Monday, August 27, 2012

Day 131: The Desteni Character

I am very glad that we have started this topic about investigating this particular Character.

When I first met Desteni I had realized that something was seriously wrong with this World, the point of Money and Profit and how WE are All profiteers was not yet within my awareness, I had just reached the stage in which I saw All Others as Profiteers that were just out for themselves.

I landed to Desteni through Conspiracy Theories, some of these should not be called Theories since there is clearly a World Agenda that is not considering Humanity or Life At All, yet I did not see the part I played in it. I am not yet clear about it even now as I write, a point that makes me fear to approach some of the 'Existential Writings' as I am still dwelling and lost within my own 'personal' shit that I can't fathom seeing me as part of the Economics Problem for example or the Money System.

I had the privilege to translate just 1 Chapter of the Equal Money System book, I cannot even recall why we did not go ahead, possibly other things to do came up, we went for FAQ translations, yet when I read that one Chapter a part of me saw the interconnectedness of All Things, and how WE as Humans do play a role within the Money system as the system itself. It was just undeniable and right in my face.

Some days when this 'process' seems overwhelming I remind myself that at the beginning I could not even understand Equal Money for the Life of me, I told this on Forums, I even told that I just don't know what is it to live as Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All. None of Us walking this Journey to Life project knows yet, because we have Not Yet Lived it, we are not IT yet, we can only try and fail to conceptualize it as knowledge and information.

In time I have made Equal Money something that I understand as Me, it is the Equality of Me granting the right to Life to All Living beings on Earth through an act of realignment of my priorities.

Which opens up another can of worms, I don't know what kind of Life I am aiming for, what to expect Equal Money will change for real and how this is going to happen in the Physical, this has not diminished in any way the point that this should be the goal of All of Us, to come united for All Life on Earth, to stop our ideas of Separation and stand as One.

Today I read Gian's Blog, Living a Commitment, and I realized I do not live my commitments, because Process for me is a To Do Thing, it's a Task that I do as a decision that I took to stand for Life, and that while I have corrected the "in my face" points of self Abuse since I joined Desteni, I have as well evolved this Character through phases.

The first one was my Desteni Taliban phase, during which I have terrorized Family and friends with blabbing about the End of Times and death and reality Not Being real, to my Hong Kong friends I told Hong Kong would be wiped out and to pack up and move, I sent in the big guns as the Portalling of Nostradamus I seem to remember, Hong Kong it's still there, which just added to the idea of lunacy I have spread around while in this Phase that led me to in fact Hope it would be wiped out so they would see that I was in fact Right. One point that proved the Desteni message about Earth being an Ass-ylum and us being both Mental cases and basically plain Ass-holes, because if we were not we would have already stood up for a solution to this world where 22000 children starve every day to death and 2.7 bil people don't have access to clean water and sanitation just because we drool after a System where the capital of the World has become Money and Life has gone on sale, that we are Assholes seems self evident.

Then I had the Desteni Isolated Character, in fear of mixing with the World and not being able to keep my big mouth shut and do further damage, now I have moved into the Desteni wise Old Soul, having granted myself the validity of my application through the time I lasted, to my surprise.

Yet, within all this Characters I have not lived, I forgot to Live because Living is what I fear most, death always seemed such a comfort that I do not yet know how to do this Living thing and I keep forgetting the breathing, even if I write it to myself as a reminder every day, Breathe, and then I go and don't do it.

And the NOT breathing piles up into anxiety, as I reduce this 'walk' to a task that I must undertake, finish, see to the end, do as much as I can, accumulating guilt for what I do not do, don't read enough Blogs, post enough things, participate openly enough, not a good team player, basically I took Desteni as my new bashing tool, it's been way more effective than Religion as I hold on to the same fears that brought me Here to walk this walk, the fear that I won't Die and will have to live again after Death, the fear that I have nowhere to go if I decide to step off the Desteni coach to Oneness and Equality because I am stuck within 2 realities none of which yet works out in any way close to any idea I had of a Good Life.

And then the question in the back of My Mind: when do I get to live?

So I keep myself busy, I write, do my assignments, take on projects so I won't have to live through those awkward moments when the question 'now what?' comes up, as I project myself into this Internet based life in which I don't seem to have anything else that is meaningful, so many words that carry ideas and images of a Life that I never had and without knowing what I am shooting for, because how can I walk a Path without a Direction and is Oneness and Equality a Direction even when I don't even understand what that means yet?

So my Desteni Character is made with the Dream of a World that is Best for All and the Fears that we won't get there, that we won't be good enough, eloquent enough, standing as an example well enough to show how this is possible, is made of the fear that I am walking an unknown Path to an unknown Destination and that I won't understand if what I am doing is on 'the right path' as we are all together walking a Pathless Path to what we have seen that has to be done, because this World is a madhouse and a whorehouse, where all of us are on sale for the purpose to Live, is THIS Life?

And then the fear that I cant quit anymore, that I boarded a trip I cannot get off from because the 'off' from this trip is just Off, there is nothing behind and nothing ahead yet.

Tomorrow I will walk my self forgiveness for how I have walked this process so far, to remove from it my definitions and resistances to seemingly small points, the word "Destonian", which I don't like because it has an O where an E should be, like in my name, and I don't want to identify with it as it reverberates within my Mind of sects and cults, or the resistance to the idea of the Robot that makes me react every time a 'system is explained in detail' as I don't want to accept that this is what I have reduced myself to, or the word Mind Consciousness System that I am tired to even Hear, or the Word 'Process' which in Italian translates as 'trial' as in a Court of Law, within which I live in the constant frightening idea that is more than a Court of Law, it's a Martial Court, in which I condemn myself even before I stand trial, and that this has to turn from a Trial into a Doing, because this way is not working and I will have to restart like Gian, from Who I am within this and I won't be able to see what is going on within myself until I slow myself down enough to see what is it that thing that I am doing all day long, what is it that keeps me preoccupied in my Mind about NOT being Able to stop the thinking, what is it that stands in the way of me applying what I am committing to if not Me? And then see the Whys, so I can see the Hows, as it will be only facing Me as The Problem that Me as The Solution can be Revealed.

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