Day 112: 'I love you This Much' Character, SF and SCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel FEAR every time someone asked me 'how much do you love XXXX(Me), Dear?', and for feeling bad because I was not yet able to generate the 'Love' feeling as in something that felt good and safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Love questions in relation to Quantity, as when I was asked to specify How Much and show it in a visual manner, as clearly I could not show the World or the Universe with my hands and arms outstretched, I feared that the Quantity I was about to display would Not Be Enough to secure my livelihood and a 'loving environment' which translated in a place where I was allowed to stay, sleep, be clothed and be fed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disloyal when I told the same things to 2 different grandparents, as it was clear that I was supposed to prefer one/love one above the other, and so my display of love should be This Much for One and a Little Less for the Other and Not The Same, because if I made them the Same within the Love Visual display of my affection I was for sure disloyal and a liar to both, where instead of standing and saying I love the other grandma more, first because she is a blood relative and you are not and blood is thicker than water, second because I get more stuff off of her than off of you, yet I pretended to love them all Equally because it would have been unbecoming to come out and speak such truth in relation to LOVE as a Reward System as the first layout of Capitalism (with Love as Value/Worth being the Capital) within the Family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Blood is thicker than water, as that is the Foundation of our Con-cept of Inequality, where the Family guarantees its specialness with the children and that the System won't Change because there is Us vs Them, Us meaning the FamiLie and then The Rest of the World, instead of realizing we are All Equals and that Blood is just another way to justify why we are not and why we have to Stick to this Bloody System as It IS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the moments of intimacy and Aloneness with my blood grandmother as I knew she could use those moments to ask me the Love questions that would make me feel disloyal to my mother as well, because I related loving to stuff I got and the permission to do everything I wanted, which I did not have from my mother, and then I would say I love you more than I love mum, because THAT was for sure ENOUGH to secure I could have access to her 'unconditional' support which was conditional ONLY to How Much I told her that I loved her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disloyal to my mother instead of seeing and realizing I felt disloyal because I embraced some as more important than others and started to divide myself from my family which is LIFE for my FamiLie which was just where I was born

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this Love business within the FamiLie, as the word Love became more and more layered within me with conditions and so I could not understand the Unconditional Love my family was always talking about when I had been imprinted clearly with all the conditions that would make me really lovable vs dutifully loved as a job that they overtook for themselves and that had nothing to do with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about the way I learnt to use the word Love as a word in separation from myself meant to generate good feelings around me, so I could live in peace while everyone got what they wanted as in the declaration of Love vs The declaration of War that we all Fear within the FamiLie structure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated as soon as someone would start a sentence with 'you see, what I am about to tell you is just because I love You' as I knew from experience that there was never anything 'good ' following the 'I love you sentence', and that it was the most vile way to communicate to each other in fact because not only a blow was coming but I was asked to lay down my defences as I braced myself for whatever was to come that for sure would not be pleasant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word Love within experiences and memories of perceived unpleasatness that was just FEAR that I was unable to decode and name because the Love Word stood in the way of me seeing clearly what we were really taking about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Love to a desire to be approved and to get away with anything I could say or do, as I grew up brandishing this word against others, as a passe-partout that could open every door, subjecting others as me to the same routine of asking them to put down their weapons and accept the blow that I was about to strike, all in the name of Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that LOVE that is expressed in 2 different ways in Italian as in TI AMO, to a lover, or Ti Voglio bene, to a family member, is fishy, since everyone wrote and spoke abut the Universal Concept of Love as a Feeling, yet within my own language we made a difference even between the feeling for the ones you Love to Fuck and the Ones you Fuck for Love, yet the Fucking part was always involved with Love but kept hidden from any conversation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be loved by my family and to love my family, not because the loving felt good, but because in loving I could for a moment Not Fear them, I could pretend that everything was FINE and we were COOL and that no surprises were around the corner to confuse me into 'why the fuck did she/they say/do that for?' as after the Loving Play Out there would be a Break and for some time the hateful spitefulness that was running as the invisible force behind all games was suspended and we could breathe, even briefly and feel some peace

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Love to Peace, as in something I aspired to within my family where I perceived WAR all the time, failing to see I was at WAR with myself, with all the parts of me that I had already learnt to suppress to participate in the 'Loving Game' where I could beLieve that it was in fact Normal to interact within the Guidelines that were set stricter and stricter as I grew up, that it was normal to lie to each other's face and gossip behind each other's back and that was what a family was and that in fact we were the lucky ones that were not tied to the legs of a table or had the face smashed against a wall to leave the sacred Sindone on the wall paint, because we were the loved kids and the other kids were the not loved ones, and so I made myself connect Love with the lesser violence displayed in my family in comparison to the families of some of my friends, who funnily enough, believed themselves to be loved to, and connected the word Love to Violence just to go on and move into abusive relationships seeking for the definition of Love they imprinted themselves with as Love=brutality=Passion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Violence of the families around me that said that they Loved their Children so much and whatever they did was for their own good, and for living in HOPE that my family would never Love me THAT Much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I did not display enough Lovability, I would be dumped because as my mother told me, a dog was better than me because the dog wagged his tail, and so somewhere in my mind I connected Love to wagging my tail and to showing lovability as a trait that would guarantee my family and then my partners would keep me and not just give me up for adoption like any bastard that is not lovable enough ends up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory of when my mum said that a dog was better than me, so I could blackmail her every time she would trump the Love/Fear card as I now had a 'get out of Jail Free Card' that I filed away against her, to show her that I may not always meet the lovability standard but you don't too Bitch, and so we are even and my place within the support system  is safe and secured

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with thoughts and beliefs that I was not lovable for this one sentence that my mum said one evening when she was tired and I was throwing some tantrum and for not letting this moment go as something that was NOT personal, instead I personalized it on purpose as I feared my family and I believed I would have to start weaponizing myself against them, because they would always fuck me with the Love card and I would have to have a 'come back' line for when the fucking with my head would just cross the line, instead of seeing and realizing that I was in fact in charge of how I experienced myself and that I did not need to fear them and that I had no real reasons to fear them but that I was taking on  their Fear through their 'LOVE' and THEN looking for reasons to explain to myself why the fuck did I fear them and so I looked for reasons to make sense of my fears within their actions and words, not realizing that this was NOT how they were passing on the load to me and that 'looking for reasons' was just an additional fuck up that I was inflicting on myself as I layered myself with both Their fears and My Reasons to justify them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that the fears were piling up through the LOVE they were giving me and that the reason why I Feared the word Love was because the word LOVE was for themselves FEAR as well, and that I was reading the History of the Word within them as a child and not hearing the word from which they themselves had separated themselves from, and so no matter how many 'good words' they would speak after the word Love, I would hear FEAR FEAR FEAR, while both would have never been able to explain what the fuck was going on as no one of us was aware of the Truth of Ourselves as The Mind and as The Fear of Ourselves and Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to let go of my memories of the Fear of Love that I felt as a Child and to let go of the memories that I have filed as an explanation of my fears in connection to Love, as I commit myself to purify my words to stop my separation from myself as Words to return HERE to Life in and as Breath, in and as The Physical for What is best for All, for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Day 59: A Wedding, an Addiction and Other Crimes Against Life

On My wedding day we were just 12, yet there was a lot of commotion.

We did not get married in Church being both non Catholics, we had a Civil Wedding at the Royal Villa in Milan, this is actually a real picture of the Gardens of this Villa that is now called City Hall, as if it belonged to the City since the Citizens pay for its maintenance, instead we are allowed in just once (or more) in our Life, when we get married. I actually had pictures of myself and my husband taken on this bridge just after the wedding, in the exact same Sepia Colour.

I had them, because like everything I did in my life, when I walked away from it, I tried desperately to not keep any picture, to let everything go, and I identified more or less everything in and as my life with pictures.

Little did I know at the time that pictures end up embedded as memories in our Flesh, into the very fabric of who we are, "What the Bleep" talked blandly about it, then when I met Desteni finally I started to understand how and why everything seemed burnt into me and why I perceived myself as scarred for and by Life, first by my Family Life and then by my Marriage.

Many other relationships with men came and went, I did not allow any of them to scar me as much as my marriage did, not my husband Fault, this is very clear now, just all my doing, in my movement that started from a fucked up beginning that run all throughout my marriage.

After the wedding we left and moved to Singapore, we left the day after, I had to pack all my stuff which at the time came up to just less than 20 boxes, sold my car, had 17 days from the beginning of January to make it all happen,

At the time I had a severe Pot addiction, I knew I was supposed to pack but every day I would get up and smoke myself silly, I was anxious about leaving Italy with a man I barely knew that I met on a business trip in Las Vegas one year before the day of my marriage and that I had seen on weekends only and on one week of holiday that we spent together, and I couldn't handle the pressure, so smoking was my only way to assist myself to get 'apparent' breaks from my extensive backchats about my fears and how I feared he would leave me for another woman when he would realize I was just a fuck up with a bad pot addiction. 

I had not hidden this from him, just the extent of my addiction, when he was around during the weekends I would control myself, when he arrived in Italy one day before the wedding and saw I had almost packed nothing he told me 'it doesn't matter, we do it together' which meant he almost packed everything for me and told me 'you'll give up your addiction in Singapore, simply because there is the death penalty there and we won't risk ever to just have a smoke, right?' which was another huge point of anxiety for me, I would HAVE to give up Pot, imagine that, I had lived until then trying to reconcile that this was WHO I was, an addict, better accept this and design my life around this addiction that I would just never give up.

So my marriage started on guilt and shame, I got pregnant from the "one night stand" we spent together in Las Vegas and aborted, because I did not have money to support a kid if I had to leave my job, I didn't even think about it twice, it was obvious, my ex husband who had got in touch again after the one night stand and to whom I told I was pregnant but would not keep it, after we had seen each other for a few weeks in a row, told me 'we'll keep the next one' and hugged me all night when he came to visit just after the surgery. It was my second, the second was easier, it's amazing how we get used to everything and accept that our lives are choices that we have to make within our limited resources, I live you die, or we both die.

Basically he embodied everything I wanted in a man, he was good looking, tall, intelligent, kind, we had great interesting conversations and a future ahead of him, he would surely grow in his position at work and I could tag along.

The things that were not right was all the backchat that manifested from when he asked me to marry him, then the Marriage Holy Ghost possessed me, everything he did I compared to movies, I got no ring, no going on his knees he did not say he couldn't live without me, in fact he said that it would be 'most practical, that his boss told him it would be easier if we were married' which of course led to me holding this one point against him forever, believing that he did not want me, he was just being practical, and on this I built a castle of bitterness and anguish with which I abused myself and him, seeking that certainty that in fact he did want me and loved me and he had not married me just to get me to Singapore, because I had told him, Icannot leave everything just for a fling, so marriage was the collateral that was put up for my Life, and I accepted it.

When we exchanged vows we were asked if we wanted common property of assets, at the time we did not have much assets, I had a tiny apartment in Milan, my husband waited for me to decide since I was the only asset owner among us and I said YES, he saw this as a gesture of good will, I saw this as an investment into sharing what he would make in the future.

On my wedding day my father reappeared from nowhere, he lived the flower child life unsuccessfully and when he aged he ended up going to work for his ex flower child friends who now all run successful businesses. His appearance created tension, my grandfather lost his chance to take me to the 'Altar', my mother got to review her lost chances at marriage in memory lane and cried throughout the wedding, my mother in law cried as she felt lonely, her ex husband not being there because my husband invited him too late. My grandmother pushed my mother out of the way to sit next to us at the wedding table, my mother sat sad and grieving throughout the lunch.

We had lunch at the Brazilian restaurant and ordered cahipirinas for everyone, a spirit mixed with sugar and lime, instead of wine, this is how we got to take a breath in all the emotional turmoil, when everyone was finally drunk, we started 'having fun', or better we started no longer giving a fuck about anyone else and whatever it was that was eating them all, and as the spirit grew in theirs and our blood, so our Spirits rose, from the Graves to the Stars, finally, all able to embody the lie that our lives have become, the Happy relatives at the Happy Happy Wedding Day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not good enough for my husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because my marriage was born out of a cndition that I had set, that I would not go to Singapore just for a 'fling' pushing my husband to propose, or so I believed, and for this judgement of myself I spent my marriage looking for clues that he did in fact not want me and that he just married me because 'I manipulated him into it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my ex husband did not want me and I maniuplated him into marriage when in fact each one of us is responsible for what we do and my manipulation doesn't affect him but myself as I end up in guilt, shame, remourse and then self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting andd allowing myself to hold myself hostage to my own self judgement of how I have manipulated others instead of seeing I have only and always manipulated myself only and created more separation inside myself while I created layers of screen to not face my own self judgements because at least I judged myself which allowed me to feel right and righteous

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself so I would get to feel right and righteous and more than others that were wrong and less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I had a pot addiction the extent of which I kept hidden in fear that I would lose value in his eyes, because I had already lost value in my own eyes for living the life of an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for having lived the life of an addict and for defining myself as an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my husband came to Milan and found out I had packed fuck all because I was too busy smoking myself silly so I would not have to face all the fears I felt regarding moving abroad and getting married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear marriage, getting married and my wedding day and for leaving behind all my pictures hoping that I could delete what happened without taking responsibility for my participation within and as it and the outflow and consequences I had to live due to my participation in and as The MIND

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that because my husband saw me like that, overtaken by my addiction, he had lost respect for me and I walked into my marriage feeling that I had a debt and was flawed and I was not of Equal value to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress shame and guilt for my inability to walk away from Pot to start a new life, even when I had an opportunity because by then I had made Pot my God and I  feared living without it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel numb when I aborted for the second time, not devastated like the first time, because I saw myself has having failed and having embraced the Money system so completely that it had become who I was and all my decision were based on money and my ability to support myself and a child did not fit into the picture at any time in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself up to the Money system in fear for my survival and what I would not be able to do to make money if I had children at 23 and then 29, when my life had finally just settled into some sort of financial stability that I could not give up because I feared for my future within this world and how I would face life with children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my abortions as if I were bad and unworthy because the Catholics condemned abortion, instead of seeing that it is the world we live in that is a crime against Humanity and Life and that I just accepted it and allowed it by admitting that my survival was more important than the survival of anyone else and that I would do anything to secure my position within the system to be able to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the sadness of my abortions because I judged myself as the fault and the cause for them and since I was the cause I had given up my right to grieve and see that I was just scared and that I have to stop judging myself for what I have done to survive and instead stand as the Solution so other women won't have to base their choices in life on surviving but on Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my mum came to pick me up at the first abortion and she brought me flowers as it is customary for surgeries, and I saw all the other girls there alone and no one knew they were there and their mothers would have never supported them and I felt guilty for having the support of my mother who had to make the same choice before me for the same reasons as me, because the system is so fucked up that support is not there for women unless they work to support themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the flowers my mum brought to me to a celebration and for feeling guilty and shameful associating flowers and celebration to an event like an abortion for which I was required to be sad and grieving and remorseful instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my first abortion as something that it should never be spoken about ever again, because I had not forgiven myself for my own self judgement of myself as being a careless slut and how could have that happened to someone like me who was on the pill since I was 17, preaching that abortion is just a sign of careless stupidity until I had to face mine and had to feel carelessly stupid through my own judgement of others as myself, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not worthy to bring a child into this world because I was too fucked up and I would have passed it on to my child, like my grandma did to my mother and then she did to me and I was not good enough to procreate because I saw myself as useless and unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my husband to be hugged me all night after my abortion, because inside of me I believed I did not deserve it, that I was BAD and that there was no redemption for me having made the same miss-take twice, just for a fuck and look where it led

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in debt toward my husband to be because he had been so understanding and nice through that post abortion time and he called me every night and I feared losing him so much that after my marriage I did everything in my power to lose him but I just embittered him and he would not leave me until I had to leave, leaving behind grief and sorrow, hoping it would not catch up with me and that he would handle it because he was better than me at handling 'emotions' (or suppressing them) and I could just move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store and suppress so much grief inside of me regarding my marriage and everything that I did wrong that when I saw Andrea's pictures I felt like crying as all this stuff bubbled up inside of me again, instead I suppressed it down again and kept walking to give myself some more time before unraveling Me, the wedding and my abortions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my wedding day in a state of constant tension, looking forward to smoking Pot and drinking the next cahipirinha, so I could keep everything suppressed and under control and not have to see my mother crying and my grandfather sad, and my mother in law lonely and face that I was witnessing the microcosm of Humanity in a room, where all the pettiness and the grievances of a lifetime where exposed and raw and what really goes on inside each one of us was there for everyone to see and could no longer be hidden but by alcohol or drugs, legal or illegal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately arrange spirit drinks for everyone, so they too would suppress everything that was going on and we could spend a fake quiet happy day, pretending that all was fine and the future in front of us was bright and that we were living the perfect fairy tale wedding day, on our way to our honeymoon and Happily Ever After

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sign for joint ownership of assets as an investment in my future, investing in my husband future life and his future assets so I would be guaranteed a survival within the system, because I felt like a fraud and I feared the day I would be called out for what I was, my survival would no longer be certain and I would not probably make it in the world by myself and it was better to have a man next to me to 'support' me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be supported both emotionally and financially because then I would not have to participate in this world of fights and struggles and face the system as myself, but I would be someone else's responsibility and I could just drift through life unscathed by this system of self interest and survival, while I was my own system of self interest and survival inside the walls of my own home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not communicate to my husband what was going on with me and for keeping up the suppression game that increased my back chats and made me feel dishonest within my relationship for what I projected on him about me and how I felt because I did not know how to take responsibility for myself and how to correct myself until I met Desteni and applied the tools they taught me and within this I stop all judgements for who I have been and what I did and think, understanding that now is just a matter to walk backwards, own up to the life I have lived and correct my relationships of thoughts words and deeds back into alignment with what is best for Life as What is Best for All, which is what is best for me as in stopping the self abuse of me as judgements and recriminations about what would have been if I were different, as I walk  the manifested consequences of what I laid out for myself and breathe until all of me stands corrected in alignment with Life and What is best for All

I commit myself to dig into this relationship until I feel clear that when my ex husband name is spoken I have no movements and no reactions and I stand clear as one relationship that has finally aligned to what is best for me and what is best for All, as Life, One and Equal.