of this existence as it is not possible to be One if we cannot even overcome our perceived Gender Differences, and upholding a line to divide Men and Women is just an idea of separation within which we lose ourselves and forget that We are One and that anything that stands in the Way of the One as Self must be Healed and released, so we may come together as Life and What is best for All and return Home Here within the physical in the simplicity of Breath, for Ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One

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Day 133, Why do Men Hate Us So Much?

Today I read an heartbreaking article about violence on women, again.

I am actually tired of reading such articles, I am tired of reading news about the cruelty of humanKind that we insist to call 'Kind', I would like to let loose, get up and kick the wall, scream and shout and participate in the backlash gender hatred, so we show them, so we gain back our ground, because the lady writer, Soraya Chemaly says, "Women Are Not in Possession of Themselves".

Maybe the point is the opposite, Women are Possesses themselves by this Gender War, Equality cannot be given, it must be found within and claimed within, while we seems to believe that the World is happening Outward only and that since we belong to a specific gender, we have to stand by this gender and be the Abused as the Abused, for solidarity, for companionship.

But that would mean to share the hatred, the debits and credits ledger of the Gender Role, which is just another Possession as the precise point of our world, where everyone is getting back to one another for something, for not having delivered the experiences we wished to have, for something we have interpreted as demeaning, offensive, diminishing, harmful, selfish, like in this instance a woman saying 'NO, I won't fuck you' or going further back, a woman who said 'taste this Apple, it's delicious' and wham, Paradise was lost and she was forever blamed, a hell of a time to hold a grudge.

I'm tired of reading why some people did what they did as we dig into their history, family history, childhood history, school grades history, memories, traumas, all in the hope to find reasons to justify horrendous acts of violence and cruelty against Life, as we try to make sense of a world and a Race we are all participating within that in fact makes no sense at all. What if we became responsible Human Beings instead of accepting who we have been and what we experienced and believed to be 'Important' as our History to shape our present and our Futures, who enjoys being the Abused or the Abuser if not a sick Mind and if we are sick, why don't we look for how can we stop being sick, whichever line of the sickness we are breathing life into, does it really matter?

The writer says

"

Next time you are at a party, look around and remember:

• More than half of school-age girls experience sexual harassment.
• Sixty-nine percent of American women surveyed report that they do not look people in the eye when they walk in public streets, in order to avoid harassment.
• Between 85 and 99 percent of all women experience varying degrees of street harassment.
• One in four women in the U.S. experiences violence at the hands of a partner in her lifetime.
• One in three in the world will.
• One in five women is a survivor of sexual assault and rape."

Which is just another invitation to remember, remember who we are, what we have gone through, remember our place within this society, we are bound to be harassed, beaten, violated and then, some tragically get raped and murdered.

So really, one question would be, Why do men Hate Us So Much?

What is it within this gender War that makes Men think and believe that if they could not 'use' a woman to have the 'experience' they were wishing for, no one should have her and so it wold be right and appropriate to throw acid in her face, to melt her face away, the face they desired and could not get for themselves, what is it that in the mind of men that justifies the violence, the harassment, the beatings, the acid, the rapes and then the trashing of a perceived worthless Life?

Is it because they are motherfuckers, as in the sense of fucked by their mothers to start with, that they grew up to hate women to such an extent that their lives are lived searching for reasons to get even, to square the gender books, get the upper hand that they ended up believing was in fact in the hands of women as they held the power to grant or refuse their desires, to grant and refuse their worthiness that they invested in a woman with no return, ending up more worthless than before desiring her and then blaming her for how they experienced themselves within Their Mind?

Recently I was looking at the point that I do not know how to explain Self Forgiveness in Italian, as if it the problem was with the Self Forgiveness because it brings up Shame and honestly who wants to be facing the shame of this existence when we can pretend to Love each other, until we don't and I desire to throw acid on your face, to delete you, to delete my sense of being inadequate of not having made the mark all the way up into your bed, into your arms for the solace I was seeking and believed you could give me and yet you refused me, as I refused myself.

What is Self Forgiveness then, that it's so hard to explain because God Forbid, it may bring up the Shame that is in fact existent within All of Us for such a World as the One we have created and participated within, Self Forgiveness is a tool to delete the past and our energetic ties to it that have turned into the strings that move us as puppets into a life that we believe we own, but that it's owning us as The Mind, as we puppeteer ourselves from one experience to another, from one Character to another, busy with gender roles of manhood and womanhood that are obviously abusive in the best cases and criminals when things get out of hand. We NEED Self Forgiveness to stop this SHIT, we need to forgive ourselves as our ledger of debits and credits, because if we do not, women might go out and start to douse men in petrol ad sit and watch them burn to hell, or cut their dicks and feed them to ducks, like they already do in Thailand, so that they won't be found and stitched back, unless you stitch the whole duck back where the dick was, they may wait after a lifetime of beatings until they spike a strawberry milkshake for the abusive husband and when he falls asleep they bash their head in with a golf club, like it happened to a perfectly 'apparently well adjusted wealthy family' in Hong Kong, because this is where we are headed, as everyone has plenty of apparently good reasons to hate one another, and get even, men may be underestimating the seeds of the hatred they are watering with their abuses and the payback that may come when enough is enough.

So, at the stage where we have arrived, there can no longer be forgiveness, this is obvious, what we have done to each other within this existence and in the specific our gender wars has just crossed any possible forgiveness line, we are left with forgiving ourselves, so we can stop claiming credits or believing that we have debts to pay that line up the abuses for us to experience until we see, that the Grace of this world cannot come from the Creator who has long ago fled the scene, it must come from us, to see that we are Equals, to step out of the Roles that either make us the Abusers or the Victims and to be precise both at different times, to stop turning abuses into the fuel for furthering abuses so that This World May Change.

So, to the Women of this World, it is not for us to remember, remembering led us here, to the cutting of dicks and the burning men alive and the bashing their heads in with golf clubs, and yet no change is visible but more fury and violence, as violence begets violence, and hatred begets hatred, and to stop We have to stop and realize that We have to forgive ourselves for the roles we played within the abuses, and to forgive others unconditionally as we can't give to ourselves what we are Not willing to give to others, so the for-giveness is the road to for-getting, because for-getting we must for-giving, isn't the irony of all of this just too much for us to not get it?

If you are a victim of Abuse start your Journey of Self Forgiveness as The Journey to Life, Life has no Credits and Debs as Life is Here, not lost in the Past of memories or the Future of Hopes. 

The Past is Over, You are Here, Breathe, Self Forgive, Life is Not Over until the Last Breath and who you turn out to be is up for You to decide.

Abused, Abuser or Life One and Equal?

Self Forgiveness to Follow Tomorrow

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Day 112: 'I love you This Much' Character, SF and SCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel FEAR every time someone asked me 'how much do you love XXXX(Me), Dear?', and for feeling bad because I was not yet able to generate the 'Love' feeling as in something that felt good and safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Love questions in relation to Quantity, as when I was asked to specify How Much and show it in a visual manner, as clearly I could not show the World or the Universe with my hands and arms outstretched, I feared that the Quantity I was about to display would Not Be Enough to secure my livelihood and a 'loving environment' which translated in a place where I was allowed to stay, sleep, be clothed and be fed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disloyal when I told the same things to 2 different grandparents, as it was clear that I was supposed to prefer one/love one above the other, and so my display of love should be This Much for One and a Little Less for the Other and Not The Same, because if I made them the Same within the Love Visual display of my affection I was for sure disloyal and a liar to both, where instead of standing and saying I love the other grandma more, first because she is a blood relative and you are not and blood is thicker than water, second because I get more stuff off of her than off of you, yet I pretended to love them all Equally because it would have been unbecoming to come out and speak such truth in relation to LOVE as a Reward System as the first layout of Capitalism (with Love as Value/Worth being the Capital) within the Family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Blood is thicker than water, as that is the Foundation of our Con-cept of Inequality, where the Family guarantees its specialness with the children and that the System won't Change because there is Us vs Them, Us meaning the FamiLie and then The Rest of the World, instead of realizing we are All Equals and that Blood is just another way to justify why we are not and why we have to Stick to this Bloody System as It IS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the moments of intimacy and Aloneness with my blood grandmother as I knew she could use those moments to ask me the Love questions that would make me feel disloyal to my mother as well, because I related loving to stuff I got and the permission to do everything I wanted, which I did not have from my mother, and then I would say I love you more than I love mum, because THAT was for sure ENOUGH to secure I could have access to her 'unconditional' support which was conditional ONLY to How Much I told her that I loved her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disloyal to my mother instead of seeing and realizing I felt disloyal because I embraced some as more important than others and started to divide myself from my family which is LIFE for my FamiLie which was just where I was born

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this Love business within the FamiLie, as the word Love became more and more layered within me with conditions and so I could not understand the Unconditional Love my family was always talking about when I had been imprinted clearly with all the conditions that would make me really lovable vs dutifully loved as a job that they overtook for themselves and that had nothing to do with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about the way I learnt to use the word Love as a word in separation from myself meant to generate good feelings around me, so I could live in peace while everyone got what they wanted as in the declaration of Love vs The declaration of War that we all Fear within the FamiLie structure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated as soon as someone would start a sentence with 'you see, what I am about to tell you is just because I love You' as I knew from experience that there was never anything 'good ' following the 'I love you sentence', and that it was the most vile way to communicate to each other in fact because not only a blow was coming but I was asked to lay down my defences as I braced myself for whatever was to come that for sure would not be pleasant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word Love within experiences and memories of perceived unpleasatness that was just FEAR that I was unable to decode and name because the Love Word stood in the way of me seeing clearly what we were really taking about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Love to a desire to be approved and to get away with anything I could say or do, as I grew up brandishing this word against others, as a passe-partout that could open every door, subjecting others as me to the same routine of asking them to put down their weapons and accept the blow that I was about to strike, all in the name of Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that LOVE that is expressed in 2 different ways in Italian as in TI AMO, to a lover, or Ti Voglio bene, to a family member, is fishy, since everyone wrote and spoke abut the Universal Concept of Love as a Feeling, yet within my own language we made a difference even between the feeling for the ones you Love to Fuck and the Ones you Fuck for Love, yet the Fucking part was always involved with Love but kept hidden from any conversation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be loved by my family and to love my family, not because the loving felt good, but because in loving I could for a moment Not Fear them, I could pretend that everything was FINE and we were COOL and that no surprises were around the corner to confuse me into 'why the fuck did she/they say/do that for?' as after the Loving Play Out there would be a Break and for some time the hateful spitefulness that was running as the invisible force behind all games was suspended and we could breathe, even briefly and feel some peace

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Love to Peace, as in something I aspired to within my family where I perceived WAR all the time, failing to see I was at WAR with myself, with all the parts of me that I had already learnt to suppress to participate in the 'Loving Game' where I could beLieve that it was in fact Normal to interact within the Guidelines that were set stricter and stricter as I grew up, that it was normal to lie to each other's face and gossip behind each other's back and that was what a family was and that in fact we were the lucky ones that were not tied to the legs of a table or had the face smashed against a wall to leave the sacred Sindone on the wall paint, because we were the loved kids and the other kids were the not loved ones, and so I made myself connect Love with the lesser violence displayed in my family in comparison to the families of some of my friends, who funnily enough, believed themselves to be loved to, and connected the word Love to Violence just to go on and move into abusive relationships seeking for the definition of Love they imprinted themselves with as Love=brutality=Passion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Violence of the families around me that said that they Loved their Children so much and whatever they did was for their own good, and for living in HOPE that my family would never Love me THAT Much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I did not display enough Lovability, I would be dumped because as my mother told me, a dog was better than me because the dog wagged his tail, and so somewhere in my mind I connected Love to wagging my tail and to showing lovability as a trait that would guarantee my family and then my partners would keep me and not just give me up for adoption like any bastard that is not lovable enough ends up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory of when my mum said that a dog was better than me, so I could blackmail her every time she would trump the Love/Fear card as I now had a 'get out of Jail Free Card' that I filed away against her, to show her that I may not always meet the lovability standard but you don't too Bitch, and so we are even and my place within the support system  is safe and secured

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with thoughts and beliefs that I was not lovable for this one sentence that my mum said one evening when she was tired and I was throwing some tantrum and for not letting this moment go as something that was NOT personal, instead I personalized it on purpose as I feared my family and I believed I would have to start weaponizing myself against them, because they would always fuck me with the Love card and I would have to have a 'come back' line for when the fucking with my head would just cross the line, instead of seeing and realizing that I was in fact in charge of how I experienced myself and that I did not need to fear them and that I had no real reasons to fear them but that I was taking on  their Fear through their 'LOVE' and THEN looking for reasons to explain to myself why the fuck did I fear them and so I looked for reasons to make sense of my fears within their actions and words, not realizing that this was NOT how they were passing on the load to me and that 'looking for reasons' was just an additional fuck up that I was inflicting on myself as I layered myself with both Their fears and My Reasons to justify them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that the fears were piling up through the LOVE they were giving me and that the reason why I Feared the word Love was because the word LOVE was for themselves FEAR as well, and that I was reading the History of the Word within them as a child and not hearing the word from which they themselves had separated themselves from, and so no matter how many 'good words' they would speak after the word Love, I would hear FEAR FEAR FEAR, while both would have never been able to explain what the fuck was going on as no one of us was aware of the Truth of Ourselves as The Mind and as The Fear of Ourselves and Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to let go of my memories of the Fear of Love that I felt as a Child and to let go of the memories that I have filed as an explanation of my fears in connection to Love, as I commit myself to purify my words to stop my separation from myself as Words to return HERE to Life in and as Breath, in and as The Physical for What is best for All, for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Day 76: Duped by my Desire to be Good

Last night I was reading One of the Journey to Life Blogs, and in the specific one titled "Fooled by morals - A Case of Religion", and saw and realized how much that Blog applied to me and my 'moralistic approach to Life'.

My Life has never been based on doing What is Best for All, I just found ways that were acceptable to me according to my own judgements of What is Good and What is Bad, to get what I wanted for myself in absolute Self Interest.

Even wanting 'World Peace' which is universally considered Good can be an act of Self Interest, in which I desire World Peace so I can stop feeling BAD about not having World Peace, but in truth I could not care less that people were at each other's throaths exept that it's bad for my Mood having to watch it happening.

So I want to see in writing Who I am within this Desire to Be Good and how I defined being Good and doing Good, while I accepted and allowed a World of Utter Abuse, in which my Being Good was just another Self Serving Tool, serving me the Right to Abuse in ways that were acceptable and not threathening to my IMage of Goodness among those I knew and inside myself.

Being Good:
- definitions from childhood that I accepted and allowed-

Do not throw tantrums or be moody

Do not masturbate

Give donations to the Poor

Do not gossip, if you do deny it, if you are caught make up stories about it to justify it

Do not lie

When I go through this list I see nothing of value in terms of doing What is Really Best for All but just a list of dos and don't that are actually beneficial to the system and the people who have taught me these things, as they would keep me in line with the belief that I was good and there was nothing more I could do about it, I was just asked to comply to these simple requests and get on with Life, so let's deconstruct my 'Idea of being Good' through Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it made sense to teach kids what is good/right from what is bad/wrong' because kids know nothing and they would not be able to tell the difference between abusing themselves and another and not abusing themselves and another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that throwing tantrums and being moody is bad and that I have to suppress my tantrums and moodiness to be acceptable, instead of investigating why I have moved into an energetic build up and address it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that parents know best, when I lived the evidence that one thing my mum did not know was what was good for her and what it was not, including the relationship with my grandparents, yet I accepted and believed she could teach me what she herself did not know and could not see and realize in her own life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that morality made sense as a guidance system, accepting and allowing within this the belief that we as humans need guidance or 'God knows what we would do', and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the nature of humans is naturally evil and cannot be changed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good/right to please my mother and family and show them that I got the teachings and was living by them, even though I mostly made up stories about me tooeing the line while in secret I lived the life I wanted feeling bad and wrong for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to be good means to not masturbate, because then everytime I did masturbate I felt bad/wrong and had to keep it hidden and suppressed in and within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what made my parents/family uncomfortable was bad/wrong instead of seeing they were superimposing on me their own limitations of right and wrong until I made them mine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that giving donations to the Poor was something Good and within this accepting the existence of Poor as the Way Things are and my inability to change the world and the system as me because within the Belief of 'having to give to the Poor', I made the Poor a reality to satisfy my need and desire to give to feel good about myself and Be Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied with the answer 'there have always been Poor people and always there will be' even though it made no sense that we would throw away food and skim the ham from its fat while someone went with nothing and hungry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a world where there are Poor as The Way Things Are and in which noone asks, but why are Things the Way they Are' because no one has an answer to this specific question

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about giving to the Poor my change that would make no difference to me if I had it in my pocket or not, while accepting and allowng myself to believe that I had satisifed what was required of me by complying to the Program "give to the Poor/less Fortunate' to Be Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the existence of a benevolent God who was obviously a gambler that placed people in more or less fortunate positions within the World System, without asking myself how could there be benevolence in a world where some were Less Fortunate than others and satisfying myself with bullshit like 'God moves in mysterious ways or God has a plan'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that if God's plan did not include the well being of All Equally it was NOT a good plan, whatever his reasons and that I should have questioned the nature of this creation and how we had come to live in such a world of violence and abuse within an imaginary benevolence of God and of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because there was a large number of people believing in God and his plan, then it must be true, failing to see that it did not mater how many people did believe and accept the existence of a God with a Plan, the fact that the 'Plan' was here for everyone to see and it was NOT a Good Plan that included the Equal Well being of All did not make the belief of the Many more real or valid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Gossip is bad unless you deny doing it or make up stories about why you are doing it as I saw everyone behave around me in my family and then it's acceptable, so instead of seeing Gossip for the detrimental point that it is because the Other is me and I cannot have what I don't give such as Respect and Consideration for another being, I just became skilled in the cover up and the story tellings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Gossip about others with the purpose of making myself more when I entered the construct of Inferiority and Superiority instead of seeing and realizing that I was the one moving into the need and desire to belittle others to make myself feel better and not that there was something worthy 'to gossip about'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to lie is bad when in fact I was lied all the time by the people that raised me starting from Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy all the way to how they felt about their lives and what was really going on with them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define to lie  as BAD, because they told me not to, just because they wanted as parents and educator that advantage of knowing what I was up to while they did not need to tell me or let me know what they were up to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my lying as in everybody is doing it, instead of seeing that there is no moral compass but my own and that I could have seen by myself the starting point of my reasons for lying and what they were about and I can see now that some lies can be told with the starting point of What is best for All unless I have a morality point standing in the way of using whatever is Here to get to where I need to get to become effective in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my actions according to an imaginary morality compass that I myself defined and that only commanded that if I did not stick to it I should feel bad about myself and when I stuck to it I could feel good about myself, failing to see I have even used morality as a point of self interest with which I could reward myself while I could keep on not caring about the world as me that was rotting away under my very eyes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others using a make belief morality compass, failing to see that there is no morality in a world where there is no equality and we better become as ruthless as the system that we judged as ruthless and from which we separated from in fear of being eaten and swallowed up, if we have to become effective in becoming this change that the world needs, as we won't get there by being ''good and nice' applying morality in a world of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to petrify myself into a position in which I perceive myself I cannot move, because I have been ruthless for self interest and then judged myself harshly for it when I met Desteni and I have not yet seen how to apply my ruthlessness to What is Best for All and so I have frozen myself into a CAN'T Do position, waiting and hoping for inspiration to come to me to show me the way, failing to realize that I am still stuck in the Savious construct, hoping that someone will take this responsibility from my hands and tell me what to do, instead of seeing that becoming self responsible means to assess all situations, look for the Equality Equation in which I consider everyone Equally as much as I can at this stage of my process and then move myself without regrets or fear, having seen and realized that my involvement as a Money making machine is required to contribute to this project and that I no longer wish to postpone my participation to make money for myself and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the words 'Father take away from me this chalice' as in the Hope that when I find myself in a dire situation, by my own definition, a rescue team will magically appear and sort me out, instead of seeing it is required of me to stand, sort myself out and get moving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own make belief Morality Code and the Judgement of myself if I should step out of the line of what I myself have considered Good and Bad, instead of seeing any point that comes up within the Good and Bad construct as an opportunity for me to redefine and expand beyond Good and Bad into Equality and Oneness and What is best for All

..just read today's Creation's Blog, does the Desire to Be Good belong to a Character ?
To be continued

Day 61: My Experience with Violence, I am not Violence

My experience with Violence started when I was a kid.

When I started to disagree on what my mother set as The Rules for My behaviour, slaps started to fly.

I have the physical memory of what being slapped felt like as a child, once she slapped me so hard I felt electricity run on one side of my mouth and had the slap feeling on my face imprinted there for hours afterward, I hated to be touched when she was enraged, pushed around and even more being slapped.

I found slaps in the face humiliating and unjust, there was a huge sense of injustice rising inside of me because I could not slap her back, the first time I did when I was 17 all hell broke loose, as this was a cultural taboo, every one was expected to take them and to never return them.

I remember as well what kinds of thoughts I would immediately move to when I felt physically violated, they went from rage to murderous and the feelings matched from anger to hatred.

All of this stuff I suppressed it because I did not know what to do with it and because it was immoral and bad to have certain thoughts and feelings against one's parents, so I added the self judgement on top of the pile of shit. By the time I was 17 and I smoked my first joint that was it, I had found my Nirvana, I would just no longer think about this stuff and felt peace and love for all the world, or so I thought until I discovered that it was like the bathtub plug, every time I pulled the plug all the stuff I had suppressed came back on the surface, every time I gave up Pot my first three days off were hell and spent in tears, I learnt later from other addicts that they all went through the same experience, so Pot is just like Antidepressants, when you give them up you'll face it all, the idea that stuff had magically gone away was just a delusion.

When Violence at home began, I started to hate all Authority Figures as well and became defiant to all of them, from police, to teachers, judges, anyone in the 'authority category' I would just patronize them, or so I pretended.

Of course within this defiant personality I had all sorts of ideas of what I would have done if I had ever met a violent man in my life, I would have jumped up, hit him with an uppercut, cut his balls off and  flushed them in the toilet, I was the Brave Brigade until the day I met One Violent Man.

This was actually the point in my life when I eased out on judging others, I had all sorts of ideas on abortions and the women who undergo them, until I had 2, and all sorts of ideas on women that allow men to beat them up, until I got beaten up.

I don't suggest getting the hang of it this way, it's painful and scarring,  I should have just given up all judgements on anyone and on myself too, they are really ridiculous and usually just the result of my demented imagination that played out righteousness and personalities to just be better than others, so I would not have to feel so lousy by comparison.

When I was 23 I met a guy, he was my colleague, he flirted with me endlessly at work but I had a boyfriend, I didn't want  to cheat, I was NOT a Cheater, for that I waited to be married, so I left my perfectly nice and kind boyfriend to embark on the whirlwind romance that this other guy had to offer. Of course I moved into the relationship with plenty of guilt, I basically threw out my boyfriend of 3 years from home finding something to fault him about and then even refused to have proper communication with him to support him to find a good reason for the break up, I simply couldn't, because there was none, I just fancied the other guy more.

There was something 'dangerous' about him, he was very fit, in great shape, and he was considered our new star employee, another genius like me, but he was recognized as such by his wage, so I thought I could vicariously enjoy some of his stardom and that he was a more suitable match for me.

He took me to meet his family,  when I looked back the signs of something off were all there, the mother and his father looked at me with a mixture of pity and gratefulness, strange because this guy was an obvious good catch. One day he told me that he had slapped a woman, I told him 'you must have had your good reasons', I wanted to look cool and non impressionable and fearless, like whatever, as long as it was not me. On another occasion we were sitting having a sandwich and I physically felt his rage, and even told him, I feel so much rage in you, where do you play this rage out and he said 'at the gym'.

One morning he pushed me around because of something I said and I rolled over the couch, he was soo apologetic, he said sometimes he did not realize his strenght. All the signs were there, yet I could not ditch him after I had left my perfectly good boyfriend for him, had to try and make it work.

Slowly I realized he had infiltrated my life, he kind of moved in without ever talking about it, he wanted immediately a tight relationship, almost obsessive, would call me  continuously at work when we were already no longer working together, every evening we were supposed to be together, plus sex was lousy, for some strange reason sex was the least intimate part of our relationship, in sex he really moved away, like I became a thing and no longer a person.

Two months later I asked him to leave, I told him I did not want this relationship and I was about to list the whys and I started with 'you are crazy' which triggered something and he slapped me and I flew across the bed. I felt the humiliation rise, I started to say I would report me if he touched me again, but by then I saw the demonic look in his eyes, just a moment too late, he dragged me to the kitchen threw me on the floor, pulled me by my hair against the wall and started to kick me in my chest and in my head while he held me by the hair, I had the experience of moving out of fear into pure survival, I was not physically afraid, I was just trying to cover my face and while he kicked me and said not to worry because he knew how not to leave any marks he told me that 'it's easy to take it on the weakest one, isn't it ?" Which given the situation was odd to say the least. But it wasn't if one sees that he was in playback mode, playing out the assault at his father over and over again. When he thought he did enough damage, he stood up to leave, of course  could not let him go just like that, after such an immense Ego bruising, so I stood up and said 'men that beat women are just deepshits', he put down his bag, came back pulled me by my feet to make me fall again and then sat on my chest chocking me, while he asked me to 'say I was sorry'. That is when I felt fear again, I flashed ahead to my corpse in the living room and my mother being told I was dead and all the grief this would cause and no one ever knowing what happened to me. so I tried to say Sorry, but I couldn't because he was chocking me so hard that I could not breathe, but finally he let go just enough for me to breathe and speak the 'I'm sorry' words and I did. Then he got up took his bag and left.

The next day I went to work, put on my normal work face and pretended nothing happened but one of my close friend from the HR came  to my office and standing on top of me saw my hair were not right, chunks were missing and when she asked about it I told her the story, she said nothing, went to her room and called him, he was at home, he was too sick to go to work and she told me that if anything else happened to me she would make sure he would never work again in whole Italy. This is how we settle stuff in Italy, from one threath to another, the bigger we grow in power, the more we grow in association, we end up in the family, the Cosa Nostra, the Mafia Clan.

He had some friends left at my office, he scratched his face and then invited them for drinks and told them that WE had a fight and that I beat him up, when I spoke to one of the 2 friends he was close to, he did not believe me, they introduced him to another woman,  he sent that one to the hospital.

Two days after he beat me I thought about reporting him, he told me he had a pile of reports for abuses 'up to here', so not believing in the justice system of my country, I called his father and asked him to call me back when he could talk. The father listened to me and then confessed that he was an habitual offender but they could no longer force him into treatment because he was of age, past 18 and therefore they could no longer interfere,  he said as well that if it was any consolation, he beat only the ones he really loved, funny because this happened to me as well when I was a child and I had a vicious admirer in the courtyard. Actually no, it was of absolutely no consolation.

For 2 weeks afterward I crawled against walls when going home  in fear he would be waiting for me somewhere, one interesting point of this experience is that the physical pain was almost immediately forgotten, It was the fucking "I'm sorry' that didn't go down at all, I saw myself as a coward pitiful woman that was not willing to die for her pride, how ridiculous is that, yet this was The Point of scarring of the whole experience, two weeks later the fear of him waiting for me vanished too, until he called me one Saturday to ask me out again, I remember fearing that he was somewhere close and going to lock my door, I told him 'you know you are sick right ?' and he said 'yes, would you help me ?' and I said "I can't, I don't know how to help you plus I don't trust you. Would  you meet you again after what happened  And he said 'before or after buying a Kalashnikov?' and I said 'so you gave yourself the answer because I am not buying a gun to feel safe to meet you again, but I wish you all the best and do look for help'.

Two months ago, my same friend that told him she would make sure he would never find a job again told me, 'you now CP, he is in jail in California'. She said it was on national TV, she did not know why.

I knew why, I went on the web and researched the trial transcripts, assault, rape, kidnapping, vicious beatings. In the trial transcripts they interviewed another girlfriend, she said he was violent with her every time he drank, he chocked her, set her clothes on fire and many other things.

The one that brought him  down said many things in which I could read the evolution of him as the mind in a very logical thread, he did it for sure, was jailed for 8 years, but never admitted to doing it, not even to have his time reduced, the shame of the labels was worse  than jail term, now he is again on National TV debating his innocence, I see him, I know he did it, we started out the same, violence at home, when I slapped my mother back he broke his father arm, I had just me to protect, he had his 2 younger brothers too, when he drunk all the suppressed rage the sense of injustice, the violence and the humiliation he never dealt with rose up, and Mr. Jekyll would turn into Mr. Hide, it could have been me, he is Me, the Violence and the rage  just never attended to because I knew that being a woman would never lead me there, I would stop at self abuse and some verbal abuse, but it was just the lucky gender roulette and not by any chance me being better than him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the rage and violence that I felt when my mother hit me and I could not hit her back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the hatred that I felt for my mother when she hit me and that I desired her to die, when in fact I hated myself for my own self abuse and I desired to  die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to suppress the sense of extensive injustice at being physically violated, because it is normal and legit that an authority figure can do what they want because they had power over me because I was small and she was big, instead of seeing I was being System Indoctrinated to obedience through violence in this sick system of abuse that we have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad and disgusting for entertaining negative emotions toward my mother that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe Had Authority Over Me, instead of seeing it was me giving my authority away because I connected my mother to survival and I did not know what else to do or where to go to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because if my mother hit me and slapped me around I must have deserved it and if I deserved it I must have been worthless and unlovable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my mother job to love me when she couldn't even love herself, instead of seeing it was my job and my responsibility to love me and be there for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desert myself because I was such a BAD child that even my mother didn't love me and so I shouldn't love or care for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT care for myself and love myself when my mother had stated through the violence used to rule me that I was not to be cared for or loved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother believed that I was unlovable and bad just because she couldn't control herself and what was going on inside of her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a victim of my mother's outburst and  for emboding the victim construct as the result of my accepted and allowed beliefe in me as a victim

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear physical violence and the feeling of having been violated every time she either pushed me around or hit me in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my life and my survival as a child because I did not know how far my mother would go and how to toe the line to prevent these outbursts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to normalize physical violence inside of me by disconnecting myself more and more from my body in fear of the physical pain I would have to endure if I was one and equal to my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that passion, love and violence are one and the same and for associating rough sex with passion/love and therefore with violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage a man who was OBVIOUSLY rage-full because I missed all the signs and instead saw a familiarity between him and myself failing to see that what we had in common was years of bottled up rage and humiliation that we had covered up with 'nice personalities that toed the line in appearance'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited by his dangerous personality missing the danger part of dangerous because I have accepted and allowed myself to feel electrified by violence and for missing out the signals that what was electrifying about him was his suppressed violence, same as in my mother and myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the  signs of his worried family when they met me, because I wanted to live dangerously this relationship with him because he made me feel valued through his obsession and desire to spend all the time with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge battered women as stupid whimps and imagine what I would have done in their place, not having a clue what is it like to be thrown against a wall yet imagining myself to be better than other women until I found myself in the same situation and took a good beating just like they did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for myself the first time he pushed me around, because I had the experience to know that violence escalates but because I felt guilty over how I had dumped my boyfriend for him parts of me believed I deserved everything that was coming for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hear him when he told me he had slapped a woman and for saying 'you must have had your good reasons' because he was trying to have an honest communication but I was too busy playing out the cool cookie to pay any attention to someone that was as sick as me and that as me was desperately trying to suppress it and not show it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are 'good reasons' for violence and that sometime when 'one is needed it should be given', because I have internalized this talk from my mother justifying why she would use violence against me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move out of my body when he hit me to a degree that I realized the damage and the fear I felt only when my hair fell off in chunks because I feared for my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying in a beating and being chicked to death and having my corpse discovered in my apartment and the grief that it would cause my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mother's potential grief as the excuse to allow myself to say 'I am sorry'' instead of seeing that it was the common sense thing to do given the situation and that I did not have to feel guilty and a coward for doing what I had to do to save my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for saying 'I'm sorry' because even in that moment I wanted to keep up the apperance of the strong resiliant woman above living and I hated to say an "i'm sorry" in exchange for my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my personalities are more valuable than my Life and that I should die defending them as to say that my Mind is more important than My Life and I should die defending it, which is NOT the case

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see in this man a clear mirror of myself as a result of violence and suppressed thoughts and emotions as a child and that while I did not support myself to stop my self abuse he did not stop himself and his self abuse escalated all the way to damaging acts of violence to which I have not given in just because I suppressed myself more efficiently than him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame him  for what happened between us, instead of seeing what happened as the manifested consequences of my self abuse and my self judgement of myself as worthless and unlovable and as a victim that did not stand as the Authority Figure in and as myself and someone else around me always did in my place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate all authority figures because I blamed them for taking my power away and for having power over me, instead of seeing that it was me giving my power away believing that I was helpless and unable to stand for and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions with food because tonight when  I discovered he is actually out of jail and watched his interviews on you tube I went into  an unreasonable fear and saw myself desire to eat, simply because I could not drink or smoke pot, and so I saw clearly my pattern of suppression play out that I did not stop, because I stuffed myself before sitting down and writing all of this out, instead of sitting down and writing myself out instead of accepting to suppress myself in any way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and rage and then desire for revenge when I discovered he was out of jail after just 8 years (sic) proclaiming his innocence when I know from the transcript that he did it because the patterns were the same as what he did to me just way worse and that I wanted to see him crucified and not excused and have everyone believing he is innocent when he is a repeat offender and a pathological liar, just like me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be wiling to forgive myself for this rage and violence I have lived one and equal to and for projecting on him my own desire to crucify myself instead of stopping all self abuse and standing in  and as the correction that is required by me to own all of me in self responsibility and keep walking my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  withhold my self forgiveness and to project on others One and Equal to me the withholding of my forgiveness, even when I can clearly see the absolute mirror of myself even to the point that I too would lie about such crimes in fear of those labels and the judgements of others I should live with, reminding me I am a violent rapist and an abuser of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others and of myself about what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through and as The Mind, as an Abuser of Life, of myself and others one and equal, in search for blood, revenge, squaring books of debts and credits, so I can live that one insignificant point of righteousness and for a moment stop seeing myself as such a fuck up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a fuck up, everyone fucked up here according to our placement and life experience, so the sooner all judgements stop, the sooner we can start to heal and put all our pieces back together in alignment with Oneness and equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I should reach out to him and introduce him to Desteni because he is a computer programmer and he would get what this is all about, and I can see the next one he will kill her, but then I went into fear of the consequences I may have to face, that the next one could be me, and made myself confused about what would be the best way to support him, if any

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to save another that I did not support when I had a chance, believing that it is my responsibility to save others, instead of seeing I couldn't even if I wanted to because this is a process each one of us has to board on their own self will, but I can keep breathing and see if I find a way to let him have this material reconciling this point with what is best for me and best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in such a world where violence against children is accepted and supported and where Children Have No Consideration or guidance about how to develop into effective human beings and we turn out into monster, exponentially worse than our parents and the lineage we come from, as we keep compounding and diminishing ourselves into nothingness searching for Life in separation from ourselves as Life, here in every moment of Breath.

I commit myself to erase my existence of violence, of justifications of violence, of memories of violence and imprints of violence as I no longer support or justify violence as me, as past, present or future, or any self abuse that is rooted in violence and judgements of myself and others as violence.

I commit myself to stop the violence of me as The World, One and Equal by clearing myself of any reaction toward violence, walking my self correction of and as a violence free world into existence as Me, as Life, One and Equal.

Day 19: The Reward World of the Underdogs

Yesterday I watched the documentary The Trap,

The point that stood out for me was the point of "Humans cannot trust each other", it tied in nicely with something I wrote yesterday and a few days ago and a movie I watched recently called 'The Keeper".

In my neighborhood people were mainly poor and lacked an education and their parents lacked the perspective that an education is of any importance at all, since Life is just about getting what you need and want, everybody is dishonest in some ways and 'You can't trust anybody".

Since violence was the accepted way of settling disputes, starting at Home, it was who was willing to be the most violent and most ruthless that would get the prize, the prize could be drugs or money or both.

Many parents had given up on the idea of a dignified Life and would make do with anything just to survive.

One of my girlfriend's mother would take Money from 'older men' she spent time with, she was not a prostitute on the streets or an escort, she had a job and a 'regular' life' and had this extra income on the side as my girlfriend told me nonchalantly, and when I was 26 and I had a boyfriend that was 52 she asked me why didn't I take money from him (he was a fit 52 years old, good looking and broke, so I am in no way stating I would not have and I was better than her mum, I just did not have the need to have to think this one out) like her mum was doing, because men are supposed to help us, basically accepting to reduce our lives to an exchange system of values, not different from the stock market, where beauty, education and everything we 'owned' and believe to be, could be traded for 'points' and then the points could be traded for money.

My mum paid me to change the closets between summer and winter, I still remember the first time she offered money to me to do something I would have done for free, because rewards are not only Money based, they are emotionally based as well, if we do something 'good' and 'right' at home, parents will make us feel good about ourselves.

Of The Trap  Documentary I liked the part when Lang discovered that it was the secret games happening at home that could lead one to mental problems, those secret games are the Energy games, the feelings and emotions we trade on the Stock Market of Life.

In the movie 'The Keeper', a sergeant of the American police, kidnaps a stripper, and locks her into a cage in his basement for reeducation, applying his father educational system, the Points system, which was the absolute carbon copy of the Reward System, every action, word, attitude, behaviour was valued on the Reward System board based on Points, and in the movie he states it out clearly 'I did not do that because I'm a good person, I did it for the Points', in the movie the point of The Points was exaggerated and given a life of its own that the child had breathed into and as Life and as Himself, the sins of the fathers living on.

Underdogs have a Points system too, they are promised a reward for accepting their underdog lives, religion is one of the underdogs points system, we are told that even if we have nothing 'as points' to exchange, no beauty, no culture, no education, we have Hope, Hope is a reward system, you can at least Hope to be rewarded, to make it across the line between the "Have it All" and the "Have Nothing At All" (if not here in the Afterlife, hope goes on after Death), this is the Underdog Urban Legend, 'even you can make it to the reward' of feeling good and having a safe life, just keep trying, do whatever you need to do, some make it, look, here comes another Underdog story, and with this pacifier even the Underdogs don't want a system change, because they may make it after all, they might collect enough Points to trade for a decent life, they have worked out how the system works and they are saving Points, sometimes they collect the Fear of others, that too can be traded for something that gives them Points, like sex or money.

My neighborhood was a reward system based on the Poor's perception of what a reward is, having no access to the good feelings that are generated by feeling safe, loved and having money, the good side of the polarity of life and living mainly in and as the negative emotional polarity of existence, getting the money or the drugs to even out and balance the emotional lives of horrors they lived at home was not a desire, it was a need.

 

We live in a society that creates People with Mental Problems, and then we put Shame on the Mental Problems that are  guaranteed just by being born in this world.

Are the mental health professional sane ? Unlikely, how could they be ?
In the documentary (the Trap) a renowned Psychiatrist admitted himself to a Mental Institution when he discovered he heard voices in his head and realized, he had created those voices that were now talking to him and the stories he had made up to sustain them were no longer working.
He could no longer pretend All was fine Within His World.

We need to create a world where we teach each other about a Value System that is NOT based on emotions and feelings and rewards, but on Life values and What is Best for All, we need to step out of the delusion of Polarity to allow a different world to manifest, we need to trust that another Humanity is possible, that we can trust each other if each one of us can trust Himself/Herself, so we start to change ourselves to prove to ourselves that if I can Change, the World can Change, One and Equal to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spoilt by a reward system from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that living is about being re-warded for living and not just about Life itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade on the Reward System market who I Am in exchange for what I was supposed to be to have rewards

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not enough and I needed Points to make myself valuable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others just to be good enough to be rewarded within the world reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mental illnesses and being a mental case when I realized the world is insane and we are all mental cases

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire rewards for everything I do, think, say because I have accepted Life as a reward system and I have not yet stopped consistently my participation in and as a reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I don't feel happy anymore when there's the sunshine as in energetic happy and I am at a loss about how to move myself if not through an energy motivation/reward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to motivate myself through energy and intuition to move instead of being the directive principle of my life making decisions based on what is best for All and then walking my decisions Breath by Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and thus fear that if I don't feel energetic movements within me to motivate and lead me I am not alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am Energy and not Life and for accepting and allowing myself to built myself as a network of energetic relationships to pretend I am alive when I buzz in and out of energetic movements, giving up the stability of me existing Here in every moment of Breath as Life without any movement or reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call people who were not as reactive as me 'emotionally impaired' instead of seeing I was the one impaired by emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have emotionally impaired myself due to my extensive participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade Life for Energy and for abusing myself in the process up to physical abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cringe every time someone told me of how they managed to get a child to do something through a reward, because I have not forgiven myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of rewards from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself so much into the reward system that I have been unable to support others one and equal in not passing on to children this disease even though I could see that it was a key point in our problem but not how far the rabbit hole went

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that a Life of rewards is acceptable and that rewards define who I am as the points in the movie "The Keeper"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/need to be rewarded as a way to define myself and see if I am doing well or poorly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself to be and become a reward system for others as well, applying the same principle of the reward game to my energetic interaction where I would reward the worthy with 'good feelings' and the unworthy with 'bad feelings' based on their alignment to my desires and expectations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad every time my mother wants to give me something as I have always seen and still do the movements behind the giving because they are my same movements of reward and manipulation for which I For-give myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aspire to some 'normality' that I could not define because normality is rewarded and ab-normality as I felt within all these energetic movements is punished with the label 'mental case/nutcase' and sent to a mental institution or put on medication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may have my mum's mental problems growing older and for fear of growing older and having to face mental instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mental state we share in this world is 'normal' and we have to work to accept it, instead of seeing there is something clearly wrong here because I feared investigating reality and discovering it's all a big fat lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and the  people in my neighborhood for what each one of us did to get to the reward board that then we passed on as a life system, some through the education of their children and some like me through their working endeavours

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the reward disease into the working place marrying reward models as a way to have people work because I did not trust anyone would do anything for free just for what is best for all, because I would not

When and as I see myself desiring a reward to define myself I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I am seeking a reward I am not Here in Breath where Life One and Equal is the Reward in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to manipulate others into an emotional/feeling reward system I stop, breathe, remind myself that I am just pushing them on one or the other side of the reward polarity and I am feeding an addiction, instead I look for the right words to express my new stance on reward and why I no longer participate in and if required

When and as I see myself demonizing rewards, like the points I get for shopping that give me money discounts, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the points are not the problem, it is who I am within the reward system when and as I believe myself to be One and Equal to the value points I collect and move myself up and down on my own self designed and self assigned Reward Board within emotions and feelings to match my value/points imaginary board,  and that I am walking to become stable Here in every moment of Breath out of the Polarity game in and as Life One and Equal in and as What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my life as a Spoilt Child of the Reward System, to no longer use for myself or others Rewards as a motivation to stand, move and do what needs to be done and What is best for All, as Life, as One and Equal.